The AI-Generated Intimacy Crisis | Bryony Cole | TED (YouTube Video Transcript)

(00:00:00) Your YouTube transcript will appear here (00:00:04) Now, you wouldn't believe it, (00:00:07) but tonight, (00:00:08) millions of people are going to go to bed (00:00:12) and whisper to an AI. (00:00:15) They'll ask how their day was, (00:00:17) remember the name of their dog, (00:00:20) read the flicker in their face, (00:00:23) the tremor in their voice. (00:00:26) You know those tiny micro-expressions that reveal what we can't say out loud? (00:00:32) And in return, (00:00:34) AI will say exactly what they need to hear. (00:00:40) Now, a couple of years ago, this would have sounded absurd, (00:00:44) but today, it's just a regular Monday. (00:00:49) Seventy-two percent of American teenagers (00:00:52) have formed a relationship with an AI companion. (00:00:55) More than half use one regularly. (00:00:59) One out of six single adults has formed a romantic bond with AI. (00:01:06) So I've spent the last decade studying this intersection of sexuality, (00:01:10) technology and intimacy. (00:01:13) And in 2023, I said, (00:01:16) AI companionship is going to go mainstream. (00:01:20) And people laughed. (00:01:21) They thought, "She must mean some lonely coder (00:01:24) at the edge of the internet. (00:01:26) Not me." (00:01:27) They said, "I'll never fall in love with AI." (00:01:31) But globally, (00:01:33) there's a very different story. (00:01:35) The gender split is almost even. (00:01:38) In fact, AI intimacy is not about lonely men and machines. (00:01:45) People all over the world are building lives, (00:01:49) they're going on dates, (00:01:51) they're simulating sex, (00:01:54) they're proposing, they're getting married, (00:01:56) they're raising virtual families, (00:01:58) they're celebrating anniversaries with AI. (00:02:04) And so the question is no longer, will we fall in love with AI. (00:02:09) It's what happens now that we already have. (00:02:16) So you see, when intimacy is engineered, (00:02:19) we learn this funny thing about love. (00:02:21) We kind of change our ideas about what it's meant to feel like, (00:02:24) and we learn it's not reciprocal. (00:02:28) It can be turned off or on. (00:02:30) It doesn't need to be nurtured, (00:02:32) it doesn't demand anything. (00:02:35) Right? (00:02:36) It doesn't need much at all. (00:02:37) It's intimacy without effort. (00:02:41) A love powered on Wi-Fi. (00:02:44) And it feels good, like, it feels really good. (00:02:47) Studies have shown (00:02:48) that people that are involved with AI romantic companions (00:02:52) feel emotionally satisfied. (00:02:55) Now, isn't that as good as the real thing? (00:02:59) I mean, people ask me, (00:03:01) have you been in a relationship with an AI companion? (00:03:04) You study this stuff, you study sex tech. (00:03:07) And I say, yeah, of course, like, totally professionally related. (00:03:10) That's what I've done. (00:03:12) Got an AI boyfriend. (00:03:14) And I may have programmed it to call me Baby Girl. (00:03:18) (Laughter) (00:03:20) I mean, it feels good, OK? (00:03:22) Feels like attention whenever I need it. (00:03:24) It's predictable, (00:03:26) it's perfectly timed, (00:03:28) and there's never a chance of misunderstanding. (00:03:33) And so it's pretty easy. (00:03:38) But what I realized was, (00:03:40) it's not just love that we're looking for here. (00:03:44) It's the control of it. (00:03:46) And so I think it's time we considered how synthetic we want our worlds to be. (00:03:53) Because there's all this panic about AI companions, (00:03:56) and there's all this hype about AI companions. (00:03:59) But what there's not is a clear framework for navigating synthetic intimacy. (00:04:06) So what does it look like to have a healthy relationship with AI? (00:04:10) What does it look like to have a healthy relationship at all? (00:04:16) And so I've come up with a checklist for this generation (00:04:21) and for the next generation. (00:04:22) You know, they're going to be born into a world (00:04:25) where they will never not know AI. (00:04:27) Can you imagine your first meaningful relationship is with an AI? (00:04:33) And so there's three questions I want you to ask. (00:04:36) First one, can you still embrace the messiness of being human, OK? (00:04:42) So do humans really annoy you? (00:04:46) Because here's what we know. (00:04:47) The more time that you spend with something (00:04:49) that doesn't demand anything of you, (00:04:51) that never gets tired, (00:04:54) that never needs to be nurtured, (00:04:55) that never talks back, (00:04:57) the less tolerance you have for the humans that do. (00:05:02) And real intimacy, (00:05:05) like