The Power of Saying No | A Story That Will Change Your Life (YouTube Video Transcript)

(00:00:00) Your YouTube transcript will appear here (00:00:00) I want you to imagine real quickly that (00:00:02) you're at your own funeral and (00:00:05) everyone's gathering around to talk (00:00:07) about your life. I want you to ask (00:00:08) yourself, what are they saying? Were (00:00:10) they saying that you were a good person, (00:00:11) but you never really made anything out (00:00:13) of your life? Were they saying that you (00:00:15) never really seemed to really truly feel (00:00:18) happy because you always gave every bit (00:00:20) of yourself to everyone else? Are they (00:00:22) saying that you never really lived out (00:00:23) your true purpose? Or are they saying (00:00:26) that you lived an amazing life on (00:00:28) purpose with clarity and that you were (00:00:31) driven to make something out of this (00:00:33) life to make the most out of your life? (00:00:35) What are they saying? If there's a part (00:00:36) of you that feels like it would be the (00:00:40) first situation and not the second (00:00:41) situation, it might be because you've (00:00:43) been living for everybody else and (00:00:45) you're not in alignment with your true (00:00:48) self and with your true purpose. And if (00:00:50) that's the case, then something's not (00:00:51) right. And we need to correct that. And (00:00:54) it starts with the powerful word no. And (00:00:57) that's what we're going to dive into (00:00:58) today. So, let's dive in. When it comes (00:01:00) to saying no, most people think that (00:01:03) their problem with saying no is a time (00:01:06) management issue. Like I always hear (00:01:08) people say like, "I need to say no (00:01:10) because I'm running out of time in my (00:01:11) schedule." And then when you dive deeper (00:01:13) into it, you realize, "Oh, no, no, no. (00:01:15) This is when you get to the roots of it. (00:01:17) This is an actual core issue. You have a (00:01:20) boundary issue. You have a clarity (00:01:22) issue. you have a purpose issue. You (00:01:25) know, you can't protect your time if you (00:01:27) don't know what you're trying to protect (00:01:29) it for. Otherwise, you're just going to (00:01:31) give your time out to everybody. And so, (00:01:33) what I want to dive into is really the (00:01:34) psychology behind why you don't say no, (00:01:37) why you need to say no. I want to talk (00:01:39) about the identity and how your identity (00:01:41) shifts through it. I really want to dive (00:01:42) into a lot of childhood patterns that (00:01:45) have made you who you are. And then I (00:01:47) want to talk about the purpose that (00:01:49) you're creating in your life and why you (00:01:51) need to say no. So, first off, I think (00:01:53) the easiest place to start is is why we (00:01:55) struggle saying no. Now, I want you to (00:01:57) understand this. You weren't born afraid (00:01:59) of saying no. You weren't like, have you (00:02:02) ever hung out with a toddler before? (00:02:04) They have no problem saying no. They are (00:02:06) actually, in fact, the best people in (00:02:08) the world at saying no. They have no (00:02:10) problem standing up and fighting for (00:02:12) what they want. Like fighting for their (00:02:15) truth. So, what happened to you? Think (00:02:19) about that for a second. Some fear was (00:02:22) taught into you at some point in time (00:02:24) through modeling people like modeling (00:02:27) what your parents did or what you were (00:02:30) praised for or what you were punished (00:02:33) for and everything in between all of (00:02:35) that. And somewhere along the line of (00:02:38) you growing up, you were a toddler who (00:02:40) had no problem saying no to somebody who (00:02:44) learned that saying no was dangerous. (00:02:47) You learned, I guess you could say (00:02:49) somewhere along the lines that you, if (00:02:51) you said no, it made you less lovable or (00:02:54) less accepted in some way. You learned (00:02:57) that saying yes was more important than (00:03:00) saying no. You learned that saying yes (00:03:01) kept you safe and it made you accepted (00:03:04) by other people and it make you made you (00:03:06) loved and it made you needed and it kept (00:03:09) you in the good graces of your parents (00:03:11) or your grandparents or