The Power of Vulnerability in Fatherhood (YouTube Video Transcript)

(00:00:00) Your YouTube transcript will appear here (00:00:00) Parenting can be one of the most (00:00:01) rewarding journeys of our lifetime, but (00:00:03) at the same time, without a doubt, it (00:00:05) [music] is one of the most difficult. (00:00:08) And one of the reasons it's often most (00:00:10) difficult is that it can [music] be so (00:00:12) lonely and isolating. Today, I'm having (00:00:14) an amazing conversation with someone who (00:00:17) has changed what it means to be a modern (00:00:21) dad. Joe Gonzalez is a New York-based (00:00:23) father, media professional, and the (00:00:25) founder of Brooklyn Stroll Club, built (00:00:27) on the idea that dads also need (00:00:31) belonging and community. Every parent (00:00:33) needs a group to turn to for those (00:00:35) moments when you're panicking or need (00:00:36) support or can't put words to something (00:00:38) that you're going to that's real but (00:00:40) feels so confusing. And what he has done (00:00:43) through Brooklyn Stroll Club is nothing (00:00:45) less than remarkable. Joe and I unpack (00:00:48) what it really means to be a father, (00:00:50) what he hopes his kid says about him and (00:00:52) the type of father he is, surprising (00:00:55) things he's learned along the way, and (00:00:57) really the power of not feeling alone. (00:01:00) I'm Dr. Becky and this is Good Inside. (00:01:03) We'll be back right after this. (00:01:07) >> Hi Joe. (00:01:08) >> Hi. (00:01:09) >> So happy to have you here. (00:01:10) >> I'm so excited to be here. Thank you. (00:01:12) >> So, let's just jump right in. So, why (00:01:15) don't we start? Just tell me a little (00:01:16) bit about how you kind of came to this (00:01:21) world of fatherhood. What you noticed in (00:01:24) terms of maybe what's absent from it, (00:01:26) what it was really like and you didn't (00:01:28) expect and then what you did about it (00:01:30) because it's pretty remarkable. (00:01:31) >> Yeah. So, I became a dad almost about 2 (00:01:34) years ago now. Um, when I found out me (00:01:37) and my wife were having a kid, uh, I (00:01:40) just it completely changed me. I was (00:01:42) like, what am I going to do? We don't (00:01:44) have family here. So I think for us it (00:01:46) was like what are we going to do about (00:01:48) that? How are we going to create a (00:01:50) village for us? And I had been (00:01:52) documenting it online in Tik Tok and (00:01:54) just really kind of documenting how I (00:01:56) was experiencing what she was going (00:01:58) through as well and just kind of being (00:02:00) open and vulnerable about that. Then (00:02:02) when my son came I'm like okay this is a (00:02:05) lot to experience. You know I'm she's (00:02:08) going through healing. She's going (00:02:09) through so many different things as (00:02:10) well. And so for me I was like how do I (00:02:12) get community around? I need people who (00:02:15) understand this. Like, this is something (00:02:17) I've never experienced before. A lot of (00:02:19) my friends maybe didn't have kids, (00:02:21) aren't married, you know? So, I'm like, (00:02:23) put a put a call online and I'm like, (00:02:25) hey, where where do the dads hang out? (00:02:27) Like, I'm just like, I'm in Brooklyn. (00:02:29) There's got to be dads around here (00:02:30) somewhere. And kind of the consensus (00:02:32) was, we don't know, you do it. And or (00:02:34) there was like a Facebook group or (00:02:36) something that didn't really feel (00:02:38) inviting. So for me, I pretty much made (00:02:40) a call out to, hey, do you guys want to (00:02:44) meet up on a random Saturday and uh come (00:02:47) to find out like dads really were open (00:02:49) to that as well. So like 20 20 dads came (00:02:51) through. U my son was about 4 months old (00:02:54) and from there we've just started (00:02:55) building this community called Brooklyn (00:02:57) Stro Club and really didn't expect it to (00:03:00) grow how it has. But I think for me what (00:03:02) I found is just like community not only (00:03:05) is needed for me but for others as well. (00:03:07) >> Yeah. and just your one twoline (00:03:10) description of what Brooklyn Stroll Club (00:03:12) is or maybe what it is underneath what (00:03:15) people might see. Tell me a little bit (00:03:16) about that. (00:03:17) >> So, I would say Brooklyn Stroke Club, it (00:03:19) always changes as far as I'm changing as (00:03:21) well, but for right now, I would say (00:03:23) Brooklyn Stroke Club is a community for (00:03:24) dads to feel seen and supported while (00:03:27) giving a new voice to modern fatherhood. (00:03:30) >> Okay. There's so many things I want to (00:03:31) unpack from what you said because (00:03:35) you went online and kind of said like (00:03:37) where did the dads at? Like where did (00:03:38) the dads go? And it seems like is this (00:03:40) right? You got interest but no answer. (00:03:43) Like everyone's like there's no I don't (00:03:45) have an answer but I'm also kind of (00:03:47) asking that question. Is that what (00:03:48) happened? (00:03:48) >> Yeah. It was kind of like uh well I (00:03:50) don't know. Uh and it was a lot of moms (00:03:51) that were just like oh I mean maybe my (00:03:53) husband has done this or you know we (00:03:55) have this Facebook group. It wasn't it (00:03:57) didn't really point me anywhere that (00:03:58) felt like (00:03:59) >> where I belonged. You know what I'm (00:04:01) saying? (00:04:02) >> So, (00:04:02) >> do you think dads or let's even say dads (00:04:04) to be? Cuz it sounds like you were (00:04:05) thinking about this during the pregnancy (00:04:09) >> are are also aware like I have this need (00:04:11) for community. Was community always been (00:04:14) a big thing for you before fatherhood (00:04:16) and then the absence of it around this (00:04:17) new identity was obvious to you? (00:04:20) >> Yeah, I I so originally kind of my (00:04:22) background is I come from the church. So (00:04:25) the premise a lot of that is community (00:04:27) groups and some of those fall short (00:04:29) sometimes. You know when it comes to (00:04:30) faith you can kind of go back and forth (00:04:32) like I'm involved. I'm not I'm kind of (00:04:34) contemplating where I'm at in life. (00:04:37) >> But fatherhood I'm here forever. So I (00:04:40) think what I kind of got inspired was (00:04:42) like hey I really want to create a group (00:04:45) where I can evolve and grow in and that (00:04:48) doesn't kind of fall apart. You know (00:04:51) what I or I don't have to go back and (00:04:53) forth and and contemplate this like I'm (00:04:54) in I'm in fatherhood forever regardless. (00:04:56) So having a community that empowers that (00:04:59) was