How childhood wiring impacts adult life, in 90 minutes | Becky Kennedy: Full Interview (YouTube Video Transcript)

(00:00:00) Your YouTube transcript will appear here (00:00:00) I'm Dr. Becky Kennedy. I'm a clinical (00:00:03) psychologist. I'm a mom of three and I (00:00:05) am the founder of the online parenting (00:00:07) platform called Good Inside. (00:00:14) >> Chapter one, rethinking how we learn, (00:00:17) grow, and change. (00:00:19) >> So, I began my career as a clinical (00:00:21) psychologist teaching parents how to (00:00:23) give timeouts and punishments and (00:00:24) rewards. That's how I was trained. And (00:00:27) so, there were all these moments in my (00:00:28) private practice. parents would come in, (00:00:30) "My kid's having a tantrum about (00:00:32) something ridiculous. My kid is lying to (00:00:35) me. My kid is talking back." Whatever it (00:00:37) was, and I'd say, "Okay, let's learn how (00:00:40) to give a timeout. Let me teach you how (00:00:41) to give a timeout. Let me teach you how (00:00:42) to do a sticker chart." So, I was doing (00:00:44) that for a while. (00:00:46) Then, I had my own kid and I also just (00:00:49) started to reflect on my own childhood (00:00:51) and what moments really helped me and (00:00:53) what moments didn't. Plus, something (00:00:55) interesting was happening in my private (00:00:57) practice. In my private practice, beyond (00:00:59) seeing parents to talk about issues with (00:01:01) young kids, I was seeing adults for (00:01:03) therapy, for couples therapy. And I felt (00:01:05) really good about the way I was working (00:01:06) with adults. It was a combination of, (00:01:09) you know, internal family systems and (00:01:11) attachment theory and sematic work. And (00:01:13) I'm just a very practical person. So, (00:01:15) I'd always give homework for the week (00:01:16) and so many different things. And I (00:01:18) watched adults change their lives. And (00:01:20) what I knew is that when adults would (00:01:22) come to me for therapy and say things (00:01:24) like, "Oh, I know I talked about asking (00:01:27) my boss for a promotion, but I just (00:01:29) didn't do it." Or, "I know we're working (00:01:31) on my anger, but I yelled this week." I (00:01:34) would never say to those people, "Give (00:01:36) me your phone. No dessert for a week. I (00:01:39) want you to leave my office and come (00:01:41) back when you don't yell. I want you to (00:01:43) leave my office and come back when you (00:01:45) ask for that promotion." I mean, can you (00:01:47) imagine the therapist? I I would hope (00:01:49) any client would say, "Well, I'm never (00:01:50) coming back to see you again. Why would (00:01:52) adding shame and blame help me improve (00:01:55) my behavior?" Like literally, what's (00:01:57) your theory for why that would even (00:01:59) work? And it just struck me cuz I'd have (00:02:01) these sessions where I was seeing adult (00:02:03) adult and then parent of a young kid. (00:02:06) And I just started thinking there is no (00:02:08) way that what adults need to change (00:02:12) could be at complete odds with what (00:02:15) children need to grow. And then I (00:02:18) realized, wait, I actually think we're (00:02:20) like causing all of these problems in (00:02:22) childhood and trying to fix them in (00:02:24) adulthood. It's just a remarkably (00:02:26) inefficient system, which is not a way (00:02:28) of saying I think we can be perfect (00:02:29) parents. We cannot. And we're all going (00:02:31) to struggle with things. And I hope my (00:02:32) kids go to therapy to talk about things (00:02:34) in their life. But we don't have to (00:02:37) approach our kids with punishment and (00:02:39) harshness. And if we do, why would we (00:02:42) expect them to actually thrive in (00:02:46) adulthood? We're actually trying to (00:02:49) unwire all of that self-criticism and (00:02:52) self-lame that we have as adults from (00:02:55) our childhood so we can finally have a (00:02:58) little bit more groundedness and (00:02:59) perspective to actually make the (00:03:01) productive changes we want in our life. (00:03:03) Okay. So, I was in this moment in my (00:03:05) private practice and I was seeing (00:03:07) parents and I want to be honest, I was (00:03:08) still kind of ignoring that feeling in (00:03:10) me like, "Okay, well, here's how to do a (00:03:12) timeout. Here's how to do the sticker (00:03:13) chart." And one day in my private (00:03:15) practice, all I can say is the (00:03:18) dissonance, I think, in my body. It just (00:03:20) became too loud. I honestly couldn't (00:03:22) focus. And I had these parents in front (00:03:25) of me and I was teaching them how to do (00:03:26) a timeout. And I ended up saying to (00:03:28) them, "I'm sorry. I actually don't (00:03:31) believe anything I'm telling you right (00:03:33) now. (00:03:34) And not surprisingly, they looked at me (00:03:37) and they were like, "Why am I paying you (00:03:39) any money? I'm going to leave your (00:03:41) office right now." And I was like, "Hold (00:03:42) on. I I feel like I just need a little (00:03:43) bit of time. I know there's a better (00:03:45) better way." And I was actually thinking (00:03:47) like, "I just want to take everything (00:03:48) that I know helps adults and helps them (00:03:51) rewire and reverse engineer it to (00:03:53) parents to give to kids right away." But (00:03:55) I but I didn't know how exactly yet. And (00:03:57) I knew I wanted that approach to be (00:03:58) super concrete and practical because the (00:04:01) one thing about timeouts and sticker (00:04:02) charts that I think parents love and me (00:04:04) too is that it just tells you what to (00:04:06) do. We're like, "Well, just tell me what (00:04:07) to do. We need something to do." But I (00:04:09) was like, "We can definitely upgrade (00:04:10) what to do from a sticker chart and a (00:04:12) timeout." And you know, these parents (00:04:15) essentially my office were like, "We're (00:04:16) just going to go find someone else to (00:04:18) talk to." And I was like, "I totally get (00:04:20) it. I'm so sorry. And yes, I will (00:04:21) definitely refund you for the session." (00:04:23) And then I started this just (00:04:28) surge maybe is the word of new ideas. (00:04:30) It's like once I finally said this (00:04:32) thing, I had the openness to write down (00:04:36) so many ideas. And I think what started (00:04:38) was just stripping away all the (00:04:40) assumptions that we've all accepted as (00:04:42) true. If you don't punish bad behavior, (00:04:45) you're basically reinforcing that. Is (00:04:47) that true? Like I have moments that I'm (00:04:49) not proud of with my husband and he (00:04:52) doesn't punish me, but I don't think (00:04:54) he's reinforcing bad behavior. And if he (00:04:58) said to me, "Becky, if you yell at me (00:05:00) one more time, I'm not going to eat (00:05:02) dinner with you for a week," I I just (00:05:04) don't think that would inspire me to (00:05:07) change in a positive way. Now, I don't (00:05:09) expect him to be kind of a doormat in (00:05:13) the other way, but if he said, "Whoa, (00:05:14) that was not okay." (00:05:16) and there's probably something going on (00:05:19) with you because you don't usually act (00:05:20) like that. And let's get to the bottom (00:05:22) of that. I actually think that's (00:05:24) probably what you need. And honestly, (00:05:26) it's probably the thing that's also (00:05:27) going to help you change. So, let's (00:05:28) figure that out together. No part of me (00:05:30) would think, "Oh, my husband really lets (00:05:31) me walk all over him." It's actually a (00:05:33) crazy thought that we would only have if (00:05:36) we have an incredibly negative view of (00:05:39) humans, which I do not have. And when I (00:05:42) started to question this approach, I was (00:05:44) left with two foundations really. Number (00:05:46) one, we are born good inside. That (00:05:49) doesn't excuse our bad behaviors at all. (00:05:52) But inside, we are born good. And (00:05:55) actually, that's really helpful to know (00:05:56) because it creates a gap between good (00:06:00) identity and bad behaviors. And it (00:06:02) allows us to wonder, well, why would a (00:06:04) good person do a bad thing? And from (00:06:06) that question, we can actually intervene (00:06:08) much more effectively. And the other (00:06:10) thing I realized is kids are just born (00:06:12) with all the feelings and none of the (00:06:15) skills to manage those feelings. And (00:06:17) feelings without skills always come out (00:06:20) as bad behavior. And so the idea of good (00:06:23) inside is that we can separate behavior (00:06:26) from identity. And in doing that, we (00:06:28) don't become permissive parents. We (00:06:29) actually become effective leaders who (00:06:32) can teach kids skills they didn't have (00:06:34) in the first place. so that not only can (00:06:37) they improve their behavior, they can (00:06:38) actually grow up and be resilient, (00:06:41) successful adults. So, let's jump into (00:06:43) this idea about how behavior is (00:06:46) different from identity and then very (00:06:48) practically how that idea comes to life (00:06:50) in managing your kids's difficult (00:06:51) behavior. The tantrum, the sibling (00:06:53) arguing about something so silly, maybe (00:06:55) the I hate you to your face or lying, (00:06:57) all those hard situations. (00:07:00) We have a habit as humans for many (00:07:02) reasons of seeing someone's bad behavior (00:07:05) and kind of assuming we know everything (00:07:07) we need to know about the person. (00:07:09) Someone's late to work, that person is (00:07:11) lazy. Our kid hits another kid, they're (00:07:15) a hitter, right? And then even we take (00:07:17) that moment, we tend to project forward, (00:07:18) oh, they're always going to be the bad (00:07:19) kid in class. They're never going to (00:07:21) have friends. And if you think about (00:07:22) what's really happening here is there's (00:07:24) a conflation of behavior with identity. (00:07:28) And one of the reasons this happens is (00:07:30) behavior is observable and identity (00:07:32) isn't. So the quickest thing for our (00:07:34) mind to do is we see behavior hitting we (00:07:37) assume identity bad kid. But actually (00:07:39) this isn't what's happening. This is (00:07:41) what's happening. Behavior is identity (00:07:43) and there's no space in between. The (00:07:46) other reason we tend to do this (00:07:49) is because most of us grew up in homes (00:07:53) where we were seen as our worst (00:07:55) behavior. (00:07:56) Nobody saw us as a good kid identity who (00:08:01) was having a hard time behavior where (00:08:04) those things were separate. So we've (00:08:06) actually wired those two things (00:08:08) together. (00:08:10) One of the life-changing ideas I think (00:08:12) around good inside is to separate (00:08:14) behavior from identity. And this is as (00:08:16) life-changing in parenting your kid as (00:08:19) it is in relating to yourself as it is (00:08:21) in your marriage or your work (00:08:22) relationship. And what's really (00:08:24) important is people say, "Oh, so you're (00:08:26) just letting your kid off the hook. (00:08:28) They're a good kid having a hard time, (00:08:29) so it's okay that they're hitting a (00:08:31) sibling." No, not at all. I've never (00:08:34) seen my kid hit another kid and say, (00:08:36) "Gh, let out that anger. You're a good (00:08:38) kid letting out anger. I love it. That (00:08:40) would be so bizarre." Seeing my kid as a (00:08:43) good kid having a hard time allows me to (00:08:45) intervene more like a coach than someone (00:08:49) who's just delivering punishment. That's (00:08:51) really important. Because when you (00:08:53) realize, hold on a second, I have a good (00:08:55) kid having a hard time. In the moment, (00:08:57) I'm going to swoop in. I might even say, (00:09:00) whoa, I'm not going to let you hit your (00:09:01) brother. I'm going to pick my kid up and (00:09:03) carry them to the side. And I might, if (00:09:05) I'm on my game, even say, "You're a good (00:09:08) kid having a hard time, and I'm going to (00:09:10) help you through it." It's one of the (00:09:12) most life-changing things for kids to (00:09:14) hear. And so many parents have said that (00:09:15) simple phrase, saying to their kid, (00:09:17) "You're a good kid having a hard time," (00:09:20) has deescalated. a hard situation in a (00:09:23) way nothing else they've ever tried has. (00:09:26) And if you think about it, that makes (00:09:28) sense. Think about your own hard moment (00:09:29) and think about the way people look at (00:09:31) you like you're a bad person. Maybe it's (00:09:33) happened in a recent argument with a (00:09:35) partner or at work and you just get this (00:09:38) look like I see your bad behavior and I (00:09:41) kind of am treating you like a bad (00:09:42) person. We have shame. We spiral. We get (00:09:44) worse. There's nothing more powerful in (00:09:47) adulthood as someone saying to you some (00:09:49) version of, "Hold on a second. You're a (00:09:51) good person. You just said something (00:09:53) that I have a feeling you didn't really (00:09:55) mean. Let's take a moment to cool off. (00:09:57) We can try this again." In our hardest (00:10:00) moments, we are all desperate to have (00:10:02) someone else see the inherent goodness (00:10:05) inside of us. And sometimes we need (00:10:07) someone else to see it before we can (00:10:10) access it ourself. Let's take lying as a (00:10:13) situation. Very triggering when our kids (00:10:16) lie to us. Recently had a parent say, "I (00:10:19) have a Nest camera. I saw my teenager (00:10:22) steal money from my drawer. I asked my (00:10:25) teenager about it." They said, "Nope, I (00:10:28) didn't do it." Separate, but related. (00:10:30) Never ask someone a question you know (00:10:32) the answer to. You're actually just (00:10:33) trying to catch them in a lie, which (00:10:35) makes anyone defensive. But if we think (00:10:37) about this as a good kid having a hard (00:10:39) time, we see it very differently. It (00:10:41) doesn't mean I'm going to throw my kid a (00:10:43) party for stealing money. Not at all. (00:10:45) But I'd probably say something like (00:10:46) this. (00:10:48) Hey, I saw that you took money from my (00:10:50) drawer. Hold on a second. This is not (00:10:51) about to be a punishment. That would be (00:10:53) way too much short-term thinking. I know (00:10:56) you're a good kid. (00:10:58) And there must have been something going (00:10:59) on that you didn't think you could come (00:11:01) ask me for money for whatever you wanted (00:11:04) it for. And it's true. I might end up (00:11:06) saying no. But it's really important (00:11:08) that we have the type of relationship (00:11:10) where you know you could come to me. (00:11:12) Honestly, that's probably only becoming (00:11:13) more and more important as you get older (00:11:15) and things get even trickier in your (00:11:16) life. So, what was going on for you? I (00:11:19) just want to actually understanding (00:11:21) what was happening is so much more (00:11:23) important than the behavior itself (00:11:25) because that's the only way we can get (00:11:26) ahead of everything that's going to (00:11:28) happen after. Now, I know what parents (00:11:30) think. We traditionally think, isn't (00:11:31) that permitting the bad behavior? (00:11:33) Understanding the reasons for a bad (00:11:36) behavior is not at all the same thing as (00:11:38) permitting behavior. And we don't think (00:11:39) about that in any other way. If you (00:11:41) think about a kid on a basketball team (00:11:42) who's a really good player but has an (00:11:44) awful couple games and you think about (00:11:47) the coach saying, "Hold on a second. I'm (00:11:49) taking you out for this game, but (00:11:50) tomorrow let's go to the gym together. (00:11:52) Let's really figure this out. What's (00:11:54) going on with your layups and your (00:11:55) passing? Everything is off. I'm on your (00:11:57) team. I want to understand