Silicon Valley Athletics Seminar with Dr. Adam Dell | April 14th, 2024 (YouTube Video Transcript)

(00:00:00) Your YouTube transcript will appear here (00:00:00) my name is Adam uh I'm a clinical (00:00:03) psychologist I actually live in South (00:00:05) Bend (00:00:06) Indiana uh where I work at the (00:00:08) University of Notre Dame uh I provide (00:00:11) therapy on a multi-disciplinary team (00:00:13) there for uh faculty and staff in the (00:00:15) athletics department so I don't I don't (00:00:17) deal with the students uh in terms of (00:00:19) therapy but I work with faculty and and (00:00:22) staff from all over the world um as well (00:00:25) as the athletics department which is a (00:00:26) pretty interesting group and then I (00:00:28) speak across the country for seven years (00:00:31) I was an officer in the Air Force and so (00:00:33) I served as a consultant there to (00:00:36) military members and to commanders and (00:00:39) uh and now I teach it just a part-time (00:00:41) basis at a couple of schools as well so (00:00:44) I've been in the field of Behavioral (00:00:46) Health for 20 years and uh so what I'd (00:00:49) like to talk to you a little bit about (00:00:51) today Joey asked me to come out to talk (00:00:53) about emotional wellbeing I know many of (00:00:55) you come here to the building and (00:00:57) emotional well-being might be um (00:01:00) something that comes along with Fitness (00:01:02) and and physical health um so I'd love (00:01:05) to talk to you a little bit about that (00:01:07) but but I'd also since I've been a (00:01:09) clinician for a long time I'd like to (00:01:11) actually Lead You In some things that I (00:01:13) do with people clinically now this won't (00:01:15) be group (00:01:16) therapy uh but I hope it will be (00:01:19) therapeutic at least uh for some of you (00:01:22) so we're going to do an exercise (00:01:23) together none of you will be required to (00:01:25) do it but I'd like to Lead You In (00:01:27) something so that we could have an (00:01:29) experience together (00:01:31) of something that I think will be more (00:01:33) instructive than mere instructions could (00:01:35) ever hope to be um Joey said I only have (00:01:39) four hours to talk to you just kidding (00:01:42) um I'm going to be done in about an hour (00:01:45) probably and at any point if you have a (00:01:47) question or a comment or please feel (00:01:50) free to interject or or raise your hand (00:01:53) that's perfectly fine um we'll just (00:01:57) we'll have this go the way that you'd (00:01:58) like it to um so that's enough about me (00:02:01) I'm a (00:02:02) father uh I'm a husband and uh and in (00:02:06) the last year I've lost about 70 lbs (00:02:09) actually um after I got out of the Air (00:02:12) Force I did what a lot of people do (00:02:14) after they get out of a career field (00:02:16) that literally requires you have a way (00:02:18) size to stay in and gives you five to (00:02:20) eight hours each working week to (00:02:22) exercise during the duty day and I (00:02:25) gained a bunch of weight I wasn't eating (00:02:27) well and I wasn't sleeping well and I (00:02:30) was drinking too much alcohol and then (00:02:32) my wife got pregnant unexpectedly in our (00:02:35) 40s we got pregnant again and I had a (00:02:38) big wakeup call realizing I want to be (00:02:41) very healthy and so you know when I work (00:02:44) with people clinically oftentimes (00:02:45) encourage them find a why or a reason (00:02:49) for gold directed Behavior tied to love (00:02:52) and not fear or shame or self-contempt (00:02:56) if you connect it to love you'll connect (00:02:59) to an inextinguishable resource in your (00:03:01) heart like fuel that'll never go away (00:03:04) and so for me it was I love Amelia so (00:03:07) much even though she's not born yet I (00:03:09) want to be healthy and I want to still (00:03:10) be able to kick soccer balls around with (00:03:12) her or go to her high school graduation (00:03:14) as a 60-some year old as I was born in (00:03:17) 199 of your business and and be healthy (00:03:20) enough to interact with her you know a (00:03:22) little bit or at least intimidating (00:03:24) enough for any significant other she (00:03:26) brings around the house so um so so you (00:03:29) know I share that not to necessarily Pat (00:03:31) myself on the back I I probably wasn't (00:03:34) being very wise and self-disciplined to (00:03:36) get myself into that kind of a Health (00:03:38) crisis in the first place but but also (00:03:40) to say that you can have a doctoral (00:03:43) degree in (00:03:44) well-being but still not live like that (00:03:47) or eat like (00:03:48) that uh and so I I just I think of all (00:03:52) of us as just fellow Travelers on the (00:03:53) road of life and um and and perhaps (00:03:57) we're all in a journey that'll continue (00:03:58) through the rest of our life so so so (00:04:01) here's what we're going to do I'm going (00:04:02) to tell you a few stories because I (00:04:04) think stories are way more instructive (00:04:05) than instructions could ever hope to be (00:04:08) then we're going to do an exercise and (00:04:09) then I'm going to tell you why in the (00:04:10) world we did the exercise and then if (00:04:12) you have any questions for me or we'll (00:04:14) just kind of wrap up organically I'll (00:04:16) hang out up here at the end each of you (00:04:19) should have a piece of paper and a (00:04:21) writing utensil and if you don't um I've (00:04:25) got some extras here so if you if you'd (00:04:28) like to to to get that that it's going (00:04:31) to be connected to the exercise and then (00:04:33) also you know since I was a very Junior (00:04:36) clinician I always shared with people (00:04:38) research and and and (00:04:41) booksc partly from a place of insecurity (00:04:43) to be totally honest with you I didn't (00:04:45) want people to think that they were only (00:04:46) hearing like Adam's anecdotes and (00:04:48) therapy it's like don't take my word for (00:04:51) it like take these really smart people (00:04:53) but also it's like listen you're not (00:04:55) going to remember most of what I say but (00:04:57) I'm going to throw a lot of resources (00:04:59) and ideas that including some books (00:05:02) which actually might be the kind of (00:05:03) thing that makes this all worthwhile for (00:05:05) some of you I don't know how this will (00:05:07) land for for any one of you but for (00:05:09) example when I was talking to you about (00:05:11) my weight loss it 90% had to do with (00:05:14) nutrition for me which set me on a path (00:05:17) in the last year of reading the best (00:05:19) research that we have from a nutritional (00:05:21) Psychiatry (00:05:22) standpoint which is a really fast-paced (00:05:25) growing field where in randomized (00:05:28) control trial studies that the highest (00:05:30) caliber studies that you can do you take (00:05:32) a group of people that have anxiety or (00:05:34) depression and you randomly assign some (00:05:36) of them to medicine and randomly (00:05:39) assigned others to (00:05:41) nutrition uh nutritional (00:05:44) biochemistry and fascinatingly when (00:05:46) these studies are done well and (00:05:48) controlled well the nutrition group (00:05:51) actually does a lot better not only at (00:05:54) healing gut health which is where our (00:05:56) serotonin is (00:05:58) created but also in mitigating (00:06:01) psychiatric (00:06:02) symptoms and so two of the authors in (00:06:05) that space if you're not familiar with (00:06:07) them UMO is brilliant she's Harvard (00:06:10) trained uh oh boy these are really (00:06:12) skinny markers let me see n AI D (00:06:17) oo Uma is her first name Harvard trained (00:06:22) also has a nutrition science degree and (00:06:25) is classically trained as a chef so (00:06:27) she's sort of like a unicorn you know (00:06:29) it's like I don't know that you'd ever (00:06:31) find two people like that in the world (00:06:34) uh what's fascinating about her book (00:06:36) it's called this is your brain on (00:06:42) food well this is the darkest one (00:06:45) unfortunately yeah I'm so sorry about (00:06:48) that um this is your brain on food is is (00:06:52) what it's (00:06:53) titled uh here's what I love about this (00:06:56) book if you're not if you don't have (00:06:58) time in your life to read entire books (00:07:00) just because some bald guy mentioned it (00:07:01) on a Sunday afternoon it's not meant to (00:07:04) be read cover to cover so for example if (00:07:08) you have any experience with anxiety for (00:07:10) example or insomnia or depression or (00:07:14) ADHD there's chapters in the book (00:07:16) dedicated to each one of these things (00:07:18) you just flip it open to that chapter (00:07:21) and she'll go through vitamins minerals (00:07:23) and food groups which have been studied (00:07:25) in these randomized control trial (00:07:26) studies but then the back end of her (00:07:28) book is all recipes cuz she's a chef so (00:07:31) it's brilliant you know it's like at my (00:07:34) house we don't cook a lot with things (00:07:35) like saffron or I wouldn't exactly know (00:07:38) what I would need to cook with to make (00:07:40) sure that my family is getting adequate (00:07:41) selenium and (00:07:43) folate but she's got recipes jam packed (00:07:46) full of this kind of thing so she's a (00:07:48) great a great uh clinician in that space (00:07:53) again trained as a psychiatrist so so (00:07:56) maybe for some of you that will be the (00:07:58) thing that was really valuable about (00:08:00) coming today um let let me tell you a (00:08:03) story several years ago maybe 10 years (00:08:06) ago now I spent several weeks uh with (00:08:11) some Elders from the Navajo tribe which (00:08:15) is a Native American group of people who (00:08:18) now live primarily uh on their (00:08:21) reservation in New Mexico and Arizona I (00:08:24) lived in Arizona at the time I had the (00:08:26) opportunity to be a consultant to them (00:08:28) primarily for for for mental health and (00:08:31) just general health issues that the (00:08:33) tribe was facing it was an incalculable (00:08:36) privilege during that time I learned (00:08:38) many legendary stories of that people (00:08:40) group and I'm going to share one with (00:08:44) you they have a story which is so (00:08:50) relatable that it smacks as almost like (00:08:53) it's got to be there's got to be some (00:08:54) truth to it you know um they have a (00:08:57) story of how they discovered the Grand (00:08:59) Canyon have any of you ever been to the (00:09:01) Grand Canyon here in the states or it's (00:09:04) it's appropriately named it's not a (00:09:06) small Canyon in fact the first time I (00:09:08) took my wife there we stood on the edge (00:09:10) and she started weeping and it was a (00:09:12) time when we had almost no money at all (00:09:14) we scraped our money together I took her (00:09:16) on this trip and I took her to the edge (00:09:18) of this and she started crying and like (00:09:19) a typical male I thought oh this is (00:09:21) going terrible you know I've ruin this (00:09:24) vacation you know and she said she said (00:09:27) something that I'll never forget she (00:09:28) said it's both haunting and beautiful (00:09:32) like it's (00:09:33) terrifying and it's also (00:09:36) beautiful excuse me so so anyway (00:09:40) according to the legend there was a time (00:09:42) in human history when things like that (00:09:44) could exist but everyone that you knew (00:09:47) didn't know that it was there yet there (00:09:48) were no Google Maps and things like this (00:09:51) and so the the tribes people had a (00:09:53) tradition then when boys would (00:09:55) transition from Boyhood to manhood I (00:09:58) promise this has a a meaning I'm telling (00:10:00) you this story and around a young young (00:10:03) male's life about 14 years of age the (00:10:06) tribe would get together and they would (00:10:08) have a huge ceremony with religious (00:10:10) regalia he would get dressed up they (00:10:12) would have a bit of a feast this was his (00:10:14) transition to man and for the only time (00:10:17) in a young Navajo person's life he would (00:10:20) intentionally ride away from the tribe (00:10:23) with intention to be gone for several (00:10:25) days of course this would have been very (00:10:27) dangerous if you had just did that on a (00:10:29) regular (00:10:30) basis and yet this was part of kind of a (00:10:33) a religious (00:10:35) pilgrimage now I mentioned that the (00:10:38) being alone is a vulnerable thing piece (00:10:40) because all of the best Behavioral (00:10:43) Science research that we have would (00:10:44) suggest that basically the only thing (00:10:47) that predicts lifelong flourishing for (00:10:50) human beings is relational (00:10:53) connectedness like money doesn't predict (00:10:55) it even health status doesn't predict it (00:10:59) nearly as strong as being connected to a (00:11:04) tribe uh Martin Selman at the University (00:11:07) of Pennsylvania wrote a terrific book (00:11:10) called (00:11:11) flourish f l u r i s h (00:11:15) flourish and in that book he has a Perma (00:11:18) Model Five domains of human flourishing (00:11:21) the relational one is really the only (00:11:22) one that actually predicts how people (00:11:25) do Harvard did a tremendous study over (00:11:29) 70 years fallowing the same group of (00:11:31) people every year collecting data on (00:11:33) them all kinds of data did you go to (00:11:36) jail this year or not what's your health (00:11:38) status like let's get lab work done how (00:11:40) much money did you make are you married (00:11:42) do you have children all kinds of stuff (00:11:45) like that the only thing that fell out (00:11:47) of that study is being really predictive (00:11:50) of living long and happy lives was (00:11:53) relational connectedness so what the (00:11:55) tribe was asking this kid to do was kind (00:11:58) of immediately threaten (00:12:00) but it was also contrary this religious (00:12:03) tradition to what would lead to a (00:12:06) long-term flourishing life so (00:12:07) necessarily it was just a day or two now (00:12:10) now here's where the story takes a turn (00:12:12) and it smacks of something like so human (00:12:15) that I think there must be some veracity (00:12:17) to it they hand this kid in you know his (00:12:22) uh his trajectory towards manhood a pipe (00:12:25) filled with peyote do you know what (00:12:28) peyote is it's a hallucinogenic Cactus (00:12:32) like so hallucinogenic in fact that if (00:12:34) you were to consume some of it or smoke (00:12:36) it you would go on quite a trip and in (00:12:39) the spirit of manhood this kid takes the (00:12:41) pipe and takes a man-sized hit of the (00:12:43) pipe hands it back and takes off on his (00:12:46) horse chasing who knows what he had (00:12:49) already consumed a lot of the wacky (00:12:51) cacti I don't know what he was chasing (00:12:54) but according to the legend this kid (00:12:56) rode on that horse for like a day and a (00:12:58) half until eventually both he and the (00:13:01) horse were on the edge of something that (00:13:04) his people had not yet discovered the (00:13:06) Grand (00:13:08) Canyon according to the legend the kid (00:13:11) was so terrified of the Spectre of this (00:13:14) giant void that he jumped off his horse (00:13:18) and the horse takes off and he tied (00:13:21) himself to a shrub near the edge of the (00:13:24) canyon because he was he was petrified (00:13:26) he was going to get pulled in and be (00:13:28) lost forever he must have thought he was (00:13:30) on the edge of the world and that was (00:13:33) even before he had used the Peyote I (00:13:35) don't know what this kid was (00:13:37) thinking but he was scared and so he (00:13:39) tied himself down to something now if (00:13:41) you could imagine this as a movie scene (00:13:43) and the camera scans back and you see a (00:13:46) young person terrified maybe still (00:13:49) hallucinating far from home tying (00:13:52) himself down to a tree you'd (00:13:56) think you're not