The psychology TRICKS that get people talking with Evy Poumpouras | Meet your Maestro | BBC Maestro (YouTube Video Transcript)

(00:00:00) Your YouTube transcript will appear here (00:00:00) When I did interviews and (00:00:01) interrogations, the majority of the (00:00:03) time, nobody wanted to speak with me. (00:00:06) Often they would enter the room and they (00:00:08) wouldn't say much or they'd give me (00:00:10) really short answers, sometimes clipped. (00:00:13) My goal was to get information from (00:00:16) them. And I also needed to read them. (00:00:18) But to read someone, I had to elicit (00:00:21) more (00:00:23) communication. Think about how you talk (00:00:26) to (00:00:27) people. Think about the lines of (00:00:29) communication. We want them opened and (00:00:32) we want them truthful, right? We want to (00:00:34) get a really good read on people. We (00:00:36) want them unfiltered as much as (00:00:38) possible. And even with the most (00:00:40) tight-lipped people, there's a way to (00:00:42) get them to talk. One of the things I (00:00:45) would use in the interview room were (00:00:47) open-ended questions. An open-ended (00:00:50) question is when I ask you something, (00:00:52) and by asking you it, I'm inviting you (00:00:55) to tell me a story. I'm inviting you to (00:00:58) talk, guys. We just want people to talk. (00:01:02) Sometimes I don't care what they're (00:01:04) talking about. Just get them talking. (00:01:07) You know why? Cuz you're going to be (00:01:08) able to get their baseline. Don't worry (00:01:11) about what they're saying as long as (00:01:13) they're communicating with you. So, for (00:01:16) example, TED is great. TED is T E D. (00:01:22) Tell (00:01:22) me, (00:01:24) explain, describe. This is gold. If you (00:01:28) are in a scenario where you have no idea (00:01:31) how to get somebody to talk, you just (00:01:33) drop one of these. Tell me about (00:01:36) yourself. Explain to me what you're (00:01:38) looking for. Describe to me what you (00:01:39) would like. Use this on a date. Get (00:01:42) people to talk. In fact, when you go on (00:01:45) a date, you talk less. You listen, (00:01:48) right? We want them talking, you (00:01:50) listening. Why? Because I want you to (00:01:51) read the person in front of you so that (00:01:53) you know, do I continue or am I wasting (00:01:55) my time, right? People will reveal (00:01:58) themselves to us when we do something (00:02:00) like this. But if you ask closeended (00:02:03) questions, oh, where'd you grow up? (00:02:06) What's your mom like? What's your dad (00:02:08) like? What's your hometown? What's your (00:02:10) career? They're clipped. I can give you (00:02:12) short answers, but when you give them a (00:02:14) tell me about yourself, let them go. And (00:02:17) here's the amazing thing. You don't know (00:02:19) where they're going to go. So, instead (00:02:20) of you guessing and putting in so much (00:02:23) work to figure out what's going on with (00:02:25) this person, let them tell you. And you (00:02:28) know what else they're going to do? (00:02:29) They're going to pick points in their (00:02:31) life that matter to them. And you can (00:02:35) pick that up just from having normal (00:02:37) conversation with people. Hi, what's (00:02:39) your name? Hey, I'm Evie. Good to meet (00:02:40) you. Oh, Evie, where are you from? I'm (00:02:42) from Queens, New York. Best place in the (00:02:44) world. Where are you from? Right? You're (00:02:46) getting somebody's tone, their essence. (00:02:50) And as you're talking to them, in those (00:02:51) first few minutes, you're seeing what (00:02:54) they do with their head, with their (00:02:55) hands, how they move. If you guys are (00:02:57) paying attention to me this whole time, (00:02:59) I use my hands a lot, right? I'm an (00:03:01) illustrator. Also, you should know at (00:03:03) this point, I make eye contact quite a (00:03:05) bit. I look at you when I talk to you. (00:03:08) It's my default. The other thing you (00:03:10) should have picked up by now is that (00:03:11) when I try to remember something, you (00:03:13) may see me break eye contact. When I (00:03:15) often when I try to recall, my eyes go (00:03:18) up. You may see me go this way. You may (00:03:20) see me go this way. It's almost like I'm (00:03:22) looking at my internal rolodex in my (00:03:24) head as I'm trying to remember (00:03:27) things. Boom. You've got my baseline. (00:03:30) Keep the flow of communication going. I (00:03:33) want you to not do these three things. (00:03:37) It's (00:03:38) important. Don't cut people off. Don't (00:03:41) finish their (00:03:42) sentences. And don't correct them in (00:03:44) front of other people. We tracking. Let (00:03:47) me explain (00:03:48) why. When you cut somebody off, you are (00:03:53) diminishing what they're saying. You're (00:03:56) interrupting their train of thought. You (00:03:58) are maybe doing it in front of a group (00:04:00) of people. And what message does that (00:04:02) send to that person about themselves and (00:04:04) how others see them? Let people go. This (00:04:07) takes a lot of restraint because (00:04:08) sometimes we just want to jump in. (00:04:12) What's the goal here? It's not about (00:04:14) you. It is about (00:04:16) them. It is about how you make