Your Gut Will Always Guide You with Elizabeth Endres (YouTube Video Transcript)

(00:00:00) Your YouTube transcript will appear here (00:00:06) It's like I'm so excited. So happy to be (00:00:09) here. Oh my god. I'm so I've been like (00:00:12) waiting for this moment. Girl, same. I (00:00:15) You've been on my list for a long time. (00:00:17) It was actually written on my (00:00:18) manifestation list. Melissa Wood invites (00:00:20) me on her podcast. I swear to God. Stop. (00:00:24) Yeah. So like you totally like blew me (00:00:27) out of the water with that. I was so (00:00:28) excited. Oh my honestly like where to (00:00:32) even take it back. You It's so (00:00:36) interesting because I've known you for a (00:00:39) really long time. Like in the beginning. (00:00:41) Wait, remember we did like a You guys (00:00:43) did it. I I read it. I read it the other (00:00:46) day cuz I was like, "Wait, we're kind of (00:00:48) obsessed with Melissa Wood Health, I (00:00:49) think is what it was called. It was like (00:00:51) in such like 2016 lingo or maybe like (00:00:53) 2017." So sweet. I remember it vividly. (00:00:57) Yeah. Yeah. But I just remember you and (00:01:00) Dale from the beginning because you were (00:01:02) always great supporters of me. We were (00:01:04) great supporters of each other. Totally. (00:01:06) But you know, as I've watched you (00:01:10) evolve, you've had such an evolution. (00:01:13) Thank you. You have. And I see so much (00:01:18) of myself in you. From the moment I met (00:01:21) you, I did. And I've never shared any of (00:01:23) this with you because I mean as we're (00:01:26) sitting here today I'm like we're so (00:01:27) close but this is a we sat down (00:01:30) together. It's I I was thinking before (00:01:32) coming here I'm like is it weird to tell (00:01:33) Melissa that I feel like I feel like (00:01:35) we're very similar and I don't mean to (00:01:37) like overly compliment myself by saying (00:01:39) that cuz I think so highly of you as (00:01:41) we're dressed alike literally in the (00:01:43) same outfits but like I just there's a (00:01:45) certain thing about certain people where (00:01:47) you're just like I don't know if it's a (00:01:48) past life or what but like I get you. (00:01:50) Oh, I get you entirely and I've always (00:01:54) got you and I've seen you and I I feel (00:01:57) like I always saw this tremendous (00:02:00) strength in you. I I feel before you (00:02:03) even tapped in to it fully, which you (00:02:07) know, you I think it's it's interesting (00:02:10) to kind of like really take it back (00:02:13) because (00:02:14) you've been a creator in the space for a (00:02:16) really long time and you started with (00:02:19) Dale. So you guys really grew this thing (00:02:21) together. And then to see you also like (00:02:24) step in and own your own voice has been (00:02:28) I'm I'm just like it's (00:02:31) empowering. It's inspiring and I feel (00:02:34) like I've just like really watched you (00:02:36) grown into a woman. I really appreciate (00:02:40) that because it's it's been a process (00:02:42) and I've had a lot of stuff along the (00:02:44) way. Breakups, health things, like a lot (00:02:46) of up and downs. Um, and it's been (00:02:49) really fun to be at a point where Sweats (00:02:51) in the City is a pretty welloiled (00:02:53) machine. You know, we've been doing it (00:02:54) for 10 years. We know the drill very (00:02:56) well. I know exactly what needs to be (00:02:58) done. And to sort of have this extra (00:02:59) space and time and energy to pour into (00:03:02) something that's like very aligned with (00:03:04) where I'm at right now and very aligned (00:03:06) with like my spiritual side and my (00:03:09) alternative healing and like all of the (00:03:10) kind of weird stuff that I didn't (00:03:12) necessarily have a space for. And I'm (00:03:15) sure you can relate to like having an (00:03:17) outlet for that kind of stuff and having (00:03:19) a community that gets it and then is (00:03:21) curious about it and that you can also (00:03:22) learn from is so fulfilling. Oh my god, (00:03:25) it's the most fulfilling thing. And it I (00:03:28) feel it's the thing that like supports (00:03:31) you to like realize you have wings that (00:03:33) you can take off like when people start (00:03:36) to like I mean that's what happened to (00:03:39) me because I think as you're finding (00:03:41) your way and it's really scary putting (00:03:45) yourself out there of course and it's (00:03:47) like it can feel like cringy or like all (00:03:50) of the things and people can be like oh (00:03:52) my god like do you see what she's doing (00:03:53) and you you really just have to like (00:03:57) quiet all of that noise and keep like (00:04:00) going deep inside yourself because as (00:04:03) you start to connect with people who are (00:04:06) so like-minded, it just like it it to (00:04:09) this day whenever I start to feel like, (00:04:13) oh my god, what you know, you have (00:04:14) moments sometimes you're just like, oh (00:04:16) my god, it's so much. And then I'm like, (00:04:18) it just always helps me rise up. (00:04:20) Absolutely. And I think for so long I (00:04:23) did things with a partner and I still do (00:04:25) with Dale and that has been like so (00:04:28) expansive and amazing and all of the (00:04:31) things. And it's it's also like there's (00:04:33) so many times that she and I have like (00:04:34) literally survived because we've had (00:04:36) each other co for example. And so doing (00:04:40) something on my own felt really scary (00:04:43) candidly. And I initially when I started (00:04:45) my podcast started it with a a different (00:04:48) co-founder and we did it together for a (00:04:50) very short amount of time. It didn't (00:04:51) work out. I didn't even know that it it (00:04:53) was a little blip in history and and (00:04:56) then it was like I was almost getting (00:04:58) signs from the universe like do this by (00:05:00) yourself. Do this by yourself, you know? (00:05:01) And it's definitely an adjustment like (00:05:03) being a creator is its own thing. Doing (00:05:05) it with someone someone else is amazing (00:05:07) because you have a support system and (00:05:09) always someone who gets it. Doing it on (00:05:11) your own is a different animal. And I'm (00:05:13) sure a lot of people listening would be (00:05:14) like, "Yeah, whatever. Being a creator (00:05:15) is not that difficult." But just as (00:05:18) someone who gets it yourself, um, it was (00:05:22) a little bit of a leap. And I think I I (00:05:24) took a series of trust falls into (00:05:26) getting to where I am at the moment, (00:05:28) which by the way is still like I'm still (00:05:30) evolving. I still have a lot of work to (00:05:32) do. It is a forever job. Um, but I'm (00:05:35) really happy with how it's all played (00:05:36) out. I mean, for all of us, first of (00:05:39) all, right? Like even we all have these (00:05:42) moments where you just you you take a (00:05:45) moment and you're like hold on like am I (00:05:48) actually fully living my truth or or (00:05:51) have I gotten really really comfortable (00:05:53) being here exactly and then doing (00:05:56) something when you start getting those (00:05:58) like those knocks (00:06:00) and you lean into it is when I mean I (00:06:04) always notice myself like dip the lowest (00:06:07) at first always. And I always try to (00:06:10) remind people that like if someone (00:06:11) writes me in the DM and they're like, (00:06:12) "I'm going through a breakup, whatever." (00:06:14) I'm like, "Oh my god, you're so lucky." (00:06:16) Because after those lows always comes (00:06:19) your highs. It's just almost impossible (00:06:21) to see it in the moment and to trust and (00:06:23) to not have like resistance for the (00:06:24) uncomfortable because the end of the day (00:06:26) like our body, our mind, everything is (00:06:28) just trying to keep you safe even if (00:06:30) that means keeping you uncomfortable (00:06:32) because it's familiar. (00:06:34) M the thing that I love about you and I (00:06:38) I know why people gravitate. So I mean (00:06:41) like my whole team loves you. Everyone's (00:06:44) talking about you but in a way that like (00:06:46) it's I'm just like yes. Like I've I've (00:06:49) just always seen it. So to see you just (00:06:53) really put this like full embrace and (00:06:56) trust in the the process of it all is I (00:07:00) love watching someone like I love it. (00:07:02) It's my favorite thing. Like that's why (00:07:04) I love having a podcast is I love really (00:07:06) understanding how it got here because (00:07:09) you're so candid and vulnerable (00:07:12) with the chronic pain that you were (00:07:15) going through and just like your (00:07:17) revelations and the treatments and the (00:07:18) things that you did to (00:07:23) really get to like I think like the seat (00:07:25) of it all. Yeah. (00:07:27) And I also (00:07:29) love how open you are with talking about (00:07:33) relationships. And you just got engaged. (00:07:36) Yay. Congratulations. Thank you. You (00:07:40) know, relationships are an interesting (00:07:41) topic and I'm sure you can relate to (00:07:43) some degree because both of our (00:07:45) Instagram accounts aren't like (00:07:46) relationship accounts, right? That's not (00:07:48) why we created it. Significant others (00:07:50) did not sign up for that. Oh god. Noah's (00:07:52) like, "Please stop talking about me." (00:07:54) But it's certainly like a part of us and (00:07:56) especially as someone who was single in (00:07:58) her 30s and like going through breakups (00:08:02) and moving out and all of that like (00:08:04) people are going to notice and also like (00:08:06) there's a whole community of people that (00:08:09) understand and want to know and um have (00:08:11) the potential to be inspired by what (00:08:13) you're going through and seeing that (00:08:14) they're not alone. So, I always tried to (00:08:17) tow the line, especially with dating, it (00:08:19) gets hairy because you don't want to (00:08:21) overshare. Also, like it's not what (00:08:22) somebody else signed up for. They're not (00:08:24) even like with you. Um, so I always said (00:08:26) like it wouldn't be something I would (00:08:28) include in my content much until I was (00:08:30) like engaged or married and now I am. (00:08:32) So, Clayton, you're involved. Um, no, (00:08:35) not that it's going to be so prominent, (00:08:37) but obviously it's very relevant right (00:08:38) now because we just got engaged and and (00:08:41) I also enjoy talking about it and I (00:08:43) enjoy talking about being single in your (00:08:45) 30s and like I get it. There is whether (00:08:48) we want to admit it or not, if you want (00:08:49) kids, there is some level of a (00:08:51) biological clock and women are under a (00:08:54) certain level of pressure and I (00:08:55) certainly felt it. I mean, deciding to (00:08:58) be single at 31 is like it's heavy and (00:09:01) it's it's it's both empowering and very (00:09:04) stressful at the same time and you go (00:09:06) through different waves of of feeling (00:09:07) like okay well how exciting that my (00:09:09) person is out there