Mel Robbins: Saying These 2 Words Could Fix Your Anxiety! (Brand New Trick) (YouTube Video Transcript)

(00:00:00) Your YouTube transcript will appear here (00:00:00) what really breaks my heart is how stuck (00:00:02) people are there are things you can do (00:00:07) to change your life for the better and (00:00:09) so let me give you the secret Mel (00:00:12) Robbins one of the most trusted experts (00:00:13) on confidence and motivation her unique (00:00:16) brand of raw and relatable advice has (00:00:18) made her one of the most sought after (00:00:20) speakers in the world don't rely on (00:00:23) motivation motivation garbage because (00:00:25) it's not there when you need it and the (00:00:26) fact is if it were easy to develop great (00:00:28) habits or change your mindset everybody (00:00:30) would have their dreams come true it is (00:00:32) very difficult to change because we are (00:00:35) hardwired to spot patterns that seem (00:00:38) similar and to repeat them there's also (00:00:40) this C voice that is talking to you all (00:00:43) the time going boy you really suck and (00:00:45) you blew that and my God you're never (00:00:46) going to amount to anything constantly (00:00:48) telling you what you think about (00:00:49) yourself and of course what you think (00:00:51) about yourself then drives the things (00:00:53) that you do but luckily there's two ways (00:00:55) around it one is to that absolutely (00:00:58) works (00:01:00) let them let them let them let them the (00:01:03) let them theory is based on a simple (00:01:06) truth the fastest way to take control of (00:01:08) your life is to stop controlling (00:01:10) everyone around you that opinion is (00:01:12) usually driven by your insecurity (00:01:14) controlling nature your anxiety and it (00:01:16) is ruining your relationships but when (00:01:18) you say let them something really (00:01:20) interesting happens you will (00:01:23) notice it it's absolutely (00:01:27) life-changing you will (00:01:31) at this time of year everybody is (00:01:33) thinking about changes that they want to (00:01:35) make in their life but it's incredibly (00:01:37) hard to become a new person when your (00:01:40) circumstances stay the same in this (00:01:43) episode me and Mel go on a journey to (00:01:46) figure out how you listening to this at (00:01:49) home can change your life we go through (00:01:52) the science we go through the proven (00:01:54) strategies and we go through some of the (00:01:56) mindset alterations we all need to make (00:01:59) going into next year if we want to stand (00:02:01) the chance of closing the gap on our (00:02:03) potential and when I say potential I'm (00:02:05) not talking about success alone I'm (00:02:07) talking about happiness and I'm talking (00:02:09) about health things that I think (00:02:11) everybody that listens to this podcast (00:02:13) cares so deeply about and there's one (00:02:16) thing that Mel says this idea of the let (00:02:19) them Theory which sounds so (00:02:23) simple but I honestly think could change (00:02:25) your life whether it's in your (00:02:26) relationships at work with your partner (00:02:29) or when someone cuts you off in traffic (00:02:31) this let them theory for me since Mel (00:02:35) told me about it has significantly (00:02:37) improved my life I can't wait for you to (00:02:39) listen to this episode Mel is just the (00:02:42) best and before this episode starts I (00:02:44) want to make a deal with you about 58% (00:02:47) of you that watch this podcast (00:02:48) frequently haven't yet hit the Subscribe (00:02:50) button if you enjoy what we do here (00:02:52) here's the deal that I want to make with (00:02:53) you if you hit that subscribe button I (00:02:56) promise you that we will keep making the (00:02:59) show better in every single way and we (00:03:02) have huge plans to turn this into more (00:03:03) of a documentary style conversation (00:03:06) where we work incredibly hard to bring (00:03:08) in footage of the things we're talking (00:03:10) about to give you greater context and (00:03:12) greater meaning so if you hit the (00:03:14) Subscribe button I promise you that we (00:03:16) will deliver an even greater version of (00:03:19) this show I hope you choose to come (00:03:22) along on this journey enjoy this episode (00:03:24) [Music] (00:03:31) Mel I'm thinking about the 45-year-old (00:03:35) Taxi Driver that's her dad I'm thinking (00:03:36) about Judith who has an idea for a (00:03:40) handbag business she wants to start but (00:03:42) she's 56 years old and maybe Society has (00:03:44) convinced her that she can't change now (00:03:48) she can't pivot away from where she is (00:03:49) I'm also thinking about the 27 year-old (00:03:52) medical graduate who became a dentist (00:03:55) because their immigrant mother told them (00:03:58) that was success and happiness and they (00:03:59) never listen to the voice inside of them (00:04:02) those people that are in those (00:04:03) situations where they feel like they've (00:04:05) gone so far down a (00:04:07) path how does one turn back move forward (00:04:12) I mean I don't even know what Direction (00:04:13) You Don't Turn back okay well because (00:04:15) here's the thing first of all I'm 55 and (00:04:19) I did not even get started in the (00:04:23) podcast business until I was 54 years (00:04:25) old and so I personally feel that my (00:04:30) life and the business that I've built (00:04:32) and the example that I set every single (00:04:34) day is evidence that you can decide at (00:04:37) any age that you are going to Pivot and (00:04:40) turn in a New Direction and One metaphor (00:04:43) that has helped me Stephen A Lot in my (00:04:45) life is I think (00:04:47) about life as one long road trip and (00:04:51) that that I know it sounds super cheesy (00:04:53) but just bear with me for a minute if (00:04:55) you think about every single year of (00:04:58) your life as a mile marker (00:05:00) and the fact that we all start at zero (00:05:03) we all end at some (00:05:05) point when you think about your life as (00:05:08) a road trip and you're the driver that (00:05:10) means it's about navigating where you go (00:05:13) next and at any single moment you can (00:05:17) pull over stop the damn car like if you (00:05:20) feel lost if you feel turned around if (00:05:23) you have hit a dead end do not find your (00:05:25) way by continuing to drive in circles (00:05:28) stop for a second a that's where you are (00:05:31) tune back into the navigation system (00:05:35) that is inside you and you can turn your (00:05:37) life in a New Direction you do it over (00:05:41) and over and over again in business you (00:05:43) have this Natural Curiosity this natural (00:05:45) drive if your instincts tell you to go (00:05:48) you point towards it I have (00:05:53) that but for everybody that's listening (00:05:57) or watching us who feels like you don't (00:06:01) ever have that moment where your (00:06:06) intuition tells you it's that way let me (00:06:09) give you the secret to how to make your (00:06:12) next big move and the secret is (00:06:16) this pay attention to what sucks in your (00:06:20) life because there are positive (00:06:23) navigational signals and there are (00:06:25) negative ones and when it comes to my (00:06:27) life Stephen you seem to have been able (00:06:30) to tap into the positive I have a much (00:06:34) greater like I don't know I'm I'm more (00:06:37) deeply connected to the negative [ __ ] (00:06:39) the jealousy (00:06:41) frustration um feeling anger anytime (00:06:45) those emotions come up in my body it's (00:06:48) just a directional signal from deep (00:06:51) inside of you telling you you're about (00:06:53) you're you're supposed to Pivot like do (00:06:55) not head in the same direction do not do (00:06:57) not keep going the same speed make a (00:06:59) change (00:07:00) so I hear you say that we can pull over (00:07:03) on the side of the road at any moment in (00:07:04) our life but I guess some people who are (00:07:06) listening to that will think well I (00:07:07) can't stop because I've got a mortgage (00:07:08) to pay I've got bills to pay I've got (00:07:10) responsibilities I I have no time to (00:07:12) even think about that and also there's (00:07:14) this other group of people who maybe (00:07:16) feel the frustration and the jealousy (00:07:18) and the the rage that kind of drives you (00:07:20) and me to some (00:07:21) degree but for some reason even though (00:07:24) they know every fiber in their body (00:07:26) knows that this is not the situation for (00:07:27) them this is the wrong relationship (00:07:29) wrong job wrong C wrong friendship group (00:07:32) they still for some reason just can't (00:07:34) take that step into (00:07:35) uncertainty uhhuh which is I think most (00:07:38) people probably yes I I I almost believe (00:07:41) that people don't (00:07:43) have a signal problem I they we all feel (00:07:46) the same signal but they have a problem (00:07:49) with acting on the signal because (00:07:50) correct so I personally believe that we (00:07:54) are all born the second you come out and (00:07:58) into this world you are hard hardwired (00:08:00) with this natural intelligence that is (00:08:02) your own personal inner compass and that (00:08:06) it is tuned into what is unique to you (00:08:09) it is constantly programmed by the (00:08:11) experiences of your life but it is (00:08:14) always signaling toward what is uniquely (00:08:17) aligned for you if you just accept the (00:08:21) premise that we are energetic human (00:08:23) beings that we give off energy we (00:08:26) receive energy we've all had the (00:08:29) experience where you walk into a like a (00:08:31) retail store and all of a sudden (00:08:33) something feels off that is the compass (00:08:37) I'm talking about signaling to you based (00:08:39) on your experience based on your DNA (00:08:41) based on the generational wisdom that is (00:08:44) passed down through your ancestors that (00:08:46) there is something there for you to pay (00:08:48) attention to the problem is not what (00:08:52) your inner Compass is telling you and (00:08:56) the problem is that you won't listen to (00:09:00) it and I can prove it because if you (00:09:03) have somebody that comes up to you and (00:09:05) says oh man I've been in this (00:09:06) relationship and that relationship and (00:09:08) the other thing and I'm just unlucky and (00:09:10) love and I can't trust myself and I (00:09:11) don't da da da da da da da da I always (00:09:13) say to somebody (00:09:16) stop it's not that you can't trust (00:09:19) yourself because your instincts have (00:09:22) always been right I want you to go back (00:09:24) through the five or six horrible (00:09:27) relationships that you just had and I (00:09:29) want you to look backwards and the (00:09:31) fastest way to do this is look back (00:09:33) through your photos and that'll take you (00:09:35) back on the timeline and that'll remind (00:09:36) you of all this stuff and I want you to (00:09:38) look at your face and I want you to just (00:09:40) be honest with yourself when did you (00:09:42) know this wasn't working and you will (00:09:45) always have somebody admit that they (00:09:47) knew seven years before the divorce they (00:09:50) knew a year before the breakup they knew (00:09:52) before they even hooked up with the (00:09:53) person the first time that this was (00:09:55) probably not the right thing because it (00:09:56) felt a little off but it was confusing (00:09:58) because you know you've got all the (00:10:00) like Rush of the adrenaline and the (00:10:01) attraction and all the hormones and all (00:10:03) that stuff but deep down inside if you (00:10:04) got really quiet you knew that this was (00:10:08) not the right decision for you and so (00:10:11) the issue isn't the accuracy of your (00:10:14) inner wisdom the issue is your courage (00:10:17) and following it because following your (00:10:21) inner wisdom and making decisions that (00:10:23) are aligned with what you are meant to (00:10:26) do in your life the kind of people (00:10:28) you're supposed to be with right now (00:10:30) the kind of support that you need the (00:10:32) things that are interesting to you it (00:10:34) always requires you to do something (00:10:36) different than what you're doing now the (00:10:39) problem is if it requires you to do (00:10:42) something new what's also going to (00:10:45) happen is you're going to have a fear (00:10:47) response and we mistake those moments of (00:10:51) change or those moments where you're (00:10:53) going to try something new the moments (00:10:55) of vulnerability the moments where (00:10:56) you're going to risk a little the (00:10:58) moments that require courage (00:11:00) we mistake the very natural response to (00:11:03) change which is a little moment of (00:11:05) feeling alarmed with your intuition (00:11:08) being wrong and so one way that you can (00:11:11) tell the difference is the feeling of (00:11:14) the decision if the decision is the (00:11:17) right decision in terms of a decision (00:11:19) that is aligned with who you are and (00:11:23) your soul and your DNA and just this (00:11:25) deep wisdom