How Do I Avoid Raising A People Pleaser (YouTube Video Transcript)

(00:00:00) Your YouTube transcript will appear here (00:00:00) I was standing there and I walked by and (00:00:02) they said, "Do you know Dr. Becky?" I'm (00:00:03) like, "Yeah, I know Dr. Becky." Kind of (00:00:06) always afraid that I'm raising him to be (00:00:08) a people pleaser. It is not your job to (00:00:10) always make that friend happy. (00:00:12) >> A lot of like shrieking on planes, (00:00:14) throwing toys. Too many times as (00:00:17) parents, we [music] think that means we (00:00:18) did the wrong thing and it starts to (00:00:20) erupt into an explosive scream fest. (00:00:25) >> Do you like high fives? (00:00:26) >> Yeah. (00:00:27) >> Oh, (00:00:27) >> high five. (00:00:28) >> Boom. You're good at waiting and high (00:00:30) fives. Amazing. Two high fives. Love it. (00:00:32) >> Evan has a very mellow and kind and (00:00:34) loving relationship. Kind of always (00:00:36) afraid that I'm raising him to be a (00:00:38) people pleaser (00:00:39) >> cuz he always come to me, mama, can I do (00:00:40) this? Can I do that? And if someone (00:00:42) correct him, he'll be like get really (00:00:44) scared. (00:00:44) >> Yeah. (00:00:45) >> And how do I not fall into that trap? (00:00:48) >> You know how some kids they really need (00:00:50) a parent's [music] help sharing? (00:00:52) >> You might say to some kids, "Look, I'm (00:00:55) going to help you wait." other kids like (00:00:57) your [music] son, once in a while they (00:00:59) do need to hear, "Sweetie, I'm going to (00:01:01) help you keep that. It's okay if that (00:01:03) friend is upset. It is not your job to (00:01:06) always make that friend happy." And (00:01:08) he'll probably say, "It's fine. I don't (00:01:10) care." But some kids almost need to (00:01:12) hear, "Actually, I'm going to help you (00:01:15) keep the blue cup. You like blue, too, (00:01:17) and your brother [music] can have red (00:01:19) today." And then your his brother might (00:01:20) be upset, but then for you to say, (00:01:22) "That's okay. I'll help him with his (00:01:26) upset feelings. It's not your job to (00:01:29) make him happy. So often in families, I (00:01:32) hear, "I have an easy kid and I have a (00:01:34) difficult kid. I have a kid who is so (00:01:35) generous and so nice and then a kid who (00:01:37) is so selfish and so inflexible." But (00:01:40) here's something really interesting to (00:01:41) think about. Too often, especially when (00:01:44) we [music] have two kids, we give our (00:01:46) kids roles. Like I said, easy, (00:01:49) difficult, flexible, [music] selfish. (00:01:51) And then, ironically, we intervene in a (00:01:52) way that makes a kid even more rigid in (00:01:55) their role. When actually what we want (00:01:57) [music] is for probably both kids to (00:01:58) come a little closer to the center. A (00:02:00) kid who's always flexible misses out on (00:02:03) learning that they can actually take a (00:02:04) stand and have things they want. They (00:02:06) need that later in life or else they'll (00:02:07) feel kind of empty and anxious and (00:02:10) peopleleasing all the time. Let's try (00:02:11) something completely different the next (00:02:13) time. The kid who is often more (00:02:14) flexible. It's fine. My brother can have (00:02:17) the last piece of chocolate. It's fine. (00:02:19) My sister can have that chair. I'll (00:02:21) move. I want you to say this to that (00:02:23) child. You know what, sweetie? I'm going (00:02:26) to help you keep that piece of chocolate (00:02:29) for yourself. I love that you can be so (00:02:31) flexible. And it's important for you to (00:02:34) learn to have your own voice and have (00:02:37) things for yourself and tolerate that (00:02:39) other people might be upset. I'm going (00:02:42) to help you do that. And it's my job, (00:02:44) not your job, to help your sibling with (00:02:46) their feelings. The good inside bit we (00:02:49) subscribe to. Like it's been so helpful (00:02:52) as a framework for how to think about (00:02:54) parenting our kids inside of their tough (00:02:55) moments. (00:02:57) >> But practically speaking, when it is (00:03:00) bedtime, (00:03:01) >> and my 3 and 1/ halfyear-old is wigging (00:03:04) out because his pull-up feels weird and (00:03:06) his jammies feel weird and it starts to (00:03:08) erupt into an explosive scream fest. (00:03:12) >> Yep. in the moment. I don't know how to (00:03:15) apply some of the absolute foundational (00:03:19) principles that we subscribe