important to me. (00:05:00) >> Yeah. And look, I think moms and dads (00:05:02) are woefully under supported in general. (00:05:05) I know you and I have talked about that, (00:05:08) but but there probably is a lot more for (00:05:10) community for new moms. Are you in a new (00:05:12) mom's group and are you in this group (00:05:13) when you're pregnant and do you have (00:05:14) your text thread? And have you found (00:05:17) that that is something that moms have a (00:05:19) little bit more built into their life or (00:05:21) more optionality than than dads have (00:05:23) traditionally had? (00:05:24) >> Absolutely. I think moms really are (00:05:26) great at community, great at building (00:05:27) community, great at understanding what (00:05:29) their needs are, what they're expecting, (00:05:31) what they want in friendships. I think (00:05:34) women are way better at just building (00:05:36) strong connections with women. And I (00:05:39) think that's the kind of uh thing that (00:05:41) we've wrestled with or or struggled with (00:05:43) as men. Um there's some stats by my (00:05:45) friends at Mundo. Really? They have a (00:05:47) stat that's like 58 55% of men between (00:05:50) 25 to 40 uh have not one person that (00:05:54) they feel close to. So I think that (00:05:56) >> Wait, say that again. (00:05:57) >> So 50 50% of men between the ages of 25 (00:06:00) to 45 don't have one person they feel (00:06:03) close to. Which is interesting because (00:06:05) if you don't have somebody one as a (00:06:09) friend to you just by yourself, how can (00:06:12) that affect you when you become a father (00:06:15) and you're actually somebody's closest (00:06:17) friend, you know, or as a partner to (00:06:20) your to your to your partner, you know, (00:06:22) how how can that affect you and how can (00:06:24) that affect the way that you operate in (00:06:25) the world? And that's just something I (00:06:27) think we've answered or tried to figure (00:06:29) out as we create the community. (00:06:31) >> Yeah. You know, a a principle I think (00:06:33) about a lot, and it's just feeling loud (00:06:35) in my brain right now, is we can't (00:06:37) change the hard. We can change the (00:06:39) alone. (00:06:40) >> And the transition to parenthood is (00:06:43) really hard. (00:06:43) >> Yeah. (00:06:44) >> And I think sometimes we focus on trying (00:06:47) to change the hard. It's not that hard. (00:06:49) Or here's how to make it easier. But if (00:06:51) you think about not changing the hard, (00:06:52) if the hard just is the hard because (00:06:54) life has hard things. and instead you (00:06:57) focus on wait maybe the problem isn't (00:06:58) the hard it's just hard plus alone and (00:07:02) what if I actually focus on the alone (00:07:04) piece it's actually not to say it's so (00:07:06) easy to change but I actually think that (00:07:08) part is (00:07:09) >> we have a little bit more agency yeah in (00:07:11) changing that and that's exactly what (00:07:12) you created and transitioning to (00:07:14) becoming a father what if I just didn't (00:07:15) feel alone every Saturday what if I put (00:07:17) my baby in a stroller walked around with (00:07:19) other dads I don't know if it's probably (00:07:21) not structured conversations who knows (00:07:22) what we talk about but I'm literally no (00:07:25) longer are alone in this brand new (00:07:27) identity I'm taking on. (00:07:28) >> Yeah. Having a place where you can our (00:07:29) online community is where you can (00:07:31) actually just talk to daily and then (00:07:34) having a meet up monthly like yeah (00:07:35) that's not going to cure everything. (00:07:37) That's not going to cure your (00:07:38) loneliness. But that's creates the (00:07:40) conversation and starts a movement. So (00:07:43) for me I'm hitting dads on a Saturday (00:07:46) morning like hey it's I've been up since (00:07:47) 5. I need to hang out. I need to get (00:07:49) outside with somebody who else who else (00:07:51) is like feel feel feel feel feel feel (00:07:52) feel feel feel feel feel feel feel feel (00:07:52) feel feel feel feel feel feel feel feel (00:07:52) feel feel feel feel feel feel feel feel (00:07:52) feel feel feel feel feel feel feel feel (00:07:52) feel feel feel feel feel feel feel feel (00:07:52) feel feel feel feel feel feel feel feel (00:07:52) feel feel feel feel feel feel feeling (00:07:53) the same. Who is up? who is tired, too. (00:07:56) Um, to me, it feels like I'm not doing (00:07:58) it alone. Of course, I have my partner, (00:07:59) which is always the support for me, but (00:08:02) being able to have another dad to (00:08:03) experience, hey, your kids going through (00:08:05) this, my kids going through this. I feel (00:08:08) a little bit more less alone in that (00:08:10) element. (00:08:11) >> Yeah. And look, I I don't want to be shy (00:08:13) about naming this. The transition to (00:08:15) having a baby can be tricky sometimes in (00:08:17) a partnership. And sometimes you have a (00:08:20) little tiff or something's going on. (00:08:21) You're feeling distant. And actually (00:08:23) having someone to talk to about it helps (00:08:25) you vet, helps you feel understood, (00:08:27) maybe helps you develop a new (00:08:28) perspective to be more productive with (00:08:29) your partner. Our partner can't be the (00:08:31) only person we're talking to when we're (00:08:33) having a hard time with our partner, (00:08:35) right? It's too circular. (00:08:36) >> No, absolutely. There's dads in the (00:08:37) community that I look up to how they (00:08:39) handle things or I'm like, "Hey, I (00:08:41) actually wouldn't handle it that way." (00:08:42) And it helps me kind of regulate what (00:08:45) I'm doing and how I'm expressing myself (00:08:47) not only to my partner but also to my (00:08:49) child. So it's like, hey, I love the way (00:08:51) that you're talking to your wife or how (00:08:53) y'all experience this together and y'all (00:08:55) went through it together or you know (00:08:57) what, it's 100 there's we have meetups (00:08:59) with 100 dads. Not everybody handles (00:09:00) things well, but being able to regulate (00:09:02) those and understand where I want to (00:09:04) take things, where I want to kind of (00:09:06) leave things from other people and other (00:09:08) experiences is helpful. You know, I'm (00:09:11) curious what you think about this. I'm (00:09:12) not even sure of my own answer, but I'm (00:09:14) just going to put it out there. Do you (00:09:16) think most dads or most men when it (00:09:18) comes to something that's hard, have (00:09:21) they been socialized to think, I just (00:09:24) have to make this better or pretend this (00:09:26) isn't happening rather than maybe I (00:09:29) could talk to someone