4 Parenting Experts Share Their Top Parenting Advice (Compilation Episode) (YouTube Video Transcript)

(00:00:00) Your YouTube transcript will appear here (00:00:00) the number one Health and Wellness (00:00:02) podcast J shett J shett the one the only (00:00:06) J (00:00:08) shett studies show that a child's (00:00:10) emotional intelligence and resilience is (00:00:13) strongly shaped by their parents' (00:00:15) approach to discipline and communication (00:00:18) but with so much parenting advice out (00:00:20) there it can be hard to know what really (00:00:23) works we're judged in many roles in our (00:00:25) lives but it seems we're judged the most (00:00:28) in our roles as parents there's no (00:00:31) handbook to Parenting yet we're expected (00:00:33) to never make any mistakes parenting is (00:00:37) fulfilling but challenging every stage (00:00:39) comes with new lessons today's guests (00:00:42) bring different perspectives (00:00:44) psychologists experienced parents and (00:00:47) public figures balancing family with (00:00:50) busy careers let's start with one of the (00:00:52) biggest parenting struggles discipline (00:00:55) discipline is about teaching not (00:00:58) punishing it's so important that we know (00:01:00) how to set boundaries in a way that (00:01:02) builds confidence not fear it's (00:01:05) important that we create a safe (00:01:07) supportive environment where kids can (00:01:10) learn from mistakes Dr Alisa Pressman (00:01:13) will be talking about how discipline is (00:01:15) about teaching not punishing I feel like (00:01:18) discipline is so controversial um but I (00:01:21) think of it as all feelings are welcome (00:01:23) all behaviors are not so if I had to sum (00:01:27) it up and I think we do think of (00:01:29) discipline as punishment versus teaching (00:01:31) and it's teaching because it actually (00:01:34) influences your growth and development (00:01:35) it's not just for my entertainment then (00:01:37) your kids trust you a little bit more (00:01:39) and the relationship is stronger but I (00:01:41) think the key with discipline is not (00:01:44) being afraid of how our kids react to it (00:01:48) and having the strength of purpose and (00:01:51) belief that if they do have a negative (00:01:54) reaction to it we can love them all the (00:01:56) way through it but we're not going to (00:01:58) change our minds about it cuz that's (00:02:01) where it gets messy is that if we're (00:02:03) talking all about how important the (00:02:04) relationship is and then you have this (00:02:07) limit that you set like this is my (00:02:10) expectation of you and your child (00:02:11) doesn't like it this simply like I you (00:02:14) know I take the phone away at night or (00:02:15) the iPad or (00:02:17) whatever and your child is freaking out (00:02:19) about it then you go well now I've (00:02:22) messed with the relationship and so I (00:02:25) guess I should they're crying and I need (00:02:27) to like get back in there so okay I'll (00:02:30) give you more time or whatever it is and (00:02:33) that's where we get confused I think if (00:02:35) parents really understood that feelings (00:02:37) aren't dangerous that kids aren't going (00:02:39) to say thank you for the boundaries and (00:02:41) limits that we set and that we set them (00:02:43) with the intention of physical and (00:02:45) emotional safety about not just them but (00:02:48) other people like we're not just raising (00:02:51) kids in a vacuum they have to move (00:02:53) through the world and think about (00:02:54) community and other humans and so what's (00:02:57) comfortable for them might not be (00:02:59) thoughtful to other people and so it's (00:03:01) that balance between be there for (00:03:04) yourself but also not to the extent that (00:03:07) you can't you know that you're entitled (00:03:09) and don't respect that there are other (00:03:10) people in the world I mean there's three (00:03:12) kind of parenting Styles outside of (00:03:14) neglectful which is not you know that's (00:03:16) a whole other thing but there's like the (00:03:18) permissive which is best friend (00:03:20) parenting and it is so sensitive they do (00:03:22) like you and you can play as many video (00:03:23) games as you want and all that's great (00:03:26) except for you have no nobody's steering (00:03:29) the ship and so it actually can lead to (00:03:32) anxiety and depression and a sense that (00:03:35) you are too responsible for things and (00:03:38) the other side of it is authoritarian (00:03:41) where it's fear-based and it's just (00:03:42) rules and it's just because I said so (00:03:44) but without the like I know you really (00:03:45) love doing this and I wouldn't stop you (00:03:48) from doing it if I didn't know