Communicate with Confidence: The Blueprint for Mastering Every Conversation (YouTube Video Transcript)

(00:00:00) Your YouTube transcript will appear here (00:00:00) what you say is who you are the power to (00:00:04) communicate is that you compress your (00:00:06) entire personality into just what they (00:00:10) hear you say because what is sent is not (00:00:13) what is received so what you thought you (00:00:17) said is not what they heard the question (00:00:20) is what did you hear people will admire (00:00:23) you more they will see you as somebody (00:00:25) with more respect and more confidence (00:00:27) every time when you say what you want to (00:00:29) say fully no wonder so many people (00:00:31) follow (00:00:34) you hey it's your friend Mel I am so (00:00:37) excited that you're here it's always (00:00:38) such an honor to spend time with you and (00:00:40) to be together and if you're brand new (00:00:42) welcome to the Mel Robins podcast family (00:00:45) I also want to take a moment and just (00:00:46) acknowledge you for taking time to (00:00:48) listen to something that can truly help (00:00:50) you live a better life I have been super (00:00:53) stressed because I've got some big (00:00:54) deadlines with my next book coming out (00:00:57) and look I'm human I can try my best but (00:01:00) there days where I still take my stress (00:01:02) out on my family and when I snap at them (00:01:05) I'm always quick to apologize and I'm (00:01:07) always saying I'm really sorry I didn't (00:01:08) mean to be a jerk I didn't mean to use (00:01:10) that tone of voice I was just so (00:01:12) stressed well according to Jefferson (00:01:15) Fischer who is in our Boston Studios (00:01:17) today blaming your bad behavior on (00:01:20) stress is a bad apology there's a better (00:01:24) way for you to communicate and you and I (00:01:26) are going to learn how to be a better (00:01:28) Communicator from Jefferson Fisher let (00:01:31) me tell you a little about him he's a (00:01:32) trial lawyer who has millions of (00:01:34) followers online who turn to him every (00:01:37) single day for his powerful and poignant (00:01:39) communication tips Jefferson says what (00:01:42) you say is who you are you can learn how (00:01:45) to be more articulate confident and (00:01:47) persuasive and you know what I love most (00:01:49) about Jefferson is that the videos that (00:01:51) millions of people are watching every (00:01:52) day he's making them in the front seat (00:01:55) of his car in between court cases and (00:01:57) meetings with his clients his advice is (00:01:59) simple packs a powerful punch so I (00:02:02) tracked him down and Jefferson has put (00:02:05) his cases on hold he's flown here from (00:02:06) Texas to be in our Boston Studios to (00:02:09) tell you and me exactly what to say and (00:02:12) when you should say nothing at all (00:02:15) Jefferson welcome to the Mel Robbins (00:02:17) podcast Mel Robbins thank you for having (00:02:19) me oh my gosh I'm so thrilled that you (00:02:22) are here where I would really love to (00:02:24) start is Jefferson could you tell the (00:02:27) person listening how their life might (00:02:29) change (00:02:30) if they take everything that you're (00:02:32) about to share with us today to heart (00:02:35) and they apply it in their life they (00:02:38) will have the power to (00:02:40) change everything they could want to (00:02:43) about their life their relationships and (00:02:48) where they want to go because for the (00:02:50) vast majority of people and especially (00:02:53) any person who listens right now what (00:02:56) you (00:02:57) say is who you are the to (00:03:01) people that's the only time they will (00:03:03) experience who you are you can't be a (00:03:06) kind person if you don't say kind things (00:03:10) when you hear somebody say oh that (00:03:12) person was nice well what you mean is (00:03:14) they said nice things to me same thing (00:03:17) with somebody's rude you hear something (00:03:19) you don't like so it's the power to (00:03:20) communicate in the tips that I give are (00:03:24) short concise of how they can be better (00:03:28) and improve the next conversation that (00:03:29) they have (00:03:31) I freaking love I've never heard (00:03:33) anybody (00:03:35) describe the power of your words and the (00:03:38) way in which you communicate that the (00:03:40) things that you say is who you are it (00:03:42) it's your entire it's the only way (00:03:44) they'll experience you like they might (00:03:46) see that kind deed vast majority of the (00:03:49) time they're going to only hear what you (00:03:52) say so you find that the power to (00:03:55) communicate is that you compress your (00:03:57) entire personality into just what they (00:04:01) hear you (00:04:02) say huh yeah now I think everybody who (00:04:06) is either like shy or a little insecure (00:04:10) or feels maybe like they're an introvert (00:04:13) is now like oh gosh because I keep my (00:04:16) mouth shut can anybody learn to be a (00:04:18) better Communicator anybody can it it (00:04:20) doesn't matter if you say two words 20 (00:04:24) words often you can say a lot with less (00:04:27) than you can with more words so it's (00:04:30) it's not about oh I'm an introvert I'm (00:04:32) too shy I can never that's not the point (00:04:35) more words is not better communication (00:04:38) oh I love that too I I'm going to learn (00:04:40) a lot from you because I tend to be (00:04:42) somebody who just vomits it all out and (00:04:45) I feel like I could learn how to say (00:04:48) less well that's not a bad thing (00:04:50) sometimes it's not it's not bad to to (00:04:52) say more either we'll see what you think (00:04:53) about my communication style I'm curious (00:04:55) because I love following you online (00:04:57) millions of people have discovered you (00:04:59) and love watching watching you as you (00:05:01) sit in the front seat of your car you're (00:05:04) squeezing this advice in in between (00:05:06) cases that you're doing in court in (00:05:08) between meetings with clients how did (00:05:10) you get started doing this and why do (00:05:13) you think millions of people are (00:05:14) following you and loving your advice (00:05:17) well thank you I left a big defense firm (00:05:20) that big law and I just I wasn't happy (00:05:23) anymore I was a partner there and I went (00:05:25) from having a team to just being by (00:05:27) myself with my laptop and coffee shops (00:05:30) and I started thinking well I need to (00:05:32) get on social media and then that (00:05:34) quickly turned into I feel like I'm (00:05:36) selling myself you see all these (00:05:37) billboards with personal injury (00:05:39) attorneys I thought that's not who I (00:05:41) want to be what can I do to just be a (00:05:43) light in the world what what's my legacy (00:05:46) going to be and I I guide my principles (00:05:51) on is this something my kids would be (00:05:53) proud of so that really hits home for me (00:05:56) of what kind of Legacy can I leave even (00:05:58) if I'm not here and and so I decided I (00:06:02) was going to teach people on something (00:06:04) that I feel I know better than anybody (00:06:06) in my world and that's how to (00:06:08) communicate the lessons that I've (00:06:09) learned so I got my phone and my car and (00:06:12) made my first how to argue like a lawyer (00:06:14) video wow and the rest is history and (00:06:17) the rest is history so it's been almost (00:06:19) two years and millions and millions of (00:06:22) followers online and why do you think (00:06:24) people follow you the videos are short (00:06:27) uh-huh they're very succinct mhm and (00:06:30) they give them that light bul moment of (00:06:31) oh I could do that what I talk about is (00:06:33) very practical uh what I talk about is (00:06:37) not hypothetical it's not based on some (00:06:40) study it is in the trenches it's real (00:06:43) conflict that we deal with from opposing (00:06:46) attorneys to having to argue before (00:06:49) judges you have your own clients that (00:06:51) may or may not agree with you so it's (00:06:54) communicating at all different levels (00:06:56) that's very practical and relatable and (00:06:58) giving it to them in a way that they're (00:06:59) like hey this guy's he's an attorney but (00:07:01) yet he's in his car and he's talking to (00:07:03) me like I'm a real human it's you it's (00:07:05) not that hard well what I love about (00:07:07) what you're saying and this is true is (00:07:10) that most of us I believe especially (00:07:14) when we are either uncomfortable or we (00:07:17) have to have a difficult conversation we (00:07:19) focus on this idea that you have to win (00:07:22) MH and a lot of people see lawyers and (00:07:25) they think oh it's all about arguing and (00:07:27) winning and you forget