@TheDrJohnDelonyShow on parenting, mental health, and prioritizing relationships in the digital age (YouTube Video Transcript)

(00:00:00) Your YouTube transcript will appear here (00:00:00) [Music] (00:00:04) gang we welcome to the show today the (00:00:06) second smartest person in his home and (00:00:09) the other Dr deloney despite that just (00:00:12) like a case of Rocket diarrhea he has (00:00:15) made his mark everywhere he's gone he (00:00:18) cut his childhood mullet but he's still (00:00:20) all party in the back the front and (00:00:23) everywhere in between he grew up near (00:00:25) Umble and he stayed humble through all (00:00:28) his success you see he's been called (00:00:31) doctor Provost author snake Hunter sky (00:00:34) diver dad and farmer he'll drive you to (00:00:37) Greatness but his friends don't trust (00:00:39) him behind the wheel of a car he shreds (00:00:41) excuses on his podcast guitars in his (00:00:44) spare time and his body on a Ruck Sheila (00:00:47) says he's a sweet tatted man who's (00:00:49) hooked on Sour Patch Kids he's Hank's (00:00:52) hero and I'm his second favorite Joey he (00:00:55) plays a less Paul and wants you to feel (00:00:57) less stalled in life he plays a Gibson (00:01:00) and loves to give some great advice he (00:01:03) plays a Jackson and he wants you to be (00:01:06) jacked son get your guns up because this (00:01:08) Red Raider is Back in Black this Red (00:01:11) Raider is Back in Black to take your (00:01:13) Blues Away he's the Eddie Van Halen of (00:01:16) riding the CC DeVille of podcasting and (00:01:18) he's our guest today please welcome to (00:01:20) the RO podcast Dr John dud I am moving (00:01:24) out of my house my wife sold me out (00:01:28) man I gotta say you your friend your (00:01:31) friend Sam may have sold you out just a (00:01:33) little bit here me and Sam are breaking (00:01:34) up that's it man that's my favorite (00:01:37) intro of all time well done dude the (00:01:40) fact that you said c DeVille that's a (00:01:42) deep cut right there and Sour Patch Kids (00:01:45) I thought you might like huge I thought (00:01:46) the SAR Patch Kids I thought the CC (00:01:48) DeVille now the one thing you may not (00:01:51) have re you (00:01:52) may you may have just immediately (00:01:55) dismissed the fact that people around (00:01:57) you say you're not a great driver but (00:01:59) you you kind of ref think corber my wife (00:02:03) has uh that's what I (00:02:05) hear this is months ago but we're doing (00:02:08) something and we're oh we're talking (00:02:10) about our will and every year we go (00:02:12) through our will and and just the state (00:02:14) of things make sure we're on the same (00:02:15) page here's where all the stuff is and (00:02:18) and somehow it came up our death and (00:02:20) she's like oh no no you're I already (00:02:22) know you'll you'll you're G to die in a (00:02:24) car rack and I was like what and she (00:02:27) goes I said what are you talking about (00:02:29) she goes oh there's a 100% chance that's (00:02:31) how you die and I was like man if if (00:02:33) that I hope they I hope somebody does a (00:02:35) podcast and figures out it's you that (00:02:37) cut my Brak lines or something if you're (00:02:38) that confident and she's like no no no (00:02:40) you're you are the worst driver who's (00:02:43) ever existed and I I reject that (00:02:46) wholeheartedly listen Joey I'm (00:02:48) incredible behind the wheel I believe (00:02:51) that well if if nothing else you're (00:02:53) decisive that's what I like about and if (00:02:54) you're decisively driving through a red (00:02:56) light like who's going to question don't (00:02:58) pay attention very much I've got a (00:02:59) friend that said said I'll be walking by (00:03:01) you and go hey delone and you won't (00:03:03) answer me and I don't even get my (00:03:04) feelings hurt because I know you're not (00:03:06) with us right now and he said it he was (00:03:09) like I was like do you all he's like (00:03:11) yeah man it's just just kind of making (00:03:13) your way through the world dude so it's (00:03:15) all yeah I'm I'm not amazing great I (00:03:18) like that all right so I I gotta ask (00:03:20) this is one thing and I've gone down a (00:03:22) deloney wormhole like a deep deloney (00:03:25) Wormhole I what I want to know is you (00:03:28) again this is like the what overnight (00:03:30) success decades in the making type of (00:03:31) thing but bro the last few years you (00:03:34) have exploded and I this this (00:03:37) is I don't I'm going to ask this in a (00:03:39) way where it doesn't like bring on you (00:03:41) feeling the need to be humble about it (00:03:43) but like how did this happen how over (00:03:44) the last four years have you have like (00:03:46) have you like exploded just like rocket (00:03:49) diarrhea how have you but a good kind of (00:03:51) Rocket diarrhea like a fragrant like a (00:03:53) good smelling one like how have you (00:03:55) exploded on the scene like that by the (00:03:56) way hear rocket diarrhe is your term (00:03:58) that's yeah I do use it too frequently (00:04:01) um it's just pretty descriptive (00:04:05) right that's an awkward question I know (00:04:07) this is ank all I'm trying to think of (00:04:09) the right way to do it here here's the (00:04:10) honest truth the reason I I pause is (00:04:13) because I understand how insane it is to (00:04:17) be that I'm sitting here no question (00:04:18) about it and I also know people work so (00:04:23) hard day in day out 247 365 putting in (00:04:27) the work and the time and the time and (00:04:28) the time and the time to try to (00:04:30) have a platform like this I totally get (00:04:32) that yeah um but it would be dishonest (00:04:35) for me to tell it in any other way which (00:04:37) is I had no social media I had I I (00:04:41) disappeared from the internet in fact um (00:04:43) two universities ago I had uh the dean (00:04:46) called me in and she was like Hey I look (00:04:48) like I don't have AA students here you (00:04:50) have to be on the website that says I (00:04:52) have AA students and I was like I don't (00:04:53) want to and she's like I don't care what (00:04:54) you want you have to so I just tried to (00:04:57) avoid everything um anytime I would meet (00:04:59) with some body everybody they turn their (00:05:01) phone off I was just real I I wanted to (00:05:02) be present with people period And I (00:05:05) didn't want to it exist on the internet (00:05:07) and um I was given a uh Speech and this (00:05:10) isn't hyperbole this isn't like oh I (00:05:12) mean kind my marriage was a mess I had a (00:05:16) talk to give in front of a thousand (00:05:17) parents and students um and I forgot (00:05:20) about it and they reminded me a few (00:05:22) hours before like they don't forget at 2 (00:05:23) o'clock my admin did and I was like what (00:05:25) I have a what and I thought it was going (00:05:27) to be in front of a couple of hundred (00:05:28) and ended up being a thousand people (00:05:30) this theater and um I gave probably was (00:05:33) the best speech in my life and it just (00:05:34) so happened that Dave Ramsey's executive (00:05:37) VP was in the audience dropping her (00:05:38) daughter off at the University I was (00:05:40) working at and she said point it up she (00:05:43) said I'm hiring that guy and um then (00:05:46) they didn't I mean Dave Ramsey's like (00:05:47) about finances and getting out of debt (00:05:49) and they didn't have anything to do with (00:05:51) mental health or emotional health (00:05:52) relationships or anything but she um (00:05:56) then once I met the team they're like uh (00:05:58) you just say things in a weird you (00:06:00) unique way and um and then my wife said (00:06:02) something really (00:06:03) prophetic um and we were deciding with (00:06:05) her to do this because she knew that I (00:06:07) don't like technology I don't like being (00:06:09) um I don't like the internets and I'm (00:06:12) better in person and she said the only (00:06:14) way this works is if you're fully you (00:06:17) and I was I said oh that's that'll be (00:06:19) easy and she goes no no no no no it (00:06:21) won't um if you build an avatar if you (00:06:24) build this Persona eventually that will (00:06:27) come to light and this whole thing will (00:06:29) crash and so you got to be who you are (00:06:31) out the gate and she said and you're (00:06:33) really weird she's like and I was like (00:06:37) and I was like I I mean she and and we (00:06:39) both like I don't see cognitive (00:06:42) dissonance in driving a Prius and deer (00:06:44) on my way to a deer hunt right I don't I (00:06:46) don't know why that's a weird thing I (00:06:49) don't know why people care about their (00:06:50) shoes I don't understand that I I I care (00:06:52) about my shoes but like but get a Mark I (00:06:54) don't understand that I don't understand (00:06:56) why anybody would play a fender it just (00:06:58) doesn't make sense play Gibson for God (00:07:02) sake but so um and I also have spent my (00:07:07) whole career working with people in the (00:07:09) margins and I don't believe I believe in (00:07:13) uh being fiscally conservative and like (00:07:16) don't spend money you don't have it's (00:07:18) just all these things that are like like (00:07:20) are common sense to me in a in in a pot (00:07:24) makes me weird and so I think that that (00:07:26) what has worked over the last four years (00:07:29) is (00:07:30) a big tall guy with a bunch of tattoos (00:07:32) who's got a couple of phds but more more (00:07:35) than all that nonsense is I really love (00:07:37) people and I've been working with (00:07:38) hurting people and that I think that (00:07:40) Rings (00:07:43) true that that speech you gave was it do (00:07:46) you believe it was the content or was it (00:07:48) kind of the I mean you have you have (00:07:49) this infectious energy and it's you know (00:07:51) it's what people talk about what people (00:07:52) love about you well probably there are (00:07:53) some people who probably they don't like (00:07:55) about you because it's just you know (00:07:56) there are some people I don't know who (00:07:58) they are they probably exist Maybe (00:08:00) probably not but no but but it's that (00:08:02) energy that it's it is so magnetic and (00:08:04) some people can't you know in some ways (00:08:06) they can't handle that kind of (00:08:07) decisiveness and confidence but but was (00:08:09) it the energy was it the content was it (00:08:11) a little mixture of both what was it (00:08:12) that resonated so deeply with with uh (00:08:14) Ramsey well it's it's going to sound (00:08:16) strange it was the first time um I felt (00:08:19) not the first time that's not true um I (00:08:22) I think I got up there and told the (00:08:23) truth and I told a room full of parents (00:08:25) dropping their kids off if you do not (00:08:27) let your kids grow up you are are going (00:08:30) to be hurting them for the for the Long (00:08:32) Haul so um and and and of course this is (00:08:37) interwoven with a bunch of diarrhea (00:08:38) jokes but um you have to let your kids (00:08:40) grow up and hey kids don't tweet things (00:08:44) and don't get tattoos yet get a bunch of (00:08:46) them just wait till you're 25 like right (00:08:47) so I think it was me telling the truth (00:08:50) and in a way that people could hear it (00:08:53) and um I just don't wait into (00:08:56) controversial stuff because I just don't (00:08:57) think there's that much controversial (00:08:58) stuff I think you treat people right and (00:09:00) you love people and you help your (00:09:01) neighbor and let's get on with our lives (00:09:03) it it's too messy out there wow and I (00:09:06) just don't have time for it (00:09:08) man it's just a weird feedback don't (00:09:10) wait in have (00:09:13) time I I'm I'm curious when you said (00:09:15) would you tell me a little bit more when (00:09:16) you said you you've been working with (00:09:17) people in the margins we explain what (00:09:19) what what that means people in the mar (00:09:21) yeah I mean like in working in the (00:09:22) University um as ad DEA students for all (00:09:24) these years you're working with folks (00:09:27) who are trying to harm themselves who (00:09:30) have learning disabilities who are who (00:09:35) um are the gay lesbian kids whose (00:09:38) parents said if you come home you can't (00:09:39) never come to our house again to the (00:09:42) kids who are the like the wrong race in (00:09:45) the wrong community in the wrong (00:09:46) neighborhood who show up at your (00:09:47) University like I don't belong here um (00:09:50) and kids who are too smart or who aren't (00:09:53) smart enough or have learning (00:09:54) exceptionalities or any number of (00:09:57) special needs so it's always been K or (00:09:59) this kid that man it's a good kid good (00:10:01) kid and dude you can't sell weed here (00:10:04) man you're gonna go to jail and I love (00:10:06) you and here's what's I'm gonna walk (00:10:08) through this with you and I'll be here (00:10:09) when you get back but this is what's (00:10:11) going to happen or the sexual assault (00:10:13) victim so it's always been people who (00:10:15) everybody's just going about their day (00:10:16) about their day about their day and you (00:10:18) don't realize oh my neighbor in my class (00:10:21) is going through this and my neighbor in (00:10:22) my class next to me that the kid sitting (00:10:25) next to me in (00:10:26) algebra (00:10:28) um I you have no idea what they're going (00:10:31) through and so that's just been my whole (00:10:32) career and um yeah it just if everybody (00:10:36) knew if we could turn the lights off in (00:10:38) a classroom or in our office spaces or (00:10:40) in our churches or wherever we turn the (00:10:41) lights off and asked a few questions (00:10:43) like who's hurting who's been exposed to (00:10:47) abuse who's who's experienced some of (00:10:48) these things and then you flip the (00:10:49) lights on everyone's hand would be up I (00:10:51) think everyone would exhale and then (00:10:53) they could stop performing (00:10:55) right and that's why social media is so (00:10:57) evil it's because it's it's all it is is (00:10:59) a performance it's just a it's just a (00:11:01) performance yes yeah and and the fact (00:11:05) that your wife that that Sheila gave you (00:11:06) that advice like just as long as (00:11:08) yourself like how can you how how could (00:11:10) you possibly encourage somebody else to (00:11:13) stop performing if you yourself are (00:11:14) performing in in an effort to but here's (00:11:16) but hold on here's the other side of (00:11:17) that and I don't I don't want to miss (00:11:19) this the other side of it is here was (00:11:22) the the other shoe that she that she so (00:11:24) wisely put out there to to drop if this (00:11:28) doesn't work (00:11:30) and you end up going back to work at the (00:11:32) University we're our family's not going (00:11:34) to starve we're going to be okay but (00:11:36) you're going to have to go to bed at (00:11:37) night knowing they didn't like (00:11:40) you and she said I do and I always will (00:11:44) your kids do your friends you've had the (00:11:45) same friends for 40 years like your (00:11:47) friends love you but you're going to (00:11:49) have to know at large and the word she (00:11:53) she's like America didn't like you they (00:11:54) didn't like they didn't think your jokes (00:11:56) were funny they didn't think your (00:11:57) insights were good they didn't like the (00:11:58) way you communicated and you got to be (00:12:00) okay with that and that was the that was (00:12:02) the is this gonna bury me and the beauty (00:12:05) is if I had done this when I was 30 (00:12:06) years old dude I would have been really (00:12:08) attached to that outcome at 40 I (00:12:11) whatever I don't care so which which (00:12:14) allows you to hold it really Loosely and (00:12:15) just help the person in front of you (00:12:16) without worrying about how does this fit (00:12:18) my brand but I don't know man right I (00:12:20) just know that guy's hurting let's show (00:12:21) up and see if we can um help shine a (00:12:24) light (00:12:24) somewhere does it really not bother I (00:12:27) mean that whole I mean I have you know (00:12:28) like a lot of people I do have this like (00:12:30) the idea of of being loved and liked and (00:12:32) think I'm funny like that is that is a (00:12:34) big thing and I feel