An Honest Take On Parenting Today (With Dr. Becky Kennedy) (YouTube Video Transcript)

(00:00:00) Your YouTube transcript will appear here (00:00:00) [Music] (00:00:05) Here's what I'm hearing from dads. Okay. (00:00:08) They're just opting out. We interpret (00:00:11) struggle as our fault. Yes. What's the (00:00:14) antidote to that? I mean, I think (00:00:15) there's a bunch of antidotes for that. I (00:00:17) had an experience when my show took off. (00:00:21) There was a big dirty secret that I (00:00:23) carried which (00:00:24) [Music] (00:00:28) was What's up? What's up? This is John (00:00:31) with the Dr. John Deloney (00:00:33) Show and this is the (00:00:36) episode that I've gotten the most (00:00:38) requests for from the people of the (00:00:41) internet. That's you. The folks who (00:00:43) listen to our show, the folks who are (00:00:45) always checking us out on YouTube or on (00:00:47) on the social screens or what, wherever (00:00:50) people happen to consume this show, this (00:00:52) is the episode people have been asking (00:00:54) me for. I recently flew to New York City (00:00:57) and sat down with my new friend, Dr. (00:00:59) Becky Kennedy of Good Inside, what many (00:01:03) believe is she's she's the parenting (00:01:06) expert on the planet right now. And she (00:01:09) has an incredible vibrant community. and (00:01:11) we sat down to talk parenting, how to be (00:01:15) married with kids, everything. She is (00:01:18) one of the leading voices with parenting (00:01:20) today. I'm so excited. We had a great (00:01:22) time hanging out and I can't wait for (00:01:24) you to hear my conversation with the (00:01:26) great and powerful Dr. Becky Kennedy. (00:01:30) Check it (00:01:30) out. Well, dude, thanks for inviting me (00:01:33) into your studio. This is awesome. I'm (00:01:35) so happy to be talking New York. This is (00:01:37) the coolest, man. Yeah. Okay. So, I (00:01:39) would have when I started doing this, I (00:01:41) never would have thought that on the (00:01:44) Instagrams on the on the internets that (00:01:46) more people would (00:01:49) send me back and forth your stuff. And (00:01:51) so, as I got into it early, I thought I (00:01:54) was the smartest guy in the room (00:01:56) cuz And you have changed my parenting (00:01:59) and my approach to being married (00:02:01) probably more than anybody else. You and (00:02:02) Estrell probably the two people who have (00:02:04) impacted me the most. So, thank you for (00:02:06) for doing that, for showing me like um (00:02:09) it's it's kind of like uh flying on an (00:02:11) airplane and then you think I could (00:02:14) probably drive this, right? When it (00:02:15) comes to like how to be a good partner, (00:02:17) how to how to have kids, all that stuff. (00:02:18) So, I'm imagining we'll get through one (00:02:21) or two of these questions that I have. (00:02:22) I've got tons of these things. Um and as (00:02:25) I'll tell my audience, like this is a (00:02:27) thinly veiled I need your help. That's (00:02:29) what we're asking here. So, I want to (00:02:31) start here. (00:02:33) What I've seen over the last I've been (00:02:34) working with young people for a long (00:02:36) time for a couple decades and what I've (00:02:37) seen increase over the last probably 10 (00:02:39) years but especially in the last five is (00:02:42) that kids feel like seem to be holding (00:02:45) the emotional space of the household (00:02:47) like the whole house rests on kids (00:02:50) whether they're teenagers whether (00:02:51) they're college kids or even newborns (00:02:53) like the whole mom parents are looking (00:02:55) at their kids to say are we (00:02:58) okay in my guts that doesn't feel right (00:03:01) that feels too much so that a kid can't (00:03:02) carry that. Am I out to lunch here? I do (00:03:05) not think you're out to lunch here. And (00:03:07) you know, yeah. So, yeah, I have a (00:03:10) little more to say. You're definitely (00:03:11) not out to lunch. So, we'll start there. (00:03:12) It's always a good starting point. I (00:03:14) mean, I think what you're also pointing (00:03:17) to is something's happened in terms of (00:03:19) like an overcorrection where I don't (00:03:23) know when we were being raised or even (00:03:25) generations before it was like parents (00:03:27) in charge. I don't really care about how (00:03:28) you're feeling. Go to your room, you (00:03:30) know, pull up your bootstraps. let's (00:03:32) move on. And then I think there has been (00:03:35) this overcorrection to how are my kids (00:03:38) feeling? And I am not only so (00:03:40) hyperattentive to how they're feeling, (00:03:42) but now we've gone from not caring about (00:03:46) kids feelings to my kids feelings have (00:03:49) the power to dictate what I do as a (00:03:54) parent. And I actually think, you know, (00:03:55) I love a pilot metaphor. I have so many. (00:03:57) We'll see how many I can get in today. (00:03:59) But if you think about one version of a (00:04:01) pilot, the whole passenger cabin is (00:04:03) upset. There's turbulence. You're like, (00:04:05) "Oh my god, turbulence." And let's say (00:04:07) version one of a pilot was like (00:04:08) generations ago as a parent who'd say, (00:04:10) "Everyone be quiet. You're making a big (00:04:13) deal out of nothing. Zip it." Okay. And (00:04:16) you know, it's not really what I want to (00:04:18) hear as a passenger. I'm kind of like, (00:04:19) "Does the pilot even realize it's (00:04:20) turbulent?" Or, "I'd probably get more (00:04:22) activated." But pilot 2 to me is the (00:04:25) overcorrection, which is, "Oh my god, (00:04:27) two minutes and wa, everyone has to be (00:04:29) calm. In fact, I'm not even calm when (00:04:32) you're not calm, and maybe someone could (00:04:33) come into the cockpit and tell me how to (00:04:35) do this." And you're like, "Oh my (00:04:37) goodness, like I'm not even scared of (00:04:38) the turbulence anymore. I'm really (00:04:40) scared that this person is my pilot." (00:04:42) Like literally, my feelings have gone (00:04:45) from not important to contagious in a (00:04:47) way that is equally as kind of scary to (00:04:51) me. And I think at Good Inside, what we (00:04:53) stand for and then what we try to make (00:04:55) very practical is kind of thinking about (00:04:58) parenting as that pilot. You want you (00:05:00) want a pilot who's going to validate (00:05:02) your experience. Hey, I hear there's a (00:05:04) lot of screaming. We get it. There's (00:05:07) turbulence. And even a pilot who says, (00:05:09) "You guys want to keep screaming back (00:05:10) there? Do your thing." Because what I (00:05:12) know, and this is the boundary point, is (00:05:15) I've kind of flown planes a long time. I (00:05:18) know I'm going to get us to the ground (00:05:20) safely. So, it makes sense you're upset. (00:05:22) I know what I'm doing and I will see you (00:05:25) on the ground. And I know if I'm the (00:05:27) pastor, I'm like, okay, they told me my (00:05:29) experience is real, but they also (00:05:32) weren't taken over by my experience. (00:05:34) There's validation, but then there's (00:05:37) also this boundary and differentiation. (00:05:39) My pilot didn't become my anxiety. And I (00:05:43) think what you're saying is we have to (00:05:45) we kind of have to come back a little (00:05:46) bit toward toward the middle. You've got (00:05:48) a you've gave me a word I've probably (00:05:51) quoted you a hundred times the word (00:05:53) sturdy and that's the best word like (00:05:56) it's not rigid it's not soft it is like (00:05:58) a tree it'll it'll sway but that (00:06:00) sucker's rooted into the ground if I (00:06:03) back all the way out working with (00:06:08) parents I I almost am struggling with (00:06:11) asking a parent to be sturdy because I (00:06:13) don't feel like adults are sturdy right (00:06:14) now I know they feel like they're all (00:06:16) over the place and almost needing a kid (00:06:18) to be anchored, right? Am I Am I crazy? (00:06:21) No, I think this is what we're saying is (00:06:23) you don't want a pilot who looks to the (00:06:26) passengers to know if they are safe on a (00:06:30) plane. So, where do you tell a couple (00:06:31) who's struggling like like in a (00:06:33) marriage? I mean I I think sturdiness (00:06:36) and what you're saying it is this (00:06:38) ability let's just define it kind of to (00:06:40) me being sturdy is your ability at once (00:06:44) to know what's going on for you to know (00:06:46) your values to know your limits to be (00:06:48) connected to yourself while at the same (00:06:51) time you're kind of just still porous (00:06:54) enough that I can connect to you I can (00:06:57) know what's going on for you I can see (00:06:59) that as real as important but I can (00:07:01) balance that with what is going on for (00:07:04) me. I'm not taken over by it, but I'm (00:07:05) also not so threatened by it that I have (00:07:08) to push it away. And I think what you're (00:07:10) saying is how can we be sturdy for our (00:07:13) kids if often we don't feel sturdy (00:07:17) ourselves or sturdy in the partnership (00:07:20) we're in given that's a foundation for (00:07:23) our family. And I think this is actually (00:07:25) the right question and it is why I feel (00:07:27) so passionate about the work that is (00:07:29) good inside because I think we approach (00:07:32) the whole system at once. That's it. (00:07:35) That's what it is. How can I understand (00:07:37) how to validate my kids experience and (00:07:41) understand that yeah, it wouldn't be a (00:07:43) big deal in my life, but it is a big (00:07:45) deal to not be invited to a birthday (00:07:46) party. How can I see that as real for my (00:07:49) four-year-old but not add on my own (00:07:51) anxiety of oh my goodness my (00:07:52) four-year-old's never gonna have friends (00:07:53) I'm gonna call that mother and say you (00:07:55) should have invited my kid here right (00:07:57) exactly right and so I think what it (00:08:00) starts with is developing a different (00:08:02) type of relationship with ourselves if (00:08:04) I'm someone who grew up in a kind of (00:08:07) stop crying or I'll give you something (00:08:09) to cry about household right we don't do (00:08:11) this in our family you're soft whatever (00:08:13) it is then it makes sense when I see my (00:08:15) kid upset I get very triggered. I yell (00:08:18) or I shut them down because at some (00:08:20) point it was adaptive to shut my own (00:08:24) emotions down during my earliest years. (00:08:27) And so I think sturdiness as an example, (00:08:30) if that's a parent I'm talking to, I'd (00:08:32) say look, I know you want to show up in (00:08:33) a different way to your kid. That's (00:08:34) amazing. And let's have an order of (00:08:37) operations in which that makes sense. I (00:08:39) can't give out what I don't have inside (00:08:41) me. It just the math doesn't work. So, I (00:08:44) might even say, "Tell me about something (00:08:45) hard in your day." It's going to be (00:08:47) really hard if you grew up thinking (00:08:48) emotions were soft. And actually, the (00:08:50) starting point before I talk to my kids (00:08:52) differently is even just to be able to (00:08:54) say to myself, I hit traffic today. That (00:08:57) wasn't the biggest deal in the world. (00:08:59) But I'm also allowed to take a moment to (00:09:01) say, "That was annoying. My morning (00:09:03) didn't start out the way I wanted it (00:09:06) to." Right? That is not what I imagined. (00:09:09) That's not what I would have wanted. our (00:09:11) ability to even just take a moment and (00:09:12) say that to ourselves, that's going to (00:09:14) make us better able to not be so thrown (00:09:17) off by my kids emotion because I'm (00:09:19) building up the skill inside. I I had an (00:09:24) experience when my show took off. There (00:09:27) was a big dirty secret that I carried, (00:09:29) which was I'm out here traveling the (00:09:32) country talking to folks, but my (00:09:34) daughter, she was five or six, wouldn't (00:09:36) hug her dad. And I couldn't figure it (00:09:38) out. And at first it was like I would (00:09:41) I'm I'm a big guy. I could pick her up (00:09:43) and she would go rigid and and it was (00:09:45) kind of a funny game but also it wasn't (00:09:47) funny. And it wasn't until my wife said (00:09:50) is there any chance that her body's (00:09:52) identified you as not safe? And I (00:09:54) remember thinking I said out loud like I (00:09:57) don't yell. I don't hit any like she (00:09:59) goes no no no you're a great dad but we (00:10:01) all can feel the nuclear reactor here (00:10:04) right? And I got frustrated. And I went (00:10:07) and sat with a therapist and I was (00:10:09) like, and nine months later, I remember (00:10:13) a and it was going through some hard (00:10:16) stuff, right? And I remember the (00:10:19) speaking the words out loud. We were all (00:10:21) wrestling and I said the words, (00:10:22) "Josephine, get off me." And I remember (00:10:26) I was like, "No way." Right? And now (00:10:29) three or four years later, I'm a human (00:10:30) jungle Jim. She can't get off. But I (00:10:32) realized the angst and the turmoil in my (00:10:35) house was, "You keep doing this." It's (00:10:37) funny cuz just maybe a month ago, I was (00:10:39) sitting in front of that same therapist (00:10:40) and I said, "I just need what I know to (00:10:43) be true to be here." Yeah. And she's (00:10:46) like, "That's a long journey." And but (00:10:48) what you're saying rings true with me, (00:10:50) which is my kids can't not be anxious if (00:10:54) I'm electric all the time or if me and (00:10:58) my partner aren't doing good. They (00:11:00) can't. They don't have anything to (00:11:01) anchor into. Yeah. And so, but I walk (00:11:03) around blaming them for the tension in (00:11:05) the house. And all they're doing is (00:11:07) absorbing and and putting back into what (00:11:09) I'm putting in there. (00:11:11) I feel like we have a culture that's (00:11:13) that that loops and loops on this idea (00:11:15) of being happy, happy, happy, happy. And (00:11:18) then which depending on where you what (00:11:21) you Google, it's always spits out some (00:11:23) kind of curve, right? The U-shaped (00:11:25) happiness curve of your life. But (00:11:27) there's this idea that having kids takes (00:11:29) happiness from you and now for the first (00:11:31) time in history people are just opting (00:11:33) out completely. (00:11:36) How do you balance and you do the best (00:11:38) at this of telling the truth and also (00:11:40) telling the truth. How do you navigate (00:11:43) looking at somebody saying you can we're (00:11:44) in a in a in a world in a little silver (00:11:46) of history you can choose whatever you (00:11:47) want and having kids isn't the funnest (00:11:50) thing or the happiest thing all the (00:11:52) time. But also on the back end, the (00:11:54) research says the depth of joy is pretty (00:11:56) profound. Yeah. And there's there's (00:11:59) there's something worth it's kind of (00:12:00) like doing a workout, right? There's (00:12:02) something worth going in there and being (00:12:03) uncomfortable for an hour so that 30 (00:12:06) years from now I can roll around with my (00:12:07) grandkids, right? How do you walk (00:12:10) through that season with somebody (00:12:11) talking your happiness shouldn't (00:12:14) dictate, right? It shouldn't dictate (00:12:17) every minute of your day and there's (00:12:19) some things to sacrifice for. Yeah. (00:12:21) Yeah, I mean I think you're asking so (00:12:22) many so many questions here like in all (00:12:24) the right ones. So number one is what is (00:12:29) the difference between kind of shortterm (00:12:31) convenience and gosh that's the right (00:12:34) word convenience. It's convenience. I (00:12:36) think that's what I I actually feel like (00:12:39) humanity. (00:12:41) Humans we like convenience. It's hard to (00:12:44) fight it. It's dopamine. It's ease. It's (00:12:46) the thing that short term our body's (00:12:47) like yes please more of that. And so (00:12:50) there have always been these moments I (00:12:53) think in history where you know society (00:12:56) we have more convenience in our life. (00:12:58) Obviously the car is one the plane the (00:13:00) internet something has happened I think (00:13:02) in the last number of years where I (00:13:05) think we will always choose convenience (00:13:07) over what is long-term good for us. It's (00:13:09) hard. But I think we're seeing even in (00:13:11) whether people are deciding to have (00:13:13) children or not, even how we interact (00:13:15) with our kids, that we are prioritizing (00:13:18) convenience in a way I think that we (00:13:21) never have before to the degree it makes (00:13:23) us kind of worried at times like ooh (00:13:25) what what is it going to be like in 20 (00:13:28) 30 years, right? Obviously the world, (00:13:29) right? We we have a lot of inconvenient (00:13:32) moments and I think that is something (00:13:34) around parenthood that we just have to (00:13:37) talk more about. Having young kids is (00:13:39) massively inconvenient. I think that's (00:13:42) like the best definition. Like I go to (00:13:44) the grocery store, I'm just trying to (00:13:45) get milk and some orange juice. My kid (00:13:47) has a meltdown and I'm like now I have (00:13:49) to leave and now I have to put those (00:13:50) things back and I can't even pay for (00:13:52) them because the line is too long and (00:13:54) now I have to get back there. That is (00:13:57) hugely inconvenient and we don't say (00:13:59) that enough. It's not rainbows and (00:14:00) butterflies when you have your (00:14:01) three-year-old freaking out and your (00:14:03) six-month-old on your chest, right? And (00:14:06) I actually think the more we can help (00:14:08) people anticipate these inconvenient (00:14:10) moments, know that those moments aren't (00:14:13) a sign that something's wrong with you (00:14:15) or wrong with your kid. It doesn't mean (00:14:16) you're doing something so bad. And when (00:14:19) we can help a generation of adults build (00:14:22) more coping skills for the inconvenient (00:14:24) grocery store meltdown, for the (00:14:26) inconvenient no, you do it for me puzzle (00:14:29) moment with your kid, for the (00:14:31) inconvenient moment of I thought I was (00:14:33) going to have 10 minutes alone with my (00:14:34) kid after work before they go to bed and (00:14:36) instead they're protesting and they're (00:14:38) having a hard time. All of those moments (00:14:40) are a gap between our perceived (00:14:42) unconscious expectation and reality. And (00:14:45) I think speaking more honestly about (00:14:48) parenting doesn't make parenting less (00:14:50) desirable. It actually makes parents a (00:14:52) lot more competent and a lot more (00:14:54) equipped for all of the ups and downs (00:14:56) that are just inherent in the journey. (00:14:58) Well, that's what I love about what you (00:15:00) guys do here at Good Inside is it's the (00:15:03) same way when I talk to um a husband or (00:15:06) a dad who grew up getting beat up, (00:15:09) getting thrown around and finding (00:15:11) himself not wanting to repeat that, but (00:15:13) there's no other plan, right? And if I (00:15:15) can take away if I can demoralize it and (00:15:18) I can take away this this like you have (00:15:20) character issues and say, "Dude, you (00:15:21) lack some skills, man. You've never (00:15:23) practiced this before." That's exactly (00:15:24) it. But you give parents permission