Parent Psychologist REVEALS Top 3 Parenting MISTAKES (DO THIS to RAISE Healthy KIDS!) Dr Becky (YouTube Video Transcript)

(00:00:00) Your YouTube transcript will appear here (00:00:00) I think when we have kids we have this (00:00:02) unconscious wish that they're going to (00:00:04) heal us and in reality our kids trigger (00:00:07) us she's a clinical psychologist she's a (00:00:09) mom of three she's been called the (00:00:11) millennial parenting Whisperer please (00:00:13) welcome Dr Becky Kennedy I'm going to (00:00:15) take this very like first principles (00:00:17) approach to Parenting like right we (00:00:19) strip back every assumption anything (00:00:20) that could be assumption you're like no (00:00:22) no and what are you left with and I was (00:00:23) left with one thing one kids are good (00:00:25) inside and there is a difference between (00:00:27) good inside identity and bad behavior a (00:00:30) parents words become a child's selft (00:00:33) talk if there's one line that would be (00:00:36) probably the most healing in people's (00:00:38) childhood it's that you've been called (00:00:40) the millennial parenting Whisperer is (00:00:42) that right I think Time Magazine wrote (00:00:44) that one how do we learn to make sure we (00:00:47) raise good human beings without messing (00:00:50) them up when we haven't been taught how (00:00:52) to be good parents um (00:00:56) so welcome back everyone to the school (00:00:59) of greatness very excited about Our (00:01:00) Guest we have the inspiring Dr Becky in (00:01:03) the house good to see you welcome thanks (00:01:05) for having me very excited I don't have (00:01:08) kids but I feel like I had a struggling (00:01:12) childhood and I love my parents but I (00:01:15) also know that they could have done some (00:01:16) things differently and I think there's (00:01:18) probably a lot of us in the world who (00:01:19) are thinking I love and appreciate a lot (00:01:22) about my (00:01:23) parents but they might have also done (00:01:25) some messed up things and if we can (00:01:28) start to do our own healing journey and (00:01:29) start to reflect (00:01:31) that okay maybe they just didn't have (00:01:32) the tools they didn't know any better (00:01:34) hopefully they had the best intentions (00:01:36) and we can try to have some compassion (00:01:38) for our parents as adults then there's (00:01:42) some more integration and healing that I (00:01:44) think allows us for us as we grow up (00:01:47) right however how do we learn to make (00:01:52) sure we raise good human beings without (00:01:56) messing them up when we haven't been (00:01:58) taught how to be good (00:02:01) parents and to add to that (00:02:04) question is it (00:02:06) possible (00:02:08) to raise a child that is not traumatized (00:02:11) in some way no matter how good we try to (00:02:14) raise (00:02:15) them I am going to try to answer all (00:02:17) that you'll let me know which parts of (00:02:18) the question I I lose as we go um so (00:02:23) what you started with just resonates (00:02:24) with me so strongly and I think it (00:02:26) really is the reason I like get out of (00:02:27) bed every morning right parenting is the (00:02:30) most important job in the world and it (00:02:33) is the hardest job and it's probably the (00:02:35) job we'll have for the longest number of (00:02:38) years because everyone knows it's more (00:02:39) than 18 years right so and and someone (00:02:42) said to me I'll never forget um it's the (00:02:45) only job you care about on your deathbed (00:02:47) which I was like okay that's heavy but I (00:02:48) think that's I mean I wouldn't know yet (00:02:50) hopefully but I think that's true and (00:02:52) it's also like the only job that falls (00:02:55) under like very difficult very impactful (00:02:58) very ongoing that we literally get no (00:03:01) training for right and like if my friend (00:03:04) was a surgeon and called me and said I'm (00:03:07) not doing surgery right and I'm messing (00:03:08) everything up and kind of messed up this (00:03:11) person forever and I'm so bad and then I (00:03:13) started poking around and it turned out (00:03:15) she never went to med school or never (00:03:17) went to (00:03:18) residency I'm pretty sure I would say to (00:03:20) her hey like this is not that you're a (00:03:23) bad surgeon like that's not what this is (00:03:25) you weren't adequately prepared and it's (00:03:28) probably time to invest in resour ources (00:03:31) and I just want to say too cuz I think (00:03:32) it's important that if she said don't (00:03:33) worry I got my I got I got all my tips (00:03:35) on on on Instagram I'd say okay I mean (00:03:38) like I you might might want to do a (00:03:40) little more in depth than that you know (00:03:42) I think you deserve a little better you (00:03:44) know than that and yet this is what (00:03:46) parents are set up for when I've asked (00:03:50) parents the number one reason why they (00:03:52) don't get the support they even think (00:03:55) they need the number one reason I get (00:03:59) the number one reason I here is I should (00:04:02) be able to do this on my own it's like a (00:04:04) shame underneath yeah and there's and (00:04:06) there's a shame and I think there's a (00:04:08) really strong societal message as a (00:04:10) woman I can say the maternal instinct is (00:04:11) like a real thing that people think we (00:04:13) should have which really is a way of (00:04:15) saying parenting has kind of (00:04:16) traditionally been a woman's job I think (00:04:18) they're shifting around that it's great (00:04:21) um and it should just be something women (00:04:24) have an instinct to do which is a really (00:04:26) great setup for any parent when they're (00:04:29) struggling to say I guess it's me and I (00:04:31) think when we're strugg I mean I think (00:04:32) when we're struggling with anything we (00:04:34) have two paths and this is where I think (00:04:36) we'll be talking about parenting but you (00:04:37) don't have kids I'm sure some of your (00:04:38) listeners don't have kids this is in (00:04:40) some ways about kids in some ways 0% (00:04:42) about kids and parenting like when we're (00:04:44) struggling we can either say what is (00:04:46) wrong with me and it's my fault or when (00:04:48) we're struggling we could say what (00:04:50) resources and support do I need and (00:04:52) there're two completely different paths (00:04:55) one is activating and has hope and has a (00:04:58) likelihood of change and one is actually (00:05:00) spiraling into an abyss and a freeze (00:05:03) state right of Shame which makes it (00:05:05) impossible to change yeah and I think (00:05:07) parents have typically said to (00:05:09) themselves what's wrong with me wow this (00:05:11) should be easier you kind of also see on (00:05:13) Instagram it looks like everyone else (00:05:14) got their kid to smile for a holiday (00:05:16) card and you're like that's not what (00:05:17) happened to my kids you know um and you (00:05:20) feel like it's your fault and then you (00:05:22) don't talk about it and then you fake (00:05:23) good and then the next person's like (00:05:25) well that person seems to be having a (00:05:26) hard time and then then honestly we feel (00:05:28) small you know we don't get those (00:05:30) resources we don't feel empowered and (00:05:33) kind of happens generation after (00:05:34) generation until until this is not (00:05:36) supposed to be depressing this is so (00:05:37) hopeful you know what we see at good (00:05:39) inside and we we hear all the time from (00:05:41) our members is I came here for my kid (00:05:45) like that is not why I'm here now like I (00:05:47) now ask for a raise I now can stand up (00:05:51) to my partner when they're mad at me I (00:05:53) now know that it's okay for me to go (00:05:54) away for a weekend with my college (00:05:56) friends even when my partner and my kids (00:05:58) are upset like have their feelings like (00:06:01) I can have empathy and I can still do (00:06:05) the things I need to do for myself and (00:06:07) in that way I feel like what we're (00:06:08) talking about is a lot of stuff you talk (00:06:10) about is actually just I call it sturdy (00:06:12) leadership and what's interesting to me (00:06:14) is I feel like we' have a lot of models (00:06:16) for sturdy leadership in the workplace (00:06:18) like there's a lot of thoughts now like (00:06:19) you can't really just yell at people and (00:06:21) expect them to get better at work and I (00:06:23) even think that's like been modernized (00:06:25) on the sports field like the best (00:06:26) coaches like kind of know you got to (00:06:28) connect before you correct and what's (00:06:30) kind of amazing and sad and yet we're (00:06:32) there I think hopefully now is like (00:06:34) parenting young kids is kind of the last (00:06:36) place to modernize where sturdy (00:06:39) leadership kind of gets applied and what (00:06:41) it really looks like and how it benefits (00:06:43) everyone but that's really what good (00:06:44) inside is you know it's interesting (00:06:46) because I don't think I've ever heard (00:06:48) that connect Bo you before you correct (00:06:50) and I I just had a flashback to all the (00:06:54) coaches that used to scream at me when I (00:06:56) would drop a football or miss a (00:06:57) basketball shot or or just mess (00:06:58) something up or I was wasn't paying (00:07:00) attention or whatever happened and just (00:07:01) screaming at me belittling me you know (00:07:04) making me feel less than in front of my (00:07:06) peers my (00:07:07) teammates and shaming me to try to get (00:07:11) better and I remember just feeling like (00:07:13) resentful and angry all the time right (00:07:16) and Afraid now I would still work hard (00:07:18) but I didn't come from an emotionally (00:07:20) good place so I didn't want that to (00:07:22) happen again out of fear of Shame as (00:07:25) opposed (00:07:26) to someone actually sitting down and (00:07:29) connecting with me I did have great (00:07:30) coaches also who took the time to (00:07:33) connect with me and ask me questions and (00:07:35) why are you so angry why are you (00:07:36) reacting like this what's going on why (00:07:38) are you so frustrated why did you fou (00:07:40) that person that way like you know what (00:07:42) is going on I use Sports analogies all (00:07:44) the time and connect before you correct (00:07:46) I there's a lot of phrases I'll take (00:07:48) credit for that one's not mine I (00:07:49) actually can I don't know who said it (00:07:50) first but it it's beautiful and it gives (00:07:52) you an order of operations right where I (00:07:54) think about this all the time like my (00:07:55) kid is hitting their brother or my kid (00:07:57) lied to my face about something that you (00:07:59) know know is important like I don't know (00:08:01) whether they studied for a test whatever (00:08:02) the behavior is right and I find out and (00:08:06) I see them hitting and I just kind of (00:08:07) send them to their room or I like take (00:08:09) away their iPad or something which I (00:08:11) always say is like the worst thing (00:08:12) because when you're a parent you really (00:08:14) like now I have to deal with taking away (00:08:16) their iPad I don't even want to do that (00:08:17) I like when they have iPad time nobody (00:08:19) wins like why did I do that you know um (00:08:21) but I think about a basketball coach and (00:08:23) I think about a kid who is missing (00:08:25) layups all the time and I think about (00:08:27) watching my kid's basketball coach if (00:08:29) that's my kid yeah the coach is like you (00:08:31) go to your room and you come back here (00:08:34) when you can make a layup and I feel (00:08:37) like all the parents would be like why (00:08:39) like why would that even what's the (00:08:40) theory of why that would be effective (00:08:42) forget like what is my you think my kid (00:08:44) is now going to their room and Googling (00:08:47) how to make a better shot like yes you (00:08:50) might have to pull the kid out of the (00:08:51) game but you probably want to say hey (00:08:53) like this is not your game right now I (00:08:55) believe in you and like we're going to (00:08:57) get in the gym tomorrow and get to the (00:08:58) bottom of this and figure this out and (00:09:00) if that was my kids's coach I just don't (00:09:02) know if the parents would say that coach (00:09:04) is really condoning bad behavior they're (00:09:06) really encouraging that coach is making (00:09:08) it seem like it's okay to miss L like it (00:09:11) doesn't make any sense but we actually (00:09:13) have a system of doing that to our kids (00:09:16) over and over and then we wonder (00:09:20) why so many teens and adults feel so (00:09:23) awful about themselves well when you (00:09:26) reflect back to a kid that they're a bad (00:09:28) kid during the stage they're forming (00:09:31) their identity that will stick with them (00:09:34) for a while and it's hard for them to (00:09:36) kind of unwire that I guess right and (00:09:39) believe that they're actually good and (00:09:41) totally possible like to me if like (00:09:43) there's one thing I ever want someone to (00:09:44) take from anything I say is it's never (00:09:46) too late it is never too late repair is (00:09:48) amazing it is never too late the parent (00:09:49) who's listening now is like oh no I (00:09:51) guess I messed up my kid forever you did (00:09:52) not by the way I sometimes say bad (00:09:55) things to my kids too we're human but to (00:09:58) me it's the starting point of right like (00:10:00) my kid is good inside that's why like (00:10:02) everything we do is called that and to (00:10:04) me that idea isn't just like a phrase (00:10:06) that sounds like to me it's actually a (00:10:08) core principle that is very different (00:10:10) from a punishment or fear-based approach (00:10:12) which is if I believe my kid is good (00:10:14) inside and I was find visuals helpful so (00:10:16) I look at one hand I'm like this is my (00:10:18) kid this is who they are that's their (00:10:19) identity and they are good inside and (00:10:22) then I look at my other hand very far (00:10:23) away and say like this is their behavior (00:10:27) this is what they did and I would agree (00:10:29) with a l lot of parents telling me like (00:10:30) oh they lied to your face I would agree (00:10:32) like not great Behavior they hit their (00:10:34) sister definitely not great Behavior but (00:10:37) those things are different and it's (00:10:38) really important with your hands to keep (00:10:39) them separate because you could then (00:10:40) look at one hand and say I have a good (00:10:43) kid who who hit their sister and the (00:10:46) only reason we want to punish and come (00:10:48) down so harshly on our kids is because (00:10:49) those hands collapse is because I see (00:10:52) the bad behavior and I don't even (00:10:54) realize it's so fast