How To Raise Free-Thinking Children (YouTube Video Transcript)

(00:00:00) Your YouTube transcript will appear here (00:00:01) how do we continue to encourage children (00:00:03) to question and develop their own moral (00:00:06) compass in a world that is so determined (00:00:09) to tell us what to think (00:00:15) [Applause] (00:00:20) I think probably in in your own home you (00:00:22) just encourage that kind of behavior (00:00:25) you know I mean I think one of the (00:00:27) things we did reasonably well with our (00:00:29) kids was (00:00:30) encourage them to (00:00:34) to think (00:00:36) we listen to them right (00:00:38) and negotiated with them (00:00:40) and so if you model that in your home (00:00:45) first of all that'll alert them to the (00:00:47) difference between a functional home and (00:00:50) a pathological learning environment (00:00:51) that's a good thing for them to learn (00:00:53) and second you can (00:00:56) help them (00:00:58) become sophisticated in their capacity (00:01:00) to articulate themselves a lot of that (00:01:02) with kids I would say and then this is (00:01:05) true for the other people in your life (00:01:06) too is (00:01:07) you know you might think as a parent (00:01:09) well I'm not that articulate how can I (00:01:11) help my children and I would say listen (00:01:13) to them (00:01:14) and if they're if you don't understand (00:01:17) what they're telling you ask them some (00:01:19) questions and get them to (00:01:22) represent what their (00:01:25) attempting to communicate clearly (00:01:28) you can do people a world of Good by (00:01:30) listening to them it's there's almost (00:01:32) nothing you can do (00:01:34) for someone that is more (00:01:38) productive and generous than to listen (00:01:40) to them and (00:01:42) I can tell you a little strategy this is (00:01:45) a good one this is also from Carl Rogers (00:01:46) this is a very good strategy you try (00:01:48) this with your wife or your husband you (00:01:50) could (00:01:51) you could make this a rule it's about (00:01:52) the only psychological technique that I (00:01:56) know that actually works because most of (00:01:58) what constitutes psychological technique (00:02:01) is too sophisticated to (00:02:03) boil down into something like a (00:02:05) procedure you know without it becoming (00:02:07) false but this works (00:02:09) so imagine (00:02:12) here's the rule I'm going to listen to (00:02:14) you (00:02:15) we're discussing some problem we want to (00:02:17) solve I'm going to listen to you and (00:02:19) then (00:02:21) I'm gonna wait till you tell me that (00:02:22) you're done talking right so you've said (00:02:26) what you have to say (00:02:28) and I'm going to leave that up to you (00:02:30) and then I'm going to tell you what you (00:02:32) just told me (00:02:33) but here's the rule you have to agree (00:02:36) with my (00:02:38) formulation (00:02:41) and so what are you doing then well (00:02:42) first of all say you talked to me for 10 (00:02:44) minutes and then I reflect back to you (00:02:46) what you said I'm not going to take 10 (00:02:48) minutes to do that (00:02:50) I'm going to have reduced it to its gist (00:02:52) it's sort of like extracting the punch (00:02:54) line out of a joke (00:02:55) right I mean if you if you go tell (00:02:58) someone else about a conversation that (00:03:00) you had (00:03:01) you don't duplicate the whole (00:03:03) conversation you reduce it by some (00:03:06) mysterious means to its Essence and you (00:03:08) communicate that and so one of the (00:03:09) things you do (00:03:10) for someone if you do this is to reflect (00:03:15) back to them the essence of what they (00:03:17) said (00:03:18) and if you get that right they're pretty (00:03:20) damn happy with you because part of what (00:03:22) they're trying to do when they're (00:03:23) communicating is to reduce what they're (00:03:25) communicating to its essence (00:03:27) and so and then if you allow them to be (00:03:29) the determining judge of whether or not (00:03:32) what you reflect back is accurate then (00:03:35) you also indicate to them (00:03:37) extraordinarily clearly that you (00:03:38) actually listened and understood and (00:03:41) even if you're arguing with someone (00:03:42) they're so thrilled that you did that (00:03:46) that half of their annoyance with you (00:03:48) will disappear right there and then (00:03:50) think oh my God you actually listened (00:03:52) and you know I had people in my clinical (00:03:54) practice (00:03:56) who'd never been listened to ever in (00:03:58) their life by anyone (00:04:00) not their parents they have no friends (00:04:02) their parents never listened to them (00:04:03) they had no friends had nobody close to (00:04:05) them they were so incoherent and (00:04:07) articulate and so and suffering from (00:04:11) such a backlog of non-communication