Matthew McConaughey’s Powerful Parenting Lessons (YouTube Video Transcript)

(00:00:00) Your YouTube transcript will appear here (00:00:00) your job is to help your kids become who (00:00:02) they are not become what you want them (00:00:05) to be yeah what I'm realizing now is (00:00:07) that in between father and friend (00:00:08) there's a bridge called brother as a (00:00:10) parent life you always got to remember (00:00:12) the goal of every conversation is to get (00:00:15) to have the next (00:00:16) [Music] (00:00:18) [Applause] (00:00:20) conversation with children mhm to use (00:00:24) not the term of them being you know (00:00:26) collaterally exports but that's our (00:00:28) greatest export yes that (00:00:31) that's our immortality that we have 18 (00:00:33) years to work on this little epic called (00:00:35) our children yeah and we (00:00:38) don't own them and make to make them be (00:00:40) like this we you got children how (00:00:42) quickly my biggest lesson I got when I (00:00:44) first had kids was Oh I thought it was I (00:00:46) thought it was uh more culture (00:00:48) environment than DNA and I was like oh (00:00:50) no yeah the DNA I they're they're who (00:00:52) they are yes it more DNA than I thought (00:00:55) yeah it the first lesson I learned I got (00:00:57) slapped in the face by that cuz I (00:00:58) thought it was like the parent full (00:01:00) sculpting I was like no you're nudging (00:01:03) and you're you're you're you're carving (00:01:05) here and you're trying to put more with (00:01:06) healthy and give G to turn them on and (00:01:08) feed them in front of them and yeah you (00:01:10) you want them to get a few bruises you (00:01:11) don't want to take away all the all the (00:01:13) thicket in the broken glass but you also (00:01:14) don't want them to you know break their (00:01:17) leg every time they go out the door so (00:01:18) you you want to give them a little bit (00:01:20) you know um your job is to help your (00:01:23) kids become who they are not become what (00:01:26) you want them to be (00:01:28) yeah and you know I'm not teenagers now (00:01:33) that's a whole fun game yeah of which I (00:01:36) am happy to say I'm I'm really enjoying (00:01:38) I feel like I'm hitting my honey hole of (00:01:40) of being a (00:01:41) father it's in ways the most challenging (00:01:45) but I didn't know that there was a stop (00:01:48) between I always like I always thought (00:01:50) it was your father early and then later (00:01:52) on you can become a friend but don't (00:01:54) become a friend too early yeah because (00:01:56) they need a they need a father yeah what (00:01:58) I'm realizing now is that in between (00:01:59) father and friend there's a bridge (00:02:01) called brother oh sure and I'm able (00:02:06) to especially with my teenagers now then (00:02:09) be in a tough situation or a great (00:02:12) situation and and and be and I'm patting (00:02:14) them on the back rather than hey come (00:02:17) here here's how you gotta yeah and and (00:02:19) I'm not just going like yeah man it's (00:02:22) like there's I have a different arm (00:02:24) around them I'm with them going through (00:02:26) things yeah I also don't have to edit my (00:02:28) good stories as much anymore I can I can (00:02:31) keep in the in the juicy stuff because (00:02:33) they can be like they get it now and (00:02:34) they're like oh really you're like yeah (00:02:36) it's funny you meet families and you're (00:02:37) like oh you guys like like spending time (00:02:39) together like that's yeah and if that (00:02:41) that wasn't exactly your childhood (00:02:43) experience you're like oh there's a diff (00:02:46) there's it's like people go like you (00:02:48) just said you got 18 years together and (00:02:51) then and then you see people and they're (00:02:53) like oh no that they're spending like I (00:02:55) I hear from people like come like one of (00:02:57) my favorite things of all time is when (00:02:59) somebody comes in to the book store to (00:03:01) get one of my books because their kid (00:03:03) told them about it and I'm like oh you (00:03:06) guys are you guys have a mutual (00:03:08) relationship that is not primarily (00:03:12) predicated on the fact that they live in (00:03:14) your house right you know and like (00:03:16) you're like when someone's like oh let (00:03:17) me text my son about that I I love it's (00:03:19) like oh it's not that they're friends (00:03:21) but they have this exchange that that (00:03:25) surpasses you know the the the like the (00:03:28) legal part of the relationship and so (00:03:30) actually you have their whole life you (00:03:32) know if you do it right you have you (00:03:33) have you have your whole life cuz (00:03:35) ideally their life goes on longer than (00:03:37) yours so you have their whole you they (00:03:39) have your whole life to be taught and (00:03:42) instructed and modeled and uh and that's (00:03:46) how it can go if you do it right I like (00:03:49) that spin