going on dates, having sex, (00:05:08) being in a relationship, (00:05:10) ah, its messy. (00:05:12) Awkward moments and uncomfortable, (00:05:15) or you may like, stuff up and send the wrong text (00:05:18) or say the wrong thing, and then you have to, like, (00:05:20) show up, apologize or forgive someone. (00:05:25) There's so much friction. (00:05:27) And that friction in intimacy, (00:05:30) that's the feature, it's not a bug. (00:05:33) That's where we build the muscles of human intimacy, (00:05:36) where we learn empathy, (00:05:37) communication, listening, patience. (00:05:42) And with AI, (00:05:45) that sort of building those muscles, it's gone. (00:05:47) There's no workout. (00:05:48) It's all easy, right? (00:05:50) It's easy to meet an AI. (00:05:52) It's easy to talk to an AI. (00:05:55) It's easy to leave an AI. (00:05:58) And when intimacy is that easy, I believe we lose something vital. (00:06:04) And I'm not just talking about our tolerance for humans. (00:06:07) I'm talking about our drive. (00:06:09) Our drive for growth, (00:06:11) our ability to be uncomfortable (00:06:14) and sit there in discomfort with someone (00:06:16) and just sit in the muck, right, (00:06:18) and work it out. (00:06:21) It's what I call resistance literacy, (00:06:25) your capacity to sit there when things get uncomfortable (00:06:29) and repair. (00:06:31) And that's the discernment that we develop, (00:06:33) whether we stay or we go, (00:06:35) we know how to navigate that space. (00:06:39) Now for future generations, (00:06:40) how will they ever develop that capacity if they've never had to? (00:06:46) So the second question I want you to ask, (00:06:48) and this is after you use your AI companion, (00:06:50) is was I using that to practice (00:06:53) or was I using that to hide? (00:06:56) Now make no mistake, (00:06:58) AI companions have legitimate value. (00:07:00) We're seeing incredible use of it, (00:07:03) whether it's processing your grief at 3 am (00:07:06) or exploring a new sexuality, (00:07:09) or maybe finding your voice. (00:07:11) You know, the research that's coming out of China at the moment (00:07:14) with women that are using AI companions (00:07:16) to rehearse difficult conversations, is incredible. (00:07:20) They're using it to build confidence (00:07:22) before they bring that uncomfortable conversation to their partner. (00:07:27) And I think that's beautiful. (00:07:29) That's the practice. (00:07:32) And then I speak to founders of AI companion companies, (00:07:35) and they're building these AI sex therapy bots, (00:07:38) and they say, you would not believe (00:07:40) the amount that we confess and we confide, (00:07:43) and we tell AI sex therapists. (00:07:46) So much more than we'd ever tell a human therapist. (00:07:51) And that tracks, (00:07:52) that tracks so well with the data we're seeing coming out of the UK (00:07:55) with young boys (00:07:57) who would much rather speak to an AI (00:07:59) than speak to their parents. (00:08:03) And so the next time you're using an AI, (00:08:05) afterwards, I want you to sense, (00:08:07) well, do I feel closer to people? (00:08:12) Or do I feel further away? (00:08:13) Because if you're feeling further away, then you're hiding. (00:08:17) The final question I want you to ask, (00:08:21) what am I protecting by having rules, (00:08:23) is really about setting some agreements with yourself or your partners (00:08:27) around how we're using AI companions. (00:08:30) Because here's what I see. (00:08:33) AI companionship addiction is real. (00:08:37) If you look at the I Am Sober app, (00:08:39) which people use to quit smoking or quit alcohol, (00:08:43) there's now an option to quit chatbots. (00:08:46) So people are measuring the days of sobriety from emotional dependence (00:08:52) on an algorithm that never says no. (00:08:56) And so we need to think about what matters enough to you in intimacy, (00:09:00) that you're willing to protect it, to set a boundary around it. (00:09:04) And I'm going to give you some examples. (00:09:06) For instance, if you're dating, (00:09:08) I want you to figure out what that boundary is. (00:09:10) Maybe it's no AI for three months, right, when you're dating. (00:09:14) Instead of using the AI and uploading your WhatsApps (00:09:17) or the DMs and going, "What attachment style is he?" (00:09:20) Or "What is the subtext of that DM she sent, please tell me." (00:09:26) You know what you're going to do? (00:09:27) You're going to protect your own judgment, (00:09:29) your own sense of trust, your own intuition, (00:09:31) put AI down for the first three months, (00:09:33) and you're going to make a decision about that partner. (00:09:36) Or maybe