What Every Mom Needs to Hear Today (YouTube Video Transcript)

(00:00:00) Your YouTube transcript will appear here (00:00:00) I have my friend and colleague Jesse (00:00:02) here. And Jesse is one month away from (00:00:07) becoming a mom for the first time. How (00:00:10) the hell do I do this? How do you be a (00:00:13) mom? Period. Your biggest breakthrough (00:00:16) as a parent is going to be to trust. (00:00:18) Trust your daughter. Okay. (00:00:21) Oh, she chose (00:00:23) [Music] (00:00:28) you. Here we go. Still, I can't help but (00:00:31) think I didn't do it right. I actually (00:00:34) have a totally different point of view (00:00:35) about this. How do you remove the (00:00:36) parenting pressure? Well, I I just think (00:00:39) it's like something you deal with every (00:00:40) single day. You get to decide if you (00:00:42) want to go through life as a mom and put (00:00:45) that much pressure on yourself. This is (00:00:47) the single most important question a (00:00:48) parent could ever ask a (00:00:51) child. Hey, it's your friend Mel and (00:00:54) welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. I'm (00:00:56) so excited for our conversation today. I (00:00:59) love spending time with you. It's always (00:01:01) an honor to be together. And if you're a (00:01:03) brand new listener, I just want to take (00:01:05) a moment and personally welcome you to (00:01:06) the Mel Robbins podcast family. Boy, (00:01:08) have you picked a winner. And because (00:01:11) you made the time to hit play and listen (00:01:14) to this particular episode, here's what (00:01:17) I know about you. You're the kind of (00:01:18) person who values your family. And that (00:01:20) can be your given family. It can be your (00:01:22) chosen family. And you also value (00:01:25) celebrating the special people in your (00:01:27) life. And I want to tell you something (00:01:29) before we jump into the topic of all (00:01:31) things moms and kids and the connection (00:01:34) between you and your mom. If someone (00:01:37) sent you this episode, I'll tell you (00:01:39) why. It's because they really want to (00:01:42) have a closer connection with you. And (00:01:44) if you're a mom, they probably sent it (00:01:46) to you also to tell you you did a good (00:01:49) job. And I think you're going to love (00:01:50) hearing the conversation today because (00:01:52) today you and I are talking all about (00:01:55) moms and you certainly have a mom or if (00:01:58) she's no longer with us, you had one or (00:02:00) you had a mother figure. And if you are (00:02:02) a mom or if you're about to be a mom or (00:02:05) if you're wondering, do I even want to (00:02:08) have kids? Well, this is going to make (00:02:11) you think so differently. First of all, (00:02:13) about your own experience growing up, (00:02:16) about the role of a parent, about the (00:02:18) fears that are so normal to have before (00:02:21) you become a parent, the questions that (00:02:23) people have about whether or not they (00:02:25) even want to become a mom or a dad. This (00:02:27) conversation is going to just crack open (00:02:30) your heart. It's going to make you think (00:02:32) about your own childhood, about your own (00:02:33) mom. You're going to want to share this (00:02:35) with your sisters, with your friends, (00:02:37) with your mom, your daughter-in-laws, (00:02:38) your daughters. Anybody that's about to (00:02:41) have kids are going to love this or just (00:02:43) had a baby. I cannot wait to see how (00:02:46) this opens up really amazing (00:02:48) conversations with you and the people (00:02:49) that you care about that it makes you (00:02:51) think differently about one of the most (00:02:53) important jobs in the world. And that's (00:02:55) the job of being a mom. And today I'm so (00:02:59) excited to dive into this because I have (00:03:00) my friend and colleague Jesse here. And (00:03:03) Jesse is one month away from becoming a (00:03:07) mom for the first time. She's terrified (00:03:11) and excited. And so today, we're sitting (00:03:14) down, you and me, with Jesse, and we're (00:03:17) getting real and honest about what (00:03:18) nobody tells you about motherhood. And (00:03:20) I'm super excited because Jesse (00:03:22) literally could have her water break in (00:03:24) the middle of this. That is how pregnant (00:03:25) she is. I'm so excited to dive into (00:03:28) this. Everything from pregnancy, (00:03:30) parenting, priorities, guilt, your (00:03:33) relationship with your own parents. (00:03:35) Let's get into it. Jesse, welcome to the (00:03:38) Mel Robbins podcast. You know what's (00:03:39) crazy about this, Jesse? What? Normally, (00:03:41) you're the one filming. I know. I know. (00:03:44) Well, this is the only way I could get (00:03:45) you off your feet cuz your blood (00:03:47) pressure is high. Yes. And I know you're (00:03:49) not supposed to be standing up. And so, (00:03:51) we put you in a chair and handed you a (00:03:53) mic. And now we're going to talk all (00:03:54) things motherhood. You ready? I'm so (00:03:56) ready. How long have we worked together? (00:03:58) Four years. Four years. Okay. So, we've (00:04:00) worked four years. Really? I know. Gosh. (00:04:05) And so Jesse's pregnant with her first (00:04:07) child. And what's really weird sitting (00:04:09) with you is that I'm sitting here and I (00:04:11) feel like we're at two totally different (00:04:15) kind of ends of the kind of mom scale, (00:04:20) right? where you are cooking a little (00:04:23) baby in there and you're about to be a (00:04:28) mom and I today is Sawyer's 26th (00:04:33) birthday. Yes. And Kendall is 24 and (00:04:37) Oakley (00:04:38) is 19 soon to be 20. And so having I I (00:04:44) can't believe I've been a mom for 26 (00:04:46) years, right? (00:04:49) And they still talk to me. Yes, they (00:04:51) want to talk to you. So, you're 36 weeks (00:04:54) pregnant. Yes. How are you feeling? Oh (00:04:57) my god. Um, it's a it's a lot is going (00:05:01) on in my mind right now. Life life is (00:05:04) about to completely change and I think (00:05:07) the most beautiful, fulfilling way and (00:05:09) terrifying way. And so that is what I'm (00:05:11) so excited that we're here that we get (00:05:13) to just talk have some girl talk. Yes. (00:05:16) and talk motherhood and everything (00:05:18) that's coming with it. And what I what I (00:05:21) there are so many things that I love (00:05:22) about you, Jesse. And since you may not (00:05:24) have met Jesse, I just want to tell you (00:05:27) a little bit about Jesse. So Jesse and I (00:05:29) met here in southern Vermont because we (00:05:32) were both dragged here by people we (00:05:33) love. She was dragged here by her (00:05:35) husband and his job and she left her (00:05:39) dream job. So Jesse is not like I would (00:05:41) say the kind of person who is like super (00:05:44) a girl girl. You know what I'm saying? (00:05:46) She worked at NASCAR. She was a producer (00:05:51) and a video editor for the Baltimore (00:05:53) Ravens and then she moved up here and (00:05:56) we've worked together for four years and (00:05:57) she's run the studios up here and so (00:05:59) edited like probably at least twothirds (00:06:02) of the podcast episodes, shot a ton of (00:06:05) them here and so she is not somebody (00:06:07) that I ever see get all that emotional (00:06:10) about things, but she's already got (00:06:12) tears in her eyes. Yeah. So terrified. (00:06:15) What are you terrified about? Oh gosh. (00:06:19) There's the whole there's there's a fear (00:06:21) of obviously the pain part of it of (00:06:23) actually pushing out a baby or however (00:06:25) this little one is going to make her (00:06:27) entrance. Yep. And the cannonball (00:06:29) through your legs is what's going to (00:06:30) happen. Yes. Yes. Which like Oh my god. (00:06:34) No one can really prepare you for that. (00:06:35) No. But your body the body knows knows. (00:06:39) And it's going to be 10 steps ahead of (00:06:40) me. It already is which is amazing. Yep. (00:06:42) Because just just so you understand as (00:06:45) you're listening to us, Jesse also is (00:06:48) having some high blood pressure. And so (00:06:52) she is the baby is coming probably a (00:06:54) month early. Oh yeah. She's not going to (00:06:56) make it 40 weeks. She's not going to (00:06:57) make it 40 weeks. And so this could (00:06:59) happen any day. And if my answers scare (00:07:01) Jesse