inside you even if it's (00:11:28) scary you will feel a sense of (00:11:32) expansion you will feel like something (00:11:34) is growing that there is (00:11:37) possibility even though you're nervous (00:11:39) about it even though you're not quite (00:11:42) sure where you're going to go if the (00:11:45) decision is wrong when you get quiet and (00:11:49) you drop in you will feel a sense of (00:11:52) shrinking you'll feel constrained you'll (00:11:56) feel a little depleted in your energy (00:11:59) and we often mistake that kind of (00:12:02) nervousness that you feel before you (00:12:04) make a decision to quit your job or a (00:12:07) decision you know what I'm gonna get Ser (00:12:08) about serious about my finances I'm (00:12:10) gonna stop going out to the bar on the (00:12:12) weekends and and I'm gonna commit to (00:12:15) listening to this podcast two hours (00:12:17) every weekend to start learning and (00:12:18) start mastering skills and to literally (00:12:20) put these things that I want first now (00:12:23) on Friday night when your buddies (00:12:24) calling like Hey we're going down to the (00:12:25) pub you want to (00:12:27) come when you are about to say (00:12:30) no you're going to feel that rise up (00:12:34) because you've never done this before (00:12:35) you always go and you know you're going (00:12:36) to get blowback but if you get really (00:12:38) quiet and you drop in and you ask (00:12:40) yourself (00:12:42) okay if I were to go to the bar tonight (00:12:45) does that feel like something (00:12:47) expansive or does that feel like (00:12:50) something that's shrinking me a little (00:12:53) bit and you'll know the right answer for (00:12:55) you and that's a tool that I have used (00:12:58) over and over and over again in my life (00:13:01) to know what to do it doesn't answer (00:13:06) how it doesn't answer when it answers (00:13:12) what there's a quote I heard many years (00:13:14) ago I think almost a decade ago which (00:13:15) stayed with me because I tried to (00:13:18) understand why sometimes it seems like (00:13:20) people need a little bit more pain (00:13:22) before they make a change and the quote (00:13:24) is change happens when the pain of (00:13:26) staying the same becomes greater than (00:13:28) the pain of making a change and I (00:13:30) sometimes this sounds like a crazy thing (00:13:31) to say but I sometimes see people in (00:13:33) certain situations where they're (00:13:34) debating making a change or getting that (00:13:36) gym membership or breaking out of a (00:13:38) cycle that they've has kept them trapped (00:13:40) in a situation which has made made them (00:13:42) unhappy and it appears that they just (00:13:44) need a little bit more pain what you're (00:13:46) talking about is a fundamental fact and (00:13:50) that is you cannot change another person (00:13:54) people only change when they're ready to (00:13:57) change and if what it requires is more (00:14:00) pain or hitting a rock bottom or the (00:14:03) stakes becoming so (00:14:05) high that somebody sees the cost of (00:14:09) continuing to self-sabotage or to go on (00:14:14) the path that they're going (00:14:16) down that for some people is the only (00:14:19) moment in time where they (00:14:23) see that they want things to be (00:14:27) different and you can't want somebody's (00:14:31) sobriety or their healing or their (00:14:34) Financial Freedom more than they do (00:14:37) because at the very bottom we learn I (00:14:38) guess we learned two things as you said (00:14:40) there the cost of continuing but also (00:14:42) the reward of change has is never (00:14:44) greater when you're at the very bottom (00:14:45) of the mountain it's like the cost of (00:14:47) continuing down here plus also the (00:14:49) reward of me climbing that mountain are (00:14:51) at maximum yeah and look you know we're (00:14:55) having an intellectual conversation and (00:14:57) you know the fact is it's really hard to (00:14:58) change yeah if it were easy to develop (00:15:01) great habits or change your mindset and (00:15:03) it could happen like that everybody (00:15:05) would have six-pack abs everybody would (00:15:07) have four companies like you do (00:15:09) everybody would have a hit podcast (00:15:11) everybody would have their dreams come (00:15:13) true and it is very difficult to change (00:15:17) because we are hardwired to spot (00:15:20) patterns that seem similar and to repeat (00:15:22) them and so I do think it's important to (00:15:25) say that if you're struggling if you're (00:15:28) frustrated with yourself if you're at (00:15:30) that point where you're so sick of (00:15:34) yourself and your excuses I've been (00:15:38) there Steven's been there this is a (00:15:40) normal part of the human experience and (00:15:43) at some point either the pain is going (00:15:46) to get big enough or you're going to (00:15:50) bump into somebody's story somewhere on (00:15:53) this planet who has been in the position (00:15:55) that you're in right now facing the (00:15:57) stuff that you're facing right now and (00:15:59) there is something about their story at (00:16:02) this exact moment in time that will (00:16:04) ignite something in you that is missing (00:16:06) and what is missing in you right now is (00:16:08) Hope because when you're stuck and when (00:16:11) you are on a Down Road spiral whether (00:16:14) it's just in your own head or it's in (00:16:16) self-destructive Behavior the thing (00:16:18) that's missing in your life is hope you (00:16:20) don't believe right now that anything is (00:16:22) going to make a difference and so until (00:16:25) you get to the point where you just hate (00:16:28) what you're doing so much that it's (00:16:29) worth (00:16:30) trying or you have somebody crack open a (00:16:34) door and just a little light comes in (00:16:37) and you have this moment where you go (00:16:40) well what (00:16:41) if what if this is the time sobriety (00:16:45) sticks what if I go to therapy and I (00:16:48) actually do change the way that I think (00:16:52) what if I could recover from this (00:16:55) narcissistic abuse that I've you know (00:16:58) been kind struggling with after that (00:17:00) relationship or that marriage what if I (00:17:03) could get out of debt if that person did (00:17:06) maybe I could do it and without either (00:17:10) hope or that kind of rock bottom moment (00:17:15) I don't think you're going to change can (00:17:17) you tell the difference between someone (00:17:18) who is likely to change and someone who (00:17:20) isn't because there must be so many (00:17:21) people that message you and they present (00:17:23) a facade as if they have had that (00:17:25) realization and they're about to change (00:17:26) Mel I'm about to start that business (00:17:28) thank you so much for everything you've (00:17:29) done and you look in their eyes and you (00:17:31) go and you go I don't believe a word he (00:17:32) was saying and then I'll tell you it's (00:17:35) it's that's a that's an energy thing I (00:17:37) mean you're somebody who invests in a (00:17:39) lot of people and I would imagine that (00:17:40) in addition to looking at the business (00:17:42) model you're actually looking at the (00:17:44) person and talk is (00:17:48) cheap like the kind of people that are (00:17:51) actually going to change will thank you (00:17:52) for the hope and thank you for a (00:17:56) specific piece of advice and then they (00:17:58) are mov moving so fast out that door (00:18:01) because they realize that change doesn't (00:18:03) happen overnight it doesn't happen with (00:18:06) one Insight it is tedious it is painful (00:18:10) it is lonely because it is a game of (00:18:14) just moving the ball down the field Inch (00:18:18) by Inch by Inch it's not glamorous it's (00:18:23) lonely as you start changing everything (00:18:26) around you starts changing people around (00:18:28) you like it just it's not even fun in (00:18:32) the beginning and so you'd either have (00:18:34) to have an incredible amount of Hope or (00:18:36) a ridiculous amount of inspiration and (00:18:39) delusion or you have to be in so much (00:18:42) pain that the alternative to continuing (00:18:46) this pain that you're in is to try (00:18:48) something different because it's the (00:18:50) only thing that might be slightly less (00:18:51) painful than what you're doing you get (00:18:53) to that point where you know I call it (00:18:55) the [ __ ] it like this is bad so [ __ ] it (00:18:58) let's try something else like I you know (00:19:02) and so I I I really believe that and I I (00:19:06) think people you can't tell who's going (00:19:08) to change because it's a it's a long (00:19:11) game is there anything that breaks your (00:19:13) heart about what you do for all the (00:19:16) upsides of it for oh my God yes (00:19:19) yeah what really breaks my heart is how (00:19:22) stuck people (00:19:23) are and that there are things you can do (00:19:29) do to change your life for the better (00:19:32) and if you don't have (00:19:35) hope and you don't have this (00:19:39) breakthrough where you have for just a (00:19:42) millisecond this Insight where you go (00:19:44) well what if things did work (00:19:46) out if you don't have that moment most (00:19:51) people stay so stuck in (00:19:54) resignation and actually that's one of (00:19:55) the things that really um I'm so curious (00:19:59) about with you because I like you talk (00:20:03) to so many people and have so many (00:20:04) people writing in and um the number of (00:20:09) people that are living their life at 40 (00:20:13) or 50 or 60 and they are defined by the (00:20:17) trauma that happened in their childhood (00:20:19) and that's not to say that the trauma (00:20:21) wasn't profound or wasn't impactful and (00:20:24) having experienced childhood trauma of (00:20:26) my own that I didn't discover until (00:20:29) later in life I I I I find it so (00:20:34) sad that so many people just don't (00:20:38) know that they're stuck in patterns of (00:20:42) abuse or patterns of thinking that they (00:20:45) can change and if you're not aware that (00:20:48) you're stuck in something there's no way (00:20:50) you can change it and so it makes me (00:20:53) extremely sad that there are um so many (00:20:57) people that are not not aware of how (00:21:00) much better and how much more present (00:21:02) and how much more joy they could (00:21:04) experience in their life is much of that (00:21:07) identity like the identity the stories (00:21:10) the stories we tell ourselves about (00:21:12) oursel sort of circulates around us it (00:21:14) becomes this instruction manual for (00:21:16) everything we do believe and think of (00:21:17) ourselves and that is ultimately like (00:21:19) the story of Steven Bartlett that I have (00:21:20) authored based on everything I (00:21:22) interpreted that happened in my life (00:21:24) things happen I write a new line into (00:21:25) myself story about who Steve B is (00:21:27) because of that and then I use as my (00:21:29) instruction manual for forward sort of (00:21:31) facing Behavior I think one of the most (00:21:33) interesting experts to talk to about (00:21:34) that topic is I think his first name is (00:21:36) Paul Dr Paul Ki from Stanford I know his (00:21:39) his last name is Dr Ki um but I just (00:21:42) interviewed him for our podcast and his (00:21:45) work is all on the inner voice and the (00:21:48) subconscious and that there is (00:21:52) this narrative that you have that you (00:21:56) may not even be aware is talking to you (00:21:59) all the time and when you start to turn (00:22:02) toward what that self-critic is saying (00:22:06) you know you're never good enough why'd (00:22:07) you screw that up and you start to (00:22:10) examine what it's telling you it would (00:22:13) be as if I was walking behind you (00:22:16) Stephen all day long going boy you (00:22:18) really suck and you blew that and my God (00:22:20) you're never going to amount to anything (00:22:21) and you're going to be alone and you're (00:22:23) going to do this and it's not and and we (00:22:25) do it to ourselves and so yes your selft (00:22:29) talk which is probably buried somewhere (00:22:31) very deep this is not my area of (00:22:33) expertise in terms of Psychiatry or (00:22:35) Neuroscience but we just interviewed (00:22:37) them and it was fascinating is informing (00:22:41) what you think about yourself and of (00:22:43) course what you think about yourself (00:22:45) then drives the things that you do is it (00:22:47) thought driven or behavior driven is it (00:22:49) nervous system driven first is it (00:22:50) subconscious driven first here's what I (00:22:53) know I know that (00:22:56) until you make a decision (00:22:59) that you no longer want to feel how you (00:23:01) feel or you no longer want to think the (00:23:03) way that you think or you no longer want (00:23:06) to have the kind of results or no (00:23:08) results that you have until you make (00:23:11) that decision that you know what I know (00:23:13) I don't feel great I know I doubt myself (00:23:15) I know I've had a lot of bad things (00:23:17) happen I know there's a lot that I (00:23:18) regret but damn it with the time