what's (00:11:59) happening." I I just don't know one (00:12:00) parent who would say, "I don't want that (00:12:02) coach for my kid. That coach is (00:12:04) permitting bad behavior. That coach is (00:12:06) basically telling my kid it's okay to (00:12:07) have a bad game." It's bananas. None of (00:12:09) us think that. You know what we all (00:12:10) think? That's the coach I want. That (00:12:13) coach actually is trying to get to the (00:12:15) source of what was happening because (00:12:16) that's the only way you can actually (00:12:18) improve behavior. So, a lot of people (00:12:20) ask me reward charts, timeouts, (00:12:23) stickers. I feel like these have worked (00:12:26) to improve behavior. Like, why would I (00:12:27) depart from these methods? So, first of (00:12:30) all, I'd call into question how (00:12:31) effective these methods are. And also, a (00:12:34) lot of studies that so show shortterm (00:12:36) impact don't tell the whole story of (00:12:38) child development. Anything that's (00:12:41) fearbased, (00:12:42) sometimes you can get kids to short-term (00:12:45) comply. I don't think that's data worth (00:12:48) bragging about. What we know is that (00:12:51) childhood is an amazing time for kids to (00:12:54) learn the skills they are going to need (00:12:56) for life. I don't know if any of us (00:12:59) really think I learned skills by being (00:13:02) punished. You do have a model of what (00:13:05) not to do, I guess. But nobody's helping (00:13:08) you know what to do. Let's take jealousy (00:13:13) as an example. Why do kids hit siblings? (00:13:16) Sometimes they're just jealous. Oh, my (00:13:18) sibling has a truck that I really want (00:13:20) to play with in this moment. I'm (00:13:21) jealous. I'm frustrated. I don't have (00:13:23) the skills to manage those feelings. So, (00:13:25) it comes out as a hit. Now I get a (00:13:27) timeout for not hitting. And is that (00:13:29) going to work? Well, fast forward many, (00:13:32) many years. I don't think I'm going to (00:13:34) be jealous of my sibling in my 20s that (00:13:37) they have a toy truck that I don't have. (00:13:40) But you better bet that when I see my (00:13:42) sibling have a job that feels more (00:13:44) successful than my job or own a home (00:13:48) that is bigger than the home I can (00:13:50) afford, I'm going to feel pretty jealous (00:13:53) and frustrated. (00:13:54) And if I don't have skills to manage (00:13:56) those feelings, I don't know if it would (00:13:58) come out as a hit, but it would come out (00:14:00) as pretty toxic behavior. Skills aren't (00:14:05) gifted to us with age. We don't (00:14:08) magically become able to manage our (00:14:11) emotions when we become 18. That's not (00:14:14) how it works. We learn how to manage our (00:14:17) emotions through our earliest (00:14:19) relationships. (00:14:21) I always tell parents, kids can't learn (00:14:24) to tolerate feelings we can't tolerate (00:14:27) in them. So if my kid is jealous and (00:14:30) frustrated and that comes out as bad (00:14:32) behavior and all I do is send them to (00:14:33) their room, maybe short term for some (00:14:36) kids, for people pleasing kids only, not (00:14:39) for the non-peopleleasers, they just (00:14:40) escalate when you punish them. My kid (00:14:42) might look like, "Oh, I'm gonna change (00:14:45) my behavior. I'm just so terrified of my (00:14:47) parent being upset with me." and I can (00:14:49) get my kid to comply. I always find this (00:14:52) interesting. I've never met one parent (00:14:53) who says, "Oh, I'm so proud of my (00:14:55) 30-year-old daughter. She is so (00:14:57) compliant. She does everything people (00:15:01) ask her to do. She is so attentive to (00:15:04) what everyone wants of her that she's (00:15:06) just always taking care of everyone else (00:15:09) and doesn't really ever take care of her (00:15:11) own needs or even know what they are. (00:15:12) I've never heard that. Although, that is (00:15:14) the thing that leads to so many women (00:15:16) essentially breaking down. You don't (00:15:18) just get the skills to manage your own (00:15:20) feelings at a certain developmental (00:15:22) milestone. And punishment and rewards (00:15:25) are purely behavior focused. They do not (00:15:29) teach skills. Just like we don't punish (00:15:32) and reward kids into learning how to (00:15:34) swim, we teach them how to swim. We (00:15:37) teach them skills. And importantly with (00:15:39) swimming, we understand that just cuz (00:15:41) I'm teaching a kid a skill, it doesn't (00:15:43) mean my kid's going to swim tomorrow. (00:15:45) It's actually interesting. We tolerate (00:15:47) the length of time it learns how to swim (00:15:48) as a parent. Even though those are very (00:15:51) expensive lessons a lot of us put money (00:15:52) toward. We know this is going to take (00:15:55) time and swimming is a skill. I think (00:15:57) that's actually a very important life (00:15:59) skill. Emotion regulation is an even (00:16:01) more important life skill. And so how I (00:16:03) want parents to start thinking is not (00:16:06) just in terms of short-term behavioral (00:16:08) compliance, which by the way works (00:16:10) against someone later on, but actually I (00:16:13) have this window of time where I can (00:16:14) actually teach my kids the skills that (00:16:16) are actually going to be the most (00:16:17) important skills of their life. And (00:16:19) punishments and rewards just don't teach (00:16:22) skills. So many times I'm asked, is good (00:16:24) inside gentle parenting? I actually (00:16:27) think the term gentle parenting has (00:16:29) probably been misrepresented, but it's (00:16:31) just not a term I identify with. So, I'm (00:16:33) just going to put it over here. And one (00:16:34) of the reasons I don't identify with it (00:16:36) is I think some of our most important (00:16:38) parenting moments, the word gentle just (00:16:40) isn't a word I would use to describe the (00:16:43) feeling I'm accessing in that moment. (00:16:45) Some of my best parenting moments, even (00:16:47) though they're the hardest, is when I do (00:16:49) something that I just know needs to be (00:16:51) done and is for my kid's best interest (00:16:53) long term, but requires a lot of (00:16:56) trickiness and hard feelings in the (00:16:58) moment. And I think those moments call (00:17:00) for sturdiness, like a lot of (00:17:02) conviction. And really, if we zoom out, (00:17:04) I think good inside is just a leadership (00:17:06) approach. So, it's really a sturdy (00:17:08) leadership approach. I love the word (00:17:10) sturdy and I'm going to define it. But (00:17:12) one of the reasons I love it is it has a (00:17:15) feeling associated with it and it takes (00:17:17) it out of just being a word and it does (00:17:19) something in our body. If you think (00:17:20) about someone in your life who you (00:17:22) consider sturdy, you can kind of conjure (00:17:24) up this thing about them where you can (00:17:26) kind of locate them like I know where (00:17:28) you are but they also were able to (00:17:30) connect to other people. There's (00:17:32) something happening there in just the (00:17:33) feeling of the word. So if I think about (00:17:35) a sturdy leader, they're able to do two (00:17:37) things at once. They're able to ground (00:17:39) their decisions in their own values. (00:17:42) They can embody their appropriate (00:17:44) authority in a situation so they're (00:17:45) connected to themselves. (00:17:48) At the same time, a sturdy leader is (00:17:50) able to understand other people, hear (00:17:53) them out, maybe even understand their (00:17:55) reactions and feelings. They're able to (00:17:58) connect to other people. A sturdy leader (00:18:01) at the same time can connect to (00:18:03) themselves and someone else. So, let me (00:18:06) explain a metaphor because it's actually (00:18:08) the best way of bringing this to life. (00:18:10) So, imagine you're on a plane and you're (00:18:12) a passenger. I'm a passenger, too. And (00:18:14) it gets very, very turbulent. So (00:18:16) turbulent that everyone is kind of (00:18:18) screaming in the passenger cabin. OH MY (00:18:20) GOODNESS. Oh my goodness. Okay, let's (00:18:22) imagine three announcements you might (00:18:24) hear from a pilot. Okay, announcement (00:18:27) number one. Stop screaming back there. (00:18:29) You're making a big deal out of nothing. (00:18:32) You all ruin everything for me. Stop (00:18:35) being dramatic. (00:18:37) Now, I think we all know that wouldn't (00:18:40) really make me feel better. First of (00:18:41) all, I'm wondering, is the pilot missing (00:18:43) the intense turbulence? And is the pilot (00:18:45) so threatened by my being nervous that (00:18:48) it kind of throws them off? Is that's (00:18:52) kind of like when we say to our kids (00:18:53) when they're melting down about not (00:18:55) having ice cream for breakfast, you're (00:18:57) so dramatic. You're making a big deal (00:18:58) out of nothing. We kind of really lean (00:19:00) with invalidation. I'm not able to (00:19:03) connect to the other person. and see (00:19:06) that their reality is real for them, (00:19:09) even if it's not real for me. Okay, (00:19:11) that's not the announcement we want. (00:19:13) Here's pilot two. Also not the (00:19:14) announcement we want. Oh no, turbulence. (00:19:17) I'm opening up the cockpit doors. If (00:19:20) anyone back there kind of knows what to (00:19:22) do, please come in. Now, if you're like (00:19:24) me, you're not even scared of the (00:19:25) turbulence anymore. You're just (00:19:26) terrified that this person is your (00:19:28) pilot. So, what's happening there? The (00:19:30) pilot loses themsself. In the first kind (00:19:33) of situation, they lose connection to (00:19:34) someone else. In the second, they lose (00:19:36) connection to themsel. They see your (00:19:39) feelings almost as contagious. You're (00:19:41) nervous, that means I'm nervous. And (00:19:42) we're in this exact same situation (00:19:44) together. That's kind of when we say to (00:19:46) our kid who's melting down over (00:19:48) breakfast. Fine, have ice cream for (00:19:51) breakfast. Just stop tantruming. And (00:19:53) importantly, I'm not making that (00:19:55) decision because I actually think I want (00:19:58) to give my kid ice cream for breakfast, (00:19:59) which could be my decision. I'm doing it (00:20:02) because I really, really hate seeing my (00:20:04) kid upset and their feelings kind of (00:20:06) come into my body and I just want that (00:20:08) feeling for me to stop. Okay, let's get (00:20:10) to the third pilot because I think this (00:20:11) is the pilot we all want. Hey, I hear (00:20:14) you screaming back there. I get it. (00:20:16) You're nervous because it's so (00:20:18) turbulent. (00:20:20) That's okay. Scream away. Do your thing. (00:20:24) I know what I'm doing. I've been through (00:20:26) this before and I'm going to stop this (00:20:29) announcement now and go back to doing my (00:20:31) job. And I know I'm going to get us to (00:20:34) our destination shortly. (00:20:38) Interestingly, the turbulence could stay (00:20:40) the exact same, maybe even get a little (00:20:41) worse. But suddenly, I have a deep (00:20:44) breath of relief. Why? Two things that (00:20:47) sturdy leaders do. They see your (00:20:50) emotional reality as real and they care (00:20:52) about it while they are not overwhelmed (00:20:55) by it themselves. That means they (00:20:58) actually have a boundary between you and (00:21:00) them. I can empathize with your feeling (00:21:02) precisely because I'm not taking on the (00:21:04) feeling myself. I can see that you (00:21:08) believe you're in this storm. And at the (00:21:10) same time, I can see calm and hope and (00:21:14) safety (00:21:16) on the other side. I can do both of (00:21:18) those things at once. That's kind of (00:21:19) when we say to our kid who's melting (00:21:20) down about wanting ice cream for (00:21:22) breakfast. I get it. You really want ice (00:21:24) cream. Oh, I would want that, too. You (00:21:27) wish you could have ice cream. And ice (00:21:31) cream's not an option, sweetie. It's (00:21:32) okay if you're upset. We're going to (00:21:34) figure this out. And when you want, let (00:21:38) me know something else you could have (00:21:40) for breakfast. I can see my kids (00:21:42) emotional reality, but I'm not taken (00:21:45) over by it. and I have this sturdiness (00:21:48) in the middle of the storm. And that's (00:21:51) exactly the type of leadership our kids (00:21:53) are looking for from us. (00:21:55) [Music] (00:21:57) >> Chapter 2, understanding our own factory (00:21:59) settings. (00:22:01) >> So, attachment theory really influences (00:22:04) a lot of how I talk about day-to-day (00:22:07) moments in parenting. Attachment theory (00:22:09) was popularized by John Bulby and Mary (00:22:12) Ainsworth a very long time ago. And (00:22:15) really the foundation of attachment (00:22:17) theory is the idea that the nature of (00:22:21) the relationship we form with our kid in (00:22:25) their earliest years is something that (00:22:27) impacts them for the rest of their life. (00:22:30) Connection for kids is the key to their (00:22:32) survival. It's really an evolutionary (00:22:35) force. Attachment is the key (00:22:37) evolutionary force for kids because for (00:22:40) a very very long time, more than almost (00:22:41) any other animal species, a human child (00:22:45) truly can't survive on their own. Yes, (00:22:46) they need food, shelter, water, but they (00:22:48) get that from their parent. And so kids (00:22:51) are always looking what allows me to (00:22:53) stay connected to my parents, what parts (00:22:55) of me are lovable and understandable, (00:22:58) and what parts of me kind of exist in (00:23:00) aloneeness. And those parts that exist (00:23:02) in aloneeness become very dangerous, (00:23:05) right? And often then have to get acted (00:23:07) out. They're really learning with us. (00:23:10) Who am I? What feelings am I allowed to (00:23:13) have? What can I expect from people (00:23:17) around me when we're going through hard (00:23:20) situations? Is it okay to be mad at (00:23:23) someone I love? Is it okay to mess up in (00:23:27) a relationship? Do I have a pathway to (00:23:29) recover? or is that something that seems (00:23:32) almost unreoverable? What parts of me (00:23:35) get love and connection and what parts (00:23:38) of me are kind of met with we don't do (00:23:41) that in this family and I kind of have (00:23:43) to learn ooh danger put them away and I (00:23:46) take those lessons from my parent (00:23:49) because in a way my parent is my world (00:23:53) and I start to generalize them as I get (00:23:55) older to the world and so the nature of (00:23:59) a relationship our kid forms with us (00:24:01) becomes kind of a blueprint or a friend (00:24:03) of mine named Mileique calls it her kids (00:24:06) factory settings where I love that (00:24:09) because we can change factory settings, (00:24:11) we can change a default and at the same (00:24:13) time the factory settings our kid goes (00:24:16) into adulthood with are pretty powerful. (00:24:19) So for example, when my kid has a (00:24:22) meltdown about something that I think is (00:24:24) small in my adult life but matters in my (00:24:27) kid life, I don't know, maybe oh I'm not (00:24:30) with Sophia in class. I can't go to (00:24:32) school this year. Are my kids melting (00:24:34) down? They're crying. It's all your (00:24:36) fault. Of course, I have nothing to do (00:24:38) with it. But if my general pattern of (00:24:40) responding to this is something like, (00:24:41) "You're being ridiculous. If you keep (00:24:43) crying, I'm taking away, I don't know, (00:24:45) fill in the blank with whatever it is." (00:24:47) My kid does not learn. I'm having a big (00:24:51) reaction to classes in second grade, and (00:24:56) I can respond more calmly next time. No, (00:24:59) they learn a couple things. Number one, (00:25:02) it's not safe in my closest (00:25:04) relationships to feel upset. When