The power moves most people NEVER use with Evy Poumpouras | Meet your Maestro | BBC Maestro (YouTube Video Transcript)

(00:00:00) Your YouTube transcript will appear here (00:00:00) Self-p projection is important because (00:00:03) it's what you project out into the (00:00:05) world. And it really usually doesn't (00:00:07) have to do just with what you say. (00:00:09) Although the words we speak are (00:00:11) important, but it's everything else. So, (00:00:14) for example, when we look at (00:00:15) communication, the rules of (00:00:16) communication, the majority of what you (00:00:18) communicate to the world is through your (00:00:20) body. What are you communicating with (00:00:22) this? So, people kind of feel you. Your (00:00:25) body gives off cues. Think of it that (00:00:27) way. They're cues. And then off those (00:00:30) cues, people begin to assess you. They (00:00:31) put a picture together of what they (00:00:33) think you're like. Also, the other thing (00:00:35) people absorb from you is your paral (00:00:38) linguistics. It's your voice. It's how (00:00:40) you speak, your cadence, whether you go (00:00:43) really, really fast or slow. Do you use (00:00:45) pauses? Do you let your voice boom or do (00:00:48) you constrict it and make it super small (00:00:50) because you're shy or nervous? That's (00:00:53) projection. And you know, 7% is actually (00:00:56) the words that come out of our mouth. (00:00:57) So, the majority of what you project out (00:00:59) into the world is this. It's this tool. (00:01:02) And I want you to think about it as you (00:01:04) move. Because what we care about is how (00:01:07) you show up. An important factor to keep (00:01:10) in mind is it's it's not how you see (00:01:12) you. Yes, you matter. And obviously, our (00:01:15) internal drivers matter, right? Our (00:01:17) self-confidence and our our (00:01:19) self-regulation. But when it comes to (00:01:21) self-p projection, it's what they see. (00:01:24) It's how other people see you. And you (00:01:27) can manage that. Self-p projection is (00:01:30) what people feel when they see you. And (00:01:34) notice how I use the word feel because (00:01:36) it's what people absorb when they're (00:01:38) around us. Our essence, our ethos, our (00:01:41) way of being. That's what people really (00:01:43) get. It's not so much the words that we (00:01:45) use or what we say, but it's like it's (00:01:48) it's what we show them and how we impact (00:01:50) others. I want you to think of it like (00:01:52) this. It's your first impression. When (00:01:54) people don't know you, they've never met (00:01:56) you before. Your first impression (00:02:00) matters. It only takes about 0.425 (00:02:04) seconds for somebody to decide who they (00:02:07) think you are. And the problem is if (00:02:09) somebody makes a negative impression of (00:02:11) you, it is very very difficult to (00:02:14) reverse it. So this is why we always (00:02:16) want to try from the get- go to get (00:02:19) people to see us in the most positive (00:02:22) light. I want to set you up for success (00:02:25) from the get-go. And how you come off to (00:02:28) others, how people feel you and see you (00:02:31) matters. In the US Secret Service, I was (00:02:34) the interrogator. So, I did a lot of (00:02:36) interviews all over the country when it (00:02:39) came to trying to solve crimes. And (00:02:42) often I would go and help local police (00:02:44) departments to help them with their most (00:02:46) difficult cases. When I walked into the (00:02:48) interview room, I was always aware of (00:02:51) how I introduced myself to (00:02:53) someone. I had to keep in mind I had (00:02:56) somebody who was likely scared. Most (00:02:58) likely, they were seen as a suspect. I (00:03:01) was not a person they wanted to speak to (00:03:02) cuz anything you say or do can be used (00:03:04) against you in a court of law. So, (00:03:06) people were extremely guarded. I had to (00:03:09) work very hard to do what? Pushed on (00:03:13) those walls. I didn't want them guarded. (00:03:15) I