that I (00:23:21) have left in my (00:23:23) life I really want to start to enjoy (00:23:26) myself I want to take better care care (00:23:29) of myself I want to feel happy you don't (00:23:32) even have to believe you deserve it yet (00:23:34) you can just want it you've got to start (00:23:37) there you've got to start with wanting (00:23:40) something better for yourself and then I (00:23:43) personally think the most important (00:23:45) thing is to start (00:23:48) acting like the person who has the (00:23:51) things that you want right now even (00:23:53) though you don't feel like it and the (00:23:55) reason why I personally prefer to (00:23:59) hack this change of going okay I want to (00:24:05) um like here's here's something that I (00:24:07) am working on right now so I'm 55 years (00:24:09) old I'm in the middle of menopause it's (00:24:11) a complete Nightmare and uh I feel as (00:24:15) out of control with my body as I did (00:24:17) when I was pregnant with one of our (00:24:19) three kids like everything's changing (00:24:21) it's really confusing to figure out (00:24:23) what's going on the um I could go on and (00:24:26) on and on about this as as somebody in (00:24:29) the middle of it trying to figure out (00:24:31) what to do around my changing hormones (00:24:34) and how to get better control of my (00:24:37) health and so what do I do I feel a (00:24:39) little discouraged right now I don't (00:24:41) really know what to do I just know I (00:24:43) don't like how my body is feeling and (00:24:45) how it's changing and so I make a (00:24:48) decision and a commitment to myself that (00:24:49) I want to feel better I want to (00:24:51) understand this and so that decision is (00:24:54) super important because without deciding (00:24:56) that I want to do something I'm not (00:24:57) doing anything and then I start to study (00:25:02) all of the experts and what people have (00:25:04) to say about this topic of hormone (00:25:06) balance and gut health and Women's (00:25:08) Health and how to uh regulate your (00:25:12) hormones naturally and what to like (00:25:15) there's just so much information out (00:25:16) there and then I make a decision okay (00:25:18) well what are the two or three things (00:25:19) that I'm going to do and then I start (00:25:21) doing it and I wake up every day and I (00:25:25) do those things even if I don't feel (00:25:26) like it even if my self self talk is (00:25:29) pretty poor and here's what happens over (00:25:32) time for me personally is if I see (00:25:34) myself taking actions consistent with (00:25:36) somebody who exercises or somebody who (00:25:39) is taking care of her Hormone Health or (00:25:41) somebody who uh is not drinking or (00:25:44) somebody who is writing a book if I see (00:25:45) myself taking those actions it changes (00:25:49) the way that I look at myself the action (00:25:52) first approach is what I personally (00:25:55) believe in because I think it works (00:25:57) faster every everybody that hears you (00:25:59) saying that and everybody who sees (00:26:00) people be disciplined in that way the (00:26:03) illusion is that they're just profoundly (00:26:05) motivated oh my God no no I I think (00:26:09) motivation is garbage I mean I um and I (00:26:13) always thought that was funny given that (00:26:15) I was a motivational speaker for a long (00:26:18) time and here I think it's garbage and (00:26:20) the reason why I think motivation is (00:26:21) garbage is because it's not there when (00:26:22) you need (00:26:24) it and I don't rely on (00:26:29) motivation I do not expect to feel (00:26:32) motivated I do not expect to feel like (00:26:35) doing things and I make myself do them (00:26:39) that does not mean by the way that I (00:26:41) have great willpower that does not mean (00:26:43) that I consider myself to be a (00:26:45) disciplined person that means that I (00:26:50) understand the (00:26:51) biology of how most human beings work (00:26:55) and the biology of how most human beings (00:26:58) work is that you feel a sensation in (00:27:02) your body so let's just take an example (00:27:03) like getting out of bed okay the you set (00:27:06) the alarm the night before I know you (00:27:07) don't but most normal human beings set (00:27:10) the alarm the night before and when the (00:27:13) alarm goes (00:27:14) off you're going to get out of bed right (00:27:17) I mean that's how it's supposed to work (00:27:19) because when you set the alarm the night (00:27:20) before you're setting it for a time (00:27:22) where you're basically supposed to get (00:27:24) up so you are making a promise to your (00:27:27) future self in the morning that you're (00:27:29) going to get out of bed well what (00:27:30) happens all kinds of things happen you (00:27:33) go to bed the alarm rings and the first (00:27:36) thing that you feel is a sensation and (00:27:38) for me the Sensation that I always feel (00:27:41) in my body is something that I would (00:27:43) call I don't know if it's the cortisol I (00:27:46) I don't know if it's partying I don't (00:27:47) know if it's menopause I don't know if (00:27:49) it's the fact that I have a fabulous bed (00:27:52) and my husband's next to me and I don't (00:27:54) want to get out of it I don't know if (00:27:55) it's the fact that it I live in southern (00:27:57) Vermont and it's free like I don't know (00:27:59) but the first sensation (00:28:02) is then perception so sensation (00:28:05) perception then feeling then thought (00:28:08) then action that is the biological chain (00:28:11) of events that happens in a (00:28:14) nanc and I know that this is what's (00:28:17) happening so I have the (00:28:20) feeling I then have the perception (00:28:23) happen which is I look around it's dark (00:28:25) Chris is next to me I then have an (00:28:27) emotion about it overwhelm frustration (00:28:31) like you know usually something negative (00:28:34) then I have a thought which is I don't (00:28:36) want to get out of (00:28:37) bed and that for years would trigger the (00:28:40) action I would take and what most of us (00:28:42) I certainly didn't understand that (00:28:45) sensation perception feeling or emotion (00:28:48) thinking and then action is the chain of (00:28:52) events that is how you're (00:28:55) hardwired this is how it works body keep (00:28:57) like this is how it works it wasn't (00:29:00) until I understood that holy cow if I (00:29:04) don't reverse the (00:29:06) chain my sensation my perception my (00:29:10) emotions about things and my thinking (00:29:12) all four or five of those things (00:29:14) actually precede what action I take and (00:29:17) I'm not in control of what I'm doing my (00:29:19) emotions and my Sensations and my trauma (00:29:22) and like all of the stuff that has been (00:29:25) running on like autopilot forever that (00:29:28) is controlling who Mel Robbins is and at (00:29:31) some point if that's working for you (00:29:33) fantastic if there's an area of your (00:29:35) life that you're not happy in then you (00:29:38) got to reverse the order or I guess or (00:29:42) and you can go to therapy for months and (00:29:44) months and months and do the work and (00:29:46) slowly but surely you will change the (00:29:49) way that you think which also helps but (00:29:52) I find that understanding that that is (00:29:54) the chain of events and for those of us (00:29:57) that have any kind of of childhood (00:29:59) trauma where sensation is the first (00:30:02) thing that you feel that then triggers (00:30:04) that whole pathway or you have any kind (00:30:07) of anxiety again sensation of the alarm (00:30:11) that then triggers a whole pathway of (00:30:12) action and (00:30:14) reaction this is one of the reasons why (00:30:16) you feel out of control it's because the (00:30:19) sensation and the wiring in your body is (00:30:22) actually triggering this chain reaction (00:30:24) and you don't even realize it it's why (00:30:26) avoiding things or freezing has become (00:30:29) your default response to everything (00:30:31) because every sensation triggers the (00:30:32) exact same thing which leads to an (00:30:34) action of avoidance and the way around (00:30:36) that is to flip that and start with (00:30:38) making taking better actions regardless (00:30:40) there's two ways around it one is to (00:30:42) work with a licensed therapist who can (00:30:46) help you do the deeper work (00:30:50) of understanding yourself and (00:30:53) understanding your default thinking (00:30:56) patterns and doing the work to challenge (00:30:59) those assumptions and change the way (00:31:01) that you (00:31:02) think that absolutely works if you will (00:31:05) commit to the process of doing (00:31:08) it the second way and you can do these (00:31:11) together certainly how I did it is to (00:31:14) look at your behaviors and understand (00:31:16) that there is this chain of this there (00:31:19) is this order that happens in your body (00:31:22) and reverse it take a behavior first (00:31:25) approach what if if you want to get in (00:31:27) better shape what is somebody do who is (00:31:30) in the kind of shape that you want to be (00:31:32) in ask yourself what the behavior is (00:31:35) because I'll tell you the reason why (00:31:36) you're not taking those behaviors is (00:31:38) because this chain of events in your (00:31:41) body from Sensation to perception to (00:31:43) feeling and emotion to thinking is (00:31:47) constantly telling you I don't feel like (00:31:48) it I don't want to it's not going to (00:31:50) work anyway I'm gonna eat that thing (00:31:51) yeah I'm gonna eat that thing I'll do it (00:31:54) tomorrow and you can reverse it it's (00:31:57) funny because everyone (00:31:58) knows how I well I believe I believe 99% (00:32:02) of people know how they should behave to (00:32:04) become the person they want to become (00:32:06) they know they probably shouldn't have (00:32:07) that I don't know bowl of ice cream at 2 (00:32:10) a.m. in the morning right they know that (00:32:11) they probably should get up in the (00:32:12) morning and run for 5 kilometers they (00:32:14) know they probably should check in with (00:32:15) their friends and family they probably (00:32:17) etc etc etc um but here's the thing (00:32:21) you're not making your behavior (00:32:23) decisions with your brain you're making (00:32:25) them with the sensation in your body if (00:32:27) you don't feel like doing it you don't (00:32:28) do it see before it even gets up here (00:32:31) you feel it in here and this was the (00:32:33) thing that was revelatory for me it's (00:32:35) like oh my God like my emotions drive my (00:32:38) entire life and that's why I feel out of (00:32:41) control and that's why I'm frustrated (00:32:42) with myself and that's why I can talk (00:32:44) till I'm bleue in the face about what I (00:32:45) need to do and what I should do and what (00:32:47) this and what that but when push comes (00:32:49) to shove if I don't feel like doing it (00:32:51) or I'm scared or I'm this or I'm that I (00:32:53) don't do it that means my emotions and (00:32:56) the sensations in my body and and the (00:32:58) patterns that have been hardwired for a (00:33:00) long time and the coping mechanisms that (00:33:03) just run on autopilot that's what's (00:33:06) driving you it's not up here so we've (00:33:09) broken our cycle who has well I don't (00:33:12) know I I I dude I wake up every I still (00:33:15) I know all this and this is the other (00:33:17) like I think is a really important thing (00:33:19) for you to hear not you Stephen but (00:33:21) everybody watching and listening to us (00:33:23) and that is that I I personally feel (00:33:27) like it's important understand that you (00:33:29) may never like the things you need to do (00:33:32) and you can still do (00:33:33) them like I I I will never like getting (00:33:37) out of (00:33:38) bed and I still get out of bed when the (00:33:41) alarm rings I don't like emptying the (00:33:43) dishwasher and I still do it I don't (00:33:46) like exercising I still do it I don't (00:33:48) like eating healthy a lot of the times I (00:33:50) still do it I don't (00:33:53) like taking a breath and centering (00:33:56) myself (00:33:59) when I really when I just scream at my (00:34:02) husband and I still do it because I let (00:34:08) my (00:34:09) emotions and my anxiety and my trauma (00:34:12) responses and my fears run my life for (00:34:15) far too long and I would rather be in (00:34:20) the (00:34:21) daily I don't know if you call it a (00:34:23) battle or you just call it I'm just in a (00:34:25) daily dance with myself to to constantly (00:34:28) come back (00:34:30) to alignment and peace and showing up as (00:34:35) the kind of person that I want to be (00:34:37) rather than how I may feel in the (00:34:41) moment one of the things I did want to (00:34:43) speak to you about is about how we know (00:34:45) what we want and how we set set goals (00:34:48) again we're we're in that part of the (00:34:49) year now where everybody's thinking you (00:34:51) know we've talked a little bit about how (00:34:52) one changes themselves but then even (00:34:54) knowing what direction to aim at is a (00:34:56) whole challenge