I'm (00:25:07) very upset about something in my life, I (00:25:10) should expect the people close to me to (00:25:12) be very turned off by that and want (00:25:15) nothing to do with me. That's one lesson (00:25:16) they learn. Another lesson they learn (00:25:18) might be, "Oh, maybe I don't know how I (00:25:22) feel." (00:25:23) My parent did always tell me I (00:25:25) overreacted to things. So, I guess other (00:25:28) people have a better sense of how I feel (00:25:32) than I do. Now, if we just take those (00:25:34) two lessons and we fast forward, (00:25:37) this might sound obvious, but I always (00:25:39) think about it. We have the same body (00:25:42) today as we had our childhood. It's a (00:25:44) collection of all of the memories. And (00:25:47) our body likes to generalize. Just like (00:25:49) you learn to look both ways before you (00:25:51) cross the street early on, you could be (00:25:53) in a totally different environment in (00:25:55) adulthood. And if someone said, "You (00:25:57) don't have to look both ways here. You (00:25:58) can just cross the road. Cars won't hurt (00:26:01) you." Your body literally wouldn't allow (00:26:04) you to do that because it took an early (00:26:06) lesson around safety and has (00:26:08) generalized. It's true. I've never been (00:26:10) to Tokyo, but I'm going to assume the (00:26:12) same thing is true as it's always been. (00:26:13) and I'm going to look both ways to keep (00:26:15) me safe. So now, let's say my kid is no (00:26:18) longer in my house, and I'm making this (00:26:20) up, is married to someone. And they're (00:26:23) really upset about a bad meeting at (00:26:24) work. Their body is going to kind of do (00:26:26) an inventory. Is this safe, let's say, (00:26:28) for me to talk to my husband about or am (00:26:31) I basically going to expect my husband (00:26:33) to tell me I'm making a big deal out of (00:26:34) nothing? So then I don't talk about it. (00:26:36) But the feelings remain. You know what (00:26:38) probably happens? I don't know. I'm (00:26:39) probably snapping at my husband about (00:26:41) something totally irrelevant. I'm (00:26:42) probably super short with my kids. I'm (00:26:45) probably acting it out in some other (00:26:47) ways because our feelings don't lie. (00:26:49) That's one kind of legacy of attachment. (00:26:52) Another legacy is when we invalidate our (00:26:54) kids all the time, which sounds like, (00:26:56) you're dramatic. You're making a big (00:26:57) deal out of nothing. This is a (00:26:59) disproportionate reaction. (00:27:01) They doubt their emotions in really (00:27:04) dangerous ways. I'm just going to go for (00:27:07) it because I'm pretty direct. Let's (00:27:08) picture a girl who's now at a bar at age (00:27:11) 20 something, 25, and someone comes up (00:27:14) to them and they're kind of flirty. It (00:27:16) feels fun. Stranger, they don't know. (00:27:18) And then it goes a step further. Come (00:27:21) home with me. And that girl, let's say, (00:27:23) initially has a feeling in her body (00:27:24) like, oo, (00:27:26) I don't know about this. Well, what's (00:27:29) the attachment lessons that she might (00:27:31) have learned early on in totally (00:27:33) different situations, but the same (00:27:35) circuits? Other people do tend to know (00:27:39) how I should feel better than I do. And (00:27:41) then she hears, "Come on, don't make (00:27:43) such a big deal out of it. It's just (00:27:44) going to be fun." (00:27:46) It's true. I do tend to make a big deal (00:27:49) out of nothing. (00:27:51) And I know it's so easy to say that is (00:27:53) crazy. That has nothing to do with (00:27:56) freaking out about classes. In our body, (00:28:00) in the inventory that happens around, do (00:28:02) I trust my emotions? Do I listen to (00:28:06) what's happening is something that's a (00:28:08) big deal to me? Even if it's not a big (00:28:11) deal to someone else, can I go with my (00:28:13) gut or do I use someone else's reaction (00:28:16) as a barometer of what I should do? (00:28:19) Those are absolutely the same situations (00:28:22) inside of our body. Attachment theory is (00:28:25) this idea that our earliest (00:28:26) relationships form the blueprint for our (00:28:28) later relationships. But internal family (00:28:31) systems is basically the idea that (00:28:35) inside our bodies we have many many (00:28:37) parts of us. So if you put that together (00:28:39) you could also say the way we develop (00:28:42) parts when we're young will also play (00:28:46) out in our adult relationships when (00:28:48) we're older. And what internal family (00:28:50) systems posits which is so powerful is (00:28:54) that all of our different parts came (00:28:57) from an adaptive place. They were all (00:29:00) trying to figure out in our earliest (00:29:01) years, (00:29:03) what do I need to do to survive and (00:29:05) adapt in my family of origin? So, for (00:29:08) example, let's say anger was not (00:29:13) something you could safely express (00:29:15) toward your parent. The truth is anger (00:29:17) is a powerful emotion. So, when we're (00:29:19) young, we tend not to say to our parent, (00:29:22) "I'm angry at you." We tend to say, "I (00:29:24) hate you." Right? Or, "You're the worst (00:29:26) dad in the world. you don't do anything (00:29:28) for me. Even maybe after our parents (00:29:30) just took us to an amusement park. Right (00:29:33) now, when that feeling comes out, if we (00:29:35) were met with some type of danger, (00:29:37) right? Go to your room. You don't say (00:29:39) something like that to me. No insert (00:29:42) punishment here for a week or maybe (00:29:44) worse. Maybe we were hit. Then what does (00:29:48) my body as a kid have to learn? I (00:29:50) actually don't learn I should have (00:29:53) expressed my anger in a better way. I (00:29:56) actually learned (00:29:58) anger is not a safe emotion. If I just (00:30:01) didn't feel angry, I would have been a (00:30:04) lot safer in my home. Now, from an (00:30:07) internal family systems perspective, how (00:30:08) do we stop anger? It's kind of hard. (00:30:10) It's a natural emotion. I develop a new (00:30:13) part. It would actually be called, and (00:30:14) it's so beautiful, a protector part (00:30:17) that's trying to protect me from feeling (00:30:20) that anger. It's trying to really help (00:30:22) me stay safe. Now, the protector part (00:30:25) might have to use some extreme methods. (00:30:27) It might need to say to me, "You're a (00:30:29) horrible, ungrateful person. No one else (00:30:32) would feel this way." And I know that (00:30:33) sounds mean. Dr. Becky, that doesn't (00:30:36) sound adaptive, but anger is pretty (00:30:37) powerful. And if it was so scary to (00:30:40) express anger in your home, your body (00:30:43) actually figured out how to develop a (00:30:45) part that was equally as powerful to (00:30:47) shut it down. Now, let's fast forward 20 (00:30:50) years, 40 years. I think we know even (00:30:53) theoretically we all get angry at the (00:30:55) people we love. That happens. (00:30:58) But just like attachment theory teaches (00:31:01) us, what happens in our adult (00:31:03) relationships becomes a lot of (00:31:04) reactivation of our earliest lessons. So (00:31:08) let's say you start to feel angry toward (00:31:10) your partner. But then there's this (00:31:13) protector part that's talking to you the (00:31:15) same way as when you were eight. It (00:31:17) doesn't know that it's 2025 or whatever (00:31:20) year it is now. It still thinks it's, I (00:31:22) don't know, 1980. So, it says to you, (00:31:24) "Don't be angry. Do you not appreciate (00:31:26) your partner? Something's wrong with (00:31:28) you." So, you shut down anger. You shut (00:31:30) down anger because of this protector (00:31:32) part that used to protect you. Maybe (00:31:34) isn't protecting you anymore, but it (00:31:35) thinks it's protecting you. And then we (00:31:37) all know what happens. We shut it down. (00:31:39) We shut it down. And then there's a (00:31:40) moment, oh boy, it comes out with such (00:31:44) explosiveness, (00:31:45) not because anything's wrong with us, (00:31:47) but because we didn't kind of let out (00:31:48) the steam earlier. Now, when I talk (00:31:51) about this with people, people say, (00:31:53) "Okay, so we just got to like get rid of (00:31:54) the protector parts, right?" Well, we (00:31:56) don't because from an internal family (00:31:58) systems perspective, that part developed (00:32:01) for a reason. We actually have to start (00:32:04) by thanking that part. Thank you for all (00:32:08) the years you kept me safe. You are (00:32:11) right. You were doing a really important (00:32:13) job. Expressing anger (00:32:17) was not safe. And nobody helped me learn (00:32:20) to express anger. And nobody gave me a (00:32:23) runway as a young kid to know, well, of (00:32:26) course Becky's not going to express (00:32:28) anger. Well, she's only five. That was (00:32:30) not the case. And so, you were so crafty (00:32:34) for so long in figuring out some way of (00:32:36) shutting anger down. Now, I'm here to (00:32:39) tell you, I'm not five anymore. I'm in a (00:32:42) different situation. (00:32:44) And I'm going to ask you for some (00:32:45) moments to kind of step back a little (00:32:47) bit so I can practice expressing my (00:32:50) anger in healthy ways, even to people I (00:32:52) love. And over time, you might get a (00:32:55) little worried, but we're kind of going (00:32:57) to figure this out together. And that (00:32:59) would be kind of an IFSbased (00:33:01) intervention where we're learning to (00:33:04) connect to our parts, understand their (00:33:07) original function, have compassion, and (00:33:10) in doing that they stop having such hold (00:33:13) on us. And so this IFS perspective has (00:33:16) really influenced how I think about (00:33:17) development, how I help parents, but (00:33:20) also some of my favorite interventions (00:33:23) to actually teach parents to do with (00:33:25) children is IFSbased and inspired. If we (00:33:29) can help our kids learn to kind of (00:33:31) recognize their parts early, that's one (00:33:34) of the most adaptive things that leads (00:33:36) to resilience later on. So all the time (00:33:39) in adulthood, we are faced with these (00:33:42) things that we become curious about. Oh, (00:33:44) is that one of the reasons I tend to act (00:33:46) this way? Let's talk about attachment. (00:33:48) Whenever I feel really upset, even maybe (00:33:51) at my partner, I tend to pull away. I (00:33:55) tend to pull away. I kind of push them (00:33:57) away. If I start to learn, huh, (00:34:01) if I do that at some point in my life, (00:34:04) was that adaptive? (00:34:06) might have been adaptive in my earliest (00:34:08) years to have learned when I'm feeling (00:34:10) big feelings, your best bet, it's not (00:34:13) ideal, but your best bet is to pull (00:34:16) away. (00:34:17) That is your first moment of like (00:34:21) immense power going forward in your (00:34:23) adult life. We can't change things (00:34:26) before we understand things. Like we (00:34:28) always say that at goods inside, we have (00:34:29) to understand before we intervene. And (00:34:31) understanding doesn't change things on (00:34:33) its own, but it's a necessary first (00:34:35) step. So you might reflect, hold on a (00:34:37) second. This style that I even play out (00:34:40) with my husband, with my kid, with (00:34:42) someone at work, yeah, there's stuff (00:34:44) going on in the present moment, but also (00:34:46) it might be some type of reactivation or (00:34:49) early pattern from the past. Then the (00:34:52) next step I think is, can I learn about (00:34:54) it? The thing that stops us from (00:34:55) learning about it is we feel like (00:34:57) there's so much shame. I encourage (00:34:58) people to kind of take this realization (00:35:00) or curiosity and almost like put it on a (00:35:02) shelf and look at it. Hm, that's (00:35:04) interesting. H I wonder what else I (00:35:07) could know about that. Hm, I think I'm (00:35:10) going to learn about you. I think I'm (00:35:11) going to take this book. There's so many (00:35:12) books about attachment. There's so much (00:35:14) we teach at Good Inside about something (00:35:16) called reparing, about triggers, which (00:35:19) is not at all about blaming your (00:35:21) parents. Blaming to me is such a (00:35:23) powerless move. That's not what we do. (00:35:26) It's actually about understanding. Why (00:35:27) am I the way I am? And why do I do (00:35:29) things that I don't want to do, but it (00:35:30) just keeps happening? And if we can (00:35:33) learn about that, then we can actually (00:35:36) start to talk about it with someone. I (00:35:37) might say to my partner, you know what (00:35:39) I've learned about myself (00:35:41) when I'm upset. (00:35:44) Even though I kind of could really use (00:35:46) some support (00:35:48) in the past, before I even knew you, I (00:35:51) never really got that support. So, one (00:35:53) of the things I would do is kind of pull (00:35:56) away. Do you ever feel like I do that to (00:35:58) you? Maybe like I get really really (00:36:01) snappy and even mean, which is not okay, (00:36:03) and then later we realize I'd actually (00:36:05) been having this really hard week at (00:36:07) work. Your partner might look and be (00:36:08) like, "Yeah." which actually it can feel (00:36:13) hard, but I promise you it can be this (00:36:15) beautiful moment of a new type of (00:36:17) connection when you're almost both (00:36:19) looking at this thing in the shelf like, (00:36:21) "Yeah, that's kind of true." And I think (00:36:24) in the best partnerships, both people (00:36:26) are understanding how my earliest (00:36:28) attachments influence what I'm bringing (00:36:31) today. and you learn about yourself and (00:36:33) you learn about each other because it's (00:36:36) amazing when a partner can start to see, (00:36:38) "Oh, I think she's doing that pulling (00:36:40) away thing." It doesn't mean it's my job (00:36:43) to make this better. But actually having (00:36:45) a little clarity, I might say to my (00:36:47) partner in a hard moment, "Hey, look, (00:36:50) the last week has been really hard. I (00:36:52) feel like you've been really snippy and (00:36:53) let's figure that out. I also know based (00:36:55) on our conversations, there might be (00:36:57) something hard and vulnerable you're (00:36:58) going through. (00:37:00) You can talk to me about that. This is (00:37:03) not the same as early on. And I know (00:37:06) it's going to feel hard because it's (00:37:07) new. Why don't you take a moment because (00:37:09) the snippiness and snapping at me, I (00:37:11) know that's not the version of you you (00:37:13) want to continue. And I know it's going (00:37:15) to be a leap of faith for you to try (00:37:18) something new. But I know we're both (00:37:19) working on this. I'm going to ask you to (00:37:20) do that. Why don't we find a time and (00:37:22) you can tell me what's really going on? (00:37:24) And this is where our earliest (00:37:26) attachments give us information to (00:37:28) empower ourselves. and in no way do they (00:37:30) kind of put us in some type of prison. (00:37:35) >> Chapter three, how to regulate your (00:37:37) emotions at any age. (00:37:39) >> There are things we can do to improve (00:37:42) our emotion regulation skills. Number (00:37:44) one is actually just realizing it's a (00:37:46) skill. I think parenting is a skill, (00:37:48) too. That's actually what everything we (00:37:49) do at Good Inside is based on. We've (00:37:52) been told forever, parenting comes (00:37:54) naturally. You should just know what to (00:37:55) do. I hear this from parents all the (00:37:56) time. I'm struggling with my kid. (00:37:58) They're having these tantrums. I'm (00:37:59) yelling them all the time and then they (00:38:01) say, "Yeah, I'm getting tips on (00:38:02) Instagram. Um, I read a book here or (00:38:04) there." But when you really realize, (00:38:06) hold on a second. This is a skill. Any (00:38:08) other area of my life that I really care (00:38:10) about? I invest in learning skills. I (00:38:13) get some professional help. I practice. (00:38:17) That's actually so empowering. That's a (00:38:19) sign of strength. It's just that (00:38:20) parenting has always been told to us. (00:38:22) It's something that just comes (00:38:24) naturally, which is why we feel shame (00:38:26) and we stay alone when we're struggling. (00:38:29) That's actually the biggest thing I hope (00:38:30) to change. And so, yes, there are so (00:38:32) many things we can do to work on our (00:38:33) parenting or to work on emotion (00:38:35) regulation, which is definitely a part (00:38:36) of parenting. Attachment theory and (00:38:39) emotion regulation are deeply connected (00:38:41) concepts. Kids are born with all of the (00:38:44) emotions and none of the skills to (00:38:46) manage those emotions. That gap, right, (00:38:49) explains why kids and adults act out. (00:38:52) It's when emotions are greater than (00:38:54) skills. But the thing about these skills (00:38:57) that's different than some other skills (00:38:59) is they're rarely just taught in a (00:39:01) textbook or in a classroom. (00:39:04) Kids learn skills to manage their (00:39:07) emotions through their attachment with (00:39:11) their parents. (00:39:13) This brings up the concept of (00:39:16) dysregulation and then co-regulation and (00:39:19) then the thing we all want emotion (00:39:21) regulation. So let me explain. Because (00:39:24) kids are born with all of the emotions (00:39:27) and none of the skills. They're often in (00:39:29) a state of disregulation. (00:39:32) All that really means is my emotions are (00:39:34) greater than my skills. So, my emotions (00:39:37) come out as a tantrum, as a huge (00:39:41) outburst, maybe as an I hate you, as (00:39:45) flailing on the floor. That is a state (00:39:48) of disregulation. (00:39:50) My kid is having big emotions but (00:39:53) doesn't have skills to manage. Okay. (00:39:55) What's co-regulation? (00:39:58) One of the ways and the most powerful (00:40:00) ways kids get from disregulation to (00:40:03) regulation is through borrowing a (00:40:08) parent's regulation. So, let's picture (00:40:11) the scene. My kid is melting down. Why? (00:40:15) Because I cut their grilled cheese into (00:40:17) triangles, not rectangles. Classic (00:40:20) meltdown. which is probably just (00:40:22) representative of there have been so (00:40:24) many things in my day that didn't go the (00:40:27) way I imagined and my bucket of (00:40:29) frustration is full and the triangle of (00:40:32) grilled cheese is just the thing that (00:40:33) spills it all out. My kid is (00:40:35) disregulated on the floor. How kids (00:40:38) learn eventually to regulate even in the (00:40:40) face of frustration or disappointment is (00:40:43) that they experience over and over and (00:40:47) over and over and over again a caregiver (00:40:50) who was able to stay relatively calm in (00:40:54) the moment the kid was disregulated. (00:40:57) It's almost like here's my disregulated (00:40:59) kid flailing on the floor. Here's my (00:41:01) calm. And it's almost like the calm can (00:41:05) transfer from my body to my kids. And (00:41:08) now my kid has this much calm. Not much, (00:41:12) but it's growing. You can almost imagine (00:41:15) this is, well, when will my kid be able (00:41:17) to stay totally calm? A big part of it (00:41:21) is the repetition over and over and (00:41:23) over. My parents stayed calm. I've (00:41:26) absorbed through co-regulation (00:41:29) enough of that calm regulation (00:41:33) that it's in my body and I can access (00:41:36) it. See, the scariest thing to a kid is (00:41:40) when they get disregulated and (00:41:42) overwhelmed, which is essentially like (00:41:44) the feelings in my body are so scary (00:41:47) that they take me over. That's such a (00:41:49) helpless state. But imagine your (00:41:51) four-year-old in that helpless state and (00:41:54) then they see their parent who they (00:41:56) depend on for survival and see, "Oh no, (00:41:59) the things that feel overwhelming to me (00:42:01) are also overwhelming to my parent. My (00:42:04) parent can't stay calm with this." (00:42:06) That's that situation where you're (00:42:08) freaking out when there's turbulence and (00:42:11) pilots freaking out when there's (00:42:12) turbulence. The way you're eventually, (00:42:15) even as an adult, going to feel safe (00:42:17) amidst turbulence is actually probably (00:42:19) going on flights over and over that have (00:42:21) turbulence and absorbing the regulation (00:42:24) from the pilot. You start to believe it (00:42:26) yourself. (00:42:28) And so through a kid's attachment (00:42:31) relationship with a caregiver, they (00:42:34) start to see things that overwhelm me (00:42:37) might not overwhelm me forever. (00:42:41) things that kind of knock me off my (00:42:42) rocker and feel intolerable (00:42:46) actually are tolerable to my most (00:42:49) important safest adult. And that over (00:42:53) and over brings a kid from disregulation (00:42:56) to co-regulation (00:42:58) to that eventual state of emotion (00:43:01) regulation. I should say that we never (00:43:04) fully live in emotion regulation. All (00:43:07) adults still need other adults in time (00:43:11) to help co-regulate. That's why when (00:43:13) you've had a horrible day and you go out (00:43:15) with some friends and you're having (00:43:17) dinner and they say, "Oh, that stinks. (00:43:19) I've been there, too." You're like, (00:43:20) "Wait, that's so weird. Nothing about my (00:43:22) day changed, but I'm actually feeling (00:43:25) better." We absorb some of the (00:43:28) validation and calm, and maybe someone (00:43:30) believes in us in a way we forgot that (00:43:32) we could believe in oursel. We still (00:43:34) need co-regulation even as adults, but (00:43:37) hopefully we're not as dependent on it (00:43:41) as often as our kids. And I promise you, (00:43:44) your kid won't be as an adult if they've (00:43:46) gone through that motion a bunch of (00:43:49) times in their early years. Our ability (00:43:51) to hold opposing truths at the same time (00:43:55) is one of the most important things for (00:43:57) our mental health and successful adult (00:43:59) relationships. I'll explain both. Our (00:44:02) feelings, our internal states are very (00:44:05) complicated. Very rarely do we just feel (00:44:09) one thing. For example, in parenthood, (00:44:12) you might feel like, I love my kid in a (00:44:15) way I've never loved anyone in the (00:44:17) world. And you might also think, I kind (00:44:22) of miss my pre-child life. If we're (00:44:25) forced to reconcile those two thoughts (00:44:28) as if only one of them can be true. When (00:44:30) I have the thought of, "Oh my goodness, (00:44:32) I miss my pre-child life," I start (00:44:34) telling myself a story. I'm a horrible (00:44:36) person. What kind of parent would say (00:44:38) that? I had to do so much to get (00:44:39) pregnant. I'm a monster. Good parents (00:44:42) don't think that way. You can imagine (00:44:43) the negative downward spiral from there. (00:44:46) As if having that thought means I don't (00:44:49) love the heck out of my kid. When we can (00:44:51) say to ourselves, and this is kind of a (00:44:53) good inside catchphrase, wait, two (00:44:56) things are true. I love my kid more than (00:44:59) I've loved anyone or anything in the (00:45:01) world. And there are moments when I miss (00:45:05) my pre-child life. I don't have to (00:45:07) reconcile those two things. I can just (00:45:09) say they're both true. I have a type of (00:45:11) internal peace. Now, being able to hold (00:45:14) two seemingly oppositional truths is (00:45:17) also critical for any successful (00:45:20) relationship. Meaning, my relationship (00:45:21) with my kid, my relationship with my (00:45:23) husband, my relationship with my (00:45:25) colleague, people see things (00:45:27) differently. And when we need someone (00:45:29) else to see things the exact way we see (00:45:32) things, we get into really intense (00:45:34) conflict. In a marriage, maybe we both (00:45:37) want to go to our own families for the (00:45:39) holiday. If I'm only trying to convince (00:45:42) my husband, here's why that's a (00:45:43) ridiculous idea. Here's why I should go (00:45:45) to my family. I think we all know how (00:45:46) that conversation goes. If I can say to (00:45:49) myself, hold on a second. I really want (00:45:50) to go to my family this year. Maybe I (00:45:53) can understand why my husband wants to (00:45:55) go to his family. Maybe we just need to (00:45:57) put on hold which family we're visiting. (00:46:00) But maybe I can understand my husband (00:46:03) and still understand myself. And maybe (00:46:07) that conversation will be a lot more (00:46:09) productive. And guess what? It is. This (00:46:11) comes into play all the time with (00:46:13) parenting, too. Setting boundaries is a (00:46:16) big part of a parent's job. And news (00:46:18) flash, kids generally have one reaction (00:46:21) to our setting boundaries, a tantrum. (00:46:25) Especially when they're young. When I (00:46:27) say to my kid, even beautifully, I know (00:46:29) it's hard to turn off the TV. And TV (00:46:32) time is over. I'm going to turn it off (00:46:33) now. I've never had a kid say to me, (00:46:36) "That's a really good decision, Mom. (00:46:38) Thanks for your sturdy leadership. No, (00:46:41) especially when my kids were younger and (00:46:42) they weren't used to boundaries. They (00:46:44) would cry. They would tantrum. They (00:46:46) would say, "You're the worst mom in the (00:46:47) world. All my friends watch more TV than (00:46:50) I do." If I can't hold two things as (00:46:53) true, if only one thing can be true, I (00:46:56) start getting very mad at my kid. You're (00:46:58) acting ridiculous. You already watched a (00:47:00) show. I surveyed all of your friends (00:47:03) parents and all of them told me they (00:47:05) actually watch less TV than you do. (00:47:07) explosion. If I can hold two things are (00:47:10) true, I'd say to myself, "Hold on. My (00:47:12) job is to set boundaries." (00:47:15) My kid's job is actually to kind of feel (00:47:16) their feelings so they can learn to deal (00:47:18) with them. I'm allowed to make the (00:47:20) decision to turn off the TV. My kid is (00:47:22) allowed to be upset about it. My (00:47:25) decision doesn't dictate my kid's (00:47:27) feelings, and my kid's feelings (00:47:29) definitely don't dictate my decision. I (00:47:32) can make a decision. My kid can be (00:47:34) upset. Two things are true. (00:47:37) Boundaries are one of the most important (00:47:39) things to understand. I think for any (00:47:41) relationship, a parenting relationship, (00:47:42) a work relationship, partnership, (00:47:44) definitely in your relationship with (00:47:45) in-laws, you have to understand (00:47:47) boundaries. And there's something I hear (00:47:49) all the time, right, in passing, my (00:47:51) mother-in-law doesn't respect my (00:47:53) boundaries. My son doesn't respect my (00:47:55) boundaries. And whenever I hear this (00:47:57) phrase, someone doesn't respect my (00:48:00) boundaries. If I'm honest, what I think (00:48:01) is, I don't think this person has a (00:48:03) correct definition of boundaries. So, (00:48:06) let me share my definition of boundaries (00:48:08) and then we'll go through why it's so (00:48:10) important and why boundaries actually (00:48:12) help us connect to other people as (00:48:15) opposed to boundaries getting in the way (00:48:16) of connection, which is what a lot of us (00:48:18) think. Boundaries are what we tell (00:48:20) someone we will do and they require the (00:48:25) other person to do nothing. So, there's (00:48:27) like a two-part checklist and I love (00:48:28) this. It's very practical. The next time (00:48:30) you think you're setting a boundary, you (00:48:31) can check in with both parts. Boundaries (00:48:34) are something we tell someone we will do (00:48:36) and they require the other person to do (00:48:38) nothing. Okay, so I think I set a (00:48:40) boundary. Did I tell someone what I will (00:48:42) do? And does the success of my boundary (00:48:45) require the other person to do nothing? (00:48:48) You have to have two yeses for it to (00:48:49) count as a boundary. So when I say to my (00:48:53) son, right, and this is a great example (00:48:54) cuz I live in New York City. I live in (00:48:57) an elevator building and I have a kid (00:49:00) who has about 0% people pleasing in him, (00:49:03) right? So, he's not inherently (00:49:04) peopleleasing. Good for him later on. (00:49:07) Challenging in childhood, right? And so, (00:49:09) if I say to my kid, when we get into the (00:49:11) elevator, (00:49:13) don't press all the elevator buttons. (00:49:15) It's very annoying to stop at all the (00:49:17) floors or it's disrespectful to other (00:49:19) people waiting. And then my son goes in (00:49:21) and just presses all the buttons. So (00:49:23) many parents would say, "My kid doesn't (00:49:26) respect my boundaries." Or, "Get off the (00:49:30) couch. Hey, stop jumping on the couch. (00:49:33) Hey, I'm going to count to five." My kid (00:49:35) doesn't get off and I say, "My kid (00:49:37) doesn't respect my boundaries." Okay. In (00:49:39) both situations, did I tell my kid what (00:49:41) I will do? No. Does the success of my (00:49:45) boundary require my kid to do nothing? (00:49:47) No. In both situations, this is so (00:49:50) powerful. I am making a request. I'm (00:49:52) requesting for my kid not to press the (00:49:54) buttons. I'm requesting for my kid to (00:49:57) get off the couch. Now, there's nothing (00:49:58) wrong with a request. We make requests (00:50:00) all the time. And if our kid especially (00:50:05) isn't able to follow a request and we (00:50:07) think it's really, really important, we (00:50:10) have to set a true boundary. Now, watch (00:50:12) for the difference. Hey, when we go into (00:50:14) the elevator, I'm going to stand between (00:50:16) you and the buttons. And sweetie, even (00:50:19) if you lunge for the buttons, I will (00:50:20) stop you. And then if you're wondering (00:50:22) what I would do, yeah, I would get (00:50:24) ready. I'd have my like move ready when (00:50:26) my kid lunges. I would just say I'm not (00:50:27) going to let you do that. That's a great (00:50:29) boundary. Not we don't. It's like a (00:50:32) weird thing we all learn to say to our (00:50:33) kid. We don't press buttons. We don't (00:50:36) hit. Hopefully your kid knows that. Not (00:50:38) we don't. That's really giving away all (00:50:41) your authority. Listen to this language. (00:50:42) I'm not going to let you do that and (00:50:44) then I'm going to stop my kid. That's a (00:50:46) boundary. I'm telling my kid what I will (00:50:48) do and I'm not putting the success of my (00:50:52) intervention in the hands of my (00:50:54) four-year-old. And that actually gives (00:50:56) you back your power. A true boundary (00:50:59) gives you your power. Think about all (00:51:01) the times we say, "H, I told my kid to (00:51:04) turn off the TV and they didn't do it. (00:51:06) They don't respect my boundary." Why am (00:51:09) I giving my six-year-old my power? And (00:51:11) then in doing that, I actually lose (00:51:13) connection because you know what happens (00:51:14) in that TV example or the couch example? (00:51:17) My kid doesn't get off the couch. They (00:51:18) don't turn off the TV and I end up (00:51:20) yelling at them, which really diminishes (00:51:23) connection. But if I zoom out, I can (00:51:25) almost say to myself, why am I setting (00:51:27) myself up for this moment? I don't even (00:51:30) have the impulse control to turn off the (00:51:31) TV. I go to bed later than I want to. (00:51:33) How in any situation is my six-year-old (00:51:37) going to watch a TV show and say, "You (00:51:39) know what? It's a good decision to turn (00:51:41) off the TV. It's just not realistic. So, (00:51:44) what should I