like in this (00:12:35) process I've grown a little bit more (00:12:37) detached from like the comments don't (00:12:39) bother you the the random ones but but (00:12:40) there's still that in you do you do you (00:12:42) naturally need kind of that you know the (00:12:45) approval like I'm describing that I need (00:12:46) approval from I do and it's it's hard um (00:12:50) because I I struggle with that I I I've (00:12:53) had body dismorphia issues my whole life (00:12:54) I I I struggle with with image um but I (00:12:58) need it from people I care (00:13:00) like Sam who runs PR after I get done (00:13:02) with something she'll look at me and say (00:13:03) you did a great job on that that's (00:13:04) important to me um or if she says you (00:13:07) didn't do a good job I that that doesn't (00:13:09) hurt me or bury me because then she's (00:13:10) great about feedback so with loved ones (00:13:13) um when my when my wife and I sat across (00:13:15) the table from each other I'll never (00:13:16) forget this um and we're deciding are we (00:13:19) going to stay married or not like let's (00:13:21) just be adults we're not going to be (00:13:22) babies and wine and kick and scream like (00:13:23) are we going to keep doing this because (00:13:25) this can't continue the way it is and we (00:13:27) both opted in yes we're in and this (00:13:30) means we have to build something new (00:13:31) from Ash from the ground up one of the (00:13:34) things I said as something I need to be (00:13:37) true moving forward and dude I was so (00:13:39) embarrassed to say this out (00:13:41) loud but I said I I've been chasing one (00:13:44) thing for 20 years I've known you will (00:13:46) you just say you're proud of me like I (00:13:49) work hard I work all night I work three (00:13:51) jobs I'm doing this and this you just (00:13:54) and she's like man I had no idea I never (00:13:56) wanted to Pand her to right so yeah I (00:13:58) chase it I do but dude I don't uh is I (00:14:01) think it's Chris Williamson I I don't I (00:14:03) don't really take a lot of critiques (00:14:06) from people whose lives I don't want I (00:14:08) don't want if I don't want your life (00:14:10) then yeah um yeah feel free to say what (00:14:13) you're gonna say I I don't like I don't (00:14:15) like uh I I do like when like Lane (00:14:17) Norton would call me and be like hey uh (00:14:18) you said something your science is way (00:14:20) off and but he's a close friend and he's (00:14:23) he has permission right yeah um but yes (00:14:26) I don't I that bothers me because I want (00:14:28) to make sure I'm I'm I'm right but (00:14:30) no I don't (00:14:31) care you it's it's interesting they they (00:14:33) talk about in like in product design (00:14:36) like you're in a company when you have (00:14:38) something when you segment your (00:14:39) customers and you ask them how how would (00:14:40) you feel if you could no longer use this (00:14:42) product and it's the answers are very (00:14:45) disappointed somewhat disappointed not (00:14:47) disappointed and so what conventional (00:14:50) wisdom would say is you would listen (00:14:52) most to the people who would say I would (00:14:53) not be disappointed if I could no longer (00:14:55) use this product and it's a double (00:14:56) negative because You' think like ohy how (00:14:58) can we get those people who don't like (00:14:59) it at all how can we get them to like it (00:15:01) what they say is you completely discard (00:15:03) that group's feedback and you never (00:15:04) listen to a single thing they said all (00:15:07) you listen to is the people who say they (00:15:08) would be very disappointed without your (00:15:09) product and then you double down on what (00:15:11) they say you're doing well and then you (00:15:13) double down and then the other side of (00:15:15) it you double down on things they say (00:15:16) you can improve on they love you anyway (00:15:18) with the whole goal of the people in the (00:15:19) middle that's your Green Field how can (00:15:21) you get people a little bit closer to (00:15:22) that which that has been a like to me (00:15:24) that was a freeing thought to say okay (00:15:26) you can dismiss the people who just (00:15:28) don't get it and that's totally fine (00:15:30) right and I think that's exactly what (00:15:31) you're saying if we could walk through (00:15:32) that mentality in our personal lives (00:15:34) like how powerful that be the info isn't (00:15:36) mine I didn't I you know yeah I'm (00:15:39) borrowing heavily from Terry reel and (00:15:42) from Estep Perell and from ROM May from (00:15:45) some of these brilliant thinkers right (00:15:47) and if you can't hear it from me my God (00:15:49) that's that's great that's okay but get (00:15:51) it from somebody right and if you want (00:15:52) some more some more scientific Nuance (00:15:55) than dude a a Stanford Medical School (00:15:58) Professor just cranked out a black sheet (00:16:00) in his kitchen and start right you you (00:16:02) can get that and if you want somebody (00:16:04) who is a mom Becky Kennedy's a amazing (00:16:08) at with her information right and if you (00:16:10) want a guy just because you need a older (00:16:12) brother just to shoot you straight I'm (00:16:14) probably your guy and so I think the (00:16:16) beauty is I don't I don't feel like I (00:16:17) have to own it all I'm um I want people (00:16:20) to have better lives and if they get it (00:16:21) from me great if they don't man what (00:16:23) else can I do about that right I'm (00:16:26) chasing Ghost and the in the place where (00:16:29) you are are we're are doing it and it's (00:16:31) just it's so brilliant it's like a did (00:16:34) you ever listen to Dr Dr Laura old Dr (00:16:36) Phil yeah yeah back in the day oh Dr lur (00:16:39) was the the call-in show your your show (00:16:42) the Dr John deloney show the Dr deloney (00:16:43) show is it reminds me a lot of that (00:16:46) because Dr Laura was so she had seen it (00:16:47) all so much when she would hear (00:16:49) something she would be able to very (00:16:51) quickly like understand like I don't (00:16:52) need all theous details like I (00:16:54) understand the heart of the matter and (00:16:55) let me let me tell you a truth here and (00:16:58) you do such a bril I job of that and and (00:17:00) the podcast is top 05 podcast in the (00:17:04) world you have a million people (00:17:06) following you on Instagram I mean it (00:17:08) really is this and it's because of what (00:17:10) you said it's because you're speaking (00:17:11) very truthfully and and I'm I'm curious (00:17:14) in your experience prior to that and (00:17:16) then your experience here you mentioned (00:17:18) a bunch of people marginalized people a (00:17:20) bunch of people who are going through (00:17:21) stuff earlier and all the people who are (00:17:23) kind of in the margins did you find with (00:17:26) those people and do you find with people (00:17:28) who call in is there a thing like what's (00:17:31) at the heart you believe and it may not (00:17:33) just be one thing but what's at the (00:17:35) heart of the thing that all of those (00:17:37) people who are feeling marginalized or (00:17:38) feeling down or feeling low or calling (00:17:40) in for help what is at the heart of what (00:17:42) those people are are asking you for (00:17:44) what's your such a great question man (00:17:49) um I think there's two answers to that I (00:17:52) think at the (00:17:58) heart I'll say it this way back when I (00:18:00) was 21 years old I was a high school (00:18:02) basketball coach in Houston it's one of (00:18:04) my favorite jobs I've ever had they gave (00:18:06) me a a bus and 15 sophomores in high (00:18:11) school and then it went on to the (00:18:12) Freshman B team and dude we traveled the (00:18:14) city just steamrolling people it was so (00:18:17) great these athletes were amazing but (00:18:19) they they were (00:18:21) hilarious and um super super super (00:18:26) diverse (00:18:27) school and I remember I had been brought (00:18:29) up with this idea of color blindness (00:18:31) back in the 80s and in early 90s and I (00:18:36) remember after like just living like we (00:18:39) just we we all live together we live (00:18:41) together you breathe