enough, we might just have the (00:07:03) water break while we're filming this. (00:07:05) That's it. Yep. Live. Live. Yeah. And I (00:07:08) think it's it's that it's the unknown. (00:07:10) It's the It's the fear of having her be (00:07:14) born and then the fear of like how the (00:07:17) hell do I do this? How do how do you how (00:07:20) do you be a mom (00:07:22) period? Never done this (00:07:24) before. What do you think the job of a (00:07:28) mom is? (00:07:31) The first word that comes to mind is (00:07:34) here we go. Um protector. (00:07:38) I don't know why. um nurture obviously. (00:07:43) Um and I think there's a beautiful (00:07:46) relationship there, especially since I'm (00:07:48) having a little girl. Mhm. (00:07:52) Sorry. That I think is so exciting to (00:07:54) have that relationship with and to do it (00:07:57) how I want to do it. (00:08:00) Um and then it just brings on like, (00:08:02) well, I want to do it right. I want to (00:08:04) make sure she knows how much she's (00:08:05) loved. I want to make sure she knows how (00:08:07) special she is, how important she is in (00:08:09) this world, how valued she is in this (00:08:13) world. Um, so a lot of things come (00:08:17) with (00:08:19) that. Well, I think the fact that you've (00:08:21) already listed off all those things (00:08:22) means you're going to do it right to the (00:08:25) best of your ability. (00:08:28) I'm gonna try. Yeah. What do you think (00:08:31) doing it right looks like? Oh man, so (00:08:34) many things. cuz I think (00:08:35) it's it can be the start of packing the (00:08:39) right things for the hospital bag. It (00:08:40) can be the start of I mean it's so (00:08:43) stupid how much of that stuff takes up (00:08:45) space in my mind but doing it right as (00:08:48) far as having you know making it to 40 (00:08:50) weeks. I don't know if I'm going to make (00:08:51) it to 40 weeks. Oh, for God's sakes, (00:08:52) Jesse. I know. You think doing it right (00:08:54) means going 40 weeks? Yes. They're doing (00:08:57) doing it where not naturally, but just (00:09:00) letting my body do it when my body wants (00:09:02) to do it, not get induced. So, you think (00:09:04) you're doing it wrong if you get (00:09:06) induced? Oh my god, it's been a roller (00:09:07) coaster this week. I think I I put so (00:09:10) much pressure on myself to let myself (00:09:12) listen to my body first and now it's (00:09:14) like, nope, you're going to have to (00:09:16) probably get some some help to start (00:09:18) this. So, that feels like I'm already (00:09:21) not not doing it right. Um, and then (00:09:23) it's also just how to do it right with (00:09:25) how to ra how do you properly raise a (00:09:27) little human? I don't know why you're (00:09:29) asking me because I like I Yeah. So, (00:09:32) what do you what what do you think it (00:09:34) means to get motherhood, right? (00:09:36) Uh, raise a good human. (00:09:38) Okay. Um, cuz you're very hard on (00:09:41) yourself. A little bit. So, is there a (00:09:43) right way to have the baby? Like, you're (00:09:45) 36 weeks pregnant right now. What would (00:09:47) getting it right look like? In my head, (00:09:50) this is so again, this narrative I've (00:09:52) created that just says you want to go (00:09:55) into labor naturally. And right now, as (00:09:59) of this week, my doctor said that ain't (00:10:01) going to happen. So, scratch that off. (00:10:04) Okay. And how does that make you feel? (00:10:06) Terrible. Why? Cuz I feel I've asked (00:10:09) every doctor that I've had to see, like, (00:10:11) did I do something wrong? Did I Did I (00:10:14) not exercise enough? Did I not eat the (00:10:16) right things? Did I not sleep enough? (00:10:18) Did I not? The list goes on and every (00:10:20) time it's no, no, no, no, no. Nothing (00:10:22) you did. But still, I can't help but (00:10:24) think, (00:10:27) um, I didn't do it right, quote unquote, (00:10:30) to have her come naturally. I actually (00:10:32) have a totally different point of view (00:10:34) about this. Okay. I (00:10:37) think now that she Mhm. is actually able (00:10:43) to survive without you, Mhm. She has a (00:10:46) soul and a spirit and a force of her (00:10:48) own. And she is coming when she's damn (00:10:50) ready. And she's going to come however (00:10:51) she's supposed to come. Yes. And it is (00:10:54) all divinely ordered. Mhm. And your (00:10:57) biggest breakthrough as a parent is (00:10:59) going to be to trust. Yes. To trust in (00:11:02) her, to trust in Jim, to trust in you to (00:11:05) figure it out. Mhm. Because if you focus (00:11:07) on getting it right, you will (00:11:10) actually put that anxiety on your child. (00:11:14) Because she will (00:11:16) sense when you feel like you've gotten (00:11:19) it wrong and then she's going to start (00:11:21) to feel like she's somehow responsible (00:11:23) for that. Right. Oh, good. Isn't it (00:11:25) interesting that you're sitting here (00:11:27) focused on I got to hit the the due date (00:11:31) and I got to go naturally and I got to (00:11:34) make sure that happens because this has (00:11:36) got to be like hitting the bullseye with (00:11:38) a dart. It's crazy. Yes, you're doing (00:11:40) that to yourself. Yeah, 100%. And and by (00:11:43) the way, the 40 weeks is a is a (00:11:45) guesstimate. (00:11:47) That does not mean Sawyer came two weeks (00:11:49) late. Oh my god. Seriously. And it (00:11:52) doesn't surprise me that of course she (00:11:54) did. We had to drag her out of me with a (00:11:56) vacuum and with forceps. She was comfy. (00:11:59) Yeah. She just was like, "I'm not (00:12:00) ready." No. I I've I've worked out the (00:12:02) details here. It was just like It was (00:12:04) honestly that was the (00:12:06) precursor to the experience of writing (00:12:08) the Let Them Theory book with her (00:12:10) because we were just like in tension all (00:12:13) the time. I wanted to go this way. I'm (00:12:15) not coming this way. And so trust your (00:12:17) daughter. Okay. Oh, (00:12:21) she chose you. (00:12:32) Sorry. What's that bring up for (00:12:37) you? (00:12:42) Um, (00:12:44) sorry. It brings up the path to get to (00:12:47) her because it was not an easy path. (00:12:50) Mhm. (00:12:53) Um, we lost two before her. And you're (00:12:57) right, there's a reason she made it and (00:12:59) she's here and she is a little soul (00:13:02) already and she's they keep reiterating (00:13:04) how healthy she is and how everything's (00:13:06) good in there and there's a reason it's (00:13:09) her. (00:13:11) Mhm. And I want to (00:13:14) validate that the feelings that you have (00:13:17) of fear because you've lost two (00:13:21) pregnancies very real and it's a sign (00:13:24) that you're mentally (00:13:26) well. Thank you Dr. Lisa Deore for (00:13:28) giving us that reframe. It's a sign that (00:13:31) you're mentally well after two (00:13:32) experiences like that to be nervous (00:13:34) about how this goes. Yes. Okay. (00:13:38) And you can hold space to be (00:13:42) nervous and at the same time trust in (00:13:46) your body and in your daughter and in (00:13:49) your doctors and in the fact that she is (00:13:52) 36 weeks old and she's going to be just (00:13:54) fine. Yeah, you can trust in that and (00:13:57) also be nervous. That's okay. That's how (00:14:00) you do this is you hold space for both. (00:14:03) And that's exactly what parenting is. M (00:14:07) parenting is holding space for your (00:14:09) experience in the experience of another (00:14:11) human being. Right? Parenting is being (00:14:15) able to hold space when your child is (00:14:18) upset and struggling and be able to (00:14:22) comfort them and also stand in the (00:14:25) belief that you have the ability as a (00:14:28) parent to be a guiding force and they (00:14:31) have their own unique experience and are (00:14:35) capable of learning from life with you (00:14:37) by their side. Mhm. And if you stay in (00:14:41) that lane, that parenting is about (00:14:44) holding space for you and this other (00:14:46) human being and trusting in the process (00:14:49) of growing and learning together and (00:14:52) understanding that your role is guiding (00:14:53) and supporting and trusting in their own (00:14:56) unique capacity to learn and to grow (00:14:59) into who they are, then there's nothing (00:15:02) to get right. (00:15:04) Yeah. Nothing. Yeah. (00:15:09) What does that mean to you? It It makes (00:15:11) me