somewhere like any (00:09:11) day of the week I could meet him but (00:09:12) then there's also like the Saturday (00:09:14) nights where like your girlfriends are (00:09:15) out with their husbands or their kids (00:09:17) and you're like what am I doing? Will I (00:09:19) ever find the person? So, how did (00:09:22) you I like you do all the things. You've (00:09:26) done all the things and you've shared (00:09:29) about everything. Yeah. (00:09:32) How have you been able to really get (00:09:34) yourself out (00:09:36) of the mindset that can keep you stuck (00:09:39) but also keep you in chronic pain? (00:09:43) Okay, big topic. Mhm. So, giving a (00:09:46) little bit of background, (00:09:48) chronic pain/cond conditions have always (00:09:50) kind of been a part of my life, and I'm (00:09:52) sure a lot of listeners can relate to (00:09:54) kind of being like the sensitive one in (00:09:56) the family, the one that always has (00:09:58) something going on, the one that's (00:09:59) bothered by everything, the (00:10:00) perfectionist tendencies, like those (00:10:02) tend to all kind of be packaged (00:10:04) together. Um, they also tend to come (00:10:06) packaged with chronic symptoms of any (00:10:09) kind, ranging from migraines to IBS to (00:10:12) acne to all of these things that are (00:10:14) like kind of these blanket terms of like (00:10:17) you're stuck with this. And I always had (00:10:19) things like I had a heart condition in (00:10:22) college where I ended up getting a (00:10:23) pacemaker. Like I've just always kind of (00:10:25) felt like I've I've been like broken in (00:10:27) a way of like needing assistance, right? (00:10:30) like I I got chronic strep throat all (00:10:33) the time in college and then I started (00:10:34) getting diverticulitis just like a (00:10:36) stomach thing in the city and I was like (00:10:37) in the hospital all the time and so (00:10:40) there's like a certain identity that you (00:10:42) start to create around being sick or (00:10:44) just having stuff all the time and it (00:10:48) wasn't until co that I started getting (00:10:51) chronic pelvic pain. So, it basically (00:10:53) felt like I had a UTI all the time, but (00:10:55) I didn't. Which, like, if anybody's had (00:10:57) a UTI, you know, it's a special kind of (00:10:59) hell. Like, even talking about it right (00:11:00) now, I'm like, I hope no one gets (00:11:02) triggered because it's so bad. Yeah. And (00:11:05) also during that time, it was COVID and (00:11:07) I was in the city by myself. I was (00:11:09) freshly out of like a 5-year (00:11:10) relationship, living on my own. COVID (00:11:13) happened. I couldn't get to my family. I (00:11:15) was scared about my business. there was (00:11:16) all this compounding stress that I (00:11:18) didn't necessarily take into account (00:11:20) with what was going on with my body. I (00:11:22) started having like memory loss. Like (00:11:24) I'd be in the middle of a conversation (00:11:26) and I would like I'd be on a date and (00:11:28) I'd forget what they were talking about. (00:11:29) It was so embarrassing and I was like (00:11:31) also really freaked out. My joints were (00:11:33) swollen. I I felt like my body was (00:11:35) breaking down on me. And it started a (00:11:39) you know 4ish year journey of trying (00:11:42) everything. I mean I did crazy IVs. I (00:11:44) did treatment for Lyme disease. I did I (00:11:47) saw all these doctors. I flew to (00:11:48) different states. I did months of (00:11:50) antibiotics. Like I was like, I will die (00:11:52) trying to fix this thing, you know? Like (00:11:54) I was in every day I would wake up and (00:11:55) be like, I don't want to do anything. (00:11:57) Like my whole pelvis feels like it's on (00:11:59) fire, you know? How do you work out? How (00:12:01) do you So it was a really dark time. I (00:12:04) tried it all. It was New Year's Eve of (00:12:08) 2023 and I discovered this woman named (00:12:10) Nicole Saxs, who you should totally have (00:12:12) on the podcast. Oh, I'm already like (00:12:14) you've talked about her and I'm like she (00:12:17) needs to be everywhere. Um, and she will (00:12:19) be and I discovered her. Someone pointed (00:12:23) her out to me and it was just one of (00:12:24) those things where like you know when (00:12:26) someone like mentions a modality or a (00:12:28) thing or a person and you're like that's (00:12:30) oh your body response. Yes. My body was (00:12:32) like yep. And like I knew nothing. I was (00:12:34) just like Nicole Sachs. And so I read (00:12:37) her book, I did her course and I started (00:12:38) her practice like immediately. I (00:12:40) remember New Year's Eve laying on the (00:12:42) beach at Soho Beach House and just (00:12:44) blowing through that book on my Kindle (00:12:45) because I was like, "This is this." What (00:12:46) is the name of the book? Um, she just (00:12:48) came out with a new one. It's called (00:12:51) Mind Your Body. I started with like her (00:12:53) OG one, but the Mind Your Body is like (00:12:55) really where it's all at. Um, and so I (00:12:59) blew through the book. I did her course (00:13:00) and I started her practice called (00:13:02) Journal Speak, which is a 20 minute (00:13:05) daily dump of everything. Not just like (00:13:08) morning pages and not like here's what (00:13:10) happened today. Like letting it [ __ ] (00:13:12) rip. You're swearing. You're saying you (00:13:15) hate things. You're admitting things (00:13:16) that you would never want anyone to (00:13:17) hear. And the idea is that we have this (00:13:20) threshold for emotions. And so often (00:13:23) people, especially women, we hold stuff (00:13:26) in and eventually that steam will (00:13:28) overflow. the the threshold like breaks, (00:13:31) the top pops off and things start to (00:13:34) overflow and that's when symptoms start (00:13:35) to arise because your body would rather (00:13:38) feel chronic pain than whatever is (00:13:41) beneath the surface. I know it gives me (00:13:43) the chills. Whole body chills. And so (00:13:46) it's your body trying to kind of protect (00:13:48) you and also keep you busy because when (00:13:50) I spent 10 years running around to (00:13:53) different doctors and practitioners and (00:13:55) acupuncturists and all these people who (00:13:56) were amazing but like it wasn't fixing (00:13:59) me and that keeps you busy and it keeps (00:14:02) you not focused on the emotions. And so (00:14:05) I started doing the journaling and there (00:14:08) was a ton of resistance inside of me (00:14:10) like journaling isn't going to help me. (00:14:11) I'm having like UTI, you know, this is (00:14:13) crazy. But I was also like, I have (00:14:16) literally no choice. Like what else am I (00:14:18) going to do? You know, sometimes you (00:14:19) have to get literally backed into a (00:14:21) corner and and like and Mel Robbins (00:14:24) described this. I don't know. I think (00:14:25) you read Let them. Did you post about (00:14:27) that? I love Mel. Me too. And you know (00:14:29) how she talks about how your (00:14:32) circumstances have to get so bad that (00:14:35) making a change actually feels less (00:14:38) uncomfortable than your current (00:14:39) circumstances. And I love that. It (00:14:41) resonates with me so much. And that's (00:14:43) where I was. And so I dove in head (00:14:45) first. I started doing it and I have, (00:14:48) knock on wood, no pain, nothing. I get a (00:14:53) little flicker here and there. And it's (00:14:54) always a signal to me like, okay, (00:14:56) something's going on. Something's off in (00:14:58) your life. In my life. And it can be (00:15:00) little. It can be someone triggering (00:15:01) you. It can feel overwhelming to pack (00:15:03) for a trip. Like it doesn't have to be a (00:15:05) big thing. And that's kind of the point (00:15:07) of this is like if you're a person that (00:15:09) feels everything like you and I do, (00:15:11) highly sensitive person, all of it, (00:15:13) empath, sensitive, like all of the (00:15:16) things like you're feeling so much more (00:15:17) than you even realize. And if you're not (00:15:19) letting it out in some (00:15:21) form, it likely will it'll alert you in (00:15:26) some kind of way. You know, it's like (00:15:28) that's what was happening for me. And so (00:15:29) it's this crazy revelation. Also, now I (00:15:32) see it in everyone. The condition is (00:15:34) called TMS. It stands for tension (00:15:36) myolitis syndrome and it's basically (00:15:38) your body creating pain or chronic (00:15:40) conditions instead of feeling the (00:15:43) emotions that are under the surface. And (00:15:45) men have it a lot with back pain, (00:15:47) shoulder pain, neck pain, like it can it (00:15:51) can really be anything. Um, and it's (00:15:54) from just like holding everything in (00:15:55) literally constipation another big one. (00:15:58) Like it makes a ton of sense when you (00:16:00) think about it. But it's also insane to (00:16:02) think of how powerful our bodies are (00:16:04) that they can actually create. Like, you (00:16:07) know, when people throw their back out (00:16:08) and they literally can't walk, like (00:16:10) that's what this is. (00:16:12) And yeah, so I mean, the body is super (00:16:15) powerful. The mind is super powerful. (00:16:16) And this has also not only cured me of (00:16:19) this pain that I thought I was literally (00:16:20) going to die with, it's also shown me (00:16:23) that like it's it's unlocked like a (00:16:26) spiritual side of me like, wow, there's (00:16:28) another layer here. And if I can if I (00:16:30) can change my life with a journaling (00:16:32) practice, like what can I do with (00:16:34) meditation and all these other things (00:16:35) that I haven't been able to like fully (00:16:37) nail down. So, it's really expanded me (00:16:39) and in ways that I can't even describe. (00:16:42) It's so interesting because that is what (00:16:44) meditation has done for me. It was it's (00:16:47) your gateway. It's 100% my gateway. But, (00:16:50) you know, like you, I've done all of the (00:16:54) things. I've seen healers and every like (00:16:57) body worker healer will tell you like (00:17:01) when I was having severe lower back (00:17:04) pain, the woman actually said what it (00:17:08) was and I almost fell off the table. She (00:17:11) identified she ident she was like this (00:17:14) is and I like literally was like she's (00:17:17) like you're holding it in and you're not (00:17:20) allowing yourself to be (00:17:23) honest. I was very scared of her at (00:17:26) first. I was like she's literally a (00:17:28) witch. This is so crazy. (00:17:30) But I think that's what I know that is (00:17:34) what meditation has helped (00:17:36) me see in my life in myself and in the (00:17:41) moment where I was pushed in, you know, (00:17:44) I think like my most uncomfortable place (00:17:46) in life like my rock bottom (00:17:49) which which exactly as Mel says is it's (00:17:55) like that deep breath of like uh well (00:17:58) anything has to be better than this like (00:18:00) there has to be totally another way. (00:18:04) Yes. You know, and like that was a thing (00:18:06) that led me on that path of seeing all (00:18:09) the