do? The next time we watch (00:51:45) TV, I'm going to hold the remote, (00:51:47) sweetie, and at the end of your (00:51:49) showtime, I'm going to turn the TV off. (00:51:51) My kid will not say thank you, but that (00:51:53) is a boundary." And it's more connecting (00:51:55) because I'm setting my kid up for (00:51:57) success. And I'm not asking my kid to do (00:52:00) my job for me. I'm not saying could you (00:52:04) do the thing that's hard for me because (00:52:05) I don't really want you to have a (00:52:06) tantrum and I don't really want to deal (00:52:08) with that. So, I'm going to put the (00:52:09) power in you. No way. We want to get our (00:52:12) authority back, which is a big thing at (00:52:14) Good Inside. I call it authority without (00:52:16) aggression. It's a rare form of (00:52:18) authority we haven't seen a lot of (00:52:20) models of, but it's authority without (00:52:22) aggression. I'm the decision maker. I'm (00:52:24) going to set boundaries before I get (00:52:26) frustrated. I'm going to set boundaries (00:52:28) before you end up doing the bad (00:52:29) behavior. And that's actually going to (00:52:32) preserve our relationship. Another (00:52:35) example of this at work, because it's (00:52:36) the same thing. You're always showing up (00:52:38) for a 9:00 a.m. meeting. You're leading (00:52:40) this meeting and someone's always late (00:52:42) and you're so annoyed. And you say to (00:52:44) them maybe some various passive (00:52:46) aggressive things. It would be nice if (00:52:47) we could start on time tomorrow, right? (00:52:50) And then we think this person doesn't (00:52:52) respect me. Please be on time. They (00:52:54) didn't come. If you want to set a true (00:52:56) boundary, you can say at the meeting, (00:52:58) hey, starting tomorrow at 9:00 a.m. (00:53:00) meetings, I just want to let you all (00:53:01) know, I will begin the meeting at 9:00. (00:53:04) I won't end up repeating things. If you (00:53:05) end up being late to the meeting, I know (00:53:07) we're all trying our best. Some mornings (00:53:08) are like that. You can come to me after. (00:53:10) You can get notes from someone else. I (00:53:12) will begin meetings at 9:00 starting (00:53:14) tomorrow. Like, I hope you feel a little (00:53:16) pep in your step. you're like, "Oh, (00:53:18) instead of giving my power away to (00:53:20) someone else, I'm actually reclaiming it (00:53:22) and I can do it in a really kind, (00:53:24) connecting way." And that's really what (00:53:27) leadership, whether in the home or in (00:53:28) the workplace, is all about. So, when (00:53:31) we're flustered, and parents ask me this (00:53:33) all the time, what do I do when I'm (00:53:34) really flustered to like calm down? And (00:53:37) I think a parent even once said to me, (00:53:39) I'm on the edge. I'm about to scream at (00:53:41) my kid. I know it. I don't want to. What (00:53:43) do I do in that moment? I often think of (00:53:46) this being the equivalent of someone (00:53:48) saying to me, "All right, I drove to a (00:53:50) cliff. My car is on the edge of the (00:53:52) cliff. How do I not fall off the cliff?" (00:53:55) And what I would say to that person is, (00:53:58) "Why? Why are you driving to a cliff?" (00:54:00) Like, I mean it. We're asking the wrong (00:54:03) question. The best question is, how can (00:54:05) I recognize that I'm on a road that (00:54:08) always ends on a cliff and try to like (00:54:12) exit that road before I get to the (00:54:14) cliff? When you're on the cliff, how do (00:54:16) you not fall off the cliff? I really (00:54:17) mean this. Nobody has a great answer to (00:54:19) that. I don't. I mean, sure, I guess (00:54:22) there's one or two things we could do, (00:54:24) but our ability to do something (00:54:26) productive when we're teetering on the (00:54:29) edge, it's selling ourselves short. It's (00:54:31) kind of like not setting our kid up for (00:54:33) success. We're not setting oursel up for (00:54:36) success. So often, I think we're asking (00:54:39) kind of the wrong questions, which is (00:54:41) actually why we're stuck. And it's so (00:54:43) empowering to know if you feel stuck (00:54:44) with a question, how do I not tip off (00:54:46) the edge? It's so empowering to say to (00:54:48) yourself, wait, maybe it's not that I (00:54:50) don't know the answer to this question. (00:54:51) Maybe I just need to ask a different (00:54:52) question. And the question here is, how (00:54:54) do I start recognizing that I'm getting (00:54:56) overwhelmed? How do I start recognizing (00:54:58) what's happening in my nervous system (00:54:59) before I'm at a 10 out of 10? How do I (00:55:02) recognize I'm getting overstimulated so (00:55:03) I can kind of empty some of that sensory (00:55:05) bucket before I get to the point that (00:55:07) I'm full, at which point anybody would (00:55:09) explode? And I love this question (00:55:11) because it's much more hopeful. Number (00:55:14) one is we have to realize anger is a (00:55:18) healthy emotion. I don't just mean a (00:55:20) normal emotion. It's a healthy emotion. (00:55:24) Anger tells us what we want and what we (00:55:26) need. I actually wouldn't wish the (00:55:29) removal of anger on anyone. If we want (00:55:31) to preserve any sense of self-esteem and (00:55:34) selfworth, we have to have access to (00:55:36) anger. Can you imagine someone saying, (00:55:38) "I'm never angry." That's really a way (00:55:39) of saying, "I never know what I want. I (00:55:42) never know what I need." That's actually (00:55:44) a really, really sad state of being. (00:55:46) Actually, having access to anger means (00:55:49) you still have access to selfworth. the (00:55:51) belief that you do kind of deserve to (00:55:53) want and need things. Now, why is anger (00:55:56) so hard to manage? It goes back to (00:55:57) attachment and internal family systems (00:55:59) and our earliest years. Anger is one of (00:56:02) the hardest emotions to develop skills (00:56:04) for because it's so powerful. But the (00:56:07) issue wasn't anger itself. The issue was (00:56:10) most of us weren't taught skills to (00:56:11) effectively manage anger and we weren't (00:56:13) given a long enough kind of runway to (00:56:16) learn how to do that. Instead, we were (00:56:18) like sent to our rooms, which ironically (00:56:20) only makes us more angry without having (00:56:23) skills. Pretty counterproductive. In (00:56:25) adulthood, a big part of reparing, and (00:56:28) this is some of my favorite work to do (00:56:29) with parents, can do maybe a little (00:56:31) preview of it here, is to start to (00:56:34) reclaim access to healthy anger. Here's (00:56:37) an example, and most people wouldn't (00:56:39) think about it as anger. Okay, I'm (00:56:42) really overwhelmed at bath time. Let's (00:56:43) say, let's say I'm a stay at home parent (00:56:45) or I'm home earlier and my partner works (00:56:48) every night. I think wish I had more (00:56:50) help. Wish I had more help. Right? You (00:56:53) feel a little angry. (00:56:55) If you're able to recognize anger, hi, (00:56:57) anger. Well, that makes sense. Anger (00:57:00) tells me what I want and need. What do I (00:57:02) want? I want some help. I need some (00:57:04) support. Okay, I'm allowing myself to (00:57:06) feel anger. And maybe then because I've (00:57:08) done that process, I'm able to, and this (00:57:11) takes practice and skills, which I love (00:57:12) to teach parents, speak directly, not (00:57:15) this. This is what we do too often. It (00:57:18) would be nice if you were home for a (00:57:19) bath time some point. No. (00:57:23) Hey, I feel overwhelmed around doing (00:57:25) bath time by myself, and I really, (00:57:28) really need more support. Can you let me (00:57:30) know two nights this week that you can (00:57:32) be home by 5:25 p.m.? I really mean it. (00:57:35) I start with a feeling. I name a need (00:57:38) and I am specific. I always just have (00:57:40) this little acronym, feeling, need, (00:57:42) specific. The specificity matters (00:57:44) because so often, especially in (00:57:45) parenting, when you're the holder of (00:57:46) information, you say bath time, the (00:57:49) person who's less involved for whatever (00:57:50) reason might have no idea what you mean. (00:57:52) They're like, I came home at 7:00. Oh, I (00:57:53) didn't know that bath time was at 5:30. (00:57:56) And this is hard for a lot of us because (00:57:58) we have been so conditioned to try to (00:58:00) get as far away from anger as possible (00:58:03) that we don't communicate directly. We (00:58:05) kind of dance around it and we do (00:58:06) something extremely powerless. We hope (00:58:09) someone else recognizes our need before (00:58:12) we do. Like we're almost crossing our (00:58:14) fingers. I hope my partner knows I need (00:58:15) help at 525. We do something I call we (00:58:18) hint and hope. Oh, I'm just going to (00:58:20) drop a hint and I'm going to hope. So (00:58:22) disempowering. So amazing to realize, (00:58:24) wait, anger is healthy. It's telling me (00:58:26) what I need. What do I need? Can I (00:58:28) listen to it? Can I name a feeling? (00:58:31) Right? I probably need help. That's what (00:58:33) my anger's telling me, right? With bath (00:58:35) time and the minimum is two nights a (00:58:39) week at 5:25. Now, what I'm doing, and I (00:58:41) always talk about this with parents, (00:58:43) kind of if I think about a road to rage, (00:58:45) which is what we mean when we fall off (00:58:46) the cliff, is instead of waiting till (00:58:49) I'm almost at the cliff, I'm exiting. (00:58:52) I'm I'm literally taking an exit. (00:58:54) Another example might be, "Oh, I'm so (00:58:56) touched out. I can't even deal with my (00:58:58) kids anywhere near me." Wait, maybe (00:59:01) that's an anger signal in a way. What do (00:59:03) I need? I need some time alone. Huh? (00:59:07) Whenever I tell my kids I'm going to go (00:59:08) for a walk, maybe my partner's home or I (00:59:10) have some help or they're old enough to (00:59:12) stay home alone and they say, "Wait, I (00:59:13) want to go with you." Now I realize, (00:59:15) "No, sweetie. (00:59:17) I really love being your parent and (00:59:18) being with you. I want to be very (00:59:20) direct. I also really need time to (00:59:21) myself. That's really important. So, (00:59:23) it's okay if you're upset. I'm going to (00:59:24) take this walk for the next 20 minutes (00:59:26) totally by myself. That's something I (00:59:28) need." That is another kind of exit on (00:59:31) that road and ironically comes from your (00:59:32) ability to recognize anger. You're (00:59:34) feeling a little angry at your kids, (00:59:36) resentful, and you can actually use that (00:59:38) information to exit that road again (00:59:41) before we're on the cliff. I actually (00:59:43) think the simplest thing you can do is (00:59:45) adopt this AVP practice. AP is a basic (00:59:50) foundational emotion regulation skill. (00:59:52) And just to go through those steps, it's (00:59:54) acknowledge, validate, permit. I'm not (00:59:57) going to be able to regulate my feelings (01:00:00) of anxiety or jealousy if I'm not able (01:00:03) to say, "I think I'm feeling anxious. (01:00:06) Oh, there's that jealous feeling." I (01:00:09) always think of acknowledgement as (01:00:11) saying hi to something. And I find this (01:00:13) really, really useful because as soon as (01:00:15) I can say hi to jealousy, then jealousy (01:00:18) is a part of me and not all of me. Okay? (01:00:21) So, as soon as I can say, "Whoa, hi, (01:00:24) jealous feeling about my friend getting (01:00:26) a promotion when I'm kind of struggling (01:00:28) at work." Now, instead of jealousy kind (01:00:31) of being in the driver's seat of my car, (01:00:33) it just feels like it's taken over. (01:00:34) That's when we make really bad (01:00:36) decisions. I'm in the driver's seat of (01:00:38) my car. I'm kind of like waving to (01:00:41) jealousy in the back seat. It's kind of (01:00:43) like an annoying, pesky passenger, but (01:00:45) I'm acknowledging it. And then I think (01:00:48) we have validation. (01:00:51) Validation is telling yourself why your (01:00:54) feeling makes sense. That doesn't have (01:00:56) anything to do with saying your behavior (01:00:59) about the feeling makes sense. It might (01:01:02) make perfect sense that you're feeling (01:01:03) jealous. That doesn't mean you should (01:01:05) send a nasty text message to your (01:01:06) friends about your friend who got the (01:01:08) good job promotion. Not okay. But you (01:01:10) have to be able to say to yourself, (01:01:11) "Well, (01:01:14) I've been really working hard at work (01:01:15) and I haven't gotten the promotion I (01:01:16) thought I was going to get. So, it makes (01:01:17) sense that I'm jealous." Validation does (01:01:21) not mean I agree with how you feel. When (01:01:25) I say to my kid, (01:01:28) I get it. You wish you could stay up (01:01:30) later. No part of me thinks it's a good (01:01:32) idea for them to stay up later. They (01:01:34) have a bedtime because I think it's the (01:01:35) right bedtime. But validation is so (01:01:39) important because it's kind of saying to (01:01:41) someone else, I see your emotions as (01:01:45) real for you, which is really no SKIN (01:01:48) OFF MY BACK. I'm not saying it's real (01:01:50) for me. I'm not even saying I would feel (01:01:53) like that if I were in your position. (01:01:55) It's interesting. The only reason we (01:01:57) can't validate someone else is because (01:01:59) we are in a one thing is true mentality. (01:02:02) We are only thinking, well, I don't feel (01:02:04) that way. Well, I wouldn't feel that (01:02:06) way. Well, I didn't feel that way when I (01:02:08) was that age. That could all be true. (01:02:10) But we have to hold two things are true. (01:02:12) I don't feel that way. I wouldn't have (01:02:13) felt that way. My child is feeling that (01:02:16) way. At our core, as humans, we are all (01:02:20) just looking to feel believed. And the (01:02:23) reason that's so important is because (01:02:25) our feelings are both so powerful and (01:02:28) completely invisible. See, when a kid (01:02:31) falls and skins their knee and is (01:02:33) bleeding and they're crying in pain, (01:02:36) there's something very useful about (01:02:38) seeing the blood or the cut. They're (01:02:40) like, "I thought that was painful. Oh, (01:02:42) look at that. It's real blood. I'm (01:02:45) right." Feelings are so confusing (01:02:48) because every adult knows when you feel (01:02:50) something intensely, it is just such a (01:02:54) powerful sensation in your body. But (01:02:57) there's no blood to prove it. There's no (01:03:00) blood test. There's nothing external (01:03:03) that is a sign that what you're feeling (01:03:06) is real. And so as humans, when someone (01:03:11) sees an invisible feeling that's taking (01:03:14) over our body as real, it's like the (01:03:17) ultimate sigh of relief. It's like I'm (01:03:20) not so crazy after all. This thing that (01:03:23) I feel is real. Yeah, this is a real (01:03:26) thing. Now, the reason validation also (01:03:28) is something we want to do for our kids, (01:03:30) knowing that it doesn't mean we agree, (01:03:32) is our kids can't learn to manage a (01:03:35) feeling in their body if they don't get (01:03:37) the message that the feeling is real. (01:03:39) That's a precondition. (01:03:41) So, people say to me, "But I don't want (01:03:43) my kid to think it's just okay to freak (01:03:45) out like this about going to bed, so I'm (01:03:47) not going to validate the feeling." I (01:03:48) said, "Whoa, let's take the long game (01:03:51) here." Ironically, if you want your kid (01:03:54) when they're older to not freak out (01:03:56) about going to bed, you actually do want (01:03:58) to validate their feelings. That's step (01:04:00) one. It's hard not to make your own (01:04:02) decision. (01:04:04) It stinks to have someone else pick your (01:04:06) bedtime. Even just you're really upset (01:04:08) that you have to go to bed right now. I (01:04:11) believe