DON’T Have Kids Until You’ve Watched THIS! (YouTube Video Transcript)

(00:00:00) Your YouTube transcript will appear here (00:00:00) Could it have worked if your husband (00:00:02) stayed home instead of you in your view? (00:00:04) Because I'm trying to understand if (00:00:06) you're saying that dads don't need to be (00:00:07) as there present as much as the mother. (00:00:11) They have to be there in a different way (00:00:14) in the early days. Men don't breastfeed. (00:00:17) So that's the first thing. Unless you (00:00:18) can show me a man who has grown breasts (00:00:21) and can actually breastfeed. Maybe it's (00:00:23) coming. I don't know. But for now, um, (00:00:27) women's bodies connect them to their (00:00:30) babies. They connect them through birth. (00:00:32) They connect them through breastfeeding. (00:00:34) There is a physical component and a (00:00:37) hormonal component to infancy and (00:00:39) motherhood. And there really is a (00:00:41) difference in the way that mothers (00:00:44) respond to babies and fathers respond to (00:00:46) babies. Now, when do fathers become (00:00:50) really important? It's not that the (00:00:52) father isn't important to give the (00:00:54) mother a break or to bond with the baby (00:00:57) or to bathe the baby, but what that baby (00:01:00) needs is that attachment security to (00:01:03) that primary attachment figure. So the (00:01:06) mother, usually the mother, sometimes (00:01:07) it's the father, but usually the mother. (00:01:10) Fathers with their playful, tactile (00:01:12) stimulation, (00:01:13) they become really important when (00:01:15) children become mobile. When children (00:01:18) start to crawl and toddle, when they're (00:01:21) around 18 months to two years old, (00:01:25) fathers become incredibly exciting and (00:01:28) they're really important. So when (00:01:30) fathers aren't around in those days, um (00:01:32) when children are starting to explore (00:01:34) the world, those children have a harder (00:01:37) time separating from mothers. So it's (00:01:39) really important to have what we say the (00:01:41) yin and the yang. What we are doing now (00:01:44) is we are um not prioritizing attachment (00:01:48) security which is the foundation for (00:01:51) then healthy separation. And when (00:01:53) healthy separation starts, fathers are (00:01:56) critical. When you have another child, a (00:01:59) second child, fathers are critical (00:02:01) because fathers seduce the older child. (00:02:04) They say, "Come on, let's go out and (00:02:05) play. Let's go kick the soccer ball. (00:02:07) Let's go to the swing set." And they (00:02:09) give a space to the mother with the next (00:02:11) baby. They help the older children to (00:02:14) grow up. Earlier on, you mentioned a (00:02:16) study that I read about when I was (00:02:18) studying psychology once upon a time, (00:02:19) which is the Reese's the Recess Monkeys (00:02:22) study with the wire mother. For anybody (00:02:24) that's never heard about that study, I (00:02:25) think it's quite important to understand (00:02:26) the profound impact that touch and um (00:02:30) Well, that was an attachment study. (00:02:32) Yeah. What was it what's the what's (00:02:33) touch called from in a in the science (00:02:35) world? Skinto skin. Skin-to-skin. (00:02:38) Can you give me an overview of that (00:02:40) study and what it showed for people that (00:02:41) aren't aware of it? Well, they took (00:02:44) these baby reesus monkeys and they they (00:02:46) let some be with the mothers and the (00:02:49) mothers nurtured those babies and those (00:02:51) babies became healthily attached and (00:02:54) secure and those were the healthy (00:02:56) emotionally healthy babies. Then they (00:02:59) gave um another subset of monkeys um a (00:03:04) wire mother covered with a piece of (00:03:08) cloth or fur or something. And those (00:03:11) babies became very neurotic, but at (00:03:13) least they were clinging. They became (00:03:15) like the ambivalent attachment babies (00:03:17) because there was no response from the (00:03:19) mother, but at least they were holding (00:03:20) on to this mother. And then they gave (00:03:23) and these babies became very neurotic. (00:03:25) And then they gave the subset of babies (00:03:27) nothing (00:03:29) and those babies literally lost their (00:03:32) minds. (00:03:33) And um I mean there are other studies (00:03:36) which are more recent than that. That's (00:03:38) quite an old study. There there is a (00:03:40) researcher named Michael Meanie. He did (00:03:42) a study on licking and grooming. Animals (00:03:44) who lick and groom their young meaning (00:03:46) are nurturing skin-to-skin. Lick and (00:03:48) groom. Uh in human terms that would be (00:03:51) holding, touching, loving, skin-to-skin. (00:03:54) Those uh if if a mother licked and (00:03:57) groomed her young, (00:03:59) that baby would become more resilient to (00:04:02) stress in the future. The babies who (00:04:05) were not licked and groomed by their (00:04:06) mothers become became less resilient to (00:04:09) stress in the future. In addition, the (00:04:12) babies who were more resilient to stress (00:04:15) because their mothers had licked and (00:04:16) groomed them passed down