A CHALLENGE NO CHILD SHOULD EVER SEE ALTERIK MILLER EP. 18 (YouTube Video Transcript)

(00:00:00) Your YouTube transcript will appear here (00:00:08) He was watching YouTube Kids and it was (00:00:11) a cartoon. It was in a cartoon for him (00:00:13) and it it taught him how to hang (00:00:14) himself. (00:00:18) I go in and he's hanging from the bunk (00:00:20) bed. Um, [music] (00:00:22) take him off. [snorts] (00:00:25) I'm like, "Hey, just put [music] your (00:00:26) thumb up. Just, you know, put your thumb (00:00:28) up for me." But I just don't know. (00:00:33) >> You've dealt [music] with trauma, your (00:00:36) mother, your father, your son. How does (00:00:39) that not break you, brother? (00:00:43) He wasn't the only kid that was a victim (00:00:46) from this [music] social media (00:00:46) challenge. It's called the hangman (00:00:48) challenge. Um, it basically teaches kids (00:00:50) how to hang themselves and a lot [music] (00:00:52) of other kids have died. (00:00:57) [music] (00:00:58) There was there was times when I'm like, (00:00:59) man, why am I still here? Like, and I I (00:01:03) question God, man. Times I'm like, why (00:01:05) are you putting me through all of this? (00:01:07) Welcome to Beauty and the Beast, where (00:01:09) we create a safe haven for black men to (00:01:12) engage in deep [music] conversations and (00:01:14) share their journeys in a judgmentfree (00:01:17) space. In each episode, we dive [music] (00:01:19) into topics that matter. This is a space (00:01:21) where your story is valued, your voice (00:01:23) is heard, and your journey is shared (00:01:24) with others who, [music] like you, may (00:01:26) feel alone in the world. Let's break the (00:01:28) myth that black men are beasts. Welcome (00:01:31) to Beauty and the Beast. Let's start the (00:01:33) conversation. (00:01:44) >> I hadn't seen that. (00:01:45) >> Yeah, (00:01:46) >> I hadn't seen. They also got the the (00:01:48) other brand, Lee Cox Botif. (00:01:50) >> Mhm. (00:01:51) >> Yeah. That was a French tennis brand (00:01:53) >> back in the day. (00:01:54) >> Yeah. J French (00:01:57) >> used to wear that back in the day. (00:01:59) >> What's that? (00:01:59) >> Dame Dash has a he's part of old sneaker (00:02:03) company. I think it's like (00:02:04) >> he starts with like (00:02:07) >> I haven't heard that one. (00:02:08) >> Yeah, he's he's part of he's part of a (00:02:10) sneaker company as well. And I was like, (00:02:11) damn. Like that's a lot of old sneakers (00:02:13) that I never heard of, but they they (00:02:15) look dope. All right. (00:02:16) >> Yeah. (00:02:17) >> So, as you can hear, all three of us are (00:02:19) sneakerheads. Yeah. (00:02:20) >> Um, welcome to Beauty and the Beast (00:02:23) podcast. I appreciate you, brother. (00:02:25) Alter Bill Miller. Uh, well, we'll get (00:02:28) into your accolades in a second, but um, (00:02:31) this is season 3 for us. Can you believe (00:02:34) that, bro? It's hard to believe, man, (00:02:36) but it's uh, it's definitely a blessing. (00:02:38) And, uh, so I'm I'm excited to get back (00:02:40) into it, find out about my man Alter (00:02:43) since we're meeting for the first time. (00:02:44) You already done teed up some stuff that (00:02:46) you teasing me about like (00:02:49) fall back. (00:02:50) >> Let's go ahead and jump into it. So, Mr. (00:02:53) Alter Miller, (00:02:55) >> we recently met at ABF. (00:02:59) >> Yeah. Like for the first time in person (00:03:01) back in June. (00:03:02) >> Um, (00:03:02) >> and what is ABF? (00:03:04) >> Uh, the American Black Film Festival. (00:03:07) Um, held every year during Father's Day (00:03:09) weekend in Miami, Florida. They're (00:03:10) actually about to do some pop-ups, so (00:03:12) they're about to come to Atlanta. (00:03:13) >> Yep. um soon. So, we'll see. But here's (00:03:17) how I describe you and I know you. (00:03:20) You're a father, your husband, your (00:03:23) friend, (00:03:25) your screenwriter, (00:03:28) filmmaker, (00:03:29) and sneaker head. (00:03:30) >> Yes. (00:03:31) >> Right. [snorts] (00:03:32) So, how we like to start this thing out (00:03:34) is we want to understand (00:03:38) what in your childhood set you on the (00:03:42) path to be all the things that I just (00:03:44) talked about. Um, (00:03:47) it's it's [snorts] my dad honestly. Uh, (00:03:49) he he basically raised me by himself. (00:03:53) Um, I was a I don't know I don't know (00:03:55) what it's called down here, but I'm a D (00:03:57) I'm a Dus baby. (00:03:58) >> Okay. Um that's uh like when when your (00:04:01) ch when a child is hurt in the in the (00:04:03) custody of of their parents, the state (00:04:05) takes you out and puts you with another (00:04:07) family. [clears throat] (00:04:08) >> So um up up in up in Jersey, it's called (00:04:10) Dyus. And um (00:04:12) >> my mother, she had mental problems and (00:04:14) uh she when I was seven, she beat me in (00:04:16) the head with a hammer. And my dad (00:04:18) wasn't there, but he since he was in (00:04:22) that household, they took me out and he (00:04:25) had to go through a bunch of different (00:04:27) like programs, learning how to, you (00:04:28) know, better parent and whatnot. And my (00:04:30) mom went to jail and um then he got me (00:04:33) back and it's it's crazy cuz I always (00:04:35) before he passed away, I used to always (00:04:37) mess with him. I was like I was like I (00:04:38) was living with a nice white family. You (00:04:40) [laughter] like white family? (00:04:42) >> Yeah. I was like I was like I was living (00:04:44) with a nice white family. I was like I (00:04:45) was like I was like different strokes. I (00:04:47) was like, "What's going on?" I was like, (00:04:48) "You came back and got me. [laughter] (00:04:50) Nothing." But, you know, I always would (00:04:52) mess with him, but he, you know, he he (00:04:54) stuck through. You know, he came, you (00:04:55) know, he did what he had to do. He was (00:04:57) kind of like a mom and dad. And then, (00:04:58) you know, my mom did get out. She winded (00:05:00) up committing suicide when I was 10. Um, (00:05:04) but my dad and after that, he still (00:05:06) stayed, of course, and still did what he (00:05:08) had to do with me. And I just I just (00:05:10) watched like, okay, this is what a man (00:05:12) is supposed to be, you know, cuz I'd (00:05:15) never seen my dad cry until (00:05:18) I'd say my my oldest son Liam was born. (00:05:20) That's the first time I've seen him cry. (00:05:23) >> Um he just he held a lot. He he endured (00:05:25) a lot and he held it in. (00:05:27) >> So that's really what made me like, (00:05:30) okay, I need to be a man like this for (00:05:31) my family. (00:05:33) M (00:05:33) >> um I I so I (00:05:37) I can't get the visual out of my head (00:05:39) now. Um you saying that your mother hit (00:05:42) you in the head with a (00:05:43) >> Yeah. (00:05:45) >> I got a a spot right here that doesn't (00:05:47) grow hair. (00:05:49) >> Yeah. (00:05:49) >> Wow. Okay. Um so I I don't necessarily (00:05:53) want to want to stay in that realm. Um (00:05:57) >> I do have a question about that though. (00:05:59) I'm curious to know like what was that (00:06:02) like losing your mother at that age in (00:06:07) that way? Like how did how did you (00:06:09) process that at the time? So, um it's (00:06:12) it's [snorts] weird. I'm so I never So, (00:06:15) my dad doesn't he didn't believe in (00:06:17) therapy. (00:06:17) >> Mhm. (00:06:18) >> And back then um so my like I said my (00:06:20) mom had a mental issue now she would (00:06:22) have been able to get help but back then (00:06:24) they just you know she's a southern (00:06:26) girl. She was actually from Georgia and (00:06:28) they called they called it oh she was (00:06:29) just touched. (00:06:30) >> Yeah, (00:06:30) >> she a little touched. Um so you know (00:06:34) like with her having issues and whatnot (00:06:36) and my dad not believing in therapy and (00:06:38) whatnot. Um I never got therapy until (00:06:40) recently and we'll get into you know (00:06:43) like like you know Kyle, you know, he (00:06:45) kind of alluded to certain things. Um (00:06:48) uh my therapist called me an onion (00:06:50) because I have to get past my mother. (00:06:52) >> Yeah. my brother passing, then my dad, (00:06:55) then what Kyle alluded to as well. So I (00:06:58) I'm I'm right now I'm just dealing with (00:06:59) my mother's issues and stuff with my (00:07:02) with my therapist. I can't even get to (00:07:03) anything else yet. (00:07:04) >> I feel that. (00:07:05) >> Yeah. (00:07:06) >> So So (00:07:07) what took you to the place where you (00:07:10) said (00:07:12) I need therapy? (00:07:14) Um, (00:07:17) I would honestly say the the last what (00:07:21) what you know why I'm in these film (00:07:24) festival. (00:07:24) >> So, let me let me stop you. Let me stop (00:07:26) you. So, you know, let's not beat around (00:07:28) the bush. Let te talk to us about how to (00:07:31) whatever level you're comfortable with. (00:07:33) And I want to say this brother has a (00:07:35) phenomenal short film called Laundry (00:07:38) that we're about to delve into, but (00:07:39) let's talk about the events that led you (00:07:41) to make that movie kind of kind of and (00:07:44) and then let's put it in context of (00:07:47) therapy, right? Cuz you talked about (00:07:49) that thing took you to therapy. So, how (00:07:52) wherever you want to begin and whatever (00:07:53) you're comfortable with, please share (00:07:55) with us. (00:07:55) >> All