you. Now, the same thing is true (01:04:14) for self-regulation in adulthood. (01:04:18) Validating your own feelings doesn't (01:04:21) mean this feeling is going to be true (01:04:22) forever. It doesn't mean this feeling (01:04:25) means you have to act in a certain way. (01:04:28) It's just kind of a way of saying to the (01:04:30) sensations in your body, (01:04:33) you're real. (01:04:35) I believe you. And I promise you what (01:04:39) that does to kind of cool down the (01:04:41) intensity is remarkable. You can almost (01:04:43) think about your feelings like this (01:04:45) annoying friend who's just trying to get (01:04:48) your attention and you're like, "Stop (01:04:50) it. Stop it. Go away. I wish this friend (01:04:52) wasn't at this party." You just kind of (01:04:54) have to look at the friend sometimes and (01:04:56) say, "Hi, I see you. You're real." And (01:04:59) then that friend will like simmer down a (01:05:01) little bit and won't be as pesky. So, (01:05:04) big picture, validation doesn't mean (01:05:07) agreeing. Validation doesn't mean I feel (01:05:12) the same way. Validation is just a way (01:05:14) of saying a feeling is real for that (01:05:17) person. And when you think about it that (01:05:19) way, it might be a lot easier to start (01:05:21) doing. The next thing that I think is (01:05:23) missing is what I call permission, which (01:05:25) is just giving yourself permission to (01:05:26) have the feeling. It's actually (01:05:28) remarkable. Sometimes I think our (01:05:29) feelings would be saying to us, "Please (01:05:32) just allow us to be there. Please just (01:05:34) allow us to live in your body. We're not (01:05:36) looking for much more." As soon as I can (01:05:38) say to myself, I allow myself to feel (01:05:40) jealous. I permit this jealous feeling. (01:05:43) It also doesn't have as much of a hold (01:05:46) on us. So, I'm asked a lot, all this (01:05:48) validation of my kids feelings, am I (01:05:51) just coddling them? And I love this (01:05:54) question because I really really want to (01:05:56) differentiate the two. Codling is a real (01:05:58) thing. Let me be clear. There are a lot (01:06:00) of parents, I see it, too, where there's (01:06:02) cuddling. And what that really means is (01:06:04) you are limiting your kid's capability. (01:06:07) Good inside is all about helping your (01:06:10) kid access and bring out their (01:06:13) capability. I believe that's the best (01:06:15) thing for kids. That's what resilience (01:06:16) is. And validation of whatever your kid (01:06:19) is feeling is a part of helping your kid (01:06:22) be capable, but it's not the whole (01:06:23) thing. I think about two things that are (01:06:26) really important components (01:06:29) of helping a kid become more capable. (01:06:31) And the first one is kind of that I (01:06:33) believe you. And and we hear other (01:06:35) people talk about this. So let's say a (01:06:37) kid is on a soccer team, but they're no (01:06:40) longer starting and they found that out. (01:06:42) They don't want to go to practice (01:06:43) tomorrow. (01:06:45) To me, the first I believe you, the (01:06:47) validation would sound something like (01:06:50) this. Look, I get it. I would probably (01:06:54) feel the same way. Like I just kind of (01:06:55) want to stay in my room. I can't believe (01:06:56) I lost my starting spot. That stinks. If (01:07:00) I say that to my kid and then I say, "I (01:07:02) guess you don't have to go." Yeah. I I (01:07:05) think that's really limiting to a kid. (01:07:08) Really limiting. It's not just coddling. (01:07:10) I I just think it's a very sad thing (01:07:12) that when a kid feels that they're not (01:07:14) capable of something because of their (01:07:15) emotions, we collude in that not so (01:07:20) capable version of themselves. I think (01:07:21) that ends up being a horrible feeling to (01:07:23) a kid. Oh, I didn't think I was capable (01:07:25) of doing something hard. And no one else (01:07:28) really believed in me either. (01:07:31) Now, the opposite of coddling, I guess, (01:07:34) would be something like, "You're making (01:07:35) a big deal out of nothing. Go to (01:07:37) practice. This is absurd." (01:07:39) It's interesting. I I don't think that (01:07:41) helps bring out a kid's resilience (01:07:42) either. Now, all of a sudden, my kid (01:07:43) really doesn't want to go to practice (01:07:45) because it's just a way to defy me. So, (01:07:46) that's counterproductive. My kids's (01:07:48) going to feel let down at a million (01:07:49) points in their life when they're older. (01:07:51) And if they can't do that first step of (01:07:53) acknowledging and validating and (01:07:55) permitting their feelings, they're not (01:07:56) going to be able to recover from it. And (01:07:57) just judging yourself for your feelings (01:07:59) makes them harder to deal with. So (01:08:01) what's that middle ground? What's that (01:08:03) resilience building ground? We have this (01:08:05) I believe you. But the second part, and (01:08:07) I do think this is missing sometimes, (01:08:09) but let me tell you, it is core to what (01:08:11) we do at Good Inside. We never forget (01:08:13) it. I believe you and I believe in you. (01:08:17) It's actually really easy to remember (01:08:19) that. I believe you and I believe in (01:08:21) you. You want to raise a resilient kid, (01:08:24) especially in the face of some nervous (01:08:25) or anxious feelings. You need both (01:08:27) parts. Okay? And in a way, I picture my (01:08:31) kids kind of in a hole almost. Not like (01:08:32) a abyss, but let's say it's like a (01:08:34) little hole like I can't do this. No, I (01:08:37) kind of need one foot in the hole with (01:08:38) them. Like that's the part that's (01:08:40) validating. I believe you. I'm with you. (01:08:42) But this is important. You need one foot (01:08:44) out of the hole. I always think about (01:08:46) it. One foot in validation, one foot in (01:08:49) capability and hope. So, what would that (01:08:51) sound like? We started. Look, I get it. (01:08:54) I feel the same way. Honestly, (01:08:57) not having a starting spot anymore, (01:08:59) that's really hard. And I, too, would (01:09:01) probably just want to curl up in my bed (01:09:03) and not go to practice. (01:09:06) And (01:09:08) you're a kid who can do hard things. I (01:09:10) want you to hear that from me. You are. (01:09:14) and showing up to practice really (01:09:16) uncomfortable and a little bit (01:09:17) embarrassed. I'm not going to tell you (01:09:19) you can work your way out of that. It is (01:09:21) going to be a really, really hard (01:09:22) practice. (01:09:24) And you're actually going to get more (01:09:26) out of going through that than you (01:09:28) probably would if you were just having (01:09:29) the starting position for the rest of (01:09:31) high school. I want to be honest and I (01:09:33) really know you can do this. That's not (01:09:36) coddling. Now, parents get very (01:09:37) specific. So, do you make them go to (01:09:39) practice? There's so many dynamics in a (01:09:40) family. No parent is usually that (01:09:42) successful making their like 16-year-old (01:09:43) do anything. But this also has to do (01:09:46) with the way you've related to them (01:09:47) until that point and whether you kind of (01:09:48) have enough of what I call connection (01:09:50) capital built up with them for that (01:09:53) intervention to really be helpful. I'll (01:09:56) give you another example, right? Your (01:09:58) kid isn't in class with anyone they're (01:09:59) friends with. You have to call the (01:10:01) school. You have to switch me so I'm (01:10:03) with Molly and Priya, whatever their (01:10:06) friends names are. Look, sweetie. I (01:10:08) remember when I was your age and I found (01:10:11) out I wasn't in first grade with my best (01:10:12) friends. That stinks. That doesn't just (01:10:15) stink like this or this. It's like big (01:10:17) time. (01:10:19) And (01:10:21) you're a kid who's going to get through (01:10:22) this. I'm not going to call the school. (01:10:24) Sometimes we don't get our friends in (01:10:26) our class. And actually, you're going to (01:10:28) feel more confident at the end of this (01:10:29) year having gotten through that. (01:10:30) Probably having made some new friends. (01:10:32) But either way, just seeing that you can (01:10:34) get through disappointment. So, I'm not (01:10:36) going to call the school. I'm not going (01:10:37) to switch your class, but I will remind (01:10:39) you every day how capable you are. And (01:10:40) I'll also understand that you're sad and (01:10:42) we're going to get through this (01:10:43) together. That is resilience building. (01:10:46) Because when you get older and (01:10:48) something's really hard, you have to do (01:10:49) that first step. This stinks. I got (01:10:51) fired from my job. And then if you also (01:10:53) hear that second voice and I'm going to (01:10:56) get through this. I feel overwhelmed (01:10:58) with kind of sadness and shame, but I (01:11:01) also know there's some other version of (01:11:03) me who's going to get to the other side. (01:11:05) I can't even really see her right now, (01:11:07) but I know she's there. That combination (01:11:09) of those two. Oo, chef's kiss. That's (01:11:12) resilience. (01:11:14) I think a lot about how screens, both (01:11:18) our relationship with screens as parents (01:11:20) and our kids' relationships with screens (01:11:22) are affecting emotion regulation. I (01:11:24) think the core thing I think about is (01:11:27) our relationship with frustration is (01:11:30) dramatically changing so quickly because (01:11:34) of the ease and frankly the quick (01:11:37) dopamine hits that screens give us all (01:11:40) the time. So, let's start with children, (01:11:42) but then I'll talk about parents because (01:11:43) I think that's the part that's often (01:11:44) left out of the conversation. Our kids, (01:11:46) because of technology, there's just a (01:11:48) lot more ease built into their everyday (01:11:51) life. Whether it's I just get to sit on (01:11:53) an iPad and basically go like this, bing (01:11:56) bing bing bing bing, basically nothing, (01:11:59) effortless, and dopamine and enjoyment (01:12:02) and excitement and reward just come to (01:12:06) me. It's kind of the opposite of all the (01:12:09) circuitry we would want kids to build in (01:12:12) terms of what will be adaptive later on. (01:12:14) Like even think about your kid at five (01:12:15) learning to read or in their first job (01:12:17) taking on a hard project. You want them (01:12:20) to have a circuit that kind of says I (01:12:22) have to put in a lot of effort and a lot (01:12:24) of work. By the way, a lot of time, a (01:12:27) lot of struggle, a lot of intentionality (01:12:30) and then one day in the future I will (01:12:33) have a reward. reward comes later after (01:12:36) a lot of hard work is basically the (01:12:38) opposite of I do basically no hard work (01:12:41) and get reward right away. So it makes (01:12:44) sense that our kids have less what I (01:12:46) call frustration tolerance. There is (01:12:49) less tolerance for frustration which is (01:12:53) essentially the space between wanting (01:12:55) and having because the space between (01:12:57) wanting and having for children and (01:12:59) technology has been collapsed. I often (01:13:02) think even just about watching a movie (01:13:04) I was fortunate to grow up in a family (01:13:07) where he had a Blockbuster membership. (01:13:08) Okay, so I think about, oh, I really (01:13:10) want to watch a movie. Okay, let me go (01:13:12) talk to my parents and see when they can (01:13:13) take me to Blockbuster. Okay, maybe (01:13:16) that's a day or two. Now, let's go on (01:13:18) the drive to Blockbuster. This is (01:13:19) already 48 hours where I'm like, "Oh, I (01:13:21) really want to watch this movie. Really (01:13:23) want to watch True Beverly Hills, (01:13:24) whatever it is." We finally get to (01:13:26) Blockbuster. go and you're winding (01:13:28) through the aisles and then you see the (01:13:29) image and sometimes as most of us (01:13:32) remember is you you look behind and (01:13:34) you're like, "Oh man, they're out. They (01:13:36) don't even have that movie." Or maybe (01:13:37) they do, but it took such a long time (01:13:40) between wanting and imagining and (01:13:43) having. (01:13:45) If we think about the time a child right (01:13:50) now has between wanting to watch a show (01:13:52) and having a show, I I it's essentially (01:13:56) no time. It's almost like magic. Like, (01:13:59) if I want something, it magically (01:14:02) appears in front of me in that moment. (01:14:05) And I think too often we're not thinking (01:14:07) about how does this show up in school? (01:14:09) How does this show up in a kid's ability (01:14:12) to learn to read? Now, there's (01:14:14) definitely learning dynamics around (01:14:17) reading, right? There's phonics. (01:14:19) Certainly, some kids are dyslexic or (01:14:21) have attention struggles. But for a lot (01:14:24) of kids who struggle, it's one of the (01:14:25) first things around age five that they (01:14:28) actually have to wait and work and not (01:14:32) succeed at right away. And you know (01:14:33) what? With reading, nobody is just (01:14:36) delivering to you right away the ability (01:14:38) to read. And so if that circuit in a (01:14:41) kid's body work, try stick with it. (01:14:44) Don't get it. Keep trying. Hear that (01:14:47) voice that says, "I can't do it." Take a (01:14:49) deep breath. Take a break. Come back. (01:14:52) Keep going. And the best it gets is, I (01:14:54) don't know, you can read a part of a (01:14:55) word, but not even the whole word at the (01:14:57) end of that lesson. If that circuit has (01:15:01) not been developed in other parts of a (01:15:04) kid's life by the time they learn to (01:15:05) read, it's no wonder the kid looks like (01:15:08) they're essentially having a meltdown (01:15:10) and can't attend to it because it is a (01:15:13) totally new task and completely at odds (01:15:17) with all the reward circuitry they've (01:15:20) come to expect in their 5-year-old life. (01:15:23) Okay. Now, the part that I think we (01:15:25) often neglect and is so important is (01:15:28) what our relationship with screens in (01:15:31) adulthood (01:15:32) has done in terms of the dynamics around (01:15:34) parenting. So, we kind of know our kids (01:15:36) are less tolerant of frustration, which (01:15:39) actually does mean they probably do have (01:15:40) more bad behavior because their (01:15:44) expectations are so different than ours (01:15:46) were. But now in adulthood, I know, and (01:15:50) I can just speak for myself, I'm on my (01:15:52) phone a lot. I've gotten used to this (01:15:54) world where I don't have to go to (01:15:55) Blockbuster. I want to watch a movie. (01:15:57) I'm going to watch that movie. I even (01:15:59) think about an ingredient I might want (01:16:01) to have for tonight's meal. I can go (01:16:03) bing bing bing and the thing is (01:16:04) delivered to my house. So much more (01:16:06) ease, so much more immediate (01:16:09) gratification, so much more dopamine, so (01:16:12) much less frustration, (01:16:14) so much convenience, and so much less (01:16:17) inconvenience in our adult life. I think (01:16:19) one of the most important things to know (01:16:20) about raising young kids is actually (01:16:22) that it's massively inconvenient when (01:16:25) it's done well. Your kid will have a (01:16:27) tantrum when you go to the grocery store (01:16:28) and you're like, "Well, I guess I'm not (01:16:30) getting groceries. I'm going to have to (01:16:31) pick my kid up and carry them out. (01:16:32) You're a good kid having a hard time. (01:16:33) Whatever I say, put them in the car. (01:16:35) Work through it." So inconvenient. I'm (01:16:37) home for 10 minutes after work and my (01:16:40) kid is screaming. I get it. (01:16:42) Inconvenient. If you think about what (01:16:44) phones have done to our tolerance of the (01:16:47) day-to-day