about this or (00:09:30) experience this with someone? (00:09:32) >> Yeah, I would say so. I think dad's (00:09:35) I think the male uh maybe stereotype is (00:09:39) just internalize a lot of those things. (00:09:41) Uh find the solution on your own. Um and (00:09:44) I think like that's been seen in society (00:09:46) and and been seen in how men kind of (00:09:49) operate maybe on isolation uh in (00:09:52) politics in general in government and (00:09:54) things like that. like when men get (00:09:56) power and and and have those things that (00:09:58) maybe aren't addressed, those I think (00:10:00) those kind of play out a little bit (00:10:02) differently, but your family needs you (00:10:05) in those elements. And so to be able to (00:10:06) like uh process those things, I think is (00:10:08) really important. (00:10:09) >> Yeah. What what was it like when you (00:10:12) became a dad? Like what what images come (00:10:14) to mind or feelings or thoughts? (00:10:15) >> Man, I think completely changed me. I (00:10:18) think what I when I first saw my son, I (00:10:20) had this amount immense responsibility (00:10:23) that made me feel like I'm the sole (00:10:26) responsibility. Of course, my wife was (00:10:27) there. She had this whole she had this (00:10:30) like tough process of giving birth. But, (00:10:32) you know, even in that moment of seeing (00:10:34) him, it's like she's healing. She's (00:10:36) trying to figure out get better. And I'm (00:10:38) like, okay, what am I doing now? And I (00:10:40) think that responsibility of can I (00:10:42) provide? Can I be there for him and (00:10:44) unlearn all the patterns that maybe I (00:10:47) learned in the past? Like what can I do (00:10:49) for him that's better? And I think a lot (00:10:51) of not only what can I do for him, but (00:10:53) also what can I do for myself and how (00:10:56) can I change the dynamic of maybe what (00:10:58) he's seen and what he's going to (00:11:00) experience kind of fell on me as well. (00:11:02) >> Yeah. You know, I read something you had (00:11:04) said in another interview. It makes me (00:11:06) think about what we're talking about (00:11:06) here that so much about fatherhood isn't (00:11:09) just about raising your kid. It's about (00:11:10) re- raising parts of yourself. (00:11:12) >> Yeah. I've been in a place where I (00:11:16) everything means more. How I respond to (00:11:18) him, how I respond to my wife, it (00:11:21) matters. And I think I've really been (00:11:23) trying to take those moments one at a (00:11:27) time and not just like think about, hey, (00:11:30) these are things that I need to address (00:11:31) overall. Of course, um I need to work on (00:11:34) this and this. Um, but being able to (00:11:37) respond to my son out of love, out of (00:11:39) care, patience, like there's elements (00:11:41) maybe that my dad maybe fell short in (00:11:44) that I want to give to him in a way that (00:11:47) >> kind of heals not only him but myself, (00:11:50) you know, and I and I think that it (00:11:52) seeing him and how I've handled (00:11:53) situations sometimes is a healing (00:11:56) journey for me as well. being able to (00:11:58) him him him to have a tantrum or him to (00:12:00) lose his cool and me to respond just out (00:12:02) of love uh or really out of patience. I (00:12:05) I kind of make myself proud in those (00:12:07) elements in those times, you know? (00:12:09) >> I mean, I think you're getting to the (00:12:10) heart of what parenting secretly is all (00:12:14) about, right? I think so many times like (00:12:16) we think having our kids are going to (00:12:19) heal us or our kids will naturally heal (00:12:21) us, but our our kids trigger old stuff (00:12:23) in us. Kind of the opposite. (00:12:25) I guess I didn't resolve that thing. And (00:12:28) >> I think we can either look at that as (00:12:30) something's wrong with me or I'm (00:12:31) destined to repeat the (00:12:34) interaction with my kid, they're kind of (00:12:36) like showing me a mirror or shining (00:12:38) light of something that if I can work (00:12:40) through this, it's going to benefit (00:12:41) them, but it's going to be maybe huge (00:12:44) for me even in my non-parenting areas of (00:12:46) life. And it sounds like that's kind of (00:12:48) the (00:12:48) >> journey. I mean, especially him being so (00:12:50) pure and just a raw emotion of what a (00:12:54) human is, like he's just experiencing (00:12:56) things for the first time. So, being (00:12:58) able to see that in a way that's like, (00:13:01) hey, he doesn't know how he's responding (00:13:04) to me. He doesn't know how he's acting (00:13:06) in some areas. I do. I'm 30. I'm 33. (00:13:10) Like, I understand my responses. And so, (00:13:13) it definitely has more of a (00:13:15) responsibility to say, "How can I (00:13:16) respond better?" He's It's his first (00:13:18) time. It's not my first time. And not (00:13:21) that I have I definitely have grace in (00:13:23) how I respond and how I react, but can I (00:13:26) be better the next time that he responds (00:13:29) this way? And can I respond better to my (00:13:31) partner the next time as well? You know, (00:13:33) >> tell me a little bit about about your (00:13:35) dad. Like you what do you remember (00:13:37) growing up? (00:13:38) >> My dad, he he worked hard. He was a hard (00:13:40) worker. Um, I never I that's one thing I (00:13:43) learned about from my dad that I'm (00:13:45) really proud of is that he he could (00:13:47) provide he could make a way with (00:13:50) whatever whatever he had uh whatever (00:13:52) resources he could make. I think what I (00:13:55) saw and why the community is so (00:13:57) important to me is my dad was really (00:13:59) isolated. I think he didn't have (00:14:01) friendships and honestly I don't think (00:14:03) he had the time to have friends and and (00:14:05) I think that kind of put him in some (00:14:08) isolation moments and I saw that in (00:14:10) patterns maybe that he reacted or maybe (00:14:13) that he expressed himself in different (00:14:14) areas and so I think for me it was just (00:14:17) important to like figure out how do I (00:14:19) get around people (00:14:21) >> take the good parts of my dad take the (00:14:23) good parts of what he's been about and (00:14:25) be able to (00:14:27) >> channel it to something better and you (00:14:30) know and that's what he would want. (00:14:31) That's what our parents have done for (00:14:32) us. You know they for me my dad wanted (00:14:34) me to be in a better school, wanted me (00:14:36) to be in a better life. He was one of (00:14:38) seven. So you know he had a lot going on (00:14:40) and a lot of experiences with his (00:14:42) siblings with his family. So of course (00:14:44) like it was just a