generationally (00:04:19) the ability to lick and groom the next (00:04:21) generation. (00:04:22) What happened to the babies who weren't (00:04:24) licked and groomed? Guess what happened? (00:04:27) They didn't pass it down, right? And (00:04:29) that's what's happening to humans today. (00:04:33) If we don't lick and groom our babies, I (00:04:35) mean, you know, take it for whatever. (00:04:37) Um, if we don't lick and groom our (00:04:40) babies, it we don't pass on resilience (00:04:43) to stress and adversity, but we also (00:04:45) don't pass on the desire to lick and (00:04:47) groom your to have babies. your story. (00:04:50) Going back to your story which we were (00:04:51) talking about, are there any areas of (00:04:53) privilege that you need to acknowledge (00:04:55) that someone else listening to this now (00:04:57) goes, "Yeah, but that's all right for (00:04:58) you." Because, you know, maybe someone (00:05:00) who didn't have a partner there or (00:05:03) someone who is in a (00:05:07) difficult economic situ extremely (00:05:10) difficult economic situation living in (00:05:13) the projects in Harlem or something. I (00:05:16) really want to I'm saying this because (00:05:18) well it's not the mothers in the (00:05:20) projects in Harlem because I'll tell you (00:05:21) the mothers in the projects in Harlem (00:05:24) stay home with their babies. That's (00:05:25) what's interesting. Very poor people in (00:05:28) America. So let me just say I love (00:05:31) America. America sucks. And I'll tell (00:05:33) you why America sucks from my (00:05:35) perspective. And I say this (00:05:36) internationally. I go around the world (00:05:38) saying America sucks. And I'm going to (00:05:40) tell you why. Um, we are the only (00:05:43) country in the world other than Papa New (00:05:45) Guinea who does not have a paid parental (00:05:48) maternity leave. We do not have paid (00:05:50) maternity leave. (00:05:53) Nobody cares about children. They care (00:05:55) about the GDP and the bottom line. And (00:05:57) the people who are out there talking (00:05:59) about this stuff are economists saying (00:06:01) women have to work, work, work for the (00:06:04) economy. Nobody cares about children (00:06:06) because if we cared about children, our (00:06:09) tax money would be in paid leave, not (00:06:13) for three months, not for six months, (00:06:16) for at least a year. And Hungary, they (00:06:18) have three years. Slovenia, Slovakia, (00:06:21) um Estonia has three years. Hungary, I (00:06:23) think, has two years of paid leave. (00:06:26) Sweden, I have some issues with Sweden, (00:06:28) but Sweden has 14 months. Sweden after (00:06:31) 14 months, makes women go back to work (00:06:33) full full-time. and put them in (00:06:34) institutional care and all those babies (00:06:36) are breaking down. So 14 months isn't (00:06:39) even enough. So but if we could even get (00:06:42) to a civilized place of one year of paid (00:06:44) leave in this country and then the next (00:06:47) two years some way that parents could be (00:06:52) compleimemented so they could work (00:06:53) part-time, supplemented so they could (00:06:55) work part-time. Um you know I'm a I'm a (00:06:58) reasonable realistic person. And I know (00:07:01) this country is never going to go for (00:07:02) three years of paid leave, even though I (00:07:04) would love them to. I also know that (00:07:06) this country isn't going to go for an (00:07:08) entitlement called paid leave because (00:07:10) that's the kind of country we are. We (00:07:12) talk a big game, but we don't want to (00:07:13) put our money where our mouth is. There (00:07:16) is the possibility now that the (00:07:18) Republicans are in of a creative (00:07:21) solution which is potentially using (00:07:25) things like social security in advance (00:07:28) borrowing from your social security. So (00:07:30) I'm a mom and I say ah to stay home I (00:07:36) can borrow from my social security for a (00:07:38) year and then work a year or two longer (00:07:43) in my life. Wouldn't you say that most (00:07:45) women who wanted to stay home with their (00:07:48) babies would say, "I'll work longer so I (00:07:50) can stay home with my baby." There are (00:07:51) ways to creatively deal with it. Um, (00:07:54) from my perspective, this is what's (00:07:56) going on. People on the left will not (00:07:58) compromise. They'll only do an (00:08:01) entitlement called paid leave, but they (00:08:03) only are asking for it for 3 to six (00:08:05) months. After that, they want women back (00:08:07) in the workforce and institutional (00:08:09) daycare. So, I'm not on the left. Um, (00:08:12) people on the right talk a lot about (00:08:14) family. They're the party of the family (00:08:16) now, but they do not want tax dollars to (00:08:18) go into paid leave. They they don't like (00:08:20) the entitlements that already exist and (00:08:22) they don't want to add anymore. And so, (00:08:24) the only way they're going to give it to (00:08:25) women and men is if they put skin in the (00:08:29) game. Mhm. This is the country we live (00:08:32) in. Again, I'm a realist. I think in any (00:08:36) way that we can give families the choice (00:08:39) to care for their own children, (00:08:41) particularly