in my brain but (00:10:56) immediately I assume I have a bad kid (00:10:58) that that is my kid that is my kid it's (00:11:01) collapsed and to me I mean good side is (00:11:03) more things but everything else flows (00:11:05) from the foundation of like actually (00:11:07) separating behavior from Identity which (00:11:09) I think you get this but not everyone (00:11:10) does so it's important to name that (00:11:12) doesn't mean condoning the behavior like (00:11:16) trying to understand Behavior we think (00:11:19) means approving of behavior but trying (00:11:22) to understand why my kid is missing a (00:11:25) layup I don't think anyone thinks means (00:11:28) that I think it's cool (00:11:30) that my kid can't make a layup they're (00:11:32) they're different but that separation is (00:11:34) the foundation for everything what would (00:11:36) you say are the three biggest mistakes (00:11:38) of modern parenting (00:11:40) today is it okay I don't for some reason (00:11:43) the reason mistakes that when I think (00:11:44) about feels very like shame inducing so (00:11:46) it feels like final so like what are the (00:11:48) three things that I want to like myths (00:11:49) or things I'd shift yeah what are the (00:11:51) three things that you think parents (00:11:52) could do differently today to have a (00:11:55) better connection with their children I (00:11:58) think that would be number one (00:11:59) number one is that trying to understand (00:12:02) your kids bad behavior is the foundation (00:12:06) for effectively changing their behavior (00:12:08) so understanding it first you can only (00:12:11) change what you understand what if you (00:12:13) don't understand it that's a great thing (00:12:15) to acknowledge I don't understand why (00:12:16) you're doing this that's exactly stop (00:12:18) doing it right and if a parent said to (00:12:19) me I'd been like really I'd be like (00:12:21) Louis that is so beautiful we know (00:12:22) exactly where to start and this goes (00:12:24) back to not having the skills like why (00:12:27) would you understand a kid's Behavior (00:12:28) it's very comp licated and so it would (00:12:31) be like a surgeon saying I don't (00:12:33) understand how to do the surgery like (00:12:34) and i' be like yeah of course well you (00:12:35) don't go to medical school like let's (00:12:37) get you into medical school like there (00:12:38) are places where you can do that like (00:12:41) really so we have to understand before (00:12:43) we intervene okay right I think that's (00:12:45) like a princip might have to learn (00:12:47) research ask questions get you know (00:12:49) feedback from other people whatever (00:12:50) might be right 100% there might be (00:12:52) experts there might be the right (00:12:53) Community there's courses we can take (00:12:55) there's so many resources right now (00:12:57) there's the book we do a million (00:12:58) workshops right (00:13:00) the reason I do workshops is because I (00:13:02) was like I I have this private practice (00:13:04) where I see a very limited group of (00:13:05) people and I was like honestly at the (00:13:07) end of the day I kind of have some (00:13:09) version of the same like 10 to 15 (00:13:11) sessions all day long they're always (00:13:12) about the same topics right slightly (00:13:14) different story but same core things and (00:13:16) I was like I would like to democratize (00:13:17) access to that so that's what my (00:13:18) workshops are they're just things that (00:13:21) would come up in private practice but to (00:13:22) more people so there's so many resources (00:13:24) that's number one okay number two is (00:13:27) that our job is not to make our get (00:13:29) happy that is so important and so (00:13:32) countercultural why is our job not to (00:13:35) make our kids (00:13:36) happy because when we focus on making (00:13:39) our kids (00:13:40) happy we actually start to make them (00:13:43) fearful and less tolerant of all of the (00:13:48) other emotions that will inevitably be (00:13:50) part of their life into (00:13:52) adulthood and so when our kid says I'm G (00:13:57) make this up like um (00:13:59) I'm the only one in my class who can't (00:14:02) read it's like the most painful moment (00:14:04) as a parent oh I feel my kids pain right (00:14:07) and maybe it let's just say it's true (00:14:09) they really might be we have the urge to (00:14:12) say everyone reads at their own pace or (00:14:14) but you're amazing at soccer but you're (00:14:17) so good at math I want to make them (00:14:20) happy all that does for my kid as (00:14:23) because during (00:14:24) childhood kids are not just learning (00:14:27) about a situation with a parent they're (00:14:29) taking interactions and they're making (00:14:31) generalizations not from one moment but (00:14:33) patterns about what emotions are safe (00:14:36) what emotions can I deal with what can I (00:14:38) tolerate and what emotions as soon as I (00:14:41) feel them do I need to like turn off (00:14:44) right away and so when a kid says I'm (00:14:47) the only one who can't read the truth is (00:14:50) when our kid is adult they probably (00:14:51) won't say that but they'll probably say (00:14:53) I'm the only one who whatever it is (00:14:55) didn't get a job yet I'm the only one of (00:14:57) my friends who um didn't buy their own (00:15:00) house right whatever it is like we're (00:15:01) always going to feel that way and so (00:15:03) when we make our kid happy what we (00:15:06) actually say to them is I am just as (00:15:10) scared of this emotion you're feeling as (00:15:12) you are wow and so then what I don't (00:15:15) want to deal with this emotion I'm Terri (00:15:17) I want to run away from it I want to do (00:15:19) anything but this and so what a kid (00:15:20) circuit is I feel let's say it's this I (00:15:23) feel less than or could be I feel (00:15:24) jealous I feel sad I feel disappointed (00:15:27) and what gets layered next to that in (00:15:28) the circuit is my parents fear my (00:15:31) parents avoidance those things get put (00:15:34) together the irony is when you (00:15:37) make happiness a goal of childhood you (00:15:40) actually set a kid up for an adulthood (00:15:42) of anxiety because they have a range of (00:15:44) emotions that they've encoded as wrong (00:15:47) and fearful and to me anxiety actually (00:15:49) isn't a feeling it's the experience of (00:15:51) wanting to run away from a feeling and (00:15:54) if avoiding it yeah it is and you can't (00:15:56) really run away from a feeling inside (00:15:58) your body that's what anx IDE is you're (00:15:59) like wait this is not going to win and (00:16:01) so to me the idea of we want to help (00:16:03) kids become resilient resilience over (00:16:06) happiness and resilience comes from (00:16:08) being able to tolerate and sit with the (00:16:10) widest range of emotions not constrict (00:16:13) ourselves to I interviewed a brain (00:16:16) surgeon on here who's also a a (00:16:18) neuroscientist a PhD in Neuroscience but (00:16:20) also had done a thousand brain surgeries (00:16:22) and I said what's the number one skill (00:16:23) you wish every human being could learn (00:16:26) to be better humans and he said (00:16:28) emotional Reg (00:16:29) ulation like from doing a thousand brain (00:16:32) surgeries and studying Neuroscience the (00:16:34) mind he was like emotional regulation (00:16:36) will support us and being healthier (00:16:38) happier human beings and it goes back to (00:16:40) what you're saying which is learning how (00:16:42) to navigate all of the emotions and be (00:16:46) with them and feel uncomfortable and sad (00:16:48) and know how to manage them not avoid (00:16:50) run away be distracted by them right (00:16:53) that's right because like when I you (00:16:55) know I was joke when I was in private (00:16:56) practice I saw a lot of you know year- (00:16:59) old 30-year-old 40-year-olds and not one (00:17:01) of them came to my practicing Dr Becky (00:17:04) like I had the best parents and you know (00:17:06) those emotions other people feel like (00:17:08) jealous and sad and like those hard (00:17:09) things I I got rid of them my parents (00:17:12) got rid of them I've never felt them (00:17:13) again like that's never that it (00:17:15) obviously has never happened but what (00:17:17) happened over and over even though no (00:17:19) one said it but their stories and (00:17:22) behavior really exemplified it was I am (00:17:26) now 23 I'm now 45 and I'm literally no (00:17:29) better able to regulate frustration and (00:17:31) disappointment and sadness than than I (00:17:33) was when I was a doler wow and but the (00:17:35) stakes are higher way higher as an adult (00:17:38) way higher so emotion regulation that is (00:17:41) the goal of childhood I mean that's the (00:17:43) goal of adulthood too by the way it's (00:17:46) still the goal we're all working on it (00:17:47) you've been called like the the (00:17:48) millennial parenting Whisperer is that (00:17:50) right I think Time Magazine wrote that (00:17:52) one Time Magazine call you the (00:17:53) millennial parenting Whisperer I've had (00:17:55) Caesar Milan who's the dog whisperer on (00:17:58) and and um you know people come in to (00:18:01) say Hey how do you fix my dog and he (00:18:03) fixes humans essentially he teaches (00:18:04) humans how to lead themselves better and (00:18:07) it sounds like parents come to you and (00:18:08) say how do I fix my kid and you're (00:18:10) coming to them and saying well you need (00:18:11) to learn how to be a better leader and (00:18:12) heal and reprogram yourself and learn (00:18:15) how to regulate your emotions so you can (00:18:17) manage these situations would that be (00:18:20) accurate that is completely accurate and (00:18:22) I think you know I doubl down on that (00:18:24) and say I think when we have kids we (00:18:25) have this (00:18:27) unconscious wish that they're going to (00:18:29) heal (00:18:30) us and they trigger us oh that's what (00:18:33) happens when you have kids so I say it (00:18:35) again we have an unconscious wish that (00:18:36) our kids will heal us and in reality our (00:18:39) kids trigger us why do we think our kids (00:18:41) will heal us because I think in general (00:18:45) we all have the wish that (00:18:47) something in the external world (00:18:49) something we can gaze out at will (00:18:51) finally give us the comfort and the (00:18:54) sense of Safety and Security that we've (00:18:55) always been yearning for and part of (00:18:57) adulthood I think in involves learning (00:18:59) to gaze in not from a place of it's my (00:19:02) fault but from a place of actually like (00:19:03) I have the power and it's hard but I (00:19:06) have the power to do that myself wow oh (00:19:09) my gosh okay so want to get to the third (00:19:12) thing yes let's get to the third thing (00:19:13) the third thing I want parents to know (00:19:15) and like to me this is I should have (00:19:17) said it's the first thing I messed up my (00:19:18) order okay so I save the best for last (00:19:21) start over um but the last the second (00:19:23) thing was resilience over happiness yes (00:19:27) and I well I want to ask you before you (00:19:29) get a third thing how do we raise (00:19:31) resilient children okay then this (00:19:34) is I I'm excited I'm excited we can put (00:19:37) the third thing out there we'll leave (00:19:38) everyone with a cliffhanger what's the (00:19:39) third thing if this one's important if (00:19:41) that one's even more important okay so I (00:19:44) think first of all again and and we have (00:19:46) to understand before we intervene so how (00:19:49) do we build resilience well what is (00:19:50) resilience right and we have to really (00:19:53) understand that and I think that (00:19:55) resilience really is our ability to (00:19:57) tolerate hard things and the word (00:19:59) tolerate is important because we all (00:20:01) think it's the ability to like get (00:20:02) through it the getting through happens (00:20:04) when it happens and the truth is the (00:20:06) longer you can tolerate something not (00:20:07) something toxic that is so not what I'm (00:20:09) talking about or abusive but the longer (00:20:11) you can tolerate something hard the (00:20:13) success is going to find itself and it's (00:20:15) going to be more likely because you were (00:20:16) able to stay in the hard place can you (00:20:18) give an example of what this would be (00:20:19) like for a parent and a child sure I can (00:20:21) give you two different examples very (00:20:22) concretely right so this is something I (00:20:24) teach to a lot of um parents and one of (00:20:26) my favorite my frustration tolerance (00:20:28) Workshop which is relevant for school (00:20:30) for everything so let's say and say my a (00:20:33) three-year-old is is doing a puzzle I (00:20:36) can't do it you do it for me you do it (00:20:38) for me this is a good example right and (00:20:40) as a parent I get it you got home you're (00:20:41) like this is like the last thing I want (00:20:43) to do tired I want to relax I was going (00:20:45) to have a nice night with like you know (00:20:47) my kid I get it but I I'm really driven (00:20:51) by impact and so like I actually get (00:20:53) this like sick Joy when my kid is on the (00:20:56) verge of a meltdown really yes (00:20:58) especially when I've been working a lot (00:21:00) cuz I'm like if I'm going to spend 20 (00:21:01) minutes for my with my kid like I'm (00:21:03) going to make it count and like it's (00:21:05) nice if I'm there for a pleasant 20 (00:21:07) minutes of course but if I want to have (00:21:09) an impact oh I like literally can (00:21:11) picture my impact on him so you're like (00:21:14) hoping when you come home that having a (00:21:16) breakdown and that temperar in life (00:21:18) that's when we're going to be a big (00:21:19) breakthrough right like but in a way I (00:21:21) think that's a a really important (00:21:23) reframe like especially if you're a (00:21:24) parent who travels a lot or you're not (00:21:25) around a lot to be like wait like I can (00:21:28) have it's not easy it's certainly not (00:21:30) convenient that's the one word parents (00:21:32) need to know having kids is not fun or (00:21:34) convenient in most situations it's not (00:21:36) at all and this is like your it's like (00:21:39) your Super Bowl right now like this is (00:21:41) your (00:21:42) opportunity you know because my kid and (00:21:46) how I respond to the puzzle is not going (00:21:48) to remember anything about the puzzle (00:21:49) their body not from that one time but (00:21:51) from pattern their nervous system is (00:21:53) going to be developing expectations (00:21:56) around what can I do when things get (00:21:58) hard what can I get away with right or (00:22:01) yeah and what what should I expect what (00:22:04) is my self talk a parents words become a (00:22:09) child's selft talk a parents words (00:22:12) become a child's selft talk wow yes so (00:22:15) what so what your parents say to you (00:22:16) over and over again is what you say to (00:22:17) yourself especially when paired with an (00:22:19) emotional situation so when I'm (00:22:21) frustrated did I have someone come and I (00:22:23) always say like frustration is now like (00:22:25) super bright do I expect someone to come (00:22:28) and turn off the light no (00:22:31) frustration or do I expect someone to (00:22:33) come and like by the way they're present (00:22:34) with me they dim they dim the light so (00:22:37) it's just not so blinding that's emotion (00:22:41) regulation interesting like that's the (00:22:43) best to gets there are drugs that will (00:22:45) do that better for you but they have you (00:22:47) know that's not what we recommend for (00:22:49) people long term like when we're talking (00:22:50) about true emotion regulation we're (00:22:52) talking about a dimmer because it's (00:22:54) impossible to deal with something when (00:22:55) it's a 10 out of 10 even nine out of 10 (00:22:57) is really hard once you get to an eight (00:22:59) or a seven it's not pleasant it's not (00:23:01) convenient but you you you start to be (00:23:03) able to tolerate it and from there you (00:23:04) can you know get maybe to a six or a (00:23:06) five that's the goal for our kid so I'll (00:23:08) model this my kid is freaking out about (00:23:10) the puzzle now to be clear are there (00:23:12) times that I'd be like I'm giving myself (00:23:14) permission to do the puzzle cuz I can't (00:23:16) deal with this of course I'm a normal (00:23:18) human everybody has to give that (00:23:20) permission to themselves and so doct B (00:23:22) you're not a perfect parent like zero no (00:23:24) no no no everyone listening to what I'm (00:23:26) saying don't think like I actually do (00:23:27) this all the time you come home and that (00:23:29) after a long day and you're like okay (00:23:30) what do you need right now and you're (00:23:32) stressed out okay I'm going to do this (00:23:33) puzzle with you yeah and that will (00:23:35) eventually get to point three and I (00:23:36) wouldn't wish Dr Becky as the real (00:23:38) parent on any kid it's just like you (00:23:40) learn the most I'm true you two in life (00:23:41) you learn the most from people who (00:23:42) struggle and repair and of course right (00:23:44) so but here's this like moment and (00:23:46) there's and I can go through an older (00:23:47) kid example too because it's not as (00:23:49) obvious but like my kid is frustrated my (00:23:51) kid's going to be frustrated for the (00:23:52) rest of their life in higher stake (00:23:53) situations they're going to be giv (00:23:55) something from a boss be like I don't (00:23:56) know how to do this right and like I (00:23:58) actually don't first all I definitely (00:23:59) don't want my kid when they're 25 to (00:24:01) call me and be like can you do my (00:24:03) project for me definitely don't want (00:24:04) that I don't want them to be indignant (00:24:06) how could this person have I want them (00:24:07) to have some type of weight I don't know (00:24:10) what I'm going to do but I have a (00:24:11) feeling I can just think this through or (00:24:15) get a little further so if that's what I (00:24:17) want there that is not unrelated to the (00:24:20) pattern of how I interact now wow so I (00:24:23) could say here's the piece once in a (00:24:24) while I do that not great for long-term (00:24:27) resilience (00:24:28) so here's what I might do okay and I'm (00:24:31) going to my kid is starting to have a (00:24:33) tantrum and even he's saying do the (00:24:35) piece I can't do it I'm say sweetie (00:24:38) sweetie this is this is so hard this is (00:24:41) so hard and I know I have real kids they (00:24:43) it's not like they are going to say to (00:24:44) me oh that's so helpful to hear no it's (00:24:46) not going to happen they're going to (00:24:47) still freaking out but their reaction is (00:24:49) different than the power of my (00:24:50) intervention also to separate things I (00:24:53) might say this I might say oh so many (00:24:57) pieces I don't know where it goes does (00:24:58) it go here does it go here does it go (00:25:00) here and if my kid is like do it for me (00:25:02) I really and I've said this to my kid (00:25:04) said listen sweetie I'm not going to do (00:25:05) it for you here's (00:25:07) why I know you're capable of figuring (00:25:11) this out and the best feeling in the (00:25:13) world is the feeling you get when you (00:25:16) think you can't do something and then (00:25:19) you wait a little bit and you see that (00:25:21) you can do a little bit more and I'm not (00:25:23) going to take that feeling away from you (00:25:25) and so I'll take a deep breath with you (00:25:27) we can take a break but like I know you (00:25:29) can do this okay and when I hear people (00:25:33) be like does that work yes I mean it (00:25:35) doesn't that work for adults imagine you (00:25:37) having a hard time at your job and you (00:25:39) saying to your manager like you do this (00:25:41) one if they're like listen I'm not (00:25:42) because I know you're capable and like (00:25:43) it's okay if it takes some time it's (00:25:45) okay if you take a break I can be here (00:25:47) to like kind of think about where could (00:25:48) that piece go o is that an edge o EDG is (00:25:50) in the middle probably not in the puzzle (00:25:52) where do oh you're right edes go on the (00:25:55) outside look at you my kid experiences (00:25:57) the win and what their body learns is (00:26:00) when I get frustrated I don't look for (00:26:04) the answer for someone to take that away (00:26:06) from me and give me Immediate success by (00:26:08) the way if we really want to get into it (00:26:09) if we want to know what entitlement is (00:26:11) entitlement is the accumulated (00:26:13) experience of feeling frustrated and (00:26:16) then having someone else give you (00:26:18) immediate success wow that's what it is (00:26:20) without you having to do it and I'll (00:26:22) never forget seeing this family of (00:26:23) 16-year-olds who was like horrified (00:26:25) their kid had full on tantrum at 16 (00:26:27) because they weren't flying for class (00:26:28) and they were like gosh every parents (00:26:31) Nightmare and they're like how do we get (00:26:32) entitled kid the most well-meaning (00:26:33) parents but this was a kid every time (00:26:35) something thing didn't go his way and (00:26:37) and I think money makes this more (00:26:38) complicated because you can buy kind of (00:26:41) your way out of kids frustration you can (00:26:43) so it's almost hard to resist that if (00:26:45) that's an option but every time it was (00:26:47) like frustration success frustration a (00:26:49) new Option frustration I figured it out (00:26:51) because someone else did something for (00:26:52) me well what you finally get to the (00:26:54) point at 16 if that's your circuit and (00:26:56) then you're frustrated because something (00:26:58) surprising it's not really about first (00:27:00) class your body actually is like WTF (00:27:03) like I literally was not built to (00:27:06) tolerate this and then it ends up (00:27:08) looking awful but really it's really (00:27:10) vulnerable right super vulnerable super (00:27:12) vulnerable so I want to give you one (00:27:13) more example of resilience there's three (00:27:15) lines I think every parent needs to know (00:27:17) and I honestly have can almost reframe (00:27:19) that saying I think every person in a (00:27:20) relationship needs to know whether (00:27:21) you're in a romantic relationship a work (00:27:23) relationship it's the same stuff because (00:27:25) another resilience building moment I can (00:27:27) imagine kind of like what I said to you (00:27:29) earlier let's say your kid's a little (00:27:30) older I'm the only I'm the only kid who (00:27:32) doesn't know how to read chapter books (00:27:34) or I'm the only one of my friends who (00:27:35) didn't get into honors math so teenagers (00:27:37) yeah let's say that I'm the only kid who (00:27:38) didn't get into honor math I tried out (00:27:40) for the lacrosse team all my kids my (00:27:41) friends made it and I I didn't make it (00:27:43) right everyone me included okay my first (00:27:47) instinct is to quote make my kid feel (00:27:49) better oh you're going to make it next (00:27:52) year or you made you made Varsity soccer (00:27:55) and none of them made soccer right (00:27:56) whatever whatever the thing is or we say (00:27:59) you're going to see it's not a big deal (00:28:00) okay so here's the image I'm big on (00:28:02) images this is going to matter in 20 (00:28:03) years or whatever you we say right the (00:28:06) truth is we kind of say it cuz we're (00:28:07) uncomfortable and we're just kind of (00:28:08) making a kid a pawn in our game but like (00:28:11) if you picture your kid on a bench and (00:28:13) if you picture like them kind of in a (00:28:14) garden that's what I like to see that's (00:28:16) like the parable for Lun life the garden (00:28:18) and there's a bench and essentially when (00:28:20) your kid says I'm the only one who (00:28:21) didn't make the lacrosse team let's say (00:28:23) they're sitting on the bench of what is (00:28:25) it disappointment or maybe it's (00:28:27) embarrassment (00:28:28) or both or feeling surprised and let (00:28:31) down I don't know it's something like (00:28:32) that that's the bench and as parents we (00:28:34) tend to have two instincts when our kid (00:28:36) is on the bench kind of of some type of (00:28:39) distress we either want to tell them (00:28:42) that their bench isn't their bench like (00:28:44) that's not a big deal even though (00:28:45) they're like but I'm but that's how I (00:28:47) feel but I'm on it like I'm or we kind (00:28:50) of see a sunnier bench and we're like (00:28:53) just come with me right but like you're (00:28:57) the best at you know at soccer and so (00:28:59) we're like right and both of those (00:29:03) reduce resilience cuz resilience is kind (00:29:06) of like your ability in that Garden of (00:29:08) Life to like whatever bench you find (00:29:09) yourself on you're able to sit in it not (00:29:11) drown in it but sit in it like cuz when (00:29:13) you're there you inevitably will be like (00:29:15) you're not terrified it you're not (00:29:16) spending all your energy like running (00:29:17) away from a bench like if you saw that (00:29:19) you'd be like dude like what just just a (00:29:21) bench you know just and so how do we (00:29:24) help our kid feel like essentially like (00:29:27) it's okay to be them no matter what (00:29:29) bench they're on or it's really it's (00:29:30) okay to be you even when you don't make (00:29:32) the low cost team cuz that's really the (00:29:34) essence that's the core thing that (00:29:36) resilience is about so how long should (00:29:38) they sit on that bench of emotion great (00:29:40) so to me these three lines will play (00:29:41) that out so to me as soon as your kids (00:29:43) say something distressing to you we have (00:29:45) those two urges we have to recognize (00:29:46) them we're not bad people just I always (00:29:48) say say hi to them hello urge to make it (00:29:50) better and here's to me is the first (00:29:51) line every parent needs in their toolbox (00:29:54) I'm so glad you're talking to me about (00:29:56) this to the the child say that to the (00:29:58) child right away when they're stressed (00:30:00) out when they're angry upset shameful (00:30:03) any any unsettling emotion that you (00:30:05) don't enjoy yourself say back to them (00:30:07) I'm so glad you're telling me this right (00:30:09) now that's right I'm so glad we're (00:30:10) talking about this that because and (00:30:12) again if you think about an adult (00:30:13) context if I was like I'm so mad at my (00:30:15) husband he never whatever whatever it is (00:30:17) he never is home for bedtime and he he (00:30:20) forgot the one thing I said and if I was (00:30:22) like Hey like you're never you're never (00:30:24) doing anything around the house and I (00:30:26) I'm really frustrated if he said to me (00:30:28) you know what Becky well you're upset (00:30:29) but like I'm so glad you're telling me (00:30:31) about this like you know relationships (00:30:34) I'd be like I think we're good now like (00:30:35) I don't I I don't even know what was I (00:30:36) upset about like because what someone's (00:30:38) really saying to you when they say that (00:30:40) is this feeling in you that you're (00:30:42) feeling is real and I still want to be (00:30:46) in a (00:30:48) relationship with you when you're (00:30:50) feeling that way yeah I still love and (00:30:52) accept you that's right and so our kids (00:30:54) need to absorb from us from a resilience (00:30:56) perspective my parent can tolerate this (00:30:59) part of me before I learn wow to (00:31:02) tolerate this part of me wow so that's (00:31:05) line one line two I believe you I I (00:31:09) always say like if there's one line that (00:31:13) would be probably the most healing in (00:31:15) people's childhoods wow and the most (00:31:17) confidence building from childhood it's (00:31:20) that and it's so simple like cuz when (00:31:22) you say to someone what if you really (00:31:24) don't believe them though well there's (00:31:25) always something you should believe so (00:31:27) so right because like they're like I (00:31:29) didn't make the lacrosse team and um oh (00:31:33) and like I'm I'm never going to be able (00:31:34) to go to school again or something it's (00:31:36) so embarrassing right I'm not saying I (00:31:38) guess you can never go to school again (00:31:40) that's not what I'm believing I believe (00:31:41) that's how you feel that's right and you (00:31:42) know even have to say that because (00:31:44) underneath our kids extreme (00:31:46) verbalizations we get very cut up in (00:31:48) their words yes they represent a world (00:31:51) we believe the world and so even like (00:31:54) I'm never going to school again I I (00:31:56) would say like I believe it it feels (00:31:58) that bad and because I do it does and (00:32:01) it's like it just it is like he's on (00:32:03) that bench like right I especially (00:32:06) someone of that age who doesn't have the (00:32:07) skills of emotional resilience so (00:32:09) they're building it still and they (00:32:11) haven't figured out how to manage those (00:32:12) emotions it seems horrifying that's (00:32:15) right seems terrifying that's right and (00:32:17) if my kid says I'm the only one who (00:32:18) didn't get a chapter book you know I got (00:32:20) this picture book and everyone else is (00:32:22) reading chapter books it's so easy to (00:32:24) say you can't be the only one we (00:32:27) actually say to our kids all the time (00:32:28) which terrifies me I don't believe you (00:32:31) and if we wonder why people don't