the fact that no (00:07:29) you actually have have to navigate (00:07:30) judges and juries and Court officers and (00:07:33) clerks and other attorneys that you're (00:07:36) going to see and the ability to have (00:07:38) people listen is just as important what (00:07:41) do you think most of us get wrong about (00:07:45) how we (00:07:47) communicate that arguments are something (00:07:49) to win not something to unravel I teach (00:07:54) that arguments are are not in the (00:07:56) conversation and what gets worse is when (00:07:59) you pull pull your way and I pull my way (00:08:02) versus looking at it and saying help me (00:08:04) with the knot how can we unravel this (00:08:07) how can we smooth it out never win an (00:08:09) argument if somebody's telling you or (00:08:12) teaching you or you read some book on (00:08:13) how to win every argument they're just (00:08:15) selling you something okay then let me (00:08:17) give you an example you ready I'm ready (00:08:18) last night we go out to dinner it is my (00:08:20) mother-in-law's 87th birthday happy (00:08:22) birthday yes happy birthday to Judy and (00:08:24) so we're out with the family and I of (00:08:26) course have a conversation that happened (00:08:29) at the table (00:08:30) I said something that I immediately (00:08:32) wanted to take back my husband and I are (00:08:35) now leaving we've all been there right (00:08:37) you have stuck foot in mouth your (00:08:40) partner is now angry with you we get (00:08:44) into the car I was not driving somebody (00:08:46) else was driving so we hop into the Uber (00:08:49) and Chris turns to me he's like why did (00:08:51) you have to say that yeah and so can you (00:08:54) explain in this situation that I think (00:08:56) we can all relate to where now you you (00:09:00) are about to have an argument with (00:09:01) somebody and you are describing that (00:09:05) arguments are like a notot so what do I (00:09:08) do in this situation where I'm about to (00:09:11) go into fullon defend me mode how do I (00:09:14) get out of this mess yeah well sometimes (00:09:17) it just takes a big shovel but anytime (00:09:19) there's miscommunication it is because (00:09:21) what is sent is not what is received so (00:09:25) what you thought you said is not what (00:09:28) they heard m and often you're just on (00:09:31) different (00:09:32) frequencies if I were to turn my radio (00:09:35) to '90s Country yes which I love and you (00:09:38) turned it on I don't know let's say (00:09:40) 2000s R&B okay you'd be going this (00:09:43) sounds great I'm like uh no this sounds (00:09:46) great and we're still rocking to our own (00:09:49) sounds and we're not on the same channel (00:09:52) and so when you're in that back seat and (00:09:55) you're talking with Chris and he's going (00:09:56) why' you say that the question is what (00:09:58) did you hear (00:10:01) oh and so it's that understanding of (00:10:03) what did you hear when I said that (00:10:05) because I know what I meant what did you (00:10:08) hear and so it's this pushing of when (00:10:11) it's only going how you say it in your (00:10:14) head nobody else is hearing that what (00:10:17) did you hear right that's amazing (00:10:21) because the second he said why did you (00:10:24) say (00:10:25) that I felt attacked of course and as I (00:10:29) sit here in the like bright daylight (00:10:33) right and I've got distance from it I (00:10:35) don't actually think I put my foot in my (00:10:36) mouth MH I know what my intention was (00:10:39) you know yes yeah and so the next time (00:10:42) you're in an argument with somebody and (00:10:45) that not starts to build and you can (00:10:48) feel yourself yanking on it because you (00:10:50) go into a mode of Defending yourself if (00:10:53) somebody says to you why did you say (00:10:55) that or they attack you on something (00:10:58) your response is what did you hear (00:11:01) exactly wow well and to your defense to (00:11:05) ask somebody why you said that that why (00:11:07) word puts everybody on the defense (00:11:10) because it sounds like you're attacking (00:11:11) you're undermining their credibility (00:11:13) okay so let's reverse the rules here (00:11:15) let's say my husband Chris says (00:11:17) something really stupid or like you know (00:11:19) that I'm like why would he say something (00:11:21) like that if I'm now the (00:11:23) one and in the car with him mhm and he (00:11:26) has said something at a party or like (00:11:30) around family that I just wanted to (00:11:32) reach out and choke them obviously I (00:11:34) wouldn't but what would you say instead (00:11:35) of why would you say that I would use (00:11:38) the word what instead of starting with (00:11:40) why which puts you on the defensive (00:11:42) because when you say why the first thing (00:11:44) you want to say is because I said so (00:11:46) that's why right uh that autonomy that (00:11:48) you feel but instead it's the the what (00:11:51) what was going through your head when (00:11:53) that happened or what made you say this (00:11:56) it's that Curiosity of I'm just curious (00:11:58) of of how you got there instead of the (00:12:02) pushing the why why'd you do this why'd (00:12:04) you do it that way I love that because (00:12:07) you're right one is judgment and the (00:12:09) other is curiosity right one is poking (00:12:11) and the other is leaning in it's the (00:12:13) whole student versus uh teacher (00:12:16) mentality instead of feeling like you're (00:12:18) having a push you're having something to (00:12:20) to learn about it no wonder so many (00:12:21) people follow you what what do you what (00:12:23) is the secret to getting better to (00:12:25) talking to people it's not really a (00:12:27) secret as much it is a process of (00:12:29) wanting to express yourself in a way of (00:12:32) saying what you mean more because often (00:12:37) you want to say the thing but you're (00:12:39) hesitant about it you're not sure (00:12:41) exactly how you want to to put it across (00:12:43) so you feel like you need to kind of (00:12:45) dance around it okay and often you just (00:12:48) need to jump right in that sounds scary (00:12:51) for a lot of people it is scary but I (00:12:52) mean you you cold plunge uh you know so (00:12:56) it's it's worse when you go inch by inch (00:12:59) so can you give us an example especially (00:13:01) as you're listening to (00:13:03) Jefferson if you have a conversation or (00:13:07) there's something that you wish you (00:13:08) could communicate more effectively how (00:13:11) do you do it let's put it in terms of a (00:13:14) difficult conversation for them so (00:13:15) whoever's listening I want you to (00:13:16) imagine you were about to walk into (00:13:19) somebody's office and there's going to (00:13:21) be that hard conversation in the room (00:13:23) and let's just say it's a topic of (00:13:26) something that is it's bad news put your (00:13:29) mind wherever it is it is you walk in (00:13:31) and somebody goes so uh so how are you (00:13:33) how are you lately you've been good (00:13:35) pickle ball games all right well that's (00:13:37) that's good well um your family's good (00:13:41) well listen uh hey uh I I have something (00:13:45) that we've been talking about and listen (00:13:46) I I know it's not that big of a deal and (00:13:48) I I want you to understand you're making (00:13:49) me panic I'm listening to you Jefferson (00:13:51) ex because it's that fear of the unknown (00:13:53) metal versus let's say the different (00:13:55) scenario you come in say thank you for (00:13:58) meeting with me (00:14:00) well I have bad news you deliver that (00:14:03) bad news versus this isn't going to be a (00:14:06) fun (00:14:07) conversation you say that this isn't (00:14:10) going to be fun for us to talk about (00:14:11) this isn't my favorite conversation I (00:14:13) have you prepare them for it often (00:14:16) you're afraid to disappoint (00:14:18) people and what that really is is you (00:14:21) don't believe that they have enough (00:14:22) emotional resiliency to handle it so you (00:14:25) need to to Baby them to tiptoe into the (00:14:29) water instead of Dipping right in people (00:14:31) will admire you more they will see you (00:14:33) as somebody with more respect and more (00:14:35) confidence every time when you say what (00:14:37) you want to say (00:14:38) fully wow do you do that with your kids (00:14:41) too as much as I can but of course I'm (00:14:45) in a very loving way gotcha yeah I mean (00:14:47) it makes sense because I think a lot of (00:14:49) the advices and I will admit I think (00:14:51) I've even given this advice in the past (00:14:53) is like okay well make a sandwich got to (00:14:55) say something positive and then you (00:14:56) stick in the meat which is the negative (00:14:58) part and people see see it coming