to (00:15:26) say, "You've never (00:15:29) had a meltdown with a three-year-old." I (00:15:31) remember getting two kids out of car (00:15:33) seats and thinking, "I would rather set (00:15:35) myself on fire. Like, I can just it will (00:15:37) take me 30 seconds to go in that store (00:15:39) and get what I need." And yet, it's the (00:15:41) in and the out. Um, but you distill it (00:15:44) down to a set of skills people don't (00:15:46) have. And when it's a skill, then I can (00:15:47) practice it. It's a free throw. I can (00:15:49) practice that. If it's a shamefilled (00:15:52) failure, I'm not going to practice. I'm (00:15:53) just going to try to bulldo through it (00:15:54) or I'm going to try to go around it. (00:15:55) Right. Ignore it. That's right. I mean, (00:15:57) I think I really think parenting is the (00:15:58) last frontier where we glorify instinct (00:16:01) alone. Instincts alone. It is especially (00:16:05) insane because again, you want to go to (00:16:08) the doctor who has the best medical (00:16:10) school. They wear that with a badge of (00:16:12) pride. And I don't know one investor (00:16:14) anymore who'd invest in a CEO founder (00:16:17) who said, "I'm never going to need (00:16:18) executive coaching. I do it by (00:16:20) instinct." You're like, "I'm glad we (00:16:22) established that this meeting is over. (00:16:24) Thank you for saving me my time." And (00:16:25) yet with parenting, there's this idea (00:16:27) and it's put out in society, especially (00:16:29) with moms, but anyone maternal instinct, (00:16:32) I should be able to figure this out on (00:16:34) my own. It shouldn't be this hard. I (00:16:36) mean, you are one human raising a (00:16:40) totally different human. There is (00:16:42) nothing harder than that. And I think I (00:16:46) I love a good metaphor to really drive (00:16:47) this home. And so to me, most parents I (00:16:50) know would say there might be some (00:16:52) things with my kids I want to do (00:16:54) similarly to how my parents did it with (00:16:56) me, but there's definitely a lot I want (00:16:58) to do differently. Some people say, "I (00:17:00) want to do almost all of it (00:17:01) differently." But if we think about (00:17:03) that, I don't like those people. Yeah. (00:17:05) And if you think about parenting as a (00:17:07) language, it's like saying, "I was (00:17:09) raised in English and I want to speak to (00:17:11) my kids in Mandarin." No amount of (00:17:13) wanting to learn Mandarin is going to (00:17:16) help you learn Mandarin if you're not (00:17:18) learning and practicing Mandarin. Like (00:17:20) if I said to my friend, I just feel like (00:17:22) now that I'm a mom, Mandarin is going to (00:17:24) come naturally. I should be able to (00:17:25) figure it out on my own. They'd be like, (00:17:26) yeah, that's just not how Mandarin (00:17:28) works. Like you can learn it, but you (00:17:30) will have to learn the skills and (00:17:32) practice. And then in your worst (00:17:33) moments, Becky, you are going to end up (00:17:35) yelling in English. Like that's just (00:17:37) what's going to happen. And I really do (00:17:39) think good inside is like a language for (00:17:42) parents where the only thing that comes (00:17:44) naturally in parenting is how you were (00:17:46) parented. And so if you want to do (00:17:49) things differently, I do think loving (00:17:50) our kids, a lot of these moments, those (00:17:52) that deep love can come naturally. But (00:17:55) yeah, handing a grocery store meltdown, (00:17:57) knowing what to do when your kids ask (00:17:59) you hard questions, but how does the (00:18:01) baby get in the belly and you're like, (00:18:03) "Okay, okay, you're really asking me. (00:18:05) Okay, okay." Or lying to your face or (00:18:07) being woken up at 2 a.m. for the ninth (00:18:09) night in a row. I I think you're right. (00:18:11) Like, that's not character. That's not (00:18:13) love. That's skills. And the best news (00:18:15) about skills is you're not behind. (00:18:16) That's right. Anyone can learn it at any (00:18:19) time. (00:18:20) What do you Well, here's I tell me if (00:18:23) I'm crazy. I get so I'll get a call and (00:18:27) it will be a dad or it will be a wife (00:18:30) and they will say or dad or mom and (00:18:33) they'll say (00:18:35) um our sex life has fallen apart and (00:18:39) we've been married 10 years and then we (00:18:40) talk and we talk and we talk and we talk (00:18:42) and then they'll say oh we have a (00:18:45) 5-year-old, a three-year-old and a (00:18:46) one-year-old and I'm pretty sure like my (00:18:50) partner's pregnant and I'll often just (00:18:52) stop and say hey call me back in 5 (00:18:53) years. Yeah, like there's there's going (00:18:55) to be there's going to be survival sex. (00:18:58) There's going to be just gaps. You're (00:19:00) going to have to learn how to (00:19:01) communicate in other ways. You're going (00:19:02) to like we don't have a picture. That's (00:19:05) right. None of us talked. What about (00:19:07) what this supposed to feel like? And (00:19:08) that I'm allowed to (00:19:11) miss somebody or miss the old days. And (00:19:13) we're creating new new days. Yes. But (00:19:15) there's no skill. And how do we sit down (00:19:17) and talk about right now? We have this (00:19:19) chaotic world. What's what's intimacy (00:19:21) look like in this new world? What does (00:19:23) laughter look like in this new world? (00:19:24) What does getting away look like in this (00:19:25) new (00:19:26) world? Am I bananas? I I think that what (00:19:30) you're saying, and I I said this (00:19:32) recently to a live audience that who (00:19:34) seemed to really resonate, is we have a (00:19:36) better understanding of how kids learn (00:19:39) how to swim than we do about anything (00:19:42) about child development. Because if you (00:19:44) think about I don't know if you did swim (00:19:45) lessons, I did swim lessons for my kids. (00:19:47) You spend a lot of time and a lot of (00:19:49) money and it just takes a long time, (00:19:51) right? Where imagine if you didn't (00:19:52) understand the swim process, the first (00:19:54) second lesson, you know what you'd say? (00:19:57) This isn't working. This isn't working. (00:19:59) I'm just going to pull my kid out of (00:20:00) swim or this is a bad teacher or some my (00:20:03) kid's never going to learn how to swim. (00:20:04) We know that when your kid puts their (00:20:06) face in the water and blows bubbles, by (00:20:08) the way, you're still years from (00:20:10) swimming. But we're like, yay, right? (00:20:12) Because you know to expect it, right? (00:20:15) Whereas, what is it like to be partnered (00:20:17) up and raising young kids? What's going (00:20:19) to change in my partnership? What is the (00:20:21) energy shift going to look like? What is (00:20:23) it like when my kid starts to hit to (00:20:25) know what are the skills they need to (00:20:27) learn to stop hitting, but how long will (00:20:30) it take between learning skills, (00:20:32) practicing skills, and seeing it show up (00:20:35) in the game? I was I was talking to the (00:20:36) Duke women's basketball coach, and it (00:20:38) was interesting. And she's like, "You (00:20:39) watch tape all the time and you look at (00:20:41) players reads and some players in (00:20:42) certain moments they have tough reads, (00:20:44) so we have to change it." And you (00:20:45) practice and you practice and you (00:20:47) practice and then in the game it doesn't (00:20:48) show up and you practice and you (00:20:50) practice and then one day later than you (00:20:52) want you're like, "There it is. There it (00:20:54) is." But all of this actually has so (00:20:57) much to do with expectation because how (00:21:00) we all end up feeling in any moment (00:21:03) isn't just a feeling. It's often the (00:21:06) feeling and how surprised we are by the (00:21:10) feeling. And I always think if we can (00:21:12) remove the surprise, feelings are still (00:21:15) hard, but they're a lot less explosive. (00:21:18) So if I know a couple examples, I have a (00:21:21) 5-year-old, a three-year-old, a (00:21:22) one-year-old, and I'm sitting being (00:21:23) like, I don't have sex with my partner (00:21:25) anymore. If I can say to myself after, I (00:21:28) knew this stage was coming. And by the (00:21:30) way, still permission to feel sad, to (00:21:32) feel lost. How else can we feel close? (00:21:35) But but the way it's going to feel, the (00:21:37) level out of 10 is going to be totally (00:21:40) different. If I understand why kids lie, (00:21:43) my reaction to lying to my face is not (00:21:46) going to be like, "Let's throw my kid a (00:21:48) party." I'm not going to throw my kid a (00:21:50) party for lying at me. But if I (00:21:52) understand developmentally what's (00:21:54) happening, my reaction's totally (00:21:57) different. And so I think this is really (00:22:00) a call in parenting. We need education. (00:22:03) Like we need school to some degree. Not (00:22:06) in the ways of like homework and being (00:22:08) yelled at by teachers, right? But the (00:22:10) best part, education is power. (00:22:13) [Music] (00:22:14) This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. (00:22:16) While the world seems like it's falling (00:22:19) apart, we're all under huge pressure to (00:22:22) perform and look like we're all keeping (00:22:24) it together. And we all know that (00:22:26) support is good, but we're not allowed (00:22:28) to ask for it. Women are often told that (00:22:31) they have to be everything to everyone (00:22:33) all of the time. And somehow they have (00:22:35) to just intuitively know how to do it (00:22:37) all. And men are often told they are the (00:22:39) reason for every bad thing in the world (00:22:42) and that asking