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Title: How to think about your narcissistic parent
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hi everyone its dr. Romani and welcome
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back to this YouTube channel on all
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things narcissism narcissistic
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personality narcissistic relationship
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and all other kinds of toxic stuff
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today's video is a very important one it
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is in response to what many people have
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been asking for and it very simply gets
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out this idea of what do you do how do
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you think about narcissistic parents I
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spent a lot of time putting this one
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together because it came in from lots of
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different thoughts and ideas and you
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name it
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so I do know that this topic is
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important to you to all of us and so
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this is sort of like an 11 step
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manual I guess of what to know what to
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do or even different ways to think about
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how to get your head around a
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narcissistic parent before I go on
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though please consider subscribing to
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this channel thumbs up if you end up
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liking it and hit that bell you'll get
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notifications every time we put out new
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content so let's take this from the top
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this sort of it was a 10 step guide it
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made it 11 11 steps of what to know what
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to do what to think about if you have a
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narcissistic parent or parents this
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particular email comes too often to me
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and I actually think the issue of
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narcissistic parents makes me more angry
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than any other issue a narcissistic
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parent damages your developmental
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trajectory sets you up for a lifetime of
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making excuses for people's bad behavior
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in validating yourself living with
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anxiety grappling with guilt shame and
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anger and typically all three on any
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given day setting you up for trauma
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bonded relationships in adulthood and
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managing a world full of enablers that
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does or did not understand what you are
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going through or went through so over
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time I have accumulated these thoughts
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some day I'll do a full-blown course on
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this but this topic was just too
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important to wait and too many people
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were asking for it so right now here are
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my thoughts on this subject
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step-by-step 11 points
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now on average most people have one
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narcissistic parent which by my
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estimation is one too many those of you
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who have to your climb is going to be
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much much steeper so let's take it from
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the top if you had a narcissistic parent
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number one you were robbed remember you
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were robbed you're going to hear gas
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lighting and validating statements from
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people when you say this once everyone
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has a tough child wrong nobody has a
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perfect family but a narcissistic parent
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is a special kind of hell
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it's decades of day-to-day invalidation
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meanness pettiness manipulation gas
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lighting this is the stuff that damages
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a soul from the inside out and yes you
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were robbed because every child deserves
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a childhood full of unconditional love
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and acceptance of a parent who sees and
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who values them of a parent who is not
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selfish and egocentric of a parent who
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has empathy and can put a child's needs
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first if you didn't get those things you
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were robbed and that knowing that can
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fill you with resentment grief regret
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and rage there are no second chances on
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childhood and to not get this is to have
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been stolen a robbed of a fundamental
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need in life it can be painful
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especially on those parental
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commemoration holidays like Mother's Day
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or Father's Day but frankly any holiday
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or alleged families are supposed to come
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together and have fun day year over year
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to be hit by that tsunami of shame of
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having a narcissistic parent of having
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horrible negative emotions on those days
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or at that time of year and having to
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watch the world make their social media
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posts and proclaiming joy at their great
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dad who taught them all about life it's
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painful to see it you didn't get it yeah
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you were robbed
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second to remember thing to remember if
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you have narcissistic parents acceptance
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is at best a temporary solution on any
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given day acceptance is an important
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stage of grief and in
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important tool for mental health I
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preach it every day and when it comes to
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narcissistic parents it doesn't always
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work there are days that the grief and
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sadness and resentment may overwhelm you
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and your body and soul reject having to
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accept this and that's okay those are
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the hard days and listen to those days
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those may in fact be the days that
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finally set you up to go no contact or
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gray rock or maybe a wake-up call to
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just be kind to yourself and give
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yourself a break that day there are days
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that acceptance works and that's great
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you can accept that those on those days
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that this was your story and since you
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can't change it what it did to you just
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have to accept it and more days than not
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it that will work but somedays
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acceptance won't work and that's okay it
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doesn't mean that you aren't grieving
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right it means that some days the
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negative emotions are too overwhelming
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number three thing to remember if you
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have a narcissistic parent stop
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gaslighting yourself think of the things
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you say to yourself maybe it isn't that
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bad maybe I'm making too big a deal
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about this oh this parent is old maybe
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I'm just getting too lost in the past
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stop doing it when you are gaslighted as
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a child it does a number on you much
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more so than if your first experience
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with gaslighting is when you are an
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adult before you can even talk if you
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were gaslighted you learn to
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second-guess yourself to doubt yourself
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and that's all courtesy of the gift that
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keeps giving being gaslighted as a child
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yeah parents actually do think say
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things like don't be so sensitive or
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that never happened or I never really I
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don't really mean that when gas lighting
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is one of the first languages you are
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taught it's hard to unlearn it but stop
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gas lighting yourself now number four
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you got a narcissistic parent remember