that it (00:03:50) was better for your brain or whatever so (00:03:53) that's the middle path of like (00:03:55) authoritative where you're sensitive but (00:03:58) you stick with your limits and (00:03:59) boundaries because you know that that's (00:04:02) going to benefit your kids even when you (00:04:04) have limits and rules you want your kids (00:04:07) to know as your describing your mom that (00:04:09) they have you so if you do mess up y you (00:04:14) can still go to them to instead of being (00:04:17) terrified and so that's this weird thing (00:04:19) where it's like here are my expectations (00:04:22) also I want to name the fact that you're (00:04:25) going to blow it sometimes and I want to (00:04:27) be the person you come to yeah and (00:04:29) that's something to to say not when (00:04:31) they're struggling and I think part of (00:04:33) the reason why it's hard to get kids to (00:04:34) open up is because we try to get in (00:04:36) there when they're in the center of the (00:04:37) struggle yes instead of like building (00:04:40) the vocabulary and connection outside of (00:04:42) it so you have the conversations and you (00:04:45) give the (00:04:46) language when nobody's In the Heat of (00:04:49) the Moment so that when the Heat of the (00:04:51) Moment comes they already (00:04:54) know that they can come to you and you (00:04:56) can just say to them I can tell (00:04:58) something's going on I'm here whenever (00:05:00) or if ever mhm and then just leave space (00:05:04) A lot of times doing something with a (00:05:06) kid who's not opening up like going for (00:05:10) a drive even so they not looking at each (00:05:13) other and you know I can't think of any (00:05:16) sport right now because I'm not super (00:05:19) sporty but you know like playing I'm (00:05:22) like what is it called when one does a (00:05:24) game with someone pickle bis so you go (00:05:27) play pickle ball yeah you're playing (00:05:29) pickle ball it's going to come up but (00:05:31) you want to just like put little tiny (00:05:35) moments where you say I'm askable I'm (00:05:39) tellable and I'm not going to say (00:05:41) anything and one of the things that (00:05:42) helps is that when your kids do tell you (00:05:45) something you say thank you for telling (00:05:47) me before you have any other reaction (00:05:51) and that may be your only reaction and (00:05:53) then you give them a little space and (00:05:56) then you say is there anything I can do (00:05:58) MH with younger kids you want to be this (00:06:01) is going to sound ridiculous if you (00:06:02) don't think about animals this way but I (00:06:04) do so tell me if it resonates but you (00:06:07) kind of want to be a dog you're wagging (00:06:09) your tail when you're excited to see (00:06:10) them you're always there and you're like (00:06:12) really enthusiastic and they need that (00:06:15) but then as they get older imagine your (00:06:18) 11 to 25y old self you need to be a (00:06:22) cat so you're like a little you're there (00:06:25) you're always around you're not you (00:06:28) might you're touching their feet (00:06:30) like you're not overly on top of them (00:06:34) but if they're interested they can come (00:06:37) to you but you're not going anywhere so (00:06:40) it's like it's this safe thing where (00:06:43) you're there for them but it's it's not (00:06:46) so intense and then they have the (00:06:48) opportunity to open up a little bit and (00:06:50) when they do you don't pounce like a dog (00:06:52) you stay a cat who's like welcoming the (00:06:55) information but not you know saying oh (00:06:58) my God and then you know cuz you don't (00:07:00) want your kids to think you can't handle (00:07:04) my truth yeah so I'm not you're not the (00:07:06) person to tell yeah and I feel that's (00:07:08) the hardest time to be the cat because (00:07:10) you're scared about them getting (00:07:11) involved in the worst stuff like whether (00:07:13) it's drugs or um you know addiction to (00:07:17) social media or getting involved in the (00:07:18) wrong circles like that's the age at (00:07:20) which it's going to happen yeah it's (00:07:22) terrifying so yeah it's terrifying so (00:07:23) the and they're getting a driver's (00:07:24) license they can drink now you know as (00:07:26) you know as they get older it's like (00:07:28) it's almost like those are the times (00:07:29) where you want to be more yeah handson (00:07:33) and you are that's why I say you're (00:07:35) physically present like I think Toddlers (00:07:38) and teenagers need you more present than (00:07:41) anybody but we think teenagers are like (00:07:44) off on their own and whatever but you're (00:07:46) home like if they're going to a party (00:07:49) you're home to greet