trust (00:32:33) their (00:32:34) emotions it's because when they felt (00:32:37) emotions that were strong they received (00:32:40) not one time over and over a message of (00:32:43) I know your (00:32:44) feelings better than you know your (00:32:46) feelings or just suck it up or it's not (00:32:47) that big a deal or just kind of (00:32:49) undermining their emotions right that's (00:32:51) right and so when I think about I (00:32:52) believe you I do like I have a daughter (00:32:54) I have three kids I have a daughter and (00:32:55) like I don't know why I always pick like (00:32:57) she's at some like college party in some (00:32:59) like kind of uncomfortable situation (00:33:02) let's just say how old is she now how (00:33:04) old is she now she's nine but let's just (00:33:06) say she's now she's 20 and someone's (00:33:08) like I don't know come back with me and (00:33:11) let's just she wants to do great but (00:33:12) let's say she doesn't yeah you know in (00:33:14) those situations be like it's not a big (00:33:15) deal you know do I want her selft talk (00:33:18) to be I do have a history of other (00:33:21) people knowing what I'm feeling better (00:33:23) than I know what I'm feeling or do I (00:33:25) want her to be like (00:33:28) like I know I don't want to go home I (00:33:30) like I'm want to cry like I believe (00:33:31) myself and I this person is telling me I (00:33:34) want something else but like how could (00:33:36) this person know because I know what I'm (00:33:40) feeling and those things are completely (00:33:42) related and so that's the second line (00:33:45) wow and then the third line is equally (00:33:47) simple is just tell me (00:33:49) more tell me more oh and then oh so they (00:33:52) posted the list on the pinb wait so (00:33:54) everyone was oh my goodness everyone was (00:33:57) there and let's say I knew my son had a (00:33:59) crush on someone oh that person oh that (00:34:00) person was there too and you were like (00:34:02) so excited you were going to like be on (00:34:03) the lacrosse team and that person saw (00:34:06) saw that you failed and exactly so I'm (00:34:08) just like flushing out the story and now (00:34:09) at all these moments that my kid was in (00:34:11) pain which by the way part of the pain (00:34:13) was probably that they were alone kind (00:34:14) of infusing myself in every moment I'm (00:34:17) adding connection I'm adding believing (00:34:19) and here's the thing about the bench in (00:34:21) my experience when you kind of go (00:34:22) through this your kid gets off the bench (00:34:24) before you do every time really and then (00:34:27) you're like (00:34:27) I guess where where are they going next (00:34:29) and when they need you come back yeah (00:34:31) you find them on that next bench (00:34:34) interesting so they'll get off this F (00:34:36) bench faster of emotions if you go (00:34:38) through one or all three of these (00:34:40) questions or these these phrases right (00:34:42) really do and look we can't just like (00:34:43) say them like if I'm sitting my kid I'm (00:34:45) like I believe you tell me more like (00:34:46) they're gonna be like what are you doing (00:34:48) like did you hear that on some podcast (00:34:49) you know so um that won't help right we (00:34:52) we we process intention and tone before (00:34:55) language so that has to be there and (00:34:57) like I don't want to say it's some magic (00:34:59) and to me when do kids get off it like I (00:35:00) don't know we all feel feelings for (00:35:02) whatever amount of time you know but if (00:35:04) like I get it like parents are sometimes (00:35:05) worried like am I going to stick them (00:35:07) there like feelings don't give us (00:35:09) problems as much as feeling alone in our (00:35:12) feelings give us problems feeling alone (00:35:16) in our feelings give us problems that's (00:35:17) what makes us stuck interesting we're (00:35:19) literally stuck because we're alone like (00:35:20) humans are we're beings of connection (00:35:22) and attachment attachment is what's (00:35:24) driving us so we're always attachment (00:35:26) seeking and when we're not getting the (00:35:27) attachment we need we will get stuck and (00:35:30) Frozen like you were kind of referring (00:35:31) to you're Frozen and so it's interesting (00:35:33) we have such a fear of if I connect I'll (00:35:36) keep them there longer it's actually (00:35:38) aloneness that keeps them when there (00:35:39) longer and actually makes them intensify (00:35:41) things because when we don't get our (00:35:43) emotions taken seriously by someone (00:35:45) everyone forget being a kid adult too (00:35:48) you escalate the expression because (00:35:50) you're that much more desperate to be (00:35:52) taken seriously which usually makes (00:35:53) people be like I can't you're so (00:35:55) dramatic okay you know now they have to (00:35:56) escalate even more until you pay (00:35:59) attention to me exactly which is why (00:36:00) they I believe you and it can be healing (00:36:02) too and repair like hey you know like (00:36:04) you're still stuck on this lacrosse (00:36:06) thing because I get it from a parent (00:36:07) like they didn't make Lacrosse four (00:36:09) months ago Dr Beck right but if you just (00:36:12) assume and it's not right but it's it (00:36:15) might be effective right like there's a (00:36:16) million ways to interpret things I (00:36:18) always say like you can be right or you (00:36:20) can be effective like I urged the (00:36:21) effective you know so just say like you (00:36:23) know what like I don't feel like I ever (00:36:24) fully understand how awful that day was (00:36:26) I'm just going to sit in your bed and (00:36:28) the idea of sitting on a bench like I (00:36:29) think that's usual it's like sit on the (00:36:30) bed with your teen or you know and I'm (00:36:32) just going to listen and I would say to (00:36:33) your kid not listen to judge or give you (00:36:35) an idea CU actually that's not listening (00:36:38) listen understand and that just means I (00:36:41) want to hear you I might ask things to (00:36:44) clarify but what I've never said to you (00:36:46) and I should have said (00:36:48) is I believe you that that day felt as (00:36:51) bad as you said it did and like not like (00:36:54) normal bad not like I went to my (00:36:56) favorite ice ice cream store and got an (00:36:58) ice cream and it dropped off my cone not (00:37:01) like like a billion times worse than (00:37:04) that (00:37:06) and I just how parent I feel like a (00:37:10) parents be like my kid (00:37:12) really my K started crying or my kid (00:37:14) like something released and they soften (00:37:16) like I mean you know this like at our (00:37:18) core we are desperate to be believed (00:37:20) that's like our most cor it's true just (00:37:22) believed and seen and like so so many of (00:37:25) these times when a parent feels like my (00:37:27) kid is stuck in that the thing that we (00:37:28) need to shift is actually taking the (00:37:31) opposite approach we us like you don't (00:37:32) need to feel like that anymore that was (00:37:33) 4 months it's actually sticking them (00:37:35) more it's just like wait staying in the (00:37:37) emotion more yes saying let's talk about (00:37:39) it more tell me more about this yeah (00:37:40) just tell me more I must not have (00:37:41) understood something and then of course (00:37:43) it's helpful to have language look this (00:37:44) was super super helpful like kind of I (00:37:47) wouldn't say this to my kid but we're (00:37:48) going to time box this you know like (00:37:50) things that you know and you know about (00:37:52) it for what 30 minutes and then sure I (00:37:54) always like talk about when I used to (00:37:55) work with adults like who are really (00:37:56) kind of looping in their anxiety like (00:37:58) we're never worry window for like the (00:38:00) top of an hour for 10 minutes you're (00:38:01) going to literally just focus on (00:38:03) everything you're worried about and like (00:38:04) if you ever have a productive hopeful (00:38:05) thought you're actually not you're going (00:38:06) to say sorry no worry time no no I'm (00:38:09) only negative stress only right now I'm (00:38:11) going to write it all down and then (00:38:11) during the other 50 minutes you're say (00:38:13) hi worries and don't worry like it's (00:38:15) kind of like when you have multiple kids (00:38:16) like you will you don't even want my (00:38:17) attention now you don't have my full (00:38:18) attention like you're going to get my (00:38:19) full attention at at two we're 15 (00:38:22) minutes away and and and our our (00:38:24) feelings actually they kind of do (00:38:26) respect that and I think kids would too (00:38:27) so I want to talk to you about lacrosse (00:38:29) and I want to be honest I want to talk (00:38:31) about it I haven't been the best (00:38:32) listener I really haven't I'm going to (00:38:33) do that differently you're going to see (00:38:35) not going to be perfect but you'll see a (00:38:36) difference at 1:10 that's what I'm going (00:38:39) to call it not because you're not (00:38:40) allowed to have feelings after that but (00:38:41) feelings are tricky like it's super (00:38:43) helpful to know them and it's helpful (00:38:45) for feelings to know they even have a (00:38:47) boundary and so at that point you know (00:38:50) like we're we're going to do something (00:38:51) else or at least I'm going to do (00:38:52) something else yeah we can do that now (00:38:55) everything you say here makes a lot of (00:38:57) of sense to me and I fully believe and (00:39:00) understand that this is a great approach (00:39:04) um to building relationship with anyone (00:39:07) right a partner a child anyone but I (00:39:10) think about you know our grandparents (00:39:12) generation or great-grandparents (00:39:14) generation that didn't have the (00:39:15) conveniences the ease the speed of (00:39:18) things that we do the flexibility the (00:39:22) just pay for something and you have a (00:39:23) solution done in seconds uh the (00:39:25) distractions (00:39:27) and I could see them saying you know (00:39:30) what are you guys talking about this (00:39:32) just what do you mean have all these (00:39:34) loving conversations and really sit down (00:39:37) for 30 minutes and let them talk about (00:39:39) nonsense or whatever you know I could (00:39:40) just think about our grandparents (00:39:43) generation some of them thinking what do (00:39:47) this even mean because we don't have (00:39:49) that luxury to do that yeah we've got to (00:39:52) work hard you know there's Wars (00:39:54) happening we've got CH we're other stuff (00:39:56) we're dealing with (00:39:57) than trying to deal with a simple little (00:40:00) emotion I'm all for not being being that (00:40:03) way I'm all for having loving vulnerable (00:40:05) conversations but again what's what I'm (00:40:07) hearing you say is learning how to (00:40:10) prepare individuals to be resilient is (00:40:13) going to be one of the greatest skills (00:40:15) that they can (00:40:16) learn but it seems like it's really (00:40:19) tough these days to build resilient (00:40:20) children into young adults and adults (00:40:23) with all the ease flexibility and (00:40:26) distractions we have I mean I think (00:40:27) you're absolutely right it is really (00:40:29) hard and I think it doubles down on the (00:40:31) reason why parents like okay where's my (00:40:33) school where's my resources cuz like (00:40:35) this is a hard world so there's a couple (00:40:37) things I say like if someone ever said (00:40:38) to me like Becky this does not make (00:40:40) sense like this is like it's like oh (00:40:41) you're talking about across feelings (00:40:43) forever like I really mean this like if (00:40:44) they were in the room saying that to me (00:40:46) 0% of me would even want to be like (00:40:47) here's my argument back I I really like (00:40:50) I I'm a deeply curious person like I (00:40:52) really am I be like oh like well what (00:40:54) and what would that lead to like what (00:40:55) would you be worried would happen like (00:40:56) what would we be missing there oh that's (00:40:58) a good point let's or oh I see it this (00:41:00) way like I would actually I there's (00:41:01) nothing I love more than engaging in (00:41:03) people who have very different opinions (00:41:04) for me not because I see it as a match (00:41:06) like I actually learn a ton so I have (00:41:08) deep respect for people who don't think (00:41:10) that way and would say that's the way (00:41:12) the conversation would go one thing I'll (00:41:14) say though is we have this idea and it's (00:41:16) been passed on to us generation after (00:41:17) generation that like feelings are soft (00:41:19) it's just like bananas to me like no (00:41:21) part of me like when I think about my (00:41:24) style my Approach like the word soft (00:41:27) people actually say to me often because (00:41:28) there this whole feel of gentle (00:41:29) parenting like tell me about gentle (00:41:31) parenting I don't even know exactly how (00:41:33) you define gentle parenting gentle is (00:41:35) like the one of the lowest on the list (00:41:37) of adjectives i' used to describe myself (00:41:39) that doesn't mean mean there's a lot (00:41:41) between but gentle stoft like that is so (00:41:43) not me right that's just not my style (00:41:45) it's not my Approach what is your style (00:41:47) of parenting I call I mean if I had to (00:41:49) put a name to it and I hate boxing (00:41:50) myself in but it would be like the word (00:41:52) sturdy is it and to me sturdiness is (00:41:54) your ability to both be connected to to (00:41:56) someone else and stay connected to (00:41:58) yourself at the same time and the irony (00:42:01) and this is what I think is so (00:42:03) interesting we feel before we think our (00:42:07) feelings are what give us basic (00:42:10) information about survival about danger (00:42:14) and about what we need that's what our (00:42:16) feeling is like anger is a feeling most (00:42:19) of us haven't learned to manage it (00:42:20) that's a different topic but anger is a (00:42:23) feeling that tells you what you need (00:42:25) that's you useful information to live a (00:42:29) life in line with your values like (00:42:31) feelings being soft like I feel like (00:42:33) someone said that thousands of years ago (00:42:35) and for some reason like it it doesn't (00:42:38) like it just doesn't make any sense to (00:42:39) me it's the first thing what first thing (00:42:41) in a circuit is soft it's primary it's (00:42:44) literally primary now most of us were (00:42:47) not raised to manage our emotions but (00:42:51) the way I see it from the start is kids (00:42:52) are born with all of the emotions and (00:42:55) none of the skills to manage emotions (00:42:57) wow and for Generations we've said the (00:43:00) emotions are the (00:43:02) problem the lack