right. So, um (00:07:58) now now I'm messing up. So, Laundry, uh (00:08:01) it's a film about my youngest son, (00:08:02) Cameron. Um he was watching YouTube Kids (00:08:06) and it was a cartoon. It was in a (00:08:08) cartoon for him and it it taught him how (00:08:10) to hang himself. (00:08:12) Luckily um my wife something something (00:08:15) told my wife. She was like you know she (00:08:16) wants something to drink. So I was going (00:08:18) up um up to the kitchen and usually when (00:08:20) I walk past his bedroom he usually would (00:08:22) chase after me and then I would hide and (00:08:24) we would always have this little game (00:08:25) where I would hide and then you know (00:08:27) same place I would hide but he just it (00:08:29) was just something that we did. And this (00:08:31) time he didn't follow me out. So (00:08:33) something was like just, you know, just (00:08:34) go check on him and see if he's sleeping (00:08:37) or not. And I go in and he's hanging (00:08:38) from the bunk bed. Um (00:08:41) take him off, lay him down and um start (00:08:46) me and my wife start working on him. (00:08:48) We get them um we call we call the the (00:08:51) people to come get him uh to come help (00:08:53) out and uh (00:08:57) first responders show up and um they get (00:09:00) him they get him to breathing again. (00:09:02) They take him out. They get him to the (00:09:04) hospital. Uh they save him. He's in a (00:09:06) coma for like 3 days. Medically induced (00:09:09) in coma for uh for like 3 days. Um (00:09:14) once they I think it's called intubate (00:09:15) him. they take him out of the coma or or (00:09:18) exabate him. I forget which one it is. I (00:09:19) think it's excabate him. Once they take (00:09:20) him out, uh they're trying to get him (00:09:22) to, you know, move his limbs or whatnot. (00:09:24) And um he didn't do it for like a day. (00:09:28) Then the [snorts] next day I was just (00:09:29) like like I'm praying praying praying. (00:09:32) And I'm like (00:09:35) I'm like, "Hey, just put your thumb up. (00:09:37) Just you know, put your thumb up for me. (00:09:40) Pop his thumb up." So I run out to the (00:09:42) damn nursing station. I'm like, "Yo, he (00:09:44) put his thumb up." was like, um, (00:09:47) good. He has right now he's going (00:09:49) through therapeutics, (00:09:52) learn how to do all the things that he (00:09:54) used to do before. Um, (00:09:56) again, so he had to learn how to walk (00:09:58) again. Um, had to learn how to write his (00:10:01) name and everything again. Uh, this when (00:10:03) he was six, he just turned eight on the (00:10:05) 19th. (00:10:06) >> So that was a couple days ago. (00:10:09) >> So I'm still dealing with that. Um and (00:10:12) that led me to write this film to um (00:10:16) raise awareness for other families (00:10:18) because (00:10:20) um (00:10:22) I started doing it back like like a (00:10:24) check and um he wasn't the only kid that (00:10:27) was a victim of this social media (00:10:30) challenge. It's called the hangman (00:10:31) challenge. Um it basically teaches kids (00:10:33) how to hang themselves and a lot of (00:10:36) other kids have died. Luckily, you know, (00:10:38) son's still here. He's still here for a (00:10:40) reason. Um, (00:10:43) this this movie Laundry that I wrote, (00:10:45) it's to [snorts] it's to raise awareness (00:10:48) to other families to also um pay homage (00:10:51) to the other kids that have have lost (00:10:53) their lives and to, you know, to show (00:10:55) the other families like (00:10:57) I hear I I see what you guys went. (00:11:01) every every film festival that I've been (00:11:03) to so far. I've met some I've (00:11:05) [clears throat] met more than three (00:11:07) people that have lost child (00:11:11) and you know I'm in them. Hey, I'm here (00:11:16) for you (00:11:18) talking. Met a brother last night the (00:11:21) festival as well. (00:11:24) You know, he exchanged numbers with he (00:11:26) he actually broke me cuz he came up to (00:11:28) me crying and I just grabbed him, just (00:11:29) held him and he was just like um he (00:11:32) [clears throat] he said his son (00:11:34) successfully took his life at 15. And (00:11:36) I'm like, and he said by the time he got (00:11:39) through the film, when he got to the end (00:11:41) of the film, um he was he was just he (00:11:44) was done. And um that's what that's what (00:11:48) Laundry is. It's um (00:11:50) it's about, you know, my baby and uh and (00:11:53) me and and then also, you know, me and (00:11:55) my wife and Al, we were at odds. We were (00:11:58) we had to blame game and just arguing (00:12:00) and just a lot of bickering and um cuz (00:12:04) we really didn't know, you know, that (00:12:06) that's that's the easiest thing to do is (00:12:07) just attack the person that's really in (00:12:09) front of you. Um and we know he had to (00:12:12) we had to go through couples counseling (00:12:14) cuz at one time we were kind of just (00:12:16) like two ships passing each other. We (00:12:18) would I would still do, you know, like (00:12:20) everything with her. Like if we in the (00:12:23) kitchen, I know she's getting coffee. (00:12:24) Like I would get the coffee cup out and (00:12:26) put it there. But I would, you know, got (00:12:29) an [snorts] attitude. Still I'm still (00:12:30) doing things like that, you know, show (00:12:32) her that I love her, but I'm like, (00:12:34) [snorts] (00:12:34) >> you know, pour the coffee, you know, (00:12:37) stuff like that. I would I would stir it (00:12:38) hard, you know, [laughter] do like (00:12:40) little petty stuff, but still show her (00:12:42) like I love you and stuff like but (00:12:44) >> [laughter] (00:12:44) >> um you know but you know just uh it was (00:12:48) it was like damn near like a business (00:12:50) like it was like hey we just paying a (00:12:51) mortgage and we parents but you know we (00:12:53) love each other so we you know we fought (00:12:55) through everything and um now we're (00:12:57) doing better. Our son's doing good. He's (00:12:59) about 85% (00:13:01) to where he was. I don't think he'll (00:13:04) ever get back to 100, but I could care (00:13:06) less cuz he's still here. Um, (00:13:10) he had uh he has something called a uh (00:13:14) uh TBI. It's a traumatic brain injury. (00:13:17) So, from him losing so much oxygen to (00:13:20) his brain from the hanging. Um, I don't (00:13:22) even know how long he was hanging. I (00:13:24) just know that we we had to get to it. (00:13:26) And, um, luckily my job work on the (00:13:28) railroad. lucky, my job made us go to um (00:13:32) to take CPR classes and whatnot and (00:13:35) never thought that I would have to use (00:13:36) that at home, (00:13:37) >> right? So, (00:13:39) >> so [snorts] first of all, brother, thank (00:13:41) you for sharing that. I know I know it's (00:13:43) a lot. Um (00:13:45) >> I said I wasn't going to cry, man. (00:13:47) >> Brother, we look, we need the release. (00:13:50) >> Yes. (00:13:50) >> Right. [snorts] I I I had to learn that (00:13:52) for myself and have my own nervous (00:13:54) breakdown. But (00:13:56) >> thank you again. But one of the things (00:13:58) that you shared with me when [snorts] we (00:14:01) met in Miami was (00:14:04) not only the profound impact that that (00:14:06) those events had on you, (00:14:08) >> but the impact that it had on all the (00:14:11) first responders (00:14:13) >> that worked on [snorts] your son and the (00:14:15) fact that you all (00:14:17) >> are friends like that that So talk to me (00:14:20) and us [snorts] and our audience about (00:14:22) the impact that that that that has had (00:14:24) and the relationship that has built for (00:14:26) Yeah. Um, so one of the first responders (00:14:29) was a police officer, uh, Officer Cohen. (00:14:31) Um, cool cool guy. Uh, he he had a son (00:14:35) around the same age and when he walked (00:14:37) in, he just saw my son laid out. He saw (00:14:39) us working on him and, um, he came in (00:14:41) and he took over. And to this day, you (00:14:45) know, like we text each other. Um, I (00:14:46) sent Kyle and uh, and you know, um, Mike (00:14:49) and Vic uh, screenshots of me and him (00:14:51) talking and, you know, he said that I (00:14:53) just told him I said, "Hey, I'm about to (00:14:54) write the features the feature movie." (00:14:56) and you're going to be a part of it (00:14:57) because we're taking the the the fact (00:14:59) that you know um my son touched so many (00:15:03) different people and we want to tell (00:15:04) their their laundry (00:15:07) >> and uh and he was just like man that was (00:15:09) the hardest night that was the hardest (00:15:11) job that he had to do (00:15:14) >> and he you know because for one his son (00:15:16) is the at that time his son was the same (00:15:18) age and um and it changed him as a (00:15:20) parent and he said when he went home he (00:15:22) just laid in the bed with him and just (00:15:24) just held him. (00:15:25) >> Yeah. And um to this day we're we're (00:15:27) like we're like we're cool like and you (00:15:30) like he's a white cop and you would (00:15:32) never think that you know like us and (00:15:33) white cops we we have a we have a (00:15:35) history. (00:15:35) >> Sure. (00:15:36) >> But [clears throat] (00:15:38) there there was strictly there was no (00:15:40) color. It was just we're parents. (00:15:42) >> Yeah. (00:15:42) >> And we get along just off of parenting (00:15:45) and off of just (00:15:47) my son surviving. So I I give