together you do (00:18:42) everything together you're with each (00:18:43) other before school during school after (00:18:44) school you're traveling you got weekends (00:18:46) and I realized the most insulting thing (00:18:49) I could tell them is I don't see you for (00:18:51) who you are and I don't see that you've (00:18:55) got hard stuff going on in your life and (00:18:58) so to answer your question full circle (00:19:00) if if I had a law student once who was (00:19:03) blind and um I was trying to explain (00:19:06) some things and I said hey do you mind (00:19:08) if I share with with the rest of the (00:19:10) group um your disability which is a (00:19:12) legal question I'm asking and she looked (00:19:15) at me or she looked up at me she she (00:19:17) couldn't see me she looked up at me and (00:19:18) goes yeah oh do you think they don't (00:19:20) know that I'm blind and she started (00:19:22) dying laughing and I was like oh man my (00:19:25) bad so I I think number one when people (00:19:27) call in and everyone of worked with they (00:19:30) know whatever the thing is they know and (00:19:34) the whole world dances around it and if (00:19:37) I can let you know no I see you I see (00:19:40) you I see that your husband's going to (00:19:42) be not with not alive anymore and (00:19:45) because he's got a cancer diagnosis am I (00:19:46) gonna dance around it um and I'll ask (00:19:49) hey can I speak direct is that okay but (00:19:52) man they if (00:19:53) if if if you're on the margin you know (00:19:56) you know nobody's tricking you and it's (00:19:58) when we don't people we Pat them on the (00:20:00) head we say hey we're just not going to (00:20:02) say it because it sounds scary um it's (00:20:04) you that scared not them they deal with (00:20:06) us every single day um the second thing (00:20:09) is um wow I think people are calling (00:20:12) with this scary terrifying question of (00:20:15) uh what do I do now that question I (00:20:19) think has been the most thread through (00:20:21) question through everyone I've ever sat (00:20:23) with lost somebody lost a loved one lost (00:20:26) a kid to Suicide I've had to make that (00:20:27) call too too many times (00:20:29) um that to call on a parent tell them (00:20:31) that their kids passed away um kid who (00:20:33) said hey you can't come home for (00:20:35) Thanksgiving anymore you can't you're (00:20:36) not welcome this home for Christmas like (00:20:38) the question always ends up what are you (00:20:40) gonna do now and I think everybody sits (00:20:43) in that question and now we're so (00:20:45) inundated with opinions and you should (00:20:47) do this I can't believe you didn't do (00:20:49) that and oh my gosh you should and (00:20:51) people are just saying I don't have (00:20:52) anyone to trust when I first kicked the (00:20:54) show off um people would call me and (00:20:57) call it I kept asking the same question (00:20:59) just instinctively why are you calling (00:21:01) me man call your friend like they like (00:21:04) hey you know we haven't like we haven't (00:21:06) had sex for two years and I don't know (00:21:08) I'd be like bro I'm a podcaster in (00:21:10) Nashville ask your friends man and uh or (00:21:15) my husband got cancer and I don't know (00:21:16) how to tell the kids what do how do I do (00:21:18) this and every person had the same (00:21:21) answer dude I got (00:21:24) nobody and that was this scary like oh (00:21:28) people are super lonely out there and um (00:21:31) that's just been reiterated but it's (00:21:32) this idea of what are we going to do (00:21:34) what what do I do now and I think that's (00:21:35) that's the question most people are (00:21:37) asking wow that whole issue of (00:21:40) loneliness I had um Woman by the name of (00:21:43) Liz bohannan who's a speaker great she's (00:21:46) a great speaker and she she said a staff (00:21:48) that if you see a good friend three (00:21:50) times a week that you're happy the (00:21:53) happiness increase you experience is (00:21:55) equivalent to an annual salary raise of (00:21:58) $100,000 great stat isn't that wow yeah (00:22:01) isn't that great three times a week a (00:22:02) good friend three times a week but like (00:22:04) we're all my wife and I were (00:22:05) volunteering at um when we live in (00:22:06) Atlanta we were volunteering at church (00:22:08) and we were working the front desk and (00:22:10) then someone came in like the little (00:22:11) prayer request box and someone dropped (00:22:13) in and it was open and it said something (00:22:15) very nicel looking you know probably (00:22:17) college girl she walked away and saw it (00:22:19) and it said I am so beyond lonely I feel (00:22:22) like there's no one here like I'm all (00:22:24) alone and I just looked at that that (00:22:25) girl and then I thought I bet you and (00:22:28) what's sad about that is is she probably (00:22:30) sat next to somebody who could have (00:22:32) written the same exact letter the same (00:22:34) exact card yet and if you said okay (00:22:37) let's all stand up and I bet you it been (00:22:39) over half the audience yet we're all (00:22:41) we're all walking around it's like this (00:22:43) certain level of Despair and by the fact (00:22:45) in a the scary thing you don't want to (00:22:47) say it's it's to your point there is we (00:22:49) just start getting that getting that (00:22:51) oxygen that idea a little bit of oxygen (00:22:53) I'd be I bet you that people when they (00:22:55) walk away from your show they feel okay (00:22:56) I feel empowered because I just gave it (00:22:57) a little bit of oxygen and now I can go (00:22:59) and now now I can go do the next best (00:23:01) thing I can do my next thing well that (00:23:03) that if if there is one we could pull (00:23:06) apart culture wars which I'm so (00:23:08) uninterested in and we could pull apart (00:23:11) can you believe this group says this and (00:23:12) that group says that it's just such a (00:23:14) waste of our time Underneath It All I (00:23:17) think is important and it is this is (00:23:20) both political parties it's a mass (00:23:23) cultural culture of (00:23:26) disempowerment you are the worst thing (00:23:28) that ever happen to you I just got to (00:23:30) Pat you on the head because you're (00:23:31) always you're always going to be in the (00:23:33) margin you're never going to be able to (00:23:35) make enough money because of this or (00:23:36) this or that you're never going to (00:23:39) because the housing market is too crazy (00:23:40) you're always going to be less than so (00:23:42) let you just wait right there and I'll (00:23:43) come I'll come save you and wow I I just (00:23:47) reject that because I've worked with (00:23:49) people who have overcome such insane (00:23:51) odds wild odd and (00:23:56) um I just can't be about it anymore and (00:23:59) so I do think you can it's it's going to (00:24:01) look different than your parents it's (00:24:02) going to look different than the fantasy (00:24:04) you got on Instagram it's going to look (00:24:05) different than this than this incredible (00:24:07) life picture you you created for (00:24:09) yourself in your mind you might not be (00:24:11) able to be a book editor at a hipster (00:24:14) place in Manhattan because the math (00:24:16) doesn't (00:24:17) work um right but I bet you can find a (00:24:21) place that you can call home and a job (00:24:23) that will give you purpose and you can (00:24:25) add meaning to to people's lives I know (00:24:27) that's there and I believe V you let's (00:24:30) go there let's go for empowerment not um (00:24:33) YOLO and you deserve and um it's because (00:24:37) of them that you're unhappy because I'm (00:24:39) just gonna stop all that just doesn't (00:24:40) help doesn't help yeah that's so true (00:24:44) the one cool thing that strikes me is (00:24:45) that you're you're the one thing that (00:24:47) you're people are craving from you and (00:24:49) that you give to them is what you just (00:24:51) said is that I see you just I see you I (00:24:53) see you I see and what a cool you have (00:24:55) millions of people who listen to you but (00:24:59) you step out of there and you're one (00:25:00) individual who goes into Starbucks and (00:25:03) you're an