How To Raise Kids You Actually Like (YouTube Video Transcript)

(00:00:00) Your YouTube transcript will appear here (00:00:00) how do you keep your children from doing (00:00:02) things that make you not like them (00:00:04) without shouting and fighting all day (00:00:09) well there might be a minimum necessary (00:00:12) amount of shouting and fighting (00:00:16) um (00:00:17) well in in my first book I outlined two (00:00:19) principles that were derived from (00:00:21) political philosophy one from France and (00:00:25) one from (00:00:26) from the English common law tradition (00:00:28) and (00:00:30) the French principle was (00:00:35) minimum necessary rules (00:00:37) so it's predicated on this (00:00:40) it's kind of a minimal government (00:00:41) philosophy (00:00:45) the idea being that (00:00:48) bad rules drive out respect for good (00:00:51) rules (00:00:52) and so (00:00:53) you have to have some rules (00:00:56) but (00:00:58) you know maybe you don't want to have (00:00:59) too many (00:01:00) and you can understand that because like (00:01:03) how many rules do you want to enforce (00:01:06) you want to spend all your time running (00:01:07) around enforcing rules (00:01:09) and the answer to that should be no (00:01:11) because you have a life and uh then you (00:01:15) have to figure out what the important (00:01:18) rules are (00:01:19) and so that's the first thing and you (00:01:21) have to talk that over with your wife or (00:01:22) your husband it's like well you know one (00:01:25) rule we had in our house was that you (00:01:27) didn't get to be mean to your sibling (00:01:30) now you could be funny (00:01:32) you could play you could tease even (00:01:35) although you had to keep the teasing on (00:01:37) the funny side of (00:01:39) funny and not the mean side and the (00:01:42) person you were teasing had a vote on (00:01:44) that (00:01:45) and so (00:01:46) and you know that requires a fair bit of (00:01:49) careful (00:01:51) discrimination on the part of parents (00:01:54) and a willingness also not to (00:01:57) you know maybe you're annoyed at one of (00:01:59) your children (00:02:00) and so the other child is teasing that (00:02:03) child and that's meanly and that's okay (00:02:05) with you because you're irritated at the (00:02:07) child well it's like no that never (00:02:11) happens it's like yes that's why you're (00:02:13) laughing it happens all the time (00:02:16) so you have to kind of keep a clear head (00:02:18) about this and (00:02:20) so that was one rule we had which was (00:02:22) you don't get to be gratuitously mean to (00:02:24) your sibling and the reason for that (00:02:27) rule was well we had a bunch of reasons (00:02:29) but one reason is as well how about (00:02:30) they're your friends when you're 20. (00:02:33) or 40 or 60. you know you got something (00:02:37) there with your sibling that you could (00:02:38) have your whole life if you don't screw (00:02:41) it up (00:02:42) and so (00:02:44) so that was a good Rule and so how would (00:02:47) we enforce it well that's (00:02:50) that also requires discussion between (00:02:52) you and your wife and that's that's the (00:02:55) other principle is uh minimal necessary (00:02:58) Force so you might say well how much (00:03:00) force is it necessary how much force is (00:03:03) it necessary to exert (00:03:05) to enforce a rule and the answer is (00:03:08) depends on the kid (00:03:10) and that's that's an annoying reality (00:03:12) but it's definitely the case with my (00:03:14) daughter for example most of the time (00:03:16) when she was a little kid it's flipped a (00:03:18) bit in the teenage years but when she (00:03:19) was little kid (00:03:21) pretty much all we had to do was like (00:03:22) Shake our finger at her and sort of (00:03:24) speak in a non-approving manner and she (00:03:28) would stop whereas my son that was like (00:03:31) round one dad (00:03:33) you know he was much more determined to (00:03:37) get his way (00:03:38) um (00:03:39) more willing to use resistance to get (00:03:42) his way and so we had to use more (00:03:46) invasive behavioral techniques one of (00:03:49) the things we did with him and with her (00:03:51) now and then was