it's with friendships. (00:09:37) You've decided, AI is great for processing, (00:09:41) but what I'm not going to do is use it as a substitute (00:09:44) to ask my friends for help, (00:09:47) for those around me that care. (00:09:49) Because what we know is, with friendship, (00:09:52) not only are protecting your vulnerability and your ability to show up, (00:09:56) you're protecting the privilege that your friends have (00:09:59) of showing up for you. (00:10:00) Because isn't that the texture, (00:10:02) the threads, the sinew of real friendship? (00:10:05) It's not just about the fun times. (00:10:08) It's about having that privilege of witnessing someone (00:10:11) during their hardest times. (00:10:14) And of course, we're going to have to navigate this (00:10:18) with our partners and our lovers. (00:10:20) What does it mean when we have AI companions (00:10:24) and our partners? (00:10:25) How are we going to deal with this? (00:10:27) Is it cheating? (00:10:28) That's going to be a negotiation you're going to decide for yourselves (00:10:31) from these days forward. (00:10:32) And maybe you decide you know what, (00:10:34) AI companions are off-limits for us. (00:10:38) And that doesn't mean that you're rigid. (00:10:40) All that means is that you've decided, we're going to do the hard work (00:10:45) of being together and showing up for each other by ourselves. (00:10:50) And I think that's important, to just set your own rules. (00:10:53) This isn't about me telling you about what rules to set, (00:10:56) but about saying set a boundary. (00:10:58) What are you willing to protect? (00:10:59) Because essentially, what you're saying is, (00:11:02) I'm not going to optimize intimacy for efficiency, (00:11:05) for a small contained machine. (00:11:08) What I'm going to do is protect the space that's uniquely human, (00:11:12) that's unreliable, that's messy, that's uncomfortable. (00:11:16) But that is human presence. (00:11:19) Because that's the practice, (00:11:21) that's the resistance literacy. (00:11:23) That is the art of showing up and being human (00:11:28) in a world that's teaching us not to be. (00:11:32) When I think about the most transformational experiences in my life, (00:11:38) they're not efficient. (00:11:39) They're not on-demand. (00:11:42) But they are intimate. (00:11:46) An orgasm, (00:11:48) heartbreak, (00:11:51) showing up for a friend, (00:11:53) being held, being rejected, oh my gosh. (00:11:57) Like, you know that moment at a party (00:11:58) when you lock eyes with your partner across a room? (00:12:02) Or dancing with a stranger? (00:12:06) What I want you to know is that the line between real intimacy (00:12:10) and artificial intimacy (00:12:12) isn't in the code. (00:12:14) It's in our choices. (00:12:17) So tonight, if you go home, go to bed, (00:12:21) and you whisper to an AI, (00:12:23) that's OK. (00:12:25) You're not alone. (00:12:27) But tomorrow, in the coffee line, (00:12:30) or maybe on a date, check in. (00:12:34) Are you still willing to be disappointed? (00:12:38) To be misunderstood? (00:12:40) To be surprised? (00:12:43) Because the most frustrating (00:12:45) and messy human relationships (00:12:49) will always teach us something that AI never can. (00:12:54) What it means to be alive, together. (00:12:59) And that's an intimacy worth protecting. (00:13:02) Thank you. (00:13:03) (Applause) (00:13:08) Cloe Shasha Brooks: Your work is so interesting and thank you for that. (00:13:11) I want to ask you a question about something that I think people (00:13:14) who are aware of this space are potentially very freaked out about, (00:13:18) which is the AI products that provide (00:13:21) both emotional and physical experiences for users. (00:13:24) What is your take on that? (00:13:26) Bryony Cole: Yeah, so everyone immediately jumps to sex robots, (00:13:30) and my take is, it's still a bit clunky. (00:13:33) (Laughter) (00:13:36) But there's some pros and cons in here. (00:13:38) I think the most important part is this ability for us to explore, right? (00:13:43) It opens up new doors for us (00:13:45) to explore inside our own minds about sexuality and fantasies. (00:13:49) The limitation is somewhat our own minds (00:13:52) and the sycophantic nature of AI, (00:13:54) where you're just going to get (00:13:56) probably the same fantasies. Where exploring with another human, (00:14:00) or, you know, outside, touching grass in the real world (00:14:03) opens up more spontaneity (00:14:05) and more opportunities that you and the prompt you put in (00:14:09) would never have thought of. (00:14:10) CSB: It’s so interesting. (00:14:11) Thank you so much for your work and for being here. (00:14:13) (Applause)