The Krusty Kooch Chronicles: Season 1 COMPLETE (YouTube Video Transcript)

(00:00:00) Your YouTube transcript will appear here (00:00:00) strap your buds in for it's time for the (00:00:04) crusty couch Chronicles (00:00:06) [Music] (00:00:18) door is boring around here (00:00:21) maybe I'll go bust a nut mr. Krabs I'm (00:00:23) going on break I need to bust a nod mr. (00:00:26) Squidward there's no time for busting (00:00:29) nuts today we've got orders to fill but (00:00:31) mr. Krab no buts (00:00:33) I need to go and finger me booty day I (00:00:36) mean count me booty huh leave me (00:00:40) Captain's Quarters don't don't come by (00:00:43) this is unbearable I need to bust a knot (00:00:46) hey Squidward come on down to the nut (00:00:49) bucket you could bust as many nuts as (00:00:51) you'd like and I'll even give you a free (00:00:53) nut budget-busting helmet I can't just (00:00:55) leave but I really do have to bust a nut (00:00:58) now all right I'll be right there three (00:01:01) moments late they'll ha that was the (00:01:04) best night I've ever had Thank You (00:01:06) plankton no problem Squidward come on (00:01:09) down to busting out any time you'd like (00:01:16) [Music] (00:01:22) [Music] (00:01:25) mr. Krabs I'm going on break I need to (00:01:28) get some Chef Boyardee Beefaroni mr. (00:01:31) Squidward (00:01:32) there will be no chef boyardee Beefaroni (00:01:34) in me restaurant but mr. Krabs (00:01:36) I gotta eat something nobody IRD and I (00:01:39) have a long history and I won't allow (00:01:41) any of his food into me restaurant none (00:01:43) if it would happened mr. Krabs I'm (00:01:47) starving and I gotta eat something just (00:01:50) think of the commercials no mr. (00:01:55) Squidward no mr. Squidward I already (00:02:00) told you no Chef Boyardee (00:02:04) boy mr. Squidward that's enough now get (00:02:07) back to work no I'm gonna starve in here (00:02:10) how am I supposed to go without having (00:02:12) any Beefaroni Ferrari give me all your (00:02:20) Beefaroni ok man don't hurt me I'm a (00:02:23) registered sex offender and I need to (00:02:25) get that expunged before I meet God a (00:02:31) few hours later mortal Krusty couch why (00:02:35) don't I pay Patrick good Krusty good (00:02:38) please (00:02:43) [Music] (00:02:53) another lonely night of masturbating (00:02:56) onto my dead computer wife Karen's (00:02:58) keyboard might as well whip out one of (00:03:00) my plan is to steal the Krabby Patty (00:03:02) secret formula let's see a plan C (00:03:07) commitment (00:03:08) never thought I'd stoop this low a few (00:03:11) minutes late they'll how are you gene (00:03:13) I'm here to ask you something very (00:03:15) important (00:03:17) thank you to try and steal me formula (00:03:19) again hey no crabs I I have feelings for (00:03:23) you (00:03:24) if you do yes crabs I I wanted to know (00:03:29) if you would take my hand in marriage (00:03:32) Oh plankton I never thought you'd ask (00:03:35) and when we're together we can join (00:03:37) hands in business and become the Krusty (00:03:40) nut bucket no no if I take it that far (00:03:49) no don't don't take it the wrong way (00:03:51) Krabs (00:03:52) hand over the formula and we'll get (00:03:54) hitched hey I think we need some time (00:03:56) apart diketon I don't think we're seeing (00:03:59) eye to eye but Krabs and I love you in (00:04:02) your crinkle cut dick knows no buts you (00:04:05) need to leave plankton drat hear me now (00:04:08) Krabs one day we'll get married and I'll (00:04:12) have that formula look back to nothing (00:04:15) on the keyboard (00:04:18) [Music] (00:04:27) we're here at the crusty couch for the (00:04:30) first day of the hotly anticipated new (00:04:33) menu item and as you can see it's really (00:04:36) pumping that's right canned cootchie you (00:04:40) heard it here first folks let's go talk (00:04:42) to the restaurant owner and find out (00:04:44) what he was thinking hey hey Eugene and (00:04:48) what brought you to this momentous (00:04:50) decision sir coochi I've been chasing (00:04:52) that coochie my whole life can coochie (00:04:55) rules and what do you think about this (00:04:58) sir how am I supposed to compete with (00:05:00) can coochie I just did seem to get (00:05:03) anybody down to the nut bucket and now (00:05:05) nobody's gonna come fun entirely (00:05:07) intended this fish needs to go hop in (00:05:10) line cuz he needs to get himself some (00:05:13) kind coochie meanwhile Squidward why do (00:05:17) you want Patrick pose hoping to get (00:05:20) myself some dead Poochie we're all sold (00:05:23) out Patrick (00:05:29) [Music] (00:05:38) hooow Shula's nicest Squidward to let me (00:05:42) supply of canned coochie for me to go (00:05:44) sell haha (00:05:46) Oh sir could I interest you in some (00:05:50) canned coochie coochie did you say (00:05:53) coochie yes sir (00:05:56) with or without life coaching coaching (00:06:01) listen we've done this once before do (00:06:03) you want the coochie oh god yeah I'll (00:06:05) take 12 that's what I thought (00:06:08) geez that guy's a real whack job (00:06:10) hopefully this next house will go a (00:06:13) little more smoothly (00:06:19) hey could I interest you in some tan (00:06:23) coochie what what are you selling hey (00:06:27) showing coochie coochie coochie (00:06:31) sweet sweet coochie I remember the first (00:06:34) time I tasted Cochise I always say it (00:06:37) well ma'am doesn't look like you've had (00:06:40) coochie in quite a while (00:06:41) unless you're forgettin it from her (00:06:43) that's my mom was it sorry the past huh (00:06:47) huh no I don't want any of your stinking (00:06:50) coaching well ma'am what if I were to (00:06:53) offer you some food coochie devil de (00:06:56) coche you say yes ma'am the finest (00:07:00) double coochie in the sea I'll take your (00:07:02) entire stock I hate you (00:07:06) meanwhile spare Cote spare to g-man (00:07:16) [Music] (00:07:24) welcome to the salty spooge okay are you (00:07:27) how gay am i how gay am i all the decks (00:07:30) for breakfast yeah so without any Lube (00:07:34) oh yeah that's pretty good (00:07:36) right this way welcome to the salty (00:07:37) spook tell gay oh yeah oh I'm not listen (00:07:42) you kind of have an affinity for dicks (00:07:44) to enter the salty splooge Oh Wiener (00:07:47) Wiener wiener (00:07:48) I just love wieners good other him doing (00:07:53) the gay oh I gotta get in there or else (00:07:56) I'm gonna get my Edward pass revoked (00:07:57) thanks Wendy hey mr. Squidward (00:08:01) hey mr. Squidward mr. Krabs heard you (00:08:04) were trying to learn how to ride the (00:08:05) dick train mr. Squidward Wow mr. Krabs I (00:08:08) need to get in there but I'm just not (00:08:10) gay well mr. Squidward allow me to throw (00:08:14) it in mr. Krabs that I didn't know you (00:08:18) were gay I thought you had a wife I mean (00:08:21) you have a daughter well mr. Squidward (00:08:23) have you ever chased around a puffer (00:08:25) fish [ __ ] before um no well let me tell (00:08:28) you something looks and smells like an (00:08:31) old rotten krabby patty just like (00:08:34) it's just nasty oh yes enough to turn (00:08:37) the straight is demanding to dick (00:08:38) breathers (00:08:39) come with me me boy alright mr. (00:08:42) Squidward (00:08:42) first step in your lesson is to learn (00:08:44) how to suck okay stick your nose in your (00:08:48) mouth do I really have to show you what (00:08:50) your inward pass or nut oh all right (00:08:52) I'll do it now such check on your nose (00:08:55) that you've never sucked on anything (00:08:56) before now then get your hands on a (00:09:02) really games term again hmm (00:09:06) a clarinet I already played clarinet (00:09:08) well then you're already halfway there (00:09:10) now then for your final test you need to (00:09:14) finger me booty mr. Squidward mr. Krabs (00:09:18) come on no but mr. Squidward it's the (00:09:20) only way Wow I really don't need my (00:09:24) edward passed I just can't go to work on (00:09:26) a normal day without it come here you (00:09:28) crustaceous play with you horrible (00:09:32) moments late they'll welcome to the soul (00:09:34) be split vote it's just you yes and I'm (00:09:38) here to get in for real this time boo (00:09:41) really oh yes watch this yeah I think so (00:09:47) I think that place across the street is (00:09:49) a little more your speed booty bang (00:09:51) juniors (00:09:55) [Music] (00:10:04) do it for $21 its quid world owes me two (00:10:08) hundred twenty two dollars that (00:10:11) Squidward owes me I can assure that (00:10:13) there was more here than that money (00:10:18) would still smell he's dead mr. (00:10:22) Squidward Oh mr. Krabs what did I tell (00:10:26) you about having Chef Boyardee Beefaroni (00:10:29) and me restaurant mr. Krabs it's time (00:10:32) for me to stand up to you I love Chef (00:10:35) Boyardee Beefaroni and I need to have (00:10:38) some right now you're gonna be furrow (00:10:41) knee and you're owed time no Beefaroni (00:10:43) I'm the Krusty Cootes premises why do (00:10:46) you hate Beefaroni so much mr. Krabs why (00:10:49) the Ray was backing down we had just (00:10:53) finished raw doggin all the soldiers on (00:10:55) the field hos very tired and also hungry (00:10:59) went back to my cabin only to realize (00:11:02) that my old cabin mate Boyardee cooked (00:11:05) up a meal for us it was Beefaroni Libby (00:11:09) Peroni was so good it was so delectable (00:11:12) and delicious it was like the sweet (00:11:14) leafy nectar of the gods (00:11:16) so and what's the issue why can't I have (00:11:19) Beefaroni in your restaurant because mr. (00:11:22) Squidward he did the one thing that you (00:11:25) should never do to another man when he's (00:11:28) eating Beefaroni he farted on my balls (00:11:32) mr. Squidward oh yes I'll never be able (00:11:38) to enjoyable of Beefaroni ever again mr. (00:11:45) Krabs (00:11:47) nobody firown' er you're fired Wow (00:11:50) please this day can't get any worse good (00:11:52) woody could see huge fish paste hey (00:11:56) Squidward is a beaver (00:11:58) have any board yeah yeah yeah (00:12:00) [Applause] (00:12:08) [Music] (00:12:20) good morning plankton oh good morning my (00:12:25) cylinder computer girlfriend Alexa what (00:12:30) seems to be the matter (00:12:31) I just feel miserable it doesn't seem (00:12:34) quite right (00:12:35) perhaps you hungover because of your (00:12:37) chronic alcoholism well that's a part of (00:12:39) it but got this really weird feeling on (00:12:42) the inside like something's been missing (00:12:44) out of my life for a very long long time (00:12:47) you need to go see the doctor plankton (00:12:50) going to the doctor isn't gonna do me (00:12:52) any good last time I went all they did (00:12:55) was stick a thermometer up my rectum and (00:12:57) nearly shoved it out of my mouth now if (00:12:59) you'll excuse me I'm going back to my (00:13:01) shows I'm telling you Carl that was my (00:13:04) sister you slept with and I'm telling (00:13:06) you Chuck that was my sister hey what's (00:13:10) the big idea (00:13:11) no more of your shells plankton until (00:13:13) you go get some help (00:13:17) well mr. Sheldon it was just as I had (00:13:20) feared you have a severe case of shrimp (00:13:23) dick this isn't a new revelation you (00:13:25) idiot why don't you make yourself useful (00:13:27) and tell me something I don't know (00:13:29) well after running some tests it would (00:13:32) also appear that you have a severe case (00:13:34) of Cucho beetus beaches yes son for two (00:13:40) it is quite the case all these years of (00:13:43) masturbating out of my dead computer (00:13:45) wife Karin's keyboard are leaving me (00:13:47) touch list yes you need to get some (00:13:49) coochie on your dick pronto otherwise (00:13:51) Cujo beetus may lead to severe blue-ball (00:13:54) and you don't want to end up with that (00:13:56) now do you but the only place I can get (00:13:59) pootie in the town is crusty couch well (00:14:03) you need to do what you need to do oh (00:14:05) darn it all (00:14:07) well will will if it is implanted taking (00:14:12) the direct approach for me formuler now (00:14:14) away well guess what you're still not (00:14:16) kidding I've hidden it in the deep dark (00:14:19) place but you'll never find your rectum (00:14:23) isn't a secret to anyone Krabs (00:14:25) no it's cunning my rectum Krabs I'm not (00:14:28) even here for that I I need some cam (00:14:32) coochie you're here freaking coochie (00:14:35) Krabs this is serious I've got a bad (00:14:38) case of khottabych s and I need this (00:14:40) coochie series well plankton I'd be (00:14:50) happy to help your predicament but (00:14:52) there's a problem and what is that I (00:14:54) don't sell coochie small enough for you (00:14:57) lad it's a lost cause (00:14:59) so go wallow in my own self-pity at the (00:15:03) nut bucket tanks thanks for nothin Krabs (00:15:07) wait I just need to go home and RAM my (00:15:11) cylinder computer girlfriend Alexa are (00:15:19) you like that I'm jumping fantastic how (00:15:26) was it for you my cylinder computer (00:15:28) girlfriend Alexa you never even needed (00:15:30) him (00:15:32) [Music] (00:15:38) [Music] (00:15:52) welcome aboard if you are watching this (00:15:55) video then allow me to be the first to (00:15:57) say you're [ __ ] you applied and got (00:16:00) hired at the Grotius restaurant in the (00:16:02) seven seas what