therapists and the healers. And by (00:18:11) the way, like I think all of those (00:18:12) things led me to like going inside. Mhm. (00:18:18) Totally. And it's also like everyone's (00:18:20) path with it looks different and and (00:18:23) everyone has different stuff going on (00:18:24) and like everyone I believe will get to (00:18:27) where they're supposed to in their own (00:18:29) way. Even if they're like diverting and (00:18:31) resisting and doing all the things like (00:18:33) there is a like if you really quiet your (00:18:35) mind and listen there is a nudge that's (00:18:37) pushing you in the right direction. I (00:18:39) really believe in that. I do with every (00:18:41) single thing inside of me. Do you have a (00:18:44) meditation practice? I do. Okay. So you (00:18:47) are meditating cuz I felt like you were. (00:18:49) I am but it took me years. I don't know (00:18:53) how it was for you but I I also just (00:18:55) want to say like you really expand me in (00:18:56) that way. I love the way you talk about (00:18:58) meditation. And I love seeing the (00:19:00) results of you sticking with that (00:19:02) practice because like you can feel it in (00:19:03) your Instagram and it's not easy to do (00:19:08) and I actually didn't I'm almost 60 60 (00:19:12) days into not missing a single day. Wow. (00:19:14) But it took me like years of trying and (00:19:17) doing different apps and like I did a (00:19:19) Joe Med Joe dispenser retreat. I know (00:19:21) you did that too. Like that I was like (00:19:23) sitting through like just dying because (00:19:25) I just I couldn't sit. It was intense. (00:19:28) It was a lot. I mean, it was amazing, (00:19:30) but it was a lot, especially for someone (00:19:31) who clearly wasn't advanced. Like, I (00:19:33) don't know if an advanced seven-day (00:19:34) retreat was it for me at that time. (00:19:37) Um, he's just an advanced like it's also (00:19:40) energy. It's like Yes. male energy. That (00:19:43) was one thing that I really picked up on (00:19:45) there. Yes. Like, oh wow. Like how I (00:19:47) respond to different Yes. Absolutely. (00:19:50) And he's amazing and he's a genius. Yes. (00:19:53) Um, so anyway, so I again like I tried (00:19:56) all the things and I think it comes to (00:19:59) you at the right time just like Nicole (00:20:00) Sachs work. So I I actually just (00:20:03) randomly ran into someone on the street (00:20:06) who was a sweats follower and we had (00:20:08) some mutual friends and we were chatting (00:20:09) and somehow her meditation practice came (00:20:11) up and I had actually put on my (00:20:14) manifestation list like finding the (00:20:15) right modality for me. Mhm. And by the (00:20:18) way, I really believe in that work. Like (00:20:19) that's a whole another topic, but um and (00:20:23) she and I just like clicked. She got it, (00:20:26) you know, the girls that get it. And she (00:20:28) mentioned what she was doing and it's (00:20:30) this movement meditation. Um it's 30 (00:20:34) minutes a day and you like have to go (00:20:36) through kind of a training program to (00:20:38) learn the things. Like Clay calls it (00:20:40) like my morning ninja routine cuz I'm (00:20:42) sitting there and I'm doing like crazy (00:20:43) [ __ ] with my arms. Yes. Um, and it's (00:20:46) been amazing. And is it a blend of like (00:20:48) condundalini mixed with that does (00:20:50) wonders for me? It does wonders, (00:20:52) especially for like the mind that's hard (00:20:53) to settle. Like meditation doesn't have (00:20:56) to be sitting there listening to (00:20:58) silence. Like I tried TM for a while. (00:21:00) That was like my brain's worst nightmare (00:21:02) because I just need a little bit more (00:21:04) guidance, guidance, movement, (00:21:07) distraction, focus, like all the things. (00:21:10) Um, and so I've been doing that every (00:21:12) single morning. I wake up early. I make (00:21:13) my matcha. I have my mat sitting out. (00:21:16) Like I set myself up for success now cuz (00:21:18) I'm also like to your point and I (00:21:20) literally sing your song around the (00:21:21) house. Like how bad do you want to feel (00:21:23) good? It's so real. I come into the (00:21:25) kitchen and I'm like singing it to (00:21:26) Clayton. How bad do you want to feel (00:21:28) good? It's so real. It's so real. How (00:21:31) bad do you want to feel good? Like you (00:21:32) feel like trash. There is a recipe. Do (00:21:35) it or don't. And every day it's (00:21:39) literally it. It's a choice. And it's a (00:21:41) choice that we get to make. And when (00:21:45) we stop looking around and pointing our (00:21:49) finger at everything else or the reason (00:21:50) for this or oh this you know (00:21:52) disagreement or this thing with work or (00:21:54) oh my kids no mm- no. Like we have the (00:22:00) power inside of us to do and it doesn't (00:22:04) have to be like the biggest no thing (00:22:07) like at all. Setting yourself up. That (00:22:10) has been one of the biggest things that (00:22:12) I and and listen ADHD brain my brain (00:22:16) goes a mile a minute. Totally. But just (00:22:19) like one little thing to get yourself (00:22:22) like teed up for the day before like it (00:22:24) makes such a difference. Or like (00:22:26) motivate yourself. I see you making your (00:22:28) morning matcha in the dark. Like I'm (00:22:29) doing the same thing and it's like that (00:22:31) gets me out of bed. Whatever you have to (00:22:33) do but like we all have the time in some (00:22:36) capacity whether it's waking up 30 (00:22:38) minutes earlier. Like I didn't I don't (00:22:39) want to wake up 30 minutes earlier and (00:22:42) leave Clayton in the bed sleeping in the (00:22:44) dark and I'm like in the other room (00:22:45) banging around with headphones on. Like (00:22:47) I don't want to do that, but I do (00:22:49) because also there is a momentum that (00:22:52) gets created when you do something very (00:22:55) consistently and you have to get past (00:22:57) that point. There's so much resistance (00:22:58) and then once you start to feel the (00:23:00) benefits, it becomes a medicine. M I (00:23:03) wouldn't not take my medication, you (00:23:04) know, and it's very I I view it like (00:23:06) brushing my teeth now. And I never (00:23:07) thought I would say those words. So, (00:23:09) it's so possible for anybody who who (00:23:11) can't quite get there. Like, it's a (00:23:13) matter of finding the right fit and then (00:23:14) staying consistent with it. 100%. Can't (00:23:17) skip an A. No. And it's funny because I (00:23:20) actually shared this today because even (00:23:23) with us saying this, like I know you (00:23:27) have probably most of your days where (00:23:29) you feel the resistance and it's about (00:23:32) feeling the resistance, but then also (00:23:35) like I think of those two roads, right? (00:23:38) Like I can feel the resistance. I can (00:23:39) stay in bed. I can snooze. Where does (00:23:42) that typically leave leave me? I regret (00:23:45) that I didn't get up. Mhm. I'm rushed. (00:23:49) I'm on that hamster wheel. I'm in that (00:23:51) vicious cycle of fight or flight. Like, (00:23:53) it just ignites all of the anxiety for (00:23:55) me. It sets the whole day's (00:23:57) tone. Even like I before I meditate now, (00:24:01) I have a rule. Phone is in the kitchen (00:24:03) when I sleep. It's not next to the bed. (00:24:05) That's been a big change for me. I use a (00:24:07) hatch alarm clock. I have no phone in (00:24:09) the bedroom. And I don't look at the (00:24:11) phone before I meditate. I have an iPad (00:24:13) that has no iMessage on it specifically (00:24:15) so that I will not look at text or (00:24:16) Instagram or anything. Huge difference. (00:24:19) That's great. Wake up, pee, meditate. I (00:24:22) have the Hatch alarm clock and I have to (00:24:23) set it up. It's like right by my bed. (00:24:25) I'm know I'm going to like this weekend. (00:24:28) It's so good. Everyone's obsessed with (00:24:30) it. I'm so excited. Like I wake up to (00:24:32) like a Malibu sunrise and flutes and (00:24:34) it's like the best thing. Oh, that's (00:24:35) nice. But it gets you up. It gets me up (00:24:38) cuz sometimes when it's too nice, I'm (00:24:39) like I know. I also have an eight sleep (00:24:41) and like the bed warms me up but I'm (00:24:43) excited too. You're about to be set up. (00:24:45) It's really good. I'm really excited. (00:24:47) It's a great situation. You love it cuz (00:24:49) Noah and I like different temperatures. (00:24:50) So that's the biggest thing. Same. And (00:24:52) you can do that and it's Yeah. It's very (00:24:55) easy, very comfortable and like now when (00:24:56) I travel I like miss it like they need (00:24:58) to start incorporating it in hotels (00:25:00) because I'm sure they will. Yeah. Yeah. (00:25:02) Okay. I'm so excited and I just I love (00:25:04) that you just bring it back to the (00:25:06) simplicity of it all because it really (00:25:08) is like it's it's such a beautiful thing (00:25:12) when (00:25:12) you rely on your yourself and you (00:25:16) realize too that there's just like (00:25:18) there's a strength within all of us that (00:25:21) we have yet to experience when we can (00:25:26) actually stay devoted to ourselves. It's (00:25:28) it's a form of selfrespect, too, to like (00:25:31) show up for yourself every day. I saw a (00:25:32) real recently that was talking about how (00:25:34) like eating clean is also a form of (00:25:36) selfrespect. Yeah. And like that's not (00:25:38) to say diet needs to be 100% clean, but (00:25:41) you know, like there's something and as (00:25:43) I've been doing all these practices, (00:25:44) like I've been getting pleasure out of (00:25:47) cooking a meal at home. Like there's (00:25:48) something where you're just like I am (00:25:51) nurturing my body from all angles and my (00:25:54) body is rewarding me for it. And so like (00:25:56) we're in this momentous cycle because (00:25:58) your body responds. Yes. And then (00:26:00) everything in your life starts to open (00:26:02) and flourish in literally every single (00:26:05) direction. It's crazy. Work, (00:26:07) relationship, it's all connected. It's (00:26:09) all connected. Like, and we're not (00:26:11) special. The person listening can do the (00:26:14) exact same thing. Every single person, (00:26:17) everyone has the ability to tap into the (00:26:21) depths of their soul. And even with you (00:26:23) saying, you know, tapping more into your (00:26:26) spirituality, this has been my I feel (00:26:29) like my era of like really owning that (00:26:31) I'm such a spiritual person and that (00:26:34) without the support of knowing that I'm (00:26:37) so divinely guided that we're all (00:26:41) divinely guided like God, the universe, (00:26:45) this energy lives inside all of us. And (00:26:47) the more that I've been able (00:26:49) to really own that, I feel like things (00:26:54) are like opening up in a new way cuz I (00:26:56) was a little shy about it before. Yeah. (00:26:58) Yeah. You know, cuz you're just like, (00:26:59) oh, like I'm not like a spiritual (00:27:01) teacher. Yeah. And it's I think it has (00:27:05) had so many elements of being like (00:27:07) woohoo