whoever else (00:03:13) raised you. And so what happened was you (00:03:16) learned who you needed to be and what (00:03:19) you needed to do in order to fit in with (00:03:22) your familial unit and then also (00:03:24) everybody else around you. And so when (00:03:26) you think about this, because of this, (00:03:28) you internalized the belief that your (00:03:32) needs were secondary. And we will be (00:03:34) right back. Hey, I want to interrupt (00:03:36) today's episode to tell you about my (00:03:38) sponsor. It is me, myself. If you didn't (00:03:41) know, I obviously have some coaching (00:03:42) programs outside of the podcast to help (00:03:44) you learn and grow and become a better (00:03:46) version of yourself. Step-by-step (00:03:48) programs and processes to help you (00:03:49) become better in your life and create (00:03:51) the life that you want. If you want to (00:03:52) learn more about it, you can go to (00:03:53) coachwith.com. (00:03:55) Once again, coachwith.com. (00:03:58) Check it out. And let's get back to the (00:04:00) episode. (00:04:02) or you were actually taught, like I know (00:04:05) a lot of people, that what you wanted in (00:04:08) wanting something for yourself was (00:04:10) selfish and that you need to actually (00:04:12) put your needs aside in order to (00:04:14) actually do what everybody else is (00:04:15) doing. Pause for a second. Does that hit (00:04:17) home in any sort of way? You have to (00:04:19) realize that your nervous system over (00:04:21) time from from childhood until probably (00:04:24) about 10 years old, your nervous system (00:04:26) started associating saying no to people (00:04:29) with danger. it's dangerous because it (00:04:32) gets me kicked out of the tribe or (00:04:33) because my mom doesn't love me as much (00:04:34) because I don't get acception or maybe (00:04:36) I'm rejected in some sort of way or I (00:04:38) feel isolated. Like you're not (00:04:40) consciously thinking this as a child, (00:04:42) but all of this is going into your (00:04:43) subconscious, which is I need to be (00:04:44) accepted. I need to be loved and I need (00:04:46) the parental connection. So, I will do (00:04:49) whatever it is that I can do in order to (00:04:51) get that parental connection. That's (00:04:53) what we're all doing. This wasn't just (00:04:55) you. This is everybody. This is what (00:04:56) every child does. And so you didn't want (00:05:00) to be disconnected from your parents. So (00:05:03) you learned just to say yes because you (00:05:06) got what you needed, which was love and (00:05:08) which was acceptance and which was (00:05:10) parental connection. And so what you (00:05:13) accidentally did, and don't worry, we (00:05:14) all do this in some sort of way. You (00:05:16) learned that your needs did not matter. (00:05:19) And so now you're an adult and you're (00:05:22) sitting there and you're like, I want to (00:05:24) say no, but every time I start to say (00:05:27) no, like my body flinches when I want to (00:05:29) stand up for my own truth and it still (00:05:32) feels dangerous inside of your body just (00:05:34) to say no. Even if think about this, (00:05:37) even if the logic of saying no makes (00:05:41) complete sense, your inner child, that (00:05:44) part of you inside still panics. And so (00:05:47) what happens is because of that panic, (00:05:48) you just go back into old patterns. You (00:05:50) just go to what's comfortable and what's (00:05:51) easy. You go into an old pattern. You (00:05:54) ignore your true feelings and then you (00:05:56) say yes when you should have said no. (00:05:58) And that is why it's so hard to stop (00:06:00) saying no and why why we've been kind of (00:06:03) taught to say yes. And so when you (00:06:06) really dive into it, the reasons why you (00:06:07) keep saying yes are a couple different (00:06:09) fears that kind of work in tandem here. (00:06:12) The first thing that that's really (00:06:13) really common for people is the fear of (00:06:15) disappointing other people. Like we all (00:06:17) know and if you've listened to the (00:06:18) podcast for a while, you know that (00:06:19) humans are wired for connection. We want (00:06:22) to be connected. And as a child, the (00:06:24) most important thing is that one-on-one (00:06:26) connection with each parent. If you are, (00:06:29) you