wanted them relaxed and I wanted to (00:03:18) create an open flow of information so I (00:03:21) could come in and say, "Hi, I'm Special (00:03:23) Agent Pompurus. I'm here to interview (00:03:25) you about this particular case. Have a (00:03:30) seat." Or I could come in and say, "Hi, (00:03:33) I'm Evie. It's really nice to meet you. (00:03:35) Can I get you something to drink or a (00:03:37) glass of water? Do you need to use the (00:03:39) restroom?" Okay. Uh, please take a seat (00:03:42) anywhere you like. (00:03:44) I just gave you two versions of Evie. (00:03:47) The first version of Evie is pretty (00:03:50) strong, severe, serious. Okay. The (00:03:53) second version of Evie is, "Hey, we're (00:03:55) relaxed. Let's sit down and talk." What (00:03:58) version do I want? Well, it depends what (00:04:00) I want. The first version is I need you (00:04:03) to know I'm in charge. You look like (00:04:04) you're a handful. Let's nyx this before (00:04:07) we even start. Have a seat. I also (00:04:09) showed you where to sit and how did I (00:04:11) introduce myself? Hi, I'm special agent (00:04:14) because I just want to make sure they (00:04:15) understand that. And I used what? My (00:04:17) last name. I set the tone of how I want (00:04:21) that narrative to go. Now, if I have (00:04:24) somebody where I'm like, hm, this (00:04:26) person's going to be hard to crack. I (00:04:28) need to create some rapport, have a (00:04:30) genuine talk. I need to disarm them. Hi, (00:04:34) I'm Evie. Nice to meet you. No titles, (00:04:37) no need to remind them I'm a special (00:04:39) agent and I use my first name. Can I get (00:04:41) you a glass of water, something to (00:04:43) drink? Do you need to use a restroom? (00:04:45) Very human things, very relaxed things. (00:04:48) And then also, instead of telling them (00:04:50) where to sit, I said, "Please take a (00:04:52) seat anywhere you like." Because I want (00:04:55) them to have a different version of (00:04:56) Evie. When people see you as a person of (00:04:59) authority, they're more likely to listen (00:05:01) to you. They're more likely to say yes (00:05:04) to you. They are less likely to (00:05:06) challenge you. (00:05:08) It means that they see you as someone (00:05:10) who knows their stuff. They see you as (00:05:12) somebody who is competent. They see you (00:05:14) as somebody who is a leader. They see (00:05:17) you as somebody that they can follow, (00:05:20) that they can trust. Now, how does that (00:05:23) manifest? One of the ways you can do (00:05:25) this is to speak with (00:05:27) conviction. Here's the thing. If you (00:05:30) don't believe in what you are saying, (00:05:32) then how do you expect other people to (00:05:35) believe in what you are saying? It's not (00:05:37) the message, it's the messenger. I do (00:05:41) the news today and one of the things I (00:05:43) always have to keep in mind is am I (00:05:46) delivering the information in a way that (00:05:48) exudes authority? Meaning, I know my (00:05:51) stuff. I've done my homework. I've (00:05:53) prepared. You can listen to what I'm (00:05:55) saying and you can trust in what I am (00:05:58) saying. (00:05:59) In 2012, they did a study of politicians (00:06:03) running for office and they wanted to (00:06:05) see which politicians would likely win. (00:06:08) Were there any common traits of all the (00:06:10) people who won? The one trait that they (00:06:13) found was paral linguistics. They (00:06:16) commanded their voice. They spoke with (00:06:18) authority. They spoke with conviction. (00:06:21) They actually even used their deeper (00:06:23) tone of voice. Sometimes we don't (00:06:26) realize that we may go high, we may go (00:06:30) super fast because our voice kind of (00:06:33) think of it like it's almost like it (00:06:36) captures everything we've been through (00:06:37) in life. So if we've been told to lower (00:06:40) our voice or we've been told to hurry it (00:06:42) up or maybe we've gotten the message, (00:06:44) you don't matter, stop talking, that can (00:06:47) be