them and look into (00:07:51) their eyes so you don't need to ask if (00:07:53) they've been drinking because you will (00:07:54) know when you hug them and look in their (00:07:56) eyes and you can have a conversation in (00:07:59) a different kind of way than If you're (00:08:01) sort of like I'm out you're out I you're (00:08:05) older you you know take an Uber don't (00:08:07) drive drunk I'll see you tomorrow so I (00:08:10) think your presence is important but the (00:08:13) the the sense that you're like kind of (00:08:15) all over them verbally has you have to (00:08:18) pull back a little bit and it's (00:08:20) terrifying but if you've cultivated the (00:08:23) relationship and you've set the (00:08:25) expectations from you know (00:08:27) about substances and social media and (00:08:30) whatever it's easier but when (00:08:33) something's really bothering them what (00:08:35) they need is to know that they don't (00:08:37) have to explain it and they can just (00:08:38) come to you and be sad attachment (00:08:42) relationships are Dynamic so you aren't (00:08:45) just like it used to be we used to think (00:08:47) like you're either you know you have a (00:08:49) baby you develop the secure attachment (00:08:53) it's like a bond and that's it but we (00:08:55) know now it's Dynamic and so if you have (00:08:58) a 5-year-old or a 16-year-old or a (00:09:00) 35-year-old you can still grow that (00:09:03) healthy attachment relationship so you (00:09:05) can change our job is not to fix it's to (00:09:09) be there and that's what secure (00:09:11) attachment is even in your adult (00:09:13) relationships it's like who can sit with (00:09:16) me through all of these experiences (00:09:19) through these feelings because the idea (00:09:21) of being happy isn't really about always (00:09:25) being happy it's about knowing you can (00:09:28) come back from whatever ever it is that (00:09:30) you're going through and you will be (00:09:32) happy again and if our kids experience (00:09:34) the range of things that come their way (00:09:37) and they know that they have someone (00:09:38) sort of sitting by their side they end (00:09:42) up in this relationship that is securely (00:09:45) attached and it's not like oneand done (00:09:49) and if it didn't you know that's the (00:09:51) thing that I think is the trickiest is (00:09:53) feeling like I'm responsible for my (00:09:55) child's constant happiness I have to (00:09:58) feel ashamed if wasn't there for every (00:10:01) moment or if I couldn't fix that feeling (00:10:03) which you can't as you know and I think (00:10:06) sometimes people feel like they're maybe (00:10:08) better or worse at different stages and (00:10:10) so there's you know like this assumption (00:10:13) that we're going to kind of know what to (00:10:15) do like the idea that you do come home (00:10:17) from the hospital and you're just like (00:10:20) okay I (00:10:22) guess I just feel like in adulthood this (00:10:24) happens all the time like I remember (00:10:27) just the first time I was you know in my (00:10:29) 20s and I had my own apartment and I was (00:10:31) like wait I can just decide what I'm (00:10:35) doing I can open a bottle of wine like (00:10:37) there were things that I still was like (00:10:39) I'm it's bizarre and now like that I'm (00:10:42) the last you know person in charge of (00:10:44) whatever and there's nobody that I'm (00:10:46) supposed to ask and I can make a (00:10:47) decision I'm still kind of like is that (00:10:50) okay and so the idea that you're just (00:10:53) like in charge of raising a whole human (00:10:55) being or more is really (00:11:00) daunting and we all kind of think (00:11:02) everybody else (00:11:04) knows we don't know the next clip is (00:11:07) from Dr Daniel aan who talks about the (00:11:10) importance of presence and emotional (00:11:13) connection he talks about this special (00:11:15) time technique which is the importance (00:11:18) of 20 minutes a day of uninterrupted (00:11:21) physical time with children plus active (00:11:23) listening he talks about the need to set (00:11:26) firm loving boundaries with consistent (00:11:29) follow through and small intentional (00:11:32) actions that make a big difference in (00:11:35) connection if you want to have influence (00:11:38) with your children if you want them to (00:11:41) seriously consider your values you have (00:11:44) to be connected with them and what does (00:11:47) that take time like actual physical time (00:11:51) where you're not on your phone but you (00:11:54) put the phone away and you spend 20 (00:11:56) minutes a day with a child so there's an (00:11:59) ex exercise I talk about in the book (00:12:01) that I love so much (00:12:04) that you know all the things I've (00:12:06) recommended to my patients over the last (00:12:08) 45 years when I decided to be a (00:12:11) psychiatrist 45 years ago special time (00:12:14) it's magic and 20 minutes a day do (00:12:19) something with your child child wants to (00:12:21) do that's reasonable you can do in 20 (00:12:23) minutes so it's like not take me to (00:12:25) Nordstroms and during that time no (00:12:28) commands no questions no directions it's (00:12:33) just time to be together and it's money (00:12:37) in the relational bank and I remember (00:12:41) when I first figured this out my (00:12:44) literary agent uh had a child later in (00:12:48) life we were talking on the phone and (00:12:50) he's like my daughter Laura doesn't want (00:12:53) to have anything to do with me and she's (00:12:55) to and he said that's like a girl thing (00:12:58) right a mother daughter thing they don't (00:13:00) want anything I'm like no Carl you're (00:13:02) ignoring her what what do you mean I'm (00:13:04) ignor I'm like you're ignoring her do (00:13:07) this and he said that won't work I'm (00:13:10) like oh great you represent an idiot my (00:13:13) own literary agent won't do what I say (00:13:16) do it in fact I'm going to put you in my (00:13:19) schedule for three weeks I'm going to (00:13:21) call you get the party (00:13:23) started and so three weeks go by I call (00:13:26) him up (00:13:28) Carl Daniel she won't leave me alone as (00:13:32) soon as I walk in the door she grabs my (00:13:34) leg and wants her time all she wants to (00:13:37) do is be with (00:13:39) me I'm like that's the problem that's (00:13:42) what we wanton right that's what we're (00:13:44) after so actual physical time and now (00:13:48) parents are so busy they're not spending (00:13:53) this one on-one alone time listening so (00:13:57) that's the second part of it so time (00:13:59) actual physical time and shut up I it's (00:14:03) so important so you you love them so (00:14:06) much you want to pour all of your (00:14:09) knowledge all of your wisdom that you (00:14:12) worked your whole life on and download (00:14:14) it into their head don't do that listen (00:14:18) to them and therapists learned this (00:14:20) technique called active listening that (00:14:23) whenever someone says something you (00:14:25) don't interrupt and tell them how to (00:14:27) think you repeat it back and you listen (00:14:32) for the feelings behind the words so if (00:14:36) my son came home and said Dad I want to (00:14:38) have blue hair I don't know what your (00:14:40) father would have said but I know what (00:14:42) mine would have said no when as long as (00:14:45) you live in this house you can have blue (00:14:47) hair yeah but what does that do it just (00:14:50) stops the conversation or it starts a (00:14:53) fight active listening teaches you (00:14:56) repeat back what you hear oh you want to (00:14:58) have blue hair and then be quiet long (00:15:02) enough for them to like explain what's (00:15:05) really going on and he might say all the (00:15:08) kids are wearing their hair (00:15:10) blue now I've been to a school I know (00:15:13) not everybody's blue-headed (00:15:15) and if I would have said that to my dad (00:15:17) I don't know what your dad would have (00:15:18) said I don't care what anybody else is (00:15:21) doing as long as you live in this house (00:15:22) you're not going to have blue hair if (00:15:24) they're G to jump off a bridge are you (00:15:26) going with them that one for sure I've (00:15:28) heard that plenty of do and what does it (00:15:32) do stops the conversation or it starts a (00:15:35) fight sounds like you want to be like (00:15:38) the other kids completely different (00:15:41) conversation but that's and he might say (00:15:45) dad you know sometimes I feel like I (00:15:46) don't fit in now my mother would have (00:15:48) said what do you mean you don't fit in (00:15:50) of course you fit in you're a good boy (00:15:51) you're a good-looking boy you're nice (00:15:54) boy and that's not helpful either what's (00:15:57) just helpful is so some times you feel (00:15:59) like you don't fit in and then give it a (00:16:02) breath so they're the ones solving their (00:16:07) problem now at the end of a half an hour (00:16:09) he says I still want to have blue hair (00:16:11) I'm going to tell him no way in hell as (00:16:12) long as you live in my house because (00:16:16) it's not cool to look weird I mean if (00:16:18) you look weird you're going to hang out (00:16:19) with weird people right it's okay to (00:16:22) have (00:16:24) boundaries around Behavior some parents (00:16:26) they have like no boundaries and I I (00:16:29) think some boundaries are appropriate (00:16:32) what does loving discipline look like (00:16:34) because I