a term you have your whole (00:03:50) life and they have your whole life but (00:03:52) you don't have their whole life right (00:03:54) yeah access my buddy Bart nags had three (00:03:58) daughters you know Bart yeah talking (00:04:00) about teenage years coming on he's a (00:04:02) good good man good father and I was like (00:04:04) give me give me give me a hint man he (00:04:05) goes maintain access yeah keep access (00:04:10) and I've had to watch again going into (00:04:13) the brother father to brother and being (00:04:15) times where they'll share something and (00:04:18) condemn themselves yeah and I would have (00:04:22) not known and they're wise enough to (00:04:24) know that if I don't tell I'm probably (00:04:26) not going to find out yeah and first (00:04:28) reaction I go to judge and jury and then (00:04:31) have to go no dude they're sharing that (00:04:34) with you there has to be some we got to (00:04:36) give some credit and a little bit of (00:04:37) amnesty for the fact that they shared (00:04:38) something that they knew they could have (00:04:40) got away with yeah that right that's (00:04:42) what you want yeah and so Main and M (00:04:46) learning the things that other parents (00:04:47) already know like it's you don't get it (00:04:49) right here in the one-on-one sit Downs (00:04:51) you get it driving to school for the (00:04:53) hour with the music on while they're (00:04:55) looking out the window and it's not the (00:04:57) no look me in the eye unconditional you (00:04:59) know attention right now that's hard for (00:05:01) them MH um but when you get it in (00:05:03) passing throwing the ball yeah and (00:05:05) you're getting this great stuff you know (00:05:07) so I'm working on that is maintaining (00:05:09) access you know the story about George (00:05:11) Washington the cherry tree chops on the (00:05:13) cherry tree and he tells that I was (00:05:15) reading once that we missed the lesson (00:05:17) of the story because it's not real it (00:05:18) didn't actually happen the lesson was (00:05:20) that he told his dad what he did and (00:05:22) that he trusted his wouldn't get his ass (00:05:24) beat for it you know what I mean like (00:05:26) that which would which would have been (00:05:28) unique in the 18th century that he told (00:05:31) his dad the truth and his dad took the (00:05:34) truth as the important thing not the I (00:05:36) have to inflict punishment on you for (00:05:39) having you know screwed up in some way (00:05:42) that's what you want I I when I tell the (00:05:44) story about me and my dad in in there (00:05:46) when when he got physical with me for (00:05:48) stealing that pizza he was not (00:05:50) hurt because I stole the pizza yeah he (00:05:54) was hurt cuz I lied to him about it yeah (00:05:56) he'd stolen many freaking pizzas man he (00:05:59) just want me to go oh yeah we told the (00:06:00) piz got busted going God damn it what if (00:06:03) you're going to do that you got to get (00:06:04) away with it better you know what I mean (00:06:06) or what what' you do with your lngs (00:06:08) right but he was never and I didn't know (00:06:09) that till after right and the and I (00:06:11) would never forget the pain in his eyes (00:06:15) interesting the fatigue yeah of his (00:06:19) jawdropping was (00:06:22) not what what how am I failing that my (00:06:25) son stole a pizza it was how am I (00:06:27) failing that my son wouldn't just tell (00:06:30) me the truth about that how am I failing (00:06:33) that I I raised a son that lied to me (00:06:35) three times about stealing like God damn (00:06:37) pizza come on and that think thinking (00:06:40) about what I think the the way I would (00:06:42) think about it now is what did he do (00:06:45) that made you not feel comfortable (00:06:46) telling him right why did you lie so (00:06:48) what cuz because there's something we do (00:06:51) we want them to we said you can come to (00:06:52) me that's what we say but then every day (00:06:55) with our actions we're like yeah if you (00:06:57) come to me it's bad for you right not (00:07:00) actually making it you know there's (00:07:02) there's what you say and then there's (00:07:03) the case that you make every day dude (00:07:06) the night I wrote a little quick blurb (00:07:09) on at the beginning about um losing my (00:07:13) virginity by blackmail when I was (00:07:16) 15 maybe I was (00:07:20) 14 you know what the threat (00:07:23) was no you come to this hotel and you're (00:07:26) going to me or I'm going to go to your (00:07:29) house and and tell your parents that (00:07:30) you've been drinking beer at your your (00:07:34) log cabin you built in the (00:07:37) woods yikes I need tell my mom and dad (00:07:40) that man I'm getting in trouble yeah I (00:07:43) know (00:07:44) now my parents would have been like get (00:07:47) your ass tell told that girl to get your (00:07:49) ass off our porch how dare you try to (00:07:51) manipulate her son come here come in (00:07:53) here and