of skills are the (00:43:05) problem right because the emotions (00:43:07) they're going to beat us every day (00:43:09) they're inside of us you can't get rid (00:43:10) of them if you can't beat them join them (00:43:12) like that's soft it's like it's like (00:43:13) something we justify to ourselves so we (00:43:15) don't feel weak like well the funny (00:43:16) thing is parents they don't like the (00:43:18) emotions of the child but they can't (00:43:20) manage their own emotions a lot of times (00:43:22) well that's actually what it is like (00:43:23) when we say let's say my kid is melting (00:43:26) down cuz classic let's say toddler I cut (00:43:29) their grilled cheese in half yeah you (00:43:31) know where I cut it in a triangle (00:43:32) instead of the rectangle you going to (00:43:34) cut the uh the edges off exactly that's (00:43:36) easier at least I can now do that or I (00:43:38) did cut the crust off and I'm trying to (00:43:39) like tape it back together or something (00:43:41) you know right so my kid's having a (00:43:43) tantrum and we say to ourselves and it (00:43:45) sounds convincing my kid is so difficult (00:43:48) we're not reacting to our kids tantrum (00:43:50) we are reacting to what happens inside (00:43:52) of us when our kid is a tantrum and the (00:43:54) only reason we want to shut down the (00:43:56) Tantrum is because we want to shut down (00:43:59) this feeling we don't have the skill to (00:44:01) manage oh and so again that we're (00:44:04) inferior yeah like we actually like (00:44:06) we're like you have to stop because our (00:44:08) body actually is like I don't know how (00:44:10) to tolerate the feeling in me than (00:44:12) goodness in me which kinds of why it all (00:44:14) goes back to our not our fault but our (00:44:18) our skill building and our ability to (00:44:20) heal our ability to heal and kind of (00:44:23) this reframing like I would love someone (00:44:25) to come out and someone like more you (00:44:27) know stereotypically Mas and to be like (00:44:30) maybe emotions aren't soft maybe they're (00:44:32) pretty pretty tough those things you (00:44:34) know like maybe that's like our core it (00:44:37) is our core you know like and the other (00:44:39) thing about being soft and I just I (00:44:41) always have to say this like I think (00:44:43) about the situation where we like Dole (00:44:44) out random punishments to our kids like (00:44:46) my kid is having this tantrum and I'm (00:44:48) like go to your room or no iPad for the (00:44:51) week or no dessert like that is that is (00:44:56) freaking soft to me really like that is (00:44:59) desperate no parent is doing that from a (00:45:02) place of groundedness like I'm the CEO (00:45:04) of my company like if one of my (00:45:06) employees was like acting out in some (00:45:07) way and I was like go to your room and (00:45:09) no lunch for a week do you think (00:45:11) everyone around me would be like Becky (00:45:12) is kicking ass like what an amazing (00:45:14) they'd be like wow she's breaking down (00:45:16) in front of us she's breaking (00:45:19) down literally she's desperate wow is (00:45:22) that what they said to you last week (00:45:24) or no but like when people ask me about (00:45:27) that it's like guess what I lead with (00:45:29) the same principles like my job as a (00:45:31) leader in that situation is I might have (00:45:33) to set a boundary which is something we (00:45:35) could talk about because I love talking (00:45:36) about boundaries and I think most people (00:45:37) get them wrong um and I might have to (00:45:40) connect with that employee after maybe (00:45:41) the employees always interrupting me or (00:45:43) something but like sending someone away (00:45:46) or like taking away something random (00:45:50) like it's just I don't know why that's a (00:45:52) sign of like awesome leadership it's a (00:45:54) sign of desperation and that that way I (00:45:56) think that way of parenting is super (00:45:57) soft so what's the best way to to I (00:46:01) don't know if you want to call it punish (00:46:02) your children but what is the best way (00:46:04) to create a lesson within them through (00:46:08) either punishment or something else (00:46:10) right and and I want to ask your first (00:46:12) question because it's what I get so my (00:46:13) kid did this saying what's a good (00:46:14) punishment or how do I give a good (00:46:16) punishment or I don't do punishments but (00:46:18) I do do consequences whatever they say (00:46:19) right right right right boundaries (00:46:20) whatever that's right and to me this (00:46:21) actually gets to the core of why I (00:46:24) started writing right because I was (00:46:26) trained in a very different way of (00:46:27) working with parents it was all (00:46:29) punishments timeouts rewards sticker (00:46:32) charts ignoring praise it's kind of like (00:46:35) praise the good to get more of the good (00:46:37) punish or ignore the bad to get less of (00:46:39) the bad and when I went through this (00:46:42) very esteem program I like to me Hest my (00:46:44) first reaction I was like this is (00:46:46) amazing because the program taught you (00:46:47) these strategies yes this is like (00:46:49) probably still the gold standard out (00:46:51) there to teach psychologists for how to (00:46:53) work with parents work with kids 100% (00:46:56) And and and what happens if you're all (00:46:59) is it lights up the left part of your (00:47:01) brain CU it's so linear and it's so (00:47:04) seemingly logical I don't think it's (00:47:06) logical when you break it down but (00:47:07) you're like that's right like I'm going (00:47:08) to get more of the good behavior I'm (00:47:10) going to get less of the bad behavior (00:47:12) and and and so it all kind of like made (00:47:14) sense at the (00:47:16) time but then I think what happened in (00:47:18) my private practice is like I would be I (00:47:21) would I was like teaching parents that (00:47:24) these ways you know they'd come to me my (00:47:25) kid is you know doing something that (00:47:27) would deserve a punishment say okay I'm (00:47:28) going to teach you I'm give a timeout (00:47:29) here's exactly you doing there's a (00:47:30) protocol and here's the sticker chart (00:47:32) program you're going to put them on and (00:47:34) when they do this I want you to give (00:47:35) them praise in this way and when they do (00:47:36) this I just want you to kind of ignore (00:47:38) them like they're not there like it's (00:47:39) this whole like behav it's like raising (00:47:41) kids to behavioral control like people (00:47:43) don't say that but it's kind of what it (00:47:44) is but I taught this and while I was (00:47:46) teaching it I start having my own kids (00:47:49) it sounds like it's kind of like (00:47:50) training animals though except it's (00:47:52) what's really interesting is I've (00:47:53) started to I said that a couple times (00:47:54) and actually some of the more modern (00:47:57) people who do animal training are like (00:47:59) please don't say that we actually don't (00:48:01) I'm like we don't train dogs that way (00:48:02) anymore and I was like wow we we've (00:48:05) elevated dogs dogs dogs are beyond that (00:48:08) now yes yes isn't that crazy like that's (00:48:12) beneath our dogs yeah because our kids (00:48:14) are our most like least respected (00:48:15) citizens right we don't realize that (00:48:17) they actually have the same needs as us (00:48:19) I guess dogs do too but so I was in (00:48:22) session one day and Honestly for (00:48:23) probably the last six months like the (00:48:25) way I say it's like I was saying this (00:48:27) and my brain was like yes timeouts yes (00:48:29) makes so much sense I'm helping these (00:48:31) people um and it's so clear it's just so (00:48:33) clear and when kids do something bad I'm (00:48:35) just going to say it it (00:48:38) feels it does feel good to give a (00:48:41) punishment or time out cuz you're like I (00:48:43) just did something and you kind of get (00:48:45) to like vomit your frustration onto them (00:48:47) like that's all it really is you're like (00:48:49) now I don't have to feel that I'm just (00:48:50) going to put it on you so I get it and I (00:48:52) was teaching it and this feeling I just (00:48:54) can describe as like my body was just (00:48:55) like Rising like it was first like I (00:48:57) don't know about this and I was like (00:48:59) okay and like Becky I really don't know (00:49:01) about this and but I was like well what (00:49:02) else is there and I I remember having I (00:49:04) was like I don't know I don't know what (00:49:05) else is there so I kept having these (00:49:06) sessions and then one day these parents (00:49:09) came and I was teaching them how to De a (00:49:10) timeout and like it truly was one of (00:49:11) those I would say out of body but it was (00:49:13) a massively inbody experience that like (00:49:16) that feeling got so loud in me that's (00:49:19) the only way I can describe what (00:49:21) actually happened that I couldn't finish (00:49:23) the teaching and I I just said to them (00:49:27) this is going to sound really weird but (00:49:29) I don't believe what I'm telling you (00:49:33) literally and I'll never forget their (00:49:35) look and they were just like seriously (00:49:39) like you came very highly recommended (00:49:41) yeah we paid you a lot of money for S (00:49:42) lot of money and I was like I will give (00:49:44) you back your money and they're like yes (00:49:45) you will and I was like of course and I (00:49:47) was like and come back in like a couple (00:49:48) weeks I just have to figure something (00:49:49) out and they were like we will not be (00:49:51) coming (00:49:52) back I was like and I do not blame you (00:49:55) like this is a very weird experience I'm (00:49:56) sorry it's actually funny like with (00:49:58) everything I've done now I keep being (00:49:59) like I think they're going to reach out (00:50:00) to me one day not yet I don't know let (00:50:02) you know um but it just was like I (00:50:06) didn't feel right and and there's all of (00:50:08) this evidence for (00:50:10) it I'm a Believer in evidence and I love (00:50:13) science but yes it's always interesting (00:50:15) like it works like Works what does work (00:50:17) mean and I think this gets to the core (00:50:18) of your question like does work mean my (00:50:20) kid has an intense reaction does work (00:50:23) mean that if I happen to have a people (00:50:24) pleasing kid who's very attentive to my (00:50:27) gaze and hates to disappoint me that (00:50:29) they'll change their behavior for that (00:50:31) reason by the way they will have a whole (00:50:34) host of other problems by the time (00:50:35) they're adults really I mean what would (00:50:37) those problems be for kids like that who (00:50:39) just want to please their parents (00:50:41) constantly that that's the form of an (00:50:43) attachment they formed and so they end (00:50:44) up going to adulthood not only being (00:50:47) with but actually seeking out and being (00:50:49) attracted to people who are like tell me (00:50:52) I'm good tell me I'm good for you and (00:50:55) what I want what's going on for me (00:50:56) doesn't matter my (00:51:00) safety comes from making sure you are (00:51:04) pleased with me wow I don't have to tell (00:51:06) you the type of relationships and right (00:51:08) but that and it's not so like and that's (00:51:09) what's going to happen never too late (00:51:11) but like that that's not something I (00:51:13) think every I'm going to say especially (00:51:16) like Mom I know and woman I know is (00:51:18) trying to like undo a lot of that so you (00:51:21) know and I'll never forget a clinical (00:51:22) supervisor saying like you know what (00:51:24) else would work for kids cuz I remember (00:51:25) he earlier than me was skeptical about (00:51:27) all these like timeouts he's like every (00:51:28) time I kid did something bad I made them (00:51:30) sleep on the New York City street like (00:51:32) but I don't know if I had evidence to (00:51:34) show that that worked if that's evidence (00:51:36) to brag about I'll never forget I'm like (00:51:37) that's a good point like what do we mean (00:51:39) when do we have to like be a little more (00:51:41) critical right of and I just remember in (00:51:43) this session being like I know there's (00:51:44) evidence and I don't discount all of it (00:51:46) and it's not like all so bad I'm not a (00:51:47) rigid thinker but sounds so cheesy but (00:51:51) like what about the evidence in my body (00:51:52) that this is wrong I don't know I don't (00:51:55) saying it's Superior I evidence it's not (00:51:57) but like what what about that and what (00:51:59) about the evidence I have for my private (00:52:01) practice with adults where I watch them (00:52:03) change their lives based on an approach (00:52:06) I use with them that is a 180 degree (00:52:09) difference from what I've been telling (00:52:11) parents do with their kids like what (00:52:12) about that and like and then what ended (00:52:14) up happening is I was like I'm going to (00:52:16) take this very like first principal (00:52:18) approach to Parenting like right you (00:52:19) strip back every assumption anything (00:52:21) that could be assumption you're like no (00:52:23) no and what are you left with and I was (00:52:25) like with one thing one cuz there's all (00:52:27) these assumptions if you don't punish a (00:52:29) behavior it's like you're saying it's (00:52:30) okay exactly can do bad things you have (00:52:33) to punish like and I was like I think (00:52:35) that's an assumption like that's an (00:52:37) assumption again because like if I (00:52:39) wasn't my nicest to my husband and he's (00:52:41) like I have to punish you I'd be like I (00:52:43) don't think anyone would be like I'm not (00:52:44) speak to you for a week yeah I don't (00:52:45) think I be like you have a wonderful (00:52:47) husband like no one would say that it'd (00:52:49) be concerned for me and so I was left (00:52:51) with one thing and it was just like kids (00:52:52) are good inside and there is a (00:52:54) difference between good inside identity (00:52:56) and bad behavior and I've always been (00:52:58) very attracted to gaps that don't make (00:53:00) sense because it's where you can like (00:53:01) think and wonder and I just start asking (00:53:03) questions why would good kids do bad (00:53:05) things why would good people why do good (00:53:07) people do bad things and then I came up (00:53:10) with this phrase like well what would be (00:53:12) my most generous interpretation and to (00:53:14) me this is like a massive skill and (00:53:16) adult hood too like what is my most (00:53:17) generous interpretation of why my (00:53:18) employee is coming in late what is my (00:53:20) most generous interpretation of why my (00:53:23) kid is jumping on the couch even though (00:53:24) I looked at them and I