him (00:15:49) updates every day like hey Cameron's (00:15:51) doing this, Cameron's doing that. And he (00:15:52) he's he's in heaven. He loves it. And um (00:15:55) the and you know the uh he was actually (00:15:57) the main one when Cameron was coming (00:15:59) home. [snorts] He called me. He was (00:16:01) like, "Hey, I spoke to my union." He was (00:16:02) like, "I hope you don't mind, but we (00:16:03) want to give your son a license sirens (00:16:06) um escort from the from the rehab center (00:16:08) back home." And they did that. Uh it was (00:16:12) all the first responders that actually (00:16:13) showed up. And you know, when a child is (00:16:16) hurt, uh you got to have the the (00:16:18) probation people come and they got to, (00:16:20) you know, check and make sure. So it's (00:16:22) okay. Um, and they came and they also (00:16:25) they were there as well, you know, and (00:16:26) they was like, "Hey, man." You know, (00:16:28) like we knew nothing was, you know, (00:16:29) nothing was foul, but we want to be here (00:16:31) as well. Hope you don't mind. Like, no, (00:16:33) no problem. I'm still cool with them as (00:16:35) well, and I'm going to put them in (00:16:36) there. Um, the people at the rehab (00:16:38) center, some of them came and and (00:16:40) followed us as well, and they were like (00:16:42) nurses and everything. So, it was it was (00:16:44) good. And I'm still in contact with them (00:16:46) two years later. (00:16:47) >> Yeah. (00:16:48) >> Yeah, man. Your [snorts] story took me (00:16:51) so many places, bro. Like, you know, (00:16:54) first of all, to echo Kyle, man, thank (00:16:56) you for sharing that cuz like that's (00:16:59) heavy as [ __ ] (00:17:01) >> And it makes me think one about how my (00:17:06) worst fear since the day he was born was (00:17:10) something traumatic happening to my son. (00:17:14) And then I got (00:17:17) uh married again and blended a family. (00:17:19) And so I then acquired a daughter (00:17:22) through marriage. And so then there was (00:17:23) double the fear. (00:17:24) >> Yes. (00:17:25) >> Right. And (00:17:27) also how my [snorts] wife and I (00:17:31) [clears throat] went through um a rough (00:17:32) patch in our marriage. We separated for (00:17:35) a year. (00:17:37) And just [snorts] the perspective you (00:17:38) gave me on that of what you and your (00:17:41) wife were navigating at that time (00:17:43) >> that was causing the distance between (00:17:45) y'all and and how I think back about (00:17:47) what was causing dissonance between me (00:17:50) and her. It was like in my mind I'm (00:17:53) like, "Bro, the [ __ ] you was tripping (00:17:55) on, (00:17:57) >> right?" And and and how what y'all (00:17:58) couldn't figure out. I mean, and l (00:18:00) luckily we did figure it out. But it (00:18:03) just makes me think about just how us (00:18:05) and probably so many other people within (00:18:07) their marriages allow things that in (00:18:11) hindsight aren't that major (00:18:13) >> to be a major disruption in their (00:18:16) relationships. (00:18:17) >> Yeah, (00:18:18) >> definitely. (00:18:19) >> The um (00:18:20) >> you know, it's it's funny how things get (00:18:23) put in perspective when you hear other (00:18:26) people's story. Um, (00:18:29) so let's let's so again I I cannot tell (00:18:32) you how (00:18:34) much your story touches me and I can (00:18:38) only imagine people who will then listen (00:18:39) to this podcast. But I do want to go (00:18:42) back to your mother, (00:18:43) >> right? And your father. (00:18:45) >> So (00:18:47) obviously you've dealt with (00:18:53) trauma, (00:18:54) >> right? your mother, your father, your (00:18:56) son. (00:18:58) How does that not and and and I don't (00:19:01) mean this to sound trit, (00:19:03) >> but how does that not break you, (00:19:04) brother? (00:19:06) And [clears throat] I [snorts] not going (00:19:08) to lie, I've called 988 many (00:19:11) [clears throat] times. (00:19:13) Um, (00:19:14) and for people that don't know what 988 (00:19:16) is, that is the um, suicide hotline (00:19:19) >> because um, (00:19:22) it was there was times where I'm like, (00:19:23) man, I don't why am I still here? Like I (00:19:28) I question God, man. Times I'm like, why (00:19:30) are you putting me through all of this? (00:19:32) Like, what do you have for me? You know, (00:19:34) cuz my dad, he was a he was a big (00:19:36) Christian. He used to always tell me (00:19:37) like, hey, you know, God don't put you (00:19:39) through nothing you can't handle. I'm (00:19:40) like, dude, um, you sure? like cuz I'm (00:19:43) going through some stuff and I was like (00:19:45) I'd rather take the hand like I'd rather (00:19:46) just take the handlebars off of this (00:19:48) bike and just let it go. Like he's (00:19:49) killing me right now. (00:19:51) >> And [snorts] um you know but uh I I have (00:19:56) I have my good days. I have my bad days. (00:19:57) I still have my good days and my bad (00:19:59) days. But now I get through it by (00:20:02) looking at my wife, my two kids, um with (00:20:05) my two sons and everything. And I'm just (00:20:06) like, that's the only reason that I I'm (00:20:10) happy I'm waking up every morning (00:20:12) because if it wasn't for them, I (00:20:15) wouldn't I wouldn't I was I was out (00:20:18) honestly I was telling I was telling (00:20:19) Mike and Vic uh yesterday I was like my (00:20:22) wife stopped me from being a stickup (00:20:24) kid, you know, cuz I was I was like I (00:20:27) was literally out here just and I and um (00:20:31) I I made a joke about it. I was um cuz I (00:20:34) remember my dad found out and I I made a (00:20:36) joke. I was like I'm not robbing you (00:20:38) know working class man. I was like I'm (00:20:39) robbing drug dealers and he was like (00:20:41) that don't make it no better. [laughter] (00:20:43) I was like but I was like I'm robbing (00:20:44) drug dealers. (00:20:45) >> He's pulling out Omar. (00:20:47) >> Exactly. He was he my dad was like dude (00:20:49) I raised you better than this. Like I (00:20:52) this is not what I fought tooth for and (00:20:53) nail to get your behind back from from (00:20:55) the different strokes people that you (00:20:56) talk about [laughter] so much for you to (00:20:58) freaking be out here robbing people. But (00:21:00) my wife was and she used to like me, you (00:21:02) you you're so much better than that. Why (00:21:04) are you doing this? (00:21:05) >> And um you know like I would if it (00:21:09) wasn't for her I wouldn't be (00:21:12) where I am today because I probably was (00:21:15) honestly I probably would have if I (00:21:16) didn't meet her I probably would be dead (00:21:18) or because I didn't I didn't have (00:21:20) anything to care about really (00:21:21) >> at that time. [snorts] (00:21:23) >> So you know then she was like hey like (00:21:24) I'm pregnant like we we got to you got (00:21:27) to do something. (00:21:27) >> Yeah. (00:21:28) >> And I was like all right. Um, and you (00:21:31) know, I'm so I'm still here. So now I'm (00:21:33) happy. I have something to fight for. (00:21:35) Have something to wake up for and and (00:21:37) and give a and give a crap about. (00:21:40) >> You know, you [snorts and clears throat] (00:21:41) know what what's what's (00:21:44) ironic about what you said and and (00:21:47) suicide is (00:21:50) every time I see you, (00:21:53) >> you have a smile on your face. (00:21:55) >> Have to. (00:21:56) >> Every time. (00:21:56) >> Have to. (00:21:57) >> Right. And and what that says to me is (00:22:00) what you hear all the time is (00:22:03) check on your friends, (00:22:05) >> right? No matter how they show up every (00:22:08) day with you, you still got to check on (00:22:11) your people, man. (00:22:12) >> Yes. (00:22:12) >> Right. Because we're all going through (00:22:15) [ __ ] (00:22:15) >> Mhm. (00:22:16) >> We all, trust me, I you know, it's been (00:22:19) an interesting time for me. Um (00:22:23) just been an interesting time for me on (00:22:25) on several fronts, right? And I I I (00:22:28) won't sit here and say that I've gotten (00:22:30) to the point where I've (00:22:33) been in a place to to call, you know, (00:22:35) the number or to that point, but (00:22:38) sometimes I have had the thought like, (00:22:41) why am I here? (00:22:42) >> Yeah. (00:22:43) >> Right. Because the [ __ ] gets heavy (00:22:46) and and but what [snorts] I'm also (00:22:49) discovering is it gets heavy for (00:22:51) everybody, (00:22:53) >> right? and and stories like yours, (00:22:57) >> you know, it's it's you know, (00:22:59) everybody's cross is heavy to them, (00:23:01) >> right? But stories like yours tells me (00:23:04) that you just got to keep going. You got (00:23:06) to keep pushing. You got to keep putting (00:23:08) one foot in front of the other. Um, and (00:23:11) what I will say to you [snorts] that I (00:23:14) see on why God has both you and your son (00:23:18) still here on this earth is there's a (00:23:20) story to be told. There are people to be (00:23:23) inspired, but there are other people to (00:23:25) be saved, (00:23:27) >> right? There's so many like I when I (00:23:31) when I heard about your movie and then (00:23:33) sat down to talk to you, I was just (00:23:34) like, "Wait, what? Cartoons on YouTube." (00:23:37) >> Yeah. (00:23:38) >> That teaches kids how to commit suicide. (00:23:41) Like I (00:23:41) >> And that's the crazy thing. It's like (00:23:44) me, you, Malik, we can we can put a a we (00:23:48) can use a Michael