it I we' have hugged it (00:07:55) out I didn't I didn't right I didn't see (00:07:59) it and I would have not being (00:08:00) blackmailed right that night right you (00:08:03) know what I mean I I I so I've got a (00:08:05) couple I I misread a couple of times I'm (00:08:08) sure there's more than that right you (00:08:10) know um so I was we were (00:08:13) miscommunicating or I was misperceiving (00:08:16) yeah along the way in some way uh or not (00:08:20) seeing (00:08:22) clearly you know what was what I'd seen (00:08:24) with my older brothers and how they were (00:08:27) disciplined by rules and stuff like that (00:08:28) maybe I didn't see it clearly there's a (00:08:30) guy Dave Cary who lives in Georgetown (00:08:32) maybe I was just chicken (00:08:34) [ __ ] I was I was talking to someone the (00:08:36) other I was like I wish I wish like I (00:08:38) was talking to like I wish that my track (00:08:40) coach just said you know this to me I (00:08:42) would have gotten through and my friend (00:08:43) was like they said that to you several (00:08:46) times what the [ __ ] are you talking (00:08:47) about so there there's something about (00:08:49) we can't hear what we're not ready to (00:08:51) hear so they probably told you a (00:08:52) thousand times come to me no matter what (00:08:54) it is you won't get in trouble and then (00:08:56) you just refuse to hear but anyways (00:08:58) there's this guy named Dave Cary who (00:08:59) lives in in Georgetown he was he went to (00:09:01) the Naval Academy he was in the hanoy (00:09:03) Hilton with uh Stockdale and McCain he (00:09:06) was a prisoner of war for like six or (00:09:07) seven years anyways he was I I asked him (00:09:10) once just in Vietnam last year oh wow (00:09:13) he's this amazing guy and he was saying (00:09:15) that one of the things he learned as a (00:09:16) parent he's like you always got to (00:09:17) remember that the the goal of every (00:09:20) conversation is to get to have the next (00:09:23) conversation I think about that a lot (00:09:26) cuz you think your job is like I got to (00:09:28) discipline them I got to get this point (00:09:29) cross I got to make them understand this (00:09:32) and it's like you don't know that this (00:09:34) is the conversation where that is (00:09:36) supposed to happen actually it might be (00:09:38) 15 years from now they're going to be (00:09:41) calling you with some problem or not (00:09:43) calling you with some problem because of (00:09:45) how you acted in this moment yep amen (00:09:49) yeah that's a good one it's a good one (00:09:51) to remember it's good for life too (00:09:52) generally also takes some pressure off (00:09:54) yeah of course yeah if you think this is (00:09:58) the moment you're probably going (00:10:00) like uh someone said yeah I definit I (00:10:03) definitely have that that I pride and (00:10:06) arrogance to feel like no I got to make (00:10:09) it clear right now and it's it's black (00:10:11) and it's white do you understand that (00:10:13) it's that clear say it back to me great (00:10:15) period done are we done now okay (00:10:17) everyone got it okay now let's have ice (00:10:19) cream like instead going like no it's (00:10:22) just it's don't have to put a period on (00:10:24) the end of it let have keep it open and (00:10:26) we can still have the ice cream while (00:10:27) we're finishing up the conversation (00:10:29) right which is that it's hey we only got (00:10:31) 18 years says who right you know you're (00:10:33) not going to can't have any good (00:10:34) conversations when they're 22 right I (00:10:37) hope you could so it's like kind of yeah (00:10:39) I think whenever I'm (00:10:42) extrapolating I'm usually getting myself (00:10:44) in trouble like I'm it's like I'm (00:10:46) worried if you did this and then you (00:10:47) don't understand this then this this (00:10:49) this this and you'll end up living under (00:10:50) a bridge somewhere or you know and works (00:10:53) if if I let them talk to me this way in (00:10:56) this (00:10:58) situation no one will ever respect me (00:11:00) ever again you know it's that (00:11:02) extrapolation based on you know an (00:11:04) absurd series of (00:11:06) assumptions also it's also I think it's (00:11:09) fair to say you and I really like logic (00:11:12) yeah not everything's so logical (00:11:15) most of these discussions are not about (00:11:19) logic yeah yeah they're very passionate (00:11:22) and animal want yeah need (00:11:27) reactionary discussions I mean I don't (00:11:30) you know and I always (00:11:32) like 2+ 2 is four there's the math yeah (00:11:36) what don't we get about that that's (00:11:38) that's you a lot of times that's not the (00:11:40) point that they're yeah understanding or (00:11:43) want understanding go (00:11:45) oh oh I get it yeah I didn't know that (00:11:48) was the math that's not easy what the (00:11:50) what they're asking do you want to be (00:11:52) right or do you want to be married you (00:11:54) know