for help means they are (00:22:44) weak or less than. Here's a statistic (00:22:46) that will blow your mind. 76% of people (00:22:49) globally agree that mental health care (00:22:52) can help resolve personal problems. Yet (00:22:54) six out of 10 people still believe that (00:22:57) society discourages people from asking (00:22:59) for help. Good folks, real strength (00:23:01) comes from opening up about what you're (00:23:04) carrying and doing something about it so (00:23:06) that you can be your best self for you (00:23:09) and for everyone else in your life. If (00:23:11) you're feeling the weight of the world, (00:23:13) talk to somebody, anyone, a friend, a (00:23:16) loved one, or yes, a therapist. I talk (00:23:19) with a therapist weekly, and you might (00:23:21) consider doing it, too. If you're (00:23:22) thinking about trying therapy, contact (00:23:24) my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is (00:23:26) 100% online therapy, so it's affordable (00:23:29) and convenient for your schedule. To get (00:23:31) started, just fill out a short online (00:23:33) survey to get matched with a licensed (00:23:35) therapist. And if it's not the right (00:23:36) fit, you can switch therapists at any (00:23:39) time, easily, for no extra cost. Talk it (00:23:41) out with BetterHelp. Visit (00:23:44) betterhelp.com/deloney to get 10% off (00:23:46) your first month. That's betterhelp (00:23:52) hp.com/deloney. I want to talk about (00:23:54) cozy earth and this heat. Listen, I grew (00:23:58) up in Texas, so I know about heat. And (00:24:00) the summers in Tennessee are no joke (00:24:03) either. I'm already starting to double (00:24:05) up my cold tub sessions because it's (00:24:07) hot, hot, hot. But the real game (00:24:10) changers have been my Cozy Earth sheets (00:24:14) and the joggers. The sheets are made (00:24:16) from visos from bamboo. 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So, (00:24:56) if you're ready to beat the heat and (00:24:58) look good doing it, go to (00:25:01) cozyearth.com/deloney and use code (00:25:03) deloney to get 40% off. That's (00:25:07) cozyearth.com/delone with code deloney. (00:25:10) And listen, stay cool, my friends. (00:25:14) I want to talk about loneliness and (00:25:15) parenting. Yeah. Um, I've got to go back (00:25:18) and find the study, but I remember (00:25:20) sitting there like stunned by it that (00:25:22) there was an old I think it was Native (00:25:25) American proverb, but it may have been (00:25:27) from somewhere else (00:25:29) that no woman should be left alone with (00:25:32) a crying baby was just kind of a (00:25:33) cultural ethos. That That's madness. (00:25:36) Yeah. And I got to thinking about the (00:25:38) suburban neighborhood. I grew up in (00:25:40) Houston where you gra you you have a kid (00:25:43) and you go home and they put you in this (00:25:45) box in your house and you just stay (00:25:47) there alone and then you switch out, (00:25:50) right? So my wife was teaching, she (00:25:52) would teach classes at night and then I (00:25:54) would just be with this kid who didn't (00:25:56) want anything to do with me. And all I (00:25:58) felt when I couldn't I I remember just (00:25:59) sitting there sobbing thinking, I can't (00:26:01) get my kid to stop crying. What a loser. (00:26:04) You know what I mean? What a loser. Not (00:26:06) knowing that a six-month-old is a bundle (00:26:09) of it's a nervous system that's just out (00:26:11) in the world, right? I couldn't I could (00:26:13) not get him to stop. But I didn't have (00:26:15) anyone to tell that to. Yeah. And I just (00:26:17) so I sat on it and sat on it and sat on (00:26:19) it and then I thought I can't do this. I (00:26:22) remember when my wife said, "Hey, the (00:26:24) bottles," she had pumped and the bottles (00:26:26) were in the fridge. I didn't know you're (00:26:28) supposed to warm them up. I remember (00:26:29) giving my kid a bottle and he was (00:26:31) shaking and I was like, "Oh, he loves (00:26:32) this. Like I didn't know. I didn't know. (00:26:35) I didn't even know what I didn't know. (00:26:37) Right. But I knew over time I sucked at (00:26:40) this. I'm failing here. I'm just going (00:26:41) to go work a little bit more. That's how (00:26:43) I can help my family the best. How do we (00:26:44) talk about being lonely as as parents, (00:26:47) especially as young parents or teenage (00:26:49) parents. Um I don't know any parent that (00:26:51) wants to feel out of control yet you're (00:26:53) stuck in your house by yourself and all (00:26:54) you have is whatever nonsense is is out (00:26:57) there. Yeah. I mean, I do think that (00:27:01) aloneeness is always the enemy, right? (00:27:04) Where again, we think feelings give us a (00:27:07) hard time or experiences give us a hard (00:27:09) time and feelings, experiences, things (00:27:10) that happen, those can definitely all be (00:27:12) hard. But the thing that's hardest for (00:27:14) humans is feeling alone in a hard (00:27:18) experience. Feeling alone in trauma, (00:27:21) that is trauma. I I think that's what (00:27:23) trauma is. It's an event with high (00:27:25) emotionality that's stored in (00:27:28) aloneeness. Now, obviously, some events (00:27:30) have higher potential for that, but (00:27:32) yeah, you come home, you have this baby, (00:27:35) nobody's taught you anything. And worse, (00:27:37) they've told you trust your instinct. (00:27:39) You're like, well, my instinct might be (00:27:41) to yell at a child, so I don't know if (00:27:43) that's And they tell you, this is magic. (00:27:45) It's so great. Exactly. Everything's (00:27:47) wonderful. So, expectations are here, (00:27:48) skills are here, and reality's down (00:27:50) here. And reality is down there. where (00:27:52) like when I see a new mom especially I'm (00:27:56) always like I really had a hard time in (00:27:58) the beginning and let me just tell you (00:27:59) the beginning was like 10 and a half (00:28:00) months and they're like oh I was like (00:28:02) yeah I there were more unenjoyable (00:28:04) moments for me I struggle with (00:28:07) dependency like a lot of people if you (00:28:09) love being around people who are (00:28:11) independent then the beginning stages of (00:28:14) parenthood are like really hard (00:28:16) especially hard and you're right when (00:28:17) you're then alone (00:28:20) I think what we have the tendency to do, (00:28:22) especially when we're alone, is we (00:28:24) interpret struggle as our fault. Yes. (00:28:28) And so then it's not even the struggle (00:28:31) you're responding to as much as the (00:28:33) story that it's your fault or that (00:28:35) someone more, you know, better would do (00:28:37) it differently or that again it should (00:28:39) be easier or that you're not cut out to (00:28:41) be a parent or that how I feel in this (00:28:43) moment is representative of how I'm (00:28:45) going to feel every moment. We do all (00:28:47) these grand things. We make it our (00:28:49) fault. We make it global when we're (00:28:50) alone and we make it forever. And we (00:28:52) make it forever. What's What's the (00:28:53) antidote to that? I mean, I think (00:28:55) there's a bunch of antidotes for that. I (00:28:56) I just cannot overstate the importance (00:28:58) of having more of an education for (00:29:01) parents. And I don't mean I love (00:29:03) Instagram. I I I do I love a 60-second (00:29:06) clip, but like that is a crumb for a (00:29:09) parent because you also can't even (00:29:10) describe something with nuance. And so (00:29:11) we all get these more extreme views of (00:29:13) what it should be like. So, I think (00:29:15) education is one cuz even if you're a (00:29:18) little alone with a crying baby, but in (00:29:19) your head, you've learned enough times, (00:29:21) it is not my job to stop a baby's (00:29:24) crying. That's not that's actually not (00:29:26) my job. That's not good for anyone. This (00:29:28) is not a sign of failure. Babies cry. (00:29:30) I'm going to support my baby with these (00:29:31) words I've learned and practiced. That (00:29:34) moment is going to be hard, but it won't (00:29:35) spiral you into an abyss. So, I think (00:29:38) education is just one thing. I think (00:29:41) another thing is having some type of (00:29:44) community or village. And even if that's (00:29:46) online, it's because sometimes your new (00:29:49) parent, you're in your house, you're (00:29:50) like, I can't even really leave the (00:29:51) house to get to this group. That is not (00:29:53) one more sign that you're a bad parent. (00:29:55) That is a sign you're in an incredibly (00:29:58) difficult stage. And and I do think one (00:30:01) of the things big picture when we're (00:30:03) struggling is we can either say this (00:30:06) struggle is a sign of something that's (00:30:08) my fault or this struggle is a sign of (00:30:11) something I need. And when I need (00:30:14) something, it's not some again signal (00:30:17) that I'm weak. Knowing what you need is (00:30:20) like a really important sign of (00:30:22) strength. And so maybe I do need to log (00:30:23) on somewhere and have a safe talk. Maybe (00:30:25) there is a Zoom group. Maybe there is a (00:30:27) friend I can text. Hey, were the first (00:30:29) couple months like both incredibly (00:30:31) exhausting and mind-numbing to you at (00:30:34) the same time? Most people who are (00:30:35) honest like that's exactly what it was. (00:30:37) Exhausting and difficult and (00:30:38) mind-numbing all at the same moment that (00:30:40) I remember my wife saying she went and (00:30:42) found three. I have to go find them. But (00:30:45) she went and almost not almost (00:30:46) ceremonially but went and said like, (00:30:48) "Hey, y'all are going to be my three (00:30:50) ride or dies during