Jackson song and (00:23:50) they'll flag us quick as hell. [snorts] (00:23:53) And when we put we can put up a new (00:23:55) video on YouTube and I know when you put (00:23:57) your stuff up on YouTube, they ask you (00:23:59) is this for ch for children or is it for (00:24:01) adults (00:24:02) >> on YouTube kids? I don't think they have (00:24:04) to ask that. (00:24:05) >> And and that's the thing. It's like, but (00:24:08) you can flag us on YouTube regular, but (00:24:11) you can't you can't do the same policing (00:24:13) on YouTube, kids, to at least just look (00:24:17) at the content that's being uploaded. (00:24:20) And that's that's the part that I don't (00:24:22) understand. And I'm I'm still trying to (00:24:25) understand. It's like why (00:24:27) >> why won't you police the kid? You should (00:24:29) police the kid section more than (00:24:31) anything. (00:24:31) >> Absolutely. [snorts] (00:24:32) >> That should be the one that you should (00:24:33) police. And and you know because it's (00:24:36) it's videos up there. It's like hey um (00:24:38) you know take your little brother or (00:24:40) your little sister and walk out in the (00:24:41) traffic. Stab your mother and father (00:24:43) while they sleep. This is like what (00:24:45) whoever's thinking of this. I I said (00:24:48) this yesterday. I was like and and I (00:24:50) said it out of anger. But I do feel like (00:24:52) I wish I could find who it is that's (00:24:54) making these videos them and hackers. (00:24:56) >> Yeah. (00:24:56) >> I wish I could find who they are and (00:24:58) just have like just a just a purge (00:25:00) session with them. Mhm. [clears throat] (00:25:02) >> Um I just need I just need (00:25:03) >> Wait, you call it a purge session? (00:25:04) >> Yeah. I just need I just need five 10 (00:25:06) minutes. That's it. (00:25:08) >> Purge. Okay. I'm going have to use that (00:25:09) >> because um and then and then once it's (00:25:12) done, just put them on just put all of (00:25:13) them on an island by themselves and just (00:25:15) leave them there because it's like you (00:25:17) have to be a sick person to think of (00:25:22) making a cartoon, drawing the cartoon (00:25:24) damn near the same as how it how it how (00:25:26) we know it's in the movie theaters like (00:25:28) Sonic the Hedgehog and stuff like that. (00:25:30) and um and then pop it up on YouTube and (00:25:34) then have this hidden message in it. (00:25:35) >> Yeah. (00:25:35) >> So you you this took thought. (00:25:38) >> This isn't something that is just like, (00:25:39) oh, you know, let me let me play around, (00:25:41) see what happens. This is something that (00:25:42) you actually thought out and then you (00:25:45) you might as well basically say they're (00:25:46) a screenwriter cuz you wrote dialogue (00:25:48) for these characters. So it's like (00:25:52) you're something's wrong with you to (00:25:54) even think of that and then to put it on (00:25:55) YouTube kids that you this was purposely (00:25:58) done. (00:26:00) So yeah, (00:26:02) >> so we've been talking with Alter Miller (00:26:05) and he's been talking to us about his (00:26:08) movie Laundry and the events that led to (00:26:11) his inspiration to do this movie. (00:26:14) This has been a heavy episode. Got me (00:26:17) emotional, but we're going to take a (00:26:19) break. (00:26:23) [music] (00:26:30) >> [music] (00:26:39) [music] (00:26:45) >> Work hits different when you've been (00:26:47) grinding for years and [music] still (00:26:48) feel like your goals are out of reach. (00:26:51) You've persevered. You've been (00:26:53) successful. But something is still (00:26:55) blocking your growth. At Authenticity (00:26:58) Unleashed Coaching, I help leaders (00:27:00) untangle what's [music] internal so they (00:27:02) can move forward with clarity, (00:27:04) confidence, and purpose. Follow me on (00:27:07) socials, book your free discovery (00:27:09) [music] session, and when you're ready (00:27:11) to embrace change, use the code BITB (00:27:15) 2025 to get half off your first coaching (00:27:18) session. [music] Let's unleash your (00:27:20) authentic self together. (00:27:26) So we were just discussing some really (00:27:29) heavy topics related to your son, (00:27:33) your mother, your father, kind of the (00:27:36) things that have inspire you, the things (00:27:39) that drive you, um the things that (00:27:43) really (00:27:45) keep you focused. (00:27:46) >> Yeah. (00:27:46) >> Right. [snorts] I kind of want to talk a (00:27:49) little bit about the concept of laundry. (00:27:52) So when I say that, I don't mean the (00:27:54) movie itself, but you and you you (00:27:56) alluded to it. You like you talked about (00:27:58) the people that were impacted and how it (00:28:01) impacted their laundry. (00:28:02) >> Yeah. (00:28:03) >> So talk to us about what does that mean (00:28:05) to you and what's the significance as it (00:28:08) relates to the the the events that (00:28:09) happened. (00:28:10) >> Okay. So, um, laundry, I came up with (00:28:13) the the title because, (00:28:16) you know, if you're putting you're (00:28:17) you're you're putting clothes, dirty (00:28:18) clothes into the laundry basket, (00:28:20) eventually if you don't if you don't (00:28:21) wash them, they're going to overflow. I (00:28:24) equate that to emotions. And you I keep (00:28:27) holding things in. Eventually, I'm going (00:28:29) to I'm going to either explode or I'm (00:28:31) going to overflow. And to clean to clean (00:28:34) the laundry is just like therapy. You (00:28:36) have to you have to go to therapy and (00:28:38) clean your laundry mentally and and (00:28:39) emotionally. So I that's the that's the (00:28:42) reason why I called this movie laundry. (00:28:45) >> Yeah. I'm I'm loving the look on your (00:28:47) face. That's why that's (00:28:49) >> No, cuz I mean I I I think I just I was (00:28:52) really unpacking that metaphor as he (00:28:54) said it and just how powerful that is. (00:28:56) And um you know it's interesting that (00:29:05) taking that metaphor further even with (00:29:07) people not doing their laundry and (00:29:10) rewearing dirty clothes, (00:29:12) >> flipping drawers inside out. (00:29:13) >> You know what I'm saying? Like like like (00:29:16) >> repeating the same traumatic events that (00:29:19) they have endured for however long, (00:29:22) right? and and just recycling in that (00:29:25) way is what really came up for me. (00:29:27) >> Yeah, (00:29:27) >> it it you know it's it's when you when (00:29:30) you talked about it, right? And another (00:29:32) thing that you mentioned was (00:29:35) kind of as things were unfolding and (00:29:37) then the laundry were just sitting on (00:29:38) the floor on the floor in the house, (00:29:40) >> right? And you kept stepping over it, (00:29:42) stepping over it, stepping over it. So (00:29:44) there's your recycling that's happening. (00:29:46) >> Um and I think we all do that. I think (00:29:49) we all get to this point in our lives (00:29:52) where [gasps] (00:29:53) we keep recycling the same emotions. I (00:29:56) mean, and it's funny, I'm hearing myself (00:29:58) say this and I'm realizing that's what (00:29:59) I'm doing in my life right now. (00:30:02) >> Yeah. (00:30:02) >> Right. Like literally to this day, like (00:30:04) I'll be I'll be honest with you all. (00:30:06) Like it's (00:30:07) >> I almost feel like I'm having a mental (00:30:08) mental block in the midst of this (00:30:10) podcast, right? I feel like I am I am (00:30:14) creatively blocked (00:30:16) >> and I'm not trying to create anything (00:30:18) but just like being inspired to do (00:30:20) things. (00:30:21) >> Um (00:30:23) >> it's it's just interesting to have this (00:30:25) metaphor be brought to me now in the ca (00:30:28) in the ter in terms of what I'm dealing (00:30:29) with in life. Um, but I tell you what, (00:30:32) brother. Like talking to you and talking (00:30:34) to you about the story, talking to (00:30:38) talking to you about the movie is (00:30:40) putting things in perspective for me, (00:30:42) >> right? It's just like, keep living. (00:30:44) You'll be fine. (00:30:45) >> You'll be all right. And and I feel like (00:30:47) for people who watch this podcast, (00:30:49) that's something that you should walk (00:30:50) away from is that you just got to keep (00:30:52) living. You just got to keep putting one (00:30:54) foot in front of the other because it, (00:30:56) you know, and this it's funny because (00:30:58) this is the thing that I just told my (00:30:59) wife the other day and she kind of (00:31:02) echoed it back to me the other day and (00:31:04) was just like, you you don't know what (00:31:08) joy truly is (00:31:10) >> until you go through some bad times. (00:31:12) >> Yeah. (00:31:12) >> And you don't appreciate what what that (00:31:14) is until you go through those bad times. (00:31:16) And it's like, but nobody wants to go (00:31:17) through them damn bad times. (00:31:19) >> Thanks. But anyway, I you know, it just (00:31:21) that was on my heart and I just wanted (00:31:23) to get it out. Um yeah, but looks like (00:31:25) you want to say something. (00:31:26) >> Yeah. Um there's what came to me is keep (00:31:30) living as you said, but but also (00:31:34) what I take away from it is (00:31:38) be intentional about (00:31:41) how you go about helping yourself, (00:31:42) right? Be intentional about addressing (00:31:44) your laundry. (00:31:45) >> Yeah. How you clean your laundry. (00:31:46) >> How you clean your