doing yourself many (00:13:58) favors here man (00:14:01) right now according to the legend the (00:14:04) people realized something terrible had (00:14:06) happened they tracked the horse they (00:14:08) eventually found this kid according to (00:14:10) the legend they sort of lovingly untied (00:14:13) him and they brought him back to the (00:14:15) tribe and I never thought to ask did he (00:14:18) come back as a man or as a boy like did (00:14:20) this poor traumatized person have to do (00:14:22) this all over again I don't (00:14:24) know here's why I share that story with (00:14:26) you I think it is so related able to our (00:14:30) Human Experience when we are plotting (00:14:33) through the normal transitions of life (00:14:36) and then all of a (00:14:38) sudden the ground opens up in front of (00:14:41) us now we might call that a negative (00:14:43) life event we might call that grief we (00:14:45) might call that a traumatic event (00:14:48) definitionally you know what trauma is (00:14:50) trauma is something so difficult that we (00:14:53) can't possibly comprehend it that's why (00:14:56) it it drives us to our knees and and (00:14:59) everybody in this room has had or is on (00:15:02) the precipice of some Canyon type events (00:15:06) in their (00:15:07) lives that kid couldn't have even (00:15:09) comprehended that something like that (00:15:11) existed and yet there he was on the edge (00:15:13) of it and you know what's so relatable (00:15:15) about his story is when we are scared we (00:15:19) will tie ourselves to almost (00:15:23) anything that makes us feel (00:15:26) safe and it usually has to do with (00:15:32) avoidance right like like like who in (00:15:36) here does not relate to the idea that we (00:15:40) can tie ourselves to (00:15:44) distractions or hire certain things like (00:15:47) substances or scrolling or screens or (00:15:52) entertainment or sex or you know you (00:15:55) fill in the blank I'm going to tie (00:15:57) myself to this because I'm scared but (00:15:59) temporarily this makes me feel secure (00:16:02) this makes me feel (00:16:04) safe (00:16:06) right however in the long run that thing (00:16:10) will kill you or it could right like the (00:16:13) costs of that are so darn (00:16:18) High there's a there's a phrase that we (00:16:20) use in a lot of solution oriented (00:16:22) therapy that the problem isn't the (00:16:24) problem Your solution is the (00:16:27) problem right it's like like the (00:16:29) Canyon's GNA be there pal but you tying (00:16:32) yourself to this tree away from everyone (00:16:36) who loves you away from food and water (00:16:40) and resources and life in a future (00:16:42) that's going to become your biggest (00:16:44) problem of (00:16:46) all so I lead with that and we're going (00:16:49) to end with something similar to that (00:16:52) because what we're going to do in the (00:16:54) middle here is an (00:16:56) exercise which actually I hope will move (00:16:59) us in the opposite direction of being (00:17:02) avoidant or tying ourselves down to (00:17:04) something now many people who come to (00:17:07) see a psychologist are there because of (00:17:10) something that we might refer to as the (00:17:11) problem of something that's present so (00:17:14) like many people will come in and (00:17:15) they'll want to talk to me because they (00:17:17) have depression and they want that to (00:17:19) come down or they've had a canyon like (00:17:21) traumatic experience and there's (00:17:23) symptoms afterwards and they want to be (00:17:25) rid of those some people will come (00:17:27) because they have a sleep disorder (00:17:29) anxiety or something like that and I (00:17:31) want that down and I'm all for the (00:17:34) amelioration of suffering if we can do (00:17:36) that there's some good treatments that (00:17:37) we can offer to people that don't have (00:17:40) the kind of side effects that (00:17:41) psychopharmacology has medicine that (00:17:44) actually does help people to feel less (00:17:48) bad but what I'm also interested in is (00:17:51) not so much the problem of what's (00:17:53) present but also the problem of what's (00:17:57) absent like what what have you radically (00:18:00) amputated outside of your life because (00:18:04) of (00:18:05) fear like if that kid stayed tied to (00:18:09) that shrub for a week what would he miss (00:18:12) out (00:18:13) on what has been the costs of avoidance (00:18:17) in his life now it's very human for us (00:18:21) to engage in avoidance I've got two (00:18:23) young daughters at my house and if they (00:18:25) touch something hot they'll immediately (00:18:27) recoil their hands right when something (00:18:31) hurts us we immediately want to want to (00:18:33) push back from it but the cost of (00:18:36) avoidance are so high when avoidance (00:18:40) becomes the theme song in our (00:18:45) lives sometimes people have avoidance (00:18:47) show up in their life because they (00:18:49) refuse to have certain memories some (00:18:51) people have avoidance in their life by (00:18:53) saying my heart has been broken and (00:18:55) therefore I'll never blank again right (00:18:59) I'll never date again I'll never trust (00:19:01) again I'll never be sexually intimate (00:19:03) with a partner (00:19:04) again at great great personal cost like (00:19:07) you can almost like metaphorically just (00:19:09) see somebody like just tying themselves (00:19:12) down and the pernicious nature of (00:19:14) avoidance right is in the immediacy it (00:19:18) actually is quite reinforcing it's like (00:19:21) sh so glad I don't have to deal with (00:19:23) that (00:19:24) Canyon it's like but again you like to (00:19:27) scroll the camera back you're not doing (00:19:30) yourself any favors (00:19:32) here so let me transition to an exercise (00:19:37) I'm going to invite you to participate (00:19:38) in this if you would like but you do not (00:19:41) have to if it becomes emotional or (00:19:44) overwhelming and you want to stop doing (00:19:46) it then just stop doing it I'm going to (00:19:49) do it with you and I'm going to do it (00:19:52) with my eyes shut and I would invite you (00:19:55) also to consider closing your eyes for (00:19:57) this at least in part because I'm going (00:20:00) to ask you to focus on some things from (00:20:02) your past and your present and it's easy (00:20:06) to get awfully distracted when our eyes (00:20:08) are open I'm also going to shut my eyes (00:20:10) so that you don't think I'm like staring (00:20:12) at you the whole time you know like that (00:20:14) would be strange so so so I would invite (00:20:16) you to do that if you'd like this will (00:20:19) take about 15 minutes or so for us to (00:20:21) walk through this it's something that (00:20:23) I've borrowed from acceptance and (00:20:25) commitment therapy and it's actually (00:20:27) something that I do with a lot of IND (00:20:29) individuals at a place like the (00:20:30) University of Notre Dame in one of our (00:20:33) first or second sessions now again this (00:20:35) is not intended to be group therapy but (00:20:39) I think if we were willing to (00:20:41) participate in this right I think of the (00:20:44) human heart as like a giant switch that (00:20:48) can be flipped from either no or (00:20:51) yes avoidance is flipping our switch to (00:20:55) the no spot I can't have this I'm not (00:20:58) going to try this I I don't want to do (00:21:00) certain things if we're willing to flip (00:21:02) to the yes it doesn't necessarily mean (00:21:04) that it's easy or even that everything (00:21:06) goes well but it almost just like opens (00:21:08) us up to be able to receive what might (00:21:11) be (00:21:12) available so I'm going to close my eyes (00:21:16) and if all of you get up and leave I (00:21:18) might not even know you if you shut your (00:21:21) eyes that's fine if you don't that's (00:21:24) okay as well (00:21:30) for today the way in which we'll think (00:21:33) about mindfulness is drawing our (00:21:35) attention in a voluntary way to (00:21:39) something that's happening