think about So, how do you remove (00:15:13) that (00:15:14) pressure right now that I'm totally (00:15:17) putting on myself? No one else is doing (00:15:19) this. Jim's not doing it. And I think I (00:15:22) I can already see like that pressure is (00:15:25) probably going to come back when she's (00:15:26) five, when she's 10, when she's 20. (00:15:28) Like, how do you remove the parenting (00:15:30) pressure? Well, I I just think it's like (00:15:32) something you deal with every single day (00:15:34) and you get to decide if you want to go (00:15:36) through life as a mom and put that much (00:15:39) pressure on yourself or like, you know, (00:15:41) the let them theory could actually be (00:15:42) very helpful cuz right now you can be (00:15:45) like, let her come when she's ready. (00:15:47) Yes. And let (00:15:49) me just honor how I feel and let me also (00:15:52) remind myself that I trust that (00:15:54) everything's going to be okay. (00:15:57) Yes. I love that. And so I feel like (00:16:00) that's a way to hold space for two (00:16:03) things to be true. And you know the (00:16:05) other thing is is that you are going to (00:16:07) screw things up. Yeah. There would be no (00:16:11) therapists if parents did not screw up (00:16:14) parenting. (00:16:16) So true. Yes. There wouldn't be. I mean, (00:16:19) you would have therapy for the kind of (00:16:22) pain and trauma that human beings (00:16:24) inflict on people in other settings. (00:16:27) Mhm. But I bet the vast majority of (00:16:31) therapists are actually working through (00:16:34) the [ __ ] that kids experience with (00:16:37) parents. And we all do it. Like I I I (00:16:40) screwed up majorly with my kids because (00:16:43) I was not in control of my own anxiety. (00:16:46) I was volatile with my stress and my (00:16:49) emotions. I was a shouter. I had a very (00:16:52) short fuse. I took work stress out on (00:16:54) them. And so it created in at least my (00:16:59) two daughters this sense of being on (00:17:00) edge because I was that mom that was (00:17:03) wildly fun and then wildly pissed off. (00:17:06) And so who are we going to get today, (00:17:08) right? And what do I need to do to make (00:17:10) sure my mom's okay? Because I want the (00:17:12) one that's happy and fun. I don't want (00:17:14) the one that's pissed off at the world, (00:17:16) right? And so I think that, you know, (00:17:19) you will screw things up and you have to (00:17:21) give yourself grace because as your (00:17:24) child grows, you're going to grow and (00:17:25) learn. That's how you do it. (00:17:29) That's awesome. Yeah. And you know, you (00:17:31) can also apologize to your kids. I (00:17:34) certainly have. I'm really sorry I was (00:17:36) not able to be, you know, a person that (00:17:39) had a more stable (00:17:41) emotional, you know, personality when I (00:17:44) was when you guys were younger. I'm (00:17:46) really sorry that, you know, dad and I (00:17:48) were fighting all the time when we were (00:17:50) struggling financially. I'm really sorry (00:17:52) that there were there were mornings (00:17:53) where my kids literally would be ready. (00:17:57) They'd get themselves ready for the (00:17:58) buses when we were really struggling (00:17:59) financially. I'm trying to think how the (00:18:01) kids were like 10 and eight and Sawyer (00:18:05) and Kendall would literally wake Chris (00:18:06) and I up. We were in these chairs, (00:18:08) Jesse, drunk. (00:18:10) We We had been drinking all night (00:18:12) because of all the financial press. I (00:18:15) can't even freaking talk right now. (00:18:17) stress and they'd like tap tap tap. (00:18:22) And the bus is coming. Wow. And I (00:18:24) screwed that up. And so it's okay to (00:18:27) apologize. Yeah. You're not supposed to (00:18:29) be perfect. You just do the best that (00:18:31) you can with the resources that you have (00:18:33) and the skill set that you have. And you (00:18:36) know, there's this concept that I (00:18:38) absolutely love. This comes from both (00:18:41) Dr. Nicole Pearlla and Dr. Russell (00:18:44) Kennedy. Mhm. (00:18:45) And there's this concept of a parental (00:18:48) mismatch, (00:18:50) which means there are going to be times (00:18:52) when you're (00:18:54) parenting, given what you're doing in (00:18:56) your life, given where Jim is, given the (00:18:58) age of your kids, where you and your (00:19:00) kids are a mismatch. M what your kids (00:19:03) need ideally in terms of the support (00:19:06) they need or the emotional reassurance (00:19:09) they need is not something based on your (00:19:11) skills or your life experience or what's (00:19:14) going on in your life that you're (00:19:16) actually able to give them. And in those (00:19:19) moments where there's a (00:19:21) mismatch, they need something and you're (00:19:24) giving them everything you have to give, (00:19:27) but it's not satiating what they need. (00:19:30) And I think this is where there's a lot (00:19:32) of like stuff that comes up when you get (00:19:36) older with your parents and there's a (00:19:38) lot of stuff online, you know, trauma (00:19:40) and this and that. Not to say terrible (00:19:42) stuff didn't go down. Mhm. But we're (00:19:44) very quick to talk about the impact and (00:19:48) injury to (00:19:49) us and not that compassionate with (00:19:53) understanding that you were likely (00:19:56) dealing with a human being in your (00:19:58) parents who was emotionally immature, (00:20:02) who had trauma of their own, who did not (00:20:04) get their needs met by their parents. (00:20:06) And so they show up to the world of (00:20:09) parenting having (00:20:11) skills, experiences, past (00:20:14) experiences, an emotional state, (00:20:16) financial (00:20:17) stress, issues that you're not aware of, (00:20:21) and they do the best they can with where (00:20:25) they're at. And there's this visual that (00:20:27) I talk about a lot. It's Pastor TD Jake (00:20:29) and I believe he's talking to Oprah (00:20:31) Winfrey talking about how if you're (00:20:33) dealing with a person that has a quarter (00:20:35) cup of capacity for support and love and (00:20:41) whatever, but you're a gallon person. (00:20:45) If your parent because of their past can (00:20:48) only give you a quarter cup, that's (00:20:50) never going to feel like they actually (00:20:52) saw you. No. But to your parent, they (00:20:55) gave you everything they had to give. (00:20:57) Right. And that's what I mean by the (00:20:58) mismatch. (00:21:00) So when I was extremely stressed out and (00:21:04) I was drinking too much and Chris and I (00:21:07) were fighting because of the financial (00:21:09) pressure, my kids needed me to be (00:21:11) present. I was not. My kids deserved and (00:21:15) needed a mom that when they got home (00:21:18) from school weren't walking up to the (00:21:21) front door going, "Uhoh, who's in (00:21:24) there?" Right. Right. Not that I was (00:21:26) beating them, but emotionally (00:21:29) they didn't know what was going to come. (00:21:31) I might be stressed. I might be (00:21:32) frustrated. I might be angry. I might be (00:21:34) yelling about the dad or this or that. I (00:21:36) might be sad. And so I was a complete (00:21:39) mismatch for what they actually needed. (00:21:40) Does that make sense? Yes. Even though I (00:21:42) was trying with every cell in my body to (00:21:47) do the best that I could. And so fast (00:21:50) forward a decade, I I apologize a lot (00:21:52) for that because they didn't deserve (00:21:53) that. And if I could go back in time, (00:21:56) you know, people always ask, "What (00:21:57) advice would you give your younger (00:21:58) self?" If I could go back in time, (00:22:00) actually, yes, I would help the younger (00:22:04) parent version of me with my own (00:22:08) emotional maturity and regulation so (00:22:11) that I could be a safe place to land for (00:22:15) my kids. (00:22:17) Yeah, that makes complete (00:22:19) sense. Complete sense. What surprised (00:22:23) you the most about motherhood? (00:22:29) Um, I think the thing that surprises me (00:22:33) the (00:22:34) most is how (00:22:37) much it is. You have to change (00:22:42) your (00:22:44) approach given the situation or if you (00:22:49) have several (00:22:51) kids, which kid you're dealing with. M (00:22:56) like my philosophy about parenting is (00:23:00) that your job is to be a guide. You're a (00:23:04) guide in helping her (00:23:08) become who