yeah I (00:15:00) don't like the sandwich okay you just go (00:15:02) right for the meat well you can put in (00:15:04) some bread but I feel like it's (00:15:05) disingenuous to make them have to go (00:15:08) what do you mean what are you saying (00:15:09) what do you you kind of have to just sit (00:15:11) there and wait and it's painful rather (00:15:14) than going right into it I there's still (00:15:17) a place to be kind there's still a place (00:15:20) to be very direct and and how you talk (00:15:22) to your kids depends on your kids's age (00:15:25) how I speak to my four and six-year-old (00:15:27) is different how my father spoke to me (00:15:29) when I was 16 when I would come to him (00:15:31) and complain and he and he'd go you (00:15:34) don't have to like it you just need to (00:15:36) understand it right and it's that whole (00:15:38) different mentality of I can deliver all (00:15:42) the truth and still be (00:15:45) kind I want to pull that thread for a (00:15:47) minute because one of the reasons why we (00:15:52) do not communicate directly with people (00:15:55) is because we believe that if somebody (00:15:57) can't handle the truth or if they're (00:16:00) going to have a an emotional reaction or (00:16:03) if they're going to feel like upset or (00:16:05) disappointed in themselves that somehow (00:16:08) it's (00:16:09) kinder to avoid it or soft pedal it or (00:16:15) not be as direct and what you teach in a (00:16:20) very effective way is that it's actually (00:16:24) one of the (00:16:28) cruestv truth to lie to their face and (00:16:32) treat them one way but then go behind (00:16:34) closed doors and actually complain about (00:16:37) what they're doing and not tell them (00:16:38) wholeheartedly and that somewhere along (00:16:41) the line we have confused kindness with (00:16:46) actually lying to people and that's (00:16:49) actually cruel in one of the worst ways (00:16:52) especially for people that you (00:16:53) love whenever you skirt around the truth (00:16:57) whenever you come at a conversation in a (00:17:00) very indirect way you are saying to them (00:17:03) I don't believe you're emotionally (00:17:04) strong enough to handle (00:17:06) this versus me saying well I'm telling (00:17:10) you this because I know you can handle (00:17:12) it now you strengthen them and often (00:17:15) what you say you you you're giving them (00:17:17) the the armor to handle it you're giving (00:17:20) them the backpack for the trip that (00:17:21) they're about to be on o I love that and (00:17:24) you know what else I loved is I love (00:17:25) that thing you added there so you I want (00:17:28) to make sure that as you're listening (00:17:31) you are sticking these takeaways into (00:17:33) that backpack that Jefferson just (00:17:35) alluded to and so you said first of all (00:17:40) that you just go right in like just jump (00:17:42) right into the deep end of the pool (00:17:44) don't be tap dancing around the topic (00:17:46) And Delay getting to it this is not (00:17:48) going to be an easy conversation but (00:17:50) then you have just added this thing that (00:17:51) I loved which is but I'm telling you (00:17:54) this because I know you can handle it (00:17:57) and I want you to hear the truth or I (00:17:59) want want you to know how I feel about (00:18:00) this or I you don't have to like it but (00:18:03) you need to know this and you just (00:18:06) lifted me up a little bit when you said (00:18:08) I'm telling you this because I think you (00:18:10) can handle it and that makes me go yeah (00:18:12) I think I can too so lay it on me even (00:18:14) though it's kind of suck yeah exactly (00:18:16) you have to in many ways what you say to (00:18:19) them is going to give them the value (00:18:21) that you want them to hold so I'm (00:18:23) telling you this because I know you (00:18:24) believe in transparency I'm coming to (00:18:27) you with this and I know it's not to (00:18:29) talk about you're somebody who can (00:18:32) handle it I know you have big shoulders (00:18:34) you you tell them the quality that you (00:18:36) want them to have and they and they will (00:18:38) rise up to it they'll stand up straight (00:18:39) into it oh I love that you tell someone (00:18:43) the qualities that you want them to have (00:18:46) and people rise up into it every time (00:18:49) when you say something to them for (00:18:51) example let's say Mel I know that you're (00:18:54) somebody that takes value in people's (00:18:57) words or that you value patience they go (00:19:00) oh yeah and in their mind they're (00:19:02) thinking yeah oh yeah I'm patient yeah (00:19:04) hey Greg I'm telling you this because I (00:19:06) know you you have an open mind all of a (00:19:08) sudden Greg's like I do have an open (00:19:10) mind yes I do and so it is you you you (00:19:13) tweak the you can do that in same thing (00:19:15) when you walk into a room so if you (00:19:17) don't feel comfortable saying it (00:19:18) directly about the person you can say (00:19:20) what this room is what do you mean what (00:19:22) does that mean you walk and say I want (00:19:23) to make sure that this room is one that (00:19:25) I can be entirely truthful in so where (00:19:28) would you you use that like at work yeah (00:19:31) let's say you're in somebody's office (00:19:32) okay it doesn't have to be like the room (00:19:34) of truth I'm just saying like wherever (00:19:36) you are you say it to yourself or you (00:19:37) say that say that out loud I want to (00:19:39) make sure that this is a place of (00:19:41) honesty I want to make sure that I'm (00:19:42) speaking in a place that's free to say (00:19:45) what I need to say are we good with that (00:19:47) and they go yeah I love this because you (00:19:51) know in then lawyer speak You're (00:19:52) basically leading a witness oh yeah but (00:19:55) it works like a charm and I've never (00:19:56) really thought about that as a strategy (00:19:59) to tell people how I want you to react (00:20:02) to something and you add that on to what (00:20:05) I call a a frame in the in the (00:20:07) conversation so you you tell (00:20:09) somebody you go a step further and that (00:20:12) is you tell them how you want the (00:20:13) conversation to end okay so tell me this (00:20:16) so let's say uh you made a comment at (00:20:20) dinner yes last night okay yes okay so (00:20:24) and and it's this concept of you tell (00:20:26) them what you want to talk about you (00:20:28) tell them how you want the feel after (00:20:30) you end the conversation and you get (00:20:31) their agreement to it you'd step into it (00:20:34) and say i' like to talk to you about a (00:20:35) comment you made last night at dinner (00:20:39) and I want to walk away from that (00:20:40) conversation knowing that this isn't a (00:20:42) topic you're going to bring up again in (00:20:43) front of other people that sound good (00:20:46) that that sounds like I'm in trouble je (00:20:48) Jefferson so now I'm Lally going I'm not (00:20:50) going to bring it up ever again but but (00:20:52) you get what I mean or or let's say um a (00:20:55) comment that you made at a meeting last (00:20:57) week and I want to make sure that you (00:20:58) and and I are on the same wavelength the (00:21:00) next meeting that we have does that work (00:21:03) and they go that works and now you have (00:21:04) a frame and now you know exactly what (00:21:06) the conversation is about and what it's (00:21:08) not about because if you talk about (00:21:10) everything then you you really talk (00:21:12) about nothing you've had those meetings (00:21:14) where all right everybody we got a we (00:21:16) got a lot to do today we have a lot to (00:21:18) talk about and you leave those meetings (00:21:20) feeling like you really like every (00:21:21) meeting you didn't talk about anything (00:21:22) yes that that's every meeting that I (00:21:24) lead so now I'm going to use your (00:21:27) Technique um question for how do you (00:21:30) talk to somebody that you don't (00:21:32) like nobody wants to feel (00:21:35) fake but what do you (00:21:39) do well if you're in a position where (00:21:41) you have to talk to somebody you don't (00:21:43) like yes that does not give you any (00:21:46) reason to be less (00:21:48) likable it's that mentality of you know (00:21:52) don't argue with a fool because (00:21:54) onlookers won't know the difference um (00:21:56) forgot who said that quote but it's that (00:21:59) that idea of if you're talking to (00:22:00) somebody you don't like well you're (00:22:02) going to talk to them as if you do how (00:22:04) do you do that you just be who you are (00:22:06) understand that you're not trying to (00:22:07) convince the other person to like you or (00:22:10) convince yourself to like the other (00:22:11) person you're convincing the people (00:22:13) around