think it's it sounds good like (00:16:36) we're all like yeah I would I would love (00:16:38) to be disciplined but I'd love to be (00:16:39) loving and often we don't even figure (00:16:41) out what that means in the workplace let (00:16:43) alone with kids we're either loving or (00:16:45) disciplined but we're not I think it (00:16:47) should be both what does it look like (00:16:50) well you know we haven't gotten to rules (00:16:52) I I think families should have them (00:16:54) Society has rules uh like tell the truth (00:16:59) do what Mom and Dad say the first time I (00:17:01) love that rule uh because do you know (00:17:04) your chance of abusing the child if you (00:17:06) tell a child to do something five times (00:17:08) your chance of abusing that child just (00:17:10) went up significantly and so if you have (00:17:14) the (00:17:15) expectation they'll do things the first (00:17:18) time it's like Caitlyn take you know I (00:17:21) want you to take out the trash like in (00:17:23) the next half hour and if she doesn't (00:17:26) it's like sweetheart you have a choice (00:17:29) you can take it out now or you can have (00:17:32) this consequence and then you can take (00:17:34) it out I don't care it's up to you and I (00:17:36) love that part of not being attached to (00:17:39) it I love her I'm really clear and she's (00:17:43) getting that consequence if she doesn't (00:17:44) move stop threatening them and then not (00:17:48) following through uh because you teach (00:17:52) them that you have to tell them and get (00:17:55) angry and be a bit crazy in order for (00:17:58) them to do what you asked them to do and (00:18:02) I I I like the rules and rhythms and (00:18:03) routines I remember in my home after (00:18:06) dinner me and my sister would clean up (00:18:08) and we had a little rotor of who washed (00:18:10) up that day and who cleaned the table (00:18:11) that day and it was just something that (00:18:13) went around every day we take it in (00:18:15) turns and my sister was four years (00:18:17) younger than me and we just do it (00:18:19) together and it became this thing that (00:18:20) we just did and it became natural became (00:18:22) a habit and it made us accountable and (00:18:24) responsible to each other as well as (00:18:26) well as our parents and it was a really (00:18:28) neat way of (00:18:29) kind of giving us that rules and you (00:18:31) know I think sometimes we think of rules (00:18:32) as like strict rules and guidelines but (00:18:35) actually it can be just a rhythm and a (00:18:37) routine in and it's building confidence (00:18:40) and skill and you're part of the family (00:18:44) rather than you're (00:18:46) entitled to live in that family yeah (00:18:49) yeah and the earlier you start the the (00:18:52) better it is um for kids I mean it's (00:18:56) it's hard if you not spend any time with (00:18:58) children by the time they're 14 their (00:19:01) friends are more important than you are (00:19:04) and that's the heartbreaking thing I've (00:19:06) learned is if you're not spending time (00:19:11) with them their friends will take your (00:19:13) place and they may not have the advice (00:19:17) they may not have the right ear for you (00:19:21) and it makes them more vulnerable to all (00:19:24) the scary stuff that's on social media (00:19:28) you're about to hear from Kim Kardashian (00:19:31) and this is really about parenting in (00:19:33) the public eye now you may not have a (00:19:36) life in the public eye but you may (00:19:37) wonder what other parents think about (00:19:39) you you may feel judged about what (00:19:41) family members think about how you (00:19:43) parent and we all feel like we live in (00:19:46) this bubble of people's constant (00:19:47) opinions expectations and obligations of (00:19:51) what a good parent should look like in (00:19:54) this segment you will hear about how Kim (00:19:56) balances career Fame and raising (00:19:59) grounded kids she talks a lot about (00:20:01) overcoming mom guilt and being present (00:20:04) with her kids even with a busy schedule (00:20:06) and a busy work life I think this is (00:20:09) something a lot of you may be able to (00:20:10) relate to and connect with she also (00:20:12) talks about the importance of open (00:20:14) Communication in navigating tough (00:20:17) conversations and she talks about how (00:20:19) she creates a sense of normaly despite (00:20:21) being in the public eye and having such (00:20:24) a big brand mom guilt is probably the (00:20:27) hardest thing I think think that you (00:20:30) have to also separate though and (00:20:33) understand that you need your own bit of (00:20:35) Sanity so you have to do what makes you (00:20:39) happy you have to working for me I love (00:20:42) working so that makes me happy anytime I (00:20:44) think something's really hard I dive (00:20:46) into work and or if there's challenges (00:20:49) like I love to dive into my work and (00:20:51) that's like a bit of my therapy and my (00:20:53) routine to keep me going but I think you (00:20:56) know I have chats with my girlfriends (00:20:58) when our kids are having tantrums and (00:21:00) there could be things going on that we (00:21:03) don't even know about and you feel like (00:21:06) you're the worst mom if something's (00:21:09) going on and you can't fix it you have (00:21:12) no idea how to change it your kids are (00:21:15) fighting whatever it is and my friends (00:21:18) and I will text each other and be like (00:21:20) in tears literally locking ourselves in (00:21:24) the room like away from a kid having a (00:21:26) tantrum when that's not what you should (00:21:28) do you should go and lean into them and (00:21:30) but sometimes it's so overwhelming that (00:21:33) was probably the only time I'd be hard (00:21:35) on myself is am I a good mom I try to do (00:21:40) everything and I think how to balance (00:21:42) work with that is when you're home being (00:21:45) really present kids all they want is (00:21:48) time they just want your time yeah you (00:21:51) can give them all these amazing big (00:21:53) experiences and they'll remember them (00:21:54) and they're great but they'll always (00:21:56) remember you being present and I think (00:21:59) that's just the most important thing in (00:22:01) all of your relationships think about (00:22:03) what a kid wants a kid just wants your (00:22:05) time so why wouldn't everyone else you (00:22:09) have to kind of treat everyone like that (00:22:11) if you want these like (00:22:13) meaningful relationships in your life (00:22:16) and you have to be present and it's okay (00:22:18) to feel like you are not (00:22:23) 100% at being the best mom I say this (00:22:27) all the time we there's no manual they (00:22:30) do not come with a manual everyone's (00:22:32) doing the best that they can and I just (00:22:34) feel so lucky that I have a good group (00:22:36) of girlfriends and all of our kids are (00:22:39) experiencing different things from I (00:22:42) mean imagine all the things that they a (00:22:45) divorce everything that they have to go (00:22:47) through were okay they will be okay and (00:22:50) they will feel the love and support and (00:22:52) that's all you can do it'll be okay I'll (00:22:55) talk to my kids about anything they want (00:22:56) to ask me about I am so open and honest (00:22:59) with my kids I think that's the only way (00:23:02) to be and it could be things that they (00:23:05) might not understand and I'll wait to (00:23:08) find the appropriate time to talk about (00:23:10) it I think they grew up seeing the (00:23:12) cameras and they grew up seeing that (00:23:14) even as babies you know we'd walk out (00:23:17) and there'd be Paparazzi so it's not (00:23:19) really something that they acknowledge a (00:23:21) lot but you know my daughter's really (00:23:24) vocal she'll tell them when she doesn't (00:23:25) want them around and to leave her alone (00:23:27) and to stop and I love that they use (00:23:30) their little voices but they also have (00:23:32) such a normal life and such a different (00:23:35) life away from all of that too and (00:23:38) that's why I love that my sisters and I (00:23:40) all had babies at the same time so they (00:23:42) can be with each other and have these (00:23:44) experiences together what's the biggest (00:23:46) lesson you learned from your mom that (00:23:47) you're trying to pass on to the kids I (00:23:48) think just how she makes people feel (00:23:51) really heard and welcomed she really is (00:23:55) the most warm welcoming person and it's (00:23:57) just like her overall it seems (00:23:59) superficial but it's not like her party (00:24:02) planning skills it's not even that it's (00:24:05) just the (00:24:06) welcoming of I don't even know if these (00:24:09) are words I'm saying but like just her (00:24:11) ability to be so warm and to make (00:24:14) everyone feel like they were invited (00:24:16) here I'm going to create this like (00:24:18) special Easter dinner with like the (00:24:21) things on the table you know that she (00:24:23) had when we were growing up at my dad's (00:24:25) house like she just has all this like (00:24:27) really special and nostalgic stuff (00:24:30) around all the time and always tries to (00:24:32) make everyone feel so special but with (00:24:34) like a gathering so that everyone feels (00:24:37) comfortable and can hang around like she (00:24:39) just loves people in her space and loves (00:24:41) to create these memories and I think (00:24:43) that