in the early years, we will (00:08:44) create a population of healthier (00:08:46) children. How do we know that more paid (00:08:49) leave equals better children, less (00:08:52) strain on the healthare system in terms (00:08:54) of mental health, mortality, whatever it (00:08:55) might be? How do you make a statistical (00:08:57) or a science or researchbacked case that (00:09:00) if we had three years of paid leave in (00:09:03) the United States or in the UK or (00:09:04) Australia or Canada, wherever that the (00:09:07) it would be a net positive for society (00:09:09) outside of it just being an opinion? (00:09:11) Well, the research shows the (00:09:13) longitudinal attachment research shows (00:09:16) that children who are insecurely (00:09:17) attached at 12 months of age, 20 years (00:09:20) later, are insecurely 80% of them are (00:09:24) are insecurely attached. and suffer from (00:09:26) mental disorders. (00:09:28) That's what the longitudinal attachment (00:09:30) research says. So we now have decades of (00:09:35) basically children were followed from (00:09:38) when they were infants and the ones who (00:09:40) were securely attached 20 years later (00:09:42) are still securely attached and doing (00:09:43) great. And the ones who were insecurely (00:09:45) attached most still insecurely attached (00:09:48) and it's tied and correlated to all of (00:09:50) these mental illness conditions. Right? (00:09:52) So there's a lot of research to show (00:09:54) what attachment security does for (00:09:56) children in the long run. So you know, (00:10:00) you're asking a question about I mean I (00:10:03) suppose you could take your paid leave (00:10:05) and go play soccer in the park and go (00:10:09) play tennis and I don't know like play (00:10:11) cards with your friend. I mean you know (00:10:13) how can I say how people are going to (00:10:14) use their paid leave? But if your paid (00:10:16) leave is being used to be home with your (00:10:18) child then it's going to benefit your (00:10:20) child. So many of the the guests that I (00:10:22) speak to on this podcast, especially (00:10:24) those that become incredibly successful (00:10:27) um athletes, entrepreneurs, whoever, (00:10:30) they often have some form of neglect in (00:10:33) their past. Richard Williams, Serena and (00:10:35) Venus Williams father. He um he was very (00:10:39) intense with them from a very young age. (00:10:40) And he's raised two of the greatest (00:10:42) tennis players in history. Joe Jackson (00:10:44) was strict and not often controversial (00:10:45) with Michael who went on to become the (00:10:47) king of pop. L Woods who was Tiger (00:10:49) Wood's father was very um intense in his (00:10:53) coaching and mentoring style which led (00:10:54) him to become great and obviously (00:10:56) Beyonce is the other example I gave who (00:10:58) Matthew managed Matthew which is Matthew (00:11:01) and Tina who are parents to Beyonce (00:11:03) managed Destiny's child and Beyonce's (00:11:05) solo career meticulously shaping them (00:11:07) into a global superstar. So parents (00:11:08) think you know I want to raise kids that (00:11:12) are superstars. I want I want my kids to (00:11:14) be great. Okay. So, I'm going to say (00:11:16) right now, I don't recommend that as a (00:11:18) professional, okay? I'm just saying. So, (00:11:22) I can't comment on a lot of those people (00:11:24) because I could get in a lot of trouble (00:11:25) for commenting on a lot of those people. (00:11:27) But I will say that amongst those (00:11:29) people, there (00:11:32) is controversy, meaning (00:11:35) at least one of those parents, and I (00:11:36) don't know the history of the others, (00:11:38) was abusive. And so you could say that (00:11:41) narcissism is abusive to children. When (00:11:45) we project our needs and desires and (00:11:49) likes and who we are onto our children, (00:11:52) we're not letting them authentically be (00:11:54) themselves. The greatest gift you can (00:11:56) give your child is to see your child as (00:12:00) an authentic individual who is an (00:12:04) individual and themselves and not to see (00:12:07) them as a mini me. um when you start (00:12:11) architecting their life, there's a good (00:12:13) chance you're going to lose that child (00:12:15) emotionally at some point. They're (00:12:17) either going to hate you there. They may (00:12:20) be successful in their careers. They may (00:12:23) have terrible personal lives. They may (00:12:25) be narcissistic parents themselves. So, (00:12:29) I don't recommend that school of (00:12:31) thought. What I do recommend is if your (00:12:34) child shows promise in something that (00:12:36) they also seem to love and have a drive (00:12:40) to be good at, then you can support that (00:12:43) drive. Just make sure to keep yourself (00:12:46) in check along the way to make sure that (00:12:49) they are driving it, not you. If you (00:12:52) love the Driver CEO brand and you watch (00:12:53) this channel, please do me a huge favor. (00:12:56) Become part of the 15% of the viewers on (00:12:59) this channel that have hit the subscribe (00:13:00) button. It helps us tremendously and the (00:13:02) bigger the channel gets, the bigger the (00:13:04) guests.