Jon Bernthal learns how to be a better father (YouTube Video Transcript)

(00:00:00) Your YouTube transcript will appear here (00:00:00) [Music] (00:00:05) foreign (00:00:07) [Music] (00:00:19) look you have you have different kids (00:00:21) and each kid is so incredibly different (00:00:23) I'm sure you know what you do with Ethan (00:00:26) is different from what you do with the (00:00:27) siblings are there uniform things that (00:00:30) you that you like to sort of focus on (00:00:32) and and are there are there are there (00:00:36) nuggets or tidbits you've gotten from (00:00:38) from these great guests and mentors that (00:00:39) you talk to that that help you with that (00:00:41) and that Define your philosophy towards (00:00:42) it yeah such a beautiful question and (00:00:44) you're right you know the numbers don't (00:00:46) lie and what I can tell you is so let me (00:00:49) frame one one other statistic this might (00:00:51) scare you a little bit it scared me when (00:00:53) I first started but 80 of our one-on-one (00:00:56) time with our kids is gone by the time (00:00:59) they're 12. yeah I've heard that on your (00:01:01) show yeah it's terrifying but it also (00:01:04) really creates a lot of sense of urgency (00:01:05) and the other thing too is that I think (00:01:07) a lot of men or and parents just in (00:01:09) general we think we have 18 years right (00:01:11) truly what we have is 18 Summers right (00:01:14) but what you really have if you really (00:01:16) think about it yes your kids are you (00:01:18) know from the age of like one to five (00:01:20) you know there's there's a lot of (00:01:21) influence in brain development that kind (00:01:22) of thing I'm not a parenting expert on (00:01:24) that or a psychology but what I will (00:01:26) tell you that the range of Ages where we (00:01:29) truly have impact I believe is fathers (00:01:31) is six to eleven and then and then on (00:01:35) but those are the years that you really (00:01:38) set the foundation of (00:01:40) of how these young men and daughters (00:01:42) right are going to operate right and I (00:01:45) think what's most important is that we (00:01:48) create at the foundation of Father and (00:01:52) Son or father and daughter (00:01:53) its connection (00:01:55) it's creating an environment what we (00:01:57) call creating an environment of (00:01:58) psychological safety where your kids can (00:02:01) come to you and they can tell you (00:02:03) anything and everything (00:02:05) and there's ways that we can create that (00:02:07) and there's ways that we can decimate (00:02:09) that it's it's a it's an absolute skill (00:02:11) what a lot of people don't understand is (00:02:14) when it comes to raising young men right (00:02:16) let's just take raising young men (00:02:17) raising young daughters these things are (00:02:19) skills and what's unfortunate is that we (00:02:22) wing it like we just sort of like I'll (00:02:24) just figure it out as I go right or we (00:02:26) do it in relation to the the presumed (00:02:28) success or failure of our own parents or (00:02:30) whatever right we we have this image of (00:02:32) our our own parents as being either good (00:02:33) or bad right so we want to either (00:02:34) emulate them or do the exact opposite of (00:02:37) what they did exactly but what you're (00:02:38) talking about is approaching it like any (00:02:41) sort of technique or anything that's (00:02:42) vitally important to you got to work you (00:02:44) got to trade so what what are what are (00:02:45) some of those those ways like what are (00:02:47) ways that it gets decimated so the ways (00:02:50) that get decimated is when (00:02:51) um when kids are in it when your kids (00:02:53) are interacting with you that you blast (00:02:56) them with shame guilt blame pain now I'm (00:02:59) not saying that there's never a place (00:03:01) for discipline a lot of people will say (00:03:04) oh well that sounds like discipline it's (00:03:06) different right and also creating an (00:03:08) environment of psychological safety is (00:03:09) not the absence of consequences either (00:03:11) right so um let me give you an example (00:03:14) of what I'm talking about (00:03:17) I like to ask my kids what we call (00:03:19) generative questions a generative (00:03:21) question that's another skill most guys (00:03:24) um well let me just ask you this when (00:03:26) when when guys come home or when people (00:03:28) come home from work or whatever and they (00:03:31) see their wife and kids or whatever what (00:03:33) do you think is the first question that (00:03:34) we ask but how was your day how was your (00:03:36) day right that in and of itself is a (00:03:39) really crappy question now what I'll (00:03:41) tell you is the intention behind that (00:03:43) question isn't crappy at all totally (00:03:44) because we love them and we care but (00:03:46) there's a better way to ask right so how (00:03:48) was your day will always result in good (00:03:51) fine busy (00:03:53) right default question don't have to (00:03:56) think about it but when you ask your (00:03:58) kids (00:04:01) what's the question go ahead (00:04:03) what is the highlight of your day or (00:04:05) like what