individual who is driving on (00:25:05) the road and you you can we all have (00:25:07) that opportunity to say that exact same (00:25:09) message I'm speaking to myself here too (00:25:11) just the reminder that just to sayy I (00:25:13) see you and what what a beautiful thing (00:25:15) I mean if you remember like in the in (00:25:17) the story of um gosh Abraham and Sarah (00:25:20) when um the uh forget the the concubines (00:25:23) name left and then she ran away and then (00:25:26) God encountered her and God talked to (00:25:29) her and what she said was she said and (00:25:30) this is one of our earliest I mean this (00:25:31) is Genesis this is early early and she (00:25:33) said you are the God who sees me and so (00:25:36) you think how deep in inate is that need (00:25:40) that the thing she said when she (00:25:41) encountered the almighty was you see me (00:25:44) it's it's the only powerful that you you (00:25:47) this is going to sound woo woo and (00:25:48) cheesy and obnoxious and people are (00:25:50) going to think that dude's from Texas (00:25:51) yes and I'm telling you next time you go (00:25:53) to an airport or next time you walk into (00:25:55) a coffee shop I want you to look at at (00:25:59) every single person that you see and (00:26:01) think in your head I love that guy I (00:26:05) love her wow I did it the other day at (00:26:07) an airport walking from one I turned (00:26:09) into the terminal I was walking all the (00:26:10) way down to my gate and it's like (00:26:12) terminal's like you know gate five and (00:26:14) you're you're gate is gate 47 like well (00:26:16) I'm gonna be walking uh for the next (00:26:19) four weeks and I just (00:26:24) started hopefully not creepily um but (00:26:28) every person I saw the elderly woman (00:26:30) with the Walker I love that woman that (00:26:32) Dad who's walking who's got a humongous (00:26:34) belly and a mustache and he's eating a (00:26:36) Whopper with cheat like I love that guy (00:26:38) and listen I tried to do it with every (00:26:40) person and by the time I got to my gate (00:26:43) I was so exhausted I was tired but I (00:26:45) realized my whole life is just a blur of (00:26:48) people going by and me staying in my own (00:26:51) little cocoon and when that exercise I (00:26:54) had to see people and um that was a (00:26:57) worthy Endeavor man exhausting and I got (00:26:59) to work up stamina but it was eye (00:27:01) opening for me but but again just (00:27:03) working to see people and people thing I (00:27:05) love about Jesus when he shows (00:27:07) up yeah it's never issue first it's safe (00:27:11) first it's I see you first it's hey you (00:27:14) give me a cup of water I'm gonna give (00:27:15) you a purpose and then I'm going to tell (00:27:17) you I know you I know you and then at (00:27:20) the very end I'm gonna say hey there's (00:27:23) another way to do life if you're (00:27:24) interested it's not the hey when you get (00:27:26) your crap together come let me come talk (00:27:28) to me that's not how it works it's no (00:27:31) I'm going to get in front of you between (00:27:32) all these dudes here are trying to kill (00:27:33) you and then I'm going tell you I love (00:27:35) you and then I'm going tell you you got (00:27:37) no you got no score on the board for me (00:27:40) and hey didn't have to be like this I'm (00:27:43) gonna do it in that order (00:27:45) right what's so cool about I don't know (00:27:47) if you intentionally did this but what (00:27:49) Brilliance in there because the two (00:27:51) things you said on your show is you say (00:27:53) I see you first and then here's your (00:27:55) next step that's ex has to be in that (00:27:56) order it has to be in that order yeah in (00:27:58) that CU politicians come at us and start (00:28:01) yelling you all need to do this and you (00:28:03) know what we do our walls come up that (00:28:05) have been there since we were four years (00:28:06) old that are innate that have kept our (00:28:08) human species alive and I don't hear a (00:28:10) word you say because I have to defend (00:28:12) myself versus now I see you man I know (00:28:15) you're struggling I know it hurts I (00:28:17) think we can do this different and like (00:28:19) all right you got my attention (00:28:22) yeah I was I'll share a quick story this (00:28:24) was probably six years ago I was walking (00:28:27) through the Atlanta hearts Field Airport (00:28:29) you know busy airport obviously and I (00:28:30) was kind of Meandering I was taking my (00:28:31) time which I'm I'm a very orderly Walker (00:28:34) generally but I must have been kind of (00:28:36) I'm I must have been I must have been (00:28:38) I've walk with I'm six5 I walk with a (00:28:40) purpose you know what I mean like I'm (00:28:41) like I get I stride out and so this guy (00:28:44) goes by me and he said oh why don't you (00:28:47) just take up the whole terminal and a (00:28:49) lot of days John I would have been like (00:28:51) oh man but this day I was like uhuh not (00:28:53) today and so I just you know I got (00:28:56) confrontational with this guy this guy's (00:28:57) probably close to 50 at that time I get (00:29:00) confrontational the next thing I can (00:29:01) I'll sh I'll share the full story with (00:29:03) you off camera the next thing you know (00:29:05) he and I are NOS to (00:29:07) knows I'm a I'm in my 30s I'm a in I (00:29:10) guess gonna fight a 50-year-old guy in (00:29:12) the airport like an idiot like what am I (00:29:14) doing like i' I've never been in the (00:29:15) fight and so we you know we his his (00:29:18) girlfriend separates us finally he walks (00:29:20) off and I say a comment like I was like (00:29:22) yeah bro that's what I thought walk away (00:29:25) and he turned around and he said (00:29:27) something that that Wells up tears now (00:29:31) and he said the full word he goes hey (00:29:32) aole he goes my wife my my my dad just (00:29:36) died and I heard it and it's like (00:29:38) everything (00:29:41) changed and he he goes (00:29:44) off I chase him (00:29:46) down we I guess said bro this I'm the (00:29:49) last person you want to talk to in the (00:29:50) world I just can't tell you how sorry I (00:29:52) am he and I end up were in tears hugging (00:29:54) in the middle of heartsfield We Still (00:29:57) Exchange family pictures with each other (00:30:00) but it was a moment where I thought hold (00:30:01) on this if if you could just like that (00:30:03) that exercise you talk about in the (00:30:04) airport I love that guy I love that guy (00:30:06) I love that guy and then you start to (00:30:07) think like well that guy's pissed off (00:30:09) about something something must be going (00:30:12) on I bet he's not just a jerk but what (00:30:14) an amazing opportunity every day to do (00:30:16) something like that that's beautiful man (00:30:18) yeah W well I I I remember I remember (00:30:20) real quick there's a um uh there's that (00:30:24) great um conversation with Joo the Navy (00:30:27) SEAL guy right and the guy asks like all (00:30:30) right so you're walking down the (00:30:31) sidewalk with your wife and your three (00:30:32) and your three kids and some guy pops (00:30:35) out and steps to you what do you do and (00:30:37) Joo goes uh Navy SEAL like Jiu-Jitsu (00:30:40) black belt 50 times over he said uh (00:30:43) right I would just grab my wife's hand (00:30:45) in one of my daughter's hands and I'd go (00:30:46) across the street and get on the other (00:30:47) sidewalk and the guy said who what like (00:30:51) what about your wife's honor and joo's (00:30:53) answer was so amazing he said if I need (00:30:56) to beat up a stranger on the street to (00:30:59) show my wife I honor her I have failed (00:31:02) her in every way imaginable and I just (00:31:05) remember going gosh dude like what a (00:31:09) cheap dim store version of (00:31:12) Honor right wow and then he smiled and (00:31:14) he goes there's only a handful of men (00:31:16) who can defeat me in hand toand combat (00:31:18) on planet Earth and they all do it for a (00:31:20) living and I was like what a what a (00:31:21) statement to say but it's like I but but (00:31:24) but yeah anyway it's it's you never know (00:31:27) people going through dude I'm going to (00:31:28) walk