said please stop (00:53:26) jumping on the couch and they looked at (00:53:28) me and they smiled and then they on the (00:53:31) couch like I know my least generous (00:53:32) interpretation because we come up with (00:53:33) that fast because we're like well my (00:53:35) kid's a sociopath and we we it's like so (00:53:37) fast and every parent's like I think (00:53:39) that all the time because we go there (00:53:41) and then we of course interact with our (00:53:42) kid based on that interpretation which (00:53:45) of course you then send your kid to (00:53:46) their room so what is my most generous (00:53:49) interpretation everyone came back to the (00:53:50) same thing I have a good kid who doesn't (00:53:52) have the skills they don't have the (00:53:53) skills they're struggling I have a kid (00:53:56) who's having a hard time not giving me a (00:53:58) hard time and the pathway you take from (00:54:01) having a hard time versus giving me a (00:54:03) hard time could not be more different (00:54:05) and you ask different questions so when (00:54:07) parents say to me what's the (00:54:10) punishment it's like to me a question is (00:54:13) like a road you're asking someone to (00:54:15) walk down with you in life that that's (00:54:16) how I think about questions and like for (00:54:18) me when parent asked me that question (00:54:19) I'm like I just that's not a road I'm (00:54:21) going to walk down it's not going to (00:54:22) lead us to a productive place right like (00:54:25) there's a different Road I can walk down (00:54:27) with you whether it's like I wonder why (00:54:28) we think punishment you know is the (00:54:30) right thing but even more practically (00:54:32) let's say it's the jumping on the couch (00:54:34) like well what's the most generous (00:54:36) interpretation here and I'm not a softy (00:54:39) again I'm very practical I want change (00:54:41) for kids Behavior like I've like very (00:54:43) like I have like a little window that I (00:54:45) can be tolerated I get it like and I'm (00:54:47) all for these winds that last but then I (00:54:49) would just ask a different question not (00:54:51) what punishment but what skill literally (00:54:55) would my kid need so that the next time (00:54:58) this happens they actually have a new (00:55:01) skill to use as opposed to being (00:55:03) punished for not having had that skill (00:55:07) same thing with a football player like (00:55:09) your quarterback is like I don't know (00:55:11) constantly throwing interceptions like I (00:55:13) guess you could punish the quarterback (00:55:15) or teach him new skills I but like why (00:55:17) then would the quarterback do anything (00:55:19) differently the next time they were (00:55:20) under that condition like why it doesn't (00:55:22) even make that's where the logic breaks (00:55:23) down or I can in practice be like every (00:55:26) time I don't know whatever it is this (00:55:28) happens that we've noticed your pattern (00:55:31) and so actually in practice we're going (00:55:33) to practice that we're going to pause (00:55:34) you and we're going to have you notice (00:55:35) what you're about to do and I'm going to (00:55:36) teach you something else you just (00:55:38) triggered something in me it's like when (00:55:39) I would get screamed at by the coaches (00:55:41) that I felt like were less effective um (00:55:45) when I would drop the ball if they were (00:55:46) like why did you do that catch the ball (00:55:48) it's like you think I'm trying to drop (00:55:50) the I'm not trying to drop the ball but (00:55:53) now I'm going to go out there the next (00:55:54) time and don't drop the ball this time (00:55:56) it's like now I'm anxious now I'm (00:55:58) nervous now everyone's watching now (00:56:00) there's higher Stace there's pressure (00:56:02) and I'm going to try to do my best and (00:56:03) if I drop it again it's just like now (00:56:05) I'm a failure it's not empowering me to (00:56:08) be better it's not teaching me a skill (00:56:10) it's not saying okay the goal is for you (00:56:14) to catch the (00:56:15) ball let's talk about what might have (00:56:17) happened for you what were you thinking (00:56:19) what were you feeling do you need more (00:56:21) whatever skills you need so I like this (00:56:23) approach to right addressing the skill (00:56:25) or the lesson or something to be taught (00:56:28) as opposed to blaming shaming or (00:56:30) punishing yeah and again like to me like (00:56:33) it's just 0% soft it's just like how (00:56:35) people change like and to me the phrase (00:56:38) same team it's also called leadership (00:56:39) it's leadership and I think same team is (00:56:41) a helpful phrase to get in that mindset (00:56:43) like like I feel like if a coach said to (00:56:45) you like Louis we're on the same team (00:56:47) and Lou like uhuh I know you know you're (00:56:49) supposed to catch the wall you do not (00:56:51) need me to tell you that like we don't (00:56:53) say like our kids know that they (00:56:55) shouldn't be hitting like they know so (00:56:57) but if you think about that that can (00:56:58) anger parents they know better and (00:57:00) frankly I know better than to scroll on (00:57:02) my phone before bed sure sure still do (00:57:04) it right so if you approach someone like (00:57:05) Hey leou we're on the same team and I (00:57:07) know you know this and I mean this is (00:57:08) like a helpful phrase even to think (00:57:10) there's something that's getting in your (00:57:11) way this game I don't really know what (00:57:13) it is but I do know we're going to break (00:57:15) it down together and figure it out how (00:57:17) are you going to feel like feel a lot (00:57:19) better oh he's on my side or she's on my (00:57:21) side they see what I'm up to you know (00:57:23) they're with me in the pain whatever (00:57:25) might be that's right and I don't think (00:57:26) you think I think my coach thinks it's (00:57:28) fine if I drop the next ball like and no (00:57:30) one thinks that you're just like now you (00:57:31) have an opportunity to change so if we (00:57:33) get this jumping on the couch example (00:57:35) because I think it's like a yeah it's a (00:57:36) good one it's a good one and it actually (00:57:37) brings us to boundaries which is like (00:57:39) one of my favorite life topics okay (00:57:41) because as much as I like feelings I (00:57:43) like boundaries because this is where (00:57:45) we've gone a little too far some people (00:57:47) people are like okay I'm not punishing (00:57:48) my kid their feelings matter but then (00:57:51) it's like kids feelings like Drive (00:57:54) decision making that is D decisions for (00:57:56) parents and the whole family right (00:57:58) equally as bad for kids as sending them (00:58:00) to their room so validating feelings is (00:58:01) an incomplete parenting strategy I will (00:58:03) go on the record and say that say it (00:58:06) again validating feelings is an (00:58:08) incomplete parenting strategy it's part (00:58:10) of the strategy yes but it cannot be the (00:58:13) whole thing and also to to pause there (00:58:15) because I want to hear the final there (00:58:17) but when parents allow the children to (00:58:19) dictate how the family is run what (00:58:23) happens then terrifying for kids (00:58:25) so um like to me this is how I describe (00:58:28) it okay so imagine you're on a plane and (00:58:31) you're a passenger okay are you actually (00:58:32) a pilot are you to be surpris me what (00:58:36) else then I'm like I'm have to pick a (00:58:37) different metaphor okay so you're a (00:58:38) passenger and I'm the pilot and it's (00:58:40) very turbulent and you're looking around (00:58:41) like all the passengers are like (00:58:42) freaking out right so pilot one would be (00:58:46) like classic punishment parent and (00:58:48) they'd get on it's not called a (00:58:49) loudspeaker interc the intercom thank (00:58:51) you and they'd say like everyone back (00:58:54) there stop you're you're so dramatic (00:58:56) you're making a big deal of nothing and (00:58:58) you're ruining my flight something like (00:59:00) that right this is what we say to our (00:59:02) kids like you're ruining my dinner out (00:59:03) whatever we say meanwhile if I'm (00:59:05) thinking about you a passenger you're (00:59:06) like first of all like does this person (00:59:08) know it's pretty turbulent like they (00:59:10) didn't even mention that cuz it is (00:59:11) second like all it takes is passengers (00:59:14) being upset to kind of make my pilot (00:59:17) like go off the deep end like that's (00:59:18) scary you're more scared okay but pilot (00:59:23) 2 is the opposite extreme (00:59:25) everyone back there is scared and and (00:59:28) you know what it is scary and I'm just (00:59:30) going to open the cockpit door if anyone (00:59:33) wants to come in here and take over be (00:59:36) my guest terrifying terrifying we're (00:59:39) like your feelings were just contagious (00:59:43) and that's what happens right where (00:59:45) someone's like I don't want I don't want (00:59:47) to I I don't I want to watch one more (00:59:48) show I want to watch one more show now (00:59:51) if as a parent you think you know what I (00:59:53) don't care about having them watch (00:59:55) another show yeah I thought about it I (00:59:57) am changing my decision because I made (01:00:02) that shift kids can smell and they know (01:00:04) whether it's that or a sudden they're (01:00:05) like H okay I guess I guess you can't go (01:00:08) to bed late because tomorrow we'll go oh (01:00:10) okay fine and a kid feels like you open (01:00:13) the cockpit door you influen yeah yeah (01:00:16) and now they can make big decisions that (01:00:18) is actually terrifying for a kid because (01:00:20) they feel like they don't have a leader (01:00:21) they don't have a pilot kids love (01:00:23) boundaries don't they they love (01:00:25) boundaries it would be like if your (01:00:26) pilot was like we have to make an (01:00:27) emergency landing and everyone's like no (01:00:29) I don't want to land in Denver and the (01:00:31) P's like okay forget it I we'll just (01:00:34) crash exactly you're like just right so (01:00:37) the third pilot to me is the essence of (01:00:39) sturdy leadership which to me are those (01:00:40) pillars validating other people's (01:00:42) feelings and staying connected to your (01:00:44) own role through your boundaries and to (01:00:46) me the pilot you want to hear there is I (01:00:48) hear that everyone's freaking out you're (01:00:49) right I hear you it's very turbulent (01:00:52) stay calm and even if it's a pilot you (01:00:54) don't think it's that turbulent ulent (01:00:55) you can still say I recognize it's (01:00:58) turbulent everyone's upset you know you (01:01:00) guys do your thing if you need to scream (01:01:02) it's fine I'm about to get off and go do (01:01:05) my job I've done this a million times (01:01:07) and I'm going to land Us in Los Angeles (01:01:08) I'll see you on the ground let's go (01:01:10) let's freaking go right and you're like (01:01:13) why am I calm nothing around me changed (01:01:15) right but I am calm and to me like you (01:01:19) want a leader who sees that your (01:01:21) feelings are (01:01:23) real and is not infected by them and the (01:01:28) only thing that stops that infection or (01:01:30) contagion is a boundary wow and the (01:01:34) ability to (01:01:36) know I am not my kid those are their (01:01:41) feelings and empathy for feelings (01:01:43) requires boundaries because if you're (01:01:46) not having up a boundary you're not (01:01:47) empathizing with your kid you're (01:01:49) actually kind of what we were talking (01:01:50) about you're kind of responding to the (01:01:51) way that feeling came into your body (01:01:53) that's not empathy uhhuh right (01:01:56) boundaries are actually what allow you (01:01:58) to say to a kid who's upset about the (01:02:00) cuck grilled cheese even though by the (01:02:01) way you're not making a new one or say (01:02:03) to the kid when the TV time is over I (01:02:05) know you really wish you could watch (01:02:06) another show it's so hard to stop and (01:02:09) when they say so I can you say oh (01:02:11) sweetie no no no no my number one job is (01:02:13) to keep you safe part of keeping you (01:02:15) safe is making key decisions like (01:02:17) bedtime bedtime is absolutely now you (01:02:19) can tell me the show you want to watch (01:02:21) tomorrow I'll write it down I get it (01:02:23) this isn't what you wanted do you see (01:02:25) there's like this boun I'm validating (01:02:27) but like I always say my kids feelings (01:02:31) don't dictate my boundaries and my (01:02:33) boundaries don't dictate my kids' (01:02:34) feelings they just kind of they coexist (01:02:36) wow why is it so hard for parents to (01:02:37) create boundaries with their kids so (01:02:39) first of all we don't Define what (01:02:41) boundaries are and we get it wrong so (01:02:43) boundaries are what we tell someone we (01:02:46) will do and they require the other (01:02:49) person to do nothing this is true in (01:02:51) adulthood too all the time so like with (01:02:55) my kid in the couch this is a good (01:02:56) example and I have a kid like this cuz (01:02:58) my three kids are totally different and (01:02:59) one of them is 0% people pleasing and (01:03:02) he's just like he's I I Delight in him (01:03:04) because he's my third he's like he he (01:03:06) likes to test things out he's going to (01:03:07) be a leader one day I get it you know (01:03:10) but I would look at him I'd be like hey (01:03:12) stop jump let's say it it stopped on my (01:03:14) house people jump on the couch I don't (01:03:15) really care but let's say it was that it (01:03:17) was dangerous there was a glass table (01:03:18) sweetie I need you to jump stop jumping (01:03:20) on the couch you can jump on the floor (01:03:22) and then he looks at me and he starts (01:03:24) jumping and I say he violated my (01:03:27) boundaries he doesn't he doesn't respect (01:03:28) my B he doesn't respect me we always (01:03:30) like Center ourselves right now if I (01:03:33) have a kid who I (01:03:34) know is kind of like a pushing the limit (01:03:37) kid not because they're bad because (01:03:38) that's how they're learning about their (01:03:39) world their temp temperament yeah their (01:03:41) personality this is not a boundary it's (01:03:43) not a boundary that's a request because (01:03:45) the success of what I said is dependent (01:03:48) on someone else when we make a request (01:03:50) of someone which we have to do we can't (01:03:52) always set a boundary right we have to (01:03:54) be in a relation reltionship with them (01:03:55) we have to understand they have the (01:03:56) right coping abilities we have to like (01:03:58) know that they mightet reest they might (01:04:01) decline they might decline probably not (01:04:03) because they don't respect me you know (01:04:05) like