different upbringing (00:14:45) in a different time but (00:14:47) >> he worked so hard so that we can do (00:14:49) this. And so I'm grateful for those (00:14:51) moments but I'm also challenged in how I (00:14:53) can operate and how I can be a father. (00:14:55) And what you're naming as something that (00:14:56) I think is the key to showing up in a (00:15:00) way that feels good as a parent is none (00:15:01) of this is about blaming our parents. (00:15:05) We can say my parent was doing the best (00:15:08) they could with the resources they had. (00:15:10) >> Yeah. (00:15:11) >> And there are things I want to do (00:15:13) differently. (00:15:14) >> Yeah. (00:15:14) >> And it doesn't have to be my fault, my (00:15:15) dad's fault. Like I always find fault to (00:15:17) generally be an unhelpful framework. (00:15:19) We're just like pointing fingers at (00:15:20) someone, which generally isn't a way we (00:15:23) learn. (00:15:24) >> Yeah. I and I've had to go through that. (00:15:26) It's a constant mourning sometimes of (00:15:28) maybe what I didn't experience or what I (00:15:30) wish I would have had. Yeah. (00:15:31) >> When I see it in my son or when I can (00:15:33) give it to my son, that's the healing (00:15:35) element for me where I have blamed my (00:15:37) dad or I have blamed my parents and oh, (00:15:39) I didn't get to experience this or even (00:15:41) now like being grandparents and things (00:15:43) like that. Maybe what my son is maybe (00:15:45) missing out on or not experiencing. (00:15:47) There's it it always evolves like how (00:15:50) how I was treated, how I wasn't, how (00:15:52) maybe my son's going to develop and that (00:15:54) always wrestles with me internally, but (00:15:56) I can only control how my wife and I (00:15:59) manage and how we experience and get (00:16:01) create those experiences for our son. I (00:16:03) >> I wonder if you could talk about a (00:16:05) specific moment with your son that makes (00:16:07) you kind of know in that moment like (00:16:10) like I'm giving him something that I I (00:16:12) probably could have used but but didn't (00:16:14) get. Can Can you can you share a (00:16:16) specific moment? (00:16:17) >> Yeah, I think yesterday actually. Um he (00:16:21) was just at a place I I mean I don't (00:16:23) know if it's he's getting teeth, he's (00:16:24) getting his mers. I don't know what it (00:16:26) is. I It could be a you know a plethora (00:16:28) of things that he's dealing with. Um I (00:16:30) think this moment yesterday he was going (00:16:33) back and forth. He just wouldn't go in (00:16:35) his um wouldn't go in his stroller. Just (00:16:37) was like we were trying to go to the (00:16:38) park. I'm like hey I'm making a decision (00:16:40) for you. Like we're going to the park (00:16:41) and we're trying to do something. You're (00:16:43) not happy. I think overall in that (00:16:46) moment I was very frustrated like just (00:16:50) like kind of not my full self. But I (00:16:52) think I was really proud of how my wife (00:16:54) and I handled that where we didn't like (00:16:57) >> we didn't like react. We didn't do like (00:17:00) we didn't take it out of control. We (00:17:01) just really took him to the park and (00:17:04) found a solution rather than just like (00:17:06) hey we need to get out of the house (00:17:07) right now uh because this isn't probably (00:17:09) the best place for you. Let's go (00:17:11) somewhere else. Let's make an active (00:17:12) decision to do something. And I think I (00:17:14) was proud of myself rather than just (00:17:16) being like, "Hey, you know, just stop (00:17:18) crying or hey, uh, you know, let's, you (00:17:20) know, you're okay. You're okay." Like (00:17:22) telling him, you know, being able to (00:17:24) validate his feelings, but also being (00:17:25) able to find a solution for him without (00:17:28) without compromising how he's feeling. (00:17:30) >> Yes. And so what can feel natural in (00:17:33) those moments, let's just act it out is (00:17:35) some version of maybe I'll act one out, (00:17:36) you could act another one out. It's (00:17:37) like, stop crying. You're being (00:17:39) ridiculous. We're just going to the (00:17:40) we're going to the park. It's not such a (00:17:41) big deal. (00:17:42) >> No. Absolutely. (00:17:42) >> Something like that. Or what's another (00:17:44) >> kind of you feel like just easy quick (00:17:47) vomit your own frustration response? (00:17:49) >> Yeah, you're you're good. You're you're (00:17:51) you're okay. You're you're okay. You (00:17:52) don't need you're okay. We're going to (00:17:53) go get this. Like you're you're okay. I (00:17:55) think (00:17:56) >> unvalidating how he's like he doesn't (00:17:58) know that he's upset. Like I think one (00:17:59) of those things like he doesn't know (00:18:00) he's frustrated. He he doesn't he's just (00:18:02) experiencing what he feels in the (00:18:04) moment. Like telling a a one-year-old (00:18:07) they're okay is like never helping the (00:18:09) solution, you know? (00:18:10) >> So that that's an experience for sure. (00:18:12) And so you're saying in that moment (00:18:15) showing up and I think this is a duality (00:18:18) that sometimes we don't even realize (00:18:19) both are possible because I talk to (00:18:21) this, you know, about this with parents (00:18:23) all the time where it's like, okay, so (00:18:24) let's say your kids having trouble (00:18:26) getting in the stroller. You can say (00:18:28) there's something about getting in the (00:18:29) stroller that doesn't feel good right (00:18:31) now or this is a hard moment. Keep it (00:18:33) simple. (00:18:33) >> And then parents will say to me, oh, so (00:18:36) then you're just not taking them to the (00:18:37) park. And I'm like, whoa, I am taking (00:18:40) them to the park. And the idea that you (00:18:43) can validate and see your kid's current (00:18:46) emotions as real and you can still put (00:18:50) them in a stroller when they're crying. (00:18:52) >> Yeah. (00:18:53) >> You can still get out of the house or I (00:18:55) can still say to my kid, "Gh, I know you (00:18:58) don't want to go to bed right now while (00:19:00) carrying them to their bedroom." It's (00:19:03) mindblowing. (00:19:03) >> It's also wild. They're locking their (00:19:05) legs, not going in the stroller. They (00:19:06) kick something over. You're like trying (00:19:08) to get a snack. you're you're trying to (00:19:10) get the bag on. It's like so many other (00:19:12) elements too that happen where you're (00:19:13) like those are the moments that I'm (00:19:15) proud of when there's so many external (00:19:16) my dog the dog is kind of going back and (00:19:18) forth. U maybe somebody rang the (00:19:20) doorbell. We're just like it all (00:19:22) sometimes feels like 15 random things (00:19:25) happening at one time. But being able to (00:19:26) regulate, hey, my goal is to take you to (00:19:29) the park. We're going to be here. It's (00:19:31) going to be okay. You're going to be (00:19:32) you're going to be fine. Not actually, (00:19:33) but just knowing internally like that's (00:19:35) going to we're going to be good. like I (00:19:37) think we're going to be good if we get (00:19:38) here and then it's good and sometimes (00:19:40) it's not. He's still, you know, fussy (00:19:42) when we went back and forth, but at (00:19:43) least we made a decision and didn't just (00:19:46) react out of emotion. (00:19:47) >> And tell me for the dad or the mom (00:19:49) listening, (00:19:50) >> I I think a common thought is, okay, but (00:19:53) so you're just telling your son it's (00:19:55) okay to freak out about getting in the (00:19:57) stroller. Like, he has to know that's (00:20:00) not okay behavior. You don't want to (00:20:02) reinforce that. Like that's I think a (00:20:05) very traditional mindset, right? So does (00:20:08) that thought ever come up for you or (00:20:09) when you hear that from moms or dads (00:20:11) around you? How do you think through (00:20:13) that? (00:20:13) >> I think at first that makes sense (00:20:16) logically when having a toddler, you (00:20:18) understand I'm playing the long game. (00:20:20) Like I'm I'm here to I'm here to not (00:20:23) only just get him to the park, I'm here (00:20:25) for him to feel loved the entire way to (00:20:28) the park. Whether that's whether I had a (00:20:30) long day or whether I didn't, you know. (00:20:32) And not only am I here for him to feel (00:20:34) loved, I want him to see my wife is (00:20:36) loved. Like that my wife that I took (00:20:38) time for her. I grabbed her a water. I (00:20:40) we slowed down and we didn't let (00:20:42) feelings dictate how we were going to (00:20:45) operate in our day. We (00:20:48) acknowledged them, but we were able to (00:20:50) find something, a solution that helped (00:20:53) us all get in a better place. Because if (00:20:56) he's in a bad place, it could all slew (00:20:58) into all of us getting into worse (00:21:00) places. So, we, you know, we're taking (00:21:02) care of him and he's our priority, of (00:21:04) course, but we're also taking care of (00:21:05) ourselves. (00:21:06) >> I I just want to be back something you (00:21:08) said. It's so powerful and your language (00:21:09) is so powerful. Like, I'm playing the (00:21:11) long game, number one, and I think about (00:21:13) that a lot with parenting. Yeah. Like (00:21:15) whether you're kind of playing the right (00:21:17) now, optimizing for ease in this moment (00:21:19) game. (00:21:20) >> Yeah. I could turn on the TV. I could, (00:21:22) you know, I could do whatever. I could (00:21:23) easy. I can Yeah. give them something, (00:21:25) go on my or leave the room. That's easy. (00:21:28) Those are easy. (00:21:28) >> They're easy. Or I guess I could scream (00:21:31) at my kid and he'd become so scared that (00:21:34) he'd get frozen and then I'd pick him up (00:21:36) and put in the stroller, right? But (00:21:38) whether you're optimizing for easy in (00:21:41) the moment or the long game of and what (00:21:44) you just said, it's not just about (00:21:45) getting my kid to the park. I want my (00:21:47) kid to feel loved on the way to the (00:21:49) park. That's really profound. And loved (00:21:52) doesn't mean giving in, right? (00:21:55) >> But loved means I see you. Yeah. (00:21:57) >> And we can stay connected. You still (00:22:00) have a parent and a leader and a coach (00:22:03) in your hard moments. When I think about (00:22:05) their long game and your son is going to (00:22:08) be, you know, I don't know, let's say 16 (00:22:10) and about for, you know, 14 years, (00:22:13) right? There's going to be a lot of (00:22:14) moments when he's away from you and (00:22:16) something really hard is going to happen (00:22:19) >> and his body is either going to remember (00:22:23) like, "This is going to get me in (00:22:24) trouble. this is going to get met with (00:22:26) more fear, more distance, more judgment (00:22:29) from my dad or this is something my dad (00:22:32) is going to be able to be present for. (00:22:34) He's still going to see me as a good kid (00:22:37) even if I have a hard moment and he's (00:22:38) going to help coach me through this. I (00:22:40) mean, that literally makes all the (00:22:42) difference at age 16. (00:22:43) >> A friend of mine, he has a 18-year-old. (00:22:45) He just went to college. I'm just I was (00:22:47) asking him the other day, I'm like, (00:22:48) "What did you like how are you (00:22:50) processing like him making his own (00:22:53) decisions now?" And he said something (00:22:55) that I thought was so profound. He was (00:22:56) said, "We made the things that were (00:22:59) important when the stakes were low. So (00:23:01) when the stakes were high, (00:23:04) they understood that everything (00:23:06) mattered." So for instance, like you (00:23:09) know, dating somebody or the decisions (00:23:11) that he had, those are little bit higher (00:23:14) stakes or you know what school he's (00:23:15) going to go to and those things like (00:23:17) that. But he they made things that were (00:23:20) maybe lower stakes of like disrespecting (00:23:23) talking. They they everything mattered (00:23:25) to them when the stakes were low. So (00:23:26) when they were higher they could (00:23:28) actually, you know, know that they can (00:23:30) trust their parents, that they're (00:23:31) present, that they're going to be there (00:23:32) no matter what, and that everything (00:23:33) mattered to them. And I just thought (00:23:35) that was really (00:23:36) >> I think that's beautiful. And I know you (00:23:37) and I were talking about these toddler (00:23:39) tantrums, right? Which (00:23:40) >> I'm taking the good inside class right (00:23:42) now. I was telling you before we got on, (00:23:44) I'm like 30 minutes in. I'm trying to (00:23:45) work through it, but my wife and I were (00:23:47) like, we have to take these. And I I I (00:23:49) love your process in it and just being (00:23:51) able to validate and see um really (00:23:54) really everything I'm repeating is just (00:23:55) regurgitating what you said on on good (00:23:57) inside on the app. And so I just (00:23:59) appreciate your voice in that cuz it's (00:24:00) really helpful cuz it goes quickly from (00:24:03) being a baby to a toddler. It it was so (00:24:05) interesting. And like I know when you (00:24:07) ask me about what I remember about my (00:24:09) son, it just everything he existed and (00:24:13) now he's a human. And that's what like I (00:24:16) I I