know, raised that way and you're (00:06:31) raised to learn that you need to be (00:06:33) quiet or you need to do what everybody (00:06:34) else says or you need to fit in, then (00:06:37) saying no can actually feel like a real (00:06:39) threat to your connection. And so we (00:06:41) unconsciously fear like I don't want to (00:06:44) be abandoned so that I'm just going to (00:06:46) give up my true self. Another fear that (00:06:48) comes up is like people pleasing and and (00:06:51) you know having people kick us out of (00:06:52) the tribe so we become a people pleaser (00:06:54) because it becomes a strategy like if I (00:06:57) keep you happy you stay around and (00:06:59) that's what I want. But it can also be (00:07:00) like guilt conditioning too. Like I know (00:07:03) many people who I've talked to that said (00:07:04) like their parents said that you know (00:07:06) it's it's selfish to want anything for (00:07:08) yourself. It's selfish to want something (00:07:10) outside of what the family wants. It's (00:07:11) selfish to do something other than what (00:07:13) I say you're supposed to be doing, you (00:07:15) know. So, especially if you believe that (00:07:17) your, you know, your real value was in (00:07:19) service to other people. And so, you (00:07:21) might avoid saying yes because it's rude (00:07:24) or because it's selfish or because it's (00:07:25) ungrateful. But I want you to understand (00:07:27) this. You betray yourself to protect (00:07:32) others from a moment of discomfort when (00:07:34) you say yes when you should say no. like (00:07:38) you betray yourself. And I'm sorry to (00:07:41) say it, but some people listening have (00:07:44) betrayed themselves hundreds and (00:07:45) hundreds and hundreds of times. So (00:07:47) that's why I wanted to say and why I (00:07:49) started this conversation was saying (00:07:50) this isn't just like a time management (00:07:51) conversation. It goes much much deeper (00:07:55) than just that. How do we heal from (00:07:56) this? Like what do we need to do first? (00:07:58) The real problem here isn't your (00:08:00) inability to say no. It's really an (00:08:03) absence of like a guiding yes. And let (00:08:07) me explain what I mean by that. You need (00:08:09) something to guide the direction of your (00:08:11) life. Like most people are just kind of (00:08:14) floating around with no clear direction. (00:08:17) It's just like being on a boat in the (00:08:18) water with, you know, no rudder and no (00:08:22) no engine. You're just kind of like (00:08:24) floating around and just hoping that (00:08:25) things go well for you. And then (00:08:27) [snorts] they get really mad when (00:08:28) they're not where they want to be. And (00:08:30) it's like, well, how can you be mad (00:08:32) where you're not where you want to be (00:08:33) when you don't even have any idea where (00:08:35) you want to be, you know? And then you (00:08:37) ask them like, okay, well, what do you (00:08:39) want from your life? And there's like no (00:08:40) real clear answer. So, if you don't know (00:08:43) your destination, you'll never actually (00:08:46) get there. And so, everybody needs (00:08:49) something to guide their life. And what (00:08:51) I like to call is this is a north star. (00:08:53) Like, you need a north star in your (00:08:54) life. It is this internal compass that (00:08:58) lets you navigate the direction that (00:09:01) you're heading in life, but also (00:09:03) navigate all of the choices that you (00:09:05) need to make because you probably make (00:09:07) 10020 choices a day. Like you need a (00:09:10) northstar to help you navigate what (00:09:12) you're going to say yes to and what (00:09:13) you're going to say no to. And when you (00:09:15) have a northstar, it becomes the why (00:09:18) that's behind all of your boundaries, (00:09:20) that's behind all of your decisions, (00:09:22) that's behind the direction that you're (00:09:23) going in life. When you have a (00:09:25) northstar, it makes it, I'm being fully (00:09:27) honest with you, when you really have a (00:09:29) northstar and you know what you're here (00:09:30) for and you know what you're trying to (00:09:31) work towards, you know what direction (00:09:32) you're going, it makes it way easier to (00:09:36) say yes to things that align with your (00:09:38) northstar