she's supposed to be. Yes. (00:23:11) And so that's a very different role than (00:23:14) thinking I'm a parent. We're a family (00:23:16) that skis. You know, I'm a parent. We're (00:23:18) a family that plays lacrosse and so I'm (00:23:21) a parent. Everybody in our family is a (00:23:23) doctor. Mhm. Well, that's your vision. (00:23:26) That's not guiding somebody. That's (00:23:29) dictating who they are, right? Based on (00:23:31) your (00:23:32) expectations. If you embrace the role of (00:23:35) a parent to be, I am a guide that is (00:23:40) helping somebody figure out who they (00:23:43) are, which means I make it safe for them (00:23:46) to feel what they feel. Mhm. I am open (00:23:49) and generous and supportive with all the (00:23:52) things they want to try. If they want to (00:23:54) do music instead of sports, let them. (00:23:56) Right? If they end up falling in love (00:24:00) with somebody that you don't like, let (00:24:01) them. Like your job is not to dictate (00:24:04) who this person is. Your job is to (00:24:06) create an environment where it's safe (00:24:08) for them to discover who they are. (00:24:10) Literally, this comes from Dr. Steuart (00:24:12) Ablon, who I just love from Harvard (00:24:13) Medical School and uh Mass General (00:24:16) Brighgam, he calls it the with them (00:24:18) parenting approach where well, what do (00:24:21) you want to do about it? Yeah. How can I (00:24:23) support you? Even your six-year-old can (00:24:25) think about some of these things, you (00:24:27) know, how do you feel about that? (00:24:29) Because what you're doing when you start (00:24:30) to ask questions like that is you're (00:24:33) guiding your child and inviting them to (00:24:38) think through (00:24:39) situations because they're going to have (00:24:42) to learn as an adult to live with the (00:24:44) consequences of their decisions. Right? (00:24:46) So helping them think through situations (00:24:48) and being curious about what they might (00:24:50) think. That's a super important aspect (00:24:54) of this because when you know the whole (00:24:56) point Jesse is for your daughter to (00:24:59) actually get through high school and (00:25:00) leave right that's the point right (00:25:04) and if you do it well right they not (00:25:07) only leave and have the tools to create (00:25:10) a life but because you've been a guide (00:25:13) and not a dictator and because you have (00:25:18) also created a safe space (00:25:22) They're always going to come back, (00:25:24) right? They're always going to want to (00:25:26) see you, right? And that's the one thing (00:25:28) I'm so proud of with all three of our (00:25:30) kids is that I think the one thing that (00:25:34) Chris and I did really well is that we (00:25:36) tried to get our egos out of the way and (00:25:41) we tried our best to create an (00:25:45) environment where our kids could truly (00:25:47) become who they're meant to be. Love (00:25:49) that. Yes. (00:25:51) That's (00:25:52) beautiful. Which it you made me think (00:25:56) about um when I first started here, I'll (00:25:58) never forget this because I thought it (00:25:59) was such a such an incredible moment (00:26:02) that I got to kind of be a fly on the (00:26:04) wall, too. Um when Kendall was up here, (00:26:08) I think she she had run up asked you a (00:26:11) question about something and your (00:26:13) question to her was, "Do you want my (00:26:15) advice or do you want me to listen?" And (00:26:17) I remember being like, "Oh my god, (00:26:19) that's brilliant." I think I remember (00:26:21) this. Yeah. Because I This was before (00:26:23) the room looked like this and she came (00:26:24) tearing upstairs about something. Yeah. (00:26:26) Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. This is the (00:26:28) single most important question a parent (00:26:30) could ever ask a child. (00:26:32) Do you want my advice or do you just (00:26:35) want me to listen? And the reason why (00:26:37) this question is so important is because (00:26:41) for me personally, nine times out of 10, (00:26:43) if your kid comes to you with a problem (00:26:44) or they're upset about something or (00:26:46) they're just even talking about (00:26:47) something, I mean, we're older. we have (00:26:49) more life experience. So, of course, we (00:26:50) just jump right in to the conversation (00:26:53) and start solving and offering solutions (00:26:55) and blah blah blah blah blah. (00:26:58) And your kids don't want that. (00:27:02) What they want is they want you to (00:27:03) listen. And so that question, I can't (00:27:06) remember who I learned it from. Do you (00:27:07) want my advice or do you just want me to (00:27:09) listen? Stops you from stepping in and (00:27:14) dictating what your kid does. When you (00:27:17) say, "Do you want my advice or you just (00:27:19) want me to listen?" you're actually (00:27:22) letting them (00:27:24) have their own (00:27:25) experience, you're letting them share (00:27:28) their life with you. And then the second (00:27:32) part of that, when you let me be a (00:27:35) guide, not a (00:27:37) dictator. Do you want my advice or just (00:27:39) want me to listen? (00:27:42) Now I'm guiding the conversation and I'm (00:27:44) signaling that I actually believe in (00:27:49) your ability to know what you want and (00:27:54) to ask for what you want. And this (00:27:57) beautiful space opens up between the two (00:27:59) of you. And what I discovered with my (00:28:01) kids anyway is that 99% of the time they (00:28:03) do not want my (00:28:04) advice. They just want a safe place to (00:28:07) come and air it out. Right? (00:28:10) And that's (00:28:12) that. And you can use that in a (00:28:14) marriage. You can use it with (00:28:16) friendship. Anytime somebody comes to (00:28:17) you, but particularly kids, I want you (00:28:20) to say, "Do you want my advice or you (00:28:22) just want me to listen?" And you're (00:28:23) going to be surprised not only about how (00:28:25) often they just need you to listen, but (00:28:27) actually if you ask them, "Well, have (00:28:28) you thought what you might want to do (00:28:29) about it?" How smart they actually are. (00:28:33) One other thing that I really want to (00:28:35) say because this was a mistake that I (00:28:37) made when our kids got into middle (00:28:39) school. The single most important thing (00:28:42) that you have to (00:28:44) protect is your kids trust in you. And (00:28:48) the fastest way for you to guarantee (00:28:52) that your kids will never tell you (00:28:54) anything is if your kids come to you. Do (00:28:57) you want my advice or do you just want (00:28:58) to listen? Right? So, your kids come to (00:29:00) you and they start telling you about (00:29:02) things that are going on with their (00:29:04) friends or at (00:29:06) school, you are going to want to call (00:29:08) your friends, especially if they're the (00:29:10) parents of the other kids. You are going (00:29:13) to want to tell the other parents what's (00:29:14) going (00:29:15) on. And you have to be very careful (00:29:21) because if your child comes to you out (00:29:23) of trust and is just sharing what's (00:29:25) going on with their life, that's a (00:29:26) beautiful thing. It shows that they (00:29:28) trust you. If they said, "Don't tell (00:29:30) anybody," don't tell anybody. (00:29:33) And if you go to another parent or you (00:29:36) go to another friend and you then share (00:29:39) what they told you, if it's another (00:29:42) parent, that parent's going to tell (00:29:43) their child and then that child's going (00:29:45) to tell it back at school. And then your (00:29:47) kid is going to find out at school that (00:29:48) you broke their trust. Right? If you (00:29:51) say, "I won't tell your father." And (00:29:52) then you tell their father and then you (00:29:55) say to the father, "Don't tell them." (00:29:56) And then the father tells them, "You (00:29:58) just broke the trust." And so there's a (00:30:01) couple caveats to this. So if any of my (00:30:04) kids ever came to me and said, "Don't (00:30:05) tell dad." What I would say to them is, (00:30:07) "I understand why you may not want me (00:30:09) to, but dad and I are a team." And dad (00:30:12) loves you. And I'm asking your (00:30:15) permission to tell him because I'm (00:30:18) uncomfortable withholding information (00:30:20) from him. And I promise you, you're not (00:30:22) going to get in