in Neptune's name is (00:16:05) wrong with you (00:16:06) hahaha boots blue voice - oh no mr. star (00:16:11) there will be plenty of time for that (00:16:13) never from not so humble beginnings (00:16:15) after the war in Vietnam crabs set his (00:16:18) sights on opening a strip club where he (00:16:21) was the only stripper but gradually over (00:16:24) time as all crabs do he grew tired of (00:16:26) shaking his crusty derriere one swift (00:16:29) chomp to the eole pecker and a brand (00:16:31) change later but crusty couch was born (00:16:33) sounds like a lot of holy fish paste (00:16:38) what is that sounds like a lot of hoopla (00:16:43) to make over some coochie doesn't it (00:16:45) hahaha (00:16:46) yes training does this mean I can use (00:16:49) portable voice no no you must first (00:16:53) understand the phrase horse horse yes (00:16:56) it's actually a quite complex carefully (00:16:59) organized scientifically proven code (00:17:01) people usually suck stupid oh that's (00:17:07) right [ __ ] here's a prick I'd like to (00:17:11) kick your do you think he's going to say (00:17:13) a lawn chair be testicles or see (00:17:18) Grandmama's rotting corpse Grandmama's (00:17:21) rotting corpse please haha you puss you (00:17:24) generally always let us down sanitation (00:17:27) as a new crusty couch employee you get (00:17:30) to do all the [ __ ] work and if you (00:17:32) don't comply we will fry your foreskin (00:17:34) very overly force after you've finished (00:17:37) scraping slag off the bottoms of the (00:17:39) restaurant tables you'll be ready for (00:17:41) the next phase of your training wolf (00:17:43) sour isn't it you didn't have to eat it (00:17:47) emergency situations you'll need to keep (00:17:50) your eyes peeled (00:17:51) or in cells who come in looking for some (00:17:53) coochie under the table take this (00:17:55) situation for example marry me crabs no (00:17:59) please you can usually just ignore this (00:18:06) part and it'll blow over (00:18:07) now then for the moment you've all been (00:18:09) waiting for (00:18:11) dot dot dot dot dot dot that the were (00:18:15) not doing me is a word from mr. (00:18:18) Squarepants (00:18:24) [Music] (00:18:38) he's here mr. Krabs someone is here to (00:18:42) see you are they here for me booty (00:18:45) I've been buttering meself above-market (00:18:49) now where they sure ain't here for your (00:18:51) booty I mean just look into your heavy (00:18:54) your hood if you give me with it (00:19:02) wouldn't you just look mr. Squidward (00:19:09) what is the meaning of this mr. Krabs I (00:19:13) need be furrowed II cannot stand your (00:19:17) intolerance to it any longer I'm going (00:19:20) on break I need to get my beef on (00:19:23) hello tell Eugene hello Boyardee it's (00:19:28) been quite some time hasn't it (00:19:30) how have things been since now you know (00:19:34) darn well he'll even Boyardee you (00:19:36) wrecked my whole life hordes we do this (00:19:42) day I sure do I smell it (00:19:50) get a hold of yourself man (00:19:53) now what don't you are talking about (00:19:54) your ruin Beefaroni for B you farted (00:19:58) right under my balls and rode Beefaroni (00:20:01) forever (00:20:02) you broke the gentlemen's code never (00:20:05) fight on another man's balls mr. Krabs (00:20:09) that's what this is all about I'm so (00:20:11) sorry I never know you felt this way for (00:20:14) so long well it's too late for apologies (00:20:17) now and you can't put a price on an (00:20:19) apology lower than $99.99 Eugene I never (00:20:24) mean to ruin Beefaroni for you on the (00:20:26) contrary fronting at someone's paws (00:20:29) before eating Beefaroni is a Boyardee (00:20:31) tradition where I'm a from work mr. (00:20:34) Krabs and I farted on your balls (00:20:36) don't you remember what I say fart (00:20:39) deputy (00:20:40) it was a fart of camaraderie I I don't (00:20:43) know what to say boy I don't know what (00:20:47) do I don't (00:20:51) alright enough I hope you can forgive me (00:20:55) Eugene it was simply a symbol or (00:20:58) relationship or D I'm so sorry I ever (00:21:01) doubted you what do you say we pick up (00:21:04) where we left off my thoughts exactly (00:21:06) Eugene will you marry me oh yes yes are (00:21:10) you will take me by the hand lead me to (00:21:16) the van that's you understand oh [ __ ] (00:21:21) man the voyage to the corner of the (00:21:24) globe is a real trip by this and in (00:21:34) depth the first turtle (00:21:45) [Music]