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this was not your fault because at the
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end of the day it's bad luck isn't it
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you got a narcissistic parent or parents
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and you didn't ask for it you're not
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responsible for their selfishness rages
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manipulations
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invalidations or gaslighting you may
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have spent a childhood wondering if only
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I didn't say that if only I kept my room
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clean maybe if I was better he or she
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would notice me know their narcissism is
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not your fault their narcissistic
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behavior is not your fault
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people in narcissistic relationships try
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to get some control over the situation
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by wondering what they did themselves to
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evoke such toxic behavior from the
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narcissist the narcissist is toxic
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it's simply who they are you just had
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the bad luck to be their child so it
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impacted your development everyone
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suffers when a narcissist is around but
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kids and partners get it the worst
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number five remember stop saying your
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parents sacrificed so much no they
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didn't this is a rationalization that so
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many people use as they go through the
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rigors of a childhood with a
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narcissistic parent or try to make sense
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of it that a good old cognitive
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dissonance raising its head again my
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favorite one I hear from people is I
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can't I can't be that mad they put a
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roof over my head and fed me yeah that's
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sort of a minimum requirement of
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parenting and an orphanage would do that
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much they chose to have a child and
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chose to raise that child you yeah
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parenting is a sacrifice and one a
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parent makes with eyes wide open or
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they're supposed to I'm a parent I guess
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I sacrifice for my kids but I don't see
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it as a sacrifice I see it as a
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privilege I see it as a divine role if I
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had to make hard choices of course do I
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sometimes make the wrong choices all the
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time but the idea that someone would
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rationalize a parent's lifelong toxic
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behavior because the parent paid the
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rent when you were a child is
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preposterous parents are supposed to do
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for their children it's a basic
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requirement parenting is about
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compromise and not on the part of the
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child on the part of the parent
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compromise though is a word that does
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not exist in a narcissist vocabulary
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number six
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this is a tough one you may not be at
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peace regarding your narcissistic parent
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until they have passed this is a very
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painful realization the monkey on your
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back of the old voices their mere
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existence the manipulation the
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invalidation and general nastiness of a
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narcissistic parent may not end until
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they are gone no one is ever allowed to
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say in mixed company that they are
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actually relieved when a parent passes
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away but I can guarantee you that many
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people with narcissistic parents will
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indicate that a prevailing emotion upon
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the passing of their narcissistic parent
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was relief and that relief was often
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coupled with guilt because obviously
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that's not how you're supposed to feel
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when someone passes away and
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unfortunately narcissists
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because of their selfishness and the
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stress they caused for others often live
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a very long time and can cast a long
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shadow on much of your life the death of
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a narcissistic parent can be kept can be
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met with a complex cascade of emotions
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including grief guilt confusion and
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relief which all complicate the process
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of grief it can feel like a lifelong
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waiting game and even no contact is
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sometimes not a substitute when that day
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comes it is very important that you
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consider working with a therapist
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well-versed in grief work around complex
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losses to help you process it number
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seven you got to step away from your
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family enablers and start pruning your
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family tree a big reason why
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narcissistic parents are able to exert
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so much damage is because they are
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enabled
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they are enabled by other family members
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by their own parents by their friends
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people will make excuses for them people
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will say well that's not their family
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it's not my business those around you
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may not want their precious little happy
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little worldviews punctured their
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childlike worldviews where parents love
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their kids and people get along and they
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want to keep their little myth alive for
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themselves even while children in their
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midst
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we're experiencing narcissistic abuse
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whether that's denial or culture or
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stupidity I'm never gonna know number
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eight with parents thinking about no
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contact versus gray rock there's no
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right answer
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some people do no contact with their
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parents and it saves them there
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circumstances permit it and it works all
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things being equal no contact is great
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because like all toxicities the more
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contact you have with the toxic person
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the sicker it makes you however going no
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contact means bearing up against the
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enablers that gave your narcissistic
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parents their power and people may shame
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you call you a terrible person for
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cutting off a parent disrespectful
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ungrateful etc listen these people were
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willing to throw you under the bus when
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you're a child why wouldn't they be
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willing to continue to do that while
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you're an adult however many people
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recognize that no contact is not an
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option for them and then gray rock can
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work it can be tough no one knows how to
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bait you and get under your skin better
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than your parent who has been doing it
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for your entire lifetime gray rock can
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also be challenging because of those
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family enablers in your midst those
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enablers may say you're being difficult
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or cold or uppity by being disengaged
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only you know what will work for your
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given situation number nine stop
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excusing your narcissistic parents on
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the basis of their back story for a
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fuller look at this issue please take a
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look at my videos on generational and
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cultural narcissism those are found in