this. I'm going to (00:30:51) text you. I'm going to be at 3:00 a.m. (00:30:53) If if you're up and will you text me (00:30:54) back?" And it was just those, "Hey, this (00:30:57) is happening." and getting two other (00:30:59) moms who are like, "Exactly, exactly (00:31:01) supposed to be like that." And they go, (00:31:03) "This it still sucks, but okay." That's (00:31:06) right. Because you're removing, if you (00:31:08) picture it, you're removing aloneeness. (00:31:10) Yeah. And once I know I'm not alone, (00:31:13) meaning once I know there's not (00:31:14) something wrong with me for feeling this (00:31:16) way, it it becomes lighter. It doesn't (00:31:18) become easy. There's no moment of like (00:31:20) balloons and rainbows like when you (00:31:21) remove aloneeness. But the difference (00:31:23) between hard and impossible is big. (00:31:26) Gosh, that's so good. (00:31:28) The difference between Say that one more (00:31:30) time. The difference between hard and (00:31:33) impossible is big. And I think a lot of (00:31:35) moments in parenting so huge. It's just (00:31:37) they're hard. And that's what I think is (00:31:39) so important for parents to know. The (00:31:41) best it gets at certain moments is hard. (00:31:43) You don't go from impossible to joyful. (00:31:46) That that is not an arc anybody has ever (00:31:49) had. No. And ironically, the better we (00:31:53) get at managing the hard, the less often (00:31:57) hard becomes impossible. And then the (00:31:59) more more space there is for moments of (00:32:02) joy and connectedness, right? But that (00:32:04) actually all comes from how we learn to (00:32:06) manage the hard because if not, the hard (00:32:08) becomes impossible and crowds out (00:32:10) everything. And I think what your wife (00:32:12) spoke to, community, honesty, education, (00:32:15) and just someone saying, "You're not (00:32:16) crazy. That's how it was for me, too." (00:32:19) or it wasn't like that for me, but (00:32:21) that's okay and it is like that for you (00:32:22) and that doesn't mean anything about (00:32:24) you. This is a good time. You should (00:32:25) probably go talk to somebody, right? Or (00:32:27) level up. I remember taking a picture of (00:32:28) a rash and just sending it to her text (00:32:30) group and them being like all of them (00:32:32) wrote back like normal, normal, normal. (00:32:34) And I was like, "Oh god." Cuz you know, (00:32:36) I was like, "Oh, my kids got some rare, (00:32:38) you know, whatever." And it was just (00:32:40) okay, good. That's right. That's right. (00:32:43) So, I want to take a left turn here. (00:32:45) Great. I want to talk (00:32:49) to, let me say it this way. I'm just (00:32:51) going to be as raw as I can with this. (00:32:53) Great. So, here's what I'm hearing from (00:32:56) dads. Okay. (00:32:59) Useless. They don't want me around. I (00:33:02) don't know how to do this. I I don't (00:33:04) know how to ask anybody. Um I definitely (00:33:08) don't want to do this like my dad did. (00:33:10) And also this gnawing sense of this data (00:33:14) just came out the other day that 25 to (00:33:15) 35 year old women have just passed men (00:33:17) in earning potential and like I'm just (00:33:21) redundant (00:33:22) here and what they're doing because they (00:33:25) can because there's still society (00:33:27) offramps for men. They're just opting (00:33:29) out. They're either leaving or they are (00:33:34) leaving with a video game controller. (00:33:36) They're leaving on the couch. Um, or (00:33:38) they are deciding like what I did, I'll (00:33:41) just work 90 hours. I can't help in any (00:33:43) other way. I'll just put some money in (00:33:44) the checking account and then I'll feel (00:33:45) good. I mean, you're asking me this (00:33:48) question at a really good time because (00:33:50) I've been really obsessed with dads in (00:33:51) the last kind of couple months and (00:33:53) really thinking about dads and I'm also (00:33:56) seeing other dads who are leaning in in (00:33:59) a way that I haven't seen or read about (00:34:02) in, you know, generations. And so I (00:34:04) guess my number one thing I want to say (00:34:06) to that is just dads really matter. (00:34:08) Okay, dads really matter. And I think (00:34:10) when we look at the world we all want to (00:34:13) build where people can be in healthy (00:34:15) relationships where you know that (00:34:17) strength is actually so deeply connected (00:34:20) to how you relate to what's going on (00:34:22) inside you. So yes, being strong relates (00:34:26) to how you're able to manage your (00:34:27) feelings. And dads have I think moms (00:34:30) have a role to play there too. dads have (00:34:33) kind of really amazingly unique role to (00:34:35) rewrite a different story for their sons (00:34:38) and their daughters. And I think one of (00:34:40) the things you're putting together and I (00:34:42) think a lot of dads struggle with this (00:34:44) is equating kind of knowing what to do (00:34:49) with being important. Those are two very (00:34:52) different things. That took me a long (00:34:54) time. That's right. And and dads can (00:34:56) even still have a really positive impact (00:34:58) on their kids when they don't know what (00:35:01) to do. And I think there's a way of (00:35:03) naming this like every every parent, but (00:35:05) if dad's feel like, "Oh, I'm just in the (00:35:07) way and I don't know what to do." (00:35:08) Something that's always helpful to say (00:35:10) to a kid is, "I'm not sure exactly what (00:35:13) to say right now, but I want to tell you (00:35:15) I'm here." Yeah. I'm not sure what to (00:35:18) do, and I'm worried I'm going to get it (00:35:19) wrong, but I love you. You're a good (00:35:21) kid. We're going to get through this. (00:35:23) Like, you can just put out there the (00:35:25) first part. I don't know what to do. I'm (00:35:27) not sure how to respond to this. I feel (00:35:30) like there are words I would want to say (00:35:31) and I don't have them right now and I (00:35:36) want to assure you I'm here with you. (00:35:38) There's a guy I have high high respect (00:35:40) for and his kids are just extraordinary. (00:35:42) And I asked and he said I just started (00:35:44) taking him to breakfast once a week. So (00:35:45) I started out with my son and it was (00:35:46) boring and then it was boring and then (00:35:48) it was boring and then it was hey dad I (00:35:51) think there's this girl and but it was (00:35:53) or hey explain to me some deep (00:35:55) theological but it only came from (00:35:57) presence and presence and presence. I (00:35:58) think that's right. The (00:36:00) input is more and longer than any of us (00:36:04) in this efficiencyoriented world that we (00:36:06) live in would want it to be. You do get (00:36:09) a lot of rejection from your kids. And I (00:36:11) think we take the bait. Oh my gosh. Way (00:36:14) too often as if that's the whole truth. (00:36:16) when it if you actually reframe your (00:36:18) kids push back or eye roll as they're (00:36:21) trying to just figure out how much to (00:36:23) take in from me and how close to be and (00:36:26) they're young so by the way no adults do (00:36:28) that terribly well either you know but (00:36:30) they're just kind of muddying through it (00:36:33) right and they're also kind of (00:36:36) unconsciously testing out how much can I (00:36:39) trust my parent how much can I trust my (00:36:41) dad because I'm going to say it wrong (00:36:42) one time and I'm going to get (00:36:45) overwhelmed And before I even go to kind (00:36:47) of the depth I'd want to have in the (00:36:49) relationship, I need to know that I have (00:36:51) a parent who can take it. And so they do (00:36:54) kind of test out. I don't want to go to (00:36:55) breakfast with you. I have nothing to (00:36:57) say to you. And again, if we can just (00:36:59) think do not take the bait, right? And I (00:37:02) think there's a way in which this has (00:37:04) felt like weak. I can't let my kid get (00:37:06) away with that. But I I often tell (00:37:08) people like imagine Steph Curry or (00:37:11) LeBron and and you see them with like a (00:37:13) group of 8-year-olds or 16-year-olds and (00:37:15) they're like, "Steph Curry, you're the (00:37:16) worst shooter in basketball." And then (00:37:19) you hear Steph Curry being like, "You (00:37:21) can't say that to me." You'd be like, (00:37:23) "Steph, like get a hold of yourself. (00:37:25) Like get like that's like you know what (00:37:27) a sturdy person does." They don't (00:37:30) respond because they know who they are (00:37:31) and they don't need a 16-year-old or an (00:37:33) 8-year-old to prove it to themselves. (00:37:35) they're secure enough that they can hear (00:37:37) something about them that they know (00:37:39) isn't true and they don't need to prove (00:37:42) their own truth in the relationship. So (00:37:45) I tell especially dads like channel your (00:37:48) inner LeBron. Like you would not want to (00:37:50) see LeBron saying you don't want to go (00:37:52) to breakfast who's with me. You're like (00:37:53) LeBron dude like come on. You're like (00:37:54) NBA Allstar. Just like take a deep (00:37:56) breath, relax, you know? Okay. But the (00:37:58) next step is we're going Yeah. It's (00:38:01) almost like the Goodwill Hunting scene (00:38:04) like we're having this. We're going to (00:38:05) sit here. Yes. We don't have to say (00:38:06) anything. That's right. I'm gonna eat. (00:38:08) That's right. Um, so this is me like (00:38:11) taking a Jonism and you tell me if this (00:38:13) is right or wrong. I often tell parents (00:38:14) and maybe I'm hitting the pendulum too (00:38:16) hard. Your nine-year-old doesn't get a (00:38:18) vote in your emotional state. And like, (00:38:22) and that may be too