across the street I'll buy a drink (00:31:30) have a good have a good week I wish you (00:31:31) the best um I love that guy he's clearly (00:31:34) going through something that's nothing (00:31:35) to do with me right and I'm heading on I (00:31:38) love that (00:31:39) guy well you you say this on the show (00:31:41) all the time and I just man I just love (00:31:43) it so much and I'd love to hear kind of (00:31:45) the origin of it and and kind of the (00:31:47) depth behind what you mean is is you are (00:31:49) worth being well what a what a statement (00:31:52) you are worth being well and you say it (00:31:54) to others but man I would I love the (00:31:55) idea of even you know people listening (00:31:57) here looking in the and saying that to (00:31:59) yourself you're worth being well will (00:32:00) you talk to us about that yeah I mean (00:32:01) some of that's autobiographical I I it (00:32:04) was it was a year or two ago I was (00:32:05) meeting with a with a trauma therapist (00:32:08) it was pretty tough stuff (00:32:10) and I I said out loud the ticker tape (00:32:14) running underneath my (00:32:16) life is that uh I'll edit it for but it (00:32:19) was like you're a piece of crap you're a (00:32:21) piece of crap you're a piece of crap and (00:32:23) I said I don't I don't really even know (00:32:24) where that comes from um other than a (00:32:27) distorted picture that I think I (00:32:29) absorbed somehow in the ethos it wasn't (00:32:32) from my family I don't think it was from (00:32:33) my church I grew up in but (00:32:36) that God was really really pissed off at (00:32:39) me that I had screwed up so badly I was (00:32:43) so such a piece of garbage he had to (00:32:45) kill his own kid for me and that he was (00:32:47) just waiting to get me back and if I (00:32:51) just do one bad thing then he could for (00:32:53) you know what I mean and so I it was (00:32:54) this sense of you're the worst you're (00:32:56) the worst you're the worst and that just (00:32:58) became came the tick you don't look good (00:32:59) enough you're never going to be smart (00:33:00) enough you're never going to be smart (00:33:01) enough and that old bne brown quote (00:33:03) which I just love which um whatever you (00:33:05) go looking for in the world you are sure (00:33:07) to find um when the ticker tape is (00:33:10) you're a piece of crap (00:33:12) then you're gonna see that everywhere (00:33:15) right you're gonna see it everywhere and (00:33:17) so I'm like my social team like I don't (00:33:20) dud I don't know anything about social (00:33:21) media right like I If you said hey I (00:33:23) need you to log into Facebook or your (00:33:25) family's going to pass away I'd be like (00:33:26) well I probably to tell them goodby I (00:33:27) don't know how to do (00:33:31) it that's an what's that from Spaceball (00:33:34) like that's an idiot's cat on his (00:33:35) luggage um I I (00:33:38) uh I I I I do Instagram I know how that (00:33:41) works well yeah if it goes up 5,000 one (00:33:43) day and 6,000 the next day and then the (00:33:45) next day it only goes up 1,000 I'm like (00:33:47) we're failing it's all going down and (00:33:50) but my team was they'll go you went up a (00:33:53) 100,000 people in a month that's a lot (00:33:56) I'm like is that a lot and they're like (00:33:58) that's a lot um you need to take about (00:34:02) 40% off your little drama here right and (00:34:05) so all I can see is we're failing we're (00:34:07) failing we're failing and I miss how ex (00:34:10) insane all the rest of this the success (00:34:12) is right and I do that with my wife I do (00:34:14) that with my kids I do that with (00:34:15) finances I do that with everything it's (00:34:16) this idea of scarcity so that's part of (00:34:19) it the and so out of our own pain is how (00:34:21) we often talk to other people yeah I (00:34:23) don't want anyone else yeah to ever look (00:34:26) in the mirror and think they're less (00:34:27) than (00:34:28) per so it's it's it's almost (00:34:30) pathological for me I need you to hear (00:34:31) from (00:34:32) me you (00:34:35) are what you have to do to go get well (00:34:37) your your adventure is going to be hard (00:34:39) losing 50 pounds is miserable healing a (00:34:42) broken marriage telling your wife you (00:34:44) cheated on her getting rid of your (00:34:45) pornography addiction getting off (00:34:46) whatever the thing is is the worst being (00:34:50) 50 and deciding I have to go back and (00:34:51) get another associates degree at a (00:34:53) community college because my job's about (00:34:54) to go away to AI That's (00:34:57) hard and you can't do it anchored into a (00:35:00) platform of you're a piece of crap (00:35:01) you're a piece of crap you can anchor (00:35:03) into now I'm worth this hard Adventure (00:35:06) I'm about to go on to get to the next (00:35:08) step I'm worth that and so I don't think (00:35:10) so part of it is I don't want anyone to (00:35:12) walk through life like I feel sometimes (00:35:15) the second thing is I know you can only (00:35:17) be successful you can only do something (00:35:19) long term if you think it's worth it I (00:35:22) put money away every month in a (00:35:23) retirement account because I think it's (00:35:25) going to be worth it someday um someone (00:35:28) did I bought a house cuz I did the math (00:35:31) on it right and the math is worth it (00:35:34) similarly if you don't think you're (00:35:35) worth losing 50 pounds or healing your (00:35:37) marriage you're not going to so none of (00:35:40) the things I say to people matter if you (00:35:42) don't think you're worth it and that's (00:35:44) just it just it's just and I think we (00:35:46) have a bunch of people walking around (00:35:47) who hate themselves who just don't like (00:35:48) what they see in the (00:35:50) mirror yeah and again the cool again the (00:35:55) this is it shouldn't be because you are (00:35:57) human but it is is shock I mean it's (00:35:58) shocking to hear somebody who gives such (00:36:00) clear thought and guidance to people (00:36:03) knowing that you've struggled with that (00:36:04) which to me like just UPS your (00:36:06) qualifications to an infinite degree (00:36:08) just knowing that yeah I relate to that (00:36:10) I need to hear that and what what a (00:36:11) great what what an an amazing thing for (00:36:14) people to know that like okay he can (00:36:15) relate to what I'm going through and I (00:36:17) assume I I got to think that's another (00:36:19) even when even though you speak clearly (00:36:20) directly to people on the show it's not (00:36:23) it's not self-righteous like it is (00:36:25) relatable and it's not self-righteous (00:36:26) it's something that you can understand (00:36:28) it's only you're I think you're only (00:36:29) correct if I'm wrong I think you're only (00:36:31) able to give such clear guidance because (00:36:33) you understand and you can feel yeah I (00:36:35) think there's a curse in our with you (00:36:37) know I'm back to harping on social media (00:36:39) again but especially the influencer (00:36:41) culture and and it happens a lot in (00:36:44) churches but there's this idea of I had (00:36:46) an experience so I'm an (00:36:48) expert the number of people I've sat (00:36:50) with is like my husband cheated on me (00:36:52) and we worked it out and we want to (00:36:54) start a a a infidelity Ministry and it's (00:36:58) like whoa whoa whoa you had an (00:37:00) experience you that doesn't make you an (00:37:02) expert and so I think it's I think it's (00:37:04) all of it I think you have to have the (00:37:06) academic knowledge you have to know what (00:37:07) you're talking about and you have to (00:37:09) have walked with a whole bunch of other (00:37:11) people because anxiety looks different (00:37:13) in a thousand it looks a thousand (00:37:15) different ways than a thousand people um (00:37:17) and you begin to see the common threads (00:37:19) and then yeah you add on top of that no (00:37:21) I've been there man I've been there that (00:37:23) adds AEV level of credibility and I (00:37:25) think that's why certain people you just (00:37:26) hear them right like that guy wants to (00:37:29) be a good dad I get that you know what I (00:37:30) mean you