it's just for other reasons this is (01:04:07) a boundary and again this is where good (01:04:09) inside is anything but soft after he (01:04:11) doesn't listen hey sweetie it looks like (01:04:13) you're having a hard time getting down (01:04:14) off the couch I'm going to walk over to (01:04:15) you and if by the time I get there (01:04:17) you're not off I'm going to put my hands (01:04:18) around you I'm going to pick you up and (01:04:20) I put you on the floor and you can you (01:04:22) can jump over there that is a boundary (01:04:25) because and I can't even test it did I (01:04:26) tell my kid what I will do I did does it (01:04:29) require my kid to do nothing it does and (01:04:32) just to get real like when I do that (01:04:33) with my son he does not say to me like (01:04:37) thank you for your sturdy leadership (01:04:38) like he does not you get no praise no (01:04:41) zero I get a tantrum and on some level I (01:04:44) think again we wish as parents that when (01:04:45) we like have these amazing interventions (01:04:47) our kids are going to like clap it up I (01:04:48) love you Mommy thank you so much right (01:04:51) they're not we have to validate (01:04:52) ourselves hard for people definitely (01:04:54) hard for for women I know I'm doing my (01:04:56) role why is it hard for women to (01:04:58) validate themselves and not one (01:04:59) validation from their children well we (01:05:02) do want validation why is it hard why is (01:05:03) it hard for them to to I mean validate (01:05:06) themselves when they don't ever get (01:05:08) validation from their kids that's right (01:05:09) so I think women and many people so it's (01:05:12) not just women but let's just say (01:05:13) especially little girls we are taught in (01:05:18) families we TP by Society to gaze out (01:05:21) before we gaze in to me the essence of (01:05:24) confidence is like your ability to gaze (01:05:25) in before you gaze out like what is (01:05:27) going on for me at least what do I need (01:05:29) right but we are taught to gaze out and (01:05:30) we are Tau validation for the outside to (01:05:32) say like I can fill myself up outside in (01:05:36) who am I how do you look at me are you (01:05:38) happy with me are you telling me I'm (01:05:41) doing a good job am I making you happy (01:05:43) even just like classic and like I always (01:05:45) think about people I used I used to see (01:05:47) teens in my practice and be like does he (01:05:49) like me I want him to like me I hope he (01:05:51) likes me and was like what do you like (01:05:54) about this d by sounds like a douchebag (01:05:56) like what and they were like what and (01:05:57) literally I remember one being like what (01:06:00) do I like it was they didn't know (01:06:03) foreign question wow especially now I'm (01:06:06) brought up like what do I like I mean I (01:06:10) guess I like the things on Instagram (01:06:11) that got the most likes because they (01:06:12) told me those were that that's not what (01:06:14) you like that's not what you liked about (01:06:17) the picture the gazing out culture is (01:06:19) just massive now but especially women (01:06:21) and we don't realize that by the have (01:06:22) become (01:06:23) parents no one says I need my kids (01:06:25) approval everyone's like of course I (01:06:27) don't but we get sucked back into the (01:06:29) same circuits so when we set a boundary (01:06:31) in our kid protests unconsciously what (01:06:34) happens in our body is see I've done it (01:06:36) wrong and then we look I get the result (01:06:39) we look for our kids (01:06:40) approval we look for our right and we (01:06:43) say things like this don't you think (01:06:45) it's time to go to bed come on you've (01:06:46) been up so late it's like asking for uh (01:06:50) you know permission or approval from the (01:06:53) pil saying like don't you think we (01:06:54) should make an emergency landing like (01:06:56) right and you're like oh my God right (01:06:59) that's and then that's of course it (01:07:01) actually leads to kind of quote worse (01:07:02) behavior in kids not because kids are (01:07:05) trying to manipulate us at all imagine (01:07:07) being on the plane and hearing that from (01:07:08) your pilot there' be worse behavior from (01:07:10) pastors because they feel so much more (01:07:13) unsafe they feel out of control they (01:07:14) want to try to control some situation (01:07:17) yes (01:07:19) wow I'm like I have so many extra (01:07:21) questions I want to ask you but I'm we (01:07:23) didn't even get to number three okay (01:07:24) let's get the three let's get the three (01:07:26) because we don't have to ever get there (01:07:28) so we should so we shouldn't we (01:07:30) shouldn't punish so yes to me and is (01:07:33) there ever a time to punish I mean I I (01:07:35) really am not so rigid I try not to be (01:07:37) so rigid so is there but to me it's like (01:07:39) the question of should we punish to me (01:07:42) brings you back for another key (01:07:43) framework the same team framework and to (01:07:45) me again same thing at work same thing (01:07:47) in romantic relationships when you're (01:07:49) mad at someone or when you're in a (01:07:50) conflict or when you feel like someone (01:07:52) did something to you assuming it's a a (01:07:54) person that you want to be in a (01:07:56) relationship with if it's not this (01:07:58) doesn't apply if they're toxic but if (01:07:59) it's someone you're like in general we (01:08:01) have a good relationship there's two (01:08:02) ways approaching it one is and it's kind (01:08:05) of like how we're sitting it's me (01:08:06) against you and Lewis is the problem so (01:08:09) let's say like I arrived to your podcast (01:08:11) studio and you were like 30 minutes late (01:08:13) I'm like so pissed and I want to tell (01:08:15) you like how could you be late I flew in (01:08:17) for this podcast by the way I didn't (01:08:18) happen for I one okay but let's say it (01:08:19) did you did fly in but you didn't I'm (01:08:22) not I'm simulating the same thing like (01:08:24) so I could either talk to you like I'm (01:08:26) looking at you like you are the problem (01:08:28) and you know what that would sound like (01:08:29) that was so rude you know and it can't (01:08:32) happen again or we can talk to someone (01:08:35) like me and that person are sitting on (01:08:37) the same side of the table and together (01:08:40) we are looking at a problem and then (01:08:43) we'd say hey what what went on there and (01:08:45) by the way I know I'm coming back next (01:08:46) week and I just I'm sure together like (01:08:48) neither of us want this to happen did I (01:08:49) not understand the time let's just (01:08:51) figure this out so when you say when I (01:08:53) hear parents say when is time to punish (01:08:55) to me punishment is a me against you (01:08:57) framework I never want to punish someone (01:08:59) I like I just don't like them in that (01:09:00) moment like I've never had the thought I (01:09:02) never want to quote give someone a (01:09:04) consequence now that doesn't mean there (01:09:05) aren't boundaries I'm going to set but (01:09:07) when I hear that question it makes me (01:09:08) think about the mindset they're in and (01:09:10) so to me the answer is that mindset (01:09:12) isn't going to be effective for the goal (01:09:14) I think you're trying to achieve which (01:09:15) is change so we we only pull (01:09:18) interventions from the mindset bucket (01:09:20) we're in and so when I notice parents (01:09:22) speaking in a way that I really feel (01:09:24) like is in an unhelpful ineffective (01:09:26) mindset bucket I don't think what can we (01:09:29) do in that bucket I think we're in we're (01:09:31) in the wrong bucket let's get you do a (01:09:32) different one right right I'm happy to (01:09:35) walk through what we do instead because (01:09:36) it's not just like Kumbaya so let's say (01:09:39) it's like my kid jumping on the couch or (01:09:40) let's say something more egregious like (01:09:42) let's say they punched someone or they (01:09:43) they bullied someone or they whatever (01:09:45) something of the let's say they bullied (01:09:46) someone and I was like I really had (01:09:47) evidence that my kid was like going up (01:09:50) to this kid and they're like you're a (01:09:51) loser and nobody likes you I something (01:09:54) like that someone filmed it who knows (01:09:55) yeah exactly sure like I guess this (01:09:57) happened okay first I have to be like (01:09:59) how could this even be me and my kid (01:10:00) against a problem and some I think the (01:10:02) best way I do that if I'm realistic with (01:10:04) myself is just like we're all capable of (01:10:06) all the things and I'll be like what (01:10:08) would make me say something so mean to (01:10:09) someone not say what and I might be like (01:10:12) well maybe I felt really insecure maybe (01:10:14) I felt slighted by them maybe I've (01:10:16) developed this role in a group where I (01:10:17) feel like I have to be this like tough I (01:10:18) don't know but like I guess that could (01:10:20) happen yeah then if I punish my kid and (01:10:23) I'm like I can't believe you that it's (01:10:24) not within the values of our family and (01:10:26) like here's your punishment first of all (01:10:28) our kids respond to the version of (01:10:30) themselves we reflect back so I'm (01:10:32) mirroring back to my kid like you're a (01:10:34) bad kid wow and then I'm asking them to (01:10:36) have behavior that would come from (01:10:38) feeling like a good kid like you have to (01:10:40) feel good inside before you act good on (01:10:42) the outside come on come on come on now (01:10:44) right you do so again just (01:10:46) counterproductive you have to feel good (01:10:47) inside before you can act good on the (01:10:49) outside I know act good isn't like good (01:10:51) English but it just like no it is sounds (01:10:53) that's great um so if we feel bad inside (01:10:56) it's really hard to act good on the (01:10:58) outside that's right like they about (01:10:59) your boss always being like you're late (01:11:01) and you're the worst and you don't do (01:11:02) good presentations you come to work the (01:11:03) next being like I'm going to crush it (01:11:05) like you're you're Paralyzed by Because (01:11:07) by the way they're reflecting back who (01:11:09) you are if they're an important person (01:11:10) in your life right so what would I say (01:11:13) to my kid let me just be clear I'm not (01:11:14) saying I would never say oh that (01:11:17) probably was a hard day and there were (01:11:19) reasons why you did that yeah you (01:11:21) wouldn't validate the behavior I I I I (01:11:24) wouldn't end there and say now let's go (01:11:26) out to dinner okay I wouldn't like I (01:11:28) wouldn't be like you know cool here's (01:11:31) what I probably say I heard about what (01:11:33) happened at school let me just start (01:11:34) there something happened at school today (01:11:37) never ask a question to any human being (01:11:39) that you know the answer to because they (01:11:41) know it's not a question it's a (01:11:43) criticism veiled with a question mark (01:11:46) and that is infuriating so a question is (01:11:48) only a question when you don't know the (01:11:49) answer so I would never start that I (01:11:50) mean I would try not to I'd say I heard (01:11:52) what happened in school and I heard this (01:11:54) thing I saw this video and like look (01:11:56) before you go further and I would say (01:11:57) this you might push back you're a good (01:12:00) kid I like if I can't hold that I have a (01:12:03) good kid who did a bad thing why in heck (01:12:06) would my kid be able to do that W (01:12:10) because in order to reflect about bad (01:12:12) behavior and understand it and change (01:12:14) you have to hold on to good identity if (01:12:17) those two things are collapsed there's (01:12:19) no good centered self to do the (01:12:23) reflecting (01:12:24) about the behavior the bad behavior (01:12:26) became of a bad person you literally (01:12:28) can't learn if someone doesn't believe (01:12:30) they're a good person how do you build a (01:12:32) good identity well I think you have to (01:12:34) start by noticing all the ways you use (01:12:37) your behavior to Define who you are it's (01:12:41) what you did and it's very important (01:12:43) data to be like what's going on for me (01:12:46) what am I seeking what am I missing but (01:12:48) if you can't separate good identity (01:12:51) which does not justify bad behavior it (01:12:53) just creates a framework to understand (01:12:56) and change bad behavior you can't change (01:12:58) so I would I know you're a good kid and (01:13:01) like I know like that's not at least in (01:13:04) theory the way you want to talk to other (01:13:05) kids like I know that which lets me know (01:13:08) also like there's a whole situation (01:13:10) going on I don't know it's say about (01:13:11) that kid I don't know if you've had a (01:13:12) bad week I don't know if I'm just making (01:13:14) this up I don't know if you've noticed (01:13:16) um I've been saying some nasty words to (01:13:18) your dads in our arguments and you've (01:13:20) maybe you know been kind of stressed (01:13:21) about that and picked up on that right (01:13:23) like let's as they pick up on everything (01:13:25) or you know I don't know but I know (01:13:27) there's a reason and let me be (01:13:29) clear that doesn't mean it's okay and I (01:13:33) don't even think I've de say to because (01:13:34) I know you know it's not okay but we're (01:13:36) going to work together to actually (01:13:38) figure this out because I know you're (01:13:40) capable of being in a tricky situation (01:13:42) with a kid and acting in a way you're (01:13:45) proud of wow yeah that's what I would (01:13:47) say and then I would actually do it and (01:13:48) then I would what we miss out is I would (01:13:50) simulate it why would a kid say that (01:13:51) maybe this kid is a new kid let's say my (01:13:54) son was always best kid in basketball (01:13:56) and kind of head of the group and all of (01:13:58) a sudden this kid came in and he's a (01:14:00) star there were reasons why we do the (01:14:02) things we do it doesn't make them okay (01:14:03) but there are reasons so I might say (01:14:06) look we're going to do something and (01:14:07) then I would get a little like not harsh (01:14:09) but firm and if my son's like I don't (01:14:11) know can I just play fortnite I want to (01:14:13) do this i' right I'd be like I'm just (01:14:15) going to say this one time you literally (01:14:17) have to do through this with me before (01:14:18) you play fortnite like that's not a (01:14:20) threat my most important job is helping (01:14:24) in life and I know this is going to help (01:14:26) and so even if youly rise we will do (01:14:28) this that's your decision it's firm but (01:14:30) it's not mean it's place of help and (01:14:32) then I'd say we're going to do something (01:14:33) this is going to sound really weird (01:14:35) sweetie um we're going to go to the (01:14:37) basketball (01:14:38) court and I'm going to Heckle you I'm (01:14:42) going to say something me wow put them (01:14:44) through the experience sure isn't that (01:14:45) what we do yeah you need to sports like (01:14:48) and so prepare for these challenges (01:14:51) that's right and what i' say to him is I (01:14:52) don't expect you in that situation to go (01:14:54) like this we get these most unrealistic (01:14:57) I'm happy yeah exactly like and I want (01:15:00) you to say to this no but we might I (01:15:03) would prompt him and and what I want you (01:15:05) to do and I would get up is instead of (01:15:08) moving toward me when I say that you're (01:15:11) going to turn your body and you're going (01:15:13) to walk away because if you teach kids (01:15:15) when they're mad to give space they're (01:15:17) going to make they're going to literally (01:15:18) have more time to make better decisions (01:15:20) yes okay they're not going to react as (01:15:21) quickly and then if we want to get to (01:15:23) the heart of white kids say mean things (01:15:24) to bullies or something they're having a (01:15:26) hard time regulating something (01:15:27) themselves so I might give my kid a (01:15:28) mantra too when they're walking away (01:15:31) maybe and I always give Manas that stay (01:15:33) calm or yeah I got this or whatever (01:15:35) maybe even like write that or I'm (01:15:38) valuable even when I'm not the best (01:15:39) basketall player wow yeah just like (01:15:41) that's good get to the core and we're (01:15:43) going to practice that I'm make him (01:15:44) practice it with me I'm I'm so glad (01:15:47) you're saying this Dr Becky because I (01:15:49) truly believe life is beautiful and (01:15:52) wonderful and there's so much magic and (01:15:55) awe and so much to be grateful for (01:15:59) there's so much Beauty in the world and (01:16:00) I think life is an incredible gift but I (01:16:03) also know life is so tough and there's a (01:16:06) lot of tough moments tough situations (01:16:09) tough Seasons that we all go through (01:16:12) from childhood adolescence to adulthood (01:16:15) and it can feel daunting it can feel so (01:16:20) heavy so so much pressure so much so (01:16:24) much confusion at times that I truly (01:16:26) believe what you just said is the key to (01:16:29) living a beautiful life is putting (01:16:31) ourselves in the most uncomfortable (01:16:34) challenging scenarios and situations and (01:16:36) preparing for tough moments so that when (01:16:39) tough moments come they're not so tough (01:16:42) I truly believe that and I think a lot (01:16:44) of people if parents heard what you just (01:16:47) said right now and actually did (01:16:49) that it they would raise incredible (01:16:52) human beings (01:16:54) who are prepared for the sadness and the (01:16:56) suffering that happens in the world (01:16:59) frequently so that they could see things (01:17:02) as a gift and beautiful and not suffer (01:17:05) in the sadness and I think Sports gave (01:17:09) me that opportunity that gift you know (01:17:12) you hear about Navy Seals like they they (01:17:14) have a game plan but they prepare for (01:17:16) all the worst scenarios they don't just (01:17:18) say we're going to prepare for the best (01:17:19) that the the best outcome is going to (01:17:21) happen this is exactly what we're going (01:17:22) to plan for it's going to happen they (01:17:25) got a plan for it what if I lose my (01:17:26) weapon what if I'm trapped what if this (01:17:28) what if I'm upside down hanging and I (01:17:30) can't I'm unconscious how do I get out (01:17:32) of a situation calmly yeah or with (01:17:36) enough where I cannot freak out but I (01:17:38) can make a decision and act and I think (01:17:40) we've lost the ability most people have (01:17:43) lost the ability on how to handle (01:17:45) challenging (01:17:46) situations and play more of a victim (01:17:49) unfortunately than a Victor in their own (01:17:52) life and the way you just said right (01:17:54) there I hope parents listen to that and (01:17:57) try it with their kid it's probably the (01:17:58) worst thing to hear like I'm going to (01:18:00) take you to the basketball court and (01:18:01) Heckle you but coaches would create (01:18:04) scenarios where they would put (01:18:05) loudspeakers on the fields and be like (01:18:08) we're going to go into a tough uh Road (01:18:11) game and these fans are not going to be (01:18:13) cheering you on they're going to be (01:18:15) screaming at you booing at you throwing (01:18:17) stuff on the field calling you names (01:18:19) trying to get under your skin they're (01:18:21) going to punch you in bad play say (01:18:23) they're going to do bad things to you (01:18:26) and you can play victim and say ref and (01:18:28) all these people why are they doing this (01:18:29) to me or you can rise above it and be (01:18:31) prepared for it and it's doing it in the (01:18:34) loving context I think is what we need (01:18:36) to do not like just putting them down (01:18:38) and diminishing kids but like saying (01:18:40) this is what we're going to create I (01:18:41) love you but I want to create this (01:18:43) scenario for you yeah and I wouldn't (01:18:44) like to me the heckling like it's going (01:18:46) to be humorous cuz my be like my mom's (01:18:48) like saying random stuff she doesn't (01:18:49) even know how to you know but you know (01:18:51) someone and someone said this to me it's (01:18:53) not you know and I think it's so (01:18:54) powerful when I talk about a lot of (01:18:56) pilot metaphors and you're talking about (01:18:57) the Navy (01:18:58) Seals that in moments of challenge we (01:19:01) don't rise to the occasion we fall to (01:19:04) the level of our training yes and this (01:19:07) goes back to parents needing resources (01:19:11) so that in those moments of challenge (01:19:12) their level of training has you know (01:19:15) risen man I'm so excited about this you (01:19:17) know one of the reasons why I wanted to (01:19:19) have you on is because I want to be a (01:19:20) parent one day right I want to have kids (01:19:23) to be a parent I actually feel (01:19:25) like I'm at a season of life where I (01:19:27) feel like I've done enough healing work (01:19:29) for myself where I don't think I will (01:19:32) repeat certain patterns that my parents (01:19:34) unconsciously did (01:19:36) right and my parents did a lot of good (01:19:40) but there's also things that I'm like H (01:19:42) I don't know if that was the right way (01:19:43) to build identity in myself and my (01:19:45) siblings right they built great identity (01:19:48) in other ways but in other ways maybe it (01:19:49) was more challenging and I had to learn (01:19:51) how to unwind some of those things (01:19:54) integrate and heal maybe that inner (01:19:56) child that was still sad suffering or (01:19:59) insecure and so I'm trying to have as (01:20:02) many conversations to prepare myself not (01:20:04) to be the perfect parent because I don't (01:20:06) think there is a perfect parent but to (01:20:08) be the best potential parent that I can (01:20:10) be knowing I'm going to be flawed (01:20:13) knowing I'm going to make mistakes and (01:20:15) knowing I'm going to do something (01:20:17) probably that is going to hurt my child (01:20:19) at some point mhm but I think what you (01:20:22) talked about in the beginning having the (01:20:23) resources and the tools is the first (01:20:26) step for parents developing certain (01:20:28) skills and that might mean you have to (01:20:31) you know get your book and read it 10 (01:20:32) times until you start to pick up one or (01:20:35) two skills that you've never learned (01:20:36) before so I'm just really grateful that (01:20:39) you're here and I'm grateful that four (01:20:41) years ago you decided to put your (01:20:43) content online and bring this message to (01:20:46) the masses because I think parents I'm (01:20:49) not a parent but I think parents are (01:20:52) scared to raise bad kids and I think (01:20:55) parents feel insecure they don't feel (01:20:57) well equipped especially with social (01:20:59) media (01:21:00) and you know drugs in schools and (01:21:03) shootings in schools and just insecurity (01:21:05) all the different stuff that's happening (01:21:06) in schools that we don't have time to (01:21:08) get into today but I want people to get (01:21:10) your book good inside a Guide to (01:21:13) Becoming the parent you want to be and I (01:21:16) think a lot of people in general never (01:21:19) felt like they're a good person growing (01:21:21) up I speak for myself but I feel like (01:21:22) there's so many people that are craving (01:21:24) to feel good and so again I know that (01:21:28) you're a teacher for parents to help (01:21:30) their kids but really you're a teacher (01:21:32) for humans to heal and become better (01:21:35) leaders in their life so I want to (01:21:36) acknowledge you for the gift you bring (01:21:39) the consistency you bring to add value (01:21:42) to people with your content with your (01:21:44) book I know you have an app that also (01:21:47) helps parents learn these skills and (01:21:49) tools with a lot of different Ai and all (01:21:52) these different things you guys are (01:21:52) bringing into it so I want people to (01:21:54) follow you on social media your (01:21:56) Instagram is amazing I love it again I'm (01:21:58) not a parent but I love watching your (01:21:59) content because I feel like it's (01:22:00) relevant for becoming a better human (01:22:03) being and a better leader in your life (01:22:05) want people to get your book good inside (01:22:07) I think it's required reading for every (01:22:09) parents or want to be parents so get (01:22:11) good inside and um how else can we be of (01:22:14) support to you besides going to good (01:22:16) inside.com getting a book and uh (01:22:19) checking out your app I I mean to me (01:22:22) conversations like this are just (01:22:24) fantastic I appre I appreciate this (01:22:26) thank you for helping you know ideas get (01:22:28) spread because other people also help (01:22:30) spread them so I love like the (01:22:32) excitement you bring to these ideas and (01:22:33) this has been amazing so I have no I (01:22:35) have no asks I appreciate it I feel like (01:22:37) we we're gonna have to have you back on (01:22:39) at some point because I have so many (01:22:40) other questions I wanted to ask you um (01:22:43) but this has been really powerful even (01:22:45) just those three things you talked about (01:22:46) I'm so glad we're talking about this I (01:22:48) believe you tell me more it's really (01:22:51) powerful and that's also something you (01:22:52) could do in an intimate relationship you (01:22:55) know when you don't want to have (01:22:56) challenging conversations if you (01:22:57) actually did that with your partner man (01:22:59) you're going to feel a sense of peace (01:23:01) and relief on the other side because you (01:23:02) went through the challenging (01:23:04) conversation together as opposed to (01:23:05) avoiding it or being distracted or (01:23:08) whatever it might be uh and that's hard (01:23:10) when your attachment style is insecure (01:23:12) or avoidant so you've got to learn to (01:23:13) heal so you can have a more secure (01:23:15) attachment style in all your (01:23:17) relationships with intimacy and with (01:23:19) your (01:23:20) kids um so much to always learn um but (01:23:24) again we'll have to have you back on and (01:23:25) talk about more couple final questions (01:23:27) for you to finish the uh conversation (01:23:30) this is our rapid fire no I'm just (01:23:32) kidding just kidding should I do (01:23:34) push-ups get ready there's a question I (01:23:36) ask everyone at the end um it's called (01:23:38) the three truths so imagine you get to (01:23:41) live as long as you want to live Dr (01:23:43) Becky but it's your last day on Earth (01:23:45) many years (01:23:46) away and for whatever reason in this (01:23:48) hypothetical scenario you have to take (01:23:50) all of your content with you all of your (01:23:52) Instagram content whatever content you (01:23:54) create in the future your books this (01:23:56) interview is gone so no one has access (01:23:59) to anything you've ever put out in the (01:24:00) world but on the last day you get to (01:24:03) leave three things behind three things (01:24:05) you know to be true that you would leave (01:24:07) behind for us to have access to what (01:24:10) would be those three truths or three (01:24:11) lessons that you would share okay um I (01:24:14) have two so let's see how I get to the (01:24:16) third one is (01:24:18) that we are good inside and our good (01:24:22) identity is separate from any bad (01:24:27) behavior number two is it is never too (01:24:33) late and the single most important (01:24:36) relationship strategy in the world is (01:24:38) repair and three is that the only real (01:24:42) strategy you have with your kid is (01:24:45) connection well yeah we didn't even get (01:24:48) into how to repair which you talk about (01:24:50) in your book so that's another reason (01:24:51) for people to get your book kind to have (01:24:53) you back on to really dive into CL my (01:24:54) tent talk that's what it's about exactly (01:24:56) it's about really how to repair yes uh (01:24:58) when there's a breakdown or when there's (01:25:00) a an upset when there's when you scream (01:25:02) at your kid when you yell at them final (01:25:05) question what's your definition of (01:25:07) greatness I I think it's a combination (01:25:11) of (01:25:13) internal um accomplishment and external (01:25:17) impact so if I think about greatness I (01:25:19) think a lot about this concept or (01:25:21) feeling of being lit up inside (01:25:24) um it's how I feel talking to you and (01:25:25) talking about these ideas putting them (01:25:27) out there but I think greatness is when (01:25:29) you feel so Lit Up Inside by (01:25:32) something that it drives you and so much (01:25:35) that you can't contain it and so it kind (01:25:37) of explodes out of you with joy and (01:25:39) authenticity and belief so much that it (01:25:43) ends up igniting something that is in (01:25:45) someone else and lights them up and it (01:25:48) has this kind of generative (01:25:50) movement that's beautiful Dr thanks so (01:25:53) much appreciate youing much it's (01:25:55) important that we go back to the body (01:25:57) that's why when we do these talk (01:25:59) therapies they can be good for an extent (01:26:03) uh of the work that needs to be done (01:26:05) right but not necessarily for when we're (01:26:08) talking about Mayer trauma we're talking (01:26:10) about these traumas that have been there (01:26:12) for generations and that have these (01:26:14) imprint