trouble. And I promise (00:30:23) you, we're going to work together on (00:30:24) this. And I promise you that he won't (00:30:26) tell anybody, but I need your permission (00:30:29) to tell him or you and I can go together (00:30:31) and you can tell him when I'm with you. (00:30:33) What would you like to do? (00:30:36) And it's so cool because there has never (00:30:40) been an instance where they haven't said (00:30:43) okay. They may have been scared of his (00:30:47) reaction, but what you're also cutting (00:30:50) off at the knees is that thing that kids (00:30:53) do so beautifully where they separate (00:30:55) the two of you and then they turn the (00:30:57) two of you against each other. And the (00:31:01) other caveat I would say if they go, (00:31:03) "Why don't you tell anybody?" Be like, (00:31:04) "Well, that's actually not one of the (00:31:06) options, honey. And I think you came to (00:31:07) me because you know that and you know (00:31:10) me." (00:31:11) And what that does is it keeps the trust (00:31:17) Mhm. between (00:31:19) you and your child because if you break (00:31:22) that trust, they're now going to take (00:31:24) every issue in their life to their (00:31:26) friends and they're never going to tell (00:31:27) you anything. Right. And it just (00:31:29) empowers them. Yes. And by the way, this (00:31:33) is true whether you have kids or (00:31:35) not. This is true of friendship. Mhm. (00:31:39) This is true of a partnership. This is (00:31:41) true about how your mom might complain (00:31:44) about your dad. Do you allow people to (00:31:48) share information and then do you (00:31:49) actually trust? Do you seek permission (00:31:51) to tell? Do you tell somebody I'm (00:31:53) uncomfortable knowing this without being (00:31:55) able to do something? (00:31:57) You have more power than you realize in (00:32:00) these situations. And if you really want (00:32:02) to prioritize trust with somebody, then (00:32:06) really take seriously those moments (00:32:08) where somebody shares something with (00:32:10) you. And if you do want to tell (00:32:12) somebody, ask permission and explain (00:32:14) why. And you know, if you got it wrong, (00:32:18) because I I got this wrong. How I (00:32:21) learned this lesson is I actually got it (00:32:23) wrong. I had one of my kids come to me (00:32:26) and tell me something that was going on (00:32:29) and then I casually shared it. It was (00:32:31) about drinking, you know, in like high (00:32:33) school. I casually shared it with one of (00:32:35) my closest friends because I just (00:32:37) assumed she knew about this party. Mhm. (00:32:40) Her daughter hadn't told her that's (00:32:42) where they were. So then the daughter (00:32:44) gets grounded and then blames my (00:32:47) daughter. Oh no. And then it becomes (00:32:49) this whole thing. And I did that to (00:32:52) myself. Mhm. (00:32:54) I did that to myself. And so I learned (00:32:57) this the hard way and it took me a (00:32:59) couple years to actually build up trust (00:33:03) again with my daughter because I was the (00:33:06) one who broke it. Yeah. And I think you (00:33:08) you feel like you're in a good trust (00:33:10) place now with all three. Oh my god, I (00:33:11) know too much. It's like too much. Can't (00:33:14) you talk to your gynecologist about (00:33:16) that? Like I (00:33:17) don't Oh. Um, what's one moment where (00:33:21) you completely quote messed up as a mom (00:33:24) and what did it teach you? (00:33:27) Oh my gosh. You know, I have so many (00:33:29) moments that I've messed up as a mom. (00:33:34) Um, oh, I know a good one. Oh, I know a (00:33:39) good one. Yes. All right, let's hear it. (00:33:42) Oh my gosh. Our son Oakley had the most (00:33:44) annoying anxiety in the world. Mh. And (00:33:47) he would get all worked up because (00:33:50) whenever we would go anywhere that was (00:33:52) new, there was like this range of time (00:33:54) where everything was collapsing in his (00:33:56) life. We didn't know he had dyslexia (00:33:58) yet. He was changing schools. Like all (00:34:00) this stuff was changing. His anxiety was (00:34:02) through the roof. And he became (00:34:04) extraordinarily anxious about (00:34:05) everything. And he had this incredible (00:34:08) fear of throwing up. Incredible fear. (00:34:10) And there were a number of moments (00:34:15) where oh my god like there are so many (00:34:17) moments. There were moments where we (00:34:20) spent all this money to take the kids to (00:34:21) go see this particular Broadway show (00:34:23) where uh Ben Platt was in it. It was the (00:34:27) I can't remember what it was and we're (00:34:28) up in the balcony and Oakley starts (00:34:30) having a freaking panic attack cuz he (00:34:31) thinks he's going to throw up and so we (00:34:33) have to leave in the middle of the show (00:34:35) and like go in front of everybody at the (00:34:37) end of the song, you know, or the finale (00:34:39) and it's your knees are up against the (00:34:41) thing and I'm so angry at him. This poor (00:34:45) little guy. Yeah. And I I I I couldn't (00:34:50) be kind. (00:34:52) And we were on an airplane once and he (00:34:54) starts freaking out and wiggling. I'm (00:34:55) going to throw up. I'm a throw up. And (00:34:57) I'm like, "You're not going to throw (00:34:58) up." And I'm like taking him to the (00:34:59) thing and I would get so (00:35:01) frustrated. And we get out and of course (00:35:06) he vomits all over the airport. Oh yeah. (00:35:09) Poor little I I'm an [ __ ] Because I (00:35:13) it became such a thing that instead of (00:35:16) meeting it with compassion, I felt so (00:35:18) illquipped with how to deal with it. I (00:35:20) met it with anger and frustration. And (00:35:22) nine times out of 10, it was it was (00:35:24) nothing. like it was nothing for me in (00:35:26) terms of he wasn't throwing up. It was (00:35:28) just this thing that became a trigger. (00:35:30) And we were talking about it the other (00:35:32) day (00:35:32) actually. (00:35:34) And as we were talking about it, I (00:35:36) started to cry and I was just like, I am (00:35:39) so sorry. (00:35:41) Like you didn't get the support you (00:35:44) deserved and that's on me. (00:35:48) like the second that you you felt scared (00:35:51) or upset or thought you were going to (00:35:52) throw like I wish I would have just put (00:35:54) my arms around you and comforted you. I (00:35:56) I you know I would meet I would in the (00:35:59) beginning and then he'd just get so (00:36:00) worked up and then I get frustrated with (00:36:02) and I'm just like apologized and (00:36:04) apologized and apologized. We were (00:36:06) sitting there the other night here (00:36:09) and that is something that I wish I (00:36:14) could go back and change because I think (00:36:17) I made his anxiety worse. (00:36:20) And I think it's normal to get (00:36:23) frustrated and and exacerbated with your (00:36:25) kids, especially when they have mental (00:36:27) health problems or they have a lot of (00:36:30) behavioral stuff or like you're just (00:36:32) going through situations where you just (00:36:34) can't catch a break. But I just feel so (00:36:38) bad at just how I just would just get I (00:36:41) must have been like a grizzly bear to (00:36:43) him. (00:36:45) Oh, but I love that you had that (00:36:47) conversation with him about it. He was (00:36:48) like, "It's okay, Mom." I'm like, "No, (00:36:50) it's actually not okay. I need you to (00:36:53) understand," and I started crying that I (00:36:55) really screwed up. Like, you deserve (00:36:57) somebody in your life that could (00:37:00) actually meet that moment and comfort (00:37:02) you. And I take responsibility for the (00:37:05) fact that this stuck around for several (00:37:06) years because I'd say half of the times (00:37:10) when this was happening, because it was (00:37:11) always like out in public, (00:37:14) I I just got so frustrated with you and (00:37:17) I'm so sorry. Yeah. Um, I would love to (00:37:19) kind of pivot. What's your advice for (00:37:21) balancing work and kids? And as a (00:37:25) businesswoman and mom of three and adult (00:37:27) kids, too, and you've obviously had a (00:37:30) heck of a career. How have you done that (00:37:32) with three little ones and three adult (00:37:34) ones? Gosh, there's so much to say on (00:37:36) this topic. I think that with guilt (00:37:39) first it's important and I didn't (00:37:40) understand (00:37:41) that to recognize (00:37:44) that if you need to work because you (00:37:47) need money to pay your (00:37:49) bills, you should not feel (00:37:51) guilty. You should feel proud of the (00:37:54) fact that you are doing what is (00:37:57) necessary to be able to financially take (00:38:00) care of this little person. Mhm. That is (00:38:04) not something to feel guilty about. That (00:38:06) is something to recognize and (00:38:08) acknowledge yourself because it's a (00:38:10) sense of responsibility that goes (00:38:11) straight to safety and the ability to (00:38:13) take care of somebody, right? And if (00:38:16) your kids are in daycare or they have a (00:38:18) babysitter because you're working so (00:38:20) that you can pay your (00:38:21) bills, that is not something to be (00:38:23) guilty about because you're taking (00:38:27) responsibility for what is necessary in (00:38:30) order to take care of somebody. Yes. And (00:38:33) so that is a really important thing to (00:38:36) understand. (00:38:37) Now if you feel guilty because you don't (00:38:41) want to be working, (00:38:44) you want to be home, that is a different (00:38:47) form of guilt. In my case, I started to (00:38:50) feel really guilty because as I was (00:38:53) making a living speaking and my kids (00:38:55) were older, I would be, you know, I (00:38:57) don't know, in Kansas City giving a (00:38:59) speech, I loved it, but I felt so guilty (00:39:02) because I was not at the field hockey (00:39:04) game, right, back in Boston, right? (00:39:06) You've got to ask yourself, is this (00:39:08) guilt just the [ __ ] that the world (00:39:10) has told me that as a woman I need to be (00:39:14) everywhere? Yes. Because a lot of guys (00:39:16) don't feel this way. No. No. Because (00:39:18) they get they get gas lit into believing (00:39:20) that their only value is in providing, (00:39:23) right? And so if you're feeling (00:39:27) guilty, ask yourself, is this just (00:39:30) society telling me that I'm supposed to (00:39:32) be somewhere or I'm supposed to be (00:39:34) everywhere? (00:39:35) Or is this a different kind of guilt? (00:39:39) Because there's two kinds of guilt. (00:39:41) There's the destructive guilt, and (00:39:43) that's the kind of guilt that society (00:39:44) puts on you. You're not doing mothering (00:39:46) right. You're not spending enough time (00:39:47) with your kids. You need to be (00:39:48) breastfeeding. You can't do this. You (00:39:49) can't do that. You got to do this thing. (00:39:51) That guilt is [ __ ] You shouldn't be (00:39:54) working. You should be out. [ __ ] (00:39:58) The second type of (00:40:00) guilt is productive. And that's the type (00:40:04) I'm talking about. Productive guilt is (00:40:06) actually tied to deep (00:40:09) values. And what that productive guilt (00:40:12) was telling me, Jesse, at that moment in (00:40:14) time, was (00:40:16) that I valued family. Yes. and I had (00:40:22) reached my goal of paying off our (00:40:25) bills (00:40:27) and we had enough money to live that (00:40:31) that guilt was saying you need to stop (00:40:35) taking so much work on and you need to (00:40:38) be home more because you're missing out (00:40:40) on something you value. Do you see how (00:40:41) that's very different? And you know I'll (00:40:43) give you the other end of the spectrum. (00:40:45) So when Sawyer was born and also when (00:40:49) Kendall was born and same with Oakley, (00:40:52) we couldn't afford our house unless we (00:40:54) were both working and we didn't have (00:40:56) family nearby, right? And so the math (00:41:00) equation was such that at the time this (00:41:04) would have been two 1999 and 2000 and (00:41:08) kind of 200, you know, seven, we both (00:41:11) needed to be working. If we just wanted (00:41:13) to keep our house, then we both needed (00:41:16) to work and we needed to tighten the (00:41:19) belt a little bit so we could also pay (00:41:20) for daycare, right? And I didn't (00:41:23) actually feel guilty about working or (00:41:26) having my kids in daycare because I knew (00:41:29) that the reason why I was working, it (00:41:32) was tied to a core value of wanting to (00:41:34) provide. Do you see how that you see (00:41:35) what I mean? It's putting a roof over (00:41:37) everyone's head. Yes. And so if it's (00:41:39) tied to a value, (00:41:41) then you're not going to feel guilty. (00:41:43) And the final thing that I'm going to (00:41:45) say about work and life and I I don't (00:41:49) ever use the word balancing it all (00:41:51) because you have a very full life. It's (00:41:53) not about balancing it all. Right. It's (00:41:55) more like a Lego kit. There's all (00:41:56) different squares everywhere. How do I (00:41:59) create (00:42:00) boundaries so that I can fit in the (00:42:03) things that matter? (00:42:06) And boundaries can look like (00:42:09) I work during the day. I go home at 5, I (00:42:15) don't or I go home at three, I don't (00:42:16) look at my phone, right? And I don't (00:42:19) look at my laptop. But as soon as the (00:42:21) baby goes down for the night, I actually (00:42:25) finish up my day for an hour. Do you see (00:42:27) what I mean? Like you can have (00:42:28) boundaries. And what I would recommend (00:42:30) is try not to be from the beginning to (00:42:34) the extent that you can figure out how (00:42:36) to have boundaries where I'm going to be (00:42:38) present with her here and then I'm going (00:42:41) to work for this period of time. It's (00:42:43) going to be a whole blend for the first (00:42:45) six months or so until you get into a (00:42:46) rhythm. But thinking about it that way, (00:42:48) like if I'm going to be present for (00:42:50) work, I want to be present for work. If (00:42:52) I'm going to be present with her, I'm (00:42:53) going to be present for her. And kind of (00:42:55) thinking about those boundaries are (00:42:56) really important. I love that. Yes. And (00:42:59) I think it's confirmation too that women (00:43:01) can climb the ladder while still having (00:43:04) babies and and nothing has to change. (00:43:06) No, nothing has to change. And one of (00:43:08) the most beautiful things that you can (00:43:09) give to a child is showing them a mom (00:43:13) who has ambition. Yes. Cuz you know, you (00:43:16) weren't put on this planet, Jesse, to be (00:43:18) a mother or a wife. You were put on this (00:43:22) planet to be you. and being a mom and (00:43:24) being a wife and you know being a studio (00:43:29) manager and a video editor and all this (00:43:30) stuff. Those are all pieces of who you (00:43:33) are. Mhm. And losing who you are to your (00:43:36) kids is not necessarily a service to (00:43:38) them because who's going to teach them (00:43:41) what it looks like to build a full life? (00:43:42) It's you and that's exactly what you're (00:43:44) going to do, right? Listener question is (00:43:46) from Kelly Mel. How do I find time for (00:43:49) myself? My mornings are pure chaos. My (00:43:51) son's schedule is unpredictable and I'm (00:43:53) constantly scrambling to get us out the (00:43:54) door. Some days I'm so overwhelmed I cry (00:43:57) on my way to work. I try to work out (00:43:59) twice a week, but I want to do more and (00:44:00) I can't figure out how. Any advice to (00:44:03) help me move forward? Yes. (00:44:05) Um, the thing that changed my life with (00:44:08) little kids, I don't know how old her (00:44:09) kid is, is it's critical that after you (00:44:13) put them to bed and you do your nightly (00:44:16) routine with your kid, and if you don't (00:44:19) have one, like, look at when your ch kid (00:44:21) is going to bed, okay? Because they (00:44:23) should probably be in bed by 8:00. No, (00:44:25) I'm serious. Like, there there's this (00:44:27) huge trend of keeping kids awake at (00:44:29) night. I don't understand this. Like, do (00:44:30) you know that? No, your kids desperately (00:44:33) need sleep for their development and so (00:44:36) do you. And so developing a really (00:44:38) steady night routine that is a certain (00:44:42) time we go upstairs, we run the bath, we (00:44:43) put on the jammies, we put like the (00:44:45) whole thing that just gets them in the (00:44:47) routine. 