you because they're watching you (00:22:16) they're watching how you talk to (00:22:17) somebody they're watching how you treat (00:22:19) other people and if you need to just (00:22:21) just go neutral just just stick with (00:22:23) basic facts instead of trying to get (00:22:25) cute and make these off-hand comments (00:22:27) and roll your eyes and cross your arm (00:22:29) arms instead just be very neutral in the (00:22:31) conversation they ask you what time it (00:22:33) is instead of going well you know uh if (00:22:35) you were here or are you so you don't (00:22:37) got to watch okay uh instead of doing (00:22:40) that you just tell them the time be very (00:22:42) quick with it get in get out you don't (00:22:44) need to have more conversation than you (00:22:45) need to but you never want to give (00:22:47) somebody a reason especially somebody (00:22:49) who's not in the conversation not to (00:22:50) like you how do you handle somebody that (00:22:54) kind of belittles you they're like (00:22:56) picking on your weight or their (00:23:00) constantly like are you still single (00:23:02) like you know like you know like you (00:23:03) know how people like especially people (00:23:05) that you're close with have a way of (00:23:07) belittling you right what do you do in (00:23:09) those situations when somebody's (00:23:11) belittling you or giving you a insult (00:23:14) that hurtful comment you make them say (00:23:17) it again because what they're hoping to (00:23:19) do in that belittling comment is get (00:23:22) that reaction out of you and instead you (00:23:25) find a way to take all the fun out of it (00:23:29) so when you ask them to repeat what they (00:23:31) said you're not giving them that hit of (00:23:34) dopamine that they were expecting from (00:23:35) your reaction they're not getting that (00:23:37) that response time from you instead (00:23:39) you're delaying that gratification for (00:23:41) them then it's just not worth it then (00:23:43) it's just not fun and so when you ask (00:23:45) them to repeat it to say I need you to (00:23:47) say that again we need to role play this (00:23:50) sure um I'm trying to think of a (00:23:52) scenario you just said right there um (00:23:54) you're still (00:23:55) single I need you to repeat that yeah (00:23:58) you so (00:23:59) exactly I'm not going to want to say (00:24:01) that again because now that Spotlight is (00:24:04) on (00:24:04) me and then also what you lead up with (00:24:07) that is you ask questions of intent for (00:24:10) example did you say that to hurt (00:24:12) me and now it's this mirror that they (00:24:15) feel like why did I say that oh okay and (00:24:18) then they start to backtrack then you (00:24:20) don't have to say anything so if uh (00:24:24) somebody says to you uh oh so you're (00:24:26) still (00:24:27) single I need you to say that (00:24:30) again most likely they're not going to (00:24:32) say that again but if they do then you (00:24:34) can even repeat what they said I'm still (00:24:38) single that's what you ask me and all of (00:24:41) a sudden they realized this isn't fun (00:24:44) they're not going to ask that kind of (00:24:45) thing again wow or you just asked that (00:24:47) question of did you say that to (00:24:49) embarrass me did you say that to offend (00:24:50) me oh no no no no I didn't say that what (00:24:53) I meant was and all of a sudden they're (00:24:54) backing away because they know you're (00:24:56) going to stand your ground wow this is (00:24:59) like very eye openening because I can (00:25:02) see both situations where I need to use (00:25:05) it and I can see situations where I (00:25:10) probably say things and I'm thinking (00:25:13) particularly to my adult kids MH that (00:25:16) probably feels belittling I can think (00:25:18) about like our daughter out in Los (00:25:20) Angeles and every time I see her she's (00:25:22) wearing a piece of clothing that I don't (00:25:26) recognize and so I think to myself and (00:25:29) often times I will say is that new and (00:25:33) I'm thinking in my (00:25:35) mind where where do you get the money (00:25:37) for this you know like that kind of (00:25:39) thing and then she's like yeah I (00:25:40) thrifted it and there's this little tiff (00:25:42) thing but if she were to say to me yeah (00:25:44) if if if she were to ask you are you (00:25:46) trying to embarrass me like exactly are (00:25:48) are you trying to insinuate something uh (00:25:50) are you trying to say something that (00:25:52) you're not wanting to tell me cuz you're (00:25:54) right the (00:25:56) question is what I'm saying on the (00:25:58) surface but what I'm actually accusing (00:26:00) her of is not being responsible with her (00:26:02) money it's that mirror yes yeah yes and (00:26:06) so it takes away the power of their (00:26:08) insult wow when you can take all the fun (00:26:11) out of it you take all the oxygen out of (00:26:14) their room and they realize that they're (00:26:15) not going to be able to control you with (00:26:17) that reaction that they were hoping to (00:26:19) get from you how do you respond to (00:26:21) disrespect a lot of Silence so often if (00:26:25) you just wait 10 (00:26:27) seconds you're going to add distance (00:26:30) between what they said and how you're (00:26:32) going to respond because what they're (00:26:34) wanting when somebody's disrespectful is (00:26:37) same way with belittling they're saying (00:26:38) this to get something out of you because (00:26:41) in that moment they're feeling something (00:26:42) whether it's a fear or an insecurity (00:26:44) whatever it is you're not going to (00:26:46) deliver on that same plane that they are (00:26:48) you're not going to be on that same (00:26:49) level so if somebody says something (00:26:51) disrespectful you give enough silence to (00:26:53) make sure that it's a little (00:26:55) awkward and then you're going to say (00:26:57) something to the effect of (00:26:59) that's (00:27:00) below my standard for a response and (00:27:04) then all of a sudden they feel like the (00:27:06) the dynamic has been flipped something (00:27:09) as simple as that all of a sudden you're (00:27:11) now making it clear that what you just (00:27:13) said was beneath me and I don't respond (00:27:17) to things that are beneath me in that (00:27:19) way and so now you're taking control of (00:27:22) it now you're leaning into it what they (00:27:24) thought was meant as a disrespect (00:27:26) they're now understanding that they're (00:27:28) in the wrong place I was with somebody (00:27:30) yesterday who had just visited their (00:27:33) mother and I said to her you know like (00:27:37) how did it go and she said well it was (00:27:39) fine but it's my mother and the thing (00:27:42) that drives me crazy is she is extremely (00:27:45) disrespectful to anybody that is waiting (00:27:50) on us at a restaurant like so much so (00:27:53) that the owner came over and said (00:27:55) something to her is there a way to (00:27:57) respond when someone else is throwing a (00:28:01) fit or is being disrespectful is there (00:28:05) something that you could say to somebody (00:28:07) in that (00:28:09) situation depends how your relationship (00:28:12) is with that person I would advise that (00:28:16) whoever they're disrespecting you don't (00:28:18) join in it and you make it clear that (00:28:20) that is not your behavior so you're (00:28:22) going to be person that is kind to this (00:28:24) person I've had it before my grandfather (00:28:26) came with me to Walmart this terrible (00:28:29) time uh and he was he was in a bad mood (00:28:32) and he was crot to everybody we talk to (00:28:35) but I was the one that was thank you so (00:28:37) much for helping us I appreciate it (00:28:39) thank you so much being overly hey I (00:28:42) understand thank you and then you have (00:28:44) that conversation I had to have that (00:28:45) conversation with my grandfather and how (00:28:47) did you do that I had to put a boundary (00:28:49) uh a very firm boundary of if this is (00:28:51) the way you're going to talk to people I (00:28:53) can't come with (00:28:54) you if you don't change the tone of what (00:28:58) you're talking to people Papa I can't I (00:29:00) can't I can't come and so it very was uh (00:29:05) what what what am I saying you're not (00:29:07) being respectful to people yes I am I (00:29:10) would not be telling you this if you had (00:29:12) been respectful to people it's the (00:29:14) people you love often you have to be (00:29:16) their biggest mirror of protecting them (00:29:18) also for how other people see them and (00:29:21) so I love my grandfather I want other (00:29:24) people to love him and that means I also (00:29:26) have to make sure that I need to prepare (00:29:28) him in a love way of being very direct (00:29:30) this is how you're