right (00:21:41) now in a way that we could be more aware (00:21:44) of it and curious about it or or perhaps (00:21:48) even a little bit more participative (00:21:50) with it mindfulness ladies and gentlemen (00:21:54) is not about (00:21:56) relaxation it's not about emptying our (00:21:58) head heads of (00:22:00) thoughts it's about becoming more (00:22:03) aware of something here and now so that (00:22:07) we can be more participative with it and (00:22:10) doing something like this just three to (00:22:14) five minutes a (00:22:15) day dramatically increases the (00:22:19) likelihood that we'll accomplish goals (00:22:21) in our life and dramatically reduces (00:22:24) things that are unwanted like anxiety or (00:22:28) depression (00:22:30) now I know of no better way to do this (00:22:33) than to draw our (00:22:34) attention to sensory information which (00:22:37) is almost always available to us but (00:22:41) that we rarely pay attention (00:22:45) to and so I would invite you perhaps for (00:22:49) the first time since I've started (00:22:51) talking to you today to draw your (00:22:54) attention to what it feels like to (00:22:58) breathe (00:23:08) you might notice the coolness of air as (00:23:11) you breathe it (00:23:13) in or how your body warms it slightly (00:23:16) and you can sense that on the (00:23:21) exhale you might notice a subtle rise (00:23:24) and fall in your chest or your (00:23:27) abdomen as you breathe in (00:23:30) and as you breathe (00:23:33) out I would invite you at your own pace (00:23:37) to just take (00:23:39) three slow breaths in and out and see if (00:23:42) you can notice what that feels like to (00:23:48) inhale and to Exhale (00:24:06) and as you continue to breathe for many (00:24:09) people our minds get very busy when we (00:24:11) do something like this random thoughts (00:24:14) judgmental thoughts weird thoughts about (00:24:17) things we have to it's totally okay to (00:24:20) have those in fact I would almost (00:24:22) encourage you to visualize those as as (00:24:25) leaves that are bobbing down the stream (00:24:27) of your Consciousness you don't need rid (00:24:29) of them you don't need to judge them you (00:24:32) can just notice that they're floating by (00:24:34) and then gently redirect your attention (00:24:37) back to what it feels like to (00:24:49) breathe some people find it's helpful to (00:24:52) visualize their breath is occurring in (00:24:54) the shape of a (00:24:55) rectangle where they draw a slow breath (00:24:58) in forming a long edge of the rectangle (00:25:01) and then at the top of each breath (00:25:03) they're neither breathing in nor (00:25:04) breathing out forming a short edge of (00:25:06) the rectangle then a long slow breath (00:25:09) out at the bottom of each breath neither (00:25:12) breathing out nor breathing in (00:25:29) there was a time in your (00:25:32) history when you took your first (00:25:37) breath and there will be a time in your (00:25:40) history when you take your (00:25:44) last and we find ourselves between those (00:25:48) two breaths right (00:25:51) now and it's an extraordinary (00:25:55) thing to be alive (00:25:59) to be (00:26:01) conscious to be (00:26:05) present to (00:26:12) breathe and as you continue to breathe (00:26:14) in a connected present conscious (00:26:18) moment I'd like to (00:26:22) transition to invite you to do a bit of (00:26:24) a visualization exercise with me if (00:26:28) you're comfortable with your eyes still (00:26:30) closed and breathing at your own (00:26:33) pace all of this is internal I'm not (00:26:36) expecting anyone to say anything out (00:26:37) loud I'd like for each of us to (00:26:40) visualize (00:26:42) ourself in Our Minds Eye seated in a (00:26:48) chair and to really do that to to to see (00:26:52) yourself as you are (00:26:54) today seated in a chair in your mind (00:27:02) and again as you continue to breathe and (00:27:04) you visualize yourself (00:27:07) there I'd like for you to bring to (00:27:10) mind (00:27:12) something from your pastor your (00:27:15) present that has been rather difficult (00:27:18) for you (00:27:20) recently something (00:27:26) painful it could be a canyon type event (00:27:29) from your life it could be a (00:27:31) relationship it could be something you (00:27:34) feel very stuck (00:27:37) in could be something like the problem (00:27:39) of what's (00:27:41) present something you've been carrying (00:27:43) that's been heavy and difficult for (00:27:46) you and as you visualize yourself seated (00:27:49) in a chair I'd like for you to imagine (00:27:51) that this pain could join you in the (00:27:55) scene that it would be almost physically (00:27:57) manifested and sitting (00:27:59) on your (00:28:00) lap and that it's there with you as you (00:28:04) sit in the (00:28:08) chair and then I'd like for you to (00:28:10) imagine that sitting next to you on the (00:28:12) floor next to the chair is a small box (00:28:16) roughly the shape and the size of a shoe (00:28:18) box and I'd like for you to visualize (00:28:20) yourself reaching down and collecting (00:28:23) that box and bringing it up and then (00:28:26) taking the lid off of that box and (00:28:28) taking this painful (00:28:31) thing and sort of Folding It In on (00:28:35) itself and placing it inside of the (00:28:38) box and then placing the lid on top of (00:28:42) the box and resting the Box on your (00:28:47) lap and to visualize yourself now seated (00:28:51) in a chair with this box on your lap (00:28:55) you're not rid of this pain you've not (00:28:57) vanquished it (00:28:59) or made it even that much smaller it's (00:29:01) still with you but now there's some some (00:29:04) edges around it and there's a lid on top (00:29:08) of it it's (00:29:09) contained but it's still with you just (00:29:12) to notice as you see yourself seated in (00:29:15) a chair with this box on your lap what (00:29:17) that might feel (00:29:19) like to have this with you but to have (00:29:22) it with you in a slightly different way (00:29:29) and as you continue to breathe and (00:29:31) visualize yourself with this box on your (00:29:34) lap I'd just like for you to bring to (00:29:36) mind that there's 30 or so people in the (00:29:39) room human beings here with you (00:29:43) today that are each also visualizing (00:29:48) themselves with a box on their (00:29:50) lap with something very painful inside (00:29:53) of (00:29:55) it that there's something very (00:30:00) human that connects you to the fabric of (00:30:04) humanity about carrying (00:30:06) pain you're not (00:30:08) alone in doing (00:30:12) that and if there were 300 or 3,000 or (00:30:17) 300,000 people that were all doing this (00:30:20) they would also each be able quite (00:30:23) easily to visualize themselves sitting (00:30:26) with something very painful (00:30:29) just sort of notice what that feels (00:30:35) like and as you visualize yourself (00:30:37) seated in this chair with this box on (00:30:39) your (00:30:40) lap I'd like for you now to bring to (00:30:43) mind someone from your past or your (00:30:45) present who was genuinely for you (00:30:49) someone you actually knew someone who (00:30:52) truly seemed to care about you not in a (00:30:55) perfect way but in a consistent way (00:30:58) could be a a parent or a parental figure (00:31:00) a grandparent or a grandparent figure (00:31:04) could be a dear dear friend or a lover (00:31:08) or or a sibling it could be a colleague (00:31:11) or a coach or a teacher or a professor (00:31:14) it's just very important that you'd (00:31:17) identify someone from your past or your (00:31:21) present and perhaps even someone who (00:31:24) might have something kind or wise to (00:31:27) offer to you you in a moment like (00:31:31) this and once you've identified that (00:31:33) person I'd like for you to imagine that (00:31:36) this person is going to join you in the (00:31:38) scene as you sit there with this box on (00:31:41) your lap I'd like for you to imagine (00:31:43) that this person is going to pull up a (00:31:45) chair