than it makes it way easier to (00:09:40) say no to things that do not align with (00:09:43) it. And so it's not like, oh, I'm going (00:09:45) to say no or I'm going to say yes to (00:09:47) this thing because I'm afraid of what (00:09:49) happens if I say no. It's like, no, I'm (00:09:52) just gonna say no to this thing because (00:09:53) it doesn't align with my true purpose (00:09:55) here. It doesn't align with my (00:09:56) northstar. And so, your north star, (00:09:59) sure, it can definitely be a goal of (00:10:02) what you're trying to do with your life, (00:10:03) but it's also more than just a goal. (00:10:05) Like, it's it's an identity. It's a (00:10:07) purpose. It's a standard for who the you (00:10:11) are in what you're doing in your life (00:10:13) and where you're going. And 99.9% of (00:10:16) people have no northstar (00:10:19) of where they're going in their life. So (00:10:21) they're just kind of bumping around in (00:10:23) the dark hoping that they end up where (00:10:25) they want to be. Every moment of your (00:10:28) life, every request from another person (00:10:31) will filter through the filter of your (00:10:34) northstar. When you get really clear on (00:10:36) what it is, does this line up with my (00:10:38) northstar? If so, easy yes. Okay, let's (00:10:43) do it. Does this line up with my (00:10:44) northstar? Not really. Easy. No. And it (00:10:48) makes it so much easier to say no to (00:10:50) stuff because without it, you're just (00:10:52) directionless, just floating around (00:10:54) hoping things go well. And so, you have (00:10:56) to find your northstar. How do you do (00:10:58) it? Well, let's talk about it. Well, (00:10:59) it's not it's not just about like (00:11:01) finding your passion, right? Or your (00:11:03) purpose in life. Sure, those are (00:11:04) important, but I think that your purpose (00:11:07) is not something that you find. I think (00:11:09) it's something that you build along the (00:11:11) way. And so if you're thinking like I (00:11:12) need to know my purpose in life and (00:11:15) you're 23 years old sitting there right (00:11:17) now like you probably aren't going to be (00:11:19) able to say your purpose but you can at (00:11:21) least think about your northstar in the (00:11:23) direction that you want to go and then (00:11:24) build your purpose along the way. And so (00:11:27) I want you to understand like ask (00:11:28) yourself questions like deep questions (00:11:31) to try to figure out where you want to (00:11:32) be. questions like, you know, if I (00:11:35) stripped away every expectation, (00:11:38) what would I actually want in my life? (00:11:41) And and start figuring what that is. (00:11:42) Like ask yourself questions like when do (00:11:44) I feel the most aligned? When do I feel (00:11:47) the most alive? When do I feel the most (00:11:49) like myself? (00:11:51) What are my uh what are my (00:11:53) non-negotiable values? (00:11:56) What impact do I want to have on the (00:11:59) people that I love? What impact do I (00:12:00) want to have on the world? What would (00:12:02) make me feel like I didn't waste my time (00:12:05) here? What version of myself would I be (00:12:08) proud of 10 years from now? If I wasn't (00:12:11) afraid, what would I finally say no to? (00:12:14) And you start becoming clear on like why (00:12:16) the hell are you here? What is what is (00:12:18) it that you're trying to go towards? (00:12:20) Another way of doing this that would be (00:12:22) really powerful is ask yourself the (00:12:24) questions that I just asked you. Write (00:12:25) them all down if you want to. Another (00:12:27) exercise that's really, really powerful (00:12:29) is journal as if you're 90 years old and (00:12:32) you're looking back on your life and ask (00:12:34) yourself the question, what did you (00:12:36) regret not doing? And get really clear (00:12:39) on that. It's a really powerful exercise (00:12:41) to basically like I guess you could say (00:12:43) like project yourself into your future (00:12:45) self and then look back and go, what (00:12:48) would I regret not doing? And actually (00:12:51) figuring out like, oh, I would regret (00:12:52) not doing this if I was on my deathbed (00:12:54) right now. So, I better be damn sure (00:12:56) that I'm going to do this thing. And (00:12:58) then you ask yourself these