in and of itself how do (00:34:58) one know at 30 years old in my (00:35:00) life what (00:35:02) real goals I should be aiming at because (00:35:05) part of the concern I've had is I wonder (00:35:07) if I'm driven or being dragged and what (00:35:10) do you think don't know I don't really (00:35:12) know the difference [ __ ] you know no (00:35:14) I don't you are the most driven person I (00:35:17) know why why I don't know I'm gonna ask (00:35:20) you just give me this part for my (00:35:24) interview well this is something why why (00:35:26) are you the most driven person I know (00:35:28) why are you me yeah um well I think I (00:35:32) was out running something for a very (00:35:33) long time sounds like being dragged is (00:35:35) it I I genuinely have sat here with (00:35:38) hundreds of people and every single time (00:35:40) they explain their motivation to me I go (00:35:41) sounds like you're being dragged by (00:35:43) shame your father's opinion of you (00:35:46) insecurity whatever like the AR that's a (00:35:49) negative way to say it I mean I feel (00:35:50) like that's why people don't like it (00:35:53) they sound powerless they sound like (00:35:55) they're attached to the back of the Lor (00:35:56) and it's flying down the motorway well (00:35:59) if you recognize that's what it is you (00:36:01) suddenly become powerful yeah and you (00:36:03) can drive yes yeah so for me if I put it (00:36:08) through the lens of like the bad things (00:36:11) that happened it would probably be (00:36:14) um uh just like outrunning like a (00:36:17) psychiatrist once said to me it's very (00:36:19) interesting to me that when this you (00:36:22) know incident happened in the fourth (00:36:24) grade and this kid climbed on top of you (00:36:26) while you were sleeping you are in a (00:36:28) state when you're sleeping where you are (00:36:32) completely supposedly safe and so I'm (00:36:36) not sure Mel your nervous system ever (00:36:38) reset back to a place of feeling safe (00:36:41) and then the hypervigilance of having (00:36:43) you know care caregiver who was always (00:36:46) kind of very erratic with their (00:36:48) personality also made me feel always on (00:36:52) the Move always on the Move always on (00:36:53) the move you know if you're on the move (00:36:55) nobody can catch you and so slow down if (00:36:58) you put it in that context becomes (00:37:01) unsafe (00:37:03) right however if you look at a lot of (00:37:06) our experiences growing up most of us (00:37:08) get a lot of positive attention when we (00:37:10) achieve and so we become whether you (00:37:13) want to say driven or dragged it's (00:37:15) probably just a matter of whether or not (00:37:18) you're in control of it a lot of us are (00:37:21) driven by the desire to want to feel (00:37:23) seen the desire to feel loved the desire (00:37:27) to get get the accolades which is why so (00:37:30) many of us feel driven to achieve (00:37:33) because it's tied into a sense of (00:37:35) selfworth it's tied into a sense of uh (00:37:39) being loved being (00:37:41) seen for me um I think I was probably to (00:37:45) use your words dragged since I wasn't in (00:37:48) control of it um but more and more I (00:37:52) feel profoundly driven I often think (00:37:55) people need to be dragged to a place (00:37:57) where they realized that it's failed (00:37:59) them that something has failed them for (00:38:01) them to then take stock and decide to (00:38:02) become a little bit more intentional and (00:38:04) to take hold of the steering wheel cuz (00:38:06) in my situation I was 100% dragged to (00:38:08) thinking that I needed a million pounds (00:38:09) a six-pack a girlfriend and a range over (00:38:11) Sport and then upon getting those things (00:38:13) it was like almost a bit of an (00:38:14) existential crisis like what the [ __ ] am (00:38:15) I doing here right what failed me and (00:38:17) why did I come to this part and then in (00:38:19) that moment I could really take stock of (00:38:20) what my own intrinsic drivers were and (00:38:23) then do things a little bit more (00:38:24) intentionally um and aligned with (00:38:28) disassociated from the thought that any (00:38:30) of these things would validate me at (00:38:31) some deeper level I think a lot of (00:38:34) this that we're talking about isn't (00:38:37) conscious decisions that anybody's (00:38:40) making that there is so much (00:38:43) conditioning and programming that (00:38:45) happens that we are unaware of as we're (00:38:47) growing up and as we're moving through (00:38:50) young adulthood that you don't even (00:38:52) realize how much you avoid stuff or how (00:38:55) much you're coping by being busy or (00:38:57) you're coping by drinking too much or (00:39:00) you're chasing stuff because you feel a (00:39:02) deep sense of self-loathing and that (00:39:05) most of the decisions at least this is (00:39:08) for me were all reactions just again (00:39:12) like just trying to do the best that I (00:39:14) can but not really in control of (00:39:16) anything and (00:39:18) until I really believe this until you (00:39:20) can drop into your (00:39:23) body (00:39:24) and just calm down your nervous system (00:39:29) and not be revving that internal engine (00:39:32) so much but to be able to just I I this (00:39:34) is not a technical term I feel like I've (00:39:37) smoothed out my nervous (00:39:40) system by doing traditional talk therapy (00:39:43) guided MDMA therapy with my husband um (00:39:48) EMDR uh all of the behavioral activation (00:39:53) therapy which is kind of leading with a (00:39:56) behavior first approach and start acting (00:39:58) like the person you want to be let them (00:40:02) let them okay well I was so fascinated (00:40:05) by this Theory this let them Theory (00:40:07) which is kind of a behavioral technique (00:40:10) I guess would you describe it as a (00:40:11) behavioral Technique No what is it so (00:40:15) the let them (00:40:16) theory is based on a simple (00:40:20) truth the fastest (00:40:23) way to take control of your life is to (00:40:27) stop stop controlling everyone around (00:40:32) you you have no idea how much time and (00:40:36) energy and (00:40:37) attention you are (00:40:40) wasting trying to control other people (00:40:43) you have no idea how much energy you are (00:40:46) burning through thinking about worrying (00:40:50) about obsessing about what other people (00:40:53) are doing what they're not doing what (00:40:56) they're feel feeling all of which you (00:40:59) have zero control (00:41:02) over and so the let them theory is this (00:41:06) simple theory that I credit my daughter (00:41:08) with teaching (00:41:10) me uh that has created so much peace in (00:41:15) my life because like every other human (00:41:18) being on the planet I had no idea how (00:41:23) many (00:41:24) opinions how much frustration and (00:41:27) expectation (00:41:28) I had about what other people were doing (00:41:30) or what they should be doing like it's (00:41:32) just (00:41:34) unreal how obsessed we all are with (00:41:36) everybody else and what they should be (00:41:38) doing and what they're not doing and (00:41:41) when you start to use the let them (00:41:43) Theory you will (00:41:46) notice it's just (00:41:49) unbelievable how much you need to use it (00:41:52) there are exceptions I mean I can (00:41:54) explain a lot about this I'll I'll give (00:41:56) you the quick story about how I learned (00:41:58) it because I think it's very helpful so (00:41:59) it was our son's um Junior Prom so he's (00:42:02) a 11th grader in the states (00:42:06) and like most moms you know completely (00:42:10) obsessed about everything it's also my (00:42:12) son and this is his first prom and I had (00:42:15) had daughters so it was a totally (00:42:17) different circus with our daughters and (00:42:19) I thought that his would be drama free (00:42:22) because he's a guy but it actually (00:42:23) became more dramatic because he doesn't (00:42:25) say anything and so everything think (00:42:27) Steven was a last minute scramble right (00:42:29) like from getting the tux to he needed (00:42:31) to have these certain Stan Smith Adidas (00:42:33) sneakers and we had to overnight those (00:42:35) to the fact that he was just going to go (00:42:37) with his friends and then all of a (00:42:38) sudden he asked a date and then she (00:42:39) wants a butiner she doesn't want a bout (00:42:41) iner and then we're going to the pre and (00:42:43) every step of the way I had internal (00:42:47) opinion why does (00:42:49) he so we get to the pre-prom photo party (00:42:53) that's a lot of peas and our daughter (00:42:55) happened to be uh home from college and (00:42:59) so she was there for the (00:43:01) weekend and all of a sudden it starts to (00:43:05) rain out of nowhere and by rain I mean a (00:43:08) hail storm it is raining sideways and I (00:43:11) realize none of these kids have (00:43:13) umbrellas none of these kids are (00:43:15) prepared for this and so I turned to our (00:43:17) son and I'm like Oak where are you guys (00:43:18) going for dinner and he's like well I (00:43:20) don't know and I turned towards my (00:43:22) husband I'm like they don't have plans (00:43:24) for dinner what do you mean they didn't (00:43:26) make a reservation for the prom and so I (00:43:27) start to get all worked up and now all (00:43:30) the other parents are like wait you (00:43:31) didn't make do you want me to call the (00:43:32) in would you guys want us to order (00:43:33) pizzas and the ramp up is happening and (00:43:37) I start to jump in and my daughter grabs (00:43:41) my arm and she says let them just let (00:43:45) them do what they want and Oak yells (00:43:47) over and says hey Mom I think we're (00:43:48) going to go to this uh Taco thing now (00:43:51) the taco place that they were going to (00:43:53) Stephen is like the size of this table (00:43:56) there are 20 kids it is hailing outside (00:43:59) they are dressed to the nines and I (00:44:02) could feel that volcano of control (00:44:04) coming up like you can't go to the taco (00:44:06) place you're in a tux and you got the (00:44:08) new sneakers and she her dress is going (00:44:09) to get ruined and you don't even have an (00:44:10) umbrella what are you thinking and (00:44:12) Kendall has my arm she's like let them (00:44:15) if they want to go to a taco stand in (00:44:17) the pouring rain and ruin their dress (00:44:19) let them it's their problem not (00:44:23) yours and as she said it I started just (00:44:26) repeating those words even let them let (00:44:28) them go to the Taco Stand let them let (00:44:31) him ruin his shoes who (00:44:32) cares let let him do what he wants to do (00:44:36) why am I worried about what he's doing (00:44:38) why am I not worried about where I'm (00:44:39) going to have dinner and so it was just (00:44:42) this moment and it immediately kind of (00:44:45) unhooked me and then from that point (00:44:49) forward I just noticed a million (00:44:52) situations sitting at the restaurant (00:44:53) that night and the waiter is busy with (00:44:55) other stuff and they're not coming to (00:44:56) the table how does everybody feel when (00:44:58) that (00:45:00) happens let them let them be (00:45:03) busy let them take care of the other (00:45:05) table standing in line and people I (00:45:08) don't know what it is about the world (00:45:09) today but people cannot stand in lines (00:45:12) fidgeting and this and that and the (00:45:13) other thing and the person is letting in (00:45:15) people from that line and they're not (00:45:16) letting in people from this line let (00:45:18) them let (00:45:20) them and some of the like really (00:45:24) important topics too like if your kid (00:45:27) wants to drop out of school you can say (00:45:30) what you need to say ultimately it's (00:45:33) their life let them what's going on (00:45:35) there at the heart of that is that just (00:45:37) a lowering of one's expectations so that (00:45:39) going back to the point we said about (00:45:40) expectations and happiness (00:45:43) we alleviate the chance of (00:45:45) disappointment and because we're just (00:45:47) let we're saying fine Let It Go like (00:45:50) what is that the very Crux of that on a (00:45:52) psychological level that's allowing us (00:45:53) to feel liberated from that stress and (00:45:55) need for control (00:45:57) what do you think it (00:45:59) is I think when we take on other (00:46:04) people's (00:46:05) problems um we create (00:46:09) expectation for them like in the case of (00:46:12) your son you had an expectation of what (00:46:13) his night would look like and where his (00:46:15) trainers and Tuck were going to go and (00:46:18) that unmet expectation is causing you (00:46:20) unnecessary suffering control stress (00:46:23) angst Vig V vigilance and just by saying (00:46:26) do you know what like I wish well you're (00:46:29) just cutting the cord of a whole another (00:46:31) stream of expectation that you (00:46:33) absolutely do not need you didn't need (00:46:35) to volunteer to make your yours and look (00:46:38) how much stress it created yeah and look (00:46:40) how much agit it created yeah so there's (00:46:43) so many