or whatever. And and I used to (00:27:09) think that too, by the way. But as I've (00:27:13) embraced, like really really embraced, (00:27:15) like I feel like the lights have come on (00:27:19) a little brighter. Yeah. And it's also (00:27:21) like it makes you feel (00:27:24) like especially if you're someone like (00:27:26) me who's a control freak, like you don't (00:27:28) have to control everything. Like we got (00:27:31) a flat tire the other day in New Jersey, (00:27:33) Clayton and I, and he was like obviously (00:27:35) like bent out of shape and like we're (00:27:37) trying to fix it and whatever. And I was (00:27:39) like, what if we were going to get in an (00:27:42) accident and this is like divine (00:27:43) redirection that we're sitting on the (00:27:44) side of the road? Like there is just (00:27:46) something like I'm kind of just in this (00:27:49) floating place. Now that's not to say (00:27:50) things don't bother me, but like there's (00:27:52) something really nice about being like (00:27:55) everything is happening exactly as it's (00:27:57) supposed to and for me. So like even a (00:27:59) negative thing like where is that (00:28:02) redirecting me? How can we? And it's not (00:28:04) this like effort to be 100% positive (00:28:07) because I don't think that that's good (00:28:08) or sustainable or healthy. It's really (00:28:11) just like being with whatever (00:28:14) is literally. And sometimes I'm like, I (00:28:16) don't know, is the meditation working? (00:28:18) And then I say things like that, I'm (00:28:19) like, okay, we're good. That's the goal, (00:28:23) you know? Yeah. Like when people ask me (00:28:25) like, what is your like what do you see (00:28:27) in five years? Or what do you see? I'm (00:28:29) just, you know, I've I've decided that I (00:28:33) don't necessarily want to live there. (00:28:36) Like, I want to live where my two feet (00:28:39) are. And I think (00:28:42) the ultimate is literally like being (00:28:45) here right now, you know? But like fully (00:28:47) being in it, (00:28:49) not trying to get through the day, (00:28:52) that's a big thing for me because when (00:28:53) my days are stacked. Yep. And like even (00:28:56) today I had a podcast earlier and just (00:28:58) like the energy that I feel around (00:29:02) having days that are, you know, and then (00:29:03) I have to run home for the kids and but (00:29:05) I'm like with it and I'm not trying to (00:29:09) get through it. Like it just it brings a (00:29:11) different level of ease and softness to (00:29:13) my nervous system. Yes. Where you're not (00:29:15) like okay I just need to get to like (00:29:18) dinner time and then bed cuz then it's (00:29:19) like what are we really doing? What are (00:29:21) we doing? then everything is is like an (00:29:24) on repeat boring whatever and like we (00:29:27) are two people who are very lucky and (00:29:29) get to create our own days and (00:29:31) businesses and schedules and so what are (00:29:33) we doing if that's not (00:29:35) enjoyable I know it's that's that's it (00:29:39) literally you have been (00:29:42) so so raw about your experience taking (00:29:47) medication for anxiety (00:29:50) and I I even loved when you were like I (00:29:53) was getting a little like cocky a little (00:29:55) cocky and I was like I'm good I don't (00:29:57) need this. Can you take us to the point (00:29:59) of and I don't know if you're currently (00:30:01) on anything (00:30:03) but it's just really nice to break the (00:30:05) stigma down for anyone who feels like (00:30:09) they need more support here. Yeah, (00:30:11) absolutely. So, I spent most of my life (00:30:14) anxious. I think I was like born (00:30:16) anxious. My first anxious memory is in (00:30:18) kindergarten. Like I've just always been (00:30:20) very sensitive and hyper aware which (00:30:23) creates a lot of thoughts. And it wasn't (00:30:26) until I think about 2 years ago I was in (00:30:30) a relationship (00:30:32) and relationships will really bring up a (00:30:35) lot of anxiety even when they're (00:30:36) healthy. There's there's some guy on (00:30:38) Instagram that said like you can heal (00:30:40) and be on your own no problem but as (00:30:42) soon as you get in a relationship like (00:30:43) mirrors and it it just shows you (00:30:45) everything that you need. So this is no (00:30:47) knock on that relationship. It's just (00:30:48) where I was. And he actually really (00:30:50) pushed me to try medication. I had tried (00:30:53) all of the things, all the natural (00:30:55) remedies. Can you share some of them (00:30:56) too? Yeah, I did. Um I did I mean there (00:31:00) this the simple ones like CBD and (00:31:02) Ashwagandha all the way to things like (00:31:05) 5HTP. Um I take that now. Yeah, it's (00:31:08) great. And um there was this like (00:31:11) adrenal support that I was taking. Can't (00:31:13) remember the brand. I take that too. (00:31:14) Yep. I do all those things. You're like, (00:31:16) "Can you share the thing?" Saffron. Yes. (00:31:20) Um and I was on a whole I was actually (00:31:22) seeing a holistic um psychiatrist who (00:31:24) was helping me like he was like, "Here's (00:31:26) the medicine path. Here's the non-med (00:31:27) path. Let's try the non-f first. We can (00:31:30) always move you over to this one and or (00:31:32) do a hybrid." I love that. (00:31:34) Um because I think it's really important (00:31:36) that there this is a sliding scale and (00:31:38) there's range and it's not black and (00:31:39) white and everyone is so different. So I (00:31:41) also say all of this like remembering (00:31:44) that we all have very different (00:31:45) constitutions. So, this is just what (00:31:46) worked for me. So, I tried that. It was (00:31:48) helping a little, but it still wasn't I (00:31:50) was still stuck. And so, I started (00:31:53) taking (00:31:54) Lexapro two summers ago. And also, a (00:31:58) part of me wanted to try this because I (00:32:00) think it's important for me to see even (00:32:03) if one day I do go off the medication, (00:32:04) which is my ultimate goal, I think it (00:32:07) was important for me to see like, oh, (00:32:09) there this is how other people have been (00:32:11) living. This is possible. This is what (00:32:13) it feels like. It's expansive even just (00:32:15) like for your subconscious. Um, and so I (00:32:18) started the medication and all of a (00:32:20) sudden I was like cooking and like going (00:32:23) to work events like excited and I (00:32:25) started to be like, "Oh, I might have (00:32:28) had like a a touch of depression as well (00:32:30) that I didn't even really realize." And (00:32:31) I think talking with my coach and (00:32:34) therapist now, it's like maybe that (00:32:37) depression anxiety combination was was (00:32:40) almost a product of each other. It's (00:32:41) like I was I was spinning so hard all (00:32:44) the time that of course your body's (00:32:45) going to burn out. Like I now think (00:32:47) about these things as like a symptom of (00:32:49) what's going on rather than their own (00:32:51) diagnosis. Um you know it's I wasn't (00:32:54) born depressed, but I was putting myself (00:32:57) into a depressive state by being so (00:32:58) [ __ ] hard on myself and being so (00:33:01) anxious about everything. Everything (00:33:02) feeling like 10x what it actually was. (00:33:04) Of course, my system wanted to shut down (00:33:06) and go to sleep and not be social. It (00:33:08) makes sense. (00:33:10) So, I start the medication. I'm like, (00:33:11) "Wow, I'm seeing the world in color. I'm (00:33:14) feeling so much better." Um, by the way, (00:33:16) 5 milligrams is a very low dose. Like, (00:33:18) anything less than 10 is subclinical. (00:33:21) So, like, it didn't take much for me. (00:33:23) Um, and I was really lucky that the (00:33:24) first thing I tried worked cuz I know (00:33:25) that that's not necessarily the case for (00:33:27) everyone. Um, so I'm feeling good. I'm (00:33:30) doing well. I went through a breakup, (00:33:33) upped the dose a little during that, (00:33:34) that helped, went back down, and then (00:33:37) come this past summer, like you said, I (00:33:40) talk about how I got cocky. I was like (00:33:42) in a visa with my girlfriends. I was (00:33:44) falling in love with my now fiance. Like (00:33:46) everything was so good and I was like, I (00:33:48) think I'm good without this. The visa (00:33:51) will make you feel like everything's (00:33:52) good. I know. I came back to New York (00:33:54) and I was like, what? Um, so I worked (00:33:57) with my doctor, of course, and weaned (00:33:58) off of it. that's like no easy process. (00:34:01) And I just started to feel really dark (00:34:04) again. And I didn't even realize that it (00:34:05) was because I went off the medication. I (00:34:07) was like, "God, what could it be?" Which (00:34:08) is so silly because it was it was me not (00:34:11) giving enough credit to what this was (00:34:12) actually doing for me. Um, so I I just (00:34:16) started feeling like the world was sort (00:34:18) of grayscale again. Everything felt like (00:34:19) this heavy task. You know, even just (00:34:22) like a normal workday felt heavy. I (00:34:24) can't really describe it. Like the (00:34:26) weekends felt especially dark because (00:34:29) they were like this blank canvas to fill (00:34:31) in. Like for some reason the work week (00:34:33) felt easier and then the weekend would (00:34:35) come and it was just this daunting heavy (00:34:37) feeling and it took me back to like my (00:34:40) life premedication where I was like oh (00:34:42) my god I used to feel like that all the (00:34:44) time. So all this to say I went back on. (00:34:48) I feel good on it. Do I want to be on it (00:34:50) forever? No. I would love to like have (00:34:52) kids one day and and be pregnant and not (00:34:55) be on medication just because that's how (00:34:57) I believe I should be for a pregnancy. (00:35:00) Um, and I also now realize with working (00:35:03) with, you know, the team that I have in (00:35:04) place now that (00:35:06) like these, like I said earlier, these (00:35:09) anxiety and depression things are kind (00:35:10) of like symptoms of what's going on (00:35:12) internally. So the more I can work on (00:35:14) that, the more I can meditate every day, (00:35:16) the more I can journal, speak and stick (00:35:19) with my practices and like be persistent (00:35:21) and also patient with these practices, I (00:35:24) think I'm one step closer to like being (00:35:26) good on my own, but I'm just not there (00:35:28) quite yet. Yeah. And I think that is (00:35:31) that's okay. Like I think it's it's (00:35:35) great that you feel like you you know (00:35:38) imagine a world not being on it, but I I (00:35:41) think (00:35:42) just literally like we said before like (00:35:44) be with it. Like it's serving you so (00:35:46) well, but the fact that you just have so (00:35:48) much self-awareness and you're so in (00:35:51) tune with yourself to even like get to (00:35:54) the place where you and and by the way, (00:35:57) I I know exactly what you're talking (00:35:59) about. like when the days just feel like (00:36:02) there's just like a dullness