we all got that from her and we (00:24:46) will all if I can just pass that on to (00:24:48) my kids just the the experiences that we (00:24:52) have as a family whether we're just (00:24:54) sitting in our pajamas and hanging out (00:24:57) we make the time to be together (00:24:59) and I hope that my kids want to make the (00:25:02) time to be together when they grow up (00:25:04) with their cousins and their aunts and (00:25:08) just the whole family I'm sure they will (00:25:11) yeah I think they will they will yeah I (00:25:12) think I think you've managed to hold on (00:25:14) to it in your entire generation and so (00:25:17) yeah they see that I think kids mirror (00:25:19) so much of yeah what they see around (00:25:21) them and I remember when I met my wife (00:25:23) her grandma is her favorite human on the (00:25:25) planet and it's really interesting how (00:25:27) when someone you love you know who their (00:25:29) favorite human is yeah you automatically (00:25:32) start loving them yeah and I wasn't (00:25:33) really close to my grandparents but I'm (00:25:35) closer to R's grandp like Grandma and I (00:25:37) am to my own grandparents because you (00:25:39) see your love for the person that you (00:25:41) love and so I think when your kids see (00:25:44) the love that you have for your sisters (00:25:45) and your cousins and your aunts and (00:25:47) uncles and now if only all my kids can (00:25:50) love their siblings that would be (00:25:52) amazing they're in a fighting phase yeah (00:25:55) yeah did you and you guys went through (00:25:56) that phase I'm sure througho still going (00:25:59) on the yeah still going on never ending (00:26:03) that's never going to stop this next (00:26:04) segment is from Jessica Alba where she (00:26:07) talks about motherhood and personal (00:26:09) growth a big part of what she shares is (00:26:12) how motherhood reshaped her career and (00:26:15) priorities maybe you've just started a (00:26:17) new job maybe you started a new side (00:26:20) hustle maybe you just had your first (00:26:22) child and everything's changing or maybe (00:26:26) your kids just left the home all of (00:26:28) these transitions impact the way we work (00:26:31) live and think it affects our (00:26:33) relationship with our spouse our partner (00:26:35) whoever that may be and it impacts our (00:26:38) relationship with our work in this (00:26:40) segment Jessica Alber talks about how (00:26:42) she teaches her kids resilience (00:26:44) selfworth and using success for good she (00:26:48) also talks about how she's trying and (00:26:50) been able to find balance between her (00:26:52) personal Ambitions and family life I (00:26:55) think this is such an important thing (00:26:57) that we're all trying to juggle and it (00:26:59) will really resonate with you you know I (00:27:01) think because it was such a struggle and (00:27:04) so hard for my parents they were young (00:27:06) when they had me and every day was a (00:27:09) very it was a very kind of tumultuous (00:27:12) environment just because they were in (00:27:14) survival mode every day struggling to (00:27:17) get by and they also didn't have (00:27:20) necessarily the maturity or the tools to (00:27:24) have context like this podcast right (00:27:27) there wasn't this podcast my parents (00:27:29) were you know young there were we live (00:27:32) now in a culture where um so many so (00:27:36) much of the stuff that just wasn't sort (00:27:38) of serving Humanity has been broken down (00:27:41) and there's this generation um that's (00:27:44) sort of thinking through (00:27:47) like I guess sort of like yes we built (00:27:51) these civilizations based off of like (00:27:55) necessity a lot of these things that are (00:27:57) power and ego driven (00:27:59) right um but now we're in a place where (00:28:01) it's more about compassion mindfulness (00:28:05) right openness and that's how we're (00:28:07) going to thrive and and you know (00:28:10) continue to thrive as as a human race um (00:28:14) and and so I (00:28:16) think you know for my kids I try to (00:28:21) exemplify uh whatever that is and and at (00:28:24) the same time you know they are very (00:28:26) aware of my faults right they're very (00:28:28) very aware that I you know get stressed (00:28:31) and I you know get irritable and I don't (00:28:34) sleep enough and all of those things um (00:28:38) but you know we have a we have a (00:28:40) dialogue about it and and you know I try (00:28:43) to create a space of compassion um (00:28:48) obviously for for them but also you know (00:28:52) just for them to to sort of like know (00:28:55) that I'm trying I think I just wanted uh (00:28:59) peace and I wanted security and I wanted (00:29:02) a sense of um Financial