directly across from you they're (00:31:48) going to sit down at the chair and as (00:31:51) they sit down that their eyes make eye (00:31:54) contact with (00:31:56) yours and for the sake of the exercise I (00:31:59) want you to imagine that this (00:32:01) person has a fairly good understanding (00:32:04) of what's inside your (00:32:06) box not as painfully and intimately as (00:32:11) you do but that this person knows about (00:32:14) what's in there and as their eyes make (00:32:17) eye contact with yours that they're (00:32:20) aware of what's (00:32:24) inside and I'd like for you to imagine (00:32:26) what their eyes would look like is they (00:32:28) look at you in a moment like this like (00:32:32) the (00:32:33) expression in their (00:32:36) eyes and for you to notice what it feels (00:32:39) like to be (00:32:41) seen and (00:32:43) known and cared for in a moment like (00:32:48) this and to visualize not just their (00:32:51) eyes but but their (00:32:54) nose and their mouth and the shape of (00:32:57) their face and their their (00:33:00) hair and their facial expression and how (00:33:03) they might be looking at (00:33:05) you in a moment like this as you carry (00:33:10) something very (00:33:12) painful and again to notice what it (00:33:15) feels like to be accompanied and seen (00:33:19) and (00:33:21) loved as you hold (00:33:25) this and then on the basis of how this (00:33:29) person has cared for you in the past the (00:33:32) kindness that they've shown you the (00:33:35) reasons why you selected them to join (00:33:38) you in this scene I'd like for you to (00:33:39) imagine if this person had just one (00:33:43) sentence or one sentiment that they (00:33:47) might want to remind you of or tell you (00:33:51) related to this painful thing that (00:33:53) you're carrying one bit of Truth wrapped (00:33:56) in love straight to your heart what (00:34:00) would it (00:34:04) be can you connect with (00:34:07) that I'd like for you to imagine that (00:34:10) you could almost hear it in the tone of (00:34:13) their voice what they would want to (00:34:16) remind you of or tell you about it might (00:34:18) be something like just (00:34:21) remember or you (00:34:24) are or simply you (00:34:28) I'd like for you to imagine that you (00:34:29) could hear them saying that and to (00:34:32) notice what that feels like to hear from (00:34:39) them then you've drawn this person up (00:34:42) from your heart and your mind your (00:34:44) memory (00:34:45) Network this person has become (00:34:47) integrated into who you are that's how (00:34:49) you can think of their voice and what (00:34:52) their eyes might look like and the shape (00:34:54) of their face and (00:34:59) this person has made some kind of impact (00:35:01) on your life and for the sake of the (00:35:03) exercise I would just invite each one of (00:35:05) you to allow yourself in the depths of (00:35:09) your heart to have a felt sense of (00:35:12) gratitude that someone like this has (00:35:14) ever seen you and cared for (00:35:16) you to imagine yourself looking back at (00:35:19) them in the exercise with warm (00:35:23) eyes and a grateful (00:35:26) heart thank you for for seeing (00:35:31) me thank you for loving (00:35:36) me thank you for believing in me (00:35:39) protecting (00:35:43) me because I don't often do that for (00:35:50) myself and then just as you've drawn (00:35:53) this person up from your heart I'd love (00:35:55) for you to just think about kind of (00:35:57) intent inally reintegrating this person (00:36:00) back into the framework of who you are (00:36:02) you could take their heart and put it (00:36:05) inside of your heart or take their face (00:36:07) and put it behind your face their eyes (00:36:10) behind your eyes their voice inside of (00:36:12) your voice such that in a moment we'll (00:36:15) open our eyes and you're going to look (00:36:16) and sound exactly like you do and yet (00:36:21) the things you see or the things that (00:36:24) you say are undeniably influenced (00:36:28) by how this person has loved (00:36:34) you and then I would just draw your (00:36:36) attention back to what it feels like to (00:36:43) breathe the coolness of air as we (00:36:46) breathe (00:36:48) in and how our body warms it slightly (00:36:51) and you can sense that on the exhale (00:37:03) alive and (00:37:06) conscious and (00:37:09) loved and (00:37:12) seen and (00:37:15) human and (00:37:18) here and (00:37:20) now in this moment (00:37:30) and I'd invite you to open your (00:37:37) eyes whoever you thought of and whatever (00:37:41) they had to say to you I would invite (00:37:42) you to jot that down on your paper no (00:37:45) one's going to see this but you (00:38:01) I love doing that exercise (00:38:04) because for a percentage of you you just (00:38:08) spend a little bit of time in your (00:38:11) mind with someone that perhaps you've (00:38:14) not seen or interacted with in a while (00:38:17) or perhaps is not even living (00:38:22) anymore I always think (00:38:25) like maybe the highest (00:38:28) calling I could ever have in my life (00:38:30) would be to be that person in at least (00:38:32) one other person's life that they would (00:38:34) think of me you know as someone who (00:38:37) genuinely cared for them like the ghost (00:38:39) of my kid's past or something that loved (00:38:42) them really (00:38:45) well I saw a lot of Tears getting wiped (00:38:48) when we opened our eyes I didn't peek at (00:38:50) you during the exercise (00:38:52) and that can be an emotional exercise (00:38:55) for some (00:38:58) and for others it can be a cure for (00:38:59) insomnia so I just never exactly know (00:39:01) how it's going to (00:39:04) go but I'd like to unpack why we did (00:39:07) that the necessary and sufficient (00:39:09) ingredients inside of what we just (00:39:11) experienced (00:39:12) together and I always ask people to (00:39:14) write down kind of the wisdom that they (00:39:16) connected with because I promise you if (00:39:20) not later today then definitely in the (00:39:23) next few (00:39:24) days it would be wise for you to return (00:39:27) to (00:39:29) it like there's something inside of it (00:39:32) about your worth your (00:39:35) dignity or what's really (00:39:38) important and an exercise like that (00:39:40) opens us up and we're able to touch (00:39:44) that kindness and wisdom Through The (00:39:47) Eyes of someone who's really loved us (00:39:49) before in a way that maybe we don't do (00:39:51) so well on our (00:39:53) own so let me talk to you a little bit (00:39:55) about what's inside that exercise (00:39:58) the first part with this marker that (00:40:00) isn't very dark I'm (00:40:04) sorry is (00:40:08) mindfulness there's been Decades of (00:40:10) research on mindfulness being connected (00:40:14) right now to something that's happening (00:40:16) so that I could be more aware of and (00:40:17) participative with it who in the world (00:40:20) wouldn't want (00:40:22) that right like whether I'm playing with (00:40:24) a my four-year-old daughter or I'm (00:40:27) eating a bow ice cream or or or I'm (00:40:30) having sex with my wife or I'm watching (00:40:32) a sunset it's like who wouldn't want to (00:40:35) be really connected here and (00:40:39) now and on the basis of 20 years of (00:40:42) working in Behavioral Health I (00:40:44) fundamentally believe that most of the (00:40:47) time depression or anxiety is just (00:40:50) disorganized detentional (00:40:52) processes people who are (00:40:54) depressed are haunted with the tension (00:40:57) that goes to the Past what's never (00:41:00) worked out for them the bad things that (00:41:02) have (00:41:03) happened people who are plagued with (00:41:06) anxiety have attentional processes that (00:41:08) always race (00:41:10) ahead I'm so worried about what's going (00:41:12) to happen tomorrow or in the life of (00:41:15) someone I care about or in the economy (00:41:17) or the country or in my career it's very (00:41:20) future focused what's really sad about (00:41:24) that is that if my attention