and it (00:36:04) doesn't matter what it is, they just (00:36:06) I've dealt with that my whole life. Yep. (00:36:09) You know, and like I've had (00:36:12) doctors recommend Lexapro. I I tested it (00:36:16) once. I felt like it turned my lights (00:36:19) off. Like it was the weirdest thing. I (00:36:21) felt this. No, like it was so weird. It (00:36:24) was very shortlived because I (00:36:26) immediately was like, "This isn't (00:36:28) working for me." And I do feel (00:36:31) this, you know, like if I weren't to (00:36:35) meditate and I if if I didn't move my (00:36:38) body or take all of the supplements that (00:36:40) I take, like the days feel darker, you (00:36:43) know, like I I do have a lowe depression (00:36:45) that I You know your baseline. I know my (00:36:48) baseline, you know, and like it's some (00:36:50) days it feels like, oh, the things I, (00:36:54) you know, I have to do to to to feel (00:36:57) like I'm I'm in a good like a neutral (00:36:59) place. Yes, it can feel like uh I mean, (00:37:02) I have to do things, you know, this (00:37:04) isn't effortless for me, right? But it (00:37:06) has been this kind of choice. And by the (00:37:09) way, that that this could as I'm (00:37:11) listening to I'm like, should I try it? (00:37:14) I'm being really honest. Like cuz those (00:37:18) days you I felt it in my soul. Yeah. You (00:37:22) know, like I know exactly what you're (00:37:24) talking about. I can actually feel it in (00:37:26) my chest. I literally felt it right here (00:37:28) too. It's this lack of excitement even (00:37:31) though everything is so good and you're (00:37:33) so grateful and yeah, it's I don't know (00:37:38) exactly. I'm sure a lot of people (00:37:40) listening know exactly what we're (00:37:41) talking about. It it either resonates or (00:37:43) it doesn't. And also like bless if (00:37:45) you're not someone who has to do all (00:37:46) these things. Like sometimes I look at (00:37:48) people that have such ease with their (00:37:49) mental health and I'm like gh what I (00:37:51) wouldn't give to just be able to sleep (00:37:52) in. Like I have to get up and do the (00:37:54) damn thing. Otherwise it's not good. I'm (00:37:56) with you. And it's not good for the (00:37:57) people around me. Same. And nobody (00:37:59) benefits from that. I'm with you. And (00:38:01) and I I know that this conversation is (00:38:06) actually going to set a lot of people (00:38:08) free and it's going to help a lot of (00:38:11) people know that they're not alone. (00:38:14) Yeah. And even, you know, like right (00:38:15) now, like my form, like I take 5HTP. (00:38:17) 5HTP does wonders for me. It's amazing. (00:38:20) Does it mess your dreams up? I've been (00:38:22) having some crazy ass dreams happening (00:38:25) at night. God, girl, where I went last (00:38:27) night, we can't even talk about it. I (00:38:28) know. (00:38:29) I literally was like texting a friend (00:38:31) that today. I was like, "Can't give (00:38:33) detail, but whoa, details." No, the (00:38:35) dreams are crazy. They are. You say (00:38:37) that. It's a small side. It's a small (00:38:38) price to pay and I'm on a very, you (00:38:41) know, very low dose of that, but it's it (00:38:44) like upticks me. Yep. Like it it boosts (00:38:47) my serotonin to a place where like I (00:38:49) feel very very level. It's not highs or (00:38:51) high, lows are lows. And it is the (00:38:54) combination of also all of the other (00:38:56) things too, you know? It's like, yeah, (00:38:58) sometimes it's hard to tell what even is (00:39:00) working and you just have to be like, (00:39:02) it's working. I'm good. Let's not mess (00:39:04) with it. Yeah, that's where I'm at. (00:39:05) That's exactly where I'm at. But I just (00:39:07) love that you're so This is why people (00:39:10) love you so much. Thank you. No, because (00:39:12) you let them in and you make people feel (00:39:14) not alone. I try to do with any of my (00:39:19) work with especially with the wellness (00:39:21) process, I try to like be who I would (00:39:23) have wanted to guide me during my times (00:39:26) of darkness, you know, whether that's (00:39:27) relationships or mental health or (00:39:30) whatever it may be. Um, I try to think (00:39:33) of like how I would have wanted someone (00:39:34) to speak about it or or like the (00:39:37) information or rawness that I would have (00:39:38) craved cuz it's really helpful to see (00:39:40) that you're not alone in something. Um, (00:39:43) and it's really helpful to hear (00:39:45) someone's experience and like have a (00:39:47) little thing like the weekend's feeling (00:39:49) black and white be like, "Oh my god, she (00:39:50) gets it." And suddenly you're normalized (00:39:53) and you can take whatever you want from (00:39:56) my menu of options to do something about (00:39:58) it. You know, like it doesn't have to be (00:39:59) a medication, of course. It can be (00:40:01) meditation. It can be just knowing that (00:40:03) you need to have a routine, right? It (00:40:06) might just be that like sleeping in in (00:40:07) the morning doesn't serve you cuz that's (00:40:08) certainly how it was for me. Like, and I (00:40:10) love to sleep, too, and it doesn't serve (00:40:12) me. Same. And I was like, it's so funny (00:40:14) because I was so good at convincing (00:40:16) myself like, oh, I need the extra hour. (00:40:19) Like, oh, my aura ring that's saying I (00:40:20) got 9 hours, that's that's the real win. (00:40:22) And it's like, actually, I'm better off (00:40:24) with like 6 and a half if that's all I (00:40:26) have, but that extra hour of quiet time (00:40:29) in the morning where no one's awake, (00:40:30) that is my gold mine. Like, I need like (00:40:34) I, by the way, live to sleep. Like I (00:40:37) love when I get into bed I'm like this (00:40:40) is heaven. Wait until you get that a (00:40:42) sleep popping. You're going to Okay, (00:40:44) we're setting it up. No, I'm like so (00:40:47) bad. Like it's I have like two more (00:40:49) steps. I have to like take the picture (00:40:51) of me in the bed and then I'm like I'm (00:40:52) Wait, I didn't do a picture of me. You (00:40:54) did it. I'm like following the step by (00:40:56) step. Like what did you do to bypass? (00:40:58) Because I don't know if Clayton set it (00:40:59) up to be honest. I Well, that's where we (00:41:01) are cuz Ava did it and then I was like I (00:41:03) got it from here. It's been crickets for (00:41:05) days. Um, that's not my strength. No, (00:41:07) logistics and things. Sleep is amazing (00:41:09) and so important and I feel very low. I (00:41:11) don't know how you are, but like I fall (00:41:12) asleep like that. Instant, instant, (00:41:14) instant. Like I open one page of a book (00:41:17) or I try to watch White Lotus and it's (00:41:19) like I'm like snoring. Me too. I love (00:41:22) it's so good. (00:41:24) I swear that I used to do like believe I (00:41:28) needed 8 to 9. If I sleep for 7 hours, (00:41:31) seven straight hours solid and I get up (00:41:35) at 6:00 and today best days most best (00:41:39) days. I really think that the early wake (00:41:43) up, even if you're quote not a morning (00:41:45) person, even if you love your sleep like (00:41:47) us, even if you really value your health (00:41:49) and like to see a a high score on your (00:41:51) aura ring, that waking up and starting (00:41:54) your day for yourself with your own (00:41:57) motivation fueling you, you don't have (00:41:59) anywhere you technically have to be, but (00:42:01) you know that you're doing it for you. (00:42:03) It sets the tone for the entire day. (00:42:05) Even not hitting the snooze button sets (00:42:07) the tone in a different way. completely. (00:42:09) Those eight minutes are not worth what (00:42:10) it's taking away from you. It's so true. (00:42:14) I like I'm the I mean, this is this is (00:42:17) how I'm here. Yeah. It's It's how I've (00:42:21) grown because I've been able to be with (00:42:23) myself, to sit with myself, to be honest (00:42:27) with myself, to literally look in the (00:42:31) mirror and to know when something's off, (00:42:34) and to instead of, you know, go run (00:42:38) outside or get on a truck, you know, (00:42:39) like I where I lived in that crazy (00:42:42) mindset of like I have to do all this (00:42:44) cardio and literally run away from the (00:42:47) stuff like the sitting and the being. (00:42:50) Yep. And the grounding and the centering (00:42:53) is how I've been able to honestly like (00:42:57) continue to just come back to my purest (00:42:59) alignment with myself. And also to know (00:43:01) that like no one's coming to save you. (00:43:03) Like you have to do that for you. I (00:43:05) know. I wanted Noah to save me so bad. (00:43:08) Oh, I would love for someone to have (00:43:10) saved me. It just doesn't happen. Even (00:43:12) when you're in a beautiful marriage like (00:43:14) they still can't save you. They cannot (00:43:16) save you. only you can do it. You think (00:43:20) you think they can they can support you (00:43:22) which can help you see that you have to (00:43:24) save yourself. Absolutely. But like no (00:43:26) one's waking up for you at 6 in the (00:43:28) morning. No, it's I know it's it's one (00:43:31) thing I'm most proud of with my growth (00:43:33) is and and when you have children too, (00:43:36) let me tell you. I can't even begin to (00:43:38) imagine the layers that adds. It adds (00:43:40) some layers. Let's just say to put it (00:43:44) lightly, but it's like this morning I (00:43:48) and I've been getting in the shower (00:43:49) earlier and that's been one of my latest (00:43:51) things. Pre or postmeditation? So pre (00:43:54) and I am like a meditator in like I like (00:43:58) to be in my robe or a sweat set and like (00:44:00) my comfy socks and you know I'll have my (00:44:02) warm water with lemon and I know that (00:44:04) I'm like getting having my matcha after. (00:44:06) So it makes me do it you know it like (00:44:08) makes me do it faster. Yeah, but Niti, a (00:44:11) creator on our (00:44:13) platform is practicing like Ayurvedic (00:44:18) um practices and she has said to me that (00:44:21) she's in, you know, getting in the (00:44:23) shower to start your day earlier than (00:44:26) you think. And it almost like brings me (00:44:28) back to like going to bed. I think if (00:44:31) you if you can (00:44:33) change three things in your life like (00:44:38) right now, I think the simplicity of (00:44:41) going to bed 20 to 30 minutes earlier (00:44:45) than you'd like. Mhm. Waking up 20 to 30 (00:44:49) minutes earlier than you'd like. (00:44:53) And not touching your phone, getting (00:44:55) right in the shower because like (00:44:57) Benjamin said something to me. is like, (00:44:59) "Oh, you're like you're so ready." And (00:45:00) I'm like, "I am ready." Like it just (00:45:03) even feels it. Oh my god. Of course. (00:45:05) They they feel it all. They feel it all. (00:45:08) It was my kids that led me (00:45:11) to coming back to waking up early again. (00:45:14) Cuz sometimes you fall into, you know, I (00:45:16) was like, absolutely. And by the way, (00:45:17) there's in Yes. It's dark as [ __ ] (00:45:21) You're like, I don't want to