things going on Stephen and (00:46:45) first of all I should also say there are (00:46:46) exceptions first of all you're not just (00:46:48) going to let your kids do whatever (00:46:50) they're going to do if you're a parent (00:46:51) because you're supposed to put the guard (00:46:54) rails up right but there is so much (00:46:58) controlling that we do in our lives of (00:47:01) other people and it is ruining your (00:47:03) relationships and a great example of a (00:47:05) way to use this is let's say that you (00:47:06) see that your friends are going out for (00:47:08) brunch this weekend they didn't invite (00:47:10) you happens all the time with my team (00:47:12) let them yeah let them yeah because (00:47:15) here's the thing that's really important (00:47:17) is it's really not about other people (00:47:19) see energetically you're hooking (00:47:20) yourself into other people because you (00:47:22) have an opinion about what they should (00:47:23) or shouldn't be doing and that opinion (00:47:26) is usually driven by your in security or (00:47:28) it's driven by your controlling nature (00:47:30) or it's driven by your anxiety or it's (00:47:31) driven by whatever it is that you may (00:47:34) have but once you get your energetic (00:47:36) hook into somebody else you've now just (00:47:38) lost control because you are now trying (00:47:40) to gain control of anything in your life (00:47:43) what your friends are doing for brunch (00:47:44) this weekend by focusing on them when (00:47:47) you say let them this is what's very (00:47:50) interesting it's very different than (00:47:51) saying I'm just going to let go I don't (00:47:53) give a hoot I don't care I baloney if (00:47:56) you're feeling a wave of energy about it (00:47:59) or emotion about it you do care because (00:48:01) the emotion is evidence that it is (00:48:03) impacting you and so most people (00:48:06) understand that you should just let it (00:48:07) go or you shouldn't care but they don't (00:48:09) know how when you say let them a couple (00:48:12) really interesting things happen number (00:48:13) one you acknowledge what's happening (00:48:15) which both acknowledges that your (00:48:17) friends are out to lunch without you and (00:48:18) it also acknowledges that it bothers you (00:48:22) and when you say let them you're (00:48:24) acknowledging the situation and you're (00:48:26) almost saying I'm above it and I'm (00:48:29) permitting this because I see it (00:48:32) happening and then something really (00:48:34) interesting happens because you're no (00:48:37) longer all worked up about what they're (00:48:39) doing you are forced to look back at (00:48:42) yourself let them if if my friends are (00:48:45) going out to brunch and they didn't (00:48:47) invite me and it bothers me that much (00:48:50) and I'm just going to let them do it (00:48:52) instead of sitting here stewing about (00:48:55) it what do I need to take responsibility (00:48:58) for you're toxic yes probably or I (00:49:02) didn't I don't ever invite anybody (00:49:04) out or if I want more experiences with (00:49:07) my friends I should be the one (00:49:08) organizing everybody to go out to brunch (00:49:11) or (00:49:12) maybe my friends can just go out and I (00:49:16) don't have to always be included and it (00:49:18) doesn't have to mean anything and maybe (00:49:20) I've got work to do with therapy and so (00:49:22) what happens is as you start to use let (00:49:25) them to lower your expectations to stop (00:49:29) focusing on other people and what (00:49:32) they're doing it forces you to take (00:49:34) responsibility for what you want in your (00:49:36) life linked to that was this thing that (00:49:38) I found which people just loved when you (00:49:41) said it which was you should stay in (00:49:43) your peace and stay in your power yes (00:49:45) and it sounds somewhat correlated to (00:49:47) that very much so so when you start (00:49:50) using it you will notice how often you (00:49:54) get agitated or frustrated by what other (00:49:58) people are (00:50:00) doing and it's strangers in a coffee (00:50:03) shop it's your (00:50:05) relatives it's like I we were just in a (00:50:08) situation this uh here here in the (00:50:10) states for Thanksgiving where we were (00:50:12) down visiting my parents and they're in (00:50:14) a place that's small so we had a place (00:50:17) that we had to rent so that we could all (00:50:18) kind of be together but it wasn't that (00:50:20) close and every time it was a moment (00:50:24) where it was are we going to their house (00:50:25) we going to our house and (00:50:28) somebody had an expectation about where (00:50:30) we should be normally the old Mel would (00:50:33) get hooked right into that person i' (00:50:36) just be like let (00:50:38) him that per the people in your life are (00:50:40) allowed to have their emotional (00:50:42) reactions and it's not your (00:50:43) responsibility to manage their emotional (00:50:46) reactions part of the reason why we get (00:50:48) hooked into these toxic Dynamics with (00:50:50) people because you're part of the (00:50:51) dynamic somebody does something that (00:50:54) triggers you you go right in you start (00:50:56) to change how you show up you start to (00:50:58) compensate you start to people please or (00:51:00) you get all mad and angry and next thing (00:51:02) you know it erupts and it's the same (00:51:03) thing over and over and over again and (00:51:06) you wonder why it never changes well (00:51:08) part of the reason why is that person's (00:51:10) never going to change you cannot control (00:51:12) that but you can change the energy (00:51:15) you're putting into the dynamic when you (00:51:17) were asked what was the worst advice you (00:51:19) ever given do you remember what you said (00:51:20) I do not what is it you said the worst (00:51:23) advice I was I've ever received is that (00:51:25) someone else can make you happy oh it's (00:51:27) so true it's so true money can't make (00:51:30) you happy someone else can't make you (00:51:33) happy and it's correlated to what you (00:51:35) were just saying there in a way it's (00:51:37) very correlated because a lot of us are (00:51:41) putting our energy into trying to push (00:51:44) other people to show up a certain (00:51:47) way when if you were to pull all that (00:51:50) energy (00:51:51) back and conserve it for (00:51:54) yourself you suddenly start taking (00:51:56) respons responsibility and you have more (00:51:58) energy to take the steps and to change (00:52:00) the way that you think so that you can (00:52:02) have what you want in your life and (00:52:03) there are exceptions look you're not (00:52:05) just going to let somebody get behind (00:52:06) the wheel of a car if they've been (00:52:08) drinking so if it's dangerous if it's (00:52:11) self-destructive it's if it's (00:52:13) discriminatory you have to step in in my (00:52:15) opinion and do something but here's the (00:52:18) rub hold the intervention with your (00:52:21) friend who is an addict offer to pay for (00:52:25) the treatment center if you can afford (00:52:26) to to do so but then you have to let (00:52:29) them do what they're going to (00:52:32) do it makes the responsibility of how (00:52:35) you show up entirely on you which means (00:52:37) you are now operating based on your (00:52:40) values and based on what you want in (00:52:42) your life and based on the kind of (00:52:44) person that you want to be not because (00:52:47) you're doing it out of obligation or (00:52:50) manipulation or that sort of (00:52:52) transactional nature that we get into (00:52:54) with people it seems to be both self and (00:52:57) selfless at the same time in a way I (00:52:59) don't think it's selfish at all really I (00:53:01) actually think it's one of the most (00:53:04) generous things you could (00:53:05) do how is not controlling other people a (00:53:10) selfish thing to do I'm not saying I (00:53:12) don't (00:53:13) care I'm saying I'm aware that you are a (00:53:17) independent human being with his own (00:53:20) feelings and his own life path and his (00:53:22) own values and (00:53:25) expectations and when I step in and try (00:53:27) to fix everything for you or change how (00:53:29) you feel I actually rob you of both the (00:53:33) breakdowns that you need I rob you of (00:53:35) the responsibility that you need to take (00:53:38) and I don't own the part of the equation (00:53:42) in every relationship every relationship (00:53:44) has an energetic exchange I do (00:53:47) something and now you are going to react (00:53:50) and are you going to react based on (00:53:52) what's align for you are you going to (00:53:54) react as a way to try to (00:53:57) change how I am taking that hook out (00:53:59) though feels like it serves you in a (00:54:02) profound way as well which is the self (00:54:03) selfish part of the equation doesn't (00:54:05) feel selfish but over the long term it's (00:54:07) going to serve you so it's it is a an AC (00:54:09) of self-preservation or taking care of (00:54:11) oneself yeah and I also feel like (00:54:13) there's a healthy dose of curiosity in (00:54:15) this because it's going to reveal all (00:54:17) the things in your life that really (00:54:18) bother you because right now you're (00:54:21) distracting Yourself by being upset (00:54:23) about other (00:54:24) people instead of pulling that energy (00:54:28) back in and going oh well if it really (00:54:30) bothers me that my sister-in-law never (00:54:32) comes to visit me then I clearly care (00:54:34) about this (00:54:35) relationship and so do I care about the (00:54:39) the them be me being right and them (00:54:41) always coming to me do I care about Tit (00:54:44) for Tat or do I actually just care about (00:54:47) building a good relationship with (00:54:49) somebody this is also extraordinarily (00:54:52) effective if you're dealing with (00:54:53) somebody that has any toxic Tendencies (00:54:55) any narcissistic trait like when you (00:54:58) look at the research around especially (00:55:00) narcissism and the fact that people are (00:55:02) not born that way they're made that way (00:55:04) and it's highly unlikely that they're (00:55:05) changing based on the supply that they (00:55:08) constantly need when you go let them I'm (00:55:12) going to see what's coming I'm going to (00:55:16) anticipate what's coming I'm going to (00:55:18) let them have their tantrum which is (00:55:20) what typically happens and (00:55:23) I'm going to go into this wide open I'm (00:55:27) not going to allow myself to get (00:55:29) triggered by it because I am saying I (00:55:32) know who this person is I know what's (00:55:34) going to happen I've been in this (00:55:35) Dynamic for years and I'm going to let (00:55:37) them do what they do and when that (00:55:40) happens you also kind of pres it's (00:55:42) almost like a a emotional force field (00:55:45) that goes up does this apply to Chris (00:55:47) too oh hell yes I mean I um I'm trying (00:55:50) to think of um how is Chris we talked (00:55:52) about him a bit last time um Chris is (00:55:55) fantastic he's getting a master in (00:55:57) transpersonal Psychology oh wow and uh (00:56:01) he I'm really really really proud of him (00:56:05) he has started the he he's been doing (00:56:07) men's Retreats uh for six years and um (00:56:12) why why was there a catalyst yes um he (00:56:16) came out of his uh restaurant business a (00:56:20) broken human uh because the venture did (00:56:25) not succeed and he felt like an abject (00:56:29) failure and based on you know all the (00:56:32) messaging that men in particular get (00:56:35) about providing he felt like he had (00:56:38) completely failed his wife and his three (00:56:40) children and all the friends and (00:56:42) families that had (00:56:43) invested and as I (00:56:47) scrambled and did whatever I could to (00:56:50) start try to keep us afloat when things (00:56:53) started to take off for me the shadow (00:56:55) that I cast just made him feel even (00:56:58) worse and so he was looking for (00:57:01) something that would allow him to really (00:57:05) reconnect with himself to connect with (00:57:08) other men and so he created something (00:57:10) called Soul degree and um it's been a (00:57:13) real passion project of his he just does (00:57:15) two or three Retreats a year he just (00:57:18) opened up next year's registration and (00:57:19) sold it out in 24 hours which tells you (00:57:22) a little bit about the demand and the (00:57:26) desire for people to have deeper (00:57:29) experiences and deeper connection and (00:57:32) you know to kind of circle back on that (00:57:35) topic about goals if you want to go (00:57:38) there (00:57:40) um I think it's very important you know (00:57:43) every this time of (00:57:44) year when January 1 rolls around January (00:57:49) 1 is what's called a temporal landmark (00:57:52) and a temporal Landmark I I'm not going (00:57:54) to get the definition right but it is (00:57:56) this term used for moments of (00:57:58) significance moments that create a (00:58:00) before and an after and we've all had (00:58:03) experiences on birthdays ten 30y was one (00:58:06) of them yes of course