Security to me (00:29:05) meant that uh you could then have peace (00:29:09) and not be so stressed out I also knew (00:29:13) that like my parents in a lot of ways (00:29:15) were just sort of like products of (00:29:18) certain systems when you have to support (00:29:21) a (00:29:22) family how can you sort of like get (00:29:25) ahead um and they were learning as they (00:29:28) were going you know sort of like flying (00:29:30) the plane and fixing it at the same time (00:29:33) it wasn't until I became a parent I (00:29:34) think that I had I really understood how (00:29:38) difficult it was for them um just being (00:29:41) so young and not necessarily having the (00:29:43) tools and not having you know their a (00:29:47) setup right to thrive I felt like I had (00:29:51) a I had a purpose I didn't know what it (00:29:53) was I came from very simple humble um (00:29:57) family what I done in my life and what (00:29:59) I've I've achieved was in no way shape (00:30:01) or form given to me handed to me I mean (00:30:04) I think if anything there was nothing (00:30:06) but blocks and challenges and walls and (00:30:09) reasons why I shouldn't dream or even (00:30:12) have the audacity to think that I could (00:30:14) become anything every stage I of every (00:30:17) piece of my life I I feel like I'm (00:30:19) always looking to be better and do (00:30:21) better so when I actually got the (00:30:24) opportunity to be an actress and um I (00:30:27) started work on the on a regular basis I (00:30:31) prayed a lot you know whether it's God (00:30:32) or Spirit or whatever it is that people (00:30:34) pray to um I felt like if I could just (00:30:37) Channel like I want to do good I know (00:30:40) I'm here to do good I'm not sure what (00:30:42) that end goal is but I promise that if I (00:30:44) get any breakthrough um I will do good (00:30:48) with with my success and I always (00:30:51) attributed success with with being able (00:30:54) to do good and uh and then when I became (00:30:56) a mom um (00:30:58) you know that really my sense of self (00:31:03) and I would say my insecurities as a (00:31:05) person um over silly things kept me I (00:31:10) think from fully realizing my potential (00:31:12) before I became a mom but when I became (00:31:13) a mom those insecurities sort of went (00:31:15) away I hope you took away a lot of (00:31:17) practical emotional advice and insight (00:31:20) from this episode and here are some of (00:31:22) my takeaways parenting isn't about being (00:31:26) perfect it's about being present present (00:31:29) and growing together I think when we (00:31:30) have that pressure of perfection we (00:31:33) actually sometimes act out in negative (00:31:35) ways even towards children that pressure (00:31:38) of perfection becomes why we're angry (00:31:41) really we're angry at ourselves but (00:31:43) we're taking it out on that child that (00:31:46) stress that we carry of wanting to be (00:31:48) perfect parents and be perfect all the (00:31:50) time makes us act in ways that we don't (00:31:53) love afterwards and we might regret (00:31:55) whether it's setting boundaries building (00:31:57) strong connections or balancing life (00:31:59) today's insights show we're not alone in (00:32:02) this journey every single person who's (00:32:04) app parent is struggling with what we've (00:32:07) talked about today it doesn't matter how (00:32:09) many resources you have it doesn't (00:32:10) matter what access you have everyone is (00:32:13) going through and up and down and I (00:32:15) think we can also relate to that through (00:32:17) having being kids in our lives if you (00:32:19) think back to being a child I'm sure (00:32:21) your parents had ups and downs I'm sure (00:32:23) they had days weeks months and years (00:32:25) that were challenging it's natural for (00:32:27) you to do that as well sometimes we're (00:32:30) trying so hard not to be our parents (00:32:33) that we end up repeating the same (00:32:35) mistakes I hope that this episode (00:32:37) resonated with you I hope you'll share (00:32:39) it with a parent who needs to hear it I (00:32:41) hope you'll listen to it with your (00:32:43) friends who are parents as well so you (00:32:45) can find a space to be vulnerable open (00:32:48) and connect more deeply thank you so (00:32:50) much for listening if you love this (00:32:52) episode you will enjoy my interview with (00:32:54) Dr Daniel aan on how to change your life (00:32:57) by changing your brain if we want a (00:33:00) healthy mind it actually starts with a (00:33:04) healthy brain you know I've had the (00:33:06) blessing or the curse to scan over a (00:33:09) thousand convicted felons and over a (00:33:12) hundred murderers and their brains are (00:33:14) very damaged