get out. (00:45:22) It's warm. It's cold. It's I think the (00:45:26) wake up is key. proving to yourself that (00:45:28) you can do that. And also like I think (00:45:30) it's J Shetty says something about (00:45:34) how like you open your phone first thing (00:45:36) in the morning and you're letting the (00:45:39) energy of literally the entire world, (00:45:42) especially if you're on social media, (00:45:44) into you before you even do anything for (00:45:46) yourself. Not the vibe. No. No. Because (00:45:50) then you're (00:45:51) just, you know, it's like you're giving (00:45:54) to everyone. I mean, that's what we're (00:45:55) doing all day long. So to have that time (00:45:58) for yourself where in this process and (00:46:01) you mentioned it where you were in a (00:46:04) break or you were in a relationship that (00:46:06) you ended up leaving. (00:46:08) Can you share some of those like I think (00:46:15) like like body responses that you were (00:46:16) getting that maybe led you to knowing (00:46:19) this relationship wasn't right and like (00:46:21) just these red flags because I really (00:46:23) feel like a lot I don't know if it's (00:46:26) where we are in the world but I feel (00:46:28) like people are just living through a (00:46:30) lot of red flags these days like I'm (00:46:32) just like the flags are red the flags (00:46:34) are flagging (00:46:35) yeah you know with this relationship. I (00:46:39) will say (00:46:41) like I want to also be totally (00:46:43) respectful of him and not get into (00:46:45) detail about him, but there the tough (00:46:48) thing about this was there were no red (00:46:50) flags. It was a really beautiful, (00:46:52) amazing relationship. I think we both (00:46:54) just knew that it wasn't our end all be (00:46:57) all. And so that actually makes it even (00:46:59) harder. Really hard because it's one (00:47:02) thing to break up with someone cuz they (00:47:04) cheated on you, which I've been there. (00:47:06) Way easier. Everyone's cheering for you (00:47:08) when they're an amazing person. People (00:47:10) aren't necessarily cheering for you. (00:47:12) They're not necessarily supportive. In (00:47:14) fact, I actually had a lot of people who (00:47:15) I think didn't trust me in my (00:47:17) decision-m. So, what I will say is like (00:47:19) there are the obvious red flags. There's (00:47:22) also times when there (00:47:25) aren't. Just have to trust your gut. And (00:47:28) you have to trust that what's for you (00:47:31) will find you. That it's happening for (00:47:35) you. that your gut will literally never (00:47:37) guide you in the wrong direction. For (00:47:40) me, it was a complete trust fall. And I (00:47:43) think we were talking about this before (00:47:45) I came on, but like the fear of being or (00:47:48) maybe we talked about it on here, I (00:47:50) don't it's all blending together. The (00:47:51) fear of being in your 30s and and alone (00:47:53) is not a small one. And I think a lot of (00:47:56) women have that. It is not a reason to (00:47:58) stay in the wrong relationship. So, I (00:48:00) will also flag that because I think it (00:48:02) influences a lot of people's decisions. (00:48:04) people are living with their partner. (00:48:06) Um, they're 32 to whatever age. I was (00:48:10) 31. And so, there's a lot to unwind. (00:48:13) But you also have to ask yourself, and (00:48:15) and I did with myself, like I would (00:48:18) never put myself in a position to be (00:48:20) moving out of an apartment, totally on (00:48:23) my own, um, having to find my person in (00:48:26) a smaller window than I would have liked (00:48:27) if I didn't if it wasn't where I was (00:48:30) supposed to be. And I think that was the (00:48:32) case for him as well. (00:48:34) and and then it all happened very (00:48:37) quickly and I met the right person. So (00:48:39) it's like that breakup happened. I (00:48:42) started doing Lacy Phillips (00:48:44) Manifestation Lacy Love. I made my list. (00:48:47) I did all the things. And can you share (00:48:49) a little bit about her manifestation (00:48:51) course? So Lacy has a program called to (00:48:54) be magnetic. I've been a member of her (00:48:55) platform for a very long time. Um and (00:48:58) her whole thing is that we manifest from (00:49:00) our thoughts, right? So I think that's (00:49:03) what she says, our subconscious our (00:49:05) beliefs about ourselves. So if you have (00:49:07) limiting beliefs about yourself around (00:49:09) money, around love, around whatever, you (00:49:12) will literally manifest from those (00:49:13) areas. And so she basically takes people (00:49:15) into these hypnosis of sorts called uh (00:49:19) deep imaginings and helps you to rewire (00:49:21) those blockages and then you create your (00:49:23) lists and you literally start (00:49:24) manifesting. So I was like, these are (00:49:26) all the things I want and literally (00:49:29) within months he was around the corner. (00:49:31) So, all this to say, I know I sort of (00:49:32) steered away from your initial question, (00:49:34) but listening to your gut is key. It (00:49:36) doesn't necessarily have to be red (00:49:38) flags, and trust falls are sometimes (00:49:40) necessary, and darkness is sometimes (00:49:42) necessary before things get really light (00:49:44) and (00:49:45) bright. How did you like go through (00:49:50) those times? like what did you find help (00:49:52) helped you to actually live through it (00:49:55) instead of trying to, you (00:49:58) know, find someone and just kind of (00:50:01) latch yourself on to because it was just (00:50:02) like an easy quick fix. Like a lot of (00:50:05) girls I find will say that, you know, (00:50:07) like, oh, you know, the best thing to do (00:50:09) with a breakup is like go. And I'm like, (00:50:11) well, actually, totally. You could (00:50:13) probably find yourself in the same (00:50:15) situation with the next relationship if (00:50:17) you do that cuz you're not learning the (00:50:19) lesson here. No, you will repeat the (00:50:20) exact same patterns. And I definitely (00:50:22) did that at first. I was on the apps. I (00:50:24) was going on very unfulfilling dates. I (00:50:26) was kind of like, oo, could I make this (00:50:27) work? And like again, your gut is like (00:50:29) giving you signals like not for you. Um, (00:50:33) and then I sort of took a pause and I (00:50:35) was like, I need to be really happy (00:50:36) alone. There's something going on here (00:50:38) and I'm afraid of being like really (00:50:40) actually alone because I've never really (00:50:42) fully been alone despite like living (00:50:44) alone. I've I've always had, you know, (00:50:47) situations going on. And so I took time (00:50:50) and like really spent time alone. I went (00:50:51) and did the Hoffman process. I was like, (00:50:53) "We're going deep. I forgot you did (00:50:55) that." I mean, that was no joke. Can you (00:50:59) share anything or are you not supposed (00:51:00) to? Yes. So, you're not supposed to like (00:51:03) I won't share details cuz I I don't want (00:51:05) to change the experience for anyone that (00:51:07) that would maybe go. Um, it is (00:51:10) essentially and I honestly didn't really (00:51:12) know that much about it going into it. I (00:51:13) just like again knew that it was for me. (00:51:16) It's essentially helping you to heal (00:51:17) your relationships with your parents. (00:51:20) And it had nothing to do with my (00:51:22) relationship but also everything at the (00:51:24) same time. Um they take you through a (00:51:27) process of really roughing up all the (00:51:30) things that trigger you about your (00:51:31) family and your parents and your (00:51:33) upbringing, bringing awareness to it, (00:51:35) and then bringing compassion and (00:51:36) forgiveness and like moving on from it. (00:51:39) So, so many people's like patterns and (00:51:41) behaviors and mental health stuff comes (00:51:43) from those situations, whether they're (00:51:44) big tea traumas or the little things or (00:51:47) people's personalities or whatever it (00:51:49) is. Um, and it really changed my life. I (00:51:53) mean, I think I'm still integrating it. (00:51:55) It's been over a year and they say that (00:51:56) I think it's like more than a year of (00:51:59) just like integrating all that you go (00:52:02) through during that week. I mean, you're (00:52:03) no cell phone, nothing. You're up every (00:52:06) day five o'clock in the classroom to (00:52:08) 5:00 pm. You eat dinner in silence. Like (00:52:10) it is no joke. Um you're having (00:52:14) funerals. You're beating pillows. Like (00:52:17) it is mayhem in there in the best way. (00:52:20) Yeah. Um and so that's just an example (00:52:22) of I I became very serious about like I (00:52:25) got to get my [ __ ] together. I need to (00:52:27) figure out what's going on here where (00:52:29) like I haven't been happy. (00:52:32) Um, and and a lot of it honestly came (00:52:35) back to like being really hard on myself (00:52:37) and like beating myself up all the time (00:52:39) and not even taking it back to Nicole (00:52:41) Sachs work. Like that's a big part of (00:52:43) it. If you're someone that looks in the (00:52:45) mirror and you're ripping yourself apart (00:52:46) the entire time, your body is feeling (00:52:48) that. M so many people don't even (00:52:51) realize that like they're going to a (00:52:53) workout class to do something good for (00:52:54) themsel and then they're sitting there (00:52:55) tearing themselves apart without even (00:52:57) realizing it because especially women (00:52:58) like we're on autopilot to see flaws. (00:53:01) That's how I why I started teaching. (00:53:04) That was me. (00:53:06) Totally. (00:53:08) It's you don't realize until you do (00:53:12) about what a toll it's taking without (00:53:14) you know without even having any (00:53:16) attention on it. I know. Especially when (00:53:18) it's just running in the background. (00:53:19) You're walking down the street and (00:53:20) you're like feeling your jeans feel (00:53:22) tight and you're ripping yourself apart (00:53:23) over what you ate for the weekend or (00:53:25) whatever it is. Like that is very real. (00:53:29) So this helped you see Yeah. how you (00:53:32) were like just ways you were even just (00:53:35) like treating yourself in the slightest (00:53:36) and where it came from, which obviously (00:53:39) if you've done therapy, you generally (00:53:41) have an idea. There's a difference (00:53:43) between knowing where it came from and (00:53:45) knowing where it came from and then (00:53:46) working through it. M cuz if we know (00:53:49) then almost it sometimes can create (00:53:51) resentment. Um and yeah, look, we all (00:53:55) have complicated family situations to (00:53:57) whatever degree. Even if you had a (00:53:58) really beautiful upbringing, there's (00:54:00) always things that stuck. Always. No (00:54:02) parents are perfect. Um and I actually (00:54:05) had really great parents. So, it's like, (00:54:07) you know, it it can happen to anyone. (00:54:10) And there's I don't know. I think it it (00:54:12) was just a different level of I want to (00:54:14) go deep. I want to do the work. I want (00:54:16) to like prepare myself for that person. (00:54:19) Um (00:54:21) and then it happened. So the work (00:54:24) worked. Yeah. So did you feel when (00:54:27) because you and Clayton were you knew (00:54:29) each other? Yes. Loosely like we hadn't (00:54:31) really interacted but like I knew who he (00:54:33) was and vice versa. Right. But did you (00:54:35) feel at that time when you guys had that (00:54:38) first like initial like kind of feel cuz (00:54:41) like you you do kind of just know. It's (00:54:43) weird. Like no matter what anyone says, (00:54:45) you just your body literally tells you (00:54:48) it's like safe. It's crazy. I know. Uh (00:54:51) so when I first was connected with like (00:54:54) reconnected with him, um I ran into him (00:54:57) while I was out to dinner with some (00:54:58) girlfriends and he came over to the (00:54:59) table and I literally was like and I (00:55:02) don't want to confuse this feeling with (00:55:03) butterflies cuz it wasn't that. It was (00:55:05) just like that is a person that I like I (00:55:07) need to know and I need to be around. (00:55:09) And I didn't sleep that night. (00:55:10) Literally, you know, you and I sleep (00:55:12) zero hours. I was up because I was like, (00:55:14) I met my husband. And like, we had had a (00:55:17) 10-minute conversation. That was it. So, (00:55:19) that happened. 