far, but I want (00:38:25) parents to practice. They don't get a (00:38:27) vote, dude. They're nine. Like we as a (00:38:29) society don't let them drive or buy (00:38:31) cigarettes, right? Because they're nine (00:38:33) and so my nine-year-old can pop off all (00:38:36) day long. I can sit down when the smoke (00:38:38) is clear and talk about that's (00:38:39) disrespectful. Yes. And or in our house (00:38:42) we have a values like this is who we (00:38:43) are. And that way I can point back and (00:38:45) say we all agreed like you're at the (00:38:48) table. This is not who how we talk to (00:38:49) each other in this house. (00:38:51) But I'm not I'm not going to outsource (00:38:53) my feelings to my 9-year-old or my (00:38:56) 15-year-old. And it's hard. Yeah. Right. (00:38:58) It's hard because then if we're not (00:39:00) outsourcing it, the reason it's hard is (00:39:02) we actually have to do it for ours. I've (00:39:04) got to do it for myself. That's right. (00:39:06) You know, but it is true. And so I I (00:39:08) don't mind you don't have a vote. I (00:39:09) guess I'd put a tweak on it just cuz to (00:39:11) me our kids, they feel our intention (00:39:16) over our intervention. They feel our (00:39:19) mindset and they feel, are you looking (00:39:21) at me like we're on the same team and (00:39:24) you like me? or even though you're (00:39:26) saying the same words, are you looking (00:39:27) at me like I'm a nuisance or like I'm (00:39:29) difficult or you look at your phone (00:39:30) while you tell me that that too, right? (00:39:32) So, I think there's something to and (00:39:34) again I think everything at Goodside, we (00:39:36) always come back to these two things at (00:39:37) once. I could validate my kid's reality (00:39:40) and my kid needs to know I'm not (00:39:43) overtaken by it that I have their (00:39:45) long-term interest in mind and I won't (00:39:48) let their short-term protest get in my (00:39:51) way of doing what I know is good for (00:39:53) them. This is like a pilot saying, "We (00:39:55) need to make an emergency landing." And (00:39:57) you might be on a plane being like, "Oh (00:39:58) man, I have this meeting. I have this (00:39:59) wedding." And maybe you think it's not (00:40:01) that big of a deal. And you start (00:40:03) protesting. Then imagine your pilot (00:40:05) saying, "Oh, you're right. Actually, (00:40:06) forget we won't land. We'll go through (00:40:08) the storm." Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like, um, (00:40:10) I I wanted you to say to me, "It does (00:40:13) stink." Yeah. That you can't get to your (00:40:15) wedding, but but but I also don't want (00:40:17) you to change your mind. And so I think (00:40:20) you're taking your kid to breakfast and (00:40:22) they're like, "I don't want to go with (00:40:23) you. I'm just going to stay quiet the (00:40:24) whole time. Validate something in there. (00:40:27) Just even if it's like, I get it. It's (00:40:29) not what you want to do. That's boring. (00:40:30) Yeah. Yeah, I get it. I'm just like not (00:40:32) high on your list of people to have (00:40:33) interesting conversations with. I get (00:40:35) it. You know, and we are going to go and (00:40:38) if you're quiet the whole time, that's (00:40:40) how today's breakfast, but it's it's (00:40:42) important for me. Maybe not for you, (00:40:44) it's important for me that we get good (00:40:46) time together. Like I just think as a (00:40:48) kid, they're not going to grab and then (00:40:50) we think we're going to say these (00:40:50) things. I think John, this is the other (00:40:52) part. We say these things like, "It's (00:40:53) important for me to get time together. (00:40:55) You can just sit there. You know, maybe (00:40:58) that's how today's go goes, but we're (00:40:59) we're going to go out for pancakes." (00:41:00) Whatever it is. We think our kids going (00:41:02) to look at us after and be like, "Dad, (00:41:04) you crushed that moment. Thank you." No. (00:41:07) Right. Right. Or I set a boundary, you (00:41:10) know, oh no, there's no sleepover on a (00:41:11) Wednesday. And I think my kids's going (00:41:13) to say, "That is reasonable. I do have a (00:41:15) school tomorrow." Good call. I love you. (00:41:17) You're sturdy leader. You know, like my (00:41:18) kids have never said that to me. And so (00:41:20) kids are allowed to protest. We still as (00:41:23) the leader of our home, just like the (00:41:25) CEO of a company, you have to make good (00:41:28) long-term decisions even when the people (00:41:32) around you are focused on short-term (00:41:34) ease and comfort. That that though (00:41:38) impacts we have a very unintentional (00:41:42) culture. We're just getting to the next (00:41:44) thing. (00:41:46) And that's that suggests if you bring a (00:41:49) child into the world, you owe it to (00:41:51) yourself and to your community and to (00:41:53) your neighbors and to your kids. You (00:41:56) have to start being intentional with (00:41:58) your life at least some like I'm a (00:42:00) realist some percentage of the time. (00:42:02) Like I I prioritize short-term ease too (00:42:05) sometimes, right? I always say like I'm (00:42:07) I don't want to fall off the wagon, but (00:42:08) sometimes I'll park it and climb off and (00:42:10) roll around in the mud and then I'll get (00:42:11) back on it. Right. That's fine. Right. (00:42:13) Again, there's no perfection here. (00:42:14) There's no parent I know. Definitely not (00:42:16) me. It's like I am always making (00:42:18) long-term good decisions. No, I'm like a (00:42:21) human. Hello. But there is something to (00:42:24) a little inventory of like, all right, (00:42:26) let me look at this week. What is my I (00:42:28) always say at Good Inside, we're very (00:42:29) long-term greedy in our parenting. Our (00:42:31) kids are going to be 18 and over. (00:42:32) They're going to be out of our house for (00:42:34) so many more years than they're in our (00:42:36) house, which also means for so many more (00:42:38) years than they're locked into a (00:42:40) relationship with us. they will choose (00:42:42) whether they want to be in a (00:42:44) relationship with us. And so these (00:42:46) long-term decisions matter. And we don't (00:42:47) build strong relationships with our kids (00:42:49) by saying yes to them all the time and (00:42:51) giving into shortterm stuff all the time (00:42:53) because they end up resenting us. Why (00:42:55) didn't you make good decisions? Why (00:42:56) didn't you land the plane when you (00:42:58) needed to? I needed a pilot. I didn't (00:43:00) have my pilot license then. And so that (00:43:03) stuff really does build a long-term (00:43:05) relationship, but it won't lead to a (00:43:07) short-term high five. (00:43:10) Hey, it's Deloney for Organifi. I talk (00:43:13) to people every day who are stressed to (00:43:15) the max. They're anxious, not sleeping (00:43:17) well, disconnected, and just grumpy. (00:43:19) Most people are trying to fix all of (00:43:21) their discomfort with comfort food or (00:43:24) caffeine or scented candles. Can we all (00:43:27) just agree what we're trying isn't (00:43:29) working? This is where Organifi comes (00:43:32) in. 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Organifi also makes (00:44:13) green juice and red juice blends that (00:44:15) you can mix with water, and then when (00:44:17) you're ready to rock and roll, you just (00:44:18) drink them, and you're ready to go. (00:44:20) Listen, I can talk about ingredients and (00:44:22) clinical studies and all that, but (00:44:23) here's the best endorsement I can give. (00:44:26) I use Organifi every single day. My son (00:44:28) takes Organifi every single day. I (00:44:30) travel with it. I take it at home. And (00:44:33) you should give Organifi a try, too. Go (00:44:35) to (00:44:37) organifi.com/deloney and use code (00:44:38) deloney to save 20%. That's 20% off (00:44:41) sitewide with code deloney at (00:44:44) organifi.com/deloney. (00:44:48) You changed how I define the word guilt. (00:44:52) Talk me through that. Yes. Cuz when you (00:44:54) said it, I've been teaching on guilt for (00:44:56) years. And when you said it, I was like, (00:44:57) well, I was wrong on that one. So, walk (00:45:00) me through guilt. So, this to me is like (00:45:02) how so many of the different things I (00:45:03) think about happen where I just keep (00:45:04) hearing these things from parents. I'm (00:45:06) like, what does that mean? What do you (00:45:07) really mean by that? And so, something (00:45:08) I'd hear, especially from moms, it could (00:45:10) be from dads, is, okay, I've put my kid (00:45:13) to bed for 39 straight nights. I'm going (00:45:15) out to dinner with my college girlfriend (00:45:17) who's in town, but my kids's clinging to (00:45:20) me and they're like, "You have to put me (00:45:21) down." And then they'll say to me, "I (00:45:23) feel so guilty." And then I don't go. Or (00:45:26) I want to sleep in one weekend morning, (00:45:28) but I feel like if I tell my partner, (00:45:31) they're going to tell me how tired I am, (00:45:32) and then I'd feel too guilty. And I kept (00:45:34) thinking, this is interesting because (00:45:36) our emotions are information, and our (00:45:39) emotions have evolutionary purpose. So, (00:45:42) what are we doing that some emotion is (00:45:44) getting in our way of doing something (00:45:46) that's good for us? And that's when I (00:45:47) realized I don't think people in those (00:45:49) scenarios are talking about guilt at (00:45:51) all. Because to me, what guilt is, it's (00:45:54) a feeling we have when we act out of (00:45:57) alignment with our values. And again, (00:46:00) then that's important because even if (00:46:01) it's uncomfortable, it's it's an (00:46:03) important