questions. (00:13:00) You start paying attention more. And you (00:13:02) start being more present in your life (00:13:04) instead of being run by old patterns. (00:13:06) And you start paying attention to what (00:13:07) makes you feel alive. (00:13:10) And when your purpose is clear and it's (00:13:13) important, then saying yes and saying no (00:13:17) is really easy to do. And your no (00:13:20) whenever you say no to someone can be (00:13:22) can be clear. It can be unapologetic (00:13:25) because it it aligns with the highest (00:13:27) version of what you are becoming. And (00:13:30) there is no reason to waste time on (00:13:32) anything else that's not part of who (00:13:35) you're becoming. And so now if I (00:13:37) understand there's there's a lot of (00:13:38) people out there that are listening that (00:13:39) are like, I really want to do this, but (00:13:40) I'm a people pleaser. Okay, people (00:13:42) pleasers, this part's for you, right? Um (00:13:45) people pleasers, this might be foreign (00:13:47) to you, everything that I've just been (00:13:49) saying, because you've lived your entire (00:13:50) life ignoring what you want. Now, I want (00:13:52) you to understand that people pleasing (00:13:54) is not kindness. It's not kind at all. (00:13:56) It's not kind to the other person. It's (00:13:57) not kind to you. It is unprocessed (00:14:00) fear dressed in politeness is what it (00:14:03) is. It's a childhood wound that says, (00:14:05) "I'm only loved if I'm helpful." And (00:14:07) it's playing out in adult form. So, you (00:14:10) fear disappointing other people and it (00:14:12) triggers this shame of feeling unworthy. (00:14:14) And so, you anticipate rejection, right? (00:14:17) So you like basically preemptively (00:14:20) betray yourself to just basically stay, (00:14:24) you know, in control. I guess you could (00:14:25) say you've been conditioned over your (00:14:28) entire childhood and into adulthood to (00:14:31) value peace in the room over peace in (00:14:33) your body. And so if you say no, saying (00:14:37) no feels like a violation of your role (00:14:39) of what you were taught in childhood to (00:14:41) to be the be the good boy or to be the (00:14:43) good girl or to be the reliable one or (00:14:45) to be the strong one. But the truth is (00:14:48) being everything for everyone is the (00:14:50) fastest way to be nothing for yourself. (00:14:54) And so if you're a people pleaser, (00:14:55) you've got to do this. You've got to (00:14:57) learn how to say no. You cannot be (00:14:59) authentic and agreeable at the same (00:15:01) time. Those are two opposing roles. And (00:15:04) so the path to your inner peace isn't (00:15:06) being liked. It's being aligned with (00:15:09) yourself and your mission and your north (00:15:11) star. And so I don't like to be to stop (00:15:14) being a people pleaser. You don't have (00:15:15) to be mean to people. You just need to (00:15:17) become honest with yourself. That's what (00:15:19) it comes down to. And so after you (00:15:21) figure out what your north star is, you (00:15:23) need to start setting some boundaries in (00:15:24) your life. And it's it's quite hard to (00:15:27) set boundaries when you don't know what (00:15:28) your north star is. And that's why (00:15:30) people have such trouble setting (00:15:32) boundaries cuz they don't know what (00:15:33) their north star is. And so a boundary, (00:15:36) what it is is it's just simply clarity (00:15:38) around what's okay and what's not with (00:15:41) you. Like healthy boundaries don't (00:15:44) control other people. They clarify what (00:15:46) you will accept and what you will not (00:15:47) accept. It's like a a healthy boundary (00:15:51) or boundaries is like a manual for how (00:15:54) people can treat you because you teach (00:15:56) people how to treat you. Believe it or (00:15:57) not, so when you say something like, (00:15:58) "Hey, listen. I'm not available for (00:16:00) that." That's a boundary. (00:16:02) You say something like, "If you speak to (00:16:04) me that way again, I'm going to leave (00:16:05) the conversation." That's a boundary. (00:16:07) You're teaching people how to work with (00:16:10) you and how to talk to you and how to (00:16:11) treat you. Boundaries protect your (00:16:14) energy, not just your time. (00:16:17) You know, if people are