remember these beautiful moments of (00:24:17) existing now. I'm like, "Oh, I'm (00:24:19) teaching him now. He's learning things (00:24:21) and he's seeing things and it's just (00:24:23) such a different and and and I want to (00:24:25) let anybody listening or watching know (00:24:27) people are generally surprised that (00:24:29) tantrums start so early. It is usually (00:24:31) before two." Terrible twos, that like (00:24:33) phrase that we all think Honestly, in (00:24:36) the one year, even 11 months, yeah, (00:24:38) that's when toddlers start tantruming. (00:24:40) So, that's totally normal. And it's (00:24:42) powerful to just know all a tantrum (00:24:44) really is is a surge of feelings without (00:24:47) skills to manage feelings. Cuz kids (00:24:49) aren't born with skills to manage (00:24:52) feelings, but they're born with the (00:24:53) feelings. So, that's all a tantrum is. (00:24:56) And and the reason I love this long game (00:24:58) perspective around how we deal with (00:24:59) tantrums is it's true. When our kid is (00:25:02) 16 or 26, I don't think telling them (00:25:05) they can't have ice cream for breakfast (00:25:07) is going to lead to a tantrum. Like, I (00:25:08) hope not. (00:25:10) >> But your kid is going to want something (00:25:12) and not be able to have it. (00:25:13) >> They're going to get fired from a job. (00:25:16) They're going to be jealous of a friend. (00:25:18) >> They're going to be mad at someone they (00:25:20) love. And being able to learn when (00:25:23) you're one, two, and three, I'm allowed (00:25:25) to have feelings. By the way, my parent (00:25:27) will stop me from hitting. All behavior (00:25:30) isn't okay, but all feelings are. I (00:25:34) always think it's just like the ultimate (00:25:35) power move and emotional privilege. (00:25:37) Yeah. Growing up, and that's what you're (00:25:39) teaching during a tantrum. (00:25:40) >> Yeah. I was say I was saying the other (00:25:41) day I I was talking to the dads uh and (00:25:45) our my son bit someone and I was (00:25:47) >> I was embarrassed like for myself and I (00:25:49) know that's maybe weird to say but I I (00:25:52) felt and it was interesting cuz all of (00:25:54) what happened was with him and dealing (00:25:56) with how he was feeling and and it you (00:25:58) know that happens emotions happen but I (00:26:00) was like why am I feeling this way? It (00:26:02) it was such an internal perspective. Not (00:26:03) only was his tantrum what happened with (00:26:06) him but it also happened inside of me (00:26:08) too. And I'm like, why am I feeling (00:26:11) maybe embarrassed or or f or sad, you (00:26:14) know, that this happened as a parent? (00:26:17) And I thought that was interesting to (00:26:19) feel cuz not only is he feeling (00:26:20) something, I'm feeling something too. (00:26:22) How he operates in the world. (00:26:24) >> I feel it too, you know, and it and it (00:26:26) matters to me as well. And so I'm like, (00:26:28) is this a reflection? Is he going to be (00:26:30) like this forever? Is he going to do (00:26:31) this? Is this going to happen? And you (00:26:33) know, I think all those things go (00:26:34) through your mind. So being able to like (00:26:36) calm myself as well during that moment (00:26:38) is is important as well. Seriously, I I (00:26:40) remember talking to it was a dad who was (00:26:43) seeing me in my private practice years (00:26:44) ago and he'd always come in talking. He (00:26:46) was on this big journey of being like a (00:26:47) different kind of father and he felt (00:26:48) like that was the most important kind of (00:26:50) journey of his lifetime. And (00:26:52) >> and he'd always come in talking my kid (00:26:53) had this tantrum was biting with this. (00:26:55) There's always stuff to talk about, (00:26:56) right? And we'd always kind of pause and (00:26:58) try to think about, well, what's the (00:27:00) story you're telling yourself first of (00:27:01) all about your kid's behavior? Because (00:27:03) we don't respond to our kids' behavior. (00:27:05) we respond to the story we tell (00:27:06) ourselves and the feelings that come up (00:27:08) in us and all this thing. And I just (00:27:10) remember him looking at me and saying, (00:27:11) >> "Becky, one time, can you just tell me (00:27:14) this has nothing to do with you? This is (00:27:15) all your kid's fault, you know, like and (00:27:18) we kind of like laughed about it because (00:27:19) it is funny when you really pause and (00:27:22) you watch your kid their behavior can be (00:27:24) so difficult and in inconvenient. I (00:27:26) always feel like that's just it's (00:27:28) inconvenient when your kid's biting (00:27:29) another kid. You're like, "Oh man, got (00:27:30) to really figure this out." But really (00:27:33) what goes on for us is we have something (00:27:35) happening inside of us. And so much of (00:27:37) the reason we want to stop the tantrum, (00:27:40) stop doing that. Is we just want to stop (00:27:42) the feeling happening inside of us, it's (00:27:45) not even have to do with our kid. (00:27:46) >> Yeah. (00:27:47) >> So the fact that you're so open when you (00:27:49) said, "Is that weird? It's (00:27:50) embarrassing." Or it brought up so much (00:27:52) for me. Yes. When our kid bites or hits (00:27:54) or says to us, I doubt this has happened (00:27:57) yet. I hate you. (00:27:59) >> Oh my gosh. (00:28:00) >> It will happen. And I'm giving you some (00:28:01) emotional vaccination. Get ready. All (00:28:04) good kids say those things. They do. (00:28:07) >> If we're aware, (00:28:09) let me first check in and just notice (00:28:11) what's happening for me. (00:28:13) >> We can really slow down the process. And (00:28:16) that's that's actually such a power (00:28:19) move, I find. (00:28:20) >> Yeah. No, absolutely. I think there's (00:28:22) just so much internal (00:28:25) introspective thought process in how (00:28:28) it's processing and how he's going (00:28:30) through it. But it it I I think about (00:28:32) myself, too. I'm like, I'm 33 years old. (00:28:33) And then there's times where I'm like, (00:28:35) yo, why am I acting like this? Why am I (00:28:37) I'm embarrassed by myself, too. I'm (00:28:38) like, yo, I need to react better. He (00:28:41) doesn't have those skills to regulate. I (00:28:43) do. So, it's like, (00:28:44) >> you know, and when it comes to biting, I (00:28:46) just actually had this new thought. So (00:28:47) many times as adults, you know, we have (00:28:49) biting comments. Yeah, (00:28:51) >> right. It actually is interesting to (00:28:52) think, okay, maybe I don't literally (00:28:55) bite another human. I'm just going to (00:28:56) put this out there. I'm hoping that's (00:28:57) not (00:29:01) >> biting moments, which is kind