feel it yeah right well you (00:37:33) talk your your book um your book most (00:37:36) recent book building a non-anxious life (00:37:38) um you you you have six um six daily (00:37:41) choices of a non-anxious life will you I (00:37:43) want to after this I want to talk a (00:37:44) little bit of Technology will you hit on (00:37:45) one of the you just mentioned anxiety (00:37:47) will you hit on one of those the reality (00:37:49) connection Freedom mindfulness health (00:37:50) and healing and belief what what it one (00:37:52) of those um for somebody maybe listening (00:37:55) today who may be feeling a little tinge (00:37:56) of anxiety what is um what are one of (00:37:58) those that that you think really (00:38:00) resonates and hits people as deal man I (00:38:02) think I think that I mean it's a great (00:38:03) question I think it depends on where you (00:38:05) happen to be um the whole premise of the (00:38:08) book is I don't I don't think we're (00:38:09) broken I don't think anxiety is the (00:38:12) problem (00:38:14) um I think in fact our bodies are (00:38:16) working pretty well if we all got (00:38:18) anxious at the same time the question to (00:38:21) ask is not what um why is everyone (00:38:23) broken but dude what kind of world have (00:38:26) we created that our bodies are all (00:38:27) trying to get our attention with the (00:38:29) same alarm system that's the question (00:38:31) and so when I begin to say how do I opt (00:38:34) out of the system how do I unplug from (00:38:35) The Matrix um uh it that's those these (00:38:38) are six things I can do every day and (00:38:39) then my body will stop sounding the (00:38:41) anxiety alarms uh I'll just go the first (00:38:44) one um I we call what do we call it the (00:38:47) uh the attention economy that's a really (00:38:50) cute way of saying the uh distraction (00:38:52) economy the whole world spins on look (00:38:56) over here look over here there's (00:38:57) something wrong with you have I got the (00:38:59) plan for you or have I got the thing (00:39:01) right it's it's and I'm selling products (00:39:03) I'm writing books I'm I'm in the same (00:39:05) same thing right um but the whole thing (00:39:07) look over here look over here look over (00:39:08) here look over here and then you end up (00:39:11) sitting on the couch next to your (00:39:13) partner and you're literally 12 inches (00:39:16) apart but you're 10,000 miles away from (00:39:18) each other um W she's on her iPad you're (00:39:21) on your phone and you're Off to the (00:39:22) Races right so this idea of choosing (00:39:24) reality is a an act of rebellion it's an (00:39:27) Act of being honest and saying what is (00:39:30) the state of my marriage what's the (00:39:33) state of my finances I'm going to pull (00:39:34) out a yellow pad and a piece of paper (00:39:36) with a pen like it's 1986 and I'm going (00:39:39) to write down who do I owe money to I'm (00:39:41) going to pull a credit report and find (00:39:43) out every credit card that I have opened (00:39:44) who do I owe money to and I'm GNA exhale (00:39:47) this is reality this is the state of (00:39:49) things yesterday I'm ined the dentist in (00:39:52) five years not because I'm disgusting um (00:39:54) my teeth were great but I am actually (00:39:57) kind of OCD about my my teeth (00:40:01) but I uh have a whole bunch of root (00:40:05) canals from when I was a kid and I hated (00:40:07) going to the dentist but here's the deal (00:40:08) I haven't been in so long I've got to (00:40:10) choose reality and I'm getting old (00:40:12) enough to where it's going to impact my (00:40:13) cardiovascular health my heart health if (00:40:15) I'm not not careful so I got to own (00:40:17) reality what's the state of things (00:40:18) what's the state of delon's teeth and (00:40:20) turns out they're great but it's waiting (00:40:22) into those scary questions why does my (00:40:24) teenager keep coming in and slamming the (00:40:26) door oh those teens just don't like (00:40:28) their parents no you gut know something (00:40:31) else is going on right why do I keep (00:40:34) walking in my house staring at my phone (00:40:36) what is that helping numb me from so (00:40:38) choosing reality is an act of defiance (00:40:40) in an era of distraction and so I think (00:40:44) I I don't think you can run a marathon (00:40:45) if you don't know where the starting (00:40:46) line is and so choosing reality is about (00:40:49) taking inventory what is the state of my (00:40:52) life and then owning it and then we're (00:40:54) gonna head off from (00:40:56) there I love that I had about 15 people (00:41:01) send me an Instagram post that you (00:41:03) posted a few months ago I got you in (00:41:05) trouble (00:41:08) yeah no it said uh it said look your (00:41:11) children in the eyes as soon as you hear (00:41:13) their voice put down your phone and look (00:41:15) them in the eyes even if you just have (00:41:17) to tell them that you need some time to (00:41:19) finish a project read an email or send a (00:41:21) text but don't talk to a child without (00:41:23) making eye contact your children deserve (00:41:25) more dignity and respect than a metal (00:41:28) box that got millions and millions of (00:41:32) views why was that beautiful (00:41:36) message so big why did that blow up so (00:41:39) big that that simple approachable (00:41:42) message that's available to all of us (00:41:44) every single day why was it so profound (00:41:46) and why did that touch so many (00:41:48) people my guess is because I was talking (00:41:51) to my daughter while staring at my phone (00:41:53) I think is real (00:41:56) and she she kept saying Daddy look at (00:41:58) this picture I drew and it was going to (00:42:00) be of some wolf dragon with a I don't (00:42:02) know what she yeah um she's a she's a (00:42:05) smart one and I kept saying it's great (00:42:08) and she would say you're not looking and (00:42:10) I'd say I did I looked it's it's it's (00:42:12) awesome (00:42:13) ah and she turned and walked away with a (00:42:17) posture that I had seen working with (00:42:18) Abus (00:42:19) kids and the posture the posture (00:42:23) is man that box is more beautiful than (00:42:28) me that box has my dad's wrapped (00:42:31) attention what do I got to do to get it (00:42:34) get that and that was this it was this (00:42:37) defeated he will love me as she walked (00:42:40) away and I just put the stupid freaking (00:42:43) phone down and I was like sh and I (00:42:46) remember saying out out loud to myself (00:42:47) she's at least worth your eye contact (00:42:49) dude like at least look at her and that (00:42:53) was and most of those black text box (00:42:55) posts are me screwing something up and (00:42:57) me catching myself and so I think the (00:43:00) authenticity that's a word that's kind (00:43:01) of beaten to the ground but I think the (00:43:04) oh this is real time I just did that and (00:43:06) so I posted a note to myself as an (00:43:08) accountability me measure when a child (00:43:11) walks in a room put your phone down even (00:43:14) if you're in the middle of something (00:43:15) heavy I can set it down look at my child (00:43:18) and say hey I'm in the middle of sending (00:43:20) my boss a text about work tomorrow hang (00:43:23) right there you have value you're worth (00:43:25) me you're worth everything I have have (00:43:27) to finish this great I just drew a (00:43:29) boundary that's no problem and I gave my (00:43:31) kid a timel all those parenting (00:43:33) techniques that we know um but it's a (00:43:35) matter of treating them like a person (00:43:37) and not treating them like a second (00:43:38) class citizen to a fancy digital (00:43:42) box and dude it's nibbling away it's (00:43:45) nibbling away I mean that's why we're (00:43:46) doing what we're doing like it this is (00:43:48) nibbling away at those little moments I (00:43:50) I heard a story um the guy mentioned (00:43:53) that his he went to a his daughter's (00:43:55) gymnastics practice and he he had (00:43:57) happened by accident left his phone in (00:43:59) the car and he he was like oh I'll just (00:44:02) watch her doing gymnastics and he said (00:44:03) she had to have looked over 20 times (00:44:06) during the practice and