right a before and (00:58:08) an after the reason why there are more (00:58:11) people that go to a gym on the first of (00:58:13) a month is not only because of the uh (00:58:16) incentive with pricing but it's because (00:58:18) it's a temporal Landmark quarters in a (00:58:20) business temporal Landmark but January 1 (00:58:23) is a really huge temporal landmark (00:58:27) I think it's very important to do an (00:58:32) assessment or an audit of where you are (00:58:35) before you jump into what's next and I (00:58:37) think this is the piece that everybody (00:58:39) misses when they sit down and they write (00:58:42) out a list of goals the most important (00:58:45) part of setting goals for yourself I (00:58:49) believe is first understanding where you (00:58:52) are and there's a simple exercise that (00:58:54) you can do (00:58:56) it's sort of like um if you think about (00:58:59) directions it's mathematically (00:59:01) impossible to give somebody a set of (00:59:02) directions unless we know you're (00:59:04) starting point and where you want to go (00:59:06) and most people pick their head up and (00:59:07) go I want to go there without going well (00:59:09) where am I right now and so just take (00:59:12) out a blank piece of paper and write out (00:59:16) all the categories of your life it (00:59:18) there's no formula for this literally (00:59:20) you could do 10 different categories you (00:59:22) could do five you could do relationships (00:59:24) money my health my happiness (00:59:27) and just rank them where are you 1 to 10 (00:59:31) 1 to 5 whatever you want and explain (00:59:35) why and I think a really good goal is to (00:59:38) Simply say to (00:59:40) yourself how do I make this number two (00:59:43) or three points (00:59:45) higher that right there changes your (00:59:49) direction you know where you're starting (00:59:50) from and you ask yourself well if my (00:59:54) health is a two what would a five look (00:59:56) look like and can I work towards that (00:59:59) and to me that's what goals are goals (01:00:02) are that sort of point on a map that are (01:00:07) your next couple steps dreams are (01:00:09) something else and dreams are just as (01:00:11) important because dreams (01:00:14) are that moment where you pick your head (01:00:16) up and you get really (01:00:20) quiet and you tune in to what your mind (01:00:25) body and spirit is telling you kind of (01:00:28) aim that inner (01:00:30) Compass out into the distance and you (01:00:34) ask yourself where do I want to (01:00:37) go like if you think about five or 10 (01:00:39) years from now and and the easiest way (01:00:42) for me to figure out that is who am I (01:00:46) jealous of that usually shows up a lot (01:00:48) faster than who am I inspired by because (01:00:51) jealousy is just blocked desire you (01:00:54) can't feel jealous (01:00:57) of somebody unless you (01:01:00) authentically want something for real (01:01:04) that you think that they (01:01:06) have and the jealousy happens because (01:01:09) you have somewhere in your psyche told (01:01:12) yourself you can't have (01:01:15) it and that's why it comes up as (01:01:17) negative but I want you to consider if (01:01:19) you were to allow (01:01:21) yourself at this time of year or right (01:01:23) now after this podcast to just (01:01:28) span the world and ask yourself who am I (01:01:31) either inspired by or who am I jealous (01:01:34) of give yourself permission to do that (01:01:38) and then get curious well what is it (01:01:41) exactly because it might not be the (01:01:44) fancy cars or the things that you see it (01:01:46) might be a sense of Peace it might be (01:01:49) that they seem to have a great uh family (01:01:53) life it might be that they (01:01:57) uh have a very vibrant energy to them (01:01:59) that there's something behind the stuff (01:02:01) on the surface that really is aligned (01:02:05) with what is hardwired in you and pay (01:02:08) attention to that because those dreams (01:02:11) are there for a reason see I think that (01:02:13) they are the beacons out in the future (01:02:16) that are directional (01:02:19) signals just because you have this dream (01:02:21) doesn't mean you're going to get it the (01:02:24) dream's purpose in your life is is to (01:02:26) get your head out of the sand and to (01:02:29) look out ahead and to point you in a (01:02:34) different (01:02:35) direction dreams dreams and (01:02:38) goals it's funny because as you were (01:02:40) saying that I was wondering what your (01:02:41) dreams and goals must be and it made me (01:02:43) think of this comment that I saw on our (01:02:47) last conversation last time you came on (01:02:49) the podcast it said dear Mel you've (01:02:53) touched me I've had a similar molest (01:02:56) experience I came out after the (01:03:00) experience and I told my parents about (01:03:05) it but I didn't tell them for many many (01:03:08) many years because I thought I would be (01:03:12) blamed for it because that is how my (01:03:15) mother always treated me I can finally (01:03:18) totally relate to somebody in you I've (01:03:21) been living in fear all of my 71 years (01:03:25) of life (01:03:26) fear Capital words controls me to this (01:03:30) day now thanks to you I have the answers (01:03:34) I can now live the rest of my days (01:03:37) better I've spent my life trying to fix (01:03:40) me with you I have directions to follow (01:03:43) now so thank you (01:03:45) Mel thank you for sharing that (01:03:49) um I um you know one of the things that (01:03:53) is profound about the let them Theory (01:03:57) is that if you're in a situation where (01:03:59) you're terrified of somebody's (01:04:02) reaction just tell yourself let (01:04:05) them let them have the reaction that (01:04:07) they're going to (01:04:09) have because if you allow the space for (01:04:14) your parents in that situation to have a (01:04:17) really horrible reaction you've (01:04:20) anticipated that it's coming and you've (01:04:22) also allowed them to be (01:04:24) human and you to empower yourself to (01:04:29) then do what you need to do for (01:04:32) yourself which is to say it out (01:04:36) loud and to tell the truth about what (01:04:40) happened to you because it's not about (01:04:43) your parents reaction it's about you (01:04:46) finding the courage and making the (01:04:48) decision and taking the action to say (01:04:52) this (01:04:53) happened and that's the beginning of of (01:04:56) your life moving in a completely (01:04:59) different (01:05:00) direction because you know (01:05:04) fear is something that runs people's (01:05:07) lives it makes you avoid it makes you (01:05:09) shrink it makes you live in silence it (01:05:12) makes you deny what you're (01:05:14) feeling and too often the fear that we (01:05:17) feel the most is we're afraid of what (01:05:20) other people are going to say we're (01:05:21) afraid of other people's reactions let (01:05:23) them have it let them be human let them (01:05:26) do and I'm not saying let people treat (01:05:29) you (01:05:32) poorly what I'm here to tell you is that (01:05:35) when you take responsibility for your (01:05:38) truth and you take responsibility for (01:05:40) expressing it and then you take (01:05:43) responsibility for your (01:05:46) boundaries and you take responsibility (01:05:48) for your (01:05:50) healing you do have the possibility of (01:05:55) living the rest of your life in a (01:05:58) completely different (01:06:01) way as you know whoop are a sponsor of (01:06:03) this podcast which came about from me (01:06:05) being the biggest fan of their product (01:06:07) it's been an absolute game changer for (01:06:08) my sleep for my recovery and for my (01:06:10) overall well-being whoop is a wearable (01:06:12) device this thing on my wrist right here (01:06:13) if you're watching me that not only 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thousands of messages these conversation (01:07:00) cards sell out exceptionally quick so (01:07:02) here's the deal I'm going to make with (01:07:03) you if you join the waiting list which (01:07:05) is in the description below you will get (01:07:07) sent access to buy these conversation (01:07:09) cards 1 hour before anybody else they're (01:07:13) in limited Supply so if you really do (01:07:15) want to get your hands on them please do (01:07:17) add your name to the waiting list in the (01:07:19) description below and you can find that (01:07:20) waiting list at theconversation (01:07:23) cards.com but I'll also include it in (01:07:25) the description below wherever you're (01:07:27) listening to this episode when did you (01:07:29) receive your diagnosis of ADHD uh I was (01:07:33) I think like (01:07:34) 47 how did it change things well it was (01:07:39) amazing I I absolutely amazing you were (01:07:42) recently diagnosed right yeah um so it (01:07:47) changed everything because um I (01:07:51) finally had an explanation (01:07:56) for something about the way that my mind (01:07:59) worked and the way that I felt that made (01:08:03) me for 47 years feel like there was (01:08:08) something defective about me and I (01:08:12) couldn't figure out what it (01:08:15) was and I was diagnosed the way that (01:08:18) most women that are adults are diagnosed (01:08:21) and it goes a little something like this (01:08:23) you have a kid so my husband and I have (01:08:26) three children and um our youngest (01:08:29) Oakley was this just amazing kind of (01:08:33) casseroll of things and one of the (01:08:36) things that he was is that he had a lot (01:08:39) of trouble in school he just we didn't (01:08:42) even know that he couldn't read I mean (01:08:44) talk about being a parent that asleep at (01:08:47) the wheel we didn't find out that he (01:08:49) couldn't read Stephen until he was in (01:08:50) the fourth grade and the reason why we (01:08:53) didn't know and the school didn't know (01:08:55) is is because he had so (01:08:58) overcompensated in the classroom by (01:09:00) being so verbal first kid with the hand (01:09:03) up blah blah blah blah blah like talking (01:09:05) talking talking that (01:09:07) nobody knew that he was having trouble (01:09:11) and all of a sudden the math problems (01:09:14) get harder because they become word (01:09:15) problems all of a sudden reading (01:09:17) comprehension and you know not not to (01:09:19) mention the fact that he also had dis (01:09:21) graphia which basically means that it (01:09:23) looked like he was writing with his feet (01:09:25) I mean his handwriting was so bad and I (01:09:27) was befuddled by this because he could (01:09:30) literally sit in front of the TV and (01:09:33) play video games for hours and have (01:09:36) hyperfocus and all this dexterity and so (01:09:38) I just thought oh he's acting out he (01:09:40) can't stand school so we have this great (01:09:42) teacher in the public school system who (01:09:44) says you really need to get him tested (01:09:46) and I wouldn't test him in the school (01:09:49) and luckily we were at a point where we (01:09:50) could afford to go get I think it's (01:09:52) called a uh psychographic (01:09:55) something something it's like a long (01:09:58) word and sure enough the testing comes (01:10:00) back and the uh PhD neuros pych guy is (01:10:04) like yeah well he has profound dyslexia (01:10:07) he has profound disg graphia he has (01:10:09) executive functioning issues which is (01:10:12) basically the conductor or the secretary (01:10:14) in the brain sort of helping you stay (01:10:16) organized and a couple steps ahead he (01:10:18) has (01:10:19) ADHD and as I'm reading through this (01:10:22) report I'm sitting in the pediatrician's (01:10:24) office Stephen and I'm looking at this (01:10:26) report and I'm reading it and I look up (01:10:29) at his pediatrician who I had become (01:10:31) good friends with because we had three (01:10:33) kids in the practice at this point I'm (01:10:35) like (01:10:37) Mark do you (01:10:40) think maybe have I I have (01:10:43) ADHD and he puts his paper down Stephen (01:10:46) and he goes do I think you have ADHD of (01:10:49) course you have ADHD you are the most (01:10:52) ADHD person parent in my entire practice (01:10:55) I'm like what do you mean he's like Mel (01:10:57) you're brilliant and yet you never do (01:11:01) what you say you're going to do you will (01:11:02) leave here and tell me you're going to (01:11:03) call you never call back your kids go (01:11:05) years without coming in because you miss (01:11:07) all their Wellness appointments you (01:11:09) scramble every single year for the uh (01:11:12) physicals that your kids need and you (01:11:14) beg us to it is Clockwork of course you (01:11:16) have ADHD and I look at him Stephen and (01:11:18) I'm like why didn't you tell me he said (01:11:21) because I'm not your doctor and so I (01:11:23) went and I got the testing Stephen and (01:11:25) and turns out yes ADHD dyslexia same (01:11:29) profile as my son (01:11:33) and what was interesting about getting (01:11:35) the diagnosis because I didn't (01:11:38) understand what ADHD was I always (01:11:40) thought that ADHD is that you can't pay (01:11:44) attention same that's not what it is at (01:11:46) all