Is gentle parenting on the way out? (YouTube Video Transcript)

(00:00:00) Your YouTube transcript will appear here (00:00:00) Turn now to our parenting playbook. (00:00:02) There's a new backlash against gentle (00:00:04) parenting. A widely shared article in (00:00:06) the Wall Street Journal says tough love (00:00:07) is back. Our parenting expert Egger (00:00:09) Sudter is here to explain. What you have (00:00:10) to explain first is this acronym (00:00:12) associated with it. F AFO. (00:00:15) >> Well, George, when parents say reach (00:00:16) their limit, it's kind of like a mess (00:00:18) around and find out kid. (00:00:20) Basically, what's happening there? (00:00:23) >> I want to break down what gentle (00:00:24) parenting is first. So, it's basically (00:00:26) rooted in being empathetic, emotional (00:00:28) regulation, and your relationship with (00:00:30) your child. So, think validating big (00:00:32) feelings and getting down on their level (00:00:34) and staying calm the entire time no (00:00:36) matter how they react. (00:00:37) >> That's gentle parenting. (00:00:38) >> That's gentle parenting. So, then you (00:00:40) have the more what people are calling (00:00:41) the harsher pairing, but it's actually (00:00:43) authoritative parenting and it's rooted (00:00:45) in consequences. So, when they (00:00:46) misbehave, there's going to be a (00:00:49) consequence. (00:00:49) >> Yeah, you touch the stove with hot. Go (00:00:51) ahead, touch it if you want. Yeah, (00:00:53) there's consequences to it. But but is (00:00:55) this like is this shift generational? (00:00:58) And is it harder for parents to be (00:00:59) authoritative when it comes to social (00:01:01) media or feelings of being judged by (00:01:03) other people? (00:01:04) >> Yeah. Parents today feel more judged (00:01:06) than ever. And social media doesn't help (00:01:08) because they don't want to be caught on (00:01:09) tape or on film doing something yelling (00:01:12) at their kid. But here's the thing, (00:01:13) gentle parenting does not work for every (00:01:16) child. And just because you're more (00:01:18) authoritative doesn't mean you're harsh (00:01:19) or it's without emotion, without love. (00:01:21) It's just giving them a natural a (00:01:23) consequence for their behavior and kids (00:01:25) need that kind of structure. (00:01:26) >> I heard the word no a lot as a kid and (00:01:29) my children hear the word no a lot. What (00:01:32) is authoritative parenting and how do (00:01:34) parents do it the way that you would (00:01:36) recommend? (00:01:36) >> Okay. So, there's a really simple way to (00:01:38) implement it. You want to make sure that (00:01:39) there are clear expectations about (00:01:41) behavior. So, we don't talk (00:01:43) disrespectfully to grown-ups in this (00:01:44) house. And if they do, there has to be a (00:01:46) consequence. But don't say, "I'm going (00:01:48) to cancel your 8th birthday." No parent (00:01:50) ever does that. Make the consequence (00:01:52) something like no screen time or no (00:01:54) playdates on sata the next two (00:01:56) Saturdays, something like that. And then (00:01:57) you want to make sure there are natural (00:01:59) consequences. I have a teenager who (00:02:00) refuses to wear his coat in the winter (00:02:02) and I'm like, "Okay, go out and be cold (00:02:04) and I'm not going to run your coat to (00:02:06) school if you need it." Right? And so (00:02:08) you also want to be warm but not wobbly. (00:02:11) You don't want to give in when they're (00:02:13) complaining about um you know, this (00:02:15) isn't fair, right? But you want to say, (00:02:17) "I understand how you feel. you know, I (00:02:19) know you don't want to leave the (00:02:20) playground, but it's time to go. And you (00:02:22) want to also make sure that you give (00:02:24) them choice and a voice. Now, this helps (00:02:26) them help the decision- making. So, (00:02:28) something like, um, would you like to (00:02:30) shower before dinner or after dinner? (00:02:32) >> And lastly, reset after mistakes, yours (00:02:36) and theirs. Sometimes we overreact. It's (00:02:38) okay to apologize to your children. And (00:02:40) when they mess up, you want to set a (00:02:42) plan for how they can make it better the (00:02:44) next time. (00:02:45) I What are some of the benefits to (00:02:47) authoritative parenting? I know ra being (00:02:49) raised by the colonel and Miss Sylvia. (00:02:51) That's all that's all I had in my (00:02:52) household. Did your parents ever (00:02:54) apologize to you? (00:02:55) >> No, not much either. And our (00:02:57) relationship, funny, our relationship (00:02:58) was they were the parents and we were (00:03:00) the kids. That was the relationship. (00:03:02) >> Well, that is still the relationship. (00:03:03) But here's the great thing about (00:03:04) authoritative parenting. It makes great (00:03:06) problem solvers, people who have more (00:03:08) emotional regulation, people who can (00:03:10) deal with conflict better, and they're (00:03:12) more resilient. So there are a lot of (00:03:14) great things that come from giving that (00:03:15) kind of structure and having that kind (00:03:17) of discipline. (00:03:17) >> Good advice. (00:03:18) >> Mhm. (00:03:19) >> Thank you. Thank you, Erica.