he had never (00:44:07) seen he's like oh maybe maybe she just (00:44:10) knew I was up off Mo no no no she does (00:44:11) it every time she does it every time and (00:44:14) just this time you happen to notice (00:44:16) because the in the term R means to (00:44:18) notice our kids notice every single (00:44:21) thing we do they they notice they they (00:44:23) are just because their brains are (00:44:24) forming right you know it's a lot better (00:44:25) than I do like their brains are forming (00:44:27) right and so they're noticing and (00:44:28) they're taking in and then they're then (00:44:29) they're deciding okay now how do I adapt (00:44:31) brain how do you adapt towards survival (00:44:34) when it comes to this so if it's opening (00:44:36) up to Dad and being you know being (00:44:38) intimate being close with Dad wait Dad (00:44:41) shut it down last time okay next time (00:44:43) don't be intimate got it and just begins (00:44:45) to ER or what you don't see is like you (00:44:47) just mentioned with that gymnastics (00:44:48) young lady my daughter will turn the (00:44:50) corner to come show me something she's (00:44:52) excited about see me on my phone and (00:44:53) she'll just turn around I'll never even (00:44:54) know she was there cuz she learns oh (00:44:57) don't talk to him when that's happening (00:44:59) and I'm out and I'll never see what I (00:45:01) didn't even get to participate in and (00:45:05) here's the other is it boring talking (00:45:08) about wolf dragons (00:45:10) bro is is Elementary School gymnastics (00:45:14) like just kids doing like jumps like two (00:45:17) inches off the ground is that fun no my (00:45:21) job isn't to be fun and stimulated and (00:45:26) happy all the time that is (00:45:28) a modern concoction it's cocaine and and (00:45:32) and cotton candy it's not real it's not (00:45:35) real um what's real is The Drudge sludge (00:45:40) through of you talked about intimate you (00:45:42) know what intimate eye contact what's (00:45:44) intimate is winking at your daughter (00:45:46) when you make a joke at your at at your (00:45:48) at her brother's expense we think (00:45:50) intimate is these big I'm gonna do the (00:45:52) sex (00:45:53) talk they're going to remember that as a (00:45:55) story to tell at their wedding (00:45:58) their nervous system is going to (00:45:59) remember that guy's (00:46:01) safe that guy didn't give a crap about (00:46:04) me or that guy was like one of the one (00:46:06) of the Demons about growing up with a (00:46:08) with a parent who struggles with alcohol (00:46:09) addiction is they are physically present (00:46:12) but they're not there and so it makes a (00:46:15) kid insane because they go grasping for (00:46:18) ghosts right they're trying to they're (00:46:19) trying to connect with somebody who I (00:46:21) see you but they're not there you and I (00:46:24) both walk into a room somebody's drunk (00:46:25) we know like I didn't a here right we (00:46:27) know no same as you and I can go see a (00:46:28) dead body and know there's the body but (00:46:30) that person's not here um kids struggle (00:46:33) with grasp and it distorts reality (00:46:36) similarly our phones are doing that same (00:46:38) thing my dad's he's right there my mom (00:46:41) is right there but she is gone she is (00:46:45) 3,000 miles away looking at houses at (00:46:47) another like or chatting with her (00:46:49) friends she's not here and it we're (00:46:52) making our kids insane and that's on us (00:46:55) that's 100% I I heard this the other (00:46:58) um Joe and I just exhaled it's rare that (00:47:02) I get speechless anymore you can tell on (00:47:03) this podcast I talk way too much um but (00:47:07) a guy said if I hear again that those (00:47:10) kids today have changed goes I'm gonna (00:47:13) lose my mind kids have not changed one (00:47:15) IOD to they're exactly the same it's (00:47:18) their freaking parents that have changed (00:47:20) and I just exhaled it's like oh my gosh (00:47:22) he's right that kid is just asking every (00:47:26) second of every day do you see me and Do (00:47:27) You Love Me Do you see me and do you (00:47:28) love me am I enough do you see me and do (00:47:30) you love me and what we're telling them (00:47:32) with our actions behaviors of language (00:47:34) we're telling them with our actions nope (00:47:36) nope nope and then we try to pay for (00:47:40) expensive soccer camps and send them to (00:47:42) fancy um dance recital as a way to kind (00:47:44) of buy it back but they know that box is (00:47:47) more important than me period end of (00:47:53) story I know I got kind of heavy sorry (00:47:56) man no I no I think I know I think it I (00:47:59) think it is really important to sit in (00:48:02) the heaviness we we're we're you and I (00:48:04) are both very hopeful and optimistic (00:48:06) that we can do something about it but we (00:48:08) got to I think I think we need to (00:48:10) understand the freaking weight because (00:48:12) John I was I was there's nobody on the (00:48:14) planet worse than me there nobody on the (00:48:16) planet worse than me and you start to (00:48:19) see and what one way that'll do it if (00:48:21) someone's just to go through the XI just (00:48:23) go look at pictures from five years ago (00:48:25) of your kids that's all it takes and you (00:48:26) realize how how much it's fleeting you (00:48:28) realize that they're not going to look (00:48:29) like that again do that and recognize (00:48:32) like this picture I'm taking right now (00:48:35) mentally or with my phone it's going to (00:48:37) be something I look back five years from (00:48:38) now so it's right freaking now but we (00:48:41) got to feel the weight we're not g to (00:48:43) we're not going to go make the change (00:48:44) until we feel it until we understand (00:48:46) really what's at stake and what's going (00:48:47) to happen if we don't right and it it (00:48:50) we're s we're so event driven and is (00:48:53) this instagrammable and what what Dr (00:48:56) Norton tell you is you want to get in (00:48:58) shape man it's just a lot of boring (00:48:59) stuff over and over again for the next (00:49:01) 25 years that's it um you want to change (00:49:04) your diet like just make small changes (00:49:06) over time for a long long long time uh (00:49:09) you want to improve your marriage do (00:49:11) three or four things every single day (00:49:12) for a long long time and you're going to (00:49:15) be 73 or 73 years married like my (00:49:17) grandmother was and then she had a (00:49:21) soulmate she didn't meet some (00:49:23) knuckleheaded David deloney that was (00:49:25) going off to the Navy and be like that's (00:49:27) a soulmate that didn't even that wasn't (00:49:28) even a thing it's after 72 or 73 years (00:49:32) they breathe their lungs were the same (00:49:34) and their arms and legs were the same (00:49:35) they were one right um but if you miss (00:49:38) all the little stuff man you miss all (00:49:39) the little (00:49:41) stuff and the little stuff is the (00:49:44) stuff that is the (00:49:47) stuff this that's that's the right time (00:49:50) to to close this brother um Everybody (00:49:53) Needs to Go order building a non-anxious (00:49:56) life everybody right now needs to pause (00:49:59) and hit subscribe to the Dr John delone (00:50:01) show wherever you listen go to johal.com (00:50:03) follow at John delone what I miss bro (00:50:07) you got two other books but we didn't (00:50:08) mention two other books you got to order (00:50:09) all the books what that Miss that's a (00:50:10) lot of John Delon I'm just thinking of (00:50:12) my buddies like going oh dude how many (00:50:13) times you I see that dude's name but (00:50:15) it's good I got some friends that keep (00:50:16) me very very humble it's which we all (00:50:19) need right it's a good thing hey I'll (00:50:20) tell you I'm I'm grateful (00:50:23) um I'm grateful that you're having the (00:50:25) conversation um (00:50:27) that's it's it's important you're you're (00:50:29) putting your money in your mouth as you (00:50:30) got skin in the game you're developing (00:50:31) products that help families so I'm (00:50:32) really grateful man that's (00:50:34) awesome appreciate that bro thank (00:50:38) you