48 hours later, I went to (00:55:22) go review a Pilates class with my team. (00:55:25) It was a very small class. Chelsea (00:55:26) Delay, (00:55:28) her so cute. So, I waltz in there to (00:55:31) review and he's in the class on the (00:55:33) reformer next to me. No. And I'm like, I (00:55:36) mean, if this isn't a sign, I don't know (00:55:38) what is. Seriously, it's like a small (00:55:40) class of all women and then Clayton, you (00:55:43) know, it's like they're like, "You're my (00:55:44) person." And I texted Dale afterwards. I (00:55:46) was like, it was literally last summer (00:55:47) and I was like, "My husband was in (00:55:49) Pilates today." She sent me the (00:55:50) screenshot when we got engaged. She's (00:55:52) like, "You knew it." That's so And I (00:55:53) don't throw that around. I know. I love (00:55:55) your relationship with Dale, too. It's (00:55:57) so sweet. So special. We have been (00:55:59) through all of it together. And like (00:56:02) nobody can ever replace that energy. You (00:56:05) know what I mean? No one. Yeah. Okay. (00:56:08) Okay. So, you walk into the I'm I'm very (00:56:10) I'm there. I'm on the reform right now. (00:56:12) Okay. I'm sweating in the class. I'm (00:56:14) like so nervous. I'm also mad about my (00:56:16) outfit cuz I'm like I had no idea this (00:56:17) guy was going to be in here. I was in (00:56:19) like a purple onesie. I'm like why? You (00:56:22) know, was so annoyed. And he asked me to (00:56:26) get coffee shortly thereafter and we (00:56:30) kept it very friendly at first. (00:56:34) So important without even knowing it. I (00:56:35) know you did that too. Love. We built (00:56:38) this friendship where there was (00:56:41) obviously like romantic feelings, but no (00:56:43) one was talking about it, which is very (00:56:45) funny now when I think about it. And I (00:56:48) was traveling for most of the summer, so (00:56:49) we were like pen pals. We would FaceTime (00:56:52) for 5 6 hours. I was getting no sleep. (00:56:55) Literally none because of the time (00:56:56) difference. And like I'd just be up all (00:56:58) night on the phone with him. Wow. And we (00:57:00) were just so connected. I came back from (00:57:02) Abiza that summer. He picked me up from (00:57:04) the airport and like we literally were (00:57:05) joined at the hip ever since. off into (00:57:08) the distance into the Hamptons and that (00:57:10) was it. And we kept it really like I (00:57:13) will say this past summer was really (00:57:15) special because we weren't really (00:57:16) sharing it with anyone. We were just (00:57:18) sort of like in our little bubble. We (00:57:20) didn't want any noise. We didn't need (00:57:23) anybody talking about it. We were just (00:57:25) like enjoying each other and having no (00:57:27) one know. And that was so special. I (00:57:29) loved that, by the way. I picked up on (00:57:31) that. Oh, I love that. I intuitively (00:57:34) knew that you like it's so weird. (00:57:38) I just there was just something that I (00:57:43) felt very strongly in you could feel (00:57:46) protection on whatever and I I think (00:57:49) that that's very smart because listen (00:57:53) everything is energy and when you put (00:57:55) things out that some you know people (00:57:57) want and you get evil eye it can you (00:58:00) know like it's crazy how it can (00:58:02) interfere 100%. I know. And it just it (00:58:07) was I swear there was one time you kind (00:58:09) of in a glimpse look at me a little (00:58:11) creeper. I was like, "Is that Clayton?" (00:58:13) And I was like, "Wait a second." Like (00:58:15) that they're perfect together. It makes (00:58:18) so much sense. I love picked that up. I (00:58:21) know. But like it's because you get it. (00:58:23) I do get it. And I kept Noah a secret (00:58:26) for a long time in the beginning. I love (00:58:27) that. I didn't even tell my friends. (00:58:29) Stop. Well, because they all knew him. (00:58:31) So it was did they die when you were (00:58:33) finally like this is what's because just (00:58:35) imagine like a bunch of us worked for (00:58:37) him so you already have an idea of who (00:58:40) you think someone is which by the way I (00:58:42) had the same. So I just felt like (00:58:46) to (00:58:48) really listen to my heart instead of (00:58:51) other people's opinions and input. I I (00:58:54) had to do that. No noise. I had I (00:58:57) couldn't. Sometimes you just can't (00:58:59) afford the noise and you have to know (00:59:00) when to just be very like (00:59:01) self-preserving. And I think that's what (00:59:03) we both did. Yeah. I think I think it's (00:59:05) really beautiful for a relationship to (00:59:08) to bloom and then to really blossom. (00:59:11) It's the best because you also then have (00:59:12) this foundation of like really knowing (00:59:14) the person without it being like (00:59:16) romantic and being like swept away in (00:59:18) that. Yeah, I know. Like people ask when (00:59:21) our first date was and I'm like we (00:59:22) didn't really have one cuz it was like (00:59:24) coffee and friendship for so long, you (00:59:26) know, which is so interesting and like (00:59:28) so not what I would have necessarily (00:59:30) pictured, right? Um but also like feels (00:59:34) so right. And and I should also add that (00:59:36) I saw a psychic last year. Tell us about (00:59:39) the psychic. Oh my god. So you're I'm (00:59:42) going to end up giving you Jamie's (00:59:43) contact infog. Can we say her name or (00:59:45) are we keeping her? Her name is Jamie, (00:59:47) but you literally won't find her (00:59:48) anywhere. Everyone's going to ask for (00:59:50) her information. Is there like a handle? (00:59:52) Nothing. Nothing. Okay, Jamie, we'll (00:59:54) find you. It's her phone number, so like (00:59:56) I can't necessarily give it out on here. (00:59:59) She's in Texas. It's a phone call. She (01:00:01) reads your eyes. I had a call with (01:00:04) her uh last February over Zoom, (01:00:07) FaceTime. Literally just a phone call. (01:00:09) Oh, so like she goes into your soul. (01:00:12) Yeah. Yeah. She's entering. (01:00:14) She's entering your soul. And she told (01:00:17) me I was, it was February, so it was (01:00:19) right before Hoffman. I was like kind of (01:00:21) dating this toxic guy and I was like (01:00:24) asking her about him cuz you can also (01:00:25) send her pictures of people and she (01:00:27) tells you. So I'm sending her all my (01:00:28) dates and she's like, "No, if it's not (01:00:30) him, I'm crushed." Cuz I'm like, "No, (01:00:31) no, I thought it was him. Jamie, are you (01:00:33) sure?" And she's like, "You're actually (01:00:35) going to be engaged next year at this (01:00:36) time to someone else." And I was like, (01:00:39) "What are you actually talking about? (01:00:41) Like I like in less than a year. What do (01:00:44) you mean?" And she describes this guy so (01:00:48) specifically like I won't even say but (01:00:50) like things were like it's so niche to (01:00:52) him that like I was like what she also (01:00:55) mentioned real estate which I think is (01:00:57) interesting. (01:00:58) And (01:00:59) literally I mean one four weeks off from (01:01:02) when she said I would be engaged I was. (01:01:05) Wow. (01:01:06) So, to back to what we were saying, like (01:01:09) I was surprised by all this, but also (01:01:12) not because had this like inner safety (01:01:14) and knowing that like it was all just (01:01:16) going to work out and Jamie helped me (01:01:18) with that. I'm not going to lie. Yeah. (01:01:20) Everyone's coming for you, Jamie. I (01:01:22) think that that's very important though. (01:01:24) I've I've seen psychics before, but I (01:01:27) don't It's nothing I do regularly. (01:01:29) Sometimes it's just interesting to get a (01:01:31) little bit of a read. Yes. It's (01:01:33) especially great when you don't have a (01:01:35) specific purpose that you're going to (01:01:37) get an answer on. You're not like, "Help (01:01:39) me figure this thing out." It's more (01:01:41) just like, "Yeah, give me give me some (01:01:43) energy." Like, "What are you what are we (01:01:44) feeling?" Yes. Like it can be fun. (01:01:47) Totally. And it was. And like Yeah. It's (01:01:49) just It's been crazy to see like I'm (01:01:51) like, "Wow, she's not wrong about (01:01:52) anything." Wow. Okay. We're all invested (01:01:55) in your love life now. And I need to (01:01:57) know how we proposed. Oh my god. Of (01:02:00) course. cuz I watched the video and I (01:02:01) was just like, "Oh, it was so sweet. (01:02:04) You're so sweet." It was really special. (01:02:06) I'm not someone (01:02:08) who ever wants a production. Like, I (01:02:11) don't even think we will have a wedding. (01:02:12) Like, I'm just I don't I don't love the (01:02:14) formalities of any of it. I like it for (01:02:18) other people. I love celebrating other (01:02:19) people, but just not for me. Um, and so (01:02:23) we were heading out to the Hamptons two (01:02:25) Fridays ago, just the two of us. He had (01:02:27) just bought a house in Amaganza and we (01:02:29) were going to see it together for the (01:02:30) first time as owners because the owner (01:02:33) had finally moved out. We'd been to the (01:02:34) house but not like with it emptied and (01:02:36) like together. So we wake up in the (01:02:38) morning and he's like in an extra great (01:02:40) mood. He asks me what my perfect day (01:02:42) would look like and I'm like matcha (01:02:44) followed by Cararissa's salmon bowl. You (01:02:46) know, I list all the things and I'm like (01:02:49) getting ready to get in the car and I'm (01:02:50) wearing like a hideous sweatpant grout (01:02:53) fit and he's like, this is my first sign (01:02:56) is him like gently putting me in like (01:02:58) jeans and a cardigan and being like, are (01:03:00) you sure? Like what about this? I'm