feeling. Yeah. Your body's (00:46:04) like, "I'm going to make you feel (00:46:05) uncomfortable, not to send you into a (00:46:07) spiral, but to get you to pause and ask (00:46:10) yourself, well, why did I yell at the (00:46:12) taxi driver? Why am I late to every (00:46:14) meeting?" If I can actually reflect on (00:46:16) that, because guilt helps me reflect, (00:46:19) then I can change. Amazing. But then I (00:46:21) kept thinking, but going out to dinner (00:46:24) here and there with a friend, I know (00:46:26) that woman that's in alignment with her (00:46:29) values. Okay. and right whatever the (00:46:32) other sleeping in one weekend morning (00:46:34) like that person values rest so what is (00:46:37) this and then what I realized is there (00:46:39) are so many moments that we say I feel (00:46:42) guilty that we're not talking about (00:46:45) guilt when we say I'm too guilty to have (00:46:49) dinner with a friend once in a while I'm (00:46:50) too guilty to sleep in and let my (00:46:52) partner take care of the kids one (00:46:54) weekend morning I think what we're (00:46:55) actually speaking to is our (00:46:58) tendency to notice other people's (00:47:01) distress, my kids distress that I'm (00:47:03) leaving. My partner's oh, but it's going (00:47:06) to be hard to take care of the kids (00:47:07) alone. Two situations when there's (00:47:10) distress. And I look at those feelings (00:47:12) of distress and I'm kind of like, no, (00:47:14) I'll take those from your body. I will (00:47:16) put them into my body and I will call it (00:47:19) guilt, but it's not really guilt. It's (00:47:22) just my tendency to take on other (00:47:24) people's emotions and process their (00:47:27) emotions for them. And that I have a (00:47:31) Jonism the thing the tools you use to (00:47:33) keep you safe as a kid will by and large (00:47:36) destroy your adult relationships 100 I (00:47:38) mean that's right where everything we (00:47:41) struggle with in adulthood (00:47:44) was an adaptation in childhood. I think (00:47:47) that form of guilt it does everybody (00:47:49) like you're saying a big injustice (00:47:51) because number one we have to start with (00:47:54) a place of true compassion and I would (00:47:56) say further appreciation. Anybody who's (00:47:58) listening is like, I do that. Maybe I'm (00:48:00) not guilty. Maybe I'm just taking in (00:48:02) other people's emotions to start with, (00:48:04) hold on. I I would say to myself like, (00:48:08) thank you. Thank you for your years of (00:48:10) service. Really, thank you for your (00:48:12) years of service. Yeah, that protected (00:48:15) me. that was adaptive during all of my (00:48:19) early years when I needed to figure out (00:48:22) who I needed to be in my family of (00:48:24) origin to get the most love and (00:48:26) protection I could. And if taking care (00:48:28) of other people's emotions was the way I (00:48:30) did that, then like boy was I a crafty (00:48:33) 8-year-old to figure that out. And like (00:48:35) can can I click on something? Yeah. (00:48:43) So, peacekeeping is (00:48:46) one. I found love by being sexually (00:48:50) active a lot. I drank too much into (00:48:53) drugs as a kid. I I'm hearing more and (00:48:56) more 35 year olds looking at their (00:48:59) 18-year-old self or their 16-year-old (00:49:02) self with a lot of condemnation or their (00:49:03) 21-year-old self trying to survive. (00:49:07) And so like like saying I'm a people (00:49:09) pleaser that tends to have less cultural (00:49:12) baggage than some of these other things. (00:49:14) And there's something about telling us (00:49:16) like dude like hug your 16-year-old (00:49:18) self. They're doing what they could to (00:49:19) survive. That's right. We don't let them (00:49:21) we don't let them buy beer. They were (00:49:24) trying they were doing what they had to (00:49:24) do to survive. Yeah. You're talking (00:49:26) about like you know being very sexually (00:49:27) active. You could say okay well what was (00:49:30) my body was seeking connection and (00:49:32) closeness. In what ways was that allowed (00:49:35) growing up? That's right. If I was a if (00:49:38) I'm a man, like was I a boy who could (00:49:39) have gone to a parent saying, "I'm (00:49:41) having a hard time with math. I feel (00:49:44) left out by my friends." Would I have (00:49:46) been greeted with like a hug? I'm so (00:49:49) glad you're talking to me about this. Or (00:49:50) would I have been given, "Shut up. Get (00:49:52) out." Exactly. Or like even hearing that (00:49:55) suggestion, are you like, "You must not (00:49:57) know my family to even ask that (00:49:58) question." But that's evidence of, oh, (00:50:01) so what did I do at age 5, 8, 11, (00:50:07) 16 to figure out how to be close to (00:50:10) people given that's a basic (00:50:13) evolutionary need? It's oxygen for a (00:50:15) child. Yeah. 100%. And so, wow, I (00:50:19) figured out that one avenue was like a (00:50:21) lot of sex. Yeah. Physical contact. Hey. (00:50:24) Okay. Well, even if that doesn't work (00:50:27) for me now, I can still take a moment to (00:50:30) understand its origin and yes, have some (00:50:34) appreciation for that kid part of me (00:50:37) that was kind of thinking, okay, this (00:50:39) avenue is closed off. This avenue is (00:50:41) closed off. And instead of shutting down (00:50:42) as a human being, I was like, wait, I (00:50:44) found it. Reckless sex. Okay. Like be (00:50:48) compassionate to that kid. Yeah. And (00:50:49) almost like appreciative. You can (00:50:51) appreciate someone's attempt to protect (00:50:54) you totally separate from the impact (00:50:57) that form of protection ended up having. (00:50:59) There you go. Yeah. If you sit with (00:51:00) addicts and or let me rephrase it. If (00:51:03) you sit with people who are struggling (00:51:04) with addiction, it's that it's like how (00:51:07) do you know when you say like alcohol (00:51:09) works? It's amazing. That's right. It's (00:51:11) amazing. That's right. Right. Marijuana (00:51:13) it's amazing. Yeah. And over time it's (00:51:17) it may not be adaptive. Right. That (00:51:19) That's exactly right. And there's an (00:51:21) exhale, but there's some Yeah, I love (00:51:23) that idea of being compassion and seeing (00:51:25) where that behavior has behavior sounds (00:51:28) so like I'm your dad, but like where (00:51:29) that expression there you go. Like as (00:51:31) you're older, where is that still trying (00:51:33) to where's my body still trying to take (00:51:35) care of me in those ways and where is it (00:51:36) now maladaptive? It's not it's not (00:51:38) helpful. And I think this is this goes (00:51:39) directly to kind of this next generation (00:51:42) I feel so passionately about raising (00:51:44) where if we teach kids that they're (00:51:47) acting out behavior is not a sign of who (00:51:50) they are but it's a sign of what they (00:51:52) need that means they are going to be (00:51:55) more and more likely to figure out other (00:51:58) ways to get what they need that are more (00:52:00) adaptive. Yes. Right. And so even though (00:52:03) we're talking about sex at age 16, this (00:52:06) is actually the same as thinking about (00:52:08) hitting. Okay, so my kid at age three is (00:52:11) hitting not cuz they're a bad kid, not (00:52:13) cuz they have some character deficit. (00:52:15) It's because they're frustrated that (00:52:17) their sister has their favorite truck (00:52:20) and they don't yet have a skill to (00:52:22) manage that frustration. Yeah. Yeah. (00:52:24) Okay. So we can teach that. And then by (00:52:28) the way, anger is a healthy emotion. (00:52:30) Anger tells us what we need. Yes. I (00:52:32) don't want anyone to ever lose touch (00:52:33) with their anger because anger in that (00:52:35) way is a sign that you still have some (00:52:37) type of self-confidence, self-resect to (00:52:39) think you deserve things. Now, learning (00:52:41) how to manage anger that comes to skills (00:52:43) and curiosity. And I think as a culture, (00:52:46) we've received such little curiosity and (00:52:49) compassion in our early years for the (00:52:52) source of our behavior that we almost (00:52:54) think compassion is dangerous. Like (00:52:56) someone's like, I'm going to be (00:52:56) compassionate about this awful behavior. (00:52:59) Whatever you've tried, I promise you (00:53:00) shame locks you into bad behavior way (00:53:04) more than compassion does every time. (00:53:06) Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's a great (00:53:08) minister in our community that says (00:53:10) whatever you think here's doing love (00:53:11) will do better. I assure you, right? And (00:53:13) so you can hate this thing or you can (00:53:16) say come sit down. Yeah. Exactly. (00:53:18) How do you on the flip side of that (00:53:22) if we can look at childhood behaviors is (00:53:24) often a kid saying I don't have the (00:53:25) skill set here or I'm expressing a need (00:53:28) for something. Y (00:53:30) what was it like 65% of homes or single (00:53:33) parent homes now? (00:53:35) Um what do you say to the parent that's (00:53:37) working three jobs and they see these (00:53:39) behaviors in their kids? They know (00:53:41) they're there and there's they're (00:53:43) between a rock and a hard place. Yes. I (00:53:45) mean the first thing I would say is (00:53:47) probably no words at all. I just want to (00:53:48) give that person a hug and say, "Holy (00:53:50) moly, you are managing more than is (00:53:52) humanly possible." And again, the setup (00:53:55) of of child care and of support for (00:53:58) parenting is completely lacking. Yeah. (00:54:00) Right. And I think that's also one of (00:54:02) the reasons we see declining birth (00:54:04) rates. People are like, "Yeah, I don't