and so (01:11:49) learning about what it is and learning (01:11:53) that boys and girls present completely (01:11:55) differently so there's an entire (01:11:57) generation of women I don't know if you (01:11:59) know this but there's an entire (01:12:00) generation of women called The Lost (01:12:03) Generation and what happened is when (01:12:05) they were studying ADHD I guess in the (01:12:08) late 60s and early 70s they only looked (01:12:10) at boys and so boys tend to show the (01:12:15) symptoms of ADHD around the age of seven (01:12:18) and it typically is around um the (01:12:22) hyperactivity or the inability to kind (01:12:26) of like focus and and control their body (01:12:28) movements girls on the other hand don't (01:12:31) sh start displaying symptoms until about (01:12:33) the age of 12 and the symptoms are very (01:12:36) different girls become um inattentive (01:12:39) but in a kind of daydreaming fashion (01:12:42) they become a little bit more (01:12:44) disorganized and they aim all of this (01:12:48) back at themselves and so as you become (01:12:51) kind of more Inward and you are (01:12:54) inattentive and you're disorg Oran and (01:12:56) you start to wonder what's wrong with (01:12:57) you and now plus the average age of (01:12:59) girls for puberty is right around then (01:13:01) too so all this other stuff is starting (01:13:03) to happen and hormones are starting to (01:13:04) change if you (01:13:07) don't get properly diagnosed and treated (01:13:11) and by treated I mean the whole array of (01:13:14) things that you can do whether you're (01:13:16) talking about medication or just the (01:13:18) different habits that you can have or (01:13:19) systems that you can develop to support (01:13:21) yourself if you don't get properly (01:13:26) tested and you don't address it do you (01:13:28) know what the number one thing that (01:13:30) happens you develop anxiety oh really (01:13:34) well of course because you're sitting in (01:13:35) a classroom and you can't get yourself (01:13:37) to focus and you're disorganized and you (01:13:42) start to feel this sense of alarm that (01:13:44) you're going to walk into a test and (01:13:46) you're not going to be able to do it (01:13:48) that you're going to yet again open your (01:13:50) locker and the stuff's going to fly (01:13:52) everywhere that yet again you're going (01:13:54) to forget your friend's birthday or (01:13:56) you're going to forget to do this thing (01:13:57) and so all of this anxiety Rises to the (01:14:01) surface so get this so they call us The (01:14:04) Lost Generation of women because what do (01:14:07) you suppose if we were not diagnosed so (01:14:10) I'm 55 if I'm in elementary school in (01:14:14) the late 70s and the you know and and (01:14:17) they've only studied boys and so none of (01:14:20) this is on anybody's radar screen you (01:14:22) now have a generation of women who are (01:14:24) developing anxiety at Big levels in high (01:14:27) school and college I was textbook and so (01:14:30) we get treated for the (01:14:32) anxiety and medicated for it without (01:14:35) addressing the underlying issue all (01:14:39) along which was undiagnosed ADHD so for (01:14:42) me it was (01:14:44) absolutely lifechanging and it was (01:14:47) life-changing to understand that ADHD is (01:14:52) not about your inability to focus it is (01:14:55) about the fact and I'm sure you probably (01:14:58) have dug into this and you know this but (01:15:00) for you know anybody anytime I talk (01:15:02) about this the number of women that are (01:15:04) going to write in the number of dads (01:15:06) that will write in about their daughters (01:15:08) the number of people that say oh my God (01:15:09) I had anxiety in high school too and now (01:15:11) now I've been uh diagnosed with ADHD and (01:15:14) it was because of my kid going through (01:15:16) this and this is exactly my story it is (01:15:18) happening over and over and over again (01:15:21) and so here's what really also helped me (01:15:24) Stephen and it's this (01:15:27) understanding that focus and the ability (01:15:30) to focus in appropriate ways requires (01:15:35) two different neural networks in your (01:15:39) brain and you can think about it this (01:15:42) way if you think about you know the (01:15:44) prefrontal cortex this kind of part of (01:15:46) your brain really has the job of almost (01:15:49) being like a conductor of an orchestra (01:15:51) this is the best um example that I've (01:15:54) heard in terms of what's happening if (01:15:56) you have (01:15:57) ADHD and what's happening is if you (01:16:01) think about an orchestra and and the (01:16:03) orchestra's warming up right it's (01:16:07) like and the drums are Ting ding ding (01:16:10) ding ding and people are shuffling in (01:16:11) their seats we know that sound right and (01:16:13) then all of a sudden the conductor's (01:16:15) like (01:16:17) TI and everybody silent (01:16:20) right in order to conduct an orchestra (01:16:23) you got to be able to do two things at (01:16:25) once you got to be able (01:16:28) to lower the volume on the strings over (01:16:32) here and then you got to be able (01:16:35) to (01:16:37) amplify the focus on the percussion over (01:16:40) here and what happens when this part of (01:16:43) your brain is not switching properly is (01:16:47) you are like Mel Robbins in college and (01:16:51) I would be with my books and I would be (01:16:54) in the Stacks at Baker Library at (01:16:57) Dartmouth College and I'd be there (01:16:59) because I'm going to study (01:17:01) right and my Orchestra conductor cannot (01:17:06) shush anything so the second I sit down (01:17:09) if I'm G to study I have to do two (01:17:11) things I have to be able to quiet all (01:17:13) the ambient noise I have to be able to (01:17:16) quiet all the signaling in my body so (01:17:19) that what I can amplify my attention on (01:17:23) what I'm reading when this part of your (01:17:26) brain doesn't work what ends up (01:17:28) happening or at least this is the way (01:17:29) that it's been explained to me is that I (01:17:32) can't focus on my books because I'm (01:17:35) paying attention to the fact that my (01:17:37) stomach is grumbling and I hear people (01:17:39) walking and then I'm looking around and (01:17:40) then I'm paying attention to the fact (01:17:42) that I have to go to the bathroom so (01:17:43) then I'm up then I'm walking around and (01:17:46) that is how I lived for a very very long (01:17:49) time do you think that's a survival (01:17:51) response what do you mean becoming very (01:17:54) aware of your (01:17:57) surroundings you know what I mean has (01:17:59) anyone ever researched whether or not (01:18:01) there is a link between trauma and ADHD (01:18:03) yes and Gabel mate I believe is the is (01:18:06) the one that's made a pretty pretty (01:18:08) compelling case to me that ADHD appears (01:18:11) to be linked to Childhood trauma which (01:18:13) is you I'm going to butcher this so (01:18:16) please forgive me everybody the case he (01:18:18) made to me was that when you have a (01:18:21) chaotic or traumatic or stressful (01:18:23) childhood as a survival mechanism you (01:18:26) learn to tune out and that's that's (01:18:29) that's protective so if your parents are (01:18:31) always screaming in the house for (01:18:32) example it makes a lot of sense for you (01:18:34) to learn to tune out in that moment but (01:18:36) also to know when to tune in obsessively (01:18:39) and maybe that's the hyperfocus bit the (01:18:40) bit that he really stressed to me was (01:18:42) that kids that go through some kind of (01:18:45) interpretation of a stressful (01:18:46) environment at a young age or a (01:18:47) traumatic environment are more likely to (01:18:49) have ADHD because they've learned to (01:18:51) tune out in order to sort of conserve (01:18:53) and survive it's like my rough (01:18:55) understanding of it well it makes a lot (01:18:57) of sense right because um if you also (01:19:02) have a really chaotic environment it (01:19:04) might not be safe for you to tune out (01:19:06) yeah and so you've got to stay in that (01:19:09) hypervigilant mode which I think would (01:19:10) fry the conductor in your brain it does (01:19:12) yeah because you're both paying (01:19:14) attention to the the survival signals in (01:19:16) your body at the same time as the chaos (01:19:18) in your house and even if you're tuning (01:19:20) out the parents who are screaming at (01:19:22) each other you are still tuned into it (01:19:24) because heaven forbid B it escalates (01:19:26) yeah you got to know yeah and so I think (01:19:29) it makes perfect sense honestly but it (01:19:31) was just a GameChanger and it was a (01:19:34) GameChanger to know kind of the (01:19:36) distinction between boys and girls and (01:19:38) the link with anxiety uh in terms of it (01:19:42) developing uh in a pronounced way for (01:19:45) those of us that have had this (01:19:47) experience of having this as a diagnosis (01:19:51) learning it late in life and then (01:19:52) tracing it back and going oh my god I've (01:19:54) been treated for anxiety for all these (01:19:56) years when the real issue was this (01:19:59) attention issue and if you take gabber (01:20:02) mate's Theory which I think is probably (01:20:05) accurate dial it back even further and (01:20:07) it's probably some form of childhood (01:20:09) trauma that put a kink in the (01:20:12) wires menopause you talked about (01:20:14) menopause earlier yes do we have to I (01:20:16) mean Jesus okay why what do you want to (01:20:20) know wh why did you respond like that (01:20:23) you know because it's um um it's really (01:20:28) confounding and it's confounding because (01:20:31) there's I don't even know if that's the (01:20:33) right word it's overwhelming everybody (01:20:35) my age is talking about it because what (01:20:38) happens is you start to lose control of (01:20:42) your body and um you're going through (01:20:47) all of these changes that you feel like (01:20:50) you are not in control of and so you (01:20:53) know I realize I look like a very lean (01:20:55) person and so the truth is that I am a (01:20:59) very lean person I have not changed my (01:21:01) habits in I don't know eight years I (01:21:03) have very very healthy habits because I (01:21:05) force myself to do things I don't feel (01:21:08) like doing (01:21:10) um and yet they're not working and my (01:21:15) body is expanding and brain fog is (01:21:20) increasing and I am like a furnace to (01:21:23) sleep next to at night (01:21:25) and um all of which is a function of the (01:21:32) changing levels of estrogen in my body (01:21:35) and what's very challenging about um (01:21:39) dealing with kind of hormone changes is (01:21:42) that there's so much conflicting advice (01:21:44) out there and to truly know what's going (01:21:47) on in your body you have to be drawing (01:21:49) blood you have to be looking at what's (01:21:52) going on in the inside that is extremely (01:21:55) expensive for most people it also is a (01:21:58) big maintenance issue it's a gigantic (01:22:00) pain in the ass and it doesn't feel like (01:22:03) anybody really has a good handle on this (01:22:07) and I think as a woman it's very (01:22:08) frustrating to know that women were not (01:22:10) even involved in uh medical research (01:22:14) until the late 80s and it's even more (01:22:17) frustrating to know and look I could be (01:22:19) wrong on this but we had an expert on (01:22:21) our show explain that they only use (01:22:23) postmenopausal women because they don't (01:22:24) want women women's hormones to throw off (01:22:27) the results of the testing that they're (01:22:31) going through with medication and so it (01:22:34) just feels like a massive gray area for (01:22:36) more than half the population our entire (01:22:39) network from the brain through the (01:22:41) entire body is running on estrogen (01:22:43) there's new research around like just (01:22:46) stopping menopause altogether because (01:22:50) women's uh Health out women's um I'm I'm (01:22:55) you know I'm not a medical expert so I'm (01:22:57) trying to learn all this stuff to (01:22:59) educate myself do I take a pill do I put (01:23:01) a cream on do I have this little patch (01:23:03) do I sleep on a pad that makes me cold (01:23:05) so my husband won't like complain that (01:23:07) I'm sweating like through the sheets do (01:23:09) I do on bamboo like it is (01:23:12) so overwhelming and then and you know (01:23:15) and I even feel my cheeks getting hot so (01:23:17) it could be a hot flash coming on I (01:23:19) don't know all I know is I'm drinking my (01:23:21) water and I'm taking my progesterone and (01:23:23) I'm doing my estrogen patch and now I've (01:23:25) tried the blood draws and everybody has (01:23:27) a different opinion is it your gut (01:23:29) health is it your estrogen health I (01:23:31) don't know I just know my body is (01:23:33) changing and some days I feel like a uh (01:23:36) a a a p a a mayor that's being put out (01:23:38) to pasture and part of the issue is the (01:23:43) lifespan we have if you think about it (01:23:46) like our our life expectancy has way (01:23:50) eclipsed the