is always (00:41:27) pulling me to the past or to the future (00:41:29) I have no earthly ability to use my (00:41:33) agency in either of those spaces the (00:41:36) only place that I can make choices is (00:41:39) here and (00:41:40) now which is why it's so powerful to (00:41:42) practice mindfulness at least initially (00:41:45) focusing on sensory information because (00:41:47) my heart only beats now I only breathe (00:41:50) now and it's why all of our wisdom (00:41:53) Traditions every religion has a major (00:41:56) emphasis on here and now stuff (00:41:58) associated with love because love can (00:42:01) only ever happen right now I could tell (00:42:03) my wife like janin I will love you in (00:42:08) 2045 maybe you know but it's like I only (00:42:12) get to do that though in an (00:42:13) action-oriented way (00:42:17) now ancient ancient peoples understood (00:42:20) this this is why like in many wisdom (00:42:22) Traditions there's these ideas about (00:42:24) faith hope and (00:42:26) love and love always being (00:42:29) Supreme faith is bolstered by what's (00:42:31) happened in the past hope always (00:42:33) anticipates something that's not yet (00:42:35) here but love and raptures the immediacy (00:42:37) of the moment mindfulness in terms of (00:42:40) almost anything that you can measure (00:42:42) dramatically improves things for human (00:42:45) beings so mindfulness-based (00:42:47) stress uh is perhaps the best (00:42:50) empirically supported treatment uh (00:42:53) mindfulness based stress reduction for (00:42:55) reducing stress (00:42:57) mindfulness-based (00:42:59) eating is associated with major positive (00:43:03) outcomes in terms of weight (00:43:05) loss if you don't know much about (00:43:07) mindfulness you can learn a lot pretty (00:43:10) quickly and just a few minutes each day (00:43:13) like what we just did is a dose (00:43:15) sufficient to bring about significant (00:43:19) emotional and behavioral changes for (00:43:21) people one of the things that I do as a (00:43:23) psychologist from a mindfulness based (00:43:25) standpoint I see a lot of people who are (00:43:27) addicted to to screens to porn to food (00:43:30) or to a (00:43:31) substance an easy mindfulness (00:43:34) intervention if someone's willing to do (00:43:35) it is to is to put a piece of paper in (00:43:38) their home somewhere and every time they (00:43:40) want to engage in the behavior to just (00:43:41) jot down the time and what they're going (00:43:43) to do when people do that there's over a (00:43:47) 50% reduction whatever the behavior is (00:43:49) like it's an intervention and and of (00:43:51) itself if they do it in real time like (00:43:54) if you want somebody to quit smoking and (00:43:56) they smoke a pack a day that's 20 (00:43:59) statistically it's really likely they'll (00:44:00) come in the next week having only spoked (00:44:02) on average 10 per day because all of a (00:44:04) sudden they start realizing like oh if I (00:44:06) have to write this down do I really need (00:44:08) this I don't know if if it's in the (00:44:11) pantry and every time they go in there (00:44:13) they have to write down like 16 almonds (00:44:16) it's like as a psychologist like I don't (00:44:18) care keep going to Pornhub for six hours (00:44:19) a day do it I'm not asking you to do it (00:44:21) less I just want you to write it down in (00:44:23) real time and all of a sudden when (00:44:25) people become more mindfully aware of (00:44:27) what they're doing they find their (00:44:29) agency and it's like these cigarettes (00:44:32) aren't using me anymore I get to choose (00:44:34) when I use them mindfulness is a (00:44:37) powerful thing so that's the first (00:44:38) component of it the second component of (00:44:41) it let me check my notes so I don't mess (00:44:43) this up I have a love letter in here for (00:44:46) my (00:44:47) daughter from my (00:44:49) trip um (00:44:52) ah (00:44:54) acceptance okay (00:45:01) remember the Grand Canyon (00:45:05) story acceptance for that young man (00:45:08) would have been oh I'm scared this is (00:45:11) bad my horse is gone I had too much of (00:45:14) the wacky Cati and I need to do (00:45:18) something (00:45:19) next like I can be with this situation (00:45:22) exactly as it is without needing to (00:45:25) hide you know as a psychologist it's (00:45:28) really interesting I'll see about 8 to (00:45:31) 10 people each day in my (00:45:33) office and which is why by the way I (00:45:36) just feel like I win the lottery every (00:45:37) time I get a chance to do something like (00:45:39) this because it would take me like a (00:45:40) week to see all of you individually (00:45:42) right we have a wildly inefficient (00:45:44) Service delivery model it's horrible (00:45:46) like go to school forever and then just (00:45:48) meet with people like 50 minutes at a (00:45:49) time and like make this much of a (00:45:52) difference it's like holy cow it's like (00:45:54) so cool to just blast this stuff for (00:45:56) people and hope that maybe it's helpful (00:45:58) or useful to them um at 8:00 somebody (00:46:02) will come in and they're there to tell (00:46:05) me that because they can't have children (00:46:09) their life is meaningless they had come (00:46:11) in there to talk to me about their (00:46:12) childless troubles at 9:00 somebody will (00:46:15) come in and talk to me about their (00:46:16) troubled (00:46:17) child at 10:00 somebody will come in and (00:46:20) they've lost all hope they're suicidal (00:46:21) and they're planning on killing (00:46:23) themselves and at 11:00 someone will (00:46:25) come in and they've been diagnosed with (00:46:26) a terminal but they don't have (00:46:28) grandchildren yet and the thought of (00:46:29) death is inescapably painful they just (00:46:31) want more time at 1:00 someone will come (00:46:34) in and they'll say I've Never Been Loved (00:46:36) I've never been partnered in an intimate (00:46:37) partner relationship and because of that (00:46:39) I can't be happy and at 2:00 somebody (00:46:42) will come in and they'll say because I (00:46:44) married this buffoon I'll never be happy (00:46:46) again I should have never gotten married (00:46:48) like all day long people are coming in (00:46:51) telling me the exact same problem but (00:46:54) it's all the same sweet sad human story (00:46:57) it's like there's an aspect of my life (00:46:59) and unless it goes away I can't have a (00:47:02) meaningful life or I can't move forward (00:47:04) or I can't have (00:47:06) joy we do this with psychological pain I (00:47:09) see this all the time and it's true for (00:47:10) physical pain as well people will be (00:47:13) like I have an injury or I have a (00:47:16) depression by the way our diagnostic (00:47:18) system is garbage it's trash if you've (00:47:20) ever been given one of those (00:47:23) labels forget about it nothing's (00:47:26) homogeneous in our diagnos NOC system (00:47:28) there's hundreds of thousands of (00:47:29) different combinations that all get the (00:47:31) same label like what in the world is (00:47:33) that there's 600,000 I think different (00:47:35) combinations of symptoms that all could (00:47:37) be used to give somebody a PTSD (00:47:39) diagnosis like could you imagine if (00:47:40) there's 600,000 people in a line and (00:47:43) they all had different symptoms but we (00:47:44) just gave them all the same label what (00:47:46) in the world we have such a stupid (00:47:48) diagnostic system that your dog or your (00:47:51) mom or somebody could die and you're sad (00:47:52) for two weeks and we'll give you a (00:47:54) depression diagnosis and here's a bunch (00:47:56) of anti-depressant medic ations and now (00:47:58) you're mentally (00:48:00) ill like stress and grief and sadness (00:48:03) and anxiety that's the cost of admission (00:48:05) to living a meaningful life in this (00:48:07) world these aren't things to be rid (00:48:11) of like like if I have (00:48:13) symptoms like sadness or grief or (00:48:16) anxiety and I just want rid of them or I (00:48:18) say I just can't have these you know (00:48:20) what I cut myself off from like freaking (00:48:23) everything else in my life khil Jabron (00:48:27) beautiful poet from Lebanon wrote a book (00:48:30) that should be on everybody's shelf (00:48:32) called The (00:48:33) Prophet he's got these beautiful poems (00:48:35) in there one of them is called on Joy (00:48:37) and (00:48:37) sorrow and he talks about how joy and (00:48:40) sorrow are inextricably (00:48:42) linked he says like the same well from (00:48:45) which you once filled with tears you now (00:48:48) bring up buckets of (00:48:51) laughter where the same flute that now (00:48:53) plays such a Joyful Joyful melody was (00:48:56) once hollowed out with sorrowful (00:48:59) knives your joy is your sorrow (00:49:02) unmasked like like the deeper you feel (00:49:05) about something all that is is an (00:49:06) indication of what you care about I (00:49:09) really believe that it's not just Adam's (00:49:11) anecdotes acceptance and commitment (00:49:13) therapy talks about this Susan David at (00:49:15) Harvard talks about this like like your (00:49:17) biggest emotions are signpost to (00:49:19) significance in your heart they're not (00:49:21) things to be rid of they're things to be (00:49:23) be able to sit with a little bit did you (00:49:26) notice in the exercise that we did I (00:49:29) asked you to bring to mind something (00:49:30) that was painful and then you kept it (00:49:33) with you the whole (00:49:34) time like you didn't give it to the (00:49:37) person they like you know like punted it (00:49:39) into the you know the cosmos or (00:49:41) something like that it sat with you the (00:49:43) whole time you didn't have to drown in (00:49:45) it you could put it inside of a (00:49:47) container but we carry it with (00:49:50) us and if we're willing to have it you (00:49:53) know what else we might also have like (00:49:55) somebody who could come and and hear our (00:49:57) story or see us in that someone who (00:49:59) could relate to us in our (00:50:03) Brokenness acceptance versus (00:50:06) avoidance is perhaps the fundamental (00:50:09) aspect of psychological (00:50:12) flexibility like like and and through (00:50:14) the lens of your own lived experience it (00:50:16) would be like you saying I can be with (00:50:18) my life right now exactly as it is and I (00:50:21) don't need anything to change and I (00:50:25) still get to dot dot dot (00:50:28) I still get to live I still get to (00:50:30) breathe I still get to be seen I still (00:50:34) get to (00:50:35) love like I still get to find things but (00:50:40) when I try to radically amputate things (00:50:41) away from my life or distract the or (00:50:43) numb myself from it it walks me in this (00:50:47) eliminative subtractive mode of being (00:50:50) and it cuts me off from a lot of really (00:50:52) good things that's the cost of avoidance (00:50:55) so acceptance is like I can sit here (00:50:58) with this thing I'm not calling it (00:51:00) good and it may never really serve any (00:51:03) good purpose in my life it may have no (00:51:06) Redemptive quality in my life whatsoever (00:51:09) but it's here with me and I don't need (00:51:11) to run from it I don't need to tie (00:51:12) myself to anything that makes me feel (00:51:14) safe as a result of it I can hold it (00:51:18) there's this metaphor in acceptance (00:51:19) commitment therapy that your deepest (00:51:21) pain you could hold almost like a dried (00:51:23) flower I remember the first time I heard (00:51:25) that I thought that was weird because I (00:51:26) haven't had much experience with dried (00:51:27) flowers but apparently they're very (00:51:30) brittle they're like delicate and one of (00:51:33) the things that act therapists encourage (00:51:35) people to do is like if you're willing (00:51:36) to hold your pain and examine it like a (00:51:39) dried flower you can also examine its (00:51:43) history like you can be with it and you (00:51:47) don't need to like try to hide from it (00:51:49) or say because of this I can't I (00:51:52) can't so there's an undeniable aspect of (00:51:55) of Acceptance in this but also and (00:51:59) finally this is an exercise about (00:52:07) self-compassion now I'm not talking (00:52:08) about like some grandiose narcissistic (00:52:11) American idea of like self-esteem that's (00:52:14) that's a terrible idea I don't think (00:52:16) anybody on the planet needs more (00:52:17) self-esteem right if you've ever worked (00:52:20) with or loved somebody that had a really (00:52:22) high (00:52:23) self-esteem or like a narcissist it (00:52:25) doesn't go well for you you know (00:52:28) self-compassion is something very (00:52:31) different (00:52:33) self-compassion is finding the same (00:52:35) kindness and wisdom I'd have for (00:52:36) somebody that I really cared about but (00:52:39) for (00:52:41) me like at 230 pounds last (00:52:45) February when I was going to like watch (00:52:48) my wife give birth to our second child (00:52:50) in (00:52:51) April I had this shift happen in my head (00:52:54) where it's like what if I were to start (00:52:57) eating like I actually gave a damn about (00:53:00) what happened in my life in 20 or 30 (00:53:05) years like I think of self-compassion is (00:53:08) not about feelings and thoughts because (00:53:10) like very few of you probably wake up (00:53:12) and look in the mirror and think I'm a (00:53:14) terrific human being I just have a lot (00:53:17) to offer the world I'm a contributor I (00:53:20) am I work hard you know it's like we (00:53:23) probably don't do that a lot right and (00:53:26) yet isn't that wasn't that a be for (00:53:28) those of you that found that exercise (00:53:30) meaningful isn't it a heck of a thing to (00:53:32) see ourselves Through The Eyes of (00:53:34) someone that loves (00:53:35) us and you know what that person didn't (00:53:38) say to you you're the most important (00:53:41) person in the whole wide (00:53:44) world they didn't say to you no one else (00:53:47) in World matters except for you right (00:53:51) they probably said things like like like (00:53:53) if I had a day with you guys sometimes (00:53:55) I'll do like a day conference with (00:53:56) people we'll do we're doing one aspect (00:53:59) of six from acceptance and commitment (00:54:00) therapy today I'll give somebody like a (00:54:02) whole therapy experience in a day which (00:54:05) is about all that any of you should ever (00:54:07) pursue anyway I'll get on that soap box (00:54:10) for a second if you go to a therapist (00:54:12) longer than three times and it's not (00:54:13) helping you it's not going to and The (00:54:16) Sweet Spot for therapy is like six hours (00:54:18) that's it like gone are the days of (00:54:21) Sigman Freud when you and Sigman would (00:54:23) lay on a couch do a little cocaine and (00:54:25) talk about your mother for like years (00:54:27) that doesn't help just a small dose just (00:54:30) a small dose of therapy if it's going to (00:54:32) help you it helps by that sweet (00:54:35) spot I just got totally sidetracked (00:54:37) sorry about that um one of the things (00:54:41) that I would say though about self- (00:54:43) compassion right is when I when I when (00:54:46) somebody sees me and cares for me and (00:54:48) loves me they remind me of things that (00:54:50) are in my heart for everybody else if (00:54:53) somebody I really cared for called me (00:54:55) later tonight and they're going through (00:54:57) something really difficult I could very (00:54:59) easily come up with this kind of thing (00:55:01) for them not narcissistic grandiose (00:55:03) but actually kindness and (00:55:07) wisdom but I have a hard time connecting (00:55:09) with it for (00:55:11) myself now we don't wake up and we don't (00:55:13) talk to ourselves like this but what if (00:55:16) in our being and (00:55:18) doing like in how we connected to others (00:55:22) the things we put in our bodies or the (00:55:24) things that we didn't anymore (00:55:27) the places that we went the new (00:55:28) challenges we took on like for some of (00:55:31) you being a member here is a tangible (00:55:35) demonstration of self-compassion in your (00:55:37) life and I hope it's connected to (00:55:39) self-compassion and wisdom and kindness (00:55:42) and not connected to something like (00:55:44) shame or (00:55:47) self-contempt or else it's not going to (00:55:49) go very (00:55:50) well because you'll never get big enough (00:55:55) muscles or small enough weight (00:55:58) or impressive enough V2 (00:56:01) Maxes to ever beat out that shame thing (00:56:05) like like do it because you're a human (00:56:07) being do it because when you were this (00:56:09) little somebody held you and looked into (00:56:11) your sweet little eyes and said (00:56:14) hey welcome to the world when you took (00:56:17) your first breath and you're still (00:56:20) breathing and you still have that (00:56:22) dignity and worth as a as a human being (00:56:24) like do it because you care about your (00:56:26) future (00:56:27) do it (00:56:28) because you respect yourself enough to (00:56:31) take care of yourself right walk out (00:56:33) self-compassion in a behavioral way so (00:56:36) that if somebody were to follow you (00:56:38) around with a camera they'd (00:56:40) say she really cares about herself yeah (00:56:44) that lady in the purple sweatshirt she (00:56:47) she's like careful about what she eats (00:56:49) and she laughs a lot with people that (00:56:51) she cares for and go she moves her body (00:56:55) in ways which would suggest that said (00:56:57) like she's building a health (00:57:00) span and she challenges herself with new (00:57:04) things like what would somebody say if (00:57:07) they followed you around all day long (00:57:09) for a couple of (00:57:11) days and how you spent your (00:57:14) time and to what extent would avoidance (00:57:18) versus acceptance be present (00:57:20) there like for example the average US (00:57:23) adult spends 4 hours a day on nonwork (00:57:26) related did screen (00:57:30) scrolling like I just started thinking (00:57:32) about that like what would I be able to (00:57:33) accomplish in my life if I just took (00:57:35) back half of that time like 14 hours a (00:57:37) week well I'll tell you what I've done (00:57:39) in the last year I learned how to play (00:57:40) piano like that's easy 14 hours a week (00:57:43) is a long time do a lot of jumping on (00:57:46) the trampoline with my four-year-old (00:57:49) right like what might you do to walk out (00:57:52) self-compassion in your own life if you (00:57:56) really cared about what happened next (00:57:59) Kristen nef Neff is sort of the best (00:58:02) researcher in that space for (00:58:06) self-compassion and to draw it to a (00:58:08) conclusion her three prongs of (00:58:11) self-compassion are (00:58:14) mindfulness Universal (00:58:17) nature of human (00:58:19) suffering and (00:58:21) kindness or wisdom (00:58:27) many people come to therapy (00:58:29) because they're very hard on themselves (00:58:32) they've carried around this I'm not good (00:58:34) enough story in their head and their (00:58:35) heart for most of their life you know (00:58:37) what's really sad but also kind of sweet (00:58:39) about being a therapist is sometimes (00:58:42) I'll get to Bear witness to kind of the (00:58:44) origin of that story like like how tall (00:58:47) they were how how old they were when (00:58:49) when somebody really harmed them it's (00:58:52) like for a lot of you the shame and the (00:58:55) I'm not good enough story that didn't (00:58:56) even originate in your own (00:58:58) head like somebody mistreated you or (00:59:01) betrayed you or hurt you or as a (00:59:04) prepubescent or a pubescent person like (00:59:06) somebody really really hurt (00:59:08) you and you walked around the rest of (00:59:10) your life thinking I'm not good enough (00:59:14) if people in here only (00:59:16) knew I just wouldn't even be accepted (00:59:20) such an (00:59:21) idiot right like we've all got that kind (00:59:24) of selft talk in our heads (00:59:26) but today we did something different (00:59:28) right like today we connected with (00:59:30) something else that someone might have (00:59:32) said to us or did say to us like that's (00:59:35) in there (00:59:37) too that I am enough or that I am loved (00:59:40) or that I am doing it or that I can keep (00:59:43) going or whatever that wisdom is there's (00:59:47) a song that I'm really fond of it was (00:59:49) written from a father to his sons when (00:59:51) his sons were really little this a song (00:59:54) from a long time ago back in 199 your (00:59:56) business probably but uh you know he's (01:00:00) singing to his young (01:00:03) boys and he says to his (01:00:05) sons there will be liars and there'll be (01:00:08) Thieves who take from (01:00:10) you and not to undermine the (01:00:13) consequence but you are not what you (01:00:16) do and when you need it most I've (01:00:20) written down a hundred reasons why I (01:00:22) love each one of (01:00:25) you I I remember the first time I heard (01:00:27) that I wept I wasn't even a father and I (01:00:29) just thought that is the closest thing (01:00:32) I've ever heard to like unconditional I (01:00:33) mean that is so (01:00:35) beautiful that a dad would have the (01:00:37) foresight that I'm going to write down a (01:00:39) hundred reasons why I love my sons and (01:00:41) when they're 21 or they're 31 or the (01:00:44) world drops them to their knees with a (01:00:46) canyon-like experience when they most (01:00:49) need it and they're tempted to think (01:00:51) that their life is not worth it I'm (01:00:53) going to read that list of of things to (01:00:55) them (01:00:57) like have you ever been loved like (01:01:00) that are you walking in the direction of (01:01:02) loving someone like that (01:01:05) right to be that in your being and doing (01:01:09) I see (01:01:11) you in South Africa a country that has (01:01:14) been ravaged by apartheid and racial (01:01:16) injustices you know what the greeting on (01:01:18) the day is there on the street like how (01:01:21) they would say hello to a stranger they (01:01:23) say Saab Bona which means I see see you (01:01:28) and in seeing you I bring you into (01:01:31) being that sure beats good (01:01:34) morning right like I see you I see you (01:01:39) and I bring you into (01:01:42) being like we could get busy loving (01:01:45) other people and building belonging into (01:01:47) our lives that way without tying oursel (01:01:50) to a tree and hoping that something (01:01:51) comes along we could live our lives (01:01:55) self-compassionate okay (01:01:57) I talked a lot most of you are still (01:01:59) conscious and awake which I always think (01:02:01) is just a tremendous win for me having (01:02:03) taught college students a lot um some of (01:02:07) that material is a little heavy uh and (01:02:10) so I just am so deeply appreciative for (01:02:12) you coming tonight and I'm on like (01:02:15) platforms like Instagram and Linkedin at (01:02:18) Dr Adam Dell so please find me there and (01:02:21) if I mentioned a book or a resource or (01:02:23) you're like yeah you talked about some (01:02:25) things but what I'm really curious about (01:02:26) is blah blah blah blah blah I always (01:02:28) respond to people in those platforms (01:02:30) like you would not be a bother to me at (01:02:32) all and I put a ton of this content into (01:02:36) the interwebs uh that we talked about (01:02:40) tonight um because again I just think (01:02:42) our service delivery model is crap and I (01:02:44) think that this stuff is helpful for (01:02:45) most people and I just am so passionate (01:02:48) to share it so I know that taco truck (01:02:50) will be there for 33 more minutes um so (01:02:54) I mean listen everybody's got priorities (01:02:56) get out there and get some I'm going to (01:02:58) hang out here for a while and if you'd (01:03:00) like to come up and and meet or talk I'm (01:03:02) so happy to do that but thanks thanks so (01:03:04) much for coming tonight