I (00:54:05) can't afford it." Yeah. Yeah. And I (00:54:06) don't know about this setup anymore. You (00:54:08) know, like I'm starting to question it. (00:54:10) The next thing I would say to that (00:54:11) parent (00:54:13) is there are probably ways to think (00:54:16) smaller. I think when we're struggling (00:54:18) with our kids, we think really big and (00:54:20) it can get away from us in terms of, (00:54:23) okay, it's hard for you to connect with (00:54:24) your kid. And then parents like, I'm (00:54:26) going to take them to the amusement park (00:54:27) on Saturday and then I'm like in traffic (00:54:28) and I'm spending so much money and I'm (00:54:30) resentful. I'm going to be without my (00:54:31) phone for 3 hours. I'd be like, look, (00:54:34) with all due respect, you you are rarely (00:54:36) without your phone for 5 minutes. Let's (00:54:37) just start with five minutes, right? And (00:54:39) I'm not saying that cuz I don't believe (00:54:40) in someone. I'm actually saying that (00:54:41) because I do believe in someone. So (00:54:43) let's just set ourselves up. So that (00:54:45) single parent who's working three jobs, (00:54:47) like can you say to your kid today, I (00:54:50) just want to tell you you're a good kid (00:54:51) and I love you. I want to tell you I'm (00:54:53) sorry for the moments I yell. That's a (00:54:55) sign of my exhaustion, not a sign of (00:54:57) anything about you. I just did an (00:54:59) intervention in 10 seconds. I can kind (00:55:01) of say, "Okay, did one small shift today (00:55:04) and then I could do another small shift (00:55:05) tomorrow and that's kind of as good as (00:55:07) it gets." Dang. Can we do um 3 minutes? (00:55:10) Okay, cool. Yeah. All right. I'm going (00:55:12) to I'm going to run through some rapid (00:55:14) fires here. Okay. Yes. (00:55:16) Um what do you tell the mother or father (00:55:19) who doesn't want to play with their kids (00:55:20) cuz it's boring? I would say number one, (00:55:24) it's okay. Can we say that out loud? (00:55:26) Yes. It's okay. That play feels boring. (00:55:28) It feels boring for a couple reasons. (00:55:29) Our life is full of so much dopamine now (00:55:32) and so much instant gratification where (00:55:34) play is slow and without dopamine. So (00:55:37) that's number one. Number two, a lot of (00:55:39) people find play very hard with their (00:55:41) kids because nobody played with them. (00:55:45) And so if you realize, oh, I'm doing (00:55:48) something that (00:55:49) generationally has never been done (00:55:51) before, of course it's going to feel (00:55:53) deeply uncomfortable. Set yourself up (00:55:55) for something small. It's 2 minutes of (00:55:57) play-doh. It's a fiveinut game and then (00:56:01) I think those increments probably over (00:56:03) time feel less boring because again (00:56:05) you've worked up for them and we've had (00:56:08) to get creative in our house. We have a (00:56:10) wrestling mat that we roll out that the (00:56:12) that I thought my son liked this. My (00:56:13) daughter loves it but but yeah. Yeah. (00:56:15) Okay. Finding things that can also Okay. (00:56:17) Awesome. Um is my kid manipulating me? (00:56:22) They're good at home or they're terrible (00:56:25) at home but they're good out there so I (00:56:27) know they can. And so it must be and I (00:56:29) guess the meta question here is (00:56:30) projecting (00:56:32) adult ways of being and navigating (00:56:35) social situations onto a child. Yeah. I (00:56:37) I don't think manipulating is a helpful (00:56:39) framework for kids or adults. I I (00:56:41) actually think the single biggest thing (00:56:43) we can change as a parent isn't a (00:56:46) strategy. It isn't a script. It's our (00:56:48) mindset. As soon as you think about your (00:56:50) kid as manipulating you, you're in enemy (00:56:53) territory with each other. And then (00:56:54) we're going to intervene like they're (00:56:55) our enemy, which means they're going to (00:56:57) get defensive. They're going to feel (00:56:58) disconnected, power struggle, screaming, (00:57:01) etc. I would say the same thing as an (00:57:02) adult. As soon as you think my friend is (00:57:04) manipulating me, enemy territory. It's (00:57:06) just it's actually just not useful. (00:57:08) Whether or not it's true is irrelevant. (00:57:10) I think instead you can say, "What would (00:57:13) make my kid behave one way at school and (00:57:15) another at home? What would make me (00:57:17) behave one way at work and then give it (00:57:20) to my husband? Is it because I'm (00:57:21) manipulating him?" I think someone there (00:57:23) would say, "Oh, probably not. Maybe (00:57:25) you're again, you're exhausted. Maybe (00:57:27) he's actually your safe person. Maybe he (00:57:29) has to establish what is okay and what's (00:57:30) not okay while still not kind of (00:57:33) demonizing you." And I think that's (00:57:35) that's what I would shift about. Is it (00:57:37) true that kids by and large do what (00:57:39) works contextually? You know what? I (00:57:41) don't think it's even that intentional (00:57:44) where I was wrong on that one. (00:57:46) I just think our kids are trying to (00:57:48) figure out how to kind of operate in the (00:57:50) world and how to build skills and they (00:57:53) usually see us as like the safest (00:57:55) container which doesn't make bad (00:57:57) behavior okay but it does mean it's a (00:58:00) clue contextual exactly to what's going (00:58:02) on. And if we see it that way, we can (00:58:05) almost oddly become like almost weirdly (00:58:09) excited when our kids have a hard (00:58:11) moment. Because if you're oriented by (00:58:13) impact instead of just by short-term (00:58:15) ease, then you know when your kid lies (00:58:18) to you or when your kid says, "I'm not (00:58:20) going to bed." That you actually have an (00:58:23) opportunity to build skills for anxiety, (00:58:27) to build skills for shame. These are (00:58:30) things that are going to happen over and (00:58:33) over. And so you see these hard moments (00:58:35) not as a sign your kid is manipulating (00:58:38) you, but actually as kind of like a high (00:58:40) impact opportunity, like a pathway back (00:58:42) to him. Dude, I love that. Okay, last (00:58:44) one. Okay. What's (00:58:46) the Oh man, we could have talked about (00:58:48) kids in technology. We'll have to do a (00:58:49) whole another show on that. Um, two more (00:58:52) real quick. Sleepover J or Nay. I I'm (00:58:55) not I think it depends on the kid and (00:58:57) depends on the family. So, um I'm not (00:58:59) yay or nay as like a rigid rule. Um I (00:59:01) think it's great in general for kids to (00:59:04) have opportunities to have risk, to be (00:59:07) uncomfortable, to consolidate skills (00:59:10) away from you. That's the only time kids (00:59:12) do consolidate skills. Whether that (00:59:15) happens in a sleepover or it happens in (00:59:17) another type of environment is really (00:59:19) based on the family and what feels right (00:59:20) to them. That's okay. Great answer. Last (00:59:23) one. Where are you most misunderstood? (00:59:26) I think that we get kind of lumped (00:59:31) into snowflake parenting, soft, quote, (00:59:35) gentle. And I think like we started with (00:59:39) this idea of sturdiness really shows the (00:59:41) difference. But as a world, as a (00:59:44) society, we are getting increasingly bad (00:59:47) at holding two seemingly oppositional (00:59:50) truths at the same time. I actually (00:59:52) think this is one of the things good (00:59:53) inside can bring to the world. (00:59:58) I can have a relationship with (01:00:00) my firm and boundar (01:00:07) we are showing that you can kind of have (01:00:09) both at once and that's the model of (01:00:11) parenting where I think we can be (01:00:13) misunderstood but I feel so passionately (01:00:15) about continuing to bang the table and (01:00:17) say yes parents you are in authority you (01:00:20) set limits you make key decisions you (01:00:23) set boundaries And while you do that, (01:00:26) you can stay connected to your kid. You (01:00:29) can have both at the same time. I'm not (01:00:31) even going to say anything after that. (01:00:32) That was appreciate it. It's awesome. (01:00:36) I've been on board with the benefits of (01:00:38) red light therapy for a long time. And (01:00:40) that's why I'm excited to tell you about (01:00:42) Bon Charge. 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I got the mask and (01:01:28) I'm starting to look so handsome. (01:01:31) Listen, just wear it 10 minutes a few (01:01:33) times a week for fresher skin. No (01:01:35) creams, no appointments. It's (01:01:37) lightweight, it's cordless. Check it (01:01:39) out. Go to (01:01:42) bondcharge.com/deloney and use coupon (01:01:44) code deloney to save 15%. That's b o n c (01:01:48) h a r ge (01:01:51) bondcharge.com/deloney and use coupon (01:01:53) code deloney to save (01:01:56) 15%. All right, that was my conversation (01:01:59) with the amazing Becky Kennedy. And (01:02:01) listen, we've linked to everything. The (01:02:03) Good Inside app, which is incredible. If (01:02:06) you're a parent and you're just looking (01:02:08) for what to do next when you get all (01:02:10) kinds of wild things, it's a great app. (01:02:12) We've linked to that. We've also linked (01:02:14) to her book, Good Inside, and all the (01:02:17) other stuff we talked about. Thank you (01:02:18) so much for joining us. Check her out on (01:02:20) social media. She's a great follow. And (01:02:23) I'll see you soon. Be kind. Right now, (01:02:27) it feels like that's pretty much all we (01:02:29) got left. Be kind to each other and find (01:02:31) somebody to serve. I love you guys. Stay (01:02:34) in school. Don't do drugs. Bye. (01:02:37) [Music]