8:00 you're in bed. Now you (00:44:50) have an hour where you can kind of clean (00:44:53) things up. And the most important thing (00:44:56) is get everything ready for tomorrow (00:44:59) morning. (00:45:01) Pack the lunches, pack the backpack, (00:45:04) organize your stuff for work because the (00:45:08) things that you do at (00:45:09) night create time and peace in the (00:45:12) morning. Mhm. So, absolutely everything (00:45:15) that you can do the night before from (00:45:18) packing the lunch to packing the (00:45:20) backpacks to packing your work stuff to (00:45:22) gathering it all to even picking out the (00:45:24) coat and the boots, put it all by the (00:45:25) door so you don't have to scramble for (00:45:27) anything. You do that at night and you (00:45:30) probably just gained 30 minutes of calm (00:45:33) in the morning because once you're under (00:45:36) the gun in the morning and your stress (00:45:39) level goes up. Isn't it interesting how (00:45:41) you can never find anything ever, right? (00:45:44) So doing it at night is a lifesaver. (00:45:47) Okay, so that's one thing. In the (00:45:50) morning, you need to get up a half an (00:45:52) hour earlier than you do. M and the (00:45:56) reason why I say that is because if you (00:45:57) start to develop a very consistent (00:45:59) bedtime, so I'm sorry, we're just a (00:46:01) family. You go to sleep, you don't have (00:46:02) your devices, you know, like you're in (00:46:03) bed because mom needs to be in bed by (00:46:06) 9:30, right? Right? You see how this (00:46:09) works? (00:46:10) And if you're in bed by 9:30, that means (00:46:14) you can get a good night's sleep and (00:46:17) wake up a half an hour before your child (00:46:19) typically gets up and that's when you (00:46:22) exercise. M that's when you have your (00:46:24) time for yourself. That's when you set (00:46:26) up your day (00:46:28) so that you are feeling okay before the (00:46:31) chaos. Because once when you're a (00:46:33) parent, the second the children are (00:46:35) awake, your day is no longer yours. (00:46:38) The only chance you have, I am not going (00:46:40) to lie to you. The second your child (00:46:42) wakes up, the day is no longer yours. (00:46:44) Mhm. At some point in getting your child (00:46:47) out the door, you're going to look at (00:46:48) your phone, which mean your brain is no (00:46:50) longer yours because now you're thinking (00:46:51) about work or you're thinking about (00:46:52) social media, you're thinking about the (00:46:54) news, you are not going to get your (00:46:56) brain or your time back for the rest of (00:46:58) the day. It's gone. It's already over. (00:47:00) And so thinking about protecting those (00:47:03) early morning hours for you and thinking (00:47:06) about how you use the evening and your (00:47:07) own windown to pack up everything and (00:47:10) get yourself ready, that changes (00:47:12) everything. If a mom is listening right (00:47:14) now drowning in guilt and perfectionism, (00:47:16) what is the first thing you would tell (00:47:18) her? Take a deep breath. (00:47:22) Put your hand on your (00:47:24) heart. In fact, just breathe in with (00:47:30) me and just say, "I'm doing the best (00:47:33) that I can with the resources I have at (00:47:37) this moment in my life. I'm going to get (00:47:40) through this. I'm going to learn from (00:47:41) this. I'm a good mom and I am going to (00:47:44) continue to grow with my (00:47:47) kids. This moment is not going to last (00:47:50) forever and I'm going to learn something (00:47:52) from it and I just got to give myself (00:47:55) some grace. Like sometimes just if all (00:47:59) you have to give is 60% and you give (00:48:02) 60%. You gave the 100% you had to give. (00:48:05) Mhm. (00:48:07) And recognizing there are going to be (00:48:09) times in your life where you only have (00:48:12) 60% to give. And if you can figure out (00:48:15) how to give all that and give yourself a (00:48:18) little grace, like you deserve the (00:48:20) acknowledgement that you gave what you (00:48:22) had to give. (00:48:26) Beautiful. And Mel, what is your advice (00:48:28) for the people listening who have adult (00:48:29) children right now? (00:48:32) um that you did a great job. Like stop (00:48:36) beating yourself up. There are things (00:48:37) that we all in the rearview mirror like (00:48:39) feel like we could have done better. And (00:48:41) it is never too late to apologize for (00:48:44) the mistakes that you've made or the (00:48:46) things that you see from where you are (00:48:49) now about how you've grown that you (00:48:50) would have done differently. And I find (00:48:52) that every time I have one of those (00:48:54) conversations with my kids, first of (00:48:55) all, they're very forgiving, but (00:48:58) they so appreciate (00:49:03) the fact that I'm willing to say I (00:49:05) screwed that up and you deserved better (00:49:08) and it's like this like (00:49:11) for both of us. And so acknowledging the (00:49:15) things that you wish you could change is (00:49:18) a beautiful way to almost like clear the (00:49:23) slate and create something new. And (00:49:26) that's the other thing. I think it's (00:49:27) never too late to improve, change, grow (00:49:32) closer to somebody. So, if you've grown (00:49:34) distant from your kids or you've grown (00:49:36) distant from your parents or the (00:49:38) resentment has built up or you feel like (00:49:40) you can always, always, always, I think, (00:49:44) find ways to reconnect. And the let them (00:49:46) theory has actually been wildly helpful (00:49:48) for me uh (00:49:50) in learning at this point in my life how (00:49:55) to love people as they are and stop (00:49:57) trying to change them. Because when (00:50:00) you look at your kids and you want to (00:50:02) change them, you want them to be more (00:50:04) motivated, you want them to get better (00:50:05) grades, you wish you weren't dating that (00:50:07) person, you you know, wanting more for (00:50:10) somebody is a beautiful thing, but when (00:50:11) you really think that's what should (00:50:14) happen, you're not loving them. You're (00:50:16) judging them. And our kids know that. (00:50:19) And the same is true with your parents. (00:50:22) That for me, the single biggest thing (00:50:25) that's helped my relationships is the (00:50:28) let them theory. I kid you not, because (00:50:30) it forced me to have to learn how to (00:50:31) stop controlling and changing and (00:50:33) wishing people were different and (00:50:36) actually do the work to see people as (00:50:38) they are and learn how to love and (00:50:40) accept them as they are. And that (00:50:43) doesn't come by changing other people. (00:50:45) It comes from changing yourself and the (00:50:47) judgments that you have about other (00:50:49) people. Mhm. And then you go to the let (00:50:51) me part, which is okay, if I'm going to (00:50:55) let this person be who they are, and I'm (00:50:57) going to stop trying to change them, and (00:50:59) I'm going to learn to accept them (00:51:02) exactly as they are right (00:51:05) now. Let me figure out how I want to (00:51:09) show up in this (00:51:11) dynamic. And if you want more (00:51:13) connection, it's not on them, it's on (00:51:15) you. (00:51:16) And you may have somebody that is not (00:51:19) reaching back out. If they're not, it (00:51:23) tells me that there's probably something (00:51:25) that's built up, some friction, some (00:51:28) something (00:51:29) that is just in the way. And see, I (00:51:33) think everything through acknowledging (00:51:35) mistakes made, through learning to (00:51:39) accept people instead of judging people, (00:51:42) and really determining for yourself what (00:51:45) kind of relationship do I want? And if (00:51:47) I'm willing to to really invest the time (00:51:50) and energy in showing up differently, (00:51:52) then that's where I have the power to (00:51:54) change the dynamic here. I I really do (00:51:57) believe that with time, with grace, with (00:52:00) compassion, with acceptance, that that (00:52:03) you can move closer to people that you (00:52:05) feel distance from, and you can (00:52:08) apologize for and you can forgive (00:52:11) yourself and you can make amends and you (00:52:13) can do better even when you've made a (00:52:15) lot of mistakes in the past. M like it (00:52:17) is the the time that you put into your (00:52:20) relationship with your kids or your (00:52:23) parents or your siblings or it your (00:52:27) friends like it just pays dividends. All (00:52:31) the research is very clear and this (00:52:32) comes from Dr. Robert Waldinger who is (00:52:35) the fourth