talking to people has (00:29:32) he changed he has wow you also just (00:29:34) don't go to Walmart (00:29:36) so go it's just saying I feel instead of (00:29:40) I think it is I feel if that is a (00:29:44) feeling that you actually have in other (00:29:46) words um separating the person from the (00:29:48) problem for example let's say you need (00:29:51) to criticize a proposal that somebody (00:29:54) had or a presentation okay instead of (00:29:57) using the word you with that your (00:29:59) presentation that's going to get them (00:30:00) defensive instead make it a third person (00:30:04) The Proposal the presentation the (00:30:06) presentation could benefit from a few (00:30:08) changes instead of your proposal wasn't (00:30:11) that great so you find ways of (00:30:13) objectifying the you're separating the (00:30:16) person from the problem itself so that's (00:30:17) a way of expressing how you feel about a (00:30:19) certain thing can I stop you right there (00:30:21) of course because I immediately see an (00:30:23) application as a parent or as a roommate (00:30:27) where as a parent personally I will (00:30:30) throw myself under the bus here I have (00:30:33) never done that your room is a mess your (00:30:37) stuff is everywhere it's accusation (00:30:39) accusation accusation so how would you (00:30:42) use this yeah (00:30:45) technique to be more effective at (00:30:48) communicating when you're talking to (00:30:50) kids or you're talking to somebody that (00:30:51) you live with and you want to use this (00:30:54) strategy of removing the kind of wrong (00:30:59) right from the thing that you want them (00:31:00) to do can I give the listeners a thought (00:31:03) absolutely you can do whatever you want (00:31:04) so let's say well you and I are at a (00:31:07) table right now out and let's say you (00:31:08) and I are disagreeing about something (00:31:11) okay and in the middle of the room let's (00:31:13) just put this as the problem okay this (00:31:15) is the problem this is how I see the (00:31:16) problem and you're going to argue this (00:31:18) is how you see the problem right great (00:31:21) now the issue between us is not each (00:31:23) other it's the problem but in the real (00:31:26) conversation it's hard to get out of (00:31:28) that instead it's me pulling my chair (00:31:30) and saying Mel come over here come sit (00:31:32) next to me let's talk about this problem (00:31:33) what are we going to do about this so (00:31:35) instead of your room's not (00:31:36) clean I see the room is still isn't (00:31:39) clean what should we do about it it's (00:31:41) that idea of trying to get them to let's (00:31:45) look at the problem together uh how do (00:31:48) you find ways to that that's what I mean (00:31:51) by separating the person from the (00:31:53) problem instead of getting on to you and (00:31:55) saying now you're lazy you don't (00:31:57) understand you're so stupid you're such (00:31:58) an idiot instead of that the problem is (00:32:01) the problem on the table come sit next (00:32:03) to me and let's talk about the problem (00:32:05) and now instead of opponents were (00:32:08) teammates your kids are screwed I mean I (00:32:12) you are I I had this whole visual as you (00:32:15) were saying this of me like (00:32:18) frustrated yelling or stressed or (00:32:22) exacerbated about like the pile of (00:32:24) laundry or the state of the room or (00:32:26) whatever it is and then making a fuss (00:32:29) about the problem which only puts (00:32:31) somebody on the defensive every time (00:32:34) versus like imagine if you're standing (00:32:37) in front of the kitchen sink with your (00:32:39) family or you're standing in front of (00:32:41) the living room with your roommate right (00:32:43) and you're like this room's pretty messy (00:32:46) mhm what should we do about it exactly (00:32:50) completely different approach without a (00:32:53) doubt and it's this idea of having kind (00:32:55) of a need check of saying let's take a (00:32:58) time out I want to make sure that I have (00:33:01) time with y'all to do ex activities we (00:33:04) also have a need to do the dishes I need (00:33:07) help with that or I have a need for your (00:33:09) room to be clean I have a need for this (00:33:11) house to be clean what's your need how (00:33:14) can we help with that so when you use (00:33:16) the word help people love to be helpful (00:33:20) mhm this ability to instead of just (00:33:23) attacking them that you don't understand (00:33:25) you don't get it you're lazy or you (00:33:29) don't care those are all words I just (00:33:31) cut for no reason when your problem is (00:33:33) not them the problem is the issue wow (00:33:37) you could use this with anything (00:33:38) anything you could use this if if (00:33:40) somebody's playing too much video games (00:33:41) you could use this if somebody's not (00:33:44) taking care of themselves the problem (00:33:46) isn't the person it's the issue that is (00:33:50) bothering you and this need that you (00:33:53) have to see somebody either doing better (00:33:56) or to see the house picked up or to see (00:33:59) like people helping out that's freaking (00:34:02) genius I'm a little concerned (00:34:05) because given that I'm a talker it's (00:34:09) easy for me to take this advice and just (00:34:11) go blah blah like I can apply it (00:34:12) immediately because I'm not (00:34:15) uncomfortable talking to other people (00:34:17) and I haven't had social anxiety since (00:34:20) law school but there are a ton of people (00:34:24) that listen who do and I can think of a (00:34:27) particular friend of mine who is so (00:34:31) amazing and the second she's around (00:34:34) other people she just kind of clams up (00:34:40) do you have any specific strategies or (00:34:43) advice for somebody who would like to be (00:34:46) better about just speaking and (00:34:51) feeling more confident about it or (00:34:54) feeling like I can display Authority a (00:34:56) certain way if there are certain phrases (00:35:00) or strategies like what how do you coach (00:35:03) people and becoming more comfortable in (00:35:05) that regard I coach people the same way (00:35:07) I coach my legal clients okay and I walk (00:35:10) them through a series of steps because (00:35:13) you know as well as I do when we send (00:35:15) somebody out to be cross-examined we're (00:35:18) giving them up to the Wolves right in (00:35:20) many ways I mean their credibility you (00:35:22) have somebody who wants to hurt their (00:35:23) credibility there's somebody who wants (00:35:25) to prove them wrong call them a liar so (00:35:27) how do you you equip them with the armor (00:35:30) to to take that on some of the basics of (00:35:33) what I talk about is I want them to feel (00:35:36) that they can say things very succinctly (00:35:39) meaning often people who are nervous to (00:35:42) talk have that social anxiety they say (00:35:45) too much then they felt like they didn't (00:35:47) say anything at all afterwards and that (00:35:50) just means they're watering down what (00:35:52) they're saying okay let's put this in a (00:35:55) scenario okay so sorry to PA email uh (00:35:58) but I have this well I mean it's not (00:36:00) really this thing but it's okay so (00:36:03) essentially what I what I really want to (00:36:05) say is this isn't really something I'm (00:36:07) too too comfortable with you know but I (00:36:10) mean that is what you see the 99% of yes (00:36:14) the 1% says takes a breath let their (00:36:16) breath be the first word that they (00:36:18) say and says this is not something I'm (00:36:22) comfortable with period you see how (00:36:25) different it is the same thing same bull (00:36:28) I mean it's the same (00:36:30) objective one is water down the other is (00:36:33) serve to you (00:36:35) straight and so you find ways to (00:36:38) eliminate the water from uh your drink (00:36:41) so to speak you got to get rid of all (00:36:42) the ice cubes the over (00:36:44) apologizing the um putting your words (00:36:47) down before you even get them out that's (00:36:50) where you experience real growth and (00:36:51) real change in your sentences I want to (00:36:53) make sure that as you were listening to (00:36:57) Jefferson you actually heard that (00:36:59) because the single most important thing (00:37:01) that you said was taking a breath is the (00:37:05) first word exactly and so if you're (00:37:08) somebody that just opens your mouth and (00:37:12) all kinds of stuff starts coming out and (00:37:14) then you start to of course feel more (00:37:16) anxious because you've lost control of (00:37:18) what you're saying and then that just (00:37:20) makes you keep going and then you get (00:37:22) flustered and then your face turns red (00:37:24) and then now you're like I'm never (00:37:25) talking again and