A Parent’s Biggest Mistake If You Want to Raise a Mentally Strong Child (from a Psychiatrist) (YouTube Video Transcript)

(00:00:00) Your YouTube transcript will appear here (00:00:02) Every day you are [music] making your (00:00:04) brain better or you are making it worse. (00:00:07) Stay with us to learn how you can change (00:00:10) your brain for the better every day. (00:00:14) Many parents love their kids so much (00:00:17) that they never want them to suffer and (00:00:21) end up doing way too much for them (00:00:24) thinking that is love. But it is not. If (00:00:27) you do too much for them, they'll never (00:00:30) develop a sense of competence and will (00:00:34) always struggle with their self-esteem. (00:00:37) Let kids make mistakes, learn from them, (00:00:41) and pay the consequences for their (00:00:43) actions, especially when they are young (00:00:47) and the price is cheap. When our (00:00:50) daughter Khloe was seven, homework was a (00:00:52) struggle every night. Her mother sat (00:00:55) with her for hours and encouraged her to (00:00:58) get it done. Then Tana took the (00:01:02) Parenting with Love and Logic course, (00:01:04) the same one you'll find in the program (00:01:06) materials, and within weeks, she was (00:01:10) completely out of the homework battles. (00:01:12) As she took the course, Tana realized (00:01:15) she was enabling Khloe to fight with her (00:01:19) by not making her responsible for her (00:01:23) own homework. Yes, even at age seven. (00:01:27) When parents take responsibility, they (00:01:30) subtly send the message that kids are (00:01:34) not capable. Here's how this core (00:01:36) conversation went. One night, Tana told (00:01:40) Khloe she would never ask her to do her (00:01:42) homework again. She had completed second (00:01:45) grade, and it was Khloe's work to do. If (00:01:49) she was okay with the consequences of (00:01:52) not doing her homework, such as the (00:01:54) teacher being disappointed in her or not (00:01:56) going out to recess, that was her (00:01:59) choice. or she really didn't do her (00:02:01) homework. Then she would make new (00:02:04) friends when she repeated second grade. (00:02:08) Furious, Chloe said, "I never said I (00:02:11) wouldn't do my homework. I'm just not (00:02:13) going to do it now." And she stormed (00:02:15) off. 20 minutes later, she came back (00:02:19) downstairs, did her homework by herself, (00:02:22) and Tana never had to ask her to do it (00:02:25) again. In the same way, if Khloe forgot (00:02:29) her lunch or her homework or didn't (00:02:32) bring a sweater with her on a cold day, (00:02:35) Tana would not bring them to her. It was (00:02:38) on Khloe to be responsible. Khloe only (00:02:42) forgot those things once or twice and (00:02:44) she paid the price for it. These are (00:02:47) called affordable consequences. It is (00:02:50) better to let kids make mistakes when (00:02:54) the consequences are minor so they learn (00:02:58) responsibility. (00:03:00) It might seem harsh, but it is actually (00:03:03) very kind. Teaching people to be (00:03:06) responsible for their lives gives them (00:03:09) one of the greatest gifts anyone can (00:03:12) receive. a sense of personal agency or (00:03:16) feeling competent and in control of (00:03:19) their own destiny. Khloe held all of the (00:03:23) responsibility and healthy anxiety about (00:03:26) her schoolwork and ended up graduating (00:03:29) from high school with straight A's and (00:03:31) is now about to graduate from college. (00:03:34) She is one of the most capable people I (00:03:37) know. Raising mentally strong kids (00:03:40) requires you to first allow your kids to (00:03:44) solve their own problems. You can be a (00:03:47) good coach and offer suggestions if (00:03:50) they're open to it, but only after (00:03:53) they've tackled the issue. Love and (00:03:56) Logic has a four-step process to helping (00:03:59) kids solve their own problems. One, (00:04:03) provide a strong dose of empathy. Say (00:04:06) something like, "This has got to be so (00:04:09) hard." Two, hand the problem back to (00:04:13) them in a loving way. What do you think (00:04:16) you're going to do? Then stop as (00:04:20) inactive listening and wait for them to (00:04:24) respond. Three, if they say they don't (00:04:27) know, ask if they'd like to hear what (00:04:30) other kids have done. If they say yes, (00:04:33) share two or three options. And then (00:04:36) four, allow kids to solve the problem as (00:04:40) they see fit within appropriate (00:04:44) boundaries. Say something like, "I can't (00:04:47) wait to hear what you decide. I believe (00:04:50) in you." When they bring you a problem, (00:04:54) such as, "I'm bored," or, "I'm broke," (00:04:58) ask them how they're going to solve it. (00:05:01) then be quiet long enough for them to (00:05:05) really think about it and problem solve (00:05:08) on their own. Self-esteem (00:05:11) comes from self-efficacy.