director of the Harvard study (00:52:38) for adult development which has been (00:52:40) going on for like 86 (00:52:41) years. You want to be happy and healthy (00:52:44) in your life. You want to have a (00:52:45) meaningful life. It's just all about (00:52:46) relationships. (00:52:48) And whether as you're listening, you're (00:52:50) thinking about your own experience as a (00:52:52) parent or you're thinking about your (00:52:54) parents or you're like Jesse about to be (00:52:57) a parent or you are contemplating (00:53:00) whether or not you would ever want kids (00:53:02) or not. Like everything we're talking (00:53:04) about is the (00:53:07) basics of relationships with any human (00:53:10) being. Yeah. It's just that when you're (00:53:12) a parent, you are responsible for (00:53:17) parenting, which is keeping them safe (00:53:20) and giving them shelter and food and (00:53:24) teaching them the characters and values (00:53:27) that you want to instill and then (00:53:29) getting out of the way and guiding them (00:53:31) in (00:53:32) supporting them in becoming who they're (00:53:34) meant to be. And they're not meant to be (00:53:35) a mini you. Not at all. (00:53:38) They are a blend and their own unique, (00:53:43) amazing, fabulous miracle. Why would you (00:53:46) want to shove a miracle into a little (00:53:49) box? Why wouldn't you want to expand (00:53:54) what's possible? And the only way that (00:53:56) you do that is to a get out of the way (00:54:00) and stop dictating what they do, but (00:54:02) guiding what they do. And B, trust that (00:54:06) they are actually something miraculous (00:54:09) and they are capable of figuring out who (00:54:11) they are and they need your guidance. (00:54:14) They don't need to be told what to do or (00:54:16) dictated to. They need guidance and (00:54:19) support in becoming who they're meant to (00:54:24) become. That's beautiful. I really want (00:54:28) to thank you for this conversation and (00:54:30) and helping to ground my nerves too and (00:54:34) my mind and my body. All of it was just (00:54:37) giving me a confidence that motherhood (00:54:40) can be done, can be tackled and Well, (00:54:43) you got no choice at this point cuz it's (00:54:44) happening. She's coming really soon. (00:54:48) Yes, she is. But thank you for that (00:54:50) because I think it's just a conversation (00:54:52) that all women can have on some regard. (00:54:56) I hope so. I really appreciate you (00:54:58) answering those questions. Well, I (00:55:00) appreciate you, Jesse. Good luck. I (00:55:01) can't wait to meet her. Be so exciting. (00:55:04) So exciting. And I also just wanted to (00:55:07) say thank you. Thank you for listening (00:55:09) to this. Thank you for sharing this with (00:55:11) your parents, with the people that you (00:55:12) care about, with friends your age. Like, (00:55:16) it's so exciting what's possible. I (00:55:18) mean, I have screwed up so much in my (00:55:20) life that I love knowing that even the (00:55:23) screw-ups and the mistakes that I've (00:55:24) made that you can learn from them. You (00:55:26) can apologize for them. And that's a (00:55:29) beautiful thing. And in case nobody else (00:55:31) tells you this, I want to tell you that (00:55:32) I love you. And let me unpack what love (00:55:34) is because I think this is very (00:55:35) important. Love is not just reserved for (00:55:38) families or for your kids or your (00:55:40) parents. Love is very simple. It's just (00:55:43) when you admire something in someone and (00:55:46) when you have them in mind. (00:55:47) consideration. And I admire the fact (00:55:49) that you make the time to listen to (00:55:52) something that could help you create a (00:55:54) better life. I think that's so cool. And (00:55:56) in terms of consideration, I know you (00:55:58) don't have a lot of time and you still (00:56:01) hit play and you still spend your most (00:56:03) precious resource together with me. And (00:56:06) so I always have you in mind when I am (00:56:10) talking to you, when we're thinking (00:56:11) about the topics. And so that's why I (00:56:13) say I love you. I admire you and I have (00:56:15) you in mind. And that's that. And (00:56:18) there's no doubt that you've got the (00:56:19) tools and the inspiration to create a (00:56:21) better life. So, I cannot wait to hear (00:56:23) what you think about this episode. And I (00:56:25) can't wait to welcome you back into the (00:56:28) very next one. The moment you hit play, (00:56:30) I'll be waiting for you. And I'll see (00:56:32) you there. Were you waiting for the (00:56:34) update on Jesse? I get it. I could not (00:56:36) wait to hear how everything went. (00:56:38) Spoiler alert, it all went really well. (00:56:41) Here's Jesse with an update taped live (00:56:44) from her new baby's nursery. Hi Mel, (00:56:47) it's Jesse. I am coming to you 5 weeks (00:56:51) postpartum here. I'm sitting in our (00:56:54) little girl's nursery, which is wild to (00:56:57) say considering I feel like we just had (00:56:58) that conversation in your studio about (00:57:01) motherhood. I sure enough did not make (00:57:03) it to 40 weeks. made it to 37 and had a (00:57:08) incredible perfect uh labor and (00:57:11) delivery. I I couldn't have asked for a (00:57:13) better experience with that. We did get (00:57:16) induced because of the high blood (00:57:17) pressure and again little girl was (00:57:20) healthy. She was born 8 days after we (00:57:22) recorded that. And I just wish I could (00:57:24) go back and hug myself and tell her that (00:57:27) she's about to have here come the (00:57:29) postpartum emotions. (00:57:31) um the most perfect labor and delivery (00:57:35) and the most incredible um hospital team (00:57:38) there with us as well. Mel, you (00:57:40) mentioned to trust your daughter. She (00:57:42) chose you and as I mentioned, it was not (00:57:44) an easy path to get to her. There was a (00:57:47) reason that it was her (00:57:50) and it took me a while to realize this (00:57:53) reason. But um the week she was born was (00:57:57) the one-year anniversary of our first (00:58:00) miscarriage. And sure enough, a year and (00:58:04) a day after that, we went and got (00:58:07) induced for this little girl. So a (00:58:09) complete full circle moment that is so (00:58:11) much bigger than me. It was always (00:58:14) supposed to be her. It was always (00:58:15) supposed to be this time. It was always (00:58:17) supposed to be um 3 weeks early to to (00:58:21) kind of put a bow on that path that we (00:58:24) went through to get to her. So, it (00:58:27) always gives me goosebumps when I think (00:58:28) about that. I am so grateful for that (00:58:31) conversation and it is eye opening to (00:58:34) see how much strength I have gained in (00:58:37) these last 5 weeks going into this new (00:58:40) role as a mom and not knowing what I'm (00:58:43) doing. I'm running off of two hours of (00:58:45) sleep and changing a million dirty (00:58:48) diapers and getting all the the newborn (00:58:50) snuggles (00:58:52) and I'm doing it and it's just the most (00:58:56) incredible role that (00:58:58) I I don't want to ever be afraid of. If (00:59:01) I'm not afraid, I can give her my best (00:59:03) self and be a guide to her. (00:59:07) And gosh, motherhood is just the best. (00:59:10) It's the best thing ever. and I didn't (00:59:12) know it till I got here. And I'm so (00:59:14) grateful I got here. So, on that note, (00:59:18) I'm going to go wipe up these tears (00:59:20) again. And shout out to all of the moms (00:59:23) out (00:59:24) there and the women who have gone (00:59:26) through this and have raised little (00:59:28) humans. And kudos to all of you women (00:59:32) out there. I will see you very soon when (00:59:35) I bring this little one around to the (00:59:37) office and get to introduce her as the (00:59:39) first little company baby. Thanks, Mel. (00:59:42) And for you sitting here watching with (00:59:44) me on YouTube, I just want to say please (00:59:47) share this with somebody. Don't just sit (00:59:49) and watch. Please do something. And take (00:59:52) a minute and subscribe to this channel (00:59:54) because it's really a way that you can (00:59:56) support me in bringing you new videos (00:59:58) every single day. And I'm sure you're (01:00:01) looking for something really inspiring (01:00:04) to watch to really move you. So, I want (01:00:06) you to check out this video next.