like (01:03:02) weird, but like sure. So I change again. (01:03:04) Like I'm Dulu. I both knew we would get (01:03:07) engaged soon and also was like I don't (01:03:09) feel like I have to put any pressure or (01:03:11) force on this. So I'm just like I I I (01:03:14) had a deep trust. That's when it (01:03:16) happened and that's how it's been the (01:03:17) entire way. There's been no push pull. I (01:03:20) never wanted that. I never wanted to (01:03:21) force someone to get engaged to me. That (01:03:23) was my nightmare. That is not (01:03:26) the the I don't think that's the energy (01:03:28) that can like keep it or sustain it. No, (01:03:31) you know, cuz you're trying to control (01:03:33) it. And not to mention, as a very (01:03:35) sensitive person, that would haunt me. (01:03:37) Haunt. So, so anyway, we get in the car, (01:03:41) we go out east, we do all of our things, (01:03:42) we pull to the house, he's like, "Let's (01:03:44) go to the beach before we go in the (01:03:45) house." She was like, I was like, (01:03:47) "Formal, but sure." Like, "Let's do (01:03:49) that." We take off our shoes, we ground (01:03:52) at the beach, he's doing all of my like (01:03:53) Lulu things with me without any level of (01:03:55) force. And I'm like, "This is (01:03:57) interesting." We had this nice moment on (01:03:59) the beach. He's like taking photos of (01:04:01) me. Like, he was kind of like messing (01:04:02) with me because like he knew it was (01:04:04) coming. And so we had all these pictures (01:04:05) where he's like sticking his tongue out (01:04:07) and I'm just like not knowing what's (01:04:09) going on. So cute. And we go to walk (01:04:12) into the house and he's like, "I'm going (01:04:14) to film you walking in." So, first we (01:04:16) take a moment on the doorstep and we're (01:04:18) like hugging and he's like, (01:04:20) "Um, we're envisioning what we want our (01:04:22) lives to look like in this house." And (01:04:24) he's like, "Just so you know, your (01:04:25) entire life is going to change when you (01:04:26) walk into this house." And again, I'm (01:04:28) like, "You didn't at all." No. I'm like, (01:04:30) "It's the house. You're right. This is (01:04:32) our future. (01:04:34) still not clocking it. I know. I'm I'm (01:04:38) going up the stairs and he's like (01:04:41) filming behind me. I walk into this (01:04:42) empty house and there's like these big (01:04:44) bouquets of flowers. I'm still not (01:04:46) clocking it. I'm like, "Clayton, that's (01:04:48) so beautiful. Thank you." And he's like, (01:04:51) "Go over there and like open the door (01:04:52) and let's let's hear the ocean." So, I (01:04:55) walk over and I like get add brain. Has (01:04:57) he set the tripod up at this point? He's (01:04:58) still Yes. He's thrown the phone on the (01:05:00) ground in.5 zoom out. (01:05:04) I I have no idea how he did this. It's (01:05:06) actually amazing. He's throwing it on (01:05:08) the ground. I'm again like dulu. Don't (01:05:10) even know. I walk over. I'm like getting (01:05:13) distracted. You can then see in the (01:05:15) video that he has the ring behind his (01:05:16) back. So he's like planning to do it and (01:05:18) I'm coming over to him like trying to (01:05:19) hug him and he's like trying to redirect (01:05:21) me. He's got the ring and like it was (01:05:23) just a whole dance. finally gets me out (01:05:26) of his way and I open the door and I (01:05:28) turn around and he was on one knee and I (01:05:30) was like I mean I completely blacked the (01:05:33) moment out because I was so happy and (01:05:35) just like on a different planet and I (01:05:39) didn't even like know that it was being (01:05:41) recorded, you know? (01:05:44) So smart to have said like I'm going to (01:05:46) video you cuz like obviously I was like (01:05:48) contact everything. It all made sense. (01:05:51) Um, but it was really special and I love (01:05:54) that it was just us and no friends (01:05:57) there, no family, no photographer, like (01:06:00) just an us moment. I would have also (01:06:02) been totally fine if it wasn't captured. (01:06:03) It's just a bonus. Um, and it was so (01:06:07) special and and I was so shocked. Oh, (01:06:10) it's so sweet. And thank you. when you (01:06:13) were sharing after on a Q&A and you were (01:06:16) like it's so sweet how many people are (01:06:19) interested and I wrote to you and I'm (01:06:21) like because people love you. I was like (01:06:23) Melissa what people love you and thank (01:06:27) you. It's so beautiful to see someone (01:06:29) that you love like be loved and to find (01:06:33) love and it makes people feel hopeful. (01:06:37) Absolutely. And I've so been there and (01:06:39) I'm so honored truly to be like (01:06:42) expansive for anyone in that area (01:06:44) because I understand what it feels like (01:06:46) to be single and dating and go through a (01:06:48) horrible multi-year breakup and to move (01:06:51) out and to feel hopeless. Like I have (01:06:53) been through all the stages of that. Um, (01:06:56) and I really believe that all of our (01:06:58) people are out there and it's just a (01:07:00) matter of like getting yourself to the (01:07:02) right space for it and trusting that (01:07:05) it's going to happen and not doing the (01:07:06) pushpull thing. Like I hit a point where (01:07:08) I was like, "No more dating apps." Like, (01:07:10) "This is not for me." Also, Jamie told (01:07:12) me I wasn't going to meet him on an app, (01:07:14) so I was like, "Get rid of the apps." (01:07:16) Um, but yeah, it's um I'm so happy to be (01:07:21) I can't believe I'm in the position (01:07:22) where I could be inspiring anyone with (01:07:24) my relationship. Like there's something (01:07:27) weird about when you're in your 30s and (01:07:30) so many of your friends are engaged or (01:07:31) married or have kids. And I'm realizing (01:07:33) that a part of me was (01:07:35) like didn't believe it was for me in a (01:07:38) weird way. I was like, "Yeah, that's for (01:07:40) everybody else. Everybody else gets to (01:07:41) have the home and the family and the (01:07:42) kids and like I'm sort of on the (01:07:44) sidelines in a weird way." I got so used (01:07:46) to that identity that like I can't (01:07:48) believe I'm now in that bucket. Like as (01:07:51) soon as he proposed I'm like, "We're (01:07:53) married." And he's like, "No, we're not. (01:07:54) Not yet." You know, I just went straight (01:07:56) into it. I'm like, "I'm a wife." Um (01:07:59) because I just It's so crazy to me. But (01:08:02) it's also so amazing. It's so beautiful. (01:08:05) It's so beautiful because you (01:08:09) have you've gotten yourself here. Yes. (01:08:12) You know what I mean? like you've (01:08:14) brought all of these beautiful things (01:08:17) into your life through (01:08:19) literally going through the darkness. (01:08:22) Yeah. It makes you also so grateful for (01:08:26) all of those dark times. Like even the (01:08:28) worst even the worst of my days with (01:08:30) pelvic pain. I wouldn't be doing any of (01:08:32) this. I likely wouldn't even be sitting (01:08:34) here if it weren't for that. You know, (01:08:36) it it really makes you when you're on (01:08:38) the other side of some of those (01:08:39) setbacks, trust in the process because (01:08:43) all of that was with guidance, I (01:08:45) believe. Oh, 100%. It's the thing that (01:08:48) people want to bypass the most, but it's (01:08:52) usually it's because there's something (01:08:55) going on somewhere in your life that is (01:08:59) completely at disease. And when you can (01:09:03) like really Yeah. go there and it's so (01:09:06) hard and you may have to disrupt (01:09:08) something really big and it's painful (01:09:10) and it's challenging and it hurts but (01:09:13) it's because they're you're you're (01:09:15) literally being guided to something. (01:09:17) You're upleveling. You're upleveling (01:09:20) and I just I I honestly adore you. Oh my (01:09:25) god. And so mutual just to see you I I (01:09:30) feel like I've literally watched you (01:09:32) grow up. Do you kind of have in a weird (01:09:34) way? Like I feel like when I you were (01:09:36) just like you were just like a young (01:09:39) girl, you know, and like to see you (01:09:42) really step into yourself, it's like we (01:09:45) said before, it's like we all have it. (01:09:49) Absolutely. But setting your like (01:09:51) setting yourself up for it, like really (01:09:54) doing it, seeing yourself is where it's (01:09:58) just like the lights they come on and (01:10:00) they're really bright. Thank you. And (01:10:02) and I do think like when you find your (01:10:05) purpose also and you've inspired me so (01:10:08) much in this way because it's so clear (01:10:09) that you've found yours, it brings out a (01:10:13) different energy in you that then (01:10:15) creates this momentum of creation, if (01:10:17) that makes sense, where it's like I feel (01:10:20) like I've found it in my podcast and in (01:10:22) talking to people and chronic pain and (01:10:24) all these things that I thought were (01:10:25) like my detriments. Um, and now I get so (01:10:29) lit up by it. Even on the days where (01:10:31) it's a little bit grayscale, like (01:10:32) there's still that level of gratitude (01:10:34) for where I am, what I've been able to (01:10:37) create, the people I've been able to (01:10:39) inspire. Um, and and that's why we do (01:10:42) what we do, right? That's why we're (01:10:44) sitting here having this conversation. (01:10:45) Like podcasts, apps, all the things like (01:10:48) we want people to experience the sauce (01:10:50) that we're experiencing 100% cuz (01:10:53) everyone can feel good. Everyone can. (01:10:55) And like it's about you finding the (01:10:57) things that make (01:10:59) you honestly just like light up a little (01:11:02) bit inside. Like the things that like (01:11:04) set your soul on fire. And it doesn't (01:11:06) even have to be like the biggest thing, (01:11:08) but it's like those little things and (01:11:11) the more that you keep doing them and (01:11:14) trying on different things and like (01:11:15) readjusting because it kind of is that (01:11:18) having flexible approach like how I was (01:11:22) 10 years ago, I'm so different now. Like (01:11:24) I'm (01:11:25) actually I'm devoted in a way I've never (01:11:28) been because I just know and trust that (01:11:32) that's how everything keeps opening up (01:11:34) for me. And to see it all open up for (01:11:37) you has been such I love watching you. (01:11:40) Thank you. And I'm excited to come on (01:11:41) your podcast, too. I can't wait. Tell us (01:11:43) where everyone can find you and all (01:11:45) things. So much to chat about. Okay, so (01:11:47) my podcast is called The Wellness (01:11:49) Process. Um Spotify, Apple, all the (01:11:51) places. Great name. Thank you. Um, it's (01:11:55) the wellness process pod on Instagram (01:11:57) and then my personal account is Eliza (01:12:00) end. (01:12:01) Thank you so much. Thank you, Melissa. (01:12:03) What a treat. I mean, you're just a (01:12:05) doll. Can you even with this one? Like, (01:12:08) you're just so lovable. (01:12:10) I'm so happy for you. (01:12:12) [Music]