you know if he was (00:03:53) being a pain in the neck at the table (00:03:55) we'd put him on the steps it's like you (00:03:58) can sit there (00:03:59) how long (00:04:01) till you're civilized (00:04:03) and that's a really good rule you know (00:04:05) because well it should be for three (00:04:06) minutes like well maybe maybe it should (00:04:09) be for ten you don't know you can't (00:04:11) figure out what's the optimal amount of (00:04:13) time to give your child if you use time (00:04:16) out and the answer is you don't know and (00:04:19) so our criteria was (00:04:21) as soon as you're willing to (00:04:24) be a desirable human being (00:04:28) really you can get off the steps and (00:04:31) we're done like and that's another thing (00:04:33) that's so useful about effective (00:04:35) disciplinary techniques you know maybe (00:04:36) your kids misbehaving (00:04:39) at the table throwing his food on the (00:04:41) floor or whatever it might be (00:04:43) or just being ungrateful and miserable (00:04:45) despite the fact that you know your wife (00:04:48) has cooked them a nice lunch and he (00:04:50) should be thankful for it you're not (00:04:52) happy about it (00:04:54) you put them on the steps and you say (00:04:56) you can do this with even two-year-olds (00:04:58) they're capable of figuring this out you (00:05:00) say (00:05:01) and he might have to hold him there to (00:05:03) begin with because if he's a (00:05:05) particularly (00:05:07) stubborn (00:05:09) child you're going to put him on the (00:05:12) steps and let go and he's going to run (00:05:13) off it's like hahaha it's like no you're (00:05:17) sitting there (00:05:18) even if I have to hold you and you want (00:05:20) to not be angry about that it's like (00:05:22) he's two you can take him (00:05:25) so (00:05:27) [Applause] (00:05:29) you're gonna sit there until I tell you (00:05:31) you can get up and you can look at me (00:05:33) when I talk to you so you know I mean it (00:05:35) but as soon as you (00:05:38) decide that you're going to follow the (00:05:40) rules I'm going to forgive you like (00:05:42) instantly and that's really important (00:05:43) with kids you don't want to hold a (00:05:44) grudge and do you really want to hold a (00:05:46) grudge like do you really want to have a (00:05:47) grudge wouldn't it be better if it was (00:05:49) just over and the thing is is if the kid (00:05:52) Taps himself into compliance (00:05:56) and it's over (00:05:58) well hooray then then you get what you (00:06:00) wanted and and you might think well you (00:06:02) know who are you to impose your (00:06:05) rules on your child (00:06:07) and the answer is (00:06:09) I'm his parent (00:06:11) and you might say well what gives you (00:06:14) that right (00:06:18) and and the answer is (00:06:21) well I took on the responsibility and so (00:06:23) there's rights that go along with that (00:06:25) and second like (00:06:27) who else is going to do it (00:06:29) so what gives me that right it's like it (00:06:32) isn't exactly my right it's my (00:06:34) responsibility (00:06:36) right it's not like I want to put my (00:06:38) child on the steps to gratify myself (00:06:40) unless I'm you know there's something (00:06:42) seriously wrong (00:06:44) it's not pleasurable in and of itself (00:06:46) it's like I don't want the kid to be a (00:06:47) squalling wretched reprobate that (00:06:50) everyone hates (00:06:52) so (00:06:53) and you know if you remember your your (00:06:56) Elementary School (00:06:59) life and Junior High School life you (00:07:01) know there were children who were very (00:07:03) unpopular and who didn't know how to (00:07:05) behave and how about that isn't your kid (00:07:07) how about that and so (00:07:10) that's who you are to impose those rules (00:07:12) and you say well why how do you know (00:07:14) they're those are the right rules and (00:07:16) the answer is that's bloody tricky man (00:07:18) and that's partly why it's a good idea (00:07:20) to be married because if the two of you (00:07:22) can agree on a rule then there's some (00:07:27) reasonable likelihood that it's an okay (00:07:28) rule you know because what's the (00:07:30) probability that you're both