I didn't even say what (00:37:27) I meant to say yeah your breath is the (00:37:31) first word and then you're coaching us (00:37:35) to really think about what do you (00:37:38) actually want to say and so for somebody (00:37:41) that has a hard time in a social (00:37:45) setting and you are walking into a party (00:37:48) you don't know a lot of people you're (00:37:49) walking into a networking meeting you (00:37:51) don't know a lot of people and you want (00:37:53) to prepare yourself to be able to say (00:37:58) something is there an opening line or a (00:38:00) way that you recommend that people start (00:38:03) to just practice the art of just talking (00:38:06) to other people because a lot of people (00:38:08) find it very challenging to just strike (00:38:11) up a conversation with someone yeah that (00:38:14) that is difficult I would say that just (00:38:17) focus on one person okay even though (00:38:19) it's a room of Plenty you can be in a (00:38:21) room and feel like you talk to everybody (00:38:24) but you just scratch the surface trade (00:38:26) that for a real conversation with just (00:38:29) one person so there's plenty of times (00:38:32) where you've left a meeting or you've (00:38:34) left an event you go man I really like (00:38:36) this person who I got to spend a quality (00:38:39) six minutes with Y versus just a bunch (00:38:41) of pleasantries of oh hey how you doing (00:38:43) how as your kids we should get together (00:38:45) and you never get together right um so I (00:38:48) would tell them one quantity does not (00:38:50) equal quality when it comes to (00:38:53) networking or any big rooms like that (00:38:56) it's it's not how it should work just (00:38:58) focus on one person two if you want to (00:39:01) break the ice about something you can (00:39:03) always start with something of just how (00:39:05) they're doing in their life what they're (00:39:07) excited about what they're looking (00:39:09) forward to okay when you ask the just (00:39:12) how are you people talk about the past (00:39:14) they rarely talk about the future the (00:39:16) future is a lot more exciting because (00:39:18) then you can go about something people (00:39:21) typically tend to speak ill of what's (00:39:25) been going on they're bad on it they're (00:39:27) more negative on it they're typically (00:39:29) more positive about the future oh that's (00:39:32) a great tip so you take a breath and (00:39:34) then you ask somebody so what are you (00:39:35) excited about or why are you here what (00:39:37) what would you say if you were walking (00:39:38) into a networking meeting I would say (00:39:40) what are you most excited about today (00:39:42) something as simple as that wow well I'm (00:39:45) most excited about talking to you (00:39:46) Jefferson yeah same here Jefferson one (00:39:49) of my favorite videos of yours is where (00:39:50) you give advice about answering the (00:39:52) question how are you I mean you hear it (00:39:54) every day it's the first thing we tend (00:39:55) to ask anybody you can handle that (00:39:58) question a lot better if instead of (00:40:01) answering that question talking about (00:40:02) the past in other words typically people (00:40:05) like to say I'm good I'm fine and it's (00:40:07) been okay today or the Another Day in (00:40:10) Paradise kind of thing that you hear I (00:40:13) live in the dream uh is to talk about (00:40:15) what you're excited about instead of (00:40:17) being backward looking look forward you (00:40:19) tell them what you're looking forward to (00:40:21) I'm looking forward to see my kids today (00:40:23) I'm excited about the game on Friday if (00:40:25) you talk about the future it's always a (00:40:27) lot more exciting (00:40:28) and also don't be afraid to be truthful (00:40:31) so if somebody's asking you how you are (00:40:34) instead of just saying I'm actually (00:40:36) doing really bad it's okay to say I'm (00:40:38) just feeling a little overcast today you (00:40:40) put it in terms of the weather oh it's (00:40:43) it's uh it's a lot easier for people (00:40:45) that you don't have to worry about the (00:40:46) little details you don't have to worry (00:40:48) about the little complexities of do I (00:40:50) need to explain to them everything (00:40:51) that's happening that day just put it in (00:40:52) terms of the weather it's kind of an (00:40:53) overcast day for me it's a sunny day bad (00:40:56) thunderstorms for me today find (00:40:58) different ways to talk about the weather (00:41:00) and instantly they know how you're doing (00:41:02) that's really cool I'm realizing that (00:41:04) I'm a massive (00:41:05) oversharer so when somebody asks me how (00:41:08) are you I go into a diet tribe of (00:41:10) information that they don't need well (00:41:13) it's not that they don't need it say (00:41:14) oversharing can be a hindrance in the (00:41:17) long term it often stems from what I've (00:41:19) seen with clients is this need to feel (00:41:22) believed in other words uh you feel like (00:41:26) they're not buying all what you're (00:41:27) saying so you need to say more so that (00:41:30) they know how knowledgeable you are you (00:41:32) know how much you know but the weird (00:41:35) thing about that is typically the more (00:41:38) you say something the less it appears (00:41:41) you know about it so the more words it (00:41:44) takes to tell the truth the more it (00:41:46) sounds like a lie and so you have to be (00:41:50) careful about oversharing and what I (00:41:52) like to tell my clients is instead of (00:41:54) being a waterfall being be a well you (00:41:58) know be the place that they can draw (00:42:01) information from rather than feeling (00:42:02) like you have to overwhelm them and put (00:42:05) them on the life raft Jefferson you just (00:42:07) changed my life oh good cuz I am an (00:42:11) avalanche and a waterfall yeah and I (00:42:13) love this idea that you could be a well (00:42:17) and keep it closer to the chest and (00:42:20) people can dip in and get the (00:42:22) information exactly that you want to (00:42:25) give them a bucket full instead of just (00:42:28) barfing all the information out that's (00:42:30) another way to put it can you give us (00:42:32) advice on how you stand up for (00:42:34) yourself so one is like we talked about (00:42:38) let your breath be the first word that (00:42:39) you say because what that does is tell (00:42:42) people that you heard them and that (00:42:44) you're acknowledging there's a (00:42:45) difference between if you just ask me a (00:42:47) question you say hey how are you doing (00:42:49) Jefferson I'm go good good real good (00:42:51) real good I didn't really listen versus (00:42:55) if you ask me that question again how (00:42:56) you doing Jefferson and I said I'm good (00:43:01) I'm real good now it feels like you've (00:43:03) stepped into it often when it comes to (00:43:06) standing your ground it is just slowing (00:43:08) down your words not feeling like you (00:43:11) have to rush anything nobody can make (00:43:13) you say anything that you don't want to (00:43:15) say if you just find ways to give it a (00:43:18) beat and figure it out you're going to (00:43:20) be a whole lot better off too often (00:43:21) people wait till they're talking to (00:43:23) figure out what they want to say oh my (00:43:25) God that's me they take off it's like (00:43:28) going to the airport and just flying and (00:43:30) getting on the plane you go where are (00:43:31) you Landing I have no idea I'm just I (00:43:33) just got on the plane I don't know you (00:43:35) get in the car and they're like where (00:43:36) where you going who knows I'm just going (00:43:38) I say all that to say like they finally (00:43:41) kind of they just go a circles on their (00:43:44) plane and they're waiting you got to (00:43:45) help people land the runway often I feel (00:43:49) like that is me at work and in life but (00:43:51) I'm one of these people that needs to (00:43:52) talk it out and where I start is never (00:43:55) where I land and I'm realizing at as I'm (00:43:58) listening to you that there's a lot of (00:44:01) pre-work that I could do before I walk (00:44:03) into a meeting or before I just start (00:44:06) blabbing with my family yeah and it (00:44:10) would be way more effective and helpful (00:44:12) for people if I actually knew where I (00:44:14) was going before I opened my mouth it (00:44:17) always helps to have a goal in the (00:44:18) conversation it helps to have (00:44:20) conversational values it helps to have (00:44:21) conversational goals so talk to me about (00:44:24) that what do what does that mean to have (00:44:25) a conversational goal and a convers (00:44:27) ational value if you go back to the (00:44:29) original thing that you teach us which (00:44:31) is you get to choose what kind of person (00:44:34) you are based on the things that you say (00:44:36) and how you say them conversational (00:44:37) goals is simply where you want to end (00:44:40) the conversation you want to make sure (00:44:43) you understand what this person meant by (00:44:45) this comment that's your goal often we (00:44:48) start talking and then we lose track of (00:44:50) where we're going because we're (00:44:52) listening to respond we're not listening (00:44:54) to understand often when you go to trial (00:44:57) and you're listening to a witness in (00:45:00) their direct examination where bad (00:45:02) attorneys go wrong is they just start (00:45:04) planning out their next question (00:45:06) regardless of what the witness says (00:45:08) versus waiting to hear that whole answer (00:45:10) and adapting to it so conversational (00:45:11) goals is just simply where you're headed (00:45:13) it's the destination of where you're (00:45:14) going conversational values are how you (00:45:17) feel authentic to yourself to get there (00:45:19) so I have conversational values that I (00:45:22) use in every conversation that I have to (00:45:24) make sure that no matter what happens in (00:45:26) the conversation I can't control (00:45:28) anything else but myself it's my values (00:45:30) that drive my response for example one (00:45:33) of my key conversational values is if I (00:45:36) can't be a bridge be a lighthouse in (00:45:39) other words if we can't meet in the (00:45:40) middle if we can't connect in some way (00:45:43) I'm still going to be a lighthouse for (00:45:45) them I'm still going to be a source of (00:45:46) light that if they need to come back (00:45:48) they know where I'm at I have another (00:45:51) one that I use and that is if there's (00:45:53) room for kindness I will use it I get (00:45:56) that from my mama I come to her with a (00:45:57) complaint and she'd say well were you (00:46:00) kind I'd say well Mom you you don't (00:46:04) understand this person this person this (00:46:05) person she go well I still think you (00:46:07) should be kind it's like you know what (00:46:10) if there's always room for kindness if (00:46:11) there's any room at all that's a chance (00:46:13) to use it the last one I use is uh tell (00:46:17) them who I am without telling them my (00:46:19) name so that's that idea of letting my (00:46:22) words inform them of who I am without (00:46:25) anything of my identification or my (00:46:28) status or you where I am is it the value (00:46:31) of how I make people feel in my words so (00:46:34) how do you apply those values I'm having (00:46:36) a conversation with opposing attorney he (00:46:38) says something that he you know how some (00:46:40) of them do they tell you how great their (00:46:42) case is right I mean every case they (00:46:44) have is full of sunshine no bruises so (00:46:47) you have that chance to say well could I (00:46:49) just give them a piece of my mind and (00:46:50) tell them how bad their case is and how (00:46:52) I'm going to Railroad over them or is (00:46:54) there any room for kindness in this (00:46:56) conversation and if there is any room at (00:46:58) all then I'm G to use it that gives me (00:47:01) the chance to say you know what Howard I (00:47:04) gotta tell you you're great at your job (00:47:05) and you really care about your clients I (00:47:06) can tell I can really tell you care (00:47:08) about your clients and he goes oh yeah (00:47:10) yeah you know I do I really do and I (00:47:12) feel great about that and all of a (00:47:13) sudden he goes you know what in that (00:47:15) rule 11 you want it that's I think we (00:47:16) can agree to that that's no problem if I (00:47:18) can inject my values I don't have to (00:47:20) worry about what to say I don't have to (00:47:21) worry about some Zinger I to to to send (00:47:24) if there's room for kindness I'll use it (00:47:26) so you find ways to use value to control (00:47:27) the conversation well you never regret (00:47:30) not being kind it's that's a great one (00:47:33) yeah and I always regret when I'm not (00:47:36) yeah and so one of the huge takeaways (00:47:39) that I have is that a lot of us don't (00:47:44) stop and think about what the intention (00:47:47) is of a (00:47:48) conversation and how we want to be (00:47:51) perceived and what we want to (00:47:55) demonstrate about ourselves by being in (00:47:58) it and it's everywhere from how you walk (00:48:00) into a meeting if you think about what (00:48:02) you want to get out of it or how you (00:48:03) want to be perceived then that actually (00:48:07) dictates how you're going to show up (00:48:08) it's like you can use this in absolutely (00:48:12) any area of your life and I think most (00:48:14) of us are just sort of going through the (00:48:17) day and surviving and there's a (00:48:20) completely different way to think about (00:48:22) the way that you communicate I 100% (00:48:25) agree in that if you look at where you (00:48:28) are in life from your romantic (00:48:30) relationships to where you are at (00:48:32) work there is a large percentage of that (00:48:36) that is solely based upon what you said (00:48:38) to that person that just meant there are (00:48:41) thoughts that came from your brain that (00:48:43) to your mouth that you spoke out loud (00:48:46) that have influenced where you are you (00:48:49) said something to that person and they (00:48:52) liked it and now they want to date you (00:48:54) and they said something you liked and (00:48:57) there it is they you you met over coffee (00:48:59) at you know the airport or where you are (00:49:02) at work at that promotion that you want (00:49:04) you have ways of just simply using the (00:49:06) power of your (00:49:08) words to influence everything and it can (00:49:10) change even if you said things in the (00:49:12) past that you regret or things you wish (00:49:14) you would have said better you can (00:49:15) change everything about your life by (00:49:18) what you say next are there a couple (00:49:19) steps that somebody could (00:49:22) take to just walk themselves through the (00:49:27) kind of person that they want to be (00:49:30) through their words because I feel like (00:49:32) there's this step Jefferson that we (00:49:36) don't really take with (00:49:38) intention of getting clear that I want (00:49:42) to be this kind of (00:49:44) person and it's one thing to kind of use (00:49:48) kind words it's a whole another thing to (00:49:50) have a Reckoning with yourself where you (00:49:52) say this is an area of my life that I (00:49:54) want to take control of and I can take (00:49:56) control of it (00:49:57) are there particular questions that (00:50:00) somebody could ask themselves that help (00:50:03) them get to what their values might be (00:50:05) in terms of how they want to change the (00:50:08) way they communicate what they want the (00:50:11) world to think about them like I often (00:50:13) think when I go into a meeting what do I (00:50:17) want people to say when I leave and it's (00:50:20) a trick that I learned when I was a (00:50:22) public defender working for legal aid (00:50:24) which is what do I want the jury to say (00:50:27) the second that they get out of this (00:50:28) courtroom and they get (00:50:30) into that meeting with one another what (00:50:33) do I want them to say and I use that now (00:50:38) before I go into a meeting what do I (00:50:40) want them to think about me and then I (00:50:42) align the way that I show up based (00:50:45) on the impact that I want to create in (00:50:48) that room I love that I do I'm very (00:50:50) similar that's the what energy am I (00:50:53) bring into the room if everybody's at a (00:50:55) table and you walk in and you're coming (00:50:57) in what do you want the feeling to be oh (00:51:00) this person's here what's that energy (00:51:02) that you're bringing because every one (00:51:03) of us has a different energy that (00:51:05) affects the room that they're in is it (00:51:06) oh no somebody's here or oh great (00:51:09) somebody's here or is it the oh man (00:51:11) somebody's here everyone's a little bit (00:51:13) different the biggest tool that somebody (00:51:15) can use is ask the question to (00:51:17) themselves and also to the person that (00:51:19) loves them the most more than anybody (00:51:22) who do my words say that I am who do my (00:51:26) words say that I am and that is a great (00:51:30) question to ask yourself or you ask (00:51:32) somebody else who do my words say that I (00:51:34) am because often what you say is doesn't (00:51:38) match exactly with who you want to be I (00:51:40) would encourage somebody to ask uh a (00:51:43) friend a spouse what the way that I (00:51:46) speak what kind of energy does that give (00:51:49) does that give anxiety do I Rush my (00:51:51) words do I speak too fast do I speak