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the narcissistic types series but this
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is one that many people get stuck in
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parents that may have had difficult
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histories now these could be due to
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historical or regional issues like Wars
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migration being a refugee enduring
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community violence poverty or trauma
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losing family members to these kinds of
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events and these traumas may in fact
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underlie some of the narcissistic
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patterns in your parent and so they get
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to do a number on you as narcissistic
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parents do but you Kate you keep making
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excuses for them he came to America with
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$100 in his pocket he still made it she
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lost both of her ages before the age of
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10 and every time you have to face up to
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they're gaslighting dismissiveness and
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rage
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you may rationalize their behavior just
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because they had a tough start ah it may
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allow you as an adult to engage in the
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radical acceptance of how difficult your
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childhood was and that your parent won't
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change to know their backstory it may
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fortify your gray rock that you know
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they will always hurt you and you will
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quietly endure it instead of in tempting
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to have them take responsibility for it
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here's the rub many people with horrific
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backstories most people don't go on to
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do a narcissistic number on their kids
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your parent would have enough of a sense
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of right from wrong they got through
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their jobs after all they were able to
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keep it together with other people but a
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child is an easy and evocative target
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you are not responsible for your parents
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history and enabling their behavior or
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remaining their psychological punching
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bag in lieu of it is not healthy for you
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number 10 please stop getting stuck in
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the if it had only been different vortex
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so many people I have known or talked
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about this with will just ruminate about
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if only it had been different what would
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I have been like what would I have been
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like if I had different parents if my
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parent was out of the picture if my
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parents got divorced if my parents did
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not get divorced all of these
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suppositions are very seductive and it's
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easy to go down the rabbit hole of
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ruminative what-ifs but this can be a
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real dead end that just ends you up in
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the same place having to deal with your
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difficult parent and their legacy
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because they are who they are and it
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wasn't different
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this kind of thinking can slow you in
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your healing and getting to acceptance
(00:15:38)
of the situation so you can devise a
(00:15:41)
more meaningful approach rather than
(00:15:44)
wondering how things could have been
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different
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next you need to figure out how to
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repair n't your self this is a big one
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it's like teaching yourself to read at
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the age of 25 or do addition at the age
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of 30 if you're lucky you had one
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healthier parent who may have loved you
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in a healthy manner or showed you
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compassion and empathy you may have had
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other family members who are present and
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held safe and special spaces for you but
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if you have two narcissistic parents you
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didn't get any of it treat yourself like
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you would have treated a child for some
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people this lesson can come into stark
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relief when they have their own children
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hopefully it does they vow they will not
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get it as wrong as their parents and do
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right by the next generation but before
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that you need to do this for yourself
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too
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what does a healthy parent do they love
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a child unconditionally they keep them
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safe
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they authentically mirror their emotions
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support and encourage their aspirations
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compromise for them and puts their own
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stuff aside for their own child do this
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for yourself you should have gotten it
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in the first place and it's not too late
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it won't be easy like learning to read
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at the age of 25 but you can do it and
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it's absolutely crucial that you do
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number 11 remember that your parent will
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never change and this may be the hardest
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one of all they won't these patterns
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don't change the most fortunate amongst
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us may get the parental deathbed
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confession but don't hold out for it by
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and large many parents actually get
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worse with age the rigors of age never
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play well for a narcissist they don't
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like the impact of aging on their bodies
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and appearance they lose societal powers
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they slowly lose cognitive capacity they
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honestly believe they'll live forever
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that plus their narcissism can make
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things even more difficult if you
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remember they won't change you will
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cancel that childlike hope you always
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had that maybe today will be different
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it won't of all the narcissistic
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relationships the parental one to me is
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the most lethal because of the lifelong
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damage it causes it's not a relationship
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you chose you were completely
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unempowered to be able to address it
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because you were a child
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it is a painful legacy but it is my
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sincere hope you can take some of these
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thoughts and start creating a safer
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space for yourself both in whatever
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relationship you have with your
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narcissistic parent or parents the
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people around them and most importantly
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with yourself this relationship defines
(00:18:45)
so much of you please don't let it get
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the best of you so many people will have
(00:18:51)
this demon on their back for their lives
(00:18:52)
I hope some of what was shared in this
(00:18:55)
video can help you rethink some of this
(00:18:58)
create boundaries and specific ways stop
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blaming yourself and set yourself free
(00:19:04)
from their negative voices but I'm gonna
(00:19:07)
tell you this right now it won't be easy
(00:19:09)
and there will be days that are much
(00:19:12)
harder than others and most importantly
(00:19:14)
and the hardest part of all most people
(00:19:17)
don't get it oh come on it's not that
(00:19:20)
bad
(00:19:20)
it's your parent every parent gets it
(00:19:23)
wrong gasps light gasps light enable
(00:19:26)
enable you've got to get mentally strong
(00:19:28)
enough to be able to say no do not
(00:19:33)
invalidate the nightmare I had endured
(00:19:36)
on my journey to attempt to become a
(00:19:39)
productive adult but also remember this
(00:19:41)
won't define you
(00:19:42)
many people I'd say most who had
(00:19:44)
narcissistic parents often go on to
(00:19:46)
other heroic adulthoods and what's even
(00:19:48)
more heroic is that you could come from
(00:19:51)
that beginning and still retain your
(00:19:54)
empathy your compassion and your
(00:19:56)
goodness as far as I'm concerned if you
(00:19:58)
could serve that survive that childhood
(00:20:01)
and come out loving and compassionate
(00:20:02)
you truly are a hero thanks again for
(00:20:06)
tuning in you want to share any thoughts
(00:20:07)
on narcissistic parents drop them in the
(00:20:09)
comments and as always if you like this
(00:20:11)
video thumbs up hit that Bell hit that
(00:20:14)
subscribe button and again sending you
(00:20:16)
strength
(00:20:17)
thank you