of helpful (00:29:04) when you realize what might be happening (00:29:05) for your kid. Why would I in a situation (00:29:09) >> have some comment come out of my body (00:29:11) that's so cruel and so biting? Oh, I was (00:29:15) probably even in that moment overwhelmed (00:29:17) with a feeling and I didn't have a skill (00:29:19) in the moment to manage it. So it kind (00:29:20) of viciously came out of me. (00:29:22) >> Yeah. And it I notice those way more (00:29:24) having a child. It's just like a mirror. (00:29:27) You know, I'm my wife will, you know, if (00:29:29) we have a little back and forth and I'm (00:29:31) like, "Oh, he's right there watching (00:29:33) this." I'm like, "This is not something (00:29:35) not only like of course I know I need to (00:29:37) respond better, but I want him to (00:29:39) understand how he's loved and cared for (00:29:41) and that we also are trying to figure (00:29:43) out our own things internally myself." (00:29:46) you know, I think that's important to (00:29:48) see, (00:29:49) >> but I'm not, you know, above him by, you (00:29:52) know, I also have my own things that go (00:29:53) back and forth. (00:29:55) >> Do you feel like talking so openly, (00:29:58) right, and being I find you remarkably (00:30:01) emotionally available? That's what I (00:30:03) would say. Do you notice that having a (00:30:05) ripple effect on other fathers? Yeah, I (00:30:08) think sometimes I share too much, but I (00:30:10) think I think that's like my my (00:30:12) characteristic, but I think fathers are (00:30:15) really like we have a chat like outside (00:30:17) of the discord that where our community (00:30:19) lives and like yesterday I'm I'm hitting (00:30:21) them like, hey, I'm wrestling with my (00:30:24) son being upset today. Um, what do you (00:30:26) guys think? And it's like six, seven (00:30:28) dads saying, "Hey, this is what happens. (00:30:30) It's okay. Here here's some things you (00:30:33) can do. Get him out." literally what I (00:30:34) was doing, which was really helpful and (00:30:36) it affirmed me like, "Hey, just get him (00:30:37) outside, try to do something. Hey, maybe (00:30:39) if you take him out of that environment, (00:30:41) like all the things that I was doing (00:30:42) made me feel seen and uh encouraged in (00:30:46) what I was doing, not that I was just (00:30:47) alone." Of course, my wife and I were, (00:30:49) yo, this is the best decision, but (00:30:51) having an outside community speaking (00:30:52) into that is really helpful because you (00:30:55) could feel like, "Am I the only one (00:30:57) doing this? I don't know if this is (00:30:58) normal. I don't know if this is (00:31:00) happening." So having other dads and (00:31:02) people being able to go through that as (00:31:04) well and they're going through the same (00:31:05) things like they're like [clears throat] (00:31:06) hey my son's doing this my my daughter's (00:31:09) sick or you know this is happening and (00:31:10) this is happening. Being able to (00:31:12) normalize that (00:31:14) >> is just such a different you know (00:31:17) ideology of parenting. I feel like being (00:31:19) a then being able to just be in your you (00:31:22) know your house your your own you know (00:31:25) your own room being able to take it (00:31:26) outside of that with community I think (00:31:27) is helpful. I think the fear that we're (00:31:29) the only one is present in every (00:31:32) parent's brain. And it happens. You see (00:31:34) your kid, you're like, "Does any other (00:31:35) kid actually tantrum like this?" Like, (00:31:37) everyone says, "Oh, kids do this." But (00:31:39) do I actually have the kid who's the (00:31:42) sociopath? Like people worry about that (00:31:43) all the time. The reason it's so (00:31:45) important to have a community to talk (00:31:46) about that with is that fear. I'm the (00:31:49) only one. My kid's the only one. (00:31:52) >> It leads to us getting so activated with (00:31:55) our nervous system. we really go into (00:31:56) fight or flight mode. So then you (00:31:58) respond to your kid from fight orflight (00:32:00) mode (00:32:01) >> and that (00:32:02) >> simple outlet which isn't simple but (00:32:04) it's you know straightforward. (00:32:06) >> Hey anyone else going through this? Hey (00:32:08) any ideas? (00:32:10) >> It's really not a nice to have like it's (00:32:12) a critical part of the parenting (00:32:15) journey. (00:32:15) >> Absolutely. I was looking at uh just a (00:32:17) phrase it takes a village. I was like (00:32:18) where does it come from? It's an actual (00:32:20) African proverb. It's like centuries of (00:32:22) like what what parents have have (00:32:25) understood that it takes more than just (00:32:27) you and your partner. It takes (00:32:29) grandparents. If you don't have (00:32:31) grandparents like us here, it takes (00:32:33) community, teachers. There's people that (00:32:35) my son will see that validate him, that (00:32:38) see him, not only him, but also me in (00:32:41) those elements. And I think that's the (00:32:42) healing journey. He'll he he'll never (00:32:44) have to see himself as isolated. He'll (00:32:46) see my dad interacted with other men, (00:32:49) other people, uh was proud of his (00:32:51) friendships, was really open, and not (00:32:53) only that, but he had those friendships (00:32:55) as well. (00:32:56) >> All right, I want to end with five rapid (00:32:58) fire questions. (00:32:59) >> Awesome. (00:33:00) >> You ready? Need to shake it out. (00:33:01) Stretch. Okay, you're [laughter] good. (00:33:02) Okay. What's one stereotype about dads (00:33:05) that you want to retire so we can build (00:33:08) stronger communities for them? (00:33:09) >> Uh that dads are stupid. I would say (00:33:13) dads don't know anything. (00:33:15) Let's retire that. (00:33:16) >> Let's retire that that we're we're we (00:33:18) know we we want to learn. I would say (00:33:20) >> finish the sentence. A moment in the (00:33:23) last month I was really proud of as a (00:33:25) dad or as a husband was (00:33:27) >> it was our 7-year anniversary. Uh we had (00:33:30) a babysitter. Um we spent time together, (00:33:34) my wife and I. And I think that was just (00:33:36) a really proud moment to be able to feel (00:33:40) that our son was safe at home, to be (00:33:42) able to talk about where we've come (00:33:44) from, where we're going as a family. I (00:33:46) think that was really good. (00:33:47) >> I think I commented on your story that (00:33:49) day. (00:33:49) >> Yeah. Yeah. We of course we did a (00:33:51) TikTok, you know. Of course. (00:33:53) >> Okay. What feels harder or more (00:33:56) vulnerable? Saying to your kid, "I love (00:33:58) you," or saying to your kid, "I'm (00:34:00) sorry." (00:34:00) >> I