is the best part of your day (00:04:06) and there's a whole psychology so I'm (00:04:08) getting to your question of how we (00:04:09) create this connection when you ask your (00:04:11) kids what's what's the best part of your (00:04:13) day tell me why it was so meaningful for (00:04:15) you suddenly it's not how a school would (00:04:18) you learn how was your day suddenly (00:04:19) they're they're thinking what was the (00:04:22) best part of my day (00:04:23) so when they tell you they're like Dad I (00:04:26) had the fitness test today and I cranked (00:04:28) out 62 push-ups I beat Parker I'm like (00:04:30) dude that's a mate you must feel amazing (00:04:33) so I emotionally label them right you (00:04:36) must feel amazing you match that energy (00:04:38) how cool is it when we want to share (00:04:40) something like when you get a part right (00:04:42) you come home you tell your wife you're (00:04:43) like guess what I got the part right and (00:04:46) she matches that energy it creates such (00:04:48) a beautiful connection (00:04:50) that's one question (00:04:51) the second question is this (00:04:53) tell well what's the second question (00:04:55) what was the least favorite part of your (00:04:56) day what was something that like (00:04:59) like challenged you the most yeah and (00:05:02) you know you you get like an answer like (00:05:04) no I didn't like this or I didn't like (00:05:06) that yeah yeah but this is where you can (00:05:09) create an environment of psychological (00:05:10) safety so I'll show you a a good like (00:05:13) the good response and the response that (00:05:15) it's more typical right so let's just (00:05:17) say I say hey you know Ethan what was (00:05:19) what was your biggest challenge today (00:05:20) what'd you fail at what was the low (00:05:22) point of your day would you learn now I (00:05:25) love asking the question of what did you (00:05:26) fail at today because it gets us used to (00:05:29) the fact you know parents are terrified (00:05:31) to see their kids fail I mean look at (00:05:33) any little league game they flip out (00:05:34) right but fail right fail forward fail (00:05:37) fast right and learn that's the thing is (00:05:39) learn right so I I think it I think it (00:05:43) was you or Mason I can't remember who it (00:05:44) was but I'll never forget one was like (00:05:45) hey what was the challenge for you today (00:05:48) and be like (00:05:50) and you'll see it right (00:05:53) Dan (00:05:55) um you remember when I was sick a couple (00:05:57) weeks ago and I missed four days of (00:05:59) school yep I do (00:06:01) well I have seven missing assignments (00:06:03) right now (00:06:05) this is just a couple weeks ago right (00:06:09) seven missing assignments I have two F's (00:06:11) and what Ethan you know he's a good (00:06:14) student doesn't doesn't get F's doesn't (00:06:15) usually have missing assignments but was (00:06:17) was definitely ill like was really sick (00:06:19) for four days now there's a part of me (00:06:21) right and I where I I as a as a dad you (00:06:25) just want to lay on that lecture and I (00:06:27) was sitting there thinking like dude (00:06:28) I've seen you on your phone I've seen (00:06:30) you play an Oculus I know you haven't (00:06:32) been doing your work like and there's (00:06:33) that part of me that wants to just blast (00:06:35) him and be like hey we don't we don't (00:06:37) get apps man right we don't have missing (00:06:39) assignments you know you need to get (00:06:41) this done and just point and you're (00:06:43) right instead I was like okay I bet that (00:06:45) that took a lot of courage to tell me (00:06:47) that huh (00:06:48) so you welcome that and I said tell me (00:06:49) more about that I don't say why did this (00:06:51) happen tell me more about that (00:06:53) he'll explain (00:06:55) because tell me more is (00:06:57) and welcoming information why did you do (00:07:00) that that's accusatory and it puts us (00:07:02) psychological how could you do it how (00:07:03) could you do that what's wrong with you (00:07:04) right and so when he starts explaining (00:07:07) these things well now I don't have to (00:07:09) lecture and I'm like and I think the (00:07:11) response that I gave to Ethan was you (00:07:12) know Ethan now it's like the story I'm (00:07:14) telling myself is that you've been down (00:07:17) this road already like last semester and (00:07:19) I remember you coming through it just (00:07:20) fine (00:07:21) what did you do that helped you succeed (00:07:24) and overcome then (00:07:26) as much as I want to lecture my kid and (00:07:28) just tell them all this great knowledge (00:07:30) that I have and tell them what he thinks (00:07:32) he should do kids will usually tune out (00:07:34) and so do people when we're pointing the (00:07:36) finger and lecturing but when he's (00:07:38) explaining to me the plan (00:07:40) right explaining to me the plan of what (00:07:42) he's going to do and how he's going to (00:07:43) execute well now he's more sold on his (00:07:46) plan he's going to execute his plan and (00:07:48) all I have to do is be like dude that's (00:07:49) a great idea like how can I support you (00:07:51) with that like