laundry. (00:31:48) >> Yeah. (00:31:49) And also help others identify their (00:31:53) [ __ ] laundry. (00:31:54) >> Yes. (00:31:54) >> And help them understand the importance (00:31:57) of the laundry, right? Cuz that's huge. (00:31:59) Like, and we kind of talked about that (00:32:01) off camera, right? Turning that pain (00:32:02) into power. (00:32:03) >> Yes. And and how not only does that then (00:32:08) potentially start to (00:32:10) enrich you spiritually, but how it (00:32:12) starts to potentially give you purpose (00:32:15) >> and how it then allows you to (00:32:18) therapeutically release a lot of that (00:32:21) energy that has been stored because now (00:32:23) within service of others, (00:32:26) >> there's a transference. (00:32:27) >> Yes. (00:32:27) >> That happens. Man, I [snorts] appreciate (00:32:29) that, bro. (00:32:30) >> Awesome. So, let's go back to your your (00:32:33) father, right? And you talked about (00:32:35) >> the impact that he had in your life (00:32:37) given in the midst of the trauma that (00:32:40) you were having. And when I'm talking (00:32:41) about your personal trauma, (00:32:43) >> um, it's all personal trauma. Actually, (00:32:45) I heard myself say that I was like, it's (00:32:46) all personal trauma, but that phase of (00:32:49) your life in terms of your father. So, (00:32:50) talk to us about the influence that your (00:32:52) father had on you and how much he fought (00:32:55) to have you in his life. Ah, (00:32:57) >> man. Um, my dad, he uh like it's that's (00:33:02) that's this is probably the strongest (00:33:04) man that I've ever encountered. (00:33:08) >> Um, he is [snorts] (00:33:09) old old southern man. Uh, bald glasses. (00:33:14) Uh, [clears throat] big old James James (00:33:16) Jones voice. (00:33:18) >> So, not from Jersey? (00:33:19) >> No. No. He's actually from uh Charlotte. (00:33:21) He's from Charlotte, North Carolina. Um, (00:33:22) and my mother is from (00:33:25) >> Valdasta. Baldasta. Yeah, she's from (00:33:28) She's from here. And uh you know, they (00:33:31) met in Jersey, but um my dad, he's just (00:33:34) he's he's been through some stuff uh (00:33:36) through just you know, my mom, my (00:33:39) brother, me when I was young, just (00:33:42) acting stupid. My sisters, and (00:33:47) you never I never saw him cry, like I (00:33:49) said, until until my my um till my (00:33:52) oldest boy, Liam, was born. Um, I never (00:33:56) saw (00:33:57) him fold and you would never think he (00:34:01) was going through anything, but for some (00:34:03) [snorts] reason he just he would be able (00:34:05) to get up and go on. But I I think he he (00:34:09) could play, you know, the tough guy (00:34:10) role, but I think when he got in his (00:34:12) room or when he got somewhere, he would (00:34:13) let it all out, (00:34:14) >> he would release his laundry. (00:34:16) >> Yeah. (00:34:16) >> And um that's that's he was he's my (00:34:20) motivation is just being a a dad. Uh (00:34:23) just um what a man what a man's supposed (00:34:26) to be. Um you know, provide for your (00:34:28) family, you know. Um don't don't look (00:34:31) for handouts. Um (00:34:33) don't show don't show signs of weakness (00:34:35) even though you know we're different (00:34:38) now. They always say that uh each (00:34:40) generation that comes out gets softer, (00:34:43) >> you know, from how the the men was born (00:34:47) in 44. So from how he was to where how (00:34:50) like my sons in them are now, they said (00:34:52) each generation gets softer. So I guess (00:34:56) me looking for therapy is like I guess a (00:34:59) a way that my dad would he would look at (00:35:01) me probably like, "Dude, what are you (00:35:02) doing? I didn't raise you this way." (00:35:03) >> That soft [ __ ] (00:35:04) >> Yeah. Know that soft [laughter] [ __ ] (00:35:06) But [clears throat] (00:35:07) >> um you know it's [snorts] (00:35:10) I needed I needed honestly to to move. I (00:35:13) I'm I'm wasn't I'm not built like my (00:35:15) father's (00:35:16) >> and my sons aren't built like me and I (00:35:18) don't want them to be built like me (00:35:20) because if you need help, don't wait as (00:35:23) long as I did. (00:35:24) >> Go get it now because (00:35:27) it me holding it in only it it it (00:35:32) made it made things worse, you know. (00:35:34) Like I said, me and my wife, we argue (00:35:35) when when our son got hurt and (00:35:37) everything. And um like I said, we're (00:35:40) good now. (00:35:41) But that was that was really just my dad (00:35:45) like, "Nope, you ain't going to do (00:35:46) this." You know, he my dad would (00:35:48) probably walk away from [clears throat] (00:35:49) walk away from her marriage before he (00:35:52) gives in and um (00:35:54) >> and goes to therapy. He probably like, (00:35:55) "You know what? Not crying in front of (00:35:58) you, pal. [laughter] (00:35:59) I'm done with you, lady." you know, like (00:36:02) he was really he was he he was he stood (00:36:04) on business. But um (00:36:05) >> but yeah, that's that. But besides that (00:36:08) that one flaw that he did, everything (00:36:10) else as as I am as a man, I learned from (00:36:13) my dad and I wouldn't change that any (00:36:15) for the world. (00:36:16) >> Yeah. I [snorts] think it's I think it's (00:36:18) empowering, man, for us to be able to (00:36:20) take the formulas that were handed to us (00:36:23) or modeled for us as men and then (00:36:26) >> tweak that, right? I won't call it an (00:36:28) upgrade because I don't I don't want to (00:36:30) position it as us being better than our (00:36:34) our fathers or grandfathers or what have (00:36:36) you, but but being different in the way (00:36:38) that we allow ourselves to to be (00:36:41) different to [clears throat] be to be uh (00:36:44) unconstrained (00:36:46) by the things that we had to do to (00:36:48) survive once upon a time, right? Cuz (00:36:50) that was really largely what was handed (00:36:52) to us was a survival blueprint. Yes. (00:36:54) >> So, as we move into a space of thriving, (00:36:56) right? I think it's okay for us to be (00:36:58) able to say, "Yeah, I'm going to do (00:37:00) therapy or I'm going to show a fuller (00:37:02) spectrum of emotion or whatever, however (00:37:04) that may manifest." (00:37:06) >> Yeah. I was I was It's funny. [snorts] (00:37:07) I've had time to sit and think about my (00:37:12) father and (00:37:13) >> the dynamic that he had to deal with (00:37:17) >> to survive in this world, to thrive in (00:37:19) this world to some extent, right? My my (00:37:21) father um was unlike a lot of fathers (00:37:25) that I saw around me. Like meaning the (00:37:27) everyday fathers. My father was a (00:37:29) professional. He got he put on a suit (00:37:31) and tie every day. He worked at Eastern (00:37:33) Airlines as an (00:37:35) >> audit accountant. (00:37:36) >> Wow. (00:37:37) >> Right. Like I I (00:37:40) my boy's friend was a long shoreman. The (00:37:42) other dude was an electrician plumber. (00:37:44) You know, these were these were the (00:37:45) fathers that I saw. They were all great (00:37:46) fathers. So I'm not This is to your (00:37:48) point. No, it's not that one was better (00:37:50) than the other, right? But as I sit and (00:37:52) think, (00:37:54) >> I think he told me he was one of two in (00:37:56) his entire accounting department at (00:37:58) Eastern Airlines. Eastern Airlines back (00:38:00) in there was was um headquartered in (00:38:03) Miami. (00:38:04) >> So, you know, I think about how he must (00:38:08) have felt (00:38:10) there was no such thing as (00:38:11) microaggression. It was just aggression. (00:38:13) >> Sure. Mhm. (00:38:14) >> So how they dealt with him and the (00:38:16) things that they said to him and what he (00:38:18) had to endure to just be a professional (00:38:23) >> and he [clears throat] traveled (00:38:24) >> to different parts of the world as a (00:38:26) part of his job. So, you know, I put all (00:38:28) of that in perspective and then what (00:38:30) you're talking about and I'm like, you (00:38:32) know what? (00:38:32) >> It's what they had to do to survive. (00:38:34) >> Mhm. (00:38:35) >> And provide for us, right? And and that (00:38:38) was the only identity that they (00:38:40) >> tongue bite their tongue and swallow and (00:38:42) just swallow what was given to them. (00:38:43) Yeah. Yeah. To Yeah. Keep pushing. (00:38:45) >> Yeah. And then you don't have an outlet, (00:38:48) right? You you you don't have therapy. (00:38:50) You don't have, you know, you you don't (00:38:52) have the things and the tools that we (00:38:55) now have available. walk-in closet full (00:38:57) of dirty lawn. Dude, tell me about it. (00:38:59) [laughter] It's like walking you open (00:39:00) the door and it just come flying out at (00:39:02) you, right? I mean, you know, and and (00:39:04) you know, and I just want to say to my (00:39:06) father like I appreciate everything you (00:39:08) did. (00:39:09) >> I appreciate the sacrifices that you (00:39:11) made for me and our family. Like, I just (00:39:13) want to say that publicly. I want him to (00:39:15) I want him to feel that while he may (00:39:18) have gone in the room or in his car (00:39:21) before he came in house, before he (00:39:22) walked in the office and cried to (00:39:24) himself. (00:39:24) >> Yeah. probably punched the steering (00:39:26) wheel, got all his (00:39:27) >> all those things, right? Because he (00:39:29) couldn't do it to to his boss. (00:39:31) >> Yeah. (00:39:31) >> Right. He