other (00:04:18) people feel. That's really what this is (00:04:21) at the end of the day. How do people (00:04:23) feel when they're around you? And if you (00:04:25) are constantly cutting people (00:04:27) off, they're not going to feel really (00:04:29) good about themselves, are they? They're (00:04:31) not going to want to be around you. (00:04:33) They're not going to want to work with (00:04:34) you, do business with you. They're (00:04:36) probably not going to want to date you. (00:04:39) Right? (00:04:40) Second thing is don't finish people's (00:04:43) sentences. You know what I'm talking (00:04:45) about. Someone's having a conversation (00:04:47) with you and as they're speaking you (00:04:49) think you know what they're about to (00:04:51) say. Oh yeah yeah yeah. You were going (00:04:53) to say blah blah blah blah. How often (00:04:55) first of all does it happen when they (00:04:56) say no actually I was going (00:05:01) here. When you do that you derail (00:05:05) people's train of thought you also take (00:05:07) them somewhere else and you hurt your (00:05:09) credibility. The truth is you don't know (00:05:11) what people are going to say. So even if (00:05:13) they're going to say something that you (00:05:15) think you know (00:05:17) already, let them. You don't have to (00:05:20) interrupt them. Cuz again, if we go back (00:05:22) to who matters, they matter. And if it (00:05:25) makes them feel heard and understood, (00:05:27) let them speak. You're also sending the (00:05:29) message to someone that they matter to (00:05:32) you. It's not about what you say. Here's (00:05:35) the thing. We don't tell people, "Hey, (00:05:37) you matter to me. Hey, you're of value (00:05:39) to me. Hey, I care about you. Hey, I (00:05:42) care about this relationship. We don't (00:05:44) tell, we show. And there's no better way (00:05:46) to show people that we care about them (00:05:48) than when we let them speak. When we (00:05:50) don't cut them off, when we don't (00:05:52) interrupt them. Which leads me to my (00:05:54) third point. Don't correct people unless (00:05:57) you have to. This is important when you (00:06:00) do big meetings or in front of other (00:06:02) people. I cannot tell you how many times (00:06:05) I will go to a corporate meeting or a (00:06:07) group of people and someone will say (00:06:09) something wrong or make a mistake and in (00:06:12) front of everybody that person is (00:06:15) corrected. Often times these are small (00:06:17) mistakes. They're little. Let them go. (00:06:20) You can always pull the person aside (00:06:22) later and say, "Hey, do you know that (00:06:23) thing you said before? It was actually (00:06:26) incorrect." So unless somebody really (00:06:29) botches something and you actually have (00:06:31) to correct it, leave it alone. Most of (00:06:33) the time they're really irrelevant (00:06:35) things. There's a term for this. It's (00:06:37) called preserve people's dignity. (00:06:39) Anytime we're called out, and I'm sure (00:06:41) you've had it happen to you, and there's (00:06:43) a group of people, kind of takes us down (00:06:45) a little bit. It diminishes us. Also, (00:06:48) when we get called out like that, even (00:06:50) if they're good intentions, we are less (00:06:52) likely to speak again later, are we not? (00:06:54) We're less likely to share, to open up. (00:06:56) We may even resent that person. But when (00:06:59) you can pull somebody aside and say, (00:07:00) "Hey, that thing you mentioned earlier, (00:07:02) it's actually this. It's okay. I didn't (00:07:04) want to bring it up in front of the (00:07:05) whole group, but now you (00:07:07) know." These are key things that we can (00:07:10) do to help our relationships flourish. (00:07:13) It's always (00:07:14) interesting. A lot of people think (00:07:17) influence is all these magical things (00:07:19) that you're going to throw in and all (00:07:21) these secrets to get people to connect (00:07:23) with you when the majority of it is you (00:07:25) doing less. It's you saying less and you (00:07:28) really giving the podium to other people (00:07:32) to stand on and (00:07:35) speak. You may think, well, everybody (00:07:37) else is taking the shine. No, they're (00:07:39) not. You are getting information. You (00:07:41) are a gatherer of intelligence. You are (00:07:44) your own CIA. And would you believe that (00:07:46) often the words that actually come out (00:07:48) of our mouth have the least impact on (00:07:51) people. It's not what you say, it's how (00:07:54) you say it. That's how the intelligence (00:07:56) community works. We're not talkers. We (00:07:58) gather. I want to know what this guy's (00:08:00) thinking. I want to know what she's up (00:08:02) to. I want to know what they're doing. I (00:08:04) want to know. And when I know and I have (00:08:07) information and I have the intelligence (00:08:10) to make decisions about who I want to (00:08:12) work with, who I want to steer clear of, (00:08:14) who I can trust, who's going to be (00:08:16) shady, who I want to date, maybe who I (00:08:19) want to marry. This is how we move (00:08:21) through the world. But you can't move (00:08:22) through it with blinders on. All I'm (00:08:25) trying to do is get those blinders off (00:08:27) so that you can see clearly.