captured in our voice. Often the (00:06:49) voice we use, it's not our true voice. (00:06:52) So, I encourage you take a step back, (00:06:55) listen to yourself speak. You might (00:06:57) cringe at this. Record yourself. Listen (00:07:00) to what you sound like. And if you don't (00:07:02) like what you sound like, that's okay. (00:07:05) Change it. Use the voice that resonates (00:07:08) most with you. Find your true voice, not (00:07:12) the voice that you've manufactured or (00:07:15) created because other people maybe have (00:07:18) imposed things on you to make you think (00:07:20) you should speak a certain way. (00:07:22) Sometimes we also want to pay attention (00:07:24) who we're speaking to. So you may have (00:07:26) to adapt your paral linguistics (00:07:28) sometimes to fit the situation. I'll (00:07:32) give you an example. I did an interview (00:07:35) and it was an interview where there was (00:07:37) a 3-month-old baby who had been abused. (00:07:40) The baby had suffered an injury and they (00:07:43) suspected that the nanny did the injury. (00:07:45) Now, the nanny had been interviewed (00:07:47) multiple times by different authority (00:07:50) figures in law enforcement. Each time (00:07:52) she was interviewed, nope. Nope. I don't (00:07:54) know anything. I didn't do anything. So, (00:07:57) I get a phone call and I was asked to go (00:08:00) help the local police. So, I go to this (00:08:03) police department and I sit down and I (00:08:05) meet the nanny. Now, this is my hardened (00:08:07) criminal. My hardened criminal sat like (00:08:10) this. She had a really soft voice and (00:08:13) she kept looking down. (00:08:15) Now, I brought in Secret Service Agent (00:08:17) Evie. But clearly in this moment, that (00:08:20) wouldn't work. So, what did I do? I read (00:08:23) who I had across the room. She was (00:08:25) afraid. She was quiet. She was soft. I (00:08:29) needed to match her. I needed to adapt (00:08:31) to her. If I came in guns ablazing (00:08:34) heavy, I would have shut her down. So, I (00:08:36) sat down and I had a conversation with (00:08:40) her. Hi, how are you? I softened my (00:08:43) tone. I tried to meet her at her (00:08:46) gaze. I brought a version of myself that (00:08:49) adapted to her. I also matched my paral (00:08:52) linguistics to (00:08:53) hers. Hour and a half later, I had a (00:08:57) confession. You can project the tone of (00:09:00) what you want people to absorb in (00:09:03) something as simple as your introduction (00:09:05) to them. So, pay attention to the cues (00:09:08) that you give off. Think about your (00:09:10) presence and how you honestly like how (00:09:12) do you enter a room? Do you pay (00:09:14) attention to your body or do you just (00:09:16) walk in? How do you carry yourself? How (00:09:19) do you command yourself? How do you sit (00:09:20) at the table? In fact, here's an (00:09:22) exercise. Next time you have a work (00:09:24) meeting, I want you to sit down and (00:09:26) assess every single person in that room. (00:09:29) Look at how they're sitting and then (00:09:32) then look at what cues they're giving (00:09:33) off. Size them up. This person is this. (00:09:36) This person is this. this person is (00:09:38) this. There's no magic pill. There's no (00:09:42) magic bullet. It's not, hey, do this one (00:09:44) thing. Boom. Everybody's going to be (00:09:46) eating out of your hands. No, it's all (00:09:48) the little things you do, one thing (00:09:51) after another after another after (00:09:53) another. It's all these little things (00:09:55) that we are talking about here today (00:09:57) that if you do them and if you (00:09:59) incorporate them into your life, if you (00:10:01) pay attention and if you're deliberate (00:10:03) and you think through these things, (00:10:05) you're going to make the changes that (00:10:07) you want. But you have to care. I can't (00:10:09) care for you. You have to care. If you (00:10:12) do care and you want to change the (00:10:14) projection that you put out into the (00:10:16) world, then I'm here for you.