inconveniences of parenting, (01:16:51) it's dramatic. I think one of the (01:16:53) reasons we kind of can get into this bad (01:16:55) cycle, our kids are less tolerant of (01:16:57) frustration in part because of (01:16:59) technology and their expectations of too (01:17:01) much immediate gratification, more bad (01:17:03) behavior. (01:17:05) We are less tolerant of our kids' bad (01:17:08) behavior because of our relationship (01:17:10) with our screams, which means instead of (01:17:12) tolerating it, oh, we're going to work (01:17:14) through this together, where it's like, (01:17:16) fine, take an iPad. Fine, have the ice (01:17:18) cream. Fine, let me change my rule. I (01:17:19) just want to make this go away. And (01:17:21) we're in this horrible cycle. We're less (01:17:23) tolerant, they're less tolerant, more (01:17:25) bad behavior, more shutting down and (01:17:26) avoidance, more bad behavior, off in a (01:17:28) bad direction. And it's one of the (01:17:30) reasons why helping adults and kids (01:17:34) increase what I call frustration (01:17:36) tolerance, like my work around (01:17:37) frustration tolerance, it's handinhand (01:17:39) with resilience. There is nothing more (01:17:41) important in this day and age than (01:17:43) teaching your kid frustration (01:17:45) tolerance, which also means (01:17:49) we have to increase our own frustration (01:17:52) tolerance to help our kids do the same. (01:17:55) When we think about our kid bad (01:17:56) behavior, like my kid doesn't wait, they (01:17:57) interrupt me all the time. Well, our (01:17:59) kids have less waiting built into their (01:18:01) lives. They do. They're not waiting for (01:18:03) a movie. They're watching five minutes (01:18:05) of a movie, maybe just a show, and (01:18:06) they're like, "Nope, don't like this. (01:18:08) Next, next, next, next, next." And so, (01:18:10) we actually have to make sure with our (01:18:12) kids, like I've actually said to my kid, (01:18:15) I'm going to teach you waiting. It's a (01:18:17) thing. It's a thing. It's still real. (01:18:19) I'm going to make sure we learn it. And (01:18:20) it is one of these reasons on the (01:18:22) margin, right? I live in Manhattan and I (01:18:25) might think, "Oh, I'm going to jump in a (01:18:26) cab." You know what? I'm going to carve (01:18:29) out more time and I'm going to go wait (01:18:30) for the bus. Not just cuz it saves (01:18:32) money, which I like, but because my kid (01:18:35) actually needs more moments than I did (01:18:37) based on my childhood to wait to (01:18:41) literally learn how to wait and practice (01:18:43) doing that. (01:18:46) >> Chapter 4, Rupture, Repair, and Deeply (01:18:49) Feeling Kids. (01:18:51) Rupture is a moment in a relationship (01:18:54) when there's a disconnection. When trust (01:18:56) is broken, when something felt scary, (01:18:59) but really when two people who are in a (01:19:02) close relationship have disconnection. (01:19:05) Rupture between a parent and a kid could (01:19:07) look like you as a parent yell at your (01:19:09) kid. You snap. You say you're a spoiled (01:19:11) brat. You use a scary tone. Why don't (01:19:14) you ever listen to me? That's the (01:19:15) rupture moment. I think we all know them (01:19:17) and we all have them. That's really (01:19:19) important. No parent is perfect and (01:19:21) avoids rupture. Rupture is part of every (01:19:25) even loving relationship. Repair is when (01:19:28) you reconnect following a rupture. And (01:19:31) that often involves taking (01:19:33) responsibility for your part, (01:19:35) acknowledging what it might have been (01:19:37) like for the other person and talking (01:19:39) about what you want to do differently (01:19:41) the next time. Now, I think it's (01:19:43) powerful to think about the difference (01:19:44) between a repair and kind of just an (01:19:47) apology. So many times an apology (01:19:51) doesn't feel good to you because it (01:19:53) actually looks to shut a conversation (01:19:55) down. Something like this. I'm sorry I (01:19:57) yelled. Okay. I'm sorry I yelled. We're (01:19:59) all right. I'm sorry I yelled. You (01:20:01) forgive me. Right? It's either something (01:20:03) I'm looking to get from someone. We're (01:20:06) okay. Right? Or it's a quick (01:20:08) conversation ender. I'm sorry. Can we (01:20:10) move on? (01:20:12) That doesn't help someone and it doesn't (01:20:14) reconnect. A good repair actually opens (01:20:18) up a conversation. (01:20:20) So the steps might be I name what (01:20:22) happened. I take responsibility. (01:20:25) Maybe I acknowledge what it might have (01:20:27) been like for someone. And I talk about (01:20:29) what I might do differently the next (01:20:30) time. Sounds like a lot of steps, but it (01:20:32) can be really short. Hey, I yelled at (01:20:34) you earlier in the kitchen. I'm really (01:20:35) sorry. (01:20:36) I was feeling really frustrated and that (01:20:39) came out as a yell. And I'm sure that (01:20:41) felt scary to you. I'm going to work on (01:20:43) staying calmer even when I'm frustrated. (01:20:45) You can also shorten that. Just (01:20:47) something simple like, "I'm sorry I (01:20:49) yelled at you earlier in the kitchen. (01:20:51) That wasn't okay." What I'm doing there (01:20:54) is I'm going back to that moment of (01:20:55) rupture and I'm taking responsibility (01:20:57) for my part. I'm also in the nature of (01:21:01) how I'm communicating, not just looking (01:21:04) to move on. I might even add after if (01:21:07) you want to talk to me about it, I'm (01:21:09) open. If you want to tell me how that (01:21:11) felt for you, you can. If there's some (01:21:14) way that we could have handled it (01:21:16) differently, I'm open to hearing that. (01:21:19) And what I'm really doing then is (01:21:21) instead of that rupture moment being (01:21:22) this disconnection, (01:21:24) I know that happened. I'm not perfect. (01:21:27) I'm a human, not a robot. But what I can (01:21:29) control is the after. I can go back and (01:21:33) offer a very different experience that (01:21:36) kind of surrounds the rupture moment. (01:21:38) And that actually really changes the way (01:21:41) even the original rupture gets (01:21:43) remembered in our relationship. We know (01:21:46) that memory is not only remembering the (01:21:51) original event but remembering every (01:21:54) other time you've remembered that event. (01:21:57) So if you think about the event as I (01:21:59) don't know a circle or a pebble in (01:22:01) between yes that starts out of memory. (01:22:05) But whether I then say even with a hard (01:22:07) memory and then I talked about it with (01:22:10) my mom and then I had a guidance (01:22:12) counselor at school who helped me (01:22:14) understand it in a new way. Now all of a (01:22:16) sudden I have these layers around that (01:22:18) pebble and the memory the next time I (01:22:20) talk about it isn't simply the thing in (01:22:23) the center. It's all of the other things (01:22:25) around it. which speaks to the immense (01:22:28) power of repair and why I do think about (01:22:32) repair as being similar to being a (01:22:34) parent magician. So, here's what I mean. (01:22:36) I've yelled at my kids. I still yell at (01:22:38) my kids. I think that's so important. I (01:22:40) say always, I never want to be on a (01:22:41) pedestal. Okay? My kids don't have Dr. (01:22:43) Becky as a mom. They have Becky. And I'm (01:22:46) doing my best. And I try to yell less (01:22:48) and I try to repair a lot more. I think (01:22:50) that's as good as it gets for everyone. (01:22:52) So, let's say there's a moment, and I (01:22:54) talked about this in my repair TED talk. (01:22:56) This happened where it was one of those (01:22:58) days, really stressful day and my son (01:23:01) complained about dinner. It was (01:23:03) something like chicken again, (01:23:04) disgusting. And I had labored over (01:23:07) cooking dinner and I wasn't terribly (01:23:09) happy with it e either. But it was just (01:23:12) the accumulation of too much. And I (01:23:15) yelled. I think I called him a spoiled (01:23:17) brat or you don't appreciate me. My tone (01:23:19) was scary. And in that moment, if I'm (01:23:20) honest, kind of mom, the mom I love and (01:23:23) need, my sturdy leader became scary mom. (01:23:26) And so he ended up in his room and I'm (01:23:27) in the kitchen. And at first, yes, the (01:23:30) spiral starts. I'm a horrible parent, (01:23:32) right? Because I've collapsed my own (01:23:34) behavior and my identity. I've taken (01:23:35) this moment and I judge myself. I was (01:23:38) able to ground myself. And I think the (01:23:40) real secret about repair is you have to (01:23:41) repair with yourself first. I'm a good (01:23:44) parent who was having a hard time. That (01:23:46) moment didn't define me over and over. (01:23:49) Then I ended up going to my kid. But (01:23:50) before I tell you what I said, I want to (01:23:52) talk about why repair changes memory. (01:23:55) This event already happened. My kid has (01:23:57) this memory of this moment. My mom (01:23:59) yelled at me when I had a kind of mild (01:24:01) complaint about dinner. Okay. But if I (01:24:04) know memory is not just the event, it's (01:24:06) every other time I remembered the event. (01:24:10) What that means is when I go repair, (01:24:14) hey, I just screamed at you in the (01:24:17) kitchen. That wasn't okay. I'm sure that (01:24:20) felt scary and I'm really sorry. (01:24:23) My son's memory will forever change. Now (01:24:28) there's not just this, "Oh my goodness, (01:24:30) I got yelled at." There's I got yelled (01:24:32) at and wow, my mom came and took (01:24:36) responsibility for what she did and sat (01:24:38) with me on my bed and I wasn't alone and (01:24:40) we reconnected. When you repair with (01:24:43) your kid, and it doesn't just have to be (01:24:44) in the moment. Sometimes the magic of it (01:24:46) I think happens almost when we repair (01:24:48) for something longer ago. People say, (01:24:49) "Is it too late to repair?" No, you can (01:24:52) always say to your kid, even something (01:24:55) general, there were a lot of times when (01:24:57) you were younger, (01:24:59) when you were having a hard time, I just (01:25:02) sent you to your room and took away (01:25:03) things you liked. And I'm just thinking, (01:25:07) I've learned something new recently. And (01:25:10) I look back on that and I am sure that (01:25:13) felt really bad and unfair to you and I (01:25:17) understand that (01:25:20) and I'm sorry and I want to do things a (01:25:23) little differently. I'm not going to be (01:25:24) perfect, but I want to do things (01:25:25) differently from now on. Now, to be (01:25:28) clear, very few kids get that and say, (01:25:31) "That was a really meaningful relational (01:25:33) experience, Dad. Thank you. That has (01:25:35) never happened." Okay, your kid might (01:25:37) look like, "What? Okay, can I have (01:25:39) pretzels? That doesn't mean it doesn't (01:25:41) matter. You actually are changing your (01:25:44) kid's memory because the memory of what (01:25:46) happened, even if they're not thinking (01:25:47) about it all the time up here, it (01:25:49) already is stored in their body. We (01:25:50) can't change that and that's okay. But (01:25:52) we can layer on top of it. And too many (01:25:54) times we focus so much on the event (01:25:57) instead of the power we have after the (01:25:58) event. Oh, yelling messed up my kid. (01:26:01) Now, I don't like the term messed up my (01:26:02) kid. It's too final. But if I use that (01:26:04) language, I'd say to a parent, (01:26:05) "Yelling's not messing up your kid." not (01:26:08) repairing after yelling. That's what's (01:26:09) messing up your kid. But that's good (01:26:11) news because you can still repair. So, (01:26:13) let's learn that skill and start to do (01:26:16) it. One of the things that was happening (01:26:17) in my private practice as I was (01:26:19) developing these ideas is I was seeing (01:26:21) so many parents for parenting work. And (01:26:24) there were a subset of parents who were (01:26:26) telling me, "My kid has these huge (01:26:28) tantrums. Dr. Becky, it's not what (01:26:30) you've ever seen before. Animalistic, (01:26:32) hissing, growling, scratching me. I've (01:26:36) seen other kids. They don't have (01:26:37) tantrums like this and my kid takes (01:26:39) longer to calm down and and they blame (01:26:41) me for things I never did. Why did you (01:26:43) trip me? And I'm thinking, you just (01:26:45) tripped on the sidewalk. Like, sorry if (01:26:46) you're embarrassed, but I wasn't even (01:26:48) touching you. All these things. And then (01:26:49) they'd say to me this, and I'm doing the (01:26:52) things you told me to do, but your (01:26:55) strategies are making things worse. (01:26:57) Okay, I'm ashamed to say this, but I (01:26:59) feel like leading with the truth is (01:27:00) important. My first thought in these (01:27:02) sessions was often, I just don't think (01:27:05) you're doing it right. Like, I don't (01:27:06) know if you're doing it the way I would (01:27:08) do it, but like, okay, I love a problem (01:27:11) and I love to be creative. And so, how (01:27:14) about we try this or how about we try (01:27:15) this? And then we started to make a lot (01:27:17) of progress. And I didn't quite (01:27:19) understand exactly why, but started to (01:27:21) catch on with this kind of subset of (01:27:23) like very, very intense emotional kids (01:27:26) who would kind of push parents away in (01:27:28) the moment they kind of needed parents (01:27:30) the most. this kind of unproductive (01:27:32) dance. Then I had my second kid. I was (01:27:36) like, "Oh, (01:27:38) oh, okay. I understand all of these (01:27:41) parents because I know I'm saying things (01:27:43) and doing things the exact same way I (01:27:45) was at my first." But when I validate my (01:27:47) kids feelings, oh, you're so sad. This (01:27:50) is what I get IN RESPONSE. STOP TALKING (01:27:51) TO ME. And a part of me is like, wait, (01:27:54) this is this is supposed to help. This (01:27:56) helped other kid. And then I would see (01:28:00) these animalistic meltdowns. It's kind (01:28:02) of the only way like the 0 to 60. (01:28:06) It was so intense and the calming down (01:28:10) would take so much longer. And I just (01:28:12) remember thinking, "Oh my goodness, I (01:28:13) have to call all these parents and say, (01:28:15) "Okay, I am so with you." And so I had (01:28:18) this kid in my house and then I was (01:28:19) seeing so many of these families cuz I (01:28:22) think once I started to develop this (01:28:23) other approach and we had all this (01:28:24) success like all these referrals came in (01:28:27) and I really saw that there's this group (01:28:29) of kids I call them deeply failing kids (01:28:31) who really are kind of operating (01:28:34) differently in the world. And I think (01:28:36) the core thing I realized about them is (01:28:38) these are kids who are more porous to (01:28:40) the world. And if you think about what (01:28:42) that means, if you think about the pores (01:28:44) on your skin and each one being bigger, (01:28:46) that would profoundly impact your (01:28:48) experience in the world, more would (01:28:50) actually come in from your environment, (01:28:52) which means you would get overwhelmed (01:28:54) more easily or more quickly, right? And (01:28:58) also in the moments when it all came (01:29:00) out, because you were more porous, more (01:29:02) would come out. It would be almost (01:29:04) violent and intense. And their tantrums (01:29:07) and meltdowns and protests really are (01:29:09) more intense. And parents need to know (01:29:11) you're not making it up. The other thing (01:29:14) I realized about these kids is unlike (01:29:17) non DFKs, when non deeply feeling kids (01:29:21) are vulnerable, they trip and fall. They (01:29:24) feel sad because you're leaving and (01:29:27) someone else has to put them to bed, (01:29:29) they really take in comfort. They don't (01:29:32) get calm right away, but they want to be (01:29:35) comforted. deeply feeling kids, and this (01:29:38) is so important, when they feel (01:29:39) vulnerable, they simultaneously feel (01:29:42) shame. And shame makes feelings (01:29:45) explosive. (01:29:47) Which is why when deeply feeling kids (01:29:50) trip or mispronounce a word, or even (01:29:53) when they internally just feel like, (01:29:54) "I'm going to miss my dad when he's on a (01:29:56) business trip." (01:29:58) because they feel things so intensely (01:30:00) and they're so acutely aware of their (01:30:03) intense emotions, they start to think, (01:30:05) I'm a really intensely feeling person (01:30:08) and I get overwhelmed so easily and I so (01:30:10) need the adults around me. But the (01:30:12) things that overwhelm me, I'm worried (01:30:14) are going to overwhelm them and so I (01:30:16) can't really ask them for help because (01:30:18) then I'm going to kind of lose the very (01:30:19) person that I need. And you can imagine (01:30:21) this is such a conflictual ex existence. (01:30:23) And if people are thinking, "You think (01:30:25) that's what's happening for my (01:30:26) three-year-old?" 100%. (01:30:29) And so when they miss you, when they're (01:30:32) embarrassed, they explode with anger and (01:30:35) kind of push people away. These are the (01:30:37) kids when they're having these massive (01:30:38) tantrums and they are so out of control, (01:30:40) they get out of my room. But you're kind (01:30:44) of thinking like really, like you're not (01:30:46) really in a good place to make that (01:30:47) decision. And then sometimes we take the (01:30:49) bait and we leave and we say, "Fine, I'm (01:30:51) just trying to help." And as soon as we (01:30:53) close the door, essentially what a DFK (01:30:56) thinks is, "See, I knew it. (01:30:59) I really am as bad and overwhelming to (01:31:02) others and toxic and too much as I (01:31:06) worried I was, and they're off to the (01:31:09) races in a bad way. I have come to be (01:31:15) obsessed with these kids. I think they (01:31:17) are the most misunderstood kids and (01:31:19) unfortunately I have to say even in the (01:31:21) clinical world too often these kids are (01:31:22) labeled as oppositional defiant and (01:31:25) parents are told every parent who ever (01:31:27) has done our whole deeply feeling kid (01:31:28) program tells me yeah I've always told (01:31:31) you're not being harsh enough you're not (01:31:32) being consistent enough with timeouts (01:31:34) all that does especially for DFKs is (01:31:36) confirm their biggest fear I am too much (01:31:40) too bad for others and only makes them (01:31:43) even more vulnerable to all the bad (01:31:44) behavior we're looking to shift away (01:31:46) from. Now, this doesn't mean those kids (01:31:49) need a party when they're exploding. No. (01:31:52) But I've developed this way of (01:31:54) understanding those kids and and (01:31:55) something I call a side door strategy. (01:31:57) See, when typical kids, not typical, but (01:31:59) when non-defailing kids are upset, you (01:32:01) kind of picture them in their house and (01:32:03) you can kind of go up to their front (01:32:04) door and you're like, "Hey, I'm here to (01:32:05) support you." And they kind of respond (01:32:07) like, "Sure, come on in. Hey, it was so (01:32:10) hard when your brother said you couldn't (01:32:12) play with him and his friend, right?" (01:32:13) And a little bit a non-deley feeling kid (01:32:15) will go (01:32:18) right and you kind of know you have that (01:32:19) moment. You say that to a deeply feeling (01:32:22) kid and they do they slam the door in (01:32:24) your face. GET OUT OF MY ROOM. STOP (01:32:26) talking about feelings. But we (01:32:29) misconstrue that as them not wanting our (01:32:32) support. It's just too direct. It's like (01:32:34) almost too close. And so I've developed (01:32:36) this way of understanding we have to go (01:32:37) around to the side. And what are you (01:32:39) going around? You have to go around (01:32:41) their shame, which is actually their (01:32:42) fear that all their big feelings will (01:32:44) lead to disconnection. So, just as one (01:32:46) example of that, it might sound like (01:32:48) this. Look, I'm going to say something (01:32:51) and I don't know if it's true, it (01:32:53) probably won't be, but if I say (01:32:55) something and you agree with it, give me (01:32:57) a thumbs up. If you kind of agree, but (01:32:59) kind of think it's wrong, give me a (01:33:00) thumb to the side. And if I say (01:33:02) something that's totally wrong, give me (01:33:04) a thumbs down. Now, pro tip. When you do (01:33:05) this for a DFK and you know you have a (01:33:07) DFK when this hits, first say something (01:33:09) that they're going to reject. Why? (01:33:11) Deeply feeling kids based on their (01:33:12) fears, they need to titrate closeness. (01:33:14) They kind of need to push you away a (01:33:15) little before you they take you in. So (01:33:18) you might say first, I think you're (01:33:20) upset earlier because I promised you I (01:33:23) would take you to the moon and the space (01:33:25) shuttle just wasn't ready. Maybe I'd say (01:33:26) that to a kid who loves space and my (01:33:28) kid's going to go like this from their (01:33:29) bed. (01:33:31) No. And inside you'll think, "Oh, I'm so (01:33:34) winning." Because then you can say (01:33:35) something like this. This is an exact (01:33:37) example that a family shared with me. (01:33:38) They did this and the second thing they (01:33:40) said was, "I think it's really hard when (01:33:42) you're playing with your brother and his (01:33:43) friend and you're included and then all (01:33:46) of a sudden they want some alone time." (01:33:49) And this family told me the kid (01:33:54) gave a thumb to the side with for a DFK (01:33:56) is like as good as it gets in the (01:33:57) beginning. (01:34:00) And the parent told me I was just so (01:34:02) happy. It was like the first connection (01:34:04) we'd had in a while and I just kind of (01:34:07) didn't say anything. I was like frozen (01:34:09) in shock and the kid goes, "Ask me (01:34:11) another question." (01:34:13) Deeply feeling kids get so overwhelmed (01:34:17) and struggle to understand themselves. (01:34:20) And truly, one of the worst things for a (01:34:22) kid is to be ununderstandable. (01:34:26) And too often for DFKs, because we think (01:34:28) we have to lead with harshness or be (01:34:30) more consistent with punishments, they (01:34:33) actually get worse and worse because (01:34:34) they feel so ununderstandable. It's the (01:34:37) worst feeling for a kid. Nobody (01:34:39) understands me. It's almost like, am I (01:34:40) even real? Who am I? All kids need to (01:34:45) feel understood. I think it's harder (01:34:47) with deeply feeling kids because (01:34:49) traditional methods of trying to (01:34:50) understand your kid, they do reject. And (01:34:52) then we can take that very personally. (01:34:54) We feel like, "Hey, I'm trying my (01:34:55) hardest and you're stopping me from (01:34:57) feeling like a good parent." But what's (01:34:59) important to know is after kids act out, (01:35:01) after that hitting and that anim (01:35:02) animalistic tantrum, or after your kid (01:35:05) says something awful to you and they're (01:35:08) alone in their room, it's just so (01:35:10) important to imagine that that kid is (01:35:12) actually so overwhelmed and frightened (01:35:15) because they're alone. Now, that doesn't (01:35:17) mean we should run to our kid right (01:35:19) away. We might need to regulate oursel (01:35:20) first. And connection can mean a lot of (01:35:23) things, but finding a way to be close to (01:35:28) your kid again, to even remember in your (01:35:30) head, wait, I don't have a bad kid. I (01:35:33) have a good kid who is having a hard (01:35:35) time. Finding your kid later and saying, (01:35:38) look, I know we all have moments when we (01:35:40) do things we're not proud of. I love (01:35:41) you. Nothing you could ever do would (01:35:43) change that I love you. That is so, so (01:35:46) important. And so that moment and (01:35:48) there's so many other ways you can kind (01:35:50) of go around the shame. The dynamic with (01:35:52) these kids completely change and they (01:35:54) become much more able to manage their (01:35:56) emotions and actually they get to tap (01:35:59) into all the amazing parts about being a (01:36:01) DFK. They are these intensely feeling (01:36:04) people which when you get around the bad (01:36:06) behavior and the shame, you see their (01:36:07) intense joy and they're so funny and (01:36:10) they're leaders and they're so self (01:36:13) assured and so deeply feeling kids are (01:36:16) kind of my passion project within the (01:36:18) passion project that is good inside. Um, (01:36:20) and I'm just excited for more people to (01:36:23) think about their kids or maybe even (01:36:24) themselves in that framework. (01:36:29) Chapter 5, four habits that build (01:36:31) emotional strength. (01:36:33) >> I think about four daily habits that (01:36:36) really, really compound in a beautiful (01:36:38) way over time in terms of parenting your (01:36:40) kid. And I'm going to go over all four. (01:36:42) You don't have to do all four every day, (01:36:43) but it kind of gives you a little menu. (01:36:45) Number one is taking care of yourself. (01:36:50) That is a really important part of being (01:36:52) a sturdy leader. If you think about the (01:36:53) sturdiest pilot, they would never say, (01:36:55) "I love piloting my passengers so much (01:36:58) that I have piloted for 30 straight (01:37:01) days. And I haven't even had a moment to (01:37:03) myself, I'm sorry, I'm getting off that (01:37:04) plane. I am not letting that pilot fly (01:37:07) me. In fact, there are laws to mandate (01:37:09) that pilots get rest." As parents, we (01:37:13) have to think about that ourselves. (01:37:15) Self-care is not selfish. Self-care is (01:37:19) self- sustaining. (01:37:21) And kids don't need martyrs. They need (01:37:24) sturdy leaders. And that means parents (01:37:27) have to take care of themselves. So the (01:37:29) practice of taking care of yourself (01:37:32) should be a daily habit. And that (01:37:35) doesn't mean, oh, I'm going to Paris for (01:37:37) 6 months. I'm taking care of myself. I (01:37:39) mean, if that's something that you're (01:37:40) able to do and it works for the family, (01:37:42) for most of us, what that means is I'm (01:37:45) going to sit down and drink my coffee (01:37:46) while it's hot. I'm going to make my own (01:37:48) breakfast. I'm going to have some water. (01:37:50) I'm gonna carve out time where I'm still (01:37:52) instead of running around all the time. (01:37:54) I'm gonna go to bed early. I'm gonna (01:37:56) work out. I'm gonna see a friend. That's (01:37:58) an important daily habit. Number two, (01:38:01) connecting with your kid. The thing that (01:38:03) really compounds over time with your kid (01:38:05) is connection. I love strategies and (01:38:09) scripts and little hacks here and there, (01:38:11) but the truth is the only strategy you (01:38:13) really have with your kid when they get (01:38:14) older is connection. And this is one of (01:38:17) my biggest issues also with timeouts and (01:38:19) sticker charts. I've seen too many (01:38:21) families where there's a 16-year-old who (01:38:24) stops going to school. They're like, (01:38:26) "You can't make me." Or they're doing (01:38:29) really, really dangerous things. And (01:38:30) they never quite say this, but they kind (01:38:33) of do through their behavior. (01:38:35) I'm too big to put in a timeout. (01:38:38) And I don't give a fill in the blank (01:38:43) about stickers. and you have spent 16 (01:38:46) years not connecting to me or getting to (01:38:48) know me and there's really nothing (01:38:49) between us and that's terrifying. (01:38:53) The only thing that makes a 16-year-old (01:38:56) listen to your rule about a curfew or (01:38:59) tell you about something pretty messy (01:39:02) that they need help with at school or (01:39:05) with friends is that they feel connected (01:39:07) with you. And it's never too late to (01:39:10) build connection, but connection (01:39:12) compounds. The work we put in when our (01:39:14) kids are younger, to talk to them about (01:39:16) hard things, to understand that they're (01:39:18) upset about something that wouldn't (01:39:20) upset us, that compounds in a massive (01:39:24) way when our kids are older and (01:39:26) connection is really the only thing (01:39:28) between us. Number three is seeing hard (01:39:32) feelings as something we want to help (01:39:34) our kids sit with, not fix. Feelings are (01:39:38) not for fixing. And if we want to have (01:39:40) kids that are really resilient and not (01:39:43) fragile and not entitled, we have to (01:39:47) make sure our kids are learning how to (01:39:49) sit with hard feelings rather than (01:39:51) looking to us as the fixer or the exit (01:39:55) of hard feelings. (01:39:58) I didn't make the soccer team. Now, (01:40:01) sure, maybe there's a time to think, is (01:40:03) there a soccer team in another town? But (01:40:05) not first. Oh, that stinks. (01:40:09) Sit with disappointment rather than an (01:40:11) immediate exit. (01:40:13) I'm the only one in my class who can't (01:40:15) read. (01:40:18) I'm so glad you're telling me about (01:40:19) that. Tell me more. What happened in (01:40:21) class today? Rather than that can't be (01:40:24) true. Well, at least you're good at (01:40:25) chess. Whatever we say to lift our kids (01:40:27) out of the feelings. Becoming resilient (01:40:30) by the time you're an adult compounds (01:40:32) from seeing that you can cope with hard (01:40:34) feelings and hard situations, not (01:40:37) entirely avoid them. And the fourth (01:40:39) habit is repair. I actually tell parents (01:40:42) all the time, if you're going to get (01:40:44) really good, really good at something in (01:40:46) parenting, get really good at repair. If (01:40:49) you back into that, it's almost overt (01:40:51) permission to mess up because you (01:40:54) actually can't repair if there's not a (01:40:55) rupture. So, the only way to get good at (01:40:57) repair is to have a moment that you (01:40:59) didn't feel good about. And so, I hope (01:41:01) you can use that with levity, like, (01:41:03) wait, I'm trying to get good at repair. (01:41:04) Step one is maybe yelling at my kid, (01:41:06) okay, check. I did the first step, you (01:41:08) know, and they always say the first step (01:41:09) is the hardest step, so I guess I'm just (01:41:11) well on my way, and now I get to (01:41:12) practice repair. I'm doing the daily (01:41:15) habit of repair. Repair matters so much. (01:41:18) So self-care, connection, helping kids (01:41:22) tolerate hard feelings, not exit from (01:41:25) them, and repair. Those are the four (01:41:27) habits that really, really compound over (01:41:29) time. Taking a hard moment and kind of (01:41:33) forming the sentence, I'm a good person (01:41:36) who is life-changing. I'm a good person (01:41:39) who yelled at my kid. I'm a good person (01:41:42) who's been late to work a lot. I'm a (01:41:44) good person who struggles to be honest (01:41:46) about my feelings in relationships. So (01:41:50) often our hardest moments come because (01:41:52) we just judge oursel again. We collapse (01:41:54) behavior and identity. And a quick (01:41:56) little cheat to separate identity and (01:41:59) behavior is actually just to have the (01:42:01) sentence starter. I'm a good person who (01:42:04) that establishes to yourself right I'm (01:42:07) good inside. (01:42:09) And that in of itself is kind of (01:42:11) healing. And then you can name the (01:42:13) behavior that you want to get curious (01:42:15) about, that you want to build skills (01:42:16) around. And I promise you that sentence (01:42:18) structure sets you up for so much more (01:42:20) positive change as opposed to this (01:42:23) always self-critical, self-laming, (01:42:26) negative to self cycle a lot of us can (01:42:29) tend to be in.