crazy in (00:07:32) exactly the same way (00:07:37) so (00:07:40) you try you use minimal necessary force (00:07:43) and timeout is a very effective strategy (00:07:44) and with my son in particular it was (00:07:46) really interesting to watch him respond (00:07:48) to timeout because he did have a temper (00:07:50) and he would (00:07:53) I'd say all right you steps (00:07:57) and he's saying I'm not going to the (00:07:58) steps and he said I'm going to count to (00:08:00) 10 and you bloody well better be on (00:08:02) those steps by the time I hit one (00:08:06) and and he'd go I'm not going and I'd go (00:08:09) 10 and he'd look all panicky (00:08:13) and he's running around nine (00:08:16) eight don't count don't count I hate it (00:08:20) when you count (00:08:23) usually by by two he was pretty damn (00:08:27) close to the stairs and by one sitting (00:08:30) there and then you know I can remember (00:08:32) this quite vividly he would sit there (00:08:35) just (00:08:37) just enraged like it was (00:08:40) so interesting to watch because kids (00:08:42) well when kids have a temper tantrum (00:08:44) that's rage hey they're completely (00:08:46) undone by anger if you ever saw an adult (00:08:48) do that and I saw that my clinical (00:08:50) practice by the way you ever saw an (00:08:52) adult have a temper tantrum that would (00:08:54) scar you for life I mean it it's (00:08:57) something to see man you see (00:08:59) two-year-old you think well thank God (00:09:01) they're only this big and soft you know (00:09:06) but it was so interesting watching him (00:09:08) because when he'd be enraged like that (00:09:10) I'd go say to him leave him a minute or (00:09:13) so and say are you ready to get off the (00:09:15) steps are you ready to have a good day (00:09:16) he'd say not yet and (00:09:21) you know and then it would take a couple (00:09:22) of minutes longer and he would (00:09:26) get off the steps and come over and I'd (00:09:27) say you ready to have a good day and (00:09:29) he'd say I'm ready to have a good day (00:09:31) and you know he said it (00:09:34) you know if you want an apology from (00:09:36) someone let's say not that I wanted an (00:09:39) apology for him I wanted him to behave (00:09:40) properly but if you if you want an (00:09:42) apology from someone you know (00:09:44) you can tell by their voice if it's real (00:09:46) right because they there's a humility (00:09:49) and it's like okay I'm done you know I'm (00:09:51) done yeah I made a mistake I'm stupid (00:09:54) I'd like to try again I'd like to do (00:09:57) better you know and you can tell if it's (00:09:59) genuine you're very likely to forgive (00:10:00) them right and and you you listen (00:10:03) carefully for that if there's any note (00:10:05) of falsehood it's it's much harder to (00:10:07) let the person off the hook but if (00:10:08) they've really (00:10:10) admitted their mistake and are willing (00:10:12) to try again then if you're a reasonable (00:10:14) person and if I'm stored up too much (00:10:16) resentment then maybe you'll let them (00:10:18) off the hook and it was very easy when (00:10:20) he would come over after getting himself (00:10:22) together and say that then we just go on (00:10:25) our way and it was done and that was (00:10:27) lovely because (00:10:29) because we had reasonably effective (00:10:31) disciplinary strategies worked out we (00:10:33) didn't have to fight all the time (00:10:35) although we had to fight now and then we (00:10:37) didn't have to scream and yell and the (00:10:38) emotional ten ten tenor of the house (00:10:41) wasn't at a high level consistently (00:10:44) it was like there'd be sharp outbursts (00:10:47) of trouble that were short and contained (00:10:51) and then peace again and the aim was (00:10:53) peace it's like how about some peace (00:10:55) wouldn't that be lovely in your life (00:10:57) some actual peace you know which isn't (00:11:00) I'm holding my tongue and my nose (00:11:02) simultaneously because of all the things (00:11:04) that are going on here that I can't dare (00:11:07) to talk about as a God that's a terrible (00:11:09) way to live so (00:11:12) so that's the answer to that question (00:11:16) [Applause]