couldn't punch the (00:39:33) [ __ ] in the face, right? I don't (00:39:34) say it, you know. (00:39:36) >> But, you know, I just want to, you know, (00:39:37) for us, put that in perspective for how (00:39:41) we can be in this world versus how they (00:39:43) had to be in the world. (00:39:45) >> Um, because they're right on the heels (00:39:47) of Jim Crow. (00:39:48) >> Yeah. (00:39:48) >> Yeah. Yeah. No, I mean and and in and (00:39:51) contextually if you think about the fact (00:39:52) of us being able to have this public (00:39:56) conversation (00:39:57) >> and talk about things, right? Like (00:40:01) >> everything obviously that led to this, (00:40:03) but just being able to embrace the idea (00:40:06) of vulnerability as strength, having the (00:40:08) freedom to do that. I think we we may (00:40:10) often take that for granted, right? and (00:40:13) and feel like we can't like we won't (00:40:15) even take (00:40:17) >> we won't even take advantage of this (00:40:19) opportunity to expand as men often (00:40:22) times. (00:40:23) >> Yeah. (00:40:23) >> Because we are so clouded by what we've (00:40:27) seen in the past or what we fear might (00:40:29) happen as a result of it. Right. But (00:40:32) leaning into this space of being real (00:40:36) with yourself, being real with the (00:40:37) people around you, feeling like, "Yeah, (00:40:40) no, I'm this [ __ ] up or I'm [ __ ] up (00:40:42) or whatever it is." And (00:40:43) >> this is what's going on in my life. (00:40:44) >> This is what's going on in my life. (00:40:46) Like, it's it's so freeing, man. It's (00:40:49) liberating. (00:40:51) We we're um like I saw I saw a post (00:40:54) somewhere and it was basically saying (00:40:55) that (00:40:57) men [clears throat] as men we we tend to (00:41:00) everyone else but nobody remembers to (00:41:02) tend to us (00:41:04) >> and [clears throat] um and we just have (00:41:07) to you know like like Kyle said you know (00:41:09) earlier just check in on our brothers (00:41:11) >> check in on you know just (00:41:13) [clears throat] cuz that person like is (00:41:14) is just happy and stuff he may be (00:41:18) dealing with something like I know my (00:41:20) wife always tells me like she was like (00:41:21) that um dentists she said dentists are (00:41:24) the highest suicide rate and I'm like (00:41:26) what they clean teeth it's like the hell (00:41:28) do they got to stress about like what do (00:41:30) they like and I still don't know why (00:41:32) they're higher in and comedians (00:41:35) >> you have uh Robin Williams (00:41:37) >> one of the one of the happiest people (00:41:39) that (00:41:40) >> he brought joy to me as a kid just you (00:41:43) know watching him and Aladdin and (00:41:44) everything else and to just you know (00:41:47) take himself out (00:41:49) >> nobody's checking in on him. Uh Michael (00:41:51) K. Williams, nobody's checking in on (00:41:53) him. (00:41:54) >> It's like, why are these brothers not (00:41:56) being checked on? So [clears throat] I (00:41:59) truth I send Kyle a message damn near (00:42:01) every day. I send Mike and Vic a message (00:42:04) every day. You about to get a message (00:42:06) every day (00:42:07) >> because I I [snorts] check in on I check (00:42:10) even if it's just a hey, how's (00:42:11) everything going? (00:42:12) >> Yeah. I, you know, I'd rather just make (00:42:15) sure that I know that, you know, um, (00:42:17) that I checked in because I don't want (00:42:20) to be the I always say I don't want to (00:42:21) be the last to know. (00:42:22) >> Yeah. No, that's not true, [snorts] (00:42:24) >> man. So, kind of want to turn it a (00:42:27) little bit lighter, right? (00:42:29) >> And Yeah. No, no, no. We we we can (00:42:31) definitely make that pivot. Um, so you (00:42:34) two brothers have been riffing on (00:42:36) hip-hop. (00:42:36) >> Yes. (00:42:37) >> Right. So, clearly you all are two big (00:42:39) hip-hop heads. I used to be a hip-hop (00:42:41) head and I'm not as much anymore, which (00:42:42) I was just sharing with you all. (00:42:44) >> So, what are you all listening to right (00:42:46) now? (00:42:47) >> Uh, [clears throat] I listen to Wall, (00:42:50) uh, K Dot, Raps City, (00:42:53) um, [clears throat] (00:42:54) J. (00:42:56) Um, Big Crit. That's that's really like (00:42:59) one of my faves. Uh, I actually put my (00:43:01) wife on to him. She loves she loves the (00:43:03) hell out of some Big Crit. She will play (00:43:05) his She actually stole like albums from (00:43:08) me. We were like cuz I was I was still (00:43:10) going to buy CDs cuz I like just the (00:43:13) feeling of opening the CD and checking (00:43:14) who wrote on it, who produced it and (00:43:17) everything that that nostalgia and um so (00:43:20) >> you know uh who else? Um Freddy. (00:43:23) >> Yeah. (00:43:24) >> Um Benny the Butcher. (00:43:26) >> Um Stove God. (00:43:28) >> Mhm. (00:43:29) >> I don't know if you know Stove God. He's (00:43:31) from West He's from uh upstate (00:43:33) Rochester. He's from where Westside Gun (00:43:35) and Benny the Butcher where you're from. (00:43:37) >> Okay. Okay. [clears throat] (00:43:38) >> Um trying to think. Still listening to (00:43:41) Taleb Quali. Most Deaf has an album that (00:43:43) he's working on with um Alchemist as (00:43:45) well. (00:43:46) >> No, really? No. (00:43:48) >> Wait, what's what's his name now? He's (00:43:50) not Most. Yeah, y'all seen Ba. That's (00:43:52) right. (00:43:52) >> They um they just dropped a new song (00:43:54) last week and um it's (00:43:57) >> I don't know how I missed that. This is (00:43:58) going to be This is the most death from (00:44:02) Black on both sides. (00:44:04) >> Black Star that most (00:44:06) >> death he's he's back. He's in his bag. (00:44:10) So I'm like, "Okay, we this is this is (00:44:12) the most death that people missed." (00:44:14) >> Um so those those are those are in heavy (00:44:17) rotation and I just, you know, [snorts] (00:44:20) I can't listen to the hip-hop of now. (00:44:22) >> Yeah. (00:44:23) >> Like if you're not if you don't have any (00:44:24) substance, I I can't deal with it. (00:44:26) >> Except for the Clips album. Oh yeah, I (00:44:28) for I'm sorry about that. Yeah, clips. (00:44:30) Um (00:44:31) >> I like I listen very substantial though. (00:44:34) >> Yeah, like like he said like he said (00:44:37) he's like that's mission that's Mich (00:44:40) because man they they make you feel as (00:44:43) much as they they can wrap their ass up (00:44:45) but they make you feel like damn like (00:44:48) >> why am I not eating at why am I not (00:44:50) eating at these places that you eat at? (00:44:52) Like, why don't I care that I wear like (00:44:54) a $500 pair of socks and I just throw (00:44:56) them away? Like, I want to be that way. (00:44:59) Um, but you know, like the clips. Yeah. (00:45:01) Um, trying to think who else. It's It's (00:45:04) a lot of people out and I definitely got (00:45:06) to check the Ghost Face project that you (00:45:07) were just talking about as well. (00:45:09) >> So, yeah. No, [snorts] it's a lot of (00:45:10) people out there. (00:45:10) >> All right. Good. Well, so he that's a (00:45:14) hell of a list cuz he's basically hit (00:45:16) everybody on my list. I don't think (00:45:18) there's anybody other than Rock Marciano (00:45:21) who we talked about (00:45:22) >> that I keep in heavy rotation that you (00:45:25) haven't uh named. (00:45:27) >> I listen to some of the uh some of the (00:45:32) >> I guess the hip-hop of today, right? The (00:45:34) sound of today. Let me let me say that. (00:45:36) Um we left uh J out of (00:45:39) >> No, I said I know you said J on that (00:45:41) list. Um but but [clears throat] (00:45:43) those folks like J like it's a it's a (00:45:46) older school sound but of the newer (00:45:47) school sound (00:45:49) >> I listen to some of that. Um my kids (00:45:52) help me stay tapped into that. And for (00:45:54) me it's it fits a mood. Sometimes I'm in (00:45:58) that mood to where like you know the (00:46:00) ratchet mood. (00:46:01) >> Yeah. You know what I'm saying? get a (00:46:02) little feel [laughter] a little ratchet (00:46:03) or or just, you know, where I want (00:46:06) something a little higher energy cuz (00:46:07) most of the time whether it's hip-hop, (00:46:09) whether it's jazz or whatever it is, (00:46:11) >> I'm I'm more down here when it comes to (00:46:15) my moods and especially the music that I (00:46:17) keep in heavy rotation. Like I'm never (00:46:20) I'm never regularly getting something (00:46:21) that, you know, I'm turning up to. So (00:46:24) like like that's that's the difference (00:46:25) for me, man. But (00:46:27) >> I mean, I appreciate it though. I (00:46:28) appreciate the fact that that exists. (00:46:31) Yeah, (00:46:31) >> because I appreciate how at one point (00:46:35) this art form of rap um within the (00:46:38) hip-hop culture, this art form of rap (00:46:40) was very monolithic (00:46:42) >> and then it started expanding regionally (00:46:46) and now even sonically it it has (00:46:49) expanded even more. (00:46:50) >> Um and like (00:46:52) >> like visual art, (00:46:54) >> all that's not for me. (00:46:56) >> Yeah. (00:46:56) >> Right. What's not for me I leave there. (00:46:58) >> Right. And I appreciate what I (00:46:59) appreciate. And I And I think that, you (00:47:01) know, not to be the old man on the soap (00:47:04) box, but I think a lot of us a lot of us (00:47:06) oldheads, you know what I'm saying? A (00:47:08) lot of us OG (00:47:09) >> soap box for you to get on cuz you old (00:47:10) man. (00:47:11) >> Yeah. Yeah. A lot of us OG's need to (00:47:13) recognize that there's room for all of (00:47:15) that in hip-hop. Right. (00:47:17) >> Right. Don't listen to what you don't (00:47:18) like, but don't not don't call it not (00:47:20) hip-hop because it's not your style. (00:47:22) >> Yeah, I agree. Yeah. this. So, this is (00:47:26) back to the emotional journey that we (00:47:29) had, but it's still on the lighter side. (00:47:32) Question for both of you all, (00:47:35) why are you a sneaker head? And talk (00:47:38) about it from an emotional standpoint. (00:47:40) [snorts and clears throat] (00:47:41) Going back to my dad, he couldn't uh he (00:47:44) he couldn't afford the sneakers and he (00:47:47) worked his butt off, but he couldn't (00:47:48) afford the sneakers that I wanted all (00:47:51) the time. And back coming up in like the (00:47:54) '9s, (00:47:56) you can go get a pair of sneakers, the (00:47:58) same the same Jordans that come out (00:48:00) right now, they're gone within a minute (00:48:03) or so. (00:48:03) >> Yeah. (00:48:04) >> I remember I used to be able to go and (00:48:07) see the same sneakers in the sneaker (00:48:08) store for 2 months. And I'm like, damn, (00:48:11) Dad, they still got my size. Like, (00:48:13) what's going on, man? I ain't getting no (00:48:15) damn sneakers for you. I got to do this. (00:48:17) We got a cable bill or we got we got, (00:48:19) you know, we got this to do. We got that (00:48:20) to do. And I'm like, then I see uh I see (00:48:23) my friends, they got them. (00:48:25) >> Yeah. (00:48:26) >> So that that would get me into just (00:48:29) again the the the criminal element. (00:48:32) >> I'm like, I I want these shoes. I got to (00:48:35) find a way to get these damn shoes. Um (00:48:37) and which that didn't work well because (00:48:40) I come home with a pair of shoes that (00:48:42) your parents know what they bought. (00:48:44) >> Yeah. Where the hell you get these? (00:48:46) >> Yeah. Where did you get those from? Oh, (00:48:47) you bought No, the hell I didn't. I'm (00:48:50) getting towed from from from (00:48:52) one part of the house to the other until (00:48:54) I tell them where I got the shoes from. (00:48:56) And now I got to take them back. (00:48:58) >> Now I'm embarrassed cuz I got to (00:49:00) whatever whoever I took them from. Now (00:49:02) I'm embarrassed cuz now I got to bring (00:49:03) them back to that person like, "Oh yeah, (00:49:05) I stole your shoes." [laughter] (00:49:07) >> I don't want my I don't want to keep (00:49:09) >> You actually took the shoes back you (00:49:12) took it from. (00:49:12) >> My dad was not about He He (00:49:15) [clears throat] (00:49:15) was literally He did not play that. (00:49:17) >> How old were you? (00:49:18) >> I was young. I was probably like 13. He (00:49:20) He did not play any games with me. (00:49:22) >> So, did he walk you back to take the (00:49:24) shoes or you just like (00:49:26) >> Yes. And this was this was equivalent to (00:49:28) this equivalent to like if I if I like I (00:49:31) remember one time I ran home from uh (00:49:33) from a fight. (00:49:33) >> Mhm. (00:49:34) >> And uh he was like, "How many of them (00:49:37) was it?" I was like, "It's three." He (00:49:39) was like, "Oh, you run home." Like, (00:49:41) "It's three of them." No, we going to go (00:49:44) back. I'm like, "Oh, boy. go back. He He (00:49:49) made sure they they ain't jump me and (00:49:51) he's like, "You got to fight each one of (00:49:53) them because they wanted to fight you." (00:49:55) >> Yeah. (00:49:56) >> He was like, "And if you don't, you (00:49:57) going have to fight me." I'm like, "Mind (00:49:59) you, my dad is at [snorts] that time I (00:50:01) was I was little, so he was his 667 (00:50:05) looked way bigger, (00:50:06) >> right?" (00:50:06) >> And he was just muscular. So I'm like, (00:50:09) [snorts] "All right, yeah, y'all gonna (00:50:11) um whatever he gonna give me, I'm just (00:50:13) gonna give it to y'all." And that was (00:50:15) really it. Like I just I was I was more (00:50:18) afraid of my dad. I'm still even though (00:50:20) he's not here anymore, I was I'm still (00:50:22) more afraid of my dad than I am the (00:50:23) police. (00:50:24) >> Mhm. (00:50:24) >> Wow. (00:50:25) >> Like just the fear that this man had in (00:50:27) me. I was I didn't play with him. (00:50:29) >> Yeah. (00:50:30) >> He made He made my wife (00:50:32) >> That little 13-year-old was still in (00:50:33) there. (00:50:33) >> Yes. He made my wife when he first met (00:50:36) her, he made her drink a cup of what was (00:50:39) it? Um it was uh corn liquor cuz that (00:50:44) was his thing. and he had like flavored (00:50:45) corn liquor and he was like, "Hey, if (00:50:48) you're going to be with my son, you got (00:50:49) to I'm like, "Dude, you trying to put (00:50:50) hair on her chest? What's going on with (00:50:52) you?" [laughter] But she, mind you, she (00:50:55) she scared of him cuz she took I'm like, (00:50:58) "That shit's I know it's tearing you up (00:51:00) inside." And you know, you trying to (00:51:02) hold it in and (00:51:03) >> and she's like, "I'm not going to let (00:51:05) him pump me." (00:51:05) >> Exactly. She take it. And all they used (00:51:08) to do, they used to just crack jokes (00:51:10) back and forth on each other (00:51:12) >> and and you know, she had a good (00:51:14) relationship with him before he passed (00:51:15) away. But um no, we everybody was scared (00:51:17) of my dad. He would do like this this (00:51:19) handshake where (00:51:20) >> he would squeeze the hell out your hand (00:51:22) just to see if if you would break. I was (00:51:24) like, "What is wrong with you?" (00:51:26) [laughter] Like my dad was starting to (00:51:28) think old school old school country down (00:51:33) south just nut job. That's all I'm going (00:51:35) to say. (00:51:36) >> [laughter] (00:51:37) >> Um, I I so I [clears throat] know I was (00:51:39) wanted to ask you about a sneaker head, (00:51:41) but I will come back to that. But you (00:51:42) talked about the the the fear that your (00:51:45) father instilled. (00:51:48) >> How has that shaped you as a father? (00:51:52) >> Um, it it honestly it taught me to be (00:51:56) because my my children um they're not (00:51:58) they're not like how I was. Like I said, (00:52:01) like they always say like each (00:52:02) generation like the generation gets (00:52:04) softer. So, I know that I can't be hard (00:52:07) on my kids how my dad was on me. So, I (00:52:10) have to be I had to handle them with kid (00:52:12) gloves, right? And I had to handle them (00:52:13) a little differently. If they do (00:52:15) something, I'm not going to jump down (00:52:16) their throat because at the end of the (00:52:18) day, like [clears throat] my oldest son, (00:52:20) he's on he's high functioning, but he's (00:52:21) on the autistic spectrum. (00:52:23) >> And um his was mostly for um (00:52:28) like transitioning. He didn't like (00:52:29) change. (00:52:30) >> Yeah. (00:52:30) >> So, he would flip out. Um, but if that (00:52:34) was me when I was young. (00:52:36) >> Mhm. (00:52:36) >> My dad has something called the cat of (00:52:38) non tails. Um, it was it was [snorts] (00:52:40) basically a rubber tire that he cut five (00:52:43) fingers into. So once the first part hit (00:52:46) you, the five fingers would follow (00:52:48) afterwards. So it's like you're getting (00:52:48) a double whipon. (00:52:49) >> Mhm. And um and I like I know that (00:52:53) probably once I'm seeing this on the (00:52:54) podcast, somebody that's going to watch (00:52:56) it be like I remember the cat and non (00:52:57) tales cuz he was from it's it's a (00:52:59) southern thing and (00:53:01) >> [clears throat] (00:53:02) >> um but I can't do that to I for now now (00:53:05) you beat your kid now you're going to (00:53:06) jail, (00:53:07) >> right? (00:53:07) >> So I'm not going to beat my kid now. But (00:53:10) Liam, my oldest son, Liam would if if he (00:53:13) was with my dad back then, he would have (00:53:14) got his little butt (00:53:15) >> to. Mhm. (00:53:16) >> But if my now if my son does anything (00:53:18) that I did, I'm not going to I'm not (00:53:20) going to bring you know, you got to (00:53:22) handle kids differently. Now, (00:53:24) >> I I'll [snorts] I'll say this. Um (00:53:27) I I don't think the each generation is (00:53:30) getting softer. I think each generation (00:53:32) is getting in touch with their emotions. (00:53:35) >> That's my personal opinion. (00:53:36) >> A lot more doors, like you said, a lot (00:53:38) more doors are opening for us to, you (00:53:40) know, get our dirty laundry out and (00:53:42) clean it. [clears throat] Well, because (00:53:43) and I don't want to get on my old man's (00:53:45) soap box, but you know, people like to (00:53:46) say, "Well, our ancestors were strong (00:53:48) and they were slaves and this and but I (00:53:50) don't think people, you know, if you do (00:53:51) your [clears throat] research, you'll (00:53:52) see that there were tools and apparatus (00:53:54) to prevent slaves from committing (00:53:56) suicide." (00:53:58) >> Mhm. (00:53:58) >> Right. And I just saw the statistic the (00:54:00) other day. I think close to 2 million (00:54:02) people died (00:54:04) >> or jumped off the ship or killed on the (00:54:05) ship in the middle passage. (00:54:07) >> Right. So, you know, I don't think it's (00:54:09) about soft. It's about we have