STOP making it about YOU with Evy Poumpouras | Meet your Maestro | BBC Maestro (YouTube Video Transcript)

(00:00:00) Your YouTube transcript will appear here (00:00:00) When it comes to influence, empathy is (00:00:02) king. I'm just going to tell you that. (00:00:04) Let me tell you first what empathy is (00:00:06) not. Empathy is not being vulnerable. I (00:00:09) know. I know the trend is let's all be (00:00:12) vulnerable. I'm okay with it. Just make (00:00:14) sure there's an outcome you're looking (00:00:16) for. Don't be vulnerable just to be (00:00:20) vulnerable. What's the (00:00:22) point? I want you to think about what (00:00:25) you're sharing and why. What impact does (00:00:27) it have on other people? Let me give you (00:00:30) an example. I did a podcast with um an (00:00:34) individual and prior to going to the (00:00:37) podcast, I knew his father had just (00:00:39) passed away. Now, my father had passed (00:00:42) away a little bit before that. When I (00:00:44) went to the podcast, I showed up, I saw (00:00:46) the person and I said, "Hi, good to see (00:00:48) you. You know, I heard about your (00:00:50) father. I'm really (00:00:53) sorry." I can't imagine how hard that (00:00:55) must be. and he began to tell me about (00:00:58) his dad who passed away. At no point (00:01:01) during this interaction did I say, you (00:01:04) know, my dad passed away, too. And then (00:01:07) start to offload what I went (00:01:10) through. Why Why did I not do that? (00:01:15) Because that's not (00:01:16) empathy. Because in that moment it was (00:01:19) about him and it was about him and his (00:01:21) dad and him sharing with me his struggle (00:01:24) and what he was going through. My job in (00:01:27) being empathetic was to sit and listen (00:01:30) and be there which I did later on in the (00:01:34) conversation or actually towards the end (00:01:37) it came up organically. Yeah, you know (00:01:40) my father passed away too so I can (00:01:42) understand what that was like. That was (00:01:44) it. Sometimes we think empathy is, "Oh, (00:01:48) you've been through this. Let me tell (00:01:50) you, I've been through this, too." But (00:01:52) what you're doing in that moment is (00:01:53) you're actually robbing them of that (00:01:55) moment. You're making it about you. And (00:01:58) what do we say in this course? It's not (00:02:01) about you. It's about them. Let people (00:02:04) have that moment. You don't need to (00:02:06) share. You just need to be there and (00:02:09) listen. Be an empathetic listener. (00:02:12) Empathy also isn't, "I know what you're (00:02:15) going through. I've been there." Let's (00:02:17) say, same scenario, my father hadn't (00:02:19) passed away. If I turned around and said (00:02:22) to him, "Oh, I know that must be hard." (00:02:24) Do I really know? No. Because my father (00:02:27) never passed away. Do you follow? So, (00:02:30) think about how you're engaging people. (00:02:32) Empathy is that must be really hard. I (00:02:35) can't imagine what you're going through. (00:02:37) Empathy (00:02:38) is I'm sorry you're going through that. (00:02:42) I feel for you. When you meet someone, (00:02:44) be genuinely curious about them. Forget (00:02:47) you. Don't even talk about you. You're (00:02:49) going to use TED. Tell me about (00:02:50) yourself. Explain to me what you do for (00:02:52) a living. Describe to me what you're (00:02:55) looking for in friendships or (00:02:58) relationships. Let them do the talking. (00:03:00) And then really be curious. Really be (00:03:02) listen. Don't just wait to talk. Don't (00:03:04) just wait to tell them what you want to (00:03:06) share. Don't just wait to just own the (00:03:12) conversation. Be there and be present. (00:03:15) Show people that they matter. Show (00:03:18) people that you are hearing them. Show (00:03:20) people that you want to have a good (00:03:22) relationship with them. Be genuine and (00:03:24) be curious. If you bring it's (00:03:28) going to read. People can feel it. (00:03:31) You've had it where maybe people impose (00:03:34) things on you, try to lean you to go a (00:03:36) certain (00:03:37) way. How does that go for you? You get (00:03:40) repelled from people. Keep this in mind, (00:03:43) too. Don't work so hard to try to find (00:03:46) something in common with people. (00:03:48) Sometimes we think, I have to find (00:03:50) something in common with this person so (00:03:52) that we can connect. It will organically (00:03:56) happen. You can compliment somebody on (00:03:58) their shoes or on their shirt. Yes, it's (00:04:00) a great way to kind of open that (00:04:02) dialogue or um maybe ask them about (00:04:05) having children. Maybe you have (00:04:06) children. You can do that if it (00:04:08) organically happens. The issue with (00:04:11) trying so hard to find something in (00:04:13) common with someone, it comes off fake. (00:04:17) You may have been the recipients of that (00:04:18) where people are trying really hard to, (00:04:20) oh, you do that, I do that. When it (00:04:22) happens organically, wonderful. But (00:04:25) don't work so hard to do it. What I want (00:04:27) you to do is put in the effort of (00:04:29) trying. The research shows you just (00:04:31) merely trying to connect with someone (00:04:34) and understand them is enough. It opens (00:04:37) the gateway to building trust to (00:04:40) building rapport. You can use this with (00:04:43) a family member. You can use this with (00:04:45) your kids. You can use this with a (00:04:48) colleague. You can use this as a (00:04:50) supervisor when you're trying to connect (00:04:53) with your employees. (00:04:55) That's what this (00:04:56) is. And when people feel that you are (00:04:59) actually putting the effort in to try to (00:05:03) understand where they're coming from, (00:05:04) and remember, you don't have to agree (00:05:06) where they're coming from, but you can (00:05:09) accept where they're coming from. I want (00:05:12) you to draw people in. I want people to (00:05:14) see you and for their faces to light up (00:05:17) and say, "I can't wait to speak to him. (00:05:19) Oh, I want to talk to her." That's what (00:05:21) we want. We want people to be pulled in. (00:05:24) I want you to be a magnet because when (00:05:26) you do that, you're going to have not (00:05:29) just better relationships, but more (00:05:32) opportunities. More people will be (00:05:34) coming to you. Hey, you know what? I've (00:05:35) got a great project for you. Hey, you (00:05:37) know what? I've got a new job for you. (00:05:39) Hey, you know what? I heard so and so is (00:05:41) hiring. They're going to present you (00:05:43) with these opportunities because they (00:05:45) know that you're (00:05:46) genuine, that you want to communicate (00:05:48) with people in a meaningful way. You (00:05:51) want to have relationships. Influence, (00:05:53) by the way, is not something that (00:05:55) happens fast. Forget the fast track. (00:05:59) Forget, I want this now. You can get it (00:06:01) now. It's not going to last. Put in the (00:06:04) time and energy. I want you to plant all (00:06:06) those seeds so that your relationships (00:06:09) hold strong. So that your relationships (00:06:12) hold over years. So that people you are (00:06:15) doing business with don't want to leave (00:06:18) to go do business with someone else. (00:06:21) That's when you've got it locked in. (00:06:23) That's when you've got trust, you've got (00:06:26) empathy, you got adaptability, you've (00:06:28) got all these things together and (00:06:30) somebody else is looking at you thinking (00:06:32) there is no way I am leaving you to go (00:06:35) somewhere else because you are just that (00:06:38) good for me. I like doing business with (00:06:40) you. I like the way you try to (00:06:42) understand me. I like the way you try to (00:06:44) see my perspective. I like the way you (00:06:46) adapt to problems and to issues. And I (00:06:48) appreciate the way you try to work with (00:06:51) me.