too (00:51:54) slow H how do you want to tweak the room (00:51:57) to understand how you want to (00:51:58) communicate with that next person so I (00:52:00) would encourage in terms of action steps (00:52:03) it's the question that you need to (00:52:05) answer of yourself of who do you want to (00:52:07) be with your words then what words are (00:52:09) you going to use I think what you have (00:52:11) to say is awesome of think long term of (00:52:14) just kind of call your shot I want to (00:52:16) leave that room feeling like I am (00:52:18) somebody who's confident right I think (00:52:20) it's such an important point (00:52:23) because you do have so much power over (00:52:26) your reputation M you do have power over (00:52:29) the impact that you make with other (00:52:30) people and taking a beat before you walk (00:52:33) in the room or you walk in the meeting (00:52:35) or you walk into the party or you walk (00:52:37) up to the sidelines at your kids soccer (00:52:39) game to really remind yourself what kind (00:52:43) of person do I want to be and now let me (00:52:45) align what I say and the energy that I (00:52:48) bring to represent that that's the crazy (00:52:51) part about it it's also the most simple (00:52:54) part about it and that is it is simply (00:52:55) within your control when you walk away (00:52:58) from an interaction from somebody and (00:52:59) you go I really like that person what (00:53:01) was it what was it that you liked they (00:53:04) said something nice about me they uh (00:53:06) they smiled they didn't criticize other (00:53:10) people it is all has to do with your (00:53:12) communication their experience of you is (00:53:15) going to be almost entirely the words (00:53:18) that you use right in front of them and (00:53:20) how they made that person feel how you (00:53:22) made that person feel right then and (00:53:24) there love this what what are your best (00:53:28) tips to be more effective at (00:53:31) communicating at (00:53:33) work tip number one would be have (00:53:36) something to learn not something to (00:53:40) prove so anytime you're in an argument (00:53:43) and it's not just work really anything (00:53:45) when you're in a conversation with (00:53:46) somebody have something to learn from (00:53:48) them rather than something to (00:53:50) prove even if you want to prove yourself (00:53:53) I want to prove who I am that doesn't (00:53:55) come from you pushing your own own (00:53:57) agenda it comes from you being curious (00:53:59) about other people and so if you want to (00:54:01) be known as somebody who's respectful in (00:54:04) the workplace or somebody who's kind you (00:54:06) use kind words if you want to known (00:54:08) somebody's respectful you use respectful (00:54:10) words so that means if you talk about (00:54:13) somebody and gossip and do something (00:54:16) negative that's what people are going to (00:54:17) associate you with because it goes even (00:54:20) wider than that then if other people (00:54:22) associate with you that bad person well (00:54:24) then you people are going to think (00:54:25) differently about them (00:54:27) so it's these Circles of communication (00:54:29) of what you said oh you're a friends (00:54:30) with so and so you friends with so and (00:54:31) so that are going to influence that if (00:54:34) you want to be more respected at work (00:54:36) use words that show more Authority you (00:54:38) can use words like Direction I'd like to (00:54:41) set the direction of this conversation I (00:54:43) don't like the direction of where this (00:54:44) is going all of a sudden it sounds like (00:54:45) you're captain of the ship yeah so (00:54:48) you're just using the word Direction so (00:54:49) you find ways that can influence who you (00:54:53) want to be for good what's one change (00:54:55) somebody can make (00:54:57) today to communicate more effectively (00:55:00) with their family when you need to have (00:55:03) this hard conversation at all times show (00:55:06) them that you love them that you care (00:55:08) and you do that with the words meaning (00:55:09) you tell them that I'm telling you this (00:55:11) because I love you often I know people (00:55:14) and you know people that they had really (00:55:16) hard childhoods and they just never (00:55:18) heard that from a parent that I'm proud (00:55:19) of you that I love you so you find ways (00:55:22) to inject that into the conversation I'm (00:55:24) talking to you right now cuz I want us (00:55:26) to learn from in this conversation or (00:55:28) I'm learning too when you're having that (00:55:29) you need to deescalate an argument with (00:55:32) a spouse or a kid hey I'm learning too (00:55:36) this is my first time to be a parent (00:55:38) this is your first time to be a kid I'm (00:55:40) learning too don't be afraid to (00:55:43) apologize don't be afraid to own that I (00:55:44) think from a position of strength you (00:55:47) can really really own that apology when (00:55:49) you need to I am stealing that I often (00:55:52) say I'm doing the best I can but I like (00:55:54) I'm learning to yeah that's a beautiful (00:55:57) thing it's good for spouses too you I (00:56:00) mean you can be dating forever but soon (00:56:01) as you get married and live together I (00:56:03) mean it's it's a whole new world it is I (00:56:05) once I just recently heard somebody say (00:56:08) that uh second marriages are amazing (00:56:10) particularly if it's with the same (00:56:12) person and this idea that any moment you (00:56:15) can change your relationship because you (00:56:17) can change yourself and how you (00:56:21) communicate and that's the only thing (00:56:22) you can't control I can't control the (00:56:25) other person you can only control how (00:56:26) you respond to it I am going to steal (00:56:28) everything that you just taught me and (00:56:30) I'm so excited that you get to listen (00:56:33) and be here and learn from Jefferson too (00:56:35) we're going to be leaving here going (00:56:37) Direction kindness and I got to tell you (00:56:39) this what are your parting (00:56:42) words to anybody who's listening my (00:56:45) parting words to you are this you have a (00:56:48) power that you haven't tapped into yet (00:56:52) and that is just the power of your words (00:56:54) if you want to be seen as somebody who (00:56:56) strong strong you use stronger words you (00:56:58) want to be somebody who has seemed to be (00:57:00) more decisive somebody who stands up for (00:57:04) themselves it is not a course you have (00:57:06) to take it is not a book you have to (00:57:07) read it is simply how you need to change (00:57:10) the next word that comes out of your (00:57:12) mouth it is something that can be (00:57:14) learned at any point it doesn't matter (00:57:17) how young you are to how old you are (00:57:19) what you say next has the power to (00:57:21) change anything and if you use it for (00:57:23) good and you use it for light you're (00:57:25) always going to go right (00:57:27) oh my God Jefferson I didn't mean for (00:57:29) that to rhyme but I love I'm like love (00:57:32) you I I that sounds like creepy but you (00:57:34) are a huge light thank you thank you and (00:57:38) my parting words to you I hope you take (00:57:41) absolutely everything that Jefferson (00:57:43) just shared with us and you use it you (00:57:46) use it to create better relationships to (00:57:51) speak with authority to have your words (00:57:55) reflect the kind of person that you (00:57:58) really want to be and in case no one (00:58:00) else tells you this I wanted to be sure (00:58:02) to tell you I love you and I believe in (00:58:04) you and I believe in your ability to (00:58:06) create a better life and as Jefferson (00:58:08) just taught you it's all in the power of (00:58:11) your words you get to say how cool is (00:58:14) that I'll see you in the next (00:58:16) episode and I want to thank you for (00:58:19) being here on YouTube and making it all (00:58:21) the way to the end of this incredible (00:58:23) episode and if you made it this far do (00:58:25) me a favor please click here I know that (00:58:29) you're the kind of person that wants to (00:58:30) support people that want to help you so (00:58:32) that's one way that you could do it just (00:58:34) click subscribe we good awesome because (00:58:37) it's the one way that I know that you're (00:58:38) actually enjoying the content that we're (00:58:40) creating for you and if you loved (00:58:41) watching this episode with Jefferson (00:58:43) fiser on how you can communicate better (00:58:45) you're really going to love this next (00:58:47) episode this one is with Vanessa van (00:58:50) Edwards and you're going to learn all (00:58:51) about body language and how you can use (00:58:53) it to be more confident I cannot wait to (00:58:56) to see you there