offended by your (00:16:19) boundaries, it's probably because they (00:16:20) benefited from your lack of boundaries (00:16:22) before. And so, you teach people how to (00:16:24) treat you. And so, you know, your (00:16:27) boundaries might disappoint some people, (00:16:30) but it will also teach them how to be in (00:16:32) relationship with you. And so what you (00:16:35) have to do is is learning how to start (00:16:36) saying no. And so let's talk about how (00:16:38) to say no without burning bridges with (00:16:39) people, right? It doesn't need to be a (00:16:41) massive no. You can start small with (00:16:43) your nos. Like micro decisions you've (00:16:44) been avoiding. Like practice. Here's the (00:16:47) thing to help you. Practice delaying (00:16:48) your yes. If saying no is hard for you, (00:16:51) practice delaying your yes. Instead of (00:16:53) saying yes, say something like, "Hey, (00:16:55) let me think about that and get back to (00:16:56) you." Like that's if you're struggling (00:17:00) saying no. That's the perfect phrase. (00:17:02) just delay your yes. Let me Hey, just (00:17:04) let me think about that and get back to (00:17:05) you. It buys yourself some space to (00:17:07) check in with your gut and not just go (00:17:09) through a pattern of guilt, you know, (00:17:11) and then you can start practicing (00:17:13) compassionate nose. Hey, listen. I'm (00:17:14) really honored that you asked, but I'm (00:17:16) really busy, so I just need to say no (00:17:17) right now. And then you don't need to (00:17:19) overexlain. Overexplaining is also a (00:17:21) trauma response. Hey, I'm sorry I'm not (00:17:24) available for that, but I wish you the (00:17:25) best. That's enough. Your no doesn't (00:17:28) require justification. You're allowed to (00:17:30) honor your time and energy and focus. (00:17:33) You like your no makes room for somebody (00:17:35) else's yes that would probably do a (00:17:37) better job than you because it's a yes (00:17:39) for them anyways. And so you have to (00:17:41) start doing this. And as you start doing (00:17:42) this, it starts becoming an identity for (00:17:44) yourself. Like standing up for yourself (00:17:46) will start to become an identity. Start (00:17:47) becoming who you are. Saying no isn't (00:17:50) just a behavior. It's a reflection of (00:17:52) who you believe you are. And so every (00:17:54) time you say no with integrity, you (00:17:56) reinforce the belief to yourself that I (00:17:59) matter. And I'm just telling you right (00:18:01) now from from coaching many many people, (00:18:04) many people have unconsciously taken on (00:18:06) the belief that I don't matter. And when (00:18:07) you say no to somebody for your and you (00:18:09) say it for the purpose of yourself, (00:18:12) you're reinforcing the identity of I (00:18:14) matter. You ch start chooing choosing (00:18:16) your future over everybody else's. and (00:18:18) you start to live a life that is yours, (00:18:20) not a life that's been conditioned into (00:18:23) you. And that is when your self-respect, (00:18:25) your confidence skyrockets. And so my (00:18:28) assignment for you this week is to say (00:18:31) no one time where you would normally say (00:18:34) yes out of guilt. Don't apologize. Don't (00:18:36) explain. Just no thank you. Just a (00:18:39) simple no from self-respect, not fear. (00:18:42) And then notice how your body feels (00:18:43) afterward. It might feel kind of uneasy, (00:18:46) but after a little while, you're going (00:18:48) to start to feel a little bit more (00:18:49) relaxed. And that that feeling, that's (00:18:51) freedom. That's you being aligned with (00:18:53) who you are. That's you living in (00:18:55) alignment with what you want in the life (00:18:57) that you're trying to build. So, I want (00:19:00) you to practice saying no more this (00:19:02) week. (00:19:04) Hey, thanks so much for watching this (00:19:05) video. based off of what you have been (00:19:07) watching on YouTube recently. YouTube is (00:19:09) bringing up this video right here and it (00:19:11) thinks that you should watch this one (00:19:13) next based off of your algorithm. And if (00:19:15) you want to make sure to never miss (00:19:17) another podcast episode, go ahead and (00:19:18) click that button right there, (00:19:20) subscribe, and I'll see you on the next