tools (00:54:11) that they didn't have available to them. (00:54:13) They have we have outlets that weren't (00:54:15) available. (00:54:16) >> Yeah. (00:54:16) >> To them. Right. (00:54:17) >> But I want to come back to you. Why are (00:54:20) you a sneaker head? (00:54:21) >> Yo, mine's uh mine's probably on the (00:54:25) opposite spectrum of your reason. (00:54:27) >> Oh, you was you was you was available to (00:54:29) afford your shoes. (00:54:30) >> I was not. (00:54:31) >> Oh. But what happened was because I (00:54:34) didn't have the resources to uh afford (00:54:37) the shoes, (00:54:38) >> I suppressed the want. (00:54:40) >> Ah, okay. (00:54:41) >> Right. I I convinced myself that, oh, (00:54:44) you don't really want that. You you (00:54:46) that's not really important. And and I (00:54:48) did that and I'm discovering cuz I'm (00:54:50) processing this [ __ ] real time, this (00:54:52) conversation. I'm discovering that I did (00:54:54) that with a lot of things throughout my (00:54:56) childhood. I convinced myself that I (00:54:59) didn't want or need that thing because (00:55:01) [clears throat] I it it wasn't easily (00:55:03) attainable for me or or attainable at (00:55:05) all (00:55:08) >> once I got access once I had access to (00:55:11) to dollars uh going off to college. And (00:55:15) I think I've told you this story before (00:55:16) of when I got that first refund check, I (00:55:19) went [clears throat] from hand me down (00:55:21) clothes to polo everything, bro. (00:55:25) And that's where then I started buying (00:55:28) more shoes. But the but the but the (00:55:30) sneaker head thing as he call it and I (00:55:32) really consider myself a junior sneaker (00:55:34) head. I'm not I'm not quite involved (00:55:36) like this guy. (00:55:38) >> Where where it really took off for me is (00:55:41) when I was able to get to a place of (00:55:44) having that disposable income and be (00:55:47) able to buy shoes that I liked a lot. (00:55:50) Not just the shoes I could afford. like (00:55:52) it slowly started coming out and the (00:55:55) connections to the childhood like the (00:55:57) Pumas, you know, that you got on today, (00:55:59) like we talked about, like all of those (00:56:01) things that I used to see like, oh, now (00:56:04) I can do this. Now I can lean into that (00:56:05) and it just kind of took off from there. (00:56:08) >> And for me, I view sneakers as art (00:56:11) pieces. [clears throat] (00:56:12) >> So this is this is I don't buy like all (00:56:15) the beautiful art that we see in our in (00:56:17) our set. Like I buy sneakers. Like (00:56:19) that's the way I adorn myself (00:56:23) >> physically and even mentally and (00:56:25) emotionally. (00:56:26) >> Emotionally. (00:56:26) >> Yeah. I was going to say it definitely (00:56:28) is an emotional connection for me. (00:56:30) >> Um and it was actually a part of my (00:56:32) transformation cuz I did not buy (00:56:34) sneakers until (00:56:36) after I went through my breakdown. (00:56:40) >> Yeah. I was dress shoes, hard bottom (00:56:43) shoes, like all kind. won't call the (00:56:45) brands cuz they ain't paying us, but (00:56:47) Italian brands, you know, all this stuff (00:56:49) that I was and then I went through that (00:56:53) and I was like, "This ain't me. (00:56:55) >> I [clears throat] think I got three (00:56:56) pairs of hard bottom shoes now and just (00:56:58) a plethora of sneakers. They'll call it (00:57:00) that." Um, so it was plethora, like two, (00:57:03) >> you know what? Shut up. Um, I know you (00:57:05) ain't talking. Um, (00:57:08) >> you know, my my wife, it was I was out (00:57:10) of control for a while. like it was (00:57:11) sneakers were showing up probably one (00:57:13) box a week for for months and it was it (00:57:16) was crazy. Yeah. Um, so it's, you know, (00:57:20) it it became a problem, you know, so now (00:57:22) I'm I'm I'm on a break, right? (00:57:24) [laughter] I'm on a break, you know, for (00:57:25) a multitude of reasons through financial (00:57:27) limitations. It is what it is. (00:57:30) >> But, um, but yeah, that's kind of my (00:57:32) story. And yes, you alluded to the (00:57:33) Pumas, and I'll tell that story and then (00:57:34) we need to go ahead and close out, but (00:57:36) that, you know, I'm rocking these Pumas (00:57:38) today. Um, and it's funny, one of our (00:57:41) producers saw, and he was like, "Man, (00:57:42) you just took me back to a 13-year-old." (00:57:44) What's what's ironic to about that is (00:57:47) like the Pumas that I have on were the (00:57:49) exact Pumas that I bought when I was 13. (00:57:51) Oh wow. (00:57:52) >> It was my first pair of sneakers that I (00:57:55) really really wanted and that I saved up (00:57:57) my money for. And I'll never forget they (00:57:59) were $55. This is this is how much it is (00:58:02) ingrained in my brain. And then I let (00:58:04) them sit (00:58:06) >> cuz then I had to save up to get the fat (00:58:08) laces from the flea market at 183rd (00:58:11) Street and 27th Avenue. with the 183rd (00:58:13) Street Flea Market. This is this is you (00:58:15) see how how vivid this is in my mind so (00:58:18) that I could get the fat laces cuz you (00:58:20) know I buy these and fat laces come with (00:58:22) them. Back then it was like you got the (00:58:23) skinny laces and you got to save up for (00:58:25) the fat laces and you know so it was you (00:58:27) know it's it is that's how much of a (00:58:31) emotional tie sneakers are for me. (00:58:33) >> Yeah. (00:58:33) >> Um because you know my parents are like (00:58:35) it's not like you couldn't afford them. (00:58:36) I was like I it just you all would take (00:58:38) me to Tom. You weren't taking me (00:58:40) [clears throat] to Foot Locker. (00:58:41) >> Mhm. Right. (00:58:42) >> That's the store. (00:58:43) >> Tom McCann. (00:58:44) >> Tom McCann. Remember, I couldn't (00:58:46) remember the story. (00:58:47) >> Oh, that was it. Yeah. So, but anyway, (00:58:49) I'm gonna I'm gonna start wrapping this (00:58:51) up. Um, there two questions we like to (00:58:54) ask and depending on how you answer one (00:58:57) might be a third question. It just (00:58:58) depends. But um the first question of (00:59:03) the last set of questions is we'd like (00:59:06) to get your opinion on the fact that (00:59:09) people see black men as a beast in this (00:59:11) world. (00:59:13) Huh. (00:59:16) Ah man. Um (00:59:18) that kind of goes behind the scenes of (00:59:20) what me and you were talking about with (00:59:22) just the whole laundry. You know what (00:59:24) Mike and witnessed the other day. Uh (00:59:28) damn. I don't even know how to answer (00:59:29) that one really. (00:59:32) I think we're we're misunderstood. Um, (00:59:36) as black men, um, we're prejudged. Uh, (00:59:40) me and my wife, we we were just in the (00:59:42) elevator and, uh, immediately two two, (00:59:46) um, two women clutched the clutch their (00:59:48) purses. Mind you, we're in there as a (00:59:50) family. We have our two boys with us and (00:59:54) clutch their purses. It's just like, (00:59:55) why? (00:59:57) And she's like, I wanted to say (00:59:58) something so bad. Like, man, we're not (01:00:00) going to do nothing. It's like, you're (01:00:02) going to give them that satisfaction. (01:00:03) They already they already look at us a (01:00:06) certain way. Um, so (01:00:10) I think we're just misunderstood. Yeah. (01:00:13) [snorts] All right. And then last (01:00:15) question, just cuz we like to end here, (01:00:18) um, on a positive note, is what in this (01:00:21) world makes you feel loved? (01:00:29) that I'll go back to just the reason why (01:00:32) I wake up every morning. Um, just my (01:00:35) family. Um, just cuz [snorts] before I (01:00:38) had them, I ain't really have nothing to (01:00:40) care about. So, that's that's really the (01:00:43) reason. So, you know what? I do want to (01:00:45) follow with one more thing. Um, (01:00:49) do me a favor. I'd love for you to kind (01:00:50) of leave some words of inspiration for (01:00:53) people who are going through some things (01:00:54) in their life and um speak life into men (01:00:59) out there in the world. Um (01:01:03) I would say grief is a thief. Um don't (01:01:06) let it don't let it take your smile (01:01:08) away. Um (01:01:10) that's that's really what I dealt with. (01:01:12) Uh just letting grief just steal my (01:01:14) smile away. And I'm I'm fighting back (01:01:17) with it now and getting it back. getting (01:01:18) back to who I used to be and um just (01:01:24) just really [snorts] just focus on (01:01:26) yourself because (01:01:29) that was another thing that I didn't do. (01:01:30) I didn't I was always focused on (01:01:32) everyone else and I never focused on (01:01:34) myself and um I'm starting to love (01:01:37) myself again (01:01:39) >> and that's that's really what it is. I'm (01:01:41) starting to love myself again and um (01:01:43) letting grief not steal from me anymore. (01:01:49) Well, thank you again, brother. I really (01:01:50) appreciate you coming and making time. I (01:01:52) know you're you're in town for the (01:01:54) Bronzlands Film Festival, you know, (01:01:56) showing your your movie Laundry. Um, (01:01:59) which again is a profound piece of art. (01:02:01) Um, and I I appreciate what you were (01:02:03) offering to this world. I appreciate (01:02:05) your inspiration and we appreciate you (01:02:08) being on our podcast. (01:02:09) >> 100%. Thank you, man. (01:02:11) >> And with that, we're out.