fertility cycle of women (01:23:55) and so we now for most of us will have (01:24:00) another 30 or 40 years if we take care (01:24:03) of ourselves and that's a long time to (01:24:08) live a very vibrant and amazing life (01:24:10) which I believe that we can and to have (01:24:14) a body where your entire system needs (01:24:18) estrogen and yet your body is starting (01:24:20) to lose it and so that's part of the (01:24:23) reason why there's so much interesting (01:24:25) research going on around whether or not (01:24:29) the answer is to just keep us (01:24:32) menstrating so that we're naturally (01:24:34) producing this in our bodies so (01:24:37) interesting it's funny because I'm I'm (01:24:39) not going to go through menopause myself (01:24:42) well that would be interesting but (01:24:44) obviously you'll do manopause though (01:24:46) because you'll probably have a drop in (01:24:47) testosterone uhuh but but on the subject (01:24:50) of menopause I'm going to be surrounded (01:24:52) by women that are going to go through it (01:24:55) and blo and all the bees so get ready (01:24:58) and I want I want to make sure I (01:25:00) understand that's why I'm so curious (01:25:01) about it but it's I crazy thing is I (01:25:03) only learned about it like a year ago on (01:25:04) this book wait you didn't know no about (01:25:06) menopause no well that that's true (01:25:09) you're a 30-year-old man why or 31 why (01:25:12) would you know about menopause I learned (01:25:14) from interviewing people on this podcast (01:25:15) and i' I became so fascinated by it (01:25:17) because people aren't talking about it (01:25:18) enough or at least they haven't (01:25:20) historically the conversation has has in (01:25:22) my view has risen in cultural (01:25:25) um popularity over the last couple of (01:25:28) years but Well here here's my take on it (01:25:30) stepen thank God it has yeah because if (01:25:33) you look at the fact that women were not (01:25:35) included in you know the medical (01:25:38) research until the late (01:25:40) 80s and you realize that more than half (01:25:43) the (01:25:44) population are women and that menopause (01:25:49) and women's hormone Health was a chapter (01:25:52) in the OBG (01:25:56) uh (01:25:57) schooling and it is an enormous part of (01:26:02) how a woman woman's body function like (01:26:05) if we pull away all the skin and what (01:26:08) you see is all the wiring the fuel that (01:26:12) is really circulating through a woman's (01:26:15) body is estrogen and other hormones this (01:26:18) is again I am not a medical expert I am (01:26:21) just a woman who is trying desperately (01:26:24) to figure out how to make sense of an (01:26:28) extraordinarily important topic that (01:26:30) until recent years has not been looked (01:26:34) at with the scientific rigor that it (01:26:36) deserves and demands and that women (01:26:39) around the planet need and it has just (01:26:42) been kind of like an afterthought that (01:26:45) okay you're going to take some hormones (01:26:46) and then that'll be that you'll be (01:26:47) through it I mean most of the advice (01:26:49) that I got when I started to get the (01:26:51) thickening and the hot flashes started (01:26:52) to come and it's too much information (01:26:54) for me to talk about all the other uh (01:26:57) symptoms that you may feel when you go (01:26:59) through menopause is basically like well (01:27:02) you know it'll take about 10 years and (01:27:04) then you'll bounce back that is not (01:27:08) acceptable when it comes to how we can (01:27:12) care for and (01:27:15) Empower more than half of the people on (01:27:17) this planet and there it is exciting (01:27:21) though because I do believe that (01:27:23) somebody will figure this out out soon (01:27:25) that there will be more research there (01:27:27) already are companies popping up all (01:27:29) over the place that are doing really (01:27:32) exciting stuff it's just kind of one of (01:27:34) these issues that's really confusing (01:27:37) because if you Google it or you listen (01:27:40) to an expert on the topic it really does (01:27:43) depend on your personal history because (01:27:46) if you've had any form of breast cancer (01:27:48) or or history of that in your family it (01:27:52) can be very dangerous or (01:27:53) life-threatening for you to hormones and (01:27:55) so again I'm I I have a lot to say about (01:27:59) this because I'm in the middle of it but (01:28:00) I don't know a lot and I think that's (01:28:02) the thing that's (01:28:03) scary my last question before I go to (01:28:06) the book the hardest question that (01:28:07) people ask me and I've struggled with it (01:28:09) for couple of years and I still struggle (01:28:11) with it now to be honest is they ask me (01:28:12) what's driving me and I always I I pause (01:28:15) because I don't want to give a [ __ ] (01:28:17) answer like what I do I really know at (01:28:19) the core of me what's driving me you (01:28:21) talked about a lot of it being (01:28:22) subconscious I don't really know and the (01:28:23) other thing that people people ask me is (01:28:25) what's your goal and because I think (01:28:27) I've got this sort (01:28:29) of predisposition now or this (01:28:31) perspective that I don't know I don't (01:28:34) know if there is a goal I I know that (01:28:36) you know there's this state of being (01:28:38) that I want to arrive in every day this (01:28:39) feeling I want but is there a goal (01:28:41) because I've completed loads of my goals (01:28:42) and it wasn't (01:28:44) that so so I'm cautious about setting (01:28:47) any goals so I'm going to throw the (01:28:48) question at you what is your thanks a (01:28:51) lot what is your goal is there a goal is (01:28:54) that a [ __ ] (01:28:56) question um because I've read that quote (01:28:59) to you that's I mean someone can't have (01:29:00) more profound impact on another person's (01:29:02) life than that so I'm like you know you (01:29:05) did it you have the gazillion followers (01:29:08) you've climbed the mountain you've got (01:29:10) the car the money savings the kids are (01:29:12) good relationships in a great (01:29:16) place uh my goal is to enjoy it as much (01:29:20) as I can it's a good goal another goal (01:29:25) is to um to have a great relationship (01:29:29) with my kids and my (01:29:36) husband yeah I think um (01:29:39) having it's very fulfilling to have (01:29:44) um our adult (01:29:47) kids uh be such good friends I really (01:29:52) love (01:29:53) that why does that make you emotional um (01:29:57) because they're cool I mean I just you (01:30:00) know why it makes me emotional is (01:30:02) because (01:30:04) um I know they're choosing to spend time (01:30:07) with us and um I saw this thing on um I (01:30:13) it's it's floating around I'm sure you (01:30:14) saw it too about how um the amount of (01:30:17) time you spent with your parents just (01:30:18) declines over time it like literally (01:30:21) goes off a cliff and so I um just love (01:30:25) the time that I have with them because I (01:30:26) think they're all really interesting and (01:30:28) unique and (01:30:31) um I love that they choose to spend a (01:30:34) lot of time with (01:30:35) this we have a closing tradition on this (01:30:38) podcast where the last guest leaves a (01:30:39) question for the next guest not knowing (01:30:41) who they're GNA leave it for this is it (01:30:42) about menopause can you imagine well it (01:30:45) might be it depend on your (01:30:47) answer the question left for you I love (01:30:49) how these are always the most difficult (01:30:50) questions my questions are a walk in the (01:30:51) park um what is the most difficult (01:30:53) challenge that you have (01:30:57) overcome i' I'd say (01:31:00) um there's some I I have a bazillion (01:31:03) answers to this like I wanted to say (01:31:06) getting out of bed every morning when I (01:31:07) don't feel like it because that ability (01:31:12) to feel resistance in your body and get (01:31:17) out of bed and face the day is (01:31:21) the skill that you need for any change (01:31:25) and I over and I I face it every day and (01:31:28) every way I think the most difficult if (01:31:32) you were to measure it in (01:31:34) time challenge would (01:31:37) be rewiring my nervous system if that's (01:31:40) even possible technically that's (01:31:42) probably not a thing that you do but to (01:31:46) deprogram all of the (01:31:49) crap that was there and you can't get (01:31:52) rid of it entirely but to make the (01:31:56) Pathways in my body that used to be (01:31:58) driven by either trauma or fear or (01:32:03) anxiety that were so hardwired to make (01:32:06) those not be the default and (01:32:09) to gain a level of (01:32:12) self-awareness and have the tools to be (01:32:14) able to catch myself and and be like Oh (01:32:18) not going to be the grizzly bear right (01:32:19) now and focusing on being action (01:32:21) orientated as you said yeah and just (01:32:25) prioritizing (01:32:27) peace well thank you thank you so much (01:32:29) for your um for your Brilliance oh I (01:32:33) could I could talk about so many (01:32:35) specific things that I think are so (01:32:36) exceptional about you but that we' (01:32:38) probably be here for another two hours (01:32:40) or so so um thank you so much because (01:32:42) you you know you (01:32:44) um you have a wonderfully unique talent (01:32:49) wisdom ability to dissect understand (01:32:53) reflect Express (01:32:55) be authentic vulnerable in a way that (01:32:58) the world so desperately needs it needs (01:33:00) someone with that talent for (01:33:04) understanding introspection processing (01:33:06) communication and that's what you have (01:33:08) and I don't I it's hard to think of many (01:33:10) examples where I've seen that like you (01:33:12) are very much oneof a kind and it's a (01:33:14) and it's a responsibility unfortunately (01:33:17) it's a great responsibility I don't feel (01:33:19) that way I feel like it's so much easier (01:33:21) than faking it dude I look at you and I (01:33:23) go you've got so much talent that it's a (01:33:24) responsibility because you can impact (01:33:27) 71y old you know lady here to Pivot her (01:33:30) life I give that's a responsibility and (01:33:31) do you know what I think is a great (01:33:33) thing in life meaningful (01:33:35) responsibilities I think we're all (01:33:37) trying to find it and I think that's (01:33:38) what you have the gift of so um you know (01:33:42) I'm always going to be your number one (01:33:43) fan and gosh I actually just think (01:33:46) you're at the beginning of your journey (01:33:47) so I'm excited to see all of it play out (01:33:49) thank you Mom thank you can I say one (01:33:52) more thing no I'm joking of course (01:33:56) that comment by what was her name I (01:33:59) don't think she left her name she didn't (01:34:01) okay so that comment name that that (01:34:03) comment makes (01:34:08) me one of the reasons (01:34:11) why I think I'm so driven is (01:34:17) because I know how many (01:34:21) people go through life day-to-day (01:34:23) feeling in visible and stuck and not (01:34:29) seen and so if I can (01:34:34) share any small thing that I've done (01:34:38) that has made a difference or any (01:34:41) detail about a challenge that I'm facing (01:34:45) even if it's (01:34:47) complaining about menopause and hot (01:34:50) flashes and (01:34:51) bloating if that means one human being (01:34:55) out there somewhere across the world (01:34:59) goes I'm not the only (01:35:02) one that's why I do what I do because (01:35:07) I lived inside a body and a brain for (01:35:11) too many decades going I think I'm the (01:35:14) only one who feels this way I think (01:35:16) there's something wrong with me I don't (01:35:18) think I'm ever going to be able to fix (01:35:20) this and it's simply not true you're not (01:35:23) the only one there's somebody on this (01:35:25) planet going through it and has changed (01:35:28) your life the better and if they've done (01:35:30) it so can (01:35:32) you thank you you're (01:35:35) [Music] (01:35:36) welcome as you'll know this podcast is (01:35:39) sponsored by (01:35:41) H and I have to say it's moments like (01:35:44) this in my life where I'm extremely busy (01:35:46) and I'm flying all over the place and (01:35:48) I'm recording TV shows and I'm recording (01:35:50) shows in America and here in the UK that (01:35:53) hu is a (01:35:54) necessity in my life I'm someone that (01:35:57) regardless of external circumstances or (01:35:59) professional demands wants to stay (01:36:01) healthy and nutritionally complete and (01:36:03) that's exactly where heel fits in my (01:36:04) life so if you're looking to try heel (01:36:06) for the first time and to get into it (01:36:08) and to join the huigan family I'd highly (01:36:10) recommend you try this (01:36:11) out do you need a podcast to listen to (01:36:14) next we've discovered that people who (01:36:16) liked this episode also tend to (01:36:19) absolutely love another recent episode (01:36:21) we've done so I've linked that episode (01:36:23) in the description below I know you'll (01:36:25) enjoy it (01:36:31) [Music]