would say, "I'm sorry." is is more (00:34:02) vulnerable. I think I know this isn't a (00:34:05) rapid answer, but one thing my dad used (00:34:07) to say that I'm trying to unlearn a (00:34:09) little bit is I don't want to be right, (00:34:11) I just don't want to be wrong. Uh, and (00:34:13) it really I had to unlearn a little bit (00:34:14) of that. Like you can be wrong and be (00:34:17) sorry and be open about those things. (00:34:20) And so I think I'm sorry is really (00:34:22) important to me. (00:34:23) >> And I just want to name, you know, to me (00:34:25) the most powerful relationship strategy (00:34:27) in the world is repair. (00:34:28) >> Yeah. (00:34:29) >> And you can only repair if you made a (00:34:30) mistake, which also is just a sign (00:34:32) you're human. Yeah. (00:34:33) >> But it is so hard because I don't think (00:34:35) many of us had parents who really gave (00:34:37) us a good sorry. Not like I'm sorry you (00:34:40) feel that way. No, like I'm sorry, (00:34:42) right? And so I think I think I'm sorry (00:34:44) is harder for a lot of people and I love (00:34:46) you. (00:34:46) >> Yeah. Cuz it puts you on the same field (00:34:48) of like, hey, I actually I need you to (00:34:50) like (00:34:52) >> I need I need you to like acknowledge (00:34:54) I'm I'm I'm actually kind of putting (00:34:55) myself a little, you know, lesser than (00:34:57) you. Like that's what I feel like (00:35:00) they're like, "Oh man, like I can't be (00:35:02) sorry to like he's a kid, you know, or (00:35:06) they're a kid." And I think being able (00:35:07) to be like, "No, if I react poorly, (00:35:11) >> I'm sorry, period." Regardless of who (00:35:13) age, whatever, you know, (00:35:15) >> it is such a kind of new cycle breaking (00:35:17) thought. And I know now I'm undoing my (00:35:18) rapid fire questions, but no, it's it's (00:35:20) it's a really good point. And just to (00:35:22) give anyone listening a different model, (00:35:24) if you think about the best CEO in the (00:35:25) world who snaps at someone during a (00:35:27) meeting or the best NBA coach who is (00:35:30) overly harsh on someone in a game, (00:35:33) >> those leaders say sorry if they're (00:35:34) effective. And I don't think anyone (00:35:36) would see that coach go up to a player (00:35:38) and say, "Hey, I was like having a (00:35:40) moment. I was frustrated with how our (00:35:41) team is playing. I totally took it out (00:35:42) on you. I'm sorry." I just don't know if (00:35:44) someone say that coach totally lost (00:35:46) their ability to have power. No, you'd (00:35:48) be like, "Well, good thing if if not (00:35:50) that player probably would have acted (00:35:52) out for the rest of the week." (00:35:54) >> Yeah. I think [clears throat] I think we (00:35:55) could change a lot in the world and in (00:35:57) government in general if men just said (00:35:58) they're sorry a lot more. So, I think (00:36:00) that's what I'm trying to realize (00:36:01) myself. (00:36:02) >> Cheers to that. (00:36:04) >> Okay. If you could give a brand new dad (00:36:07) only one piece of advice, what would it (00:36:09) be? (00:36:09) >> I would say be patient with yourself. (00:36:12) Um, you're it's your first time and (00:36:15) their first time as well. Um, yeah. Just (00:36:17) be patient. You're you you have (00:36:19) everything. You're you're meant to be (00:36:20) here. (00:36:21) >> Oh, love that. I think sometimes parents (00:36:23) need to hear you're the right parent for (00:36:26) your kid. (00:36:26) >> Yeah. (00:36:27) >> You're you're you're the only one that (00:36:30) they're you're the best version of (00:36:32) yourself today and you're going to be (00:36:33) better tomorrow. And and no matter what (00:36:36) you have said or what how how that's (00:36:39) playing out in your parenthood or in in (00:36:42) your marriage or whatever, um yeah, (00:36:44) patience. you you you'll figure it out. (00:36:46) >> I love that. All right, last one. I (00:36:48) wanted you to picture your son 20 25 (00:36:50) years from now. (00:36:51) >> Oh, man. (00:36:52) >> Okay. And someone just says to him, "Oh, (00:36:55) like what was your dad like growing up?" (00:36:57) >> And he says, "Oh, my dad." And then what (00:36:59) do you hope he says? (00:37:01) >> My dad had so many friends that loved (00:37:04) him and cared for him. And I did, too. (00:37:07) And I think he had so many people, not (00:37:09) only friends, I say my dad had so many (00:37:11) people around him that loved him and (00:37:13) supported him and that he loved and (00:37:15) served and supported too. Um, and I want (00:37:18) the same. (00:37:19) >> He really visualizes this community, (00:37:22) this belonging. (00:37:23) >> Yeah. I would hope that he sees this not (00:37:24) only, you know, today or in a photo or (00:37:27) whatever that he sees it active in my (00:37:29) life and in our marriage and our, you (00:37:31) know, and and and that he wants the same (00:37:33) thing for his, you know, family. (00:37:35) >> Incredible. Thank you. This is such a (00:37:37) powerful conversation. I feel like I (00:37:39) could talk to you forever. So, it just (00:37:40) means I'll have to have you back. So, (00:37:41) thank you. (00:37:42) >> Thank you so much. (00:37:43) >> I have so many takeaways from this (00:37:44) episode. I'm guessing you do, too. But (00:37:47) there's something Joe said that is (00:37:49) cycling in my brain over and over. Even (00:37:52) now, when he talked about how he was (00:37:56) intervening when his kid was having a (00:37:58) tantrum about getting in the stroller (00:38:00) and they were just trying to get to the (00:38:01) park and he talked about playing the (00:38:03) long game, he said this thing. He said, (00:38:06) "I don't just want to get my kid to the (00:38:08) park. I want my kid to feel loved the (00:38:11) whole way to the park." (00:38:15) There's something about that language (00:38:17) that feels so important to me and puts (00:38:20) words to, I think, what so many of us (00:38:22) are trying to do with our kid. And so, I (00:38:25) know for me, when I inevitably have a (00:38:27) frustrating moment later today with my (00:38:29) own kid and I'm just thinking, I need to (00:38:31) shut this down right now. I have a goal (00:38:33) of getting to bed, of turning off the (00:38:36) TV. I can set certain boundaries, but my (00:38:38) goal is for my kid to feel loved the (00:38:41) whole time. I'm so thankful to Joe for (00:38:44) putting that idea in my head. All right, (00:38:47) let's end the way we always do. Place (00:38:49) your feet on the ground and a hand on (00:38:51) your heart. And let's remind ourselves (00:38:55) even as we struggle on the outside, (00:38:58) we remain good inside. (00:39:03) I'll see you soon.