to in (00:03:21) helping him move through that moment to (00:03:22) bedtime. If a kid is being really quote (00:03:25) difficult in the moment of bedtime, it (00:03:27) usually isn't just about that moment. (00:03:29) It's actually about what bedtime (00:03:30) represents. So, taking off your diaper (00:03:32) at 3 and 1/2 at night could be a (00:03:34) brilliant way of a 3 and 1/ (00:03:35) half-year-old thinking, I don't want to (00:03:36) separate from my parent right now. You (00:03:38) know what I can do? I can rip off my (00:03:40) diaper. Now, why doesn't a 3 and 1 (00:03:41) half-year-old want to separate at night? (00:03:43) Because they're scared. Because they (00:03:44) don't want to be without you. Because (00:03:45) bedtime makes them nervous. So, in a (00:03:48) way, if we focus a little less on the (00:03:49) diaper, because in a way, that's not the (00:03:52) problem. It's a problem, but it's (00:03:54) actually a symptom of the problem, which (00:03:56) is maybe something about separating at (00:03:58) night feels hard. Okay. Thank you. All (00:04:00) right. Super helpful. Sleep issues (00:04:02) aren't really sleep issues. Sleep issues (00:04:05) with kids are separation issues. And (00:04:07) think about it. We tend to think a lot (00:04:09) about what to do when our kid goes to (00:04:11) kindergarten. Let's have a separation (00:04:13) routine. I know my kids's going to be (00:04:15) nervous. Let me get myself ready for (00:04:16) that. I have to see their nervousness is (00:04:19) real, but also kind of be strong for (00:04:21) them and let them know they're going to (00:04:22) be okay. But at kindergarten, they (00:04:25) separate from us for only a few hours in (00:04:28) the light with other adults who are (00:04:30) teachers and other kids and toys. Think (00:04:32) about that. They're separating from us. (00:04:35) They're often alone with nobody in the (00:04:38) dark. That's actually a scarier (00:04:40) separation. And as soon as you realize, (00:04:43) hold on a second, my kid's sleep (00:04:45) struggles or separation struggles, (00:04:47) things begin to change because we no (00:04:50) longer think our kid is doing something (00:04:52) to us. It's not like, "Oh, my kid is (00:04:54) giving me a hard time at night. My kid's (00:04:56) having a hard time at night. They're (00:04:58) having trouble separating from me." And (00:05:00) we know this in adulthood, too. When the (00:05:03) lights go out and you're lying in bed, (00:05:04) all your scary thoughts come up. All the (00:05:07) things you worry about come up. The same (00:05:09) is true for kids. So, we're entering the (00:05:12) twos. She'll be two in January. And (00:05:14) we're entering a phase of a lot of no (00:05:16) and a lot of resistance, but she's very (00:05:18) sweet about it. We tell her like, "Don't (00:05:19) do that." And she's like, "I love you." (00:05:22) So, I can't tell. Is this a right age to (00:05:24) start disciplining and, you know, (00:05:25) teaching her or is it still too young to (00:05:27) understand the concept of discipline (00:05:29) when she's doing something wrong? (00:05:31) >> Yeah. So, give me an example of (00:05:32) something that might happen that makes (00:05:33) you think like, "Oh, no, girl. I don't (00:05:35) think so." (00:05:36) >> Oh, yeah. A lot of like shrieking on (00:05:38) planes, throwing toys, um, taking from (00:05:41) other kids. (00:05:42) >> Instead of discipline, I would actually (00:05:44) just think it's almost like a formula. (00:05:46) Can I validate the feeling and set (00:05:49) limits around certain behaviors, which (00:05:52) would sound like this? You really wanted (00:05:55) her toy. And I'd probably say, "That was (00:05:59) her toy for now, sweetie. I'm gonna take (00:06:01) it out of your hand and [music] give it (00:06:03) back. Or I might say, "Can you give it (00:06:05) back?" And if not, I would take it back. (00:06:08) And then, just to be clear, when you do (00:06:10) that, your kid does not say, "Thank you. (00:06:12) That was a good intervention." No. What (00:06:14) is she going to do? You tell me. (00:06:15) >> Probably cry, scream, (00:06:17) >> and then too many times as parents, we (00:06:19) think that means we did the wrong thing. (00:06:21) [music] (00:06:21) >> No, that is actually just a sign that we (00:06:24) set a boundary. When you start it now, (00:06:27) you have the habits already there. and (00:06:30) there are fewer issues later on. (00:06:31) >> Thank you, Dr. Becky. [music] (00:06:40) [music] (00:06:46) >> [music]