let's let's go right (00:07:53) fist bump well now suddenly dad becomes (00:07:58) a safe place to come and open up these (00:08:01) conversations and here's where I'll tell (00:08:03) you it really pays off yeah there were (00:08:05) consequences there right consequences (00:08:08) were he had to go in the auditorium and (00:08:11) skip lunch and and work on his projects (00:08:13) He had to go see a teacher for extra (00:08:15) help he had to stay up later than normal (00:08:17) there were natural consequences (00:08:19) but what I will tell you is there's (00:08:20) going to come a day (00:08:22) where every kid I don't care who you are (00:08:25) but there's going to be a 17 year old 18 (00:08:26) year old kid who's going to go to a (00:08:28) party and he's going to drink too much (00:08:29) right or whatever they're going to do (00:08:31) they have that cell phone in their hand (00:08:33) and they have a choice that they're (00:08:34) going to make do I call my dad because (00:08:37) he's the guy I've I rep after rep day (00:08:39) after day he's been the guy who I can (00:08:41) come to with this stuff or do I spin the (00:08:44) do I roll the dice get behind the wheel (00:08:46) of the car and pray to God he never (00:08:47) finds out (00:08:49) I will tell you with a hundred percent (00:08:50) confidence that my boys know they can (00:08:52) pick up that phone and they can call me (00:08:55) they will not be lectured they will not (00:08:57) be blasted they will not be guilted I'll (00:08:59) be happy that they call me we might have (00:09:00) a conversation about it a very fruitful (00:09:02) one (00:09:03) but it's not going to result in blasting (00:09:06) them and punishing them but that's what (00:09:08) I'll tell you like so to answer your (00:09:09) question (00:09:10) kids are going to go through super dark (00:09:13) dark times right and what they really (00:09:16) need is and I'm not saying coddle your (00:09:19) kids I'm not saying like baby them and (00:09:20) they're free of consequences and (00:09:22) discipline there's there's natural (00:09:23) consequences everything (00:09:25) but you've got to be that safe haven for (00:09:27) them to be like (00:09:28) Dad it's dark for me right now man like (00:09:31) I don't know what to do because when a (00:09:33) kid doesn't have that that's when you (00:09:36) see them resort to drugs you know (00:09:38) alcohol (00:09:40) suicidal ideation all these things and a (00:09:43) lot of parents are like oh my God I had (00:09:45) no idea (00:09:46) [Music] (00:09:50) foreign (00:09:54) [Music] (00:09:56) hey what's going on everybody it's John (00:09:58) Bam Bam the dog uh first on behalf of (00:10:01) both of us and everybody from the real (00:10:02) ones team I just want to sincerely thank (00:10:05) you guys for for tuning in the folks (00:10:07) that I bring on the show they're family (00:10:09) to me and uh being able to tell their (00:10:11) stories and bringing you into their (00:10:13) world something I'm I'm just super proud (00:10:15) of and uh again grateful that you guys (00:10:17) tune in we've decided we want to take (00:10:18) things just a step further it's a (00:10:20) patreon community and basically what (00:10:22) that means is if you become part of this (00:10:24) community look I already bored Bam Bam (00:10:26) if you want to become a part of this (00:10:27) community you're going to be able to (00:10:28) hear episodes early and all that ad free (00:10:30) and all that good stuff but there's all (00:10:32) this behind the scenes footage all this (00:10:34) stuff that we've shot that really brings (00:10:36) you into the folks that we've had on the (00:10:38) show really brings you into their world (00:10:39) live chats with me and the folks that I (00:10:41) bring on the show to talk about their (00:10:43) world talk about the issues that they're (00:10:44) dealing with but their triumphs and (00:10:46) their tragedies just go to patreon slash (00:10:48) real ones on this website that you see (00:10:51) right there right on the screen that's (00:10:54) right in front of you this whole idea (00:10:56) idea was something about building (00:10:58) bridges and and bringing people together (00:11:00) and bringing folks that often don't get (00:11:03) the mic and giving the mic to them so (00:11:04) the fact that you guys tuned in means (00:11:06) the world anyways again thank you be (00:11:08) good to each other out there rock and (00:11:10) roll (00:11:12) I'm gonna get a workout in a little bit (00:11:14) with my man Eric Linden stud coordinator (00:11:16) from The Punisher he's coming all the (00:11:18) way up because we're about to get after (00:11:20) it and when that's done he asked me in (00:11:22) the car are you gonna have my shake (00:11:24) ready and I know what that means am I (00:11:26) gonna have my son Warrior Shake they've (00:11:27) got the active protein but they also (00:11:29) have this collagen protein which is (00:11:31) amazing they also have the warrior blend (00:11:33) which is a little bit lighter if you're (00:11:34) trying to cut and uh I believe in it I (00:11:36) believe in that some Warrior stuff go to (00:11:41) www.sunwarrior.com (00:11:43) real ones (00:11:46) [Music]