that (00:04:14) it was a miracle to see and it would (00:04:17) take those people thousands of hours (00:04:23) thousands of hours (00:04:25) to lay out what they had to say (00:04:29) and so and no one had ever listened to (00:04:31) them you can help people by listening to (00:04:34) them (00:04:36) in a manner you can hardly imagine (00:04:37) because what you're doing when you're (00:04:39) listening to them is you're actually (00:04:40) allowing them to to speak themselves (00:04:42) into existence in some real sense why (00:04:45) are they talking to you because they (00:04:47) want to get something straight (00:04:49) and and why don't they just do that by (00:04:51) themselves it's because most people (00:04:52) can't do that by themselves in fact I (00:04:54) don't know if anybody can really do it (00:04:56) by themselves you you we think by (00:04:58) talking (00:04:59) and even when we think by ourselves we (00:05:02) talk in our you know it it's in it's (00:05:04) internalized it's still a dialogue (00:05:06) almost everyone speak thinks by speaking (00:05:10) and so if they have no one to listen (00:05:12) then they can't think and if they can't (00:05:14) think then they fall into a pit and so (00:05:17) if you listen then you facilitate their (00:05:19) thinking and you can (00:05:20) you can encourage them to speak and (00:05:24) think (00:05:25) by your careful attention you can (00:05:27) indicate your careful attention by Your (00:05:29) Capacity to reflect and summarize so you (00:05:32) try that try that as try that in your (00:05:34) life just every time you listen to (00:05:35) someone from now on it's like they're go (00:05:37) they go off on some (00:05:41) communicative tangent you say this is (00:05:44) what I think you said did I get it right (00:05:46) and maybe they say well no not exactly (00:05:48) here's what I really meant you know (00:05:49) there might be some tussling about (00:05:52) the precise meaning of the utterance but (00:05:55) I'll tell you man people will be (00:05:57) thrilled with you if you can do that and (00:05:59) they will here's something else that's (00:06:01) ridiculously cool about this (00:06:03) if you're bored by people you are not (00:06:06) listening to them (00:06:08) if you listen to them they will get so (00:06:10) interesting that you want to run away (00:06:11) from them (00:06:13) because if you listen to people (00:06:15) they will tell you everything (00:06:17) and that's really something because once (00:06:20) people start to reveal themselves they (00:06:22) get so interesting that it's almost (00:06:23) unbearable it's one of the things I (00:06:26) loved about being a clinician because I (00:06:27) could I could listen to people and they (00:06:30) would tell me who they were and wow that (00:06:34) was quite the trip man because people (00:06:36) are very strange and (00:06:40) and mysterious and remarkable and even (00:06:43) simple people you know who who weren't (00:06:49) who weren't sophisticated in any (00:06:51) philosophical sense they weren't (00:06:53) educated man if you could get them (00:06:56) telling their story (00:06:58) they're so damn interesting that is (00:07:01) unbearable and so (00:07:03) and if (00:07:05) and you'll know people so well if you (00:07:06) listen to them because they will tell (00:07:08) you (00:07:09) who they are and they'll be so happy (00:07:11) with you that you're there (00:07:13) to allow them to think things through to (00:07:15) facilitate that process they'll flock to (00:07:18) you and you'll learn so much (00:07:21) it's so useful and this is such a good (00:07:23) technique this works so well and you can (00:07:25) you can learn it pretty quickly and you (00:07:27) can implement it you know in your own (00:07:29) relationship that's the rules like you (00:07:31) get to talk I'll tell you what you said (00:07:33) until you agree with my summary then (00:07:36) it's my turn you do the same (00:07:38) Roger said if you do that with your (00:07:41) partner your wife or your husband you'll (00:07:42) find it (00:07:43) eighty percent of what you're arguing (00:07:45) about will vanish just as a consequence (00:07:48) of the process and then what you'll have (00:07:50) left is the actual problem you know (00:07:51) because you guys might be working out a (00:07:53) real problem but at least you'll only be (00:07:55) working out the problem you won't be (00:07:58) facing the consequences of failure to (00:08:00) communicate and you'll have also (00:08:02) signaled to each other that (00:08:04) in a deep sense that each each of you (00:08:07) are acting out the proposition that what (